A Special Disclaimer: This review is only meant to be funny. I’m just trying to keep these posts fresh and funny (not always funny). I am only kidding with you and your team. If you are offended by my jokes, don’t be. Also, I feel sorry for you if you are offended by my jokes. PROCEED TO THE REVIEW

– Well, that certainly was an interesting week for everyone in the league. I’m sure everyone had a fun time tracking their team’s stats over the course of the week, and some may of even gotten some of the enjoyment out of the final scores of their respective match-ups. Not me, however. In addition to my shitty weekend, the Missiles usually potent offense has this owner annoyed and somewhat concerned (Not really, its April). For the context of this review, I’ve decided to take a viscerally unhappy approach and be negative toward everyone and everything. NO HAPPY THOUGHTS HERE ON THIS VERY SPECIAL WEEK 3 REVIEW:

Rojo’s Resurgence BEATS Springfield Isotopes – 8-4-2

MVP: Colby Rasmus – “Colby Jack” may be the ugliest bastard in the bigs, but he put a hurting on the Topes with 4 homers and 10 RBI this week.

LVP: Miguel Cabrera – Where have you gone, real Miggy? A double and and 2 RBI will make people start to break out the Miggy/Morales comparison chart any day now.

The first stop on our tour of sadness brings us to Springfield, as nobody could possibly be more unhappy about their team after this week’s matchup (well, outside of Cliff) than Isotopes owner Mikey “Commish” T. Really, the matchup was very close, despite the final score line; however we are now looking at an 0-2-1 record for the Topes. T made a lot of really strong proclamations this spring about Rojo and his Resurgence, which most likely makes this victory undoubtedly sweet for Mr. Johnson. I will throw a shout out to Mikey T’s pitching staff, which had been pretty Jekyll and Hyde so far this season, but showed some Jekyll-ness with a really solid 9 QS week and a 2.63 ERA. I mean, it didn’t help him in the end, but strong showing, guy.

Next Week: The Isotopes will attempt to get win #1 against he surging power of the Banana Slugs, who are off to a really strong start, so that won’t happen, while Rojo’s Resurgence will continue (or not, who knows) against the undefeated DEE-EX.

Barnegat Banana Slugs BEATS Main St Mooninitez – 7-4-3

MVP: Jake Arrieta – Fuck. I mean, it wasn’t Velazquez’s crazy 16 k CG, but a no-hitter is pretty strong in its own right, which earns him an MVP of the week in this one.

LVP: Joey Votto – This Canadian asshole exemplifies everything wrong with Canada. Hilarious swing-tinkering comments are only good if you produce. You suck.

In a matchup where sadness and self loathing pumps through the speakers of their radios and phones and such, the Banana Slugs take down Mooninitez in what really could be considered a MASTER CLASS in over managing a roster day to day. It was borderline impressive how Mooninitez boss Sean McLaughlin was able to leave some big time power numbers on the bench this weekend, while getting no help from his arms in an overall bad performance. The Slugs are doing an incredible job of angering the Runner Up Curse ™ gods here, led by that damn Jake Arrieta (pictured above), who Brian likes to post all sorts of unfunny memes about throughout that chat. For the average owner who swears off the chat when the Slugs do anything productive, WELL THURSDAY NIGHT WAS THE NIGHT FOR YOU, as said pitcher Arrieta sat down the hapless Reds in a tidy 120 pitch performance. Hopefully that leads to some shoulder injury or something, but I DIGRESS. Fuck these 2 owners tho, anyways.

Next Week: The Slugs look to pile on the misery as they take on the Springfield Isotopes, while the Mooninitez look to make better roster decisions this week as they battle with brother McLaughlin and The People’s Champs.

Club Going Up On Altus BEATS Pine Lake People’s Champs – 7-4-3

MVP: Tanner Roark – Dude spun a 7 inning, 15 K performance against the Twins, and hopefully didn’t win a place in R-Mac’s heart because he’s usually AWFUL.

LVP: Anthony Rendon – On the Nats kick, Rendon put together a pretty bad set of AB’s this week, producing next to nothing. Also, Ken Giles is still rostered and he’s awful.

Well, one of the worst teams from last season has taken yet another step toward respectability, this time taking down the People’s Champs in a fairly close battle. This is the 2^nd consecutive win for Connor against a playoff team from last season, which begs the question: What the hell is going on with this fucking devil voodoo magic league? First, Brian is trying to break the curse, now Connor and his trash ass team name are winning against playoff teams? I hate this league sometimes. I really have nothing else to say about this matchup because I’m depressed now, so I’ll just say Drew Smyly had 2 ridiculous starts this week, garnering 17 k and a .60 ERA. This is how fucked we all are. RIP this league…

Next Week: CGUOA will do a little battle with the other voiceless team in our league, the Bulldogs, and we will find out which brother is best (OR WORST) as the People’s Champs take on the Mooninitez.

OG Trout Fishing Club BEATS Whitestone Bulldogs – 7-5-2

MVP: Anthony Rizzo – OH LOOK at who just hit 5 homers this week. Cool, Cool Riz.

LVP: Cliff – You get LVP for picking up Yovani Gallardo. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN SPOT START THIS GUY? Oh, Cliff is the only one so far this year. LVP

The battle of the 0-2’s treated us to basically a home run derby, as both teams tried AND FAILED to break the home run record while amassing a combined 42 homers this week. Meanwhile, Heroy won a game. Good on him. I didn’t pay attention at all to this one this week, but I think I read that it was very close up until the end, with a VERY LUCKY Trevor Bauer relief win being the difference in this one. I mean, seriously, Trevor Bauer was the difference. This is the saddest week in the league’s history. For the Bulldogs, his cavalcade of present and former Mets just beat the shit out of the baseball all week, because Heroy’s Trout Club remembered that they actually have a good roster too. The stats show a very close win for the Trouts, and really both teams were ridiculous enough offensively to PROBABLY win against any of the other teams this week (Disclaimer: I did NO research to back that up and don’t care if true or not).

Next Week: Good to see the Trout Fishing Club find their offensive form JUST IN TIME to battle the hapless and depressing Cuban Missiles, while The Bulldogs will play the Club Going Up On Altuve in the Anonymous Derby! Get your popcorn ready (yawn).

The Preparation H Anal Suppositories Game of the Week!:

River City Cuban Missiles TIES Dee-Generation X – 6-6-2

MVP: Bryce Harper – Because he’s our MVP every week, forever and ever. Also, anyone who didn’t follow this abortion of a matchup is his or her own individual MVP.

LVP: Pitching – What’s way to back up the FABLED 12/12 week? Oh, anyone named Sanchez shitting themselves on the mound for your team. That, and the only viable starters that the DX roster were absolutely terrible. Really, good times by all ball throwers this week.

The battle of unbeaten was really as roster move filled as everyone would’ve predicted (If you like predicting things), and came down to the final few at bats in the Sunday Night game in an incredibly narrow 6-6 draw. This Sunday night scramble has become routine for the Missiles, as their offense failed to show up yet again. This is becoming very concerning for the defending champions, as they made a few trades in the offseason which are NOT currently working out in their favor at the present moment. Whispers of “Its April” are spreading around the boardroom, but Tyrant owner Mike Lobman is panicked. There, I said it. I’m fucking annoyed and panicked. Freeman, Abreu, Stanton, Tulo, Adam Jones, Hanley, Tyler White, and the lack of a cohesive catcher are really grinding my gears here. Yes, things will undoubtedly brighten up, but in the mean time, its fucking panic city over at the River City. That being said, The DX did a great job of being just as mediocre as the Missiles this week, highlighted by that 5.835 ERA. There’s really not a lot to say on either end, as both teams ended up not losing, which I guess is fine. But it’s not. I don’t want to make this all about the Missiles, so I’ll highlight the fact that the DX did what they do this week, compiling 13 steals and a handful of triples and such. The battle really did come down to the last few at bats, which had Tyler While on 2^nd base with a chance to win with a score. Of course, he didn’t, so lets just end it there because fuck everything.

Next Week: The Missiles get to get their heads bashed in by everyone’s favorite future liver transplant patient Greg Heroy and the Trout Fishing Club, while Odom will take his shell game of a roster over to face the Resurgence.

– Lobman

HEY here’s a little something I feel could be added to spice this bad boy up:

– Week 2 featured a bit of history, as well as a bit of an ass whoopin’.  When the smoke settled and the dust cleared, only two teams remained undefeated with a third team pathetically clinging to a stupid looking 1-0-1 record and even stupider delusions of back to back championships.  Yes, those looking to the top of the Backyard Mountain shall once again see former 3Peaters turned friendly foes Sean McLaughlin and Michael “Half Black Mamba” Odom.  Perhaps this will give Ryan and Greg nightmares of championships that slipped through their grasp, perhaps this will make Peter Mitchell re-quit the league.  Perhaps nobody cares about their feelings anyways.  On to the Week 2 review (with games in no particular order, mostly cuz I want to take the half-assed approach and steal the format of the Week 1 Review):

Main St MooniniteZ Beat THE EVER LOVING SHIT out of T’s Topes – 12-2-0

MVP: Vinny Velasquez – Sure Arenado had 4 HRs, but recognition needs to be given to Vinny V’s performance.  A 3 hit 0 walk SIXTEEN STRIKEOUT CG pretttty much signaled the end of the matchup on a Thursday afternoon.  This league shall not see a better start this year, folks.

LVP: Prince Fielder– .148 OBP, 4 measly RBIs, zero runs or extra base hits.

In a matchup of “insufferable human beings” (Lobman’s words not mine, I think Mikey T is delightful), one of those human beings did a far better job managing their roster.  Once again the MooniniteZ pretty much wrapped things up prior to the weekend, allowing their owner to binge drink peacefully.  Will Sean be binge drinking champagne when the season is all said and done?  Probably.  Does that necessarily even mean I am predicting a championship?  No not really I just enjoy the occasional bottle of champagne.  Anyways uhhh yea, a pretty thorough takedown of the ‘Topes that culminated in the Thursday dominance of Velasquez combining with a 13K CG from Jaime Garcia, two nails in Mikey T’s alarmingly light coffin.    The ‘Topes didn’t really impress in any categories, 8 quality starts is nothing to sneeze at but a team-wide OBP of .2813 is not going to get it done most weeks.  For those interested in hot takes about the Joey Votto for Lorenzo Cain (and a pick T probably wasted) trade, their weeks were as follows.  Votto 2 runs 1 double 1 HR 4 RBIs .360 OBP.  Cain 4 runs 1 HR 5 RBIs .300 OBP.  Unimpressive on all fronts there.

Next week: The MooniniteZ  host the Banana Slugs in a battle of two gentlemen who are comfortable enough in their masculinity to admit they enjoy the hauntingly beautiful ballads of Elliott Smith (RIP).  Sean will look to gently nudge Brian towards the inescapable curse (Runner Up Curse ™) that awaits his team this season, while also trying not to say anything to hurt his feelings.  ‘Cuz that guy is a pussy.  The ‘Topes will be taking on Rojo’s Resurgence and looking to win a goddamn game for once, because winners don’t tie.  Surely this matchup will test the strength of Rojo and Mikey T’s friendship, if Rojo ever checks the group chat.  As a big fan of the Rojey T relationship, I for one hope he does not.

TL;DR version below:

Dee-X Dee-Feat the Whitestone Bulldogs – 8-4-2

MVP: Randal Grichuk – Of course this happened.  Lobman drops Grichuk because Grichuk looks like he is swinging his bat at imaginary insects, Odom picks him up, and he promptly puts together this line in Week 2:  7 runs, 1 double, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .455 OBP.

LVP: Cliff’s supposed life obligations.

In a matchup that played out more or less the way you would expect it to, Cliff’s Metdogs were no match for the many moves of my main man MO.  Odom didn’t have to break too much of a sweat this week, solid production from his team across the board and perhaps the most interesting thing of note is that his beloved speedsters lost steals 6 to 5.  But they won 8 other categories and lost 3 other ones and tied in two, and there you have it.  In addition to Grichuk’s week to behold some guy named Jeremy Hazelbaker continues to also play for the Cardinals/DeeX and hit the baseball all over the fucking place.  2 doubles 1 triple 1 HR, .444 OBP.  Also Billy Hamilton hit an honest-to-god over the fence type HR last week, and had a .357 OBP and no steals.  I do not know this man.  For Clifford,  Cespedes had himself a pretty solid week as did ex-Met Daniel Murphy.  And Syndergaard is a beast, but yanno live by the Mets die by the Mets.  Cliff left a utility spot open on Sunday.  WHAT MORE CAN BE SAID REALLY.

Next week:  DeeX gets to take their shot at handing Mike’s Missiles their first L, assuming we don’t consider a tie to the Isotopes to be an L and that’s certainly up for debate.  Mike’s illegal immigrant Missiles will be attempting to do the same to Odom’s squad, a squad that NOBODY BELIEVED IN EXCEPT ME AND ODOM.  jk I didn’t particularly believe in them either.  Can’t teach fantasy hustle though, kids.  The winless Bulldogs will host the winless OG fisherman people in a matchup that deserves to be ignored.  They’re lucky they even got that last sentence out of me.

That Team with That Name That Mikey T Made Them Adopt Defeats the Barnegat Banana Slugs – 8-5-1

MVP: Jose Altuve – This tiny little nightmare scored 8 runs, hit 3 doubles and 3 HRs, drove in 7, and stole 2 bases while putting up a tidy .484 OBP.  Story to follow (hehe).

LVP: Trevor Story – He hit zero HRs last week.  Time to move along, Brian.

The Story here just may be the beginning of the Runner Up Curse ™ when this season’s Story is finally told, as Brian’s Slugs lost to Connor’s Shitty Drake Puns despite a pretty strong week overall.  Last year it took Connor’s baseball menz like 10 weeks to finally get a win, this year they snare their first W in Week 2 against Brian.  Coincidental?  Runner Up Curse ™?  Whom is to say, but it is probably the second one.  For Connor’s Awful Guy From DeGrassi Puns, Altuve paced an offense that hit 19 HRs and generally just did not fuck around.  Mark fucking Trumbo hit 5 HRs last week, apparently.  Nobody even wanted to draft him.  One might say he started from the bottom and now he’s here if one were a fucking asshole.  Connor’s pitching was also a Story heading into Sunday, as all of the buzz about the 12 for 12 quality start record centered around his team from what I could tell from a brief perusing of the group chat.  But lo, a different Story would be told when the week was all said and done.  That’s called foreshadowing fuckers, read a book some time.  I may have been a bit unfair when assigning LVP to Trevor Story, the guy had 2 triples and a double last week.  Those triples would have been HRs if not for that goddamned wall they threw up out there in Coors, but triples are kinda more valuable in this league anyways so don’t let Brian get away with complaining about this.  Josh Donaldson did a wee bit of everything in this matchup, and the Slugs staff racked up a solid 7 wins and a damned solid 88 Ks but it ’twas not enough.  Connor ended up with 10 quality starts and 89 Ks and it was just that kinda week for my brotha down in Barnegat.

Next week: The Banana Slugs head to Main Street to take on the MooniniteZ and WE AREN’T BROTHAS ANYMORE.  For one week’s time.  No matter what happens, there will be an obligatory comparsion of Donaldson’s week to Arenado’s week and this will continue until 2020 per the terms of the 2015 trade agreement.  Connor’s island of misfit toys will hope to keep their momentum going when they host Ryan’s People’s Champs, who will also hope to keep their momentum going.  MOMENTOUS!

The People’s Champs KO paper champion contender Greg Heroy and his fishing club of sadness – 9-4-1

MVP: Chris Sale – A 9K 0ER CG in a league where CGs can be straight deadly.  Pitching wins championships don’t believe Lobman’s lies.

LVP: Ian Desmond – Ian Desmond is doing absolutely nothing, but Heroy just can’t quit him.  Perhaps because he took him in the “second round” of the “last draft”.

Coming off a narrow defeat at the ever add/dropping hands of Mike Odom in Week 1, Ryan’s Champs came out angry in Week 2.  Every pitch Chris Sale throws looks kind of angry, and he threw 27 outs worth of ’em.  The rest of Ryan’s pitching staff was actually kinda shitty, which further proves the point that CGs can be a real dagger to the heart of their opponents.  Ryan’s offense was solid if unspectacular, with Cargo continuing to lull Ryan into a false sense of security with a 2 double 1 triple 1 HR .407 OBP week.  Light bulbs always shine brightest just before they burn out, indefinitely with a sore knee.  As usual this matchup was more about Heroy and his impressive ability to waste talent.  the Less with Mores continues to be a better team name than anything else he can possibly come up with, as last week his team of stars put up a paltry .2831 OBP to go along with a feeble 9 HRs and 31 RBIs.  It’s entirely possible he’s already lost the respect of the team and this is just that lack of respect manifesting itself.  Buster Posey had a .118 OBP and scored 1 run, and that’s literally all he did.  One run.  The pitching staff looked to run into a bit of bad luck as only 1 of Heroy’s 7 quality starts resulted in a W, but hey that’s life.  Be more tolerant of people from different ways of life and perhaps the fantasy gods will take less pleasure in denying you championships.  But yea Heroy isn’t going to win the championship this year, is my point.  He’s a reall nice guy though (and they finish last).

Next week: Ryan’s PCs play visitor (not that it matters) in a matchup with Connor, who will be seeking his first winning record of the past 2 years.  It’s entirely possible/likely that Connor will be unsuccessful in that endeavor but HEY maybe he won’t lose.  Ryan still has Javier Baez clogging up his roster like some sort of bowel cancer, after all.  Heroy takes on an absentee landlord.  Somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barks.  That dog doesn’t care about this matchup either.

THE TACO BELL BATTLE OF THE WEEK – Cuban Missiles BEST Rojo’s Resurgence – 9-4-1        Taco Bell….Live Mas

MVP: Bryce Harper – 4HRs, 12 RBIs, 6 runs, a double, 2 steals, .400 OBP.  He probably pimped that double, too.  Honorable mention:  All 9 of the Cuban Missiles starters.

LVP: Rojo’s Merry Band of Holds Men.  Honorable mention:  Figs

The Resurgence was certainly looking to make a statement with a win over last years’s champeens, and they lost and so they didn’t and now NONE OF THAT EVEN MATTERS because Mike went 12 for 12 in quality starts outta nowhere.  How very disheartening for us all.  The Missiles went a perfect 4 for 4 on Sunday, including thrilling dueling quality starts in the 8 o’clock game.  Samardzija tried his damnest to give up a 4th run but in the end it was FATE and Mike has a record that literally cannot be broken.  For records that *probably* cannot be broken see:  all-time RBIs, all-time ERA, sadly maybe all-time OBP.  But let’s not take focus from the dominant pitching week from the Missiles, all credit due to them and congratulations to Mike for wiping Figs from both the record books and all of our lives.  On the offensive side of things, Bryce Harper lead an offense that wasn’t all that great but didn’t really need to be.  Narrow victories in doubles and RBIs, along with a 48-35 edge over Rojo in runs, were more than enough in helping the Cuban Missiles secure their first victory in their quest to defend their 2015 title.  OH YEA, for good measure Lobman even missed the holds record by one and finished with 7.  And THAT may be what stings for Rojo most of all, as the Resurgence does not roster a single goddamned closer and so to only pull off 2 holds in a week and then have the Missiles drop a 7 spot on ’em…..ouch.  Punting saves effectively means you really can’t afford to lose holds without putting yourself in quite a hole, coupling that with Mike’s dominant starting pitching made for one too many hurdles for the Resurgence of Rojo to overcome.  In any other week Rojo’s 79Ks and an ERA under 3 might have been enough…..against River City they were not.  Rojo’s offense was neither great nor terrible, and Ian Kinsler had 3 HRs, and surely that gave Rojo a semi.

Next week: The Missiles take on DeeX in my early favorite for GAME O’ THE WEEK, since apparently we do that retroactively now.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and such.  Rojo’s Resurgence hosts the Springfield Isotopes in a battle to keep our bumbling commissioner win-less for as long as possible.  #KeepTWin-less2016.

But basically: