FIRST…..a programming note. Following this Power Rankings, all future Power Rankings shall be posted only at the beginning of each month, sort of a post-“insert previous month” Power Rankings format from now until the heat death of the universe. So your next rankings will be August 1st-ish, your final rankings September 1st-ish. This is partly (mostly) out of laziness BUT ALSO partly because I think adjusting the Power Rankings after every week is sort of silly. And the last thing this “blog” needs is silliness…I mean you could argue power rankings in general are sort of silly but STILL. We strive for professionalism and truth.
Without further ado, your All Star Power Rankings. Each team’s All Stars listed after their stupid team names and stupid records.
1- Rojo’s Resurgence (9-5)
ALL STARS (5): Paul Goldschmidt, Johnny Cueto, Corey Kluber, Eric Hosmer, Steven Wright.
2- Barnegat Banana Slugs (9-5)
ALL STARS (8): Max Scherzer, Starling Marte, Adam Duvall, Jake Arrieta, Josh Donaldson, David Ortiz, Brad Brach, Zach Britton.
3- Main Street MooniniteZ (8-5-1)
ALL STARS (12): Matt Carpenter, Nolan Arenado, Aledmys Diaz, Kenley Jansen, Ben Zobrist, Dexter Fowler, Edwin Encarnacion, Eduardo Nunez, Michael Saunders, Andrew Miller, Alex Colome, Kelvin Herrera (Addison Russell and AJ Ramos in spirit).
4- Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (7-5-2)
ALL STARS (12): Buster Posey, Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, Corey Seager, Jose Fernandez, Julio Teheran, Fernando Rodney, Ian Desmond, Mookie Betts, Aaron Sanchez, Marco Estrada, Mike Trout.
5- Point Loma X-Rayz (7-5-2)
ALL STARS (3): Wade Davis, Dellin Betances, Craig Kimbrel (Wil Myers in spirit).
6- River City Cuban Missiles (6-5-3)
ALL STARS (3): Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, Xander Bogaerts (Aaron Sanchez in spirit).
7- Bad Drake Puns (6-7-1)
ALL STARS (7): Wil Myers, Drew Pomeranz, Jonathan Lucroy, Mark Melancon, Jose Quintana, Jose Altuve, Mark Trumbo.
8- Springfield Isotopes (4-7-3)
ALL STARS (5): Wilson Ramos, Jon Lester, Miguel Cabrera, Robinson Cano, Cole Hamels.
9- Pine Lake Punchouts (5-9)
ALL STARS (7): Clayton Kershaw, Marcel Ozuna, Carlos Gonzalez, Brandon Belt, Chris Sale, Will Harris, Matt Wieters……who hasn’t had a turn with Matt Wieters though…..that little slut.
10- Whitestone Bulldogs (3-11)
ALL STARS (11): Daniel Murphy, Yoenis Cespedes, Noah Syndergaard, Jeurys Familia, Bartolo Colon as a joke, Addison Russell (THIEF), Madison Bumgarner, Jay Bruce, Salvador Perez, Danny Salazar, Francisco Lindor.