The History of the League – 2011-2013 SPECIAL DYNASTY EDITION

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Poor Lou Marson was unfairly portrayed during year 3 of our reign so at least now I will show that he actually held onto the ball during this collision. GOOD ON HIM.

Playoff time is a special time in the Backyard League, and surely nobody can look at the two teams currently relaxing on first round byes without feeling a SLIGHT hint of nostalgia for dynasties of yesteryear.  YEA, IT FUCKING HAPPENED YOU FUCKING LOSERS.  Ahem….prior to the 2011 season, Mike Odom and Sean McLaughlin joined forces with an original Backyard League owner (and unfortunately loosely shared a living space) and helped re-tool his roster because he was a tool.  That tool’s fall from grace perfectly coincided with Odom/McLaughlin’s rise to power, and for three straight years the league could only look on in exasperation as the little ESPN trophy icon thingie kept ending up in Odom/Sean’s fantasy quiver (yea we never got the league to adopt a real trophy until after we were split up not bitter or anything).  No team had ever won back to back championships in the Backyard League in the years prior ( or since, best of luck to the River City Cuban Missiles as they attempt that feat this year  🙂 ) and yet the Sean/Odom dynasty won THREE YEARS IN A MOTHERFUCKING ROW.  Given current league standings and given my boredom while on my well-earned bye, I felt this 3 year run deserved a fond look back and I have rebooted Lobman’s now defunct “The History of the League” TO DO JUST THAT.  Let’s take a trip down memory lane shall we?

Year 1  —  Rise of Jimbo’s Vulcan Death Grip

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Dramatic Re-enactment.

Year 1 of the Odom/Sean/Other Guy partnership was not without it’s growing pains, as Odom and Sean attempted to navigate the inherent challenges with reshaping a roster formed by an idiot.  It became very apparent very quickly that the roster management decisions would now be shared solely between new ownership, with the third owner instead focusing his time on petty theft and pettier “borrowing” and thinking of ways to justify his erectile dysfunction in casual conversations.  The Sean/Odom partnership slowly found its footing and learned there was value in making as many moves as required/possible, in a league where other owners often times chose to stand pat.

FAST FORWARD to the end of the season:  The team name has changed from “Team Dy Young” and whatever the fuck else it became at various times to “Jimbo’s Vulcan Death Grip,” an homage to our brave hero Jimbo choking out our impotent former third owner at a Netzer pool party of sorts (I could write a whole entire article about how funny it was watching said third owner slowly walk around alternately looking for his keys and apologizing to a not-having-it Jimbo but I think its best we put the references to earlier ownership to bed at this point).  The Odom/Sean Ownership Partnership has dragged its way into the playoffs as the #5 seed, with a much-derided 9-11 record that no doubt annoyed the PURISTS who prefer all of their playoff teams to be over .500 (which is kinda understandable).  Sean/Odom made 326 moves this season, 57 moves more than the previous league record set by Lobman in its inaugural season and 153 moves more than the next highest owner in 2011.  And some of those moves paid immediate dividends in the playoffs, such as a trade with the WVU Bombers that brought Joe Mauer and Hanley Ramirez to the JDVG; in Round 1, the #4 seed WVU Bombers were handily defeated by JDVG with a RARE Joe Mauer HR (these were exceedingly rare in 2011) adding insult to injury in the matchup.  Round 2 saw Sean/Odom match up with what would become a familiar playoff foe in the years to come, and thus the start of a familiar trend of playoff victories over Lobman was born.  To be honest I don’t remember much about this matchup but to be honest I don’t remember much of anything these days (SAY NO TO DRUGS).  With Lobman dispatched, all that stood in the way of a dynasty’s humble beginnings was MY VERY OWN BROTHER.  My very own brother lost to us and lost handily, and JDVG secured a rather unexpected championship in its first year in the league.  Mikey T’s postseason recap post didn’t know what the fuck to do with itself, and it would increasingly give up hope in the years to come.  To make matters worse (for everyone else), Sean/Odom did it all as one of the lowest seeds to ever do so (probably) and also did it all as the only Backyard team to ever win a championship with a sub .500 regular season record (maybe).

Year 2  —  “World F’in Champions” to Back to Back Backyard Champs

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We were inspired by Chase Utley’s declaration and in subsequent years I have been inspired by his hat

Year 2 of the Odom/McLaughlin reign started with YET ANOTHER name change, this time in tribute to that time Chase Utley used a swear word during the Phillies World Series celebration (apologies to the Rays).  I also recall a brief period where we changed our name to the FaceEaters to honor that zombie guy in Miami, but the picture Odom attached upset me and discouraged roster moves because I didn’t want to look at it anymore.  So that had to go.  ANYWHOM with the entire league mostly viewing title #1 as a fluke, the “World F’in Champions” didn’t do much to dispel that rumor by battling their way through an up and down season.  FANTASY IS A CRUEL MISTRESS.  In the end, your fearless defending champions were able to improve their playoff seeding by one (#5 seed in 2011, #4 seed in 2012) and flip-flop their record from the year previous (9-11 in 2011, 11-9 in 2012) as they made their way to the postseason once again.  Once again,  Odom/Sean relied on outpacing the rest of the league in moves (346, next highest was Lobman at 221) to scrap their way to as many wins as possible.  Well like, 11 regular season wins.

FAST FORWARD to the aforementioned playoffs:  Once there, they quickly dispatched of Greg Heroy’s Youth Movement (remember that name) in Round 1 before once again running into the #1 seed River City Mashers.  In perhaps a SIGNATURE win for this franchise, the importance of teamwork was on full display as Odom and Sean worked together to eke out a tight victory over the Mashers.  The defining moment of this battle would be a decision to sit key personnel during the Sunday night game (DANNY ESPINOSA) to preserve an OBP advantage, a decision that was deliberated between the two owners via cell phone while Sean was in a Folly Beach tequila bar hitting on a pink-haired waitress (sadly this is a bit of a recurring theme).  Ultimate Espinosa sat (“bush league” was the term Lobman used to describe the brilliant strategy) and JUST LIKE THAT the top-seeded Mashers once again were sent home at the hands of Sean and Odom, and just like that Odom and Sean were once again on their way to the Championship Round.  This time, it was the shocking #6 seed Somerville Sluggers that opposed them.  As I recall the commissioner was making a lot of ballyhoo about how the Somerville Sluggers would be the first team to win the championship with a sub .500 record even though we had just done that very thing THE PREVIOUS FUCKING YEAR.  DISRESPECTFUL!  Long story short SeanOdom beat Pete Mitchell’s ass, and while I can’t recall the specifics and can’t look back on the league history from that year I am fairly certain it was a comfortable victory.  I don’t recall being stressed.

AND JUST LIKE THAT, Odom/Sean became the first team to win back-to-back championships in the Backyard’s pathetic history and the Tampa Bay TwoTimeTwoTime!  were (briefly) born.

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TWO TIME TWO TIME

Year 3 — Back to Back to BACK?!?!?!  3PO Rises

Year 3 of the McLaughlin/Odom reign of terror began much as year 2 did, with other league members pointing to mediocre regular season records and clinging YES CLINGING to the belief that somehow this team had just gotten lucky for two consecutive postseasons in a row.  OH how that would change in year 3, when the dynasty took its final form.  The TwoTime TwoTime opened up the 2013 season by going 0-2 (losing to Ryan and Rojo), surely to the delight of the other league owners that had grown accustomed to relatively quiet regular seasons from the back-to-back champeens and hoped that this time perhaps they would sit out the postseason.  They quickly rebounded by evening up their record at 2-2 before dropping another game (to a one Brian Smith) and ending up at 2-3.  AND THEN…..and then they didn’t lose another motherfucking game all motherfucking season ladies (and mothers).  The juggernaut that was the 2013 Sean and Odom Connection won 14 straight games from May 6th to August 18th, in the process renaming themselves as the F’in Freight Trains and immortalizing Lou Marson forever.  Only a Week 20 matchup with their old foe the River City Mashers even so much as attempted to slow them down, as they battled Lobman and his gang of baseball men to a 6-6-2 tie.  It was the equivalent of putting a (green)penny on the train tracks and expecting it to derail an entire freight train.  The Freight Trains as they were known showed a bit of restraint in the moves department in 2013, failing to amass 300 moves for the only time in their history (295 moves, Lobman lead the league with 344).  In the end they ended up as the #1 seed with a 16-3-1 record, narrowly edginge out the Angels in the TROUTfield (eye roll emoji) for the top seed in the playoffs WHICH WOULD PROVE RATHER IMPORTANT (The AitT went 16-4 in 2013, 0-2 against SeanOdom).

CUE THE PLAYOFFS ONCE AGAIN:  For the first time in their history, Odom and Sean got to sit back and relax during Round 1 (kinda like this year) and awaited their Round 2 opponent as the number 1 seed.  Naturally Round 2 brought the River City Mashers as usual, and THIS ONE practically deserves its own article folks but I wouldn’t want to take away from the greater narrative….. 13-0-1.  The only reason the F’in Freight Trains didn’t record a CLEAN SWEEP of the categories against those sorry Mashers of River City is because they failed to record a complete game, which probably haunts me in some small way (many things do).  But AT LEAST, in their third playoff tango, Sean/Odom were able to hand Lobman the worst playoff loss this league has ever seen or will ever see (probably).  The F’in Freight Trains found themselves in the championship game for the third straight season, this time against their most dominant opponent yet in the Angels in the TROUTfield.

As mentioned, the AitT went 16-4 in 2013 and they have for years boasted one of the more impressive on paper rosters in all of the Backyard League.  This was the year they put all of that on paper talent together, and if not for their second loss to the Freight Trains in the regular season they may have entered this championship matchup in position of the higher seed and thus the tiebreaker.  BUT THAT 2ND LOSS HAPPENED.  And it would end up costing the AitT dearly.  Heroy’s squad was relentless early and dominated the HRs, RBIs, and OBP categories.  However the Freight Trains were able to keep pace by staying out in front in ERA, strikeouts, and wins.  Employing Mets closer Latroy Hawkins in a weekend with a Saturday Mets doubleheader helped the Freight Trains snag a lead in saves that they would not relinquish, and this matchup ultimately ended up tied heading into a Red Sox v. Yankees Sunday night matchup.  Willing to betray all of his loyalties for just one sweet sweet matchup, Heroy employed rando Red Sawks relievers like Craig Breslow in hopes of grabbing a hold that would tie the holds category and give Heroy the gold.  This did not happen, and once Ichiro Suzuki’s FINAL INNING (I think) steal was ruled fielder’s indifference (Heroy had Ichiro, steals were tied 7-7) it became clear that there would not be a new champion this year.  Odom/Sean and their Freight Trainers had gone BACK TO BACK TO FUCKING BACK, something they to this day feel confident will never be repeated in such a cutthroat league environment (just ask us about it!).  The 3peat OffendaZ were born.

Year 4 — “All That Shimmers In This World Is Sure To Fade Away Again”

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the only reason I am even COVERING year 4 is so that I could look for the most emo written out “Shimmer” lyrics (from super-band Fuel)

Super-band Fuel once said that all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again.  Which you should know since I just quoted it above.  And they…. were right.  Riding the high of their 3peat, the 3PO casually rolled their way to another #1 seed and first round bye in 2014.  I say “casually” and I mean it, as they ended up with a MERE 244 moves in 2014 (Lobman once again leads the league with 344 that year).  After their Round 1 bye the 3PO met the newly-formed Whitesville McGibblets, who were only in the league because the Somerville Sluggers never recovered from their crushing championship loss to Sean/Odom and abruptly retired shortly thereafter.  OH SWEET IRONY.  The McGibblets shocked the world by defeating the 3PO 8-5-1 in Round 2, in a matchup where the 3PO’s performance was so incredibly bland that I can’t even think of an excuse to blame as to why it happened.  The 3PO probably should have stolen more bases or something.  ANYWAYS, at least the McGibblets lost in the championship to Ryan McLaughlin’s “Swingmen” but that is not what you are here to read about.  Nobody watches the Nirvana “Behind The Music” to hear about how Pearl Jam was doing at that time.

In the end, the league seized upon the 3PO’s shocking Round 2 loss and a need for another owner to break apart the dynastic partnership mere months after they suffered their only playoff loss in 4 seasons.  Today Odom and Sean act as friendly opponents, rooting from afar for the success of their other former co-owner but also focused on their individual teams.  With this year’s byes ending up in their familiar hands, one can only think back on A THREE YEAR NIGHTMARE FOR EVERY OTHER LEAGUE OWNER and wonder if Odom and Sean might find themselves in the championship game again this year…..this time………………………………………………….as opponents……………………………………….

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The History of the League – 2011-2013 SPECIAL DYNASTY EDITION

2016 Backyard All-Pro Team

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If you squint that football could ALMOST resemble a baseball…. al….most

With the regular season concluded and only one light Monday of playoff action to skew stats, now seems like a lovely time to debut a little wrinkle I am stealing from the National Football League  #ComeAtMeGoodell  #IAmStuckInHashtagModeButShallStopNow.  To adjust for yanno SPORT differences and the fact that this is fantasy baseball and the fact that nobody pays attention to this blog anyways, I am going to unify the format into just basic positions (plus a Utility spot just to shamelessly shoehorn in a few more first basemen and stupid David Ortiz) with two selections for the “First Team” and one selection for the “Second Team”.  I assure you that will make sense once you look at it.  As usual all opinions are entirely mine and are entirely correct.  Also please note that we all know that the most important stats are what these fantasy men put up in the fantasy playoffs, but the same goes for the football men in the football playoffs and they still get away with handing out this shit early.  So let’s hand out this shit……

2016 Backyard All Pro Team  — First Team

Catcher:    Buster Posey (OGTFC), Wilson Ramos (‘Topes)

First Base:    Paul Goldschmidt (RR), Edwin Encarnacion (MM)  

Second Base:    Jose Altuve (BDP), Daniel Murphy (WBS)

Third Base:    Josh Donaldson (BBS), Nolan Arenado (MM)

Shortstop:    Corey Seager (OGTFC), Jonathan Villar (BDP)

Left Field:    Kris Bryant (OGTFC)Ian Desmond (OGTFC)

Center Field:     Mookie Betts (OGTFC), Mike Trout (OGTFC)

Right Field:    Mark Trumbo (BDP), Carlos Gonzalez (PP)

Utility:    David Ortiz (BBS), Freddie Freeman (‘Topes) 

 

Starting Pitcher:    Madison Bumgarner (WBS), Max Scherzer (BBS)

Starting Pitcher:    Chris Sale (PP), Justin Verlander (MM)

Starting Pitcher:    Corey Kluber (RR), Johnny Cueto (RR)

Starting Pitcher:    Jose Fernandez (OGTFC), Cole Hamels (‘Topes)

Starting Pitcher:    Rick Porcello (BBS), Jake Arrieta (BBS)

Relief Pitcher (Saves):    Kenley Jansen (MM), Zach Britton (BBS)    

Relief Pitcher (Holds):    Dellin Betances (PLX), David Phelps (MM)

2016 Backyard All Pro Team  — Second Team

Catcher:    Jonathan Lucroy (BDP)

First Base:    Anthony Rizzo (OGTFC)    

Second Base:    Brian Dozier (WBS)

Third Base:    Manny Machado (RCCM)

Shortstop:   Carlos Correa (PP)

Left Field:    Starling Marte (BBS)

Center Field:    Charlie Blackmon (‘Topes)

Right Field:    George Springer (PP)

Utility:    Joey Votto (MM) 

Starting Pitcher:   Noah Syndergaard (WBS)

Starting Pitcher:   Clayton Kershaw (PP)

Starting Pitcher:   Jon Lester (PLX) 

Starting Pitcher:    JA Happ (MM)

Starting Pitcher:    David Price (PLX)

Relief Pitcher (Saves):    Jeurys Familia (WBS)

Relief Pitcher (Holds):    Kyle Barraclough (PP)

2016 Backyard All-Pro Team

Week 20 Review – Regular Season Finale Edition

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END OF THE REGULAR SEASON ROAD, gentlemen

The regular season is behind us and it ENDED IN STYLE.  While some are sad (me) that we didn’t need to come up with some sort of deranged 5th tiebreaker for the 6th and final playoff spot, we are also happy to report that THE POINT LOMA X-RAYZ have shocked the world and grabbed the #1 and first playoff spot.  For those keeping score at home, the X-Rayz haven’ been in first place since Week 3 AND YET…… when the dust finally settled and the smoke finally cleared and the chickens finally came home to roost and whatfuckingever…….. Mike “West Coast Best Coast” Odom is our #1 seed.  CONGRATULATIONS TO THEM as it was well-earned (7-2-1 over their last 10 matchups).  This of course means that the Main Street MooniniteZ fell out of first but fear not fans because they had their bye wrapped up in Week 19 (8-2 over their last 10 matchups).  Expect much discussion of a certain former dynasty in the days to come.  But FOR NOW, lets review the story of Week 20:  a new #1 seed, a tight battle for the 6th seed, and in the end the seeding remained exactly the goddamn same (except for the whole switcheroo at number one which I just freaking covered a bit).  ON TO THE LAST OF THE REGULAR SEASON REVIEWS………

Editor’s Note:  To honor Springfield Isotopes owner Michael Turtora, who will be sitting out the Backyard Playoffs for the first time ever or whatfuckingever, we will be using an annoying amount of hashtags in this review as this would be our best guess at his last wishes.  #RIPT  #YouAlmostNeverWonOnceYouHitThePlayoffsAnywaysSoBigFuckingDeal

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Still time to change back to “The Youth Movement” Greg…..it is no worse than the OGTFC and MORE TROPHY PLATE FRIENDLY (actually don’t worry about it).

The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Break Nary A Sweat In Defeating The Tanking Art Installation That Was The Last Two Weeks Of The 2016 Pine Lake Punchouts  –  8-1-5

MVP:  Kris Bryant – Kris Bryant is realllllllly in fine form heading into the fantasy playoffs and that should concern whomever has to take on the Fishing Club and so perhaps it’s a stroke of GENIUS for the MooniniteZ to let go of that #1 seed, is how I am spinning that (#AssumingBothHigherSeedsWin  #Strategy).  9/21, 8Rs, 2 doubles, 4HRs, 6RBIs, .519OBP

LVP:  Javier Baez – Perhaps it’s a bit silly to single out individual performance instead of pointing out the fact that Ryan had already gone fishin’ for the 2016 fantasy season but to hell with it, I am not giving Ryan LVP and I’ll probably give Cliff LVP and at least I am taking ownership of my hypocrisy and at least Ryan took ownership of his tank job.  None of this 8 start half-assing it shit like Cliff.  So yea, Javier Baez.  3/20, 1SB, .190OBP

Say what you will about Ryan’s #ShamelessTanking over the past 2 weeks, but you can’t say the team didn’t buy into the philosophy this week.  The Fishing Club had about as strong of an offensive showing as you’ll see in this league, but even a third of that effort should have been enough to overcome the Punchouts enviously awful offense.  The Punchouts were out-homered in Week 20 by Gary Sanchez and tied by Kris Bryant, the latter of which is more important because that guy was on their opponent’s team.  So yea bad offense.  HOWEVER Heroy’s Fishing Club also put up a .414OBP, nearly matching their 2016 season record .422OBP from Week 14.  Add that to the rest of the impressive offensive stats (55Rs, 18 doubles, 17HRs, 52RBIs, 8SBs) and then add that to the fact that the Punchouts only started 4, and you have an easy win in Week 20 for the OGTFC but one that doesn’t really hold up to scrutiny if you’re looking to call it a #cheapie.  With the victory, Heroy notches 11 wins for the second straight year AND THE FANS ARE TIRED OF YOU NOT GETTING IT DONE IN THE PLAYOFFS GREG.  With the loss, Ryan misses the postseason for the first time since 2013 AND YOUR POST-CHAMPIONSHIP (#2014) GRACE PERIOD IS STARTING TO RUN OUT RYAN.  This is a what have you done for me lately kinda league people get used to it.

OGTFC hitter of note:  The youth movement should be equally concerning for potential opponents of the former Youth Movement, chief among them Trea Turner that speedy little fuck (16/32, 6Rs, 1 double, 1HR, 1RBI, 4SBs, .515OBP).

OGTFC pitcher of note:  If Heroy wants to FINALLY turn that golden roster of his into fantasy gold, continued golden performances from Jose Fernandez would be helpful….with that #goldtalk (7IP, 0ER, 9Ks, 1QS, 1W, 0.00ERA).

Punchouts hitter of note:  This was as close to a “not applicable” as I maybe have seen all year so kudos to George Springer and the rest of the Punchouts batters for buying into the quitting (3/24, 3Rs, 1SB, .222OBP).

Punchouts pitcher of note:  Carlos Rodon had 50% of Pine Lake’s starts and kicked ass for 100% of those #SilverLinings #2017AceMaybeIfWalksStayDown (12.2IP, 1ER, 10Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, 0.71ERA).

Next Week aka PLAYOFFS FIRST ROUND:  OGTFC host Rojo’s Resurgence in the #4 vs. #5 matchup (#IExpectTheseTwoToBeVeryCivilTowardsEachOther  #DoNotStoopToLobmanAndBriansLevel  #WEARENOTTHEM…..WeAreNot….Them), Punchouts host NOTHING they are sitting the 2016 playoffs out.

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The keys to a Banana Slugs playoff run, debating whether or not Brian even really DESERVES their best efforts these next few weeks

Barnegat Banana Slugs Re-Eliminate The Already Eliminated Bad Drake Puns Just For Good Fucking Measure  –  9-4-1

MVP: Josh Donaldson – Josh Donaldson is evidently in fine form himself, which renders my whole argument up top about trying to avoid Kris Bryant kinda useless.  Le sigh.  9/23, 9Rs, 5HRs, 10RBIs, .517OBP

LVP:  Jose Altuve – Happy to report fantasy MVP Jose Altuve had KINDA A DOWN WEEK last week, for a change.  I mean he still grabbed some counting stats here and there but hey, a nice sub .200 OBP to conclude Connor’s season.  That’s what you get for (wisely) refusing to trade him, sir.  4/25, 2Rs, 1 double, 1HR, 5RBIs, .154OBP

The Banana Slugs came into Week 20 looking for a few things to break their way that might get them into a first round bye, and those things happened to break the opposite way but AT LEAST they now takes some momentum into the first round.  The Slugs of Barnegat didn’t exactly set the world on fire with their Week 20 performance, but they benefited from an even less-inspired from the already-well-eliminated Bad Drake Puns and they certainly won’t complain about the extra win on the old record.  10HRs (50% of those belonging to Josh Donaldson) and 35RBIs may not have gotten the job done against most other opponents in Week 20 but against the BDP they were PLENTY, as in enough to win the HR cat by 1 and the RBI cat by 2.  The most important aspect of this matchup is that it happened and it ended and now that it ended The Runner Up Curse ™ has well and truly been defeated.  May its trademark quietly expire into the night.  A lot of credit due to Brian, who absorbed a years-worth of curse talk and quietly marched on to finish the regular season with a very impressive 12 wins, a mere half game out of a first round bye.  For his efforts he gets rewarded with a championship game rematch against the #6 seed River City Cuban Missiles.  OH YES……there will be memes.  Oh yea and Connor uhhhh, sucked for the second year in the row.  Which is just what he deserves for 1) that traumatizing run to the championship game in 2014 and 2) fucking running some other league like some sorta dickhole and guilting people from this league into joining that league.  WILL BE ADDRESSED IN THE NEW LEAGUE BYLAWS.

Banana Slugs hitter of note:  Most of the Slugs performed pretty poorly last week imho, and will need to be better to get the Banana Slugs back to the championship game imho, but David Ortiz was still pretty solid, that old fuck (8/27, 6Rs, 2 doubles, 2HRs, 4RBIs, .321OBP).

Banana Slugs pitcher of note:  Rich Hill HAS RETURNED, and at least for one week his thin-skinned fingers allowed him to throw six shutout innings (6IP, 0ER, 3Ks, 1QS, 1W, 0.00ERA).

BDP hitter of note:  Mark Trumbo hit 3 more HRs last week and I for one cannot WAIT until he’s awful next year, so I can complain that he should have been sold high to a championship contender at the trade deadline this year…..of which Connor was not (6/21, 7Rs, 3HRs, 6RBIs, 1SB, .464OBP).

BDP pitcher of note: Carlos Carrasco you, too, deserve a better home (12IP, 3ER, 17Ks, 1QS, 1W, 2.25ERA).

Next Week aka PLAYOFFS FIRST ROUND:  Banana Slugs host the Cuban Missiles in Round 1’s #3 vs. #6 matchup (#THECURSEISLIFTED  #TryNotToHurtEachOthersFeelingsYouThinSkinnedLowEnergyDouchebags), BDP v. whatever dumb fantasy football league he is probably commissioner of (#NoOtherLeaguesOfAnyKinds).

Boston Red Sox v New York Yankees
#fags

Sprinfield Isotopes Flirt With A Shocking Playoff Berth, Ultimately Fail To Close The Deal, Still Get Lucky With The Main Street MooniniteZ, Win  –  8-5-1

MVP: Unfortunately this is either fucking A-Gon or fucking Pedroia or something?  ugh…..I guess Dustin Pedroia – HOW FITTING that in Mikey T’s Topes’ final matchup of the 2016 season, with the playoffs potentially on the line, they would be carried by guys whose names were most relevant 5 years ago.  Says it all really.  Pedroia contributed more than anyone else to the all-important-in-this-particular-matchup steals and OBP cats.  15/25, 5Rs, 2 doubles, 3 RBIs, 2SBs, .643OBP

LVP:  Danny Duffy – Most of the MooniniteZ played hard in Week 20 and I hold no ill will towards any of them except YOU, Danny Duffy.  You broke.  My heart.  Against the Sawks no less.  5IP, 7ER, 2Ks, 12.60ERA.  #IStillBelieveInDanielDuffy

WHAT CAN I SAY, the momentum of the ‘Topes Train knocked me right the fuck out of first place and I will be the first to admit that the MooniniteZ got beaten and beaten squarely.  This was a beating that one can live with, because aside from some shaky fucking pitching the MooniniteZ performed rather well and the Isotopes of Springfield just flat out performed #weller.  Sometimes the team with the worst ERA in the LEAGUE this year throws up a 3.15 with 7QS and a CG against you, and sometimes you bite the dog.  Or something.  This matchup stayed close until a bit into Sunday afternoon by my calculations, with Mikey T’s team being aided by a rare 5 steal week (only 51 on the season, so pretty much 10% of his season total in one week, so my math tells me it should have been more like 5% so RIGGED).  With the victory, the ‘Topes ended the season on a truly impressive 4 game winning streak that had them sniffing the playoffs (ultimately snuffed by the Missiles victory) and left them with at least a somewhat respectable record plus a lot of confidence heading into 2017.  #PlayoffsStreakOverOrWhatever.  With the loss the MooniniteZ allowed themselves to be LAPPED by former co-dynastier(sp?) Mike Odom, however they approached the week with a certain level of comfort knowing that the 2nd bye was already secure at worst.  At worst is what the MooniniteZ got, and there will surely be debate about whether or not seeding matters depending on which teams line up in Round 2.  #NothingReallyMattersLifeIsAMeaninglessVoidPleaseContinueToEnjoyArbys

‘Topes hitter of note:  So now I guess this is Adrian Gonzalez, SAYS IT ALL REALLY Never mind it is Freddie Freeman  #FuckAGon (9/28, 8Rs, 3 doubles, 3HRs, 6RBIs, .424OBP).

‘Topes pitcher of note:  With Freddie Freeman being all good and Anthony Descalfani showing promise PERHAPS the future isn’t quite as grim for the ‘Topes as pundits have painted it (9IP, 0ER, 9Ks, 1QS, 1W, 1CG, 0.00ERA) (then again perhaps it is precisely that grim).

MoonZ’ hitter of note:  My only concern is that perhaps Gary Sanchez has hit tooo many(?) HRs currently and thus will have none left by the time this bye week has passed but also jk he is the greatest hitter there ever was (12/23, 7Rs, 3 doubles, 5HRs, 9RBIs, .607OBP).

MoonZ’ pitcher of note:  Alex Reyes FINALLY GOT A START everybody, but it only went 4.2 innings, but still beware the Moon(Z) (future) is bright (7IP, 1ER, 8Ks, 1.29ERA).

Next Week aka PLAYOFFS FIRST ROUND: Isotopes v. NOBODY THEY ARE ELIMINATED (#PlayoffsStreakMehhhhh  #OnlyLosersCelebrateTheRegularSeason), MooniniteZ vs. NOBODY BUT THAT IS CUZ THEY ARE RESTING AND WAITING PATIENTLY FOR THEIR ROUND 2 OPPONENT (#IfIWasOnSocialMediaIWouldBeQuittingItRightNowAndCallingIt”DarkSideOfTheMoon”)

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;(

Point Loma X-RayZ Overcome Punchouts-esque Offensive Performance To Defeat Indifferent Whitestone Bulldogs AND SNAG THE ONE SEED  – 7-5-2

MVP:  David Price – Maybe the offense struggled a bit but the pitching was rather strong and Odom has to be encouraged by David Price’s work of late. 14IP, 2ER, 15Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, 1.29ERA

LVP:  Cliff because I am a hypocrite and also Jay Bruce – I mean AT LEAST RYAN HAS FOUR RELIEVERS.  Maybe.  I forget at this point so I haven’t exactly fact checked that.  But also Jay Bruce sucked.  2/14, 1 double, .143OBP

Now for the FEEL GOOD STORY OF 2016, the Point Loma X-Rayz.  The X-Rayz took advantage of two absentee team owners in the final two weeks, this is true, but this is a team that went 7-2-1 over its last 10 people and they deserve the #1 seed as much as anyone.  After being ranked eighth in Brian’s HBO-sponsored pre-season Power Rankings #BehindTheTopesEven!, then dealing with the never-ending critique about the lack of draft picks, then starting out the year 2-3-1, the X-Rayz used their signature wheeling and dealing and base stealing style to storm all the way back and take this league’s top spot heading into the 2016 playoffs.  TRULY a remarkable tale, and one that wasn’t without its Week 20 drama as the X-Rayz offense decided to keep things as tight as possible.  Needing mostly just to, yanno field a full roster in order to beat Cliff’s mess, Odom was still forced to sweat out the week (and send Carlos Beltran) packing while his offense threatened to give the matchup away.  In the end, despite losing their signature steals cat, the X-Rayz took home their backup signature triples cat and enough of the pitching cats to claim top o’ the mountain.  I don’t want to talk about Cliff’s team.  WITH THE VICTORY, Odom follows up an impressive 11 win 2015 campaign with an even more impressive 12 win 2016 campaign and gets to up and skip the first round that vexed him last season.  With the loss, Cliff continued to Cliff and whom (#MikeyTLovedTheWordWhomIUseItInHisHonor) knows if he is ever heard from again.

X-Rayz hitter of note:  The Davis’ were bright spots for the X-Rayz in Week 20 but Khris was perhaps slightly better than Chris so this goes to Khris….Davis (6/22, 7Rs, 1 double, 1 triple, 2HRs, 6RBIs, .360OBP).

X-Rayz pitcher of note:  Equally encouraging work from Chris Archer across two starts last week, as the two aces of the X-Rayz staff look to put an up and down season behind them and finish strong (12IP, 4ER, 16Ks, 1QS, 1W, 3.00ERA).

Bulldogs hitter of note:  Brian Dozier remains one of the most underrated fantasy middle infielders and I look forward to possibly attempting to acquire him should the Bulldogs fall under new ownership….ahem  (9/27, 8Rs, 3 doubles, 2HRs, 4RBIs, 2SBs, .379OBP).

Bulldogs pitcher of note:  Vince Velasquez got started by Cliff against Cliff’s beloved Mets on Sunday, so I suppose that is noteworthy (5IP, 1ER, 7Ks, 1.80ERA).

Next Week aka PLAYOFFS FIRST ROUND:  X-Rayz v. motherfuckin’ NOBODY cuz they are chilling in the bye week as the #1 seed (#WeSnatchinUpAllYoByes), Cliff v. NOBODY FOREVER PROBABLY (#AStrongerCommishWouldHaveGottenHimOutThreeYearsAgo  #NeverT).

THE IMODIUM “TRY NOT TO SHIT YOURSELF OVER THE PLAYOFFS STARTING NEXT WEEK” LAST O’ THE YEAR…… GAME O’ THE WEEK

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Just cuz

River City Cuban Missiles Complete Sad Slog To The Sixth Seed, Also Complete Rojo’s Resurgence’s Sad Fall From Grace, Win  – 6-5-3

MVP:  Manny Machado-  If the Cuban Missiles make any noise in the playoffs it will more than likely be due to Manny Machado going off, although more than likely they will just make no noise in spite of Manny Machado going off  #QuieterThanABlackHole  #KindaLikePrettyMuchEveryMikeyTPlayoffAppearanceEver.  13/33, 7Rs, 2 doubles, 3HRs, 7RBIs, .394OBP

LVP:  Hunter Pence – Just because like, stop being hurt all the time Hunter Pence. Yanno?  Just cut it out already.  2/11, .182 OBP

TRY NOT TO SHIT YOURSELF but I am almost done with this final regular season review which means the regular season is over which means all you first round participants should be frantically checking lefty righty splits for every bat on your roster.  Or just I dunno continuing to live your lives.  ANYWHO, Lobman surreeeee roped us all in with the promise of the intrigue of the possibility of some sort of Mythical 5th tiebreaker that could have destroyed the very league.  AND THEN, with a nice assist from that lay-down-like-a-dog sonofabitch Sunday Resurgence offense, it was all taken away from us.  I don’t know or care to know the particulars of what went wrong on Sunday but alls I know is Lobman went into the day looking a bit grim and came out of it sitting pretty in his undisputed 6th spot.  SAD!  A cursory analysis of Sunday says that the inability of the Resurgence to hit any HRs on Sunday, combined with the ability of the Missiles to hit 4HRs on Sunday, combined with a team designed to win holds every week ONCE AGAIN not winning holds in a week, lead to Rojo’s final slide on down the standings and Lobman’s final pathetic stumble forward into the playoffs.  CONGRATS TO BOTH TEAMS ON A COMPETITIVE SEASON!  With the win, the Cuban Missiles crushed the field good story that was the Isotopes playoff push and afforded themselves the opportunity to at least casually participate in a title defense.  With the loss, Rojo’s Resurgence’s Desurgence came to its final resting place as the 5th seed, after many weeks as the #1 seed.  This review author hopes with all his heart that Rojo found peace and happiness and learned to love again during that period of time.  Fin.

Missiles hitter of note:  (32 year old) Yulieski Gurriel made his LONG ANTICIPATED debut, but really only “anticipated” if you are Mike Lobman and you like to pretend every prospect you add is the next Joe fucking DiMaggio  #AtLeastHeIsCubanIGuess (4/1, 2 doubles, 2RBIs, .417OBP).

Missiles pitcher of note:  Truthfully Kevin Gausman may have been most responsible for this most important of wins for the Missiles, and good I’m a fan (13IP, 0ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, 0.00ERA).

Resurgence hitter of note:  This fucking Hernan Perez character keeps stuffing stat sheets I tell you (5/19, 4Rs, 1 double, 1 triple, 2HRs, 6RBIs, 3SBs, .300OBP).

Resurgence pitcher of note:  The Resurgence can only go as far as their Asian pitching takes them imho, and one of those Asian pitchers is Masahiro Tanaka (7IP, 0ER, 5Ks, 1QS, 1W, 0.00ERA).

Next Week aka PLAYOFFS FIRST ROUND:  The #6 Cuban Missiles travel to Barnegat to take on the #3 seed Banana Slugs (#FriendshipsWillBeTested  #FatherToBeVersusFatherToTwo),  the #5 Resurgence travels to Ocean Gate to take on the #4 seed Trout Fishing Club (#HoldsVersusHeroy  #ResurgenceVersusRacist).

And that was the THRILLING conclusion to the 2016 season.  When it was all said and done, the 2016 season saw 5 teams with 11+ wins and 3 with 12+ wins.  Maybe that’s some sort of record I don’t know.  AND NOW THE REAL SEASON STARTS  #OnlyLosersCelebrateTheRegularSeason.  BEST OF LUCK TO ALL PARTICIPANTS  #FantasySportsAreAMixOfSkillAndLuckKindaLikePokerButCrueler

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Still calling this the odds-on favorite for the future appearance of the Backyard Trophy, SECOND SEED BE DAMNED
Week 20 Review – Regular Season Finale Edition

Week 19 Review – Ut Fucking Oh One Fucking Week To Go Edition

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If everyone attending the playoffs could please find your assigned seats and sit down that would be great.

WEEK 19 IS IN THE BOOKS.  By my math that leaves one week to go, and by my math we are alllll but set with our six potential 2016 champeens.  From where I am sitting (ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN [at least for now]), the Springfield Isotopes would need a series of blessings to somehow steal the 6th seed from the River City Cuban Missiles and those blessings would start with beating me so let’s end that there.  Perhaps there will be a quick hypotheticals article later in the week but FOR NOW, let us briefly review the week that just was……. 

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Who knew he would be this good? NONE OF YOU that’s who. Or else he might have been drafted before those ungodly late rounds when Odom finally got around to having draft picks…

Point Loma X-Rayz Defeat Some Sort Of Nonviolent Protest Of Mikey T’s Reign As Commissioner, A Nonviolent Protest Named The Pine Lake Punchouts  –  10-3-1

MVP:  Jean Segura (EDIT:  HE DIDN’T DRAFT HIM WHATFUCKING EVER NARRATIVE IS OVERRATED SENTIENCE IS AN ILLUSION)  SPEAKING of that Opening Day roster of Odom’s, Jean Segura is arguably its greatest success story.  Passed over by everyone else in the draft REPEATEDLY, and Mitch Odom snares him and it turns out and he puts up an insanely valuable fantasy season.  On a roster that changes a wholeeee fuckofalot Jean Segura has been a constant.  WHICH IS A MATH TERM.  I hate math.  13/27, 5Rs, 4 doubles, 1HR, 5RBIs, 5SBs, .500OBP

LVP:  Stephen Strasburg – I mean not that Ryan necessarily noticed but Stephen Strasburg would have put him in a realllllll hole were he trying to compete for the ERA cat this week.  And then Stephen Strasburg went and got himself put back on the 15 day DL.  Pine Lake fans have to wonder if A) Stras will ever be healthy and B) if management might get tired of the DL stints and trade him before that has the chance to happen.  1.2IP, 9ER, 3Ks, 48.60ERA

This one was pretty close final score wise but since it included such an absolutely beautiful tank job from Ryan’s Punchouts I figured I would get it out of the way early.  TAINTS THE LEAGUE and all, but I prefer to view it as a silent referendum on the way the league has allowed Cliff to operate with nigh impunity for oh so long.  The X-Rayz had a decent week and VERY MUCH DESERVE to grab themselves a bye for this year’s playoffs, especially given all the game of thrones-inspired flack they received for their mediocre opening day roster.  That being said, and I doubt you shall find Odom complaining about this, but the X-Rayz are clearly getting to close out their regular season against 2 teams that have just plain packed it in.  At least Ryan had the decency to wait until Week 19 and has a super duper pregnant wife to contend with at home, someone remind me what’s Cliff’s excuse for packing it in 5 years ago.  ANYWHOM, the Punchouts only started 5 pitchers and even left 2 QS on the bench sooooo…. yes.  That’s gonna be a loss pretty much errytime.  To their credit the X-Rayz pitched very well ( and to their credit (?) they also hit mediocrely okay-ish, the steals were there as always and they took the OBP cat .326 to .311.  And to Ryan’s credit he didn’t half-ass the tank job by starting 9 or 10 NO, he started 5 and cleansed his roster of all catchers.  Congratulations to both franchises!

X-Rayz hitter of note:  Nice to see Chris Davis remember that he’s supposed to be good and do things aside from strikeout and such (5/19, 6Rs, 5HRs, 5RBIs, .364OBP).

X-Rayz pitcher of note:  The X-Rayz may have found themselves a reallll gem (or just like a rich man’s Francisco Liriano) in Robbie Ray (12IP, 2ER, 18Ks, 1QS, 2Ws, 1.50ERA).

Punchouts hitter of note:  Let it be known that Ryan Braun is a good soldier and bought into the tanking wholeheartedly, except for all of those pesky RBI doubles (3/21, 1R, 2 doubles, 5RBIs, .143OBP).

Punchouts pitcher of note:  Real nice performance from Chris Sale here ON THE BENCH (8IP, 0ER, 8Ks, 1QS, 1W, 0.00ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  X-Rayz v. Bulldogs (AKA the second team when I was referring to two two teams that packed it in up there, in case that was unclear in some way), Punchouts v. Trout Fishing Club (Seanstradamus predicts a Punchouts loss here).

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Jorge Posada passing the “greatest Yankee catcher of all time” torch to Gary Sanchez (I didn’t follow the Yankees before 1996 and have Jim Leyritz as 3rd best Yankee catcher of all time).

Main Street MooniniteZ RIGHT WRONGS,  Start A New Winning Streak, Officially Eliminate The Bad Drake Puns From The Playoffs, Etc. Etc. Etc.  –  10-2-2

MVP: Gary Sanchez – Best Yankee catcher ever?  Best Yankee catcher ever.  9/18, 3Rs, 2 doubles, 3HRs, 5RBIs, .571OBP

LVP:  Braden Shipley – Connor probably thought he was realllll slick when he picked up Braden Shipley.  Probably wanted to stream rookie starters because he saw the cool kids (Odom, Sean) doing it.  WELL YOU AREN’T COOL CONNOR AND BRADEN SHIPLEY BLOWS.  10.1IP, 13ER, 5Ks, 11.32ERA.

There is no greater feeling than getting to rebound from a frustrating/win streak murdering fantasy loss with a thorough beatdown of the Bad Drake Puns that also happens to officially eliminate them from playoff contention.  This one wasn’t close because of course it wasn’t, as a franchise we take pride in exacting revenge on Connor for handing me my lone/co-dynasty ending playoff loss two seasons ago.  After a WEAK performance in WEEK 18 the MooniniteZ came out STRONG on offense in 19, racking up 21 HRs, 58Rs, 64RBIs, and 6SBs with a tidy .365OBP.  The BDP put up respectable numbers of their own (49Rs, 22 doubles, 15 HRs, 42RBIs, 4SBs, .359 OBP) but these were no match for a determined-to-beat-Connor-every-single-fucking-time MooniniteZ squad.  At least for this year, they beat Connor every single fucking time.  Until next year, Bad Drake Puns (maybe).

MooniniteZ hitter of note:  An all around strong offensive week (no biggie ’round here) but Eduardo Nunez gets the HoN crown for having at least 1 of everything (9/27, 6Rs, 3 doubles, 1 triple, 1HR, 7RBIs, 2SBs, .379OBP).

MooniniteZ pitcher of note:  Danny Duffy is a motherfucking revelation (14.1IP, 2ER, 9Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, 1.26ERA).

BDP hitter of note:  Yea yea yea Jose Altuve is still the best player in the league this year whatfuckinever he couldn’t even steal a base last week (11/27, 4Rs, 4 doubles, 1HR, 9RBIs, .429OBP).

BDP pitcher of note:  I’m gonna highlight Tom Wilhelmsen just cuz I want to (0.1IP, 4ER, 1K, 108.00ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. Isotopes (the whole “Mikey T rallies for the playoffs” thing is so cute I haven’t even looked at his season stats to see if he’d have a chance through tiebreakers), BDP v. Banana Slugs (Bit of a must win for the Banana Slugs, bit of a who gives a shit you’re eliminated for the BDP).

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Goodnight, sweet Bulldogs. AND GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE (though not technically, that may take a few weeks).

Rojo’s Resurgence Beat Up On The Bulldogs, Whom Are Already Dead And Have Been Dead For Quite Some Time So Maybe Don’t Read Too Much Into It  –  9-3-2

MVP: Paul Goldschmidt – This was one of the weirder lines I have seen all season, at first I thought Goldy had 11RBIs last week but NO he had zero RBIs but 11 walks.  Feels worth noting.  So I ammmm noting it.  9/23, 10Rs, 2 doubles, 1 triple, ZERO RBIs, 11 WALKS, 2SBs, .588OBP

LVP:  Brandon Nimmo but mostly Cliff – Nimmo started Monday through Thursday for the mighty Bulldogs.  IS NOT IN THE MAJOR LEAGUES.  NO STATS AS ONE MIGHT EXPECT.

I am pretty tired of talking about Cliff’s team so let’s instead focus on the Resurgence, who have seized momentum after a narrow victory over the Punchouts and used that momentum to propel them to victory over a team that really requires no momentum….propulsion…..to beat.  The Resurgence paired a decently productive pitching week (75Ks, 7QS, 8Ws, 4.24ERA) with a decently productive hitting week (50Rs, 19 doubles, 13HRs, .358OBP) and that was enough to secure the victory over the other team, which again starts guys that are in the minors and stuff.  That other team also started 10, which was helpful, but not nearly as helpful as the Resurgence’s previous opponent only starting 11 and then narrowly losing on Ks.  With the win Rojo’s Resurgence finds themselves in third place, a far cry from their long reign as the top seed but still in position to grab a bye.  With the loss the Whitestone Bulldogs find themselves in the same spot they have occupied all season.  To grab the 2nd seed Rojo’s Resurgence will need to defeat the 2015 champs in Week 20, while also having this dead bulldog of a team defeat a dangerous Point Loma X-Rayz squad.  Good luck.  With that second one.

Resurgence hitter of note:  As much as I like calling out Ian Kinsler’s struggles (1/21), I should probably salute the ageless Adrian Beltre once again (7/22, 3Rs, 1 doubles 3HRs, 6RBIs, .423OBP).

Resurgence pitcher of note:  Kluuuuuuuuuuubez…..Corey Kluber (12.2IP, 3ER, 15Ks, 2QS, 1W, 2.13ERA).

Bulldogs hitter of note:  I’m gonna be negative with Cliff because negative is what Cliff deserves; is Miguel Sano even good (0/12, .077OBP)?

Bulldogs pitcher of note:  Is Vince Velasquez worn the fuck down (11.2IP, 10ER, 17Ks, 7.71ERA)? (yes)

Next Week aka This Week: Resurgence v. Cuban Missiles (Rojo attempts to put Lobman through a window, fantasy metaphorically speaking…  and just like the real incident essentially it will probably change nothing), Bulldogs v. X-Rayz (Odom so close to that bye he can TASTE IT….and it tastes like a dead bulldog).

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#EXPRESSMEN #tool

Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club Reel In A W Over A Reeling Barnegat Banana Slugs Franchise  – 9-3-2

MVP:  Kris Bryant – It seems to have allllll worked out for Heroy with that whole “draft Kris Bryant and have him clog up a bench spot for an entire season” thing.  Which is a shame, but at least it very definitely helped cost him a playoff berth that season and we all got to critique it at the time.  Was probably worth it though. 14/29, 9Rs, 1 double, 3HRs, 11RBIs, 1SB, .531OBP

LVP:  Jake Lamb – Jake Lamb is slumping and slumping hard.  The Runner Up Curse ™ ?  Whom is to say.  Probably not though.  2/21, 3Rs, 2RBIs, 1SB, .200OBP

I will admit that “reeling” is a strong term given the fact that the Slugs have merely lost two in a row but if I didn’t try and shoehorn in as many references to The Runner Up Curse ™ as possible I WOULDN’T BE DOING MY JOB.  So there it is, there are your references.  The curse is all but broken seeing as how the Slugs are in the field o’ six HOWEVER that doesn’t mean I can’t point out that Gregory Heroy’s Fishing Club kicked the shit out of Brian Smith’s mollusks.  The Youth Movement is BACK baby, as the OGTFC employed some excellent work by MLB rookies Trea Turner, Reynaldo Lopez, and Alex Bregman to help dictate the pace of this matchup.  The Banana Slugs were able to take the HR cat thanks to 3HRs a piece from Ortiz and Brad Miller (and 2 a piece from LeMahieu and Forsythe) but that would be the only offensive cat nabbed by the boys from Barnegat, and their pitching was too mediocre overall to make up the difference.  For the Banana Slugs, this matchup cost them third place as the Resurgers were able to leapfrog them in the standings with one week to go.  And for the Fishing Club, this brought them to a virtual tie for third with the Slugs (albeit one back in the wins column so very much not tied at all) and they now have to hope for a Slugs loss coupled with a win of their own in Week 20.  Yanno if they give a shit about getting into 3rd place.  Who knows if anyone cares about seeding once a bye is out of the question.  Not a concern of mine  🙂

OGTFC hitter of note:  Heyyyy Alex Bregman is finally doing some good hitting stuff in the majors, congrats to him (11/28, 6Rs, 2 doubles, 3HRs, 9RBIs, .433OBP).

OGTFC pitcher of note:  Heyyyy Reynaldo Lopez had a real nice game, now do it against someone that isn’t the Braves (7IP, 1ER, 11Ks, 1QS, 1W, 1.29ERA).

Banana Slugs hitter of note:  I hope this DJ LeMahieu  DTD thing isn’t too serious for the sake of Brian’s delicate psyche towards Rockies injuries, but I don’t care enough to check up on it (14/24, 9Rs, 1 double, 1 triple, 2HRs, 6RBIs, .630OBP).

Banana Slugs pitcher of note:  Ervin Santana WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK (14IP, 1ER, 16Ks, 2QS, 1W, 0.64ERA)?!

Next Week aka This Week:  OGTFC v. Punchouts (Good news for Heroy here, as Ryan currently makes Cliff seem like a dedicated and involved team owner), Banana Slugs v. BDP (MUST WIN if the Slugs want a bye and yet maybe it won’t matter either way and maybe that’s life).

THE XANAX MOSTLY FORGETTABLE BUT ALSO MORE INTERESTING THAN ANY OF THE OTHER LOPSIDED MATCHUPS…… GAME OF THE WEEK

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Ian Kennedy as Mikey T sees him…..

Springfield Isotopes Continue Sad Playoff Push, This Time At Expense Of Sad Defending Champion River City Cuban Missiles – 8-6-0

MVP:  Ian Kennedy-  You are goddamned right I just gave Ian Kennedy a goddamned matchup MVP.  14.2IP, 1ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, .0.61ERA

LVP:  Rougned Odor – The Cuban Missiles entire roster was so aggressively mediocre in Week 18 that it’s really hard to pick the one guy that was the worst, most of them just weren’t very good.  So I will just give this to Rougned Odor for having a stupid name.  Do better, Rougned.  4/20, 2Rs, 1HR, 2RBIs, .273OBP

THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE.  It still can’t really be done, but don’t tell that to Springfield Isotopes fans that are fucking FIRED THE FUCK UP over this 3 game winning streak.  Say what you want about Mikey T but he knows how to make an unimpressive team look less impressive, and going from 4-9-3 to 7-9-3 should help him do that once again.  This was really our closest COMPETITIVE matchup, coming down to a Sunday that saw the Springfield Isotopes racking up 16Ks which surpassed the Missiles 15 Sunday Ks (by 1K) and allowed the Isotopes to grab the all-important strikeout category (by 1K).  Remember to get your strikeouts, kids.  Other things for Lobman to feel ashamed about include losing HRs (14 to 12) and RBIs (51 to 44) to a team whose roster he took to task following their trade deadline (terrible) deals.  LOOK WHOSE ROSTER LOOKS AGED NOW.  With this win, Mikey T ends up one game back of Lobman with one to play and at least leaves the door open the tiniest of slivers for having the 4th tiebreaker (overall season numbers) determine the 6th seed.  But Mikey T plays me in Week 20 so it also doesn’t.  SAD!

‘Topes hitter of note:  My main man Lorenzo Cain, who is nowhere near as good as Joey Votto, actually had a good week for the first time this year (to the best of my knowledge) and good for him I say (11/26, 4Rs, 4 doubles, 5RBIs, 1SB, .484OBP).

‘Topes pitcher of note:  Cole Hamels continues to chug away despite Mikey T trying to trade him a hundred times (7.1IP, 1ER, 10Ks, 1QS, 1W, 1.23ERA).

Cuban Missiles hitter of note:  Mike can take solace in the knowledge that, at least for one week, Bryce Harper at least vaguely resembled the really good guy from last year (11/27, 6Rs, 2 doubles, 2HRs, 10RBIs, 2SBs, .529OBP).

Cuban Missiles pitcher of note:  Kendall Graveman stop throwing CGs and pretending to be good because I am not at all buying it (9IP, 0ER, 5Ks, 1QS, 1W, 1CG, 0.00ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  ‘Topes v. MooniniteZ (Best of luck to you with that), Cuban Missiles v. Resurgence (LOBMAN’S PLAYOFF HOPES ON THE LINE… but I don’t know probably not really).

Last week of the Backyard 2016 Regular Season is upon us.  And for fucks sake these seasons take forever.  SO YEA MAYBE 18 GAMES GOING FORWARD.  BUT FOR NOW ONE MORE WEEK THEN PLAYOFFS.

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Week 19 Review – Ut Fucking Oh One Fucking Week To Go Edition

Week 18 Review – P(OH)etic Justice Edition


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This review is not to be confused with this film, which was BEAUTIFUL.

SO WEEK 18 HAPPENED.  Since I basically copy and paste the previous week’s review as a template I was able to look upon my range of mistakes……perhaps it was a poor idea to call the GOTW  “the Amtrak runaway fucking train of a fantasy baseball team……’s victory of the week”.  PERHAPS THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT FOR ME.  Perhaps it was such a ridiculous convergence of events needed to snap the only win streak worth a DAMN this season that one has no choice but to conclude this was due to a curse brought upon by the people that died in that pictured train wreck (I assume at least someone died).  ANYWHO we will get to that.  The other exciting news of the week was THE ERASURE OF PETER MITCHELL FROM THE RECORD BOOKS FOREVER, all thanks to Mike Odom and a dominant/record-setting steals performance from the X-Rayz.  Odom has been molding a steals-based roster for two goddamn years so it is only right the record is with him.  And now it is.  And probably forever out of reach.  LET US REVIEW SOME SHIT……. 

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Pictured: These two THIEVES (not exactly happier times, just pretend Billy is exhausted from breaking the record or something)

Point Loma X-Rayz well and truly salt da Slugs as was the plan last time, HANDILY defeat the Barnegat Banana Slugs –  10-3-1

MVP:  Jose Ramirez– Both Ramirez and Billy Hamilton completely killed it in Week 18 but Ramirez takes the MVP nod for actually working in the occasional RBI, whereas Billy has FIFTEEN ALL YEAR.  12/25, 9Rs, 4 doubles, 2HRs, 7RBIs, 6SBs, .500OBP

LVP:  Jake Lamb– FOR FUCKS SAKE, Jake Lamb.  Someone go back through all the old reviews and see if this is the worst hitting performance I have highlighted.  I have a review to write here so I am busy.  0/21, 1R, 1RBI, .125OBP

Our biggest rout of Week 18, but don’t let that sell this matchup short because it was a HISTORIC steals performance by the X-Rayz and also an impressive beatdown in a matchup between two teams currently vying for second and dreaming of first.  The X-Rayz erased Pete Mitchell from the league’s memory (his victims souls can now finally rest) with a new all-time record of 27 steals, and that was 25 more than the 2 steals the Slugs mustered, and that should be the largest gap ever seen in that cat.  Elsewhere the X-Rayz pitched real fuckin’ solid, with 9 QS 92Ks and a 3.09ERA.  An uncharacteristically quiet offensive week and a 4.60 team ERA kept the Banana Slugs from ever making the final score close despite a whole bunch o’ close categories.  The Slugs would have slid into first place with a W (DUE TO A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS) but alas, when the smoke cleared these two teams were left with identical win percentages.  For now, Barnegat owns the tiebreaker and the 2nd seed, by virtue of having one more win than Point Loma (11 to 10).

X-Rayz hitter of note:  The X-Rayz SHATTERED the all-time steal records so you should know that Billy Hamilton was involved (8/23, 6Rs, 2 doubles,  1 triple, 8SBs, .481OBP).

X-Rayz pitcher of note:  Dellin Betances is a bad, bad man and nearly lead the X-Rayz in strikeouts despite pitching THREE INNINGS (3IP, 0ER, 8Ks, 2 saves, 0.00ERA).

Banana Slugs hitter of note:  I’ve heard (read) whispers that Joc Pederson is actually making contact these days and lo and behold it’s kinda true, at least for last week (9/21, 6Rs, 5 doubles, 2HRs, 7RBIs, .500OBP).

Banana Slugs pitcher of note:  John Lackey had a helluva week and now John Lackey has a stiff shoulder, and Brian waits with bated breath for news (14.2IP, 1ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 1W, 0.61ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  X-Rayz v. Punchouts (Odom chasing that second seed and attempting to join former co-owner Sean McLaughlin ATOP THE MOUNTAIN ONCE AGAIN), Banana Slugs v. Trout Fishing Club (This is also an extremely important matchup for seeding purposes so YEA).

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Not in the major league’s last week but a starting CF on Cliff’s fantasy team and in Cliff’s heart

River City Cuban Missiles beat a dead horse, because Cliff literally manages his team like a literal dead horse –  8-3-3

MVP: David Dahl – David Dahl continues to give Cuban Missiles fans something to look forward to next year, perhaps distracting just enough from the very probable probability that River City will be having no ticker tape parade this year.  Suck on that Lobman.  7/25, 7Rs, 2 doubles, 2 triples, 3RBIs, .379OBP

LVP:  Cliff – Cliff it has been real……good job rolling out 8 starting pitchers and 2 relievers (AGAIN?!) all week, and putting a bunch of Mets in your lineup that were either on the DL or sent down or all but sent down.

To point out that Cliff lost again feels like further beating the dead horse, and I can only critique a dead-horse fantasy lineup managerial style so much, and so yea.  Cliff shall be out next year and we wish him well in his future endeavors and we hope his ousting strains his “friendship” with Mike Lobman beyond repair.  SPEAKING of Mike Lobman, he had the fortune of playing Cliff this week.  So while his team racked up an IMPRESSIVE 5 triples in one day (7 total) and a solid 55 RBIs and 74Ks, I mean it’s not like he needed all of those.  Shoulda saved some of those for later.  I think that’s how this game works.

Cuban Missiles hitter of note:  Giancarlo Stanton hit a HR last week but more of note is the fact that he ravaged his groin and shall in all likelihood miss all of September, AN ANNUAL TRADITION (5/17, 1R, 1 double, 1HR, 5RBIs, .333OBP).

Cuban Missiles pitcher of note:  Kevin Gausman had a decent enough week and I wish him well in all of his future endeavors (10IP, 4ER, 15Ks, 1QS, 3.60ERA).

Bulldogs hitter of note:  Brandon Nimmo, whom was sent down on August 9th but whom was also in the lineup EVERY SINGLE DAY for Cliff  (NO FUCKING STATS TO SPEAK OF).

Bulldogs pitcher of note:  Steven Matz was far better than Clifford deserves (13.1IP, 2ER, 17Ks, 2QS, 1W, 1.35ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  Missiles v. Isotopes (the Missiles can still improve their playoff positioning a bit, this matchup would be testy either way), Bulldogs v. Resurgence (Brandon Nimmo remains the Bulldogs starting CF, really all that needs to be said).

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Charlie Blackmon ’twas not fuckin’ around last week

Springfield Isotopes deal a crushing blow to their bestie’s playoff chances, beat Bad Drake Puns –  7-5-2

MVP: Charlie Blackmon – Charlie Blackmon had himself a fuckin’ WEEK upon finding himself back in Mikey T’s loving embrace.  Check this shit out.  18/32, 13Rs, 3 doubles, 7HRs, 9RBIs, 1SB, fuckinnng .600OBP

LVP:  Albert Pujols – Albert Pujols has had a pretty productive season, but I ain’t up here reviewing seasons.  His week was less productive than his season #analysis.  2/19, 1R, 1 double, 7HRs, 9RBIs, 1SB, .105OBP

In a fairly shocking offensive performance, the Isotopes pulled no punches and offensively DOMINATED the Bad Drake Puns in Week 18.  One can only hope this leads to Connor taking Mikey T’s initials out of his AIM profile.  The ‘Topes, lead by Charlie Blackmon and Freddie Freeman and co., racked up some eye-popping numbers for a team that’s sucked as hard as they have sucked all year:  63Rs, 26 doubles, 23HRs, 64RBIs, .420OBP.  Given the fact that Charlie Blackmon just recently returned to Mikey T and given the OTHER fact that Freddie Freeman is very good and given the OTHER OTHER fact that the team got a boost from Yanks prospect Aaron Judge (2HRs in his debut week), ‘Topes fans have to feel good about their immediate future.  Yanno assuming they don’t stare too long at the recent Isotopes trade deals or turn their gaze towards the suddenly suspect pitching staff.  But this was a good week.  CAN’T take that away from ’em.  CAN mutter “too little too late” under your breath.

‘Topes hitter of note:  Hey what do you know Freddie Freeman keeps kicking ass, kinda like what he’s been doing since June….WHAT DO….YOU KNOW…..at least Mikey T had to give up a lot to acquire him via trade, at least that (10/22, 8Rs, 3 doubles, 4HRs, 8RBIs, .594OBP).

‘Topes pitcher of note:  It wasn’t alllll sunshine and rainbows for the Isotopes last week, which I will mostly point out because they refused to trade me Jose Berrios (2IP, 5ER, 1K, 22.50ERA).

BDP hitter of note:  So Jose Altuve had like a 500 somethin’ OBP but what the fuck else is new (12/25, 6Rs, 3 doubles, 1 triple, 6RBIs, 1SB, .519OBP).

BDP pitcher of note:  KYLE HENDRICKS…..struck out 12 Cardinals in 7 innings of work…..so yea Kyle Hendricks (7IP, 2ER, 12Ks, 1QS, 2.57ERA).

Next Week aka This Week: ‘Topes v. Cuban Missiles (ALWAYS an entertaining matchup and at least allegedly the ‘Topes are not yet eliminated or something, allegedly), BDP v. MooniniteZ (MooniniteZ out for alllll sorts of vengeance in this one).

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This matchup review is brought to you by the number TWELVE

Rojo’s Resurgence rally on Sunday for much needed win against the LAZY 11 start starting Pine Lake Punchouts – 7-6-1

MVP:  Michael Fulmer – One can easily make the case that Michael Fulmer won the Resurgence this week.  Cuz yanno, he did with a 9K CG shutout on Sunday.  (16IP, 2ER, 15Ks, 2QS, 1W, 1CG, 1.13ERA)

LVP:  Adam Wainwright – It was tempting to give this to Pine Lake’s 12th start of the week SINCE IT DIDN’T HAPPEN AND ALL, but really a lot of blame here should go to Adam Wainwright for torpedoing ERA and not lasting deeper into the game.  Which might have yielded 1 or 2 more Ks.  (2IP, 7ER, 2Ks, 31.50ERA)

RESURGENCE PERHAPS BEGINS A RESURGENCE?  That would be the headline if the newspaper from whatever town Rojo’s Resurgence hails from didn’t give a shit about grammar.  And apparently I have decided they do NOT.  But Ryan doesn’t give a shit about grammar and didn’t give a shit about getting that 12th start in and that was (basically) DIRECTLY the cause of the Resurgence win and the Punchouts loss.  So let’s not start penciling Rojo’s Resurgence in for a bye just yet.  Is what I am saying (although it is still attainable!).  The Punchouts had themselves a tenuous lead heading into Sunday and then Michael Joseph Fulmer hit the mound and said fuck to the that.  Fulmer’s 9 K CG swung the matchup entirely, as 9 K CGs are wont to do, and in the end Rojo’s Resurgence won this matchup by ONE FREAKING K.  If you are thinking Ryan could have picked a 12th start out of a hat and probably gotten 2 Ks you are probably correct.  But no such things were done and as a result the Resurgence come away with a badly needed W (FOR MORALE) and the Punchouts are o-ficially e-liminated from playoff contention.  SAD!

Resurgence hitter of note:  Adrian Beltre why don’t you just play forever (14/27, 4Rs, 2 doubles, 2HRs, 8RBIs, .552OBP).

Resurgence pitcher of note:  Like BESIDES Fulmer is what I am supposed to do here I guess?  Uhhhh CC Sabathia had an okay game (6IP, 3ER, 7Ks, 1QS, 1W, 4.50ERA).

Punchouts hitter of note:  Carlos Correa killed it also but NO let’s make a note of Ryan Braun producing for a change (10/23, 6Rs, 2 doubles, 4HRs, 9RBIs, .480OBP).

Punchouts pitcher of note:  Clayton Kershaw, whom remains hurt (which has always been an issue).

Next Week aka This Week:  Banana Slugs v. X-Rayz (when everyone gets the chance please reach out and offer your condolences to Brian about Trevor Story), Resurgence v. Punchouts (GET IT TOGETHER ROJO).

THE PARAMOUNT PICTURES PRESENTS JIM CARREY IN “LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS”……..SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS OF THE WEEK

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Now available on DVD and BluRay if you need a gift for someone you FUCKING DESPISE
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Get fucked, Kevin Siegrist.  Just cuz.

Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club Derail Main St. MooniniteZ THROUGH A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS SOME OF WHICH I MAY EVEN TOUCH ON BELOW – 8-6-0

MVP:  Mookie Betts-  Fuck Mookie Betts and particularly fuck the fact that almost all of this damage was done on Sunday bloody Sunday.  8/2, 5Rs, 3 doubles, 3HRs, 10RBIs, .364OBP

LVP:  Wade Miley – Through a series of unfortunate events I ended up with fucking Wade Miley as my 12th start and he went out and suckedddddd so hard, when alls I wanted was a few Ks from the fucker. 4.1IP, 6ER, ONE K, 12.46ERA

Credit where credit is due, Heroy’s paper champions defeated the MooniniteZ fair and square and put a stop to the only win streak worth noting this season.  Solid overall offensive stats and clutch Sunday performances helped the OGTFC come from behind to defeat the MooniniteZ and serve them some humble pie.  But okay seriously fuck humble pie and fuck you, Gregory Heroy.  Let’s break down the Sunday disaster.  For the SECOND TIME THIS YEAR that piece of shit Mookie Betts, second best athlete named Mookie of all time, hit 3HRs in a game against the MooniniteZ.  In a matchup where the MooniniteZ would ultimately win the HR cat this may seem strange to bring up but ALAS it was the 8RBIs that came with those HRs that stung, along with the OBP boost (OBP was close heading into Sunday but by the end of it the Fishing Club won the cat .358 to .334).  NO MATTER, the MooniniteZ remained in good shape heading into the Sunday night game.  Cue the 3 MooniniteZ batters not helping (apologies to Brandon Moss and his meaningless HR) and cue Kris Bryant hitting his first triple of his entire fucking season, and just like that the matchup was tied.  EVEN THEN, the matchup seemed likely to stay tied with the Cubs enjoying a lead and Heroy needing ex-Mooninite Seung Hwan Oh to enter the game.  And then ex-Mooninite Stephen Piscotty crushed a 3 run HR off Hector Rondon whom sucks balls.  A lot of jaded ex-Mooninites out there.  EVEN THEN, the odds of Oh K-ing the side in a save situation weren’t great but NEVER FUCKING MIND cuz Kevin Siegrist is a little girl and had to leave the 8th inning early with injury.  Lo and behold, Seung Hwan Oh had 5 outs to get 3Ks and lo and behold he went out there and struck out the side in the ninth anyways.  Plus 1K in the 8th on overmatched ex-Mooninite Addison Russel…. plus he got to face Jorger Soler as a pinch hitter in the 9th, and I think I could have struck him out on that night.  SAY IT AIN’T SOOOAHWHOAH OH.  But yanno, still in first BIG UPS TO MITCH ODOM.

OGTFC hitter of note:  HEY maybe you might have noticed above that Kris Bryant got his first triple of the season last week…..congrats……Kris (9/27, 7Rs, 3 doubles, 1 triple, 1HR, 3RBIs, .333OBP).

OGTFC pitcher of note:  Jake Odorizzi wasn’t even particularly great but he provided 10Ks in 2 starts and CLEARLY THOSE WERE NEEDED (11.1IP, 5ER, 10Ks, 1QS, 1W, 3.97ERA).

MooniniteZ hitter of note:  Joey Votto did his part (13/26, 5Rs, 4 doubles, 1 triple, 1HR, 7RBIs, .536OBP).

MooniniteZ pitcher of note:  Let it be noted that Tom Koehler also did his part (13IP, 3ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 1W, 2.08ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  OGTFC v. Banana Slugs (I’ll bet Heroy is realllll fuckin’ proud of himself right about now and feelin’ like he can power his way to the 2nd seed or something and really I don’t care who loses this one), MooniniteZ v. Bad Drake Puns (Let’s mathematically eliminate this guy SHALL WE?  We shall hope to).

So that was WEEK 18 and it is behind us now and LET’S JUST MOVE ON.  2 weeks to go, plenty of playoff positioning left to position (well, some), personally I am now untethered by the pressure of maintaining a long win streak.  THIS WAS A GOOD THING.  Yep.

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this is how i wanted to approach this review but I (mostly) resiste the urge….
Week 18 Review – P(OH)etic Justice Edition

(OVERDUE) TRADE DEADLINE POSTMORTEM

Editor’s Note (APPARENTLY I FASHION MYSELF AN EDITOR NOW):  I, Sean McLaughlin, your front-runner for this year’s number one seed in the playoffs, did not write this article.  This article was CLEARLY written by Mike Lobman; you can tell because he really enjoys the word “postmortem” (dead bodies fetish?  who am I to decide).  But anyways somehow I can view any and all “drafts” that have been written for the site and have not yet been posted and I mean SHIT this looks pretty done to me, so fuck it get it up there.  Because I can never keep my opinions to myself I have added an “Editor’s Grade” below Mike’s grade.  And as with Odom’s uhhh THING that I threw up on here (literally vomited it onto here), all comments in italics are mine and everything else ain’t.  ON TO THE…..postmortem……..  

– Well, its been roughly an hour (Editor’s Note:  MANY HOURS HAVE PASSED SINCE) since our LEAST impressive and probably MOST damaging trade deadline of the league’s history happened, so it’s about godddddd damn time someone does a review of each team grade their trades for the deadline! Since I’m sitting around doing nothing in particular, that someone is ME. (Note: Key additions/losses are reflected in players currently on your team).

ONTO THE REVIEW:

Whitestone Bulldogs

Trades: 4

Key Additions: Vince Velazquez, Dansby Swanson, Carson Fulmer, BENJAMIN ZOBRIST

Key Losses: JA Happ

Remarks: Cliff has the worst record in the league, but somehow a lot of parts that one would deem “movable”, which he surprisingly did in a small way. The main idea for a team who’s in last place is to find a way to get better (maybe younger) for the future, and Cliff took those steps by acquiring Carson Fulmer, Dansby Swanson, Dan Vogelbach, and Vince Velazquez. All of this while dealing a few usable parts like Happ, Jeffress, and Zimmermann, which all in all was a pretty nice job. The Reyes for Ellsbury was kind of a joke, but its negligible anyways because Ellsbury ended up on the FA list shortly thereafter. Maybe he could’ve done a little better to capitalize on some desperate team’s need for pitching? Yea, but this wasn’t too bad.

Grade: B-

Editor’s Grade:  B.  In terms of what Cliff needed to do I would say he accomplished it, trading away an older starter like J.A. Happ at peak value for a few nice young pieces (and also a 35 year old 2B but yanno HAD TO TAKE ON THE CONTRACT, or something).  I am sure the next owner of Cliff’s team will appreciate some of the younger trade chips available to him.  lolz suck it Cliff YOU ARE OUTTA HERE.

Springfield Isotopes

Trades: 6

Key Additions: Adam Duvall, Freddie Freeman, Charlie Blackmon, Steve Piscotty, Craig Kimbrel (so I guess we are working in some trades that happened BEFORE the deadline as well.  This article lacks focus, Michael.)

Key Losses: Mike Napoli, Jon Lester, Chris Davis, Alex Colome, Carlos Beltran

Remarks: Ok, so on the surface, the +/- of the moves he made isn’t necessarily as bad as you’d think. The issue is: For a team that has a bunch of holes and an aging roster, WHY are you buying buying equally older players while not selling some of the more movable bigger names on your roster. Couple that with the PUZZLING (possibly colluding) deal of Lester/Napoli for Duvall, basically The ‘Topes didn’t do a thing to appease a fan base who’s ACHING for a rebuild. Big ups to T for pilfering Freddie Freeman from the Missiles for a broken closer.

Grade: C

Editor’s Grade:  C- (C+ if we are counting the Freddie Freeman deal).  Like the Lobman assessment below, this valuation is greatly affected by whether or not we are including THAT ABSOLUTE PILLAGING of Freddie Freeman.  The pillaging makes the trade work of the ‘Topes look much better, but to his credit he still manages to come out looking not great.  Two main reasons:  the failure to trade David Phelps before he became mostly useless and the UTTER FAILURE that was that Napoli/Lester trade.  Don’t even want to get into that one.  But at least he brought Charlie Blackmon home.  And if we go farther back Freeman was a GREAT pickup and Piscotty was also a pretty nice get for an SP-eligible closer.  

Pine Lake Punchouts

Trades: 2

Key Additions: Yasiel Puig

Key Losses: Odubel Herrera

Remarks: Not a whole lot to say here. R-Mac has been logjammed with an outfield crunch, and did a little to build for his future by dealing Herrera for Puig. Outside of that? Not a lot. One would’ve hoped that he could deal one of Upton/Braun/Ozuna for a little more roster flexibility, but that job wasn’t done at this deadline.

Grade: C-

Editor’s Grade:  D+.  I for one am NOT going to go quite as easy on this brother of mine.  I know this lack of action was probably due to him being barraged by AWFUL trade offers from every other member of the league, but I think with Benintendi on the horizon and the limitations imposed by the league’s roster construction made it sorta a NECESSITY to pick the OF he liked least and deal him for the package he liked best.  Perhaps frustrated by garbage offers, Ryan didn’t do that.  But he should have just accepted a garbage offer of mine.  I should have made one.

Bad Drake Puns

Trades: 0

Key Additions: None

Key Losses: None

Remarks: Maybe the Puns are currently in the mix for that last playoff spot, but to not make a move at all (adding or subtracting) shows a lack of care and attention to what his team needs in a either a playoff race or a selling for the future. It’s an uninteresting deadline from an uninteresting team.

Grade: F

Editor’s Grade:  F.  Yea who the hell knows with this guy.  Theoretically it is difficult to trade if you have to wait to have your tweeted questions about said trade answered by the CBS sports guys first, but Connor certainly could have made a move or two to put himself in better position to sneak into the playoffs.  Fuck ’em though.

River City Cuban Missiles

Trades: 10

Key Additions: Willson Contreras, David Dahl, Sonny Gray, Jameson Taillon, Roberto Osuna, Wade Davis

Key Losses: Kenta Maeda, Freddie Freeman, Zack Grienke, Edwin Diaz, Yasiel Puig

Remarks: The defending champs have had a very uneven season so far, yet find themselves on the cusp of a playoff berth, which really made the trade deadline especially difficult. One could argue that they got hammered by the INEXPLICABLE deal to send Freddie Freeman to the hated Isotopes for Trevor Rosenthal, who subsequently lost his job and was dropped shortly thereafter. The trades made were part building for the future, part building for a playoff run. It’s a risky strategy, but the Missiles have bought their fans at least a season of acceptance after a championship run last year.

Grade: C+

Editor’s Grade:  C+ (D- if we are counting the Freddie Freeman deal).  Lobman’s self-assessment really only works if we leave out the Freddie Freeman DEBACLE, which happened back in June.  That was possibly the worst trade this league will ever see.  But ANYWHO aside from that the Missiles had a pretty productive deadline, scoring potential young studs in Dahl, Contreras, and Taillon and scoring two real solid closers (although Wade Davis is so overdue for TJ surgery).  Sonny Gray is so fucking MEH at best that his name should be Sonny Meh.  But overall (NOT COUNTING FREEMAN DEAL) Mike had a nice deadline.  Docked him a bit for trading away the heart and soul of his team and decreasing his Cubans count.

Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club

Trades: 3

Key Additions: Aaron Sanchez, Kenta Maeda, Jeremy Jeffress

Key Losses: Roberto Osuna, Willson Contreras, Dansby Swanson

Remarks: For a team that is STILL searching for their first championship in the league, you would’ve thought that they might of sold out a little bit for some top end pitching help. I mean, they more than had the prospects to do so, which lends a lot of credence to the idea that Trouts owner Greg Heroy just loves his prospects a little too much. Either way, The FC acquired Maeda and Sanchez from the Missiles in 2 separate trades, which will definitely help down the stretch (assuming they don’t die like every other pitcher he has).

Grade: B-

Editor’s Grade:  B-.  Sometimes it’s the moves you don’t make.  Heroy did good on adding Sanchez and Maeda, and Jeffress has been productive even after being traded to the Rangers and converted from a closer to a holds guy, but the best move Heroy made may have been picking up Dylan Bundy off the waiver wire the week of the trade deadline and then managing to not trade him that week.  Because Dylan Bundy has arrived folks, and good on Heroy for grabbing him for free and resisting the urge to flip him.  How a person feels about the Dansby Swanson for Jeffress swap earlier in the season is basically a litmust test for how a person feels about prospects that are several seasons away.  I say who needs ’em.

Rojo’s Resurgence

Trades: 0

Key Additions:

Key Losses:

Remarks: Another team that’s still searching for championship #1, you’d think he would’ve used some of his top prospects to get anything to upgrade his team. Unfortunately for the Resurgence fans, he stands pat with the squad he has. The problem is the current roster is 1-4-1 since Week 11, and currently getting trounced by the Banana Slugs this week. This is not a positive recipe for success. SAD!

Grade: F

Editor’s Grade:  F.  Harsh but fair.  The Resurgence have been in a BIT of a freefall in the 2nd half of the season, one that threatens THEIR VERY TEAM NAME, and it’s hard not to make the case that they could stand to use an upgrade at a position or two.  Flipping Kyle Schwarber at the deadline may have been one way to accomplish that, but even if Rojo was dead set on keeping that fat and overrated bastard he still should have explored a move or two.  The fans needed to see action and they got ZILCH. 

Point Loma X-Rays

Trades: Many

Key Additions: Many  (very low energy of you, Mike:  uhhhh Chris Davis, Odubel Herrera, Mike Napoli, Jon Lester, Brad Hand, Adam Duvall at or around the deadline.)

Key Losses: Many  (uhhhh Charlie Blackmon, Craig Kimbrel, Anthony Desclafani, Wade Davis at or around the deadline.)

Remarks: Fashioning himself as the league’s preeminent wheeler-dealer, X-Rays owner Mike Odom did some major work this deadline to re-shape his roster to a more balanced offensive team. The Rays made a lot of moves, and its hard to know exactly what the shell game will end up looking like down the stretch, but we could all agree that they added a ton of power, and STOLE Lester/Napoli from the Isotopes with a classic deadline steal.  One way or another, The X-Rays did NOT stand pat, and made moves which might give them a better chance against the powerhouses in the playoffs.

Grade: B

Editor’s Grade:  B+.  Mitch Odom has been called a lot of things, but he has never been called “unadaptable”.  At least I don’t think so.  I mean it isn’t even a word.  Ever the active trade deadliner, Odom saw a roster built for speed and speed alone and took a few opportunities to diversify a bit and add some extra pop.  As Mike notes above the Lester/Napoli deal was absolute robbery, but the Chris Davis and stuff for Charlie Blackmon and stuff deal was quite balanced.  In the end Odom added a slew of power bats to a lineup that could stand to work a few in, and a more well-rounded approach just might serve him well come playoff time.  Also Brad Hand is a nice little SP-eligible reliever, can’t argue against that.

Barnegat Banana Slugs

Trades: 3

Key Additions: Rick Porcello, Edwin Diaz, Zack Grienke, Rich Hill

Key Losses: Adam Duvall, Sonny Gray, David Dahl, Jameson Taillon, Adrian Gonzalez

Remarks: After losing in the championship last season and acquiring the Runner-Up Curse ™, The Slugs had no real interest in staying in neutral this deadline. In 3 separate trades, Smitty got himself 3 very good starters and maybe one of the most coveted pieces in the league going right now in Edwin Diaz. He paid a large price for these pitchers, but you always need to deal value to get value.  Will it be enough to make up for the loss of Trevor Store due to injury? That’s the million dollar question.

Grade: B+

Editor’s Grade:  B+.  I hate when I agree with Lobman’s grade but YEA.  Brian’s Banana Slugs did nice work round the deadline, scoring Diaz aka the highly sought after SP-eligible reliever whom you just knew would turn into the Mariners closer at a moment’s notice.  And turn into the Mariner’s closer he did.  SAWKS pitcher Rick Porcello was a nice pickup as he is in the midst of a very strong season, and the other hurlers added could prove valuable come playoff time even though Greinke is in the midst of a somewhat BLAH season and Hill is in the midst of dealing with the blister of his fucking life.  The Slugs felt the need to shake up their pitching core they shook it, though not without parting with some young talent in Dahl and Taillon.  Ya gotta give a little to get a little folks. 

Main St MooninitezZ

Trades: 5

Key Additions: Justin Verlander, JA Happ, Ryan Schimpf, Matt Bush (CUT!), BRANDON FUCKING MOSS

Key Losses: Alex Colome, Vince Velazquez, Ben Zobrist, AJ Ramos

Remarks: The Mooninitez knew they needed to tighten up that pitching staff a bit with an eye toward the playoff push, and he sure as shit did so by picking up solid pitchers Verlander and Happ.  The idea of losing Velazquez is made palatable by picking these two up, and the Addition of Matt Bush as a rookie eligibile setup guy was a nice move.

Grade: B+

Editor’s Grade:  A-.  I am just a fan of this guy’s work, personally.  The Velasquez move, like a tough-to-swallow in hindsight drop of Michael Fulmer earlier in the season, are the clearest indications that THIS GUY is trying to win THIS YEAR and not trying to deal with pitchers getting shut down mid-playoffs run.  Justin Verlander and J.A. Happ fit the bill for that purpose, and at least one of them became somewhat necessary after the loss of Lance McCullers.  This guy just gets it.

(OVERDUE) TRADE DEADLINE POSTMORTEM

Week 17 Review—Totally Ignoring the Conversation Lobman Started Edition

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This orangutan also isn’t listening to Lobman’s shit right now

Week 17 passed, and during that week MUCH OCCURRED.  Such as the trade deadline.  That came and passed, and perhaps someone should write a review of sorts for that all by itself but DAMNED if that someone is going to be me.  LOOKING AT YOU LOBMAN.  Speaking of Lobman uhhh credit where credit is due, he penned/posted a lovely “conversation starter” about the future of the league and blah blah blah and there were some good points to be discussed in there for sure.  I seek not to discuss those point right now though.  Right now I seek to bury them further down the blog with another poorly written week in review.  ON TO THAT……. 

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Pictured: Carlos Gonzalez in his natural state.

Pine Lake Punchouts punch the River City Cuban Missiles the fuck out despite, whatever ridiculous kickboxing classes the Missiles may be taking part in –  10-3-1

MVP:  Carlos Gonzalez– CarGo had a good week but also OF COURSE he missed Sunday’s game and OF COURSE he is currently DTD.  It is only fitting that Ryan rosters the baseball version of Vince Carter.  8/20, 4Rs, 3 doubles, 2HRs, 8RBIs, .400OBP

LVP:  Xander Bogaerts– It is with great joy that I call out Xander Bogaerts because he seems to be slowing down late in the year here from all these ABs and also because fuck you Xander Bogaerts your name is stupid.  4/28, 1R, 1RBI, .167OBP

The River City Cuban Missiles continued their sad title defense in Week 17, with yet another loss that would surely concern their fans were they to have any.  The Punchouts of Pine Lake came in after a demoralizing loss to the last place Bulldogs and took out some frustrations, putting together a solid enough performance that easily dispatched the PATHETIC performance of the Missiles.  The Missiles week could be best summed up by Jordan Zimmerman:  acquired via trade by Mike for reasons still unclear, Jordan got 5 outs and gave up 6 runs before landing on the DL.  Mike at first dropped him before deciding it would look better for him to pick him up and put him back on his DL.  And that is basically the story, of the Cuban Missiles season.  Head-scratching trades and uninspired weekly performances.  On the bright side, I think we can all agree that (unlike Lobman) Ryan is a multi-time champion that is loved and respected by all and with this win you can at least start to envision a scenario where he rips off a few Ws and sneaks his way into those there playoffs.  But who cares either way, also who cares fuck Mike. #WCFM

Punchouts hitter of note:  Anthony Rendon was more fun when he was looking more like John Kruk but I am also glad to see he has recovered from his injuries somewhat, please note Mikey T still thinks he sucks because he saw Kenley Jansen get him out this one time (7/20, 5Rs, 3 doubles, 4RBIs, .462OBP).

Punchouts pitcher of note:  Chris Sale emotionally recovered from the jersey fiasco to throw a CG but I am instead noting JOE MUSGROVE who came on in relief and dominated after McCullers got hurt (SAD!) and then kept on dominating during his first career start (11.1IP, 1ER, 14Ks, 1QS, 0.79ERA).

Cuban Missiles hitter of note:  At least Manny Machado remains good (10/27, 5Rs, 2 doubles, 3HRs, 9RBIs, .370OBP).

Cuban Missiles pitcher of note:  At least Marcus Stroman is learning how to strike out people in larger volumes (12IP, 4ER, 17Ks, 1WS, 3.00ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  Punchouts v. Resurgence (Does Ryan commit to playing spoiler/attempting to sneak into the playoffs at the last moment?), Cuban Missiles v. Bulldogs (OH HOW LUCKY FOR YOU MIKE).

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Pictured: THAT TIME WILSON RAMOS GOT KIDNAPPED. I cannot respect a player that gets himself kidnapped. Aroldis Chapman would NEVER

Springfield Isotopes defeat the Whitestone Bulldogs, despite nobody giving a shit like at all –  9-2-3

MVP: Wilson Ramos – I’ll bet Mikey T is reallllll proud of himself with his slugging catcher.  Just realllllll proud.  Suck a dick buddy, ya should have traded him.  Next year I bet he bats .220, KINDA LIKE LAST YEAR.  10/19, 6Rs, 1 double, 3HRs, 8RBIs, .524 OBP

LVP:  Danny Salazar or Cliff – Danny Salazar got his shit ruined by Max Kepler and then promptly went on the DL to save face.  Cliff is Cliff.  but ACTUALLY Cliff went out and actually added more relief pitchers….thank fucking god.  So I guess it is Danny Salazar.  2IP, 6ER, 3Ks, 27.00ERA

So Mikey T beat Cliff.  What more can be said really?  Most people beat Cliff (sorry Ryan 😦  ).  I think I’ve already covered the most notable aspect of this matchup which was that CLIFF HAD MORE THAN TWO RELIEVERS GOING.  Which is to be celebrated.  Also Prince Fielder is retiring, but we all owe him a debt of gratitude to setting the Tone for the ‘Topes Terrible TwentySixteen Tour.  Goodnight, sweet Prince.

Isotopes hitter of note:  3 more HRs for the evidently UNTRADEABLE Mike Napoli (6/15, 5Rs, 3HRs, 5RBIs, 1SB, .500OBP).

Isotopes pitcher of note:  DALLAS KEUCHEL, remember when Dallas Keuchel was the bee’s knees?  (9IP, 0ER, 7Ks, 1QS, 1W, 1CG).

Bulldogs hitter of note:  Miguel Sano was finally mildly productive because he didn’t get the memo that Cliff doesn’t care about his production or him as a person or ANYTHING perhaps he’s a nihilist (8/23, 5Rs, 2 doubles, 3HRs, 7RBIs, .464OBP).

Bulldogs pitcher of note:  Don’t ever change, Madison Bumgarner… well maybe change fantasy teams because you deserve better, but also keep yelling at hitters and demanding to bat in AL parks and shit (13IP, 5ER, 11Ks, 1QS, 1CG, 3.46ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  Isotopes v. Bad Drake Puns (Not alotta likable teams in this one), Bulldogs v. Cuban Missiles (By the way someone check Cliff’s roster for a fucked up minors system…..usually by now he has a fucked up minors system).

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Kickin’ all that ass and they STILL make you move over for Orlando Arcia smdh

Bad Drake Puns hand Bad Loss to OceanGate Trout Fishing Club – 10-4-0

MVP: Jonathan Villar – This fuckin’ guy.  It really stinks that Connor ended up with this fuckin’ guy.  It’s like the rest of the league has been ignoring all year that this fuckin’ guy is the best base stealer to own in fantasy this year.  And Connor has him.  SAD!  11/23, 7Rs, 4 doubles, 1HR, 3RBIs, 5SBs, .613OBP

LVP:  James Shields – Jesus fucking christ, James.  6.1IP, 14ER, 2Ks, 19.89OBP (big T-Swift fan AMIRITE?!)

LEAVE IT TO THE LESSWITHMORES TROUT FISHING CLUB OR WHATEVER.  They could have easily eeeeeasssilly pushed Connor further away from the playoffs.  A “nail in the coffin” I guess is a bit premature given how fucking mediocre you people at the bottom have been (*crowd boos* as I walk around the ring and soak it all in).  But yea, Heroy’s squad came out and got absolutely walloped by Connor’s squad and now the whole league is worse for it.  As usual when Connor wins it is about blame, and plenty o’ blame to go around for the Fishing Club.  Bregman’s big debut has been MEH (cuz prospects AMIRITE?!) and Seager rocked a .192 OBP and I don’t even know if Heroy plays Cutch anymore.  But really this is mostly James Shields’ fault.  Take heed people.  Take.  Heed.

BDP hitter of note: I drafted Carlos Santana very late knowing he was going to be a beast this year and because life is cruel he is now a beast for Connor’s dumb team (8/29, 3Rs, 2HRs, 5RBIs, .344 OBP).

BDP pitcher of note:  Jacob DeGrom, yep him (13.2IP, 1ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 1W, 0.66ERA).

OGTFC hitter of note:  Way to blowww, Ian Desmond… wayyyy tooooo blowwww (4/27, 2Rs, 3RBIs, .179OBP).

OGTFC pitcher of note:  All the Dylan Bundy gems in the world couldn’t save this team’s ERA, but nice week from Dylan Bundy WHO HAS FUCKING ARRIVED (13IP, 2ER, 16Ks, 2Qs, 2Ws, 1.38ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  BDP v. ‘Topes (like ZERO likable teams [owners?] in this one), OGTFC v. MooniniteZ (TAKE YOUR SHOT AT STOPPIN’ THE STREAK YOUNG [middle aged?] FELLA).

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I don’t know whom in the fuck he is either, man……

Barnegat Banana Slugs continue Rojo’s Desurgence with narrow victory – 6-5-3

MVP:  Jorge Polanco – Perhaps Brian had one or two hitters whom had better weeks, but it was only like 1 or 2.  NOT IMPRESSIVE WEEKS GUYS.  But this little minor league eligible sonofabitch’s two triples basically won the week.  Basically.  7/20, 4Rs, 2 triples, 5RBIs, 1SB, .381OBP

LVP:  Melky Cabrera – Nelly Cruz wasn’t great for Rojo either but I wouldn’t DARE give Nelly an LVP.  I love Nelly.  And he soundly surpassed Melky in OBP .200 to .154.  But here’s Melky’s shitty numbers.  4/26, 1R, 1 double, 2RBIs, .154OBP

RESURGENCE CONTINUES DESURGENCE.  That would be the headline if the newspaper from whatever town Rojo’s Resurgence hails from didn’t give a shit about grammar.  And you just KNOW they don’t.  And that angers Brian and that’s why Brian won.  ANYWAYS, this matchup was crazy close and both teams traded CGs which is always annoying as a fantasy owner.  And HEY Rojo lost saves.  And HEY he barely won holds.  But he won them.  But he lost the matchup.  This one can be summed up by Jorge Polanco dropping 2 triples to the Resurgence’s 1, and then the ties in stolen bases and QS and CG.  Usually you expect a tie in only one of those categories (CG).  #analysis

Banana Slugs hitter of note:  Jake Lamb had the best week for the Banana Slugs in a week where a lot of his hitters sucked, which makes it easier to figure out (9/26, 4Rs, 3HRs, 6RBIs, .393OBP).

Banana Slugs pitcher of note:  Rick Porcello‘s CG was a CG loss it turns out, which feels cruel to Rojo in some way (8IP, 3ER 8Ks, 1QS, 1CG).

Resurgence hitter of note:  Victor Martinez was really the only guy who tried to preserve the Resurgence OBP, and that effort was in vain (6/17, 4Rs, 2 doubles, 2HRs, 4RBIs, .450OBP).

Resurgence pitcher of note:  Steven Wright‘s CG was a CG win, NO FAIR…. but also totally fair (9IP, 0ER, 9Ks, 1QS, 1W, 1CG).

Next Week aka This Week:  Banana Slugs v. X-Rayz (when everyone gets the chance please reach out and offer your condolences to Brian about Trevor Story), Resurgence v. Punchouts (GET IT TOGETHER ROJO).

THE AMTRAK RUNAWAY FUCKING TRAIN OF A FANTASY BASEBALL TEAM….’s VICTORY OF THE WEEK

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can’t stop won’t stop
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“Protection from what, zee Germans?”

Main Street MooniniteZ Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin (Chocolate starfish) (Yeah)
Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin (What?)
Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin (Gonna keep on rollin baby) (Come on)
Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin, defeat Point Loma X-Rayz  – 9-4-1

MVP:  FRED DURST-  Such VIVID lyrics and imagery.  You can TRULY picture them keeping on rolling and such.  Also Max Kepler.  10/27, 9Rs, 4HRs, 11RBIs, 2SBs, .471OBP

LVP:  David Price – David Price CONTINUES to disappoint the Red Sox in Carl Crawfordian fashion, which I can respect.  He also disappointed Odom with only 8Ks and no QS or Ws across two starts in Week 17, which I cannot respect.  12IP, 7ER, 8Ks, 5.25ERA

It is with no joy that I report that I had to defeat Mike Odom last week, but he was standing on the tracks when the train was coming through NOTHING COULD BE DONE.  And truthfully this matchup was prettttty close through the very end, at one point on Sunday he was about 2 doubles away from a 7-6-1 lead.  But a strong Sunday from Arenado (1 double 2HRs 5RBIs) and a weak Sunday night from David Price (5IP 6Rs[only 3ER]) allowed the MooniniteZ to keep on rollin baby.  Let the record also show that Travis Jankowski did his best to grab the MoonZ a rare win over the X-Rayz in the steals cat and Billy Hamilton was NOT fucking having it (Billy swiped 4 bags on Sunday).  Let the record also show that Odom’s week was stronger than all of your weeks.  Just not stronger than mine.  NO SHAME IN THAT THESE DAYZ.

MooniniteZ hitter of note:  As mentioned above, Travis Jankowski had himself a week out there on them basepaths (12/23, 11Rs, 2 doubles, 1RBI, 6SBs, fucking .593OBP).

MooniniteZ pitcher of note:  DANNY DUFFY, folks…. believe in Danny Duffy (14.2IP, 2ER, 22Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, 1.23ERA).

X-Rayz hitter of note:  As mentioned above, Billy Hamilton also had himself a week out there on them basepaths (6/20, 4Rs, 1 double, 7SBs, .391OBP).

X-Rayz pitcher of note:  Tanner Roark did a better job than David Price did (13.1IP, 3ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, 2.03ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. Trout Fishing Club (the MooniniteZ seek revenge on the team that had the audacity to tie them and delay their win streak by a week), X-Rayz v. Banana Slugs (Odom seeks second place).

WEEK 18, no trades left to salvage your rosters.  But yanno plenty of waiver wire bullshit.  And plenty of playoff seeding left to sort through.  Once again, though, fuck if I care I CANNOT LOSE.  Dibs on 1st seed.

FRED DURST TAKE US OUT….

Week 17 Review—Totally Ignoring the Conversation Lobman Started Edition