The Re-tooling of the Minor Leagues

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I don’t know about you guys, but I feel there’s something really satisfying about a pitcher you have in your minor league system coming up and tossing a gem. Whether it be a speculative add after reading a Fangraphs article on upcoming promoted prospects or maybe just a guy you’ve followed from your favorite teams, the minor leagues are what makes our League much more interesting, and in my opinion separates itself from other fantasy baseball leagues (cue the T “THERE ARE NO OTHER LEAGUES”). In this instance, I agree.

Our system is easy (Note: Not always easy). A minor league bat could be a player at any position who accrues less than 130 (up from 100) at bats in his career. This falls in line now with the MLB’s designation for a rookie positional player in the voting for Rookie of the Year. Similarly,. the pitcher (reliever or starter) which accrues less than 50 IP  will be considered a minor league arm. It’s a simple and easily follow-able system which has I think enhanced the leagues interest and complexity.

Now, I wouldn’t for a second say that what we have is a perfect system. We all have found ways to use the minors for a competitive advantage, with a minors eligible starter eligible holds guy reliever being the Holy motherfucking Grail of players. Its all sorts of weird, but its great. There are, however, some ways to make this whole Minors system even better, which I’ll illustrate in some long-winded explanations below:

The Proposal:

I propose that we evolve yet again in our quest to perfect the minors system by implementing a LOW minors in addition to what we have now (HIGH minors). The Low minors designation would create a spot for prospects who have ZERO IP/AB in the Major Leagues. We’ve created our Dynasty League, and I feel that this is essential to continuing the evolution of our League in general. Now, there are many ways this can be accomplished, which I’ll do my best to explain in some quick detail. PLEASE NOTE: This is not a completed, agreed upon, final decision of any kind. There will be a change in the Minor League system at some point in the near future, but there are no certainties yet as to just what we plan on doing.

Current Structure:

High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP

This is what we have currently. It speaks for itself. Here are some ideas for expanding the system:

Proposal 1: Doubling the System

High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances

This structure doubles the amount of minor leaguer’s we have in our system, which I feel is probably excessive for what most of the league is into. I’m just trying to give a little more depth into what we could have, and actually I feel that there is more than enough minor league talent in the free agent list to accommodate this structure. The issue here would be interest, which I wholeheartedly understand.

Proposal 2: Bare Bones

High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances

This one is basically a combination of the two systems, which doesn’t add ANY additional places for prospects, but implements the Low Minors spots in place of a few usable High Minors eligible players. This would be a pretty good system for some of the people who don’t make a crazy amount of moves, yet want to get the whole “I cultivate prospects” experience. To me, it doesn’t solve my whole “we need more spots for good prospects” issue, but there’s some merit to the idea of limiting the usable prospects.

Proposal 3: Happy Mediums?

LOW MINORS WEIGHTED
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances

or

HIGH MINORS WEIGHTED
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
High Minors 130 AB / 50 IP
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances
Low Minors NO Appearances

One of these systems might be our very best happy medium, as it combines the Low and High minor leagues, while only adding 2 additional roster spots to the league. Now, its up to the group as to how they’d like to work this whole thing, but a combination of the two levels would look something like this.

There are some potential issues that could arise from this new system idea. I’m not going to pretend for a second that this won’t confuse and annoy some of the already confused and annoyed with our current structure. It’s very hard to police this minors thing, and until ESPN decides to put a minor league designation in their league database (Don’t gimme that bullshit that its never done, ESPN, because Yahoo and CBS both have it!), we have to do some policing on our own. Once we decide on a structure that is right for the league, we could determine a few things:

  • Why do we need this?
  • How we add the players?
  • Who picks first?
  • How will it all be tracked?
  • How many times will Cliff break the rules?
  • What are the penalties?
  • How many will be kept?
  • How many questions/complaints will Brian have?

So basically think about what you’d be most into here. As Minor League Coordinator and Media director, I’m going to strongly push to make this additional prospect thing happen by the ALL STAR BREAK 2016. You’ll all thank me for it in a few years, when SUPER-PROSPECT FUCKFACE GONZALEZ throws a 3 hit shutout off your High Minors spot in the Championship Week to lock up a title for you. That probably won’t happen, but you can dream!

-Lobman

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The Re-tooling of the Minor Leagues

A (Theoretical) Call for Divisions

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There has been much conversation over the years about abandoning our single bracket standing system, which has been voted on (over and over again) in off-season referendum. I’m not 100% why we care so much, but the issue of divisions was recently brought up on our festering cesspool of a chat not too long ago, so I decided I would analyze some interesting ways we could split the teams up if we actually decided to create these divisions for the 2017 season.

Lets just get a little historical perspective for those of us who forgot what the long long ago past was (2013):

LAST DIVISIONS
AMERICAN NATIONAL
TEAM TEAM
Toms River 3peat OffendaZ Angel in the TROUTfield
Scarlet Knights River City Mashers
Barnegat Banana Slugs WVU Bombers
Pine Lake Black Mambas Whitestone Bulldogs
Orlando Stunnaz Somerville Sluggers

Look at some of those teams… The good old days when we had MULTIPLE Tutoras, a suspected serial killer, Bombers and Mambas, an ACTUAL ANGEL in the TROUTFIELD, and a 3 time champ that just HAD to end their name with a Z. These placements in the divisions were from the original construction of the league (I believe), and had really no significance of any kind.

Here’s a few ideas I came up with while just sitting around, daydreaming of League Divisional construction. Yes, I actually gave this thought:

cl_vk9hZ
TR PRIDE MOTHERFUCKA
LOCATION BASED
TOMS RIVER   THE WORLD
TEAM   TEAM
River City Cuban Missiles Springfield Isotopes
Pine Lake People’s Champs Barnegat Banana Slugs
Rojo’s Resurgence OG Trout Fishing Club
Main St Mooninitez Dee-Generation X
Whitestone Bulldogs Club Going Up on Altuve

OK, I mean this one doesn’t take much thought to comprehend. Seeing as how this league was created and constructed in Toms River, as well as most of the league originally living in Toms River, a natural divisional structure could easily be the CURRENT Toms River dwellers to basically wherever the fuck you others live (Classified as “The World“). This has been made much easier by the Mayflower Voyage that Dee-Generation X owner Mike Odom took out to the West Coast. Also, I think I heard T say that Connor lives in Jackson or something. Actually, even if he doesn’t and still lives in TR, guess what hes part of the world because I don’t care. From there you have MR NYC and the 2 South Jersey guys (NOTE: anything south of TR is SOUTH JERSEY. Deal with it) to round out the group. Fun fun everyone.

Now, if you follow the chat like the 4 of you do, you know that politics really is what we discuss the majority of the time. Whether you’re a Socialist piece of garbage (Smitty) or a Racist idiot (Greg), the political spectrum really does vary among the group. A veritable cornucopia of ranging opinions one might say. I took some liberties with affiliations, so maybe I’m wrong here, but here’s the POLITICS VERSION of the Backyard League:

jhurtado
Just make them all go away please…….
POLITICS
LEFTIES   RIGHTIES
TEAM   TEAM
River City Cuban Missiles Springfield Isotopes
Main St Mooninitez OG Trout Fishing Club
Dee-Generation X Whitestone Bulldogs
Barnegat Banana Slugs Rojo’s Resurgence
Club Going Up on Altuve Pine Lake People’s Champs

On a quick look, the Lefties really spell themselves out there easily. You have 2 teachers, a black, a vegan, and for some reason little old me! Who’d of ever thought I would be considering myself a DEM-E-CRAT? Well I’m not really, but for the context of this and the chat, lets just let our imagination fly. The Righties division is really where I took some liberties here. Thanks to our chats and his rantings and ravings, we know how Mikey T feels about social and economical issues, as he aligns with his boy Rafael “TED” Cruz. Greg has come out to agree with T on some of these issues, but has taken a more, lets say, racist approach. Hes an obvious Trump supporter, so that’s another easy one here. From there, you have a guy in the financial world (Cliff), who I’m just placing in this division, and two guys that I have NO WORLDLY IDEA how they feel about anything regarding politics. I do feel that the Ryan’s are 2 incredibly decent human beings, so their views wont align with Greg’s or T’s, but in the Republican bracket you go because I just don’t..know……

Now, if you guys are still with me here (maybe one or two of you are), this is my favorite. We’ve spoke often enough about natural rivalries for trash talk purposes, and I feel that I have put together the most reasonable set of divisions based off of each team and a rival in my eyes. Some teams have MANY MANY rivals, but these pairings work the best:

was-the-civil-war-inevitable
Pictured: Lobman and T’s solid beard game
BIG RIVALRIES  
AMERICAN    NATIONAL
TEAM   TEAM
River City Cuban Missiles Springfield Isotopes
OG Trout Fishing Club Barnegat Banana Slugs
Main St Mooninitez Dee-Generation X
Rojo’s Resurgence Pine Lake People’s Champs
Whitestone Bulldogs Club Going Up on Altuve

The first pair is the BLOOD FEUD of the 2 league creators in Mikey T and myself. In reality, we are great friends and I love him like a brother, but get us onto the chat and in fantasy baseball circles and I hope all the bad things in life happen to him. Its really that simple. NEXT we have a pairing of a couple of South Jersey yokels. Greg and Brian have so many correlations, its almost hard to count at this point. You can use their vaunted trading habits, their complete contrast in the political spectrum, their differences in music, and I could go on and on but won’t go on. It just makes sense.

Next up are the former Co-champs (3 consecutive terrible years), and whether it makes DX owner Mike Odom sad or not they are DIRECT RIVALS. Other than that, they are uninteresting to me and I’ll move on. The Battle of the Ryans is next, which is location based, presence in the chat based, and basically that’s it so lets just call it the Battle of the Ryans and move on. Lastly, its the most obvious pairing in the league, which would be the Battle of the Faceless Men. This only works if you suspend your disbelief and believe that Connor is actually controlling his team, and not Mikey T, so let’s work off of that for these purposes. Despite the VERY WELCOMED appearance by our buddy Cliff at the draft, you just never really hear a lot from either of these guys during the season. It’s very hard to trade with either team, and neither one is lighting up the roster move wire, so couple that with the two guys having NO involvement with the chat, its the easiest pairing of teams to split.

So there, guys. I figured out a few really fun scenarios that we could use to split into the new divisions for the 2017 season, should The Commish decide to put it on the ballot for the 5th consecutive season. I hope everyone gets a lot out of my suggestions when it comes to voting time, or I convinced you all to just leave it the way it is. Maybe I’ll think of more when its on the ballot in 2018 AND BEYOND…..

-Lobman

A (Theoretical) Call for Divisions

Week 3 Post-Prince: Power Rankings

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I have no idea why we keep having different people bounce around with these things but I LIKE IT.  And clearly Mike is dealing with some sort of existential crisis, so he’s out.  And maybe we will let Brian do one of these at some point but he did the preseason power rankings and clearly those were oh so wrong, because clearly 3 weeks in everything is pretty much set in stone already.  So he’s out (for now).  This leaves me to do the rankins, while simultaneously declaring my top 10 Prince songs.  Note:  I only know like 5 off the top of my head so this could get weird.  ON TO……the Power Rankings – Week 3 Edition:

1- Dee-Generation X (2-0-1) – WHATTA TIME TO BE ALIVE.  Odom’s DeeX enters Week 4 atop the league and fresh off a brutal battle with the defending champs, where both men tied and ultimately probably lost pieces of themselves in the process (Mike clearly lost a bigger chunk)(not a former fat person joke but I just realized it SO could have been).  It will be interesting to see how DeeX fares after an emotional roller coaster/for the rest of the season, because nobody believed in them.  And like a true football fan Odom’s team has rallied around that tired cliche.  He hosts Rojo in Week 4.

TOP PRINCE SONG #1:  His guitar solo from the George Harrison tribute performance:  

And I am already cheating this list of any dignity it may have aspired to have had.  This song is probably better than any Prince song ever, anyways.  And Prince shreds that solo.  And Brian is unimpressed.  (Note:  if nothing else watch this just to watch when Prince throws his guitar in the air at the end and it never comes back down.  That is fucking showmanship.

 

2- River City Cuban Missiles (1-0-2) – Our reigning champion is going through a bit of an emo phase after last week, even though he technically hasn’t even lost a game.  I mean essentially his team is 2-1 with most of the rest of the goddamned league but Mike is in a raw place and let’s not go there.  For now he is “unbeaten” and he is the reigning champion and I am sure he will be in okay shape in September.  Or he won’t!  Which would be more fun for everyone.  The Missiles get a date with Heroy’s fishing club in Week 4.

TOP PRINCE SONG #2:  His cover of Radiohead’s “Creep” performed at Coachella in 2008, apparently:  

I am sure at some point I will get to an actual Prince song.  But for now this kinda fits, because “Creep” is kinda a depressing song and Mike fancies himself a Radiohead fan and yeah.  I think Prince killed it here.  EIGHT MINUTES AND ALL.

 

3- Barnegat Banana Slugs (2-1) – I am gonna give the devil his due here, Brian defeated me last week (or did I defeat myself?) and with that victory he has seemingly put that curse that I shall not name drop fully on notice.  How long will it last?  Are early season victories just to make a Slugs swan dive start from greater heights?  Time will tell.  Again it’s only April and so these power rankings are ridiculous.  Brian goes up against Mikey T’s ‘Topes in Week 4.

TOP PRINCE SONG #3:  “P Control

THE P STANDS FOR PUSSY.  Just a great song.  If I recall correctly Darian was a big fan.  That’s all I got.

 

4- Main Street MooniniteZ (2-1) – I take no credit away from the Slugs, but essentially I mismanaged my way to a loss this week.  And I have that mismanagement to thank for my large slide down the early season power rankings.  Lessons were learned, folks.  And the MooniniteZ shall be a stronger franchise for it.  YOU WILL ALL RUE WEEK 3.  I play Ryan now.

TOP PRINCE SONG #4:  “When Doves Cry”

Surely this selection will inspire controversy, and for my money it’s possible Ginuwine did a better job with this song, but PRETTY GREAT SONG.  Maybe I’m just like my father, indeed.

 

5- Rojo’s Resurgence (2-1) – Everyone’s favorite comeback story is off to a great start, as Rojo’s only loss this year came at the hands of our morose 2015 champion.  Maybe I am the only Resurgence stan in this league but DAMNED if I don’t want to see them make the playoffs.  And they’ll need their A game this week, as they take on the UnDeefeated DeeX.

TOP PRINCE SONG #5:  “Gett Off”

This song is great because it was in The Last Boyscout, which is an excellent film.  It is sexy just like Rojo.

 

6- Bad Drake Puns (2-1) – THIS PAINS ME, but all of you teams that aren’t my team keep losing to this guy so technically he is in the playoffs right now.  Shame on you all.  You know who you are.  Connor takes on Cliff next week, in a matchup that doesn’t deserve my discussion.  Because who are these people?

TOP PRINCE SONG #6:  “Purple Rain”

Purrrrrple Rain, Purrrrrrrrrrrrple Rain.  Connor probably has that movie on DVD.

 

7- Pine Lake People’s Champs (1-2) – THIS ALSO PAINS ME, but the fact of the matter is Ryan’s team came out flat and done got themselves beat by Connor last week.  I fully expect the Pine Lake PC to move up these rankings as time goes on, but really who fucking knows in this league anymore.  Ryan will be out for vengeance against the MooniniteZ in Week 4, where he will find no vengeance and no mercy.

TOP PRINCE SONG #7:  “Little Red Corvette”

I dunno I’m like running out of songs that I know at this point.  AND BRIAN SAID THIS COULDN’T BE DONE.

 

8- Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (1-2) – Oh Heroy.  A miraculous comeback that apparently required Trevor Bauer saved Greg from louder clamoring for him to change his name to the LessWithMores.  For now.  Heroy takes on the Cuban Missiles in Week 4 in a game I am declaring a MUST WIN FOR HIM (just to annoy Mikey T).

TOP PRINCE SONG #8:  “1999”

TOTALLY forgot this was a Prince song, and this probably should have been higher, but fuck if I am going to go back and change the order now.  Incidentally 1999 is the last time Greg has ever won anything.

 

9- Springfield Isotopes (0-2-1) – Our beleaguered commish.  Actually had a good week last week but lost anyways and I couldn’t be happier for him.  Mehhhh “career wins” mehhhhh, when half the league has changed since then and your team is quieter than a church mouse in the playoffs every year.  #KeepTWin-less2016.  I don’t even care if hashtags can’t have hyphens.  The ‘Topes take on the Slugs and I will openly root for the Slugs.

TOP PRINCE SONG #9:  “Partyman”

I decided prettttty early on that T had to get something from the Batman soundtrack.  And here it is.  This all really just speaks for itself.

 

10- Whitestone Bulldogs (0-3) – I am really concerned that after starting out 0-3, Cliff’s participation level might be affected.  LOLOL jk.  Cliff plays Connor Week 4.

TOP PRINCE SONG #10:  “I Would Die 4 U”

Prince is dead now and we as a nation need to move on so here is the girl from Chvrches singing this song instead.  I dunno…..it doesn’t sound that good but that may be her fault.  Her laziness mirrors Cliff’s.

 

 

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REST IN PURPLE, PRINCE
Week 3 Post-Prince: Power Rankings

Week 3 – A Depressingly Negative Review

A Special Disclaimer: This review is only meant to be funny. I’m just trying to keep these posts fresh and funny (not always funny). I am only kidding with you and your team. If you are offended by my jokes, don’t be. Also, I feel sorry for you if you are offended by my jokes. PROCEED TO THE REVIEW

Well, that certainly was an interesting week for everyone in the league. I’m sure everyone had a fun time tracking their team’s stats over the course of the week, and some may of even gotten some of the enjoyment out of the final scores of their respective match-ups. Not me, however. In addition to my shitty weekend, the Missiles usually potent offense has this owner annoyed and somewhat concerned (Not really, its April). For the context of this review, I’ve decided to take a viscerally unhappy approach and be negative toward everyone and everything. NO HAPPY THOUGHTS HERE ON THIS VERY SPECIAL WEEK 3 REVIEW:

Wild Card Game - Houston Astros v New York Yankees
Quite a Face.

Rojo’s Resurgence BEATS Springfield Isotopes – 8-4-2

MVP: Colby Rasmus – “Colby Jack” may be the ugliest bastard in the bigs, but he put a hurting on the Topes with 4 homers and 10 RBI this week.

LVP: Miguel Cabrera – Where have you gone, real Miggy? A double and and 2 RBI will make people start to break out the Miggy/Morales comparison chart any day now.

The first stop on our tour of sadness brings us to Springfield, as nobody could possibly be more unhappy about their team after this week’s matchup (well, outside of Cliff) than Isotopes owner Mikey “Commish” T. Really, the matchup was very close, despite the final score line; however we are now looking at an 0-2-1 record for the Topes. T made a lot of really strong proclamations this spring about Rojo and his Resurgence, which most likely makes this victory undoubtedly sweet for Mr. Johnson. I will throw a shout out to Mikey T’s pitching staff, which had been pretty Jekyll and Hyde so far this season, but showed some Jekyll-ness with a really solid 9 QS week and a 2.63 ERA. I mean, it didn’t help him in the end, but strong showing, guy.

Next Week: The Isotopes will attempt to get win #1 against he surging power of the Banana Slugs, who are off to a really strong start, so that won’t happen, while Rojo’s Resurgence will continue (or not, who knows) against the undefeated DEE-EX.

IMG_0813_1200x675_516176963789
Brian will buy this shirt ASAP

Barnegat Banana Slugs BEATS Main St Mooninitez – 7-4-3

MVP: Jake Arrieta – Fuck. I mean, it wasn’t Velazquez’s crazy 16 k CG, but a no-hitter is pretty strong in its own right, which earns him an MVP of the week in this one.

LVP: Joey Votto – This Canadian asshole exemplifies everything wrong with Canada. Hilarious swing-tinkering comments are only good if you produce. You suck.

In a matchup where sadness and self loathing pumps through the speakers of their radios and phones and such, the Banana Slugs take down Mooninitez in what really could be considered a MASTER CLASS in over managing a roster day to day. It was borderline impressive how Mooninitez boss Sean McLaughlin was able to leave some big time power numbers on the bench this weekend, while getting no help from his arms in an overall bad performance. The Slugs are doing an incredible job of angering the Runner Up Curse ™ gods here, led by that damn Jake Arrieta (pictured above), who Brian likes to post all sorts of unfunny memes about throughout that chat. For the average owner who swears off the chat when the Slugs do anything productive, WELL THURSDAY NIGHT WAS THE NIGHT FOR YOU, as said pitcher Arrieta sat down the hapless Reds in a tidy 120 pitch performance. Hopefully that leads to some shoulder injury or something, but I DIGRESS. Fuck these 2 owners tho, anyways.

Next Week: The Slugs look to pile on the misery as they take on the Springfield Isotopes, while the Mooninitez look to make better roster decisions this week as they battle with brother McLaughlin and The People’s Champs.

Smyly.jpg
Drew Smyly is ALMOST DEFINITELY a child molester. Or he isn’t. I don’t know.

Club Going Up On Altus BEATS Pine Lake People’s Champs – 7-4-3

MVP: Tanner Roark – Dude spun a 7 inning, 15 K performance against the Twins, and hopefully didn’t win a place in R-Mac’s heart because he’s usually AWFUL.

LVP: Anthony Rendon – On the Nats kick, Rendon put together a pretty bad set of AB’s this week, producing next to nothing. Also, Ken Giles is still rostered and he’s awful.

Well, one of the worst teams from last season has taken yet another step toward respectability, this time taking down the People’s Champs in a fairly close battle. This is the 2nd consecutive win for Connor against a playoff team from last season, which begs the question: What the hell is going on with this fucking devil voodoo magic league? First, Brian is trying to break the curse, now Connor and his trash ass team name are winning against playoff teams? I hate this league sometimes. I really have nothing else to say about this matchup because I’m depressed now, so I’ll just say Drew Smyly had 2 ridiculous starts this week, garnering 17 k and a .60 ERA. This is how fucked we all are. RIP this league…

Next Week: CGUOA will do a little battle with the other voiceless team in our league, the Bulldogs, and we will find out which brother is best (OR WORST) as the People’s Champs take on the Mooninitez.

Gallardo.png
One day he will not exist, so enjoy Yovani now.

OG Trout Fishing Club BEATS Whitestone Bulldogs – 7-5-2

MVP: Anthony Rizzo – OH LOOK at who just hit 5 homers this week. Cool, Cool Riz.

LVP: Cliff – You get LVP for picking up Yovani Gallardo. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN SPOT START THIS GUY? Oh, Cliff is the only one so far this year. LVP

The battle of the 0-2’s treated us to basically a home run derby, as both teams tried AND FAILED to break the home run record while amassing a combined 42 homers this week. Meanwhile, Heroy won a game. Good on him. I didn’t pay attention at all to this one this week, but I think I read that it was very close up until the end, with a VERY LUCKY Trevor Bauer relief win being the difference in this one. I mean, seriously, Trevor Bauer was the difference. This is the saddest week in the league’s history. For the Bulldogs, his cavalcade of present and former Mets just beat the shit out of the baseball all week, because Heroy’s Trout Club remembered that they actually have a good roster too. The stats show a very close win for the Trouts, and really both teams were ridiculous enough offensively to PROBABLY win against any of the other teams this week (Disclaimer: I did NO research to back that up and don’t care if true or not).

Next Week: Good to see the Trout Fishing Club find their offensive form JUST IN TIME to battle the hapless and depressing Cuban Missiles, while The Bulldogs will play the Club Going Up On Altuve in the Anonymous Derby! Get your popcorn ready (yawn).

The Preparation H Anal Suppositories Game of the Week!:

michael-pineda-35-of-the-new-york-yankees-i.jpg
Pictured: Mike Pineda – Giving up probably 1 of the 75 runs given up in the first yesterday. Nice job fuckface.

River City Cuban Missiles TIES Dee-Generation X – 6-6-2

MVP: Bryce Harper – Because he’s our MVP every week, forever and ever. Also, anyone who didn’t follow this abortion of a matchup is his or her own individual MVP.

LVP: Pitching – What’s way to back up the FABLED 12/12 week? Oh, anyone named Sanchez shitting themselves on the mound for your team. That, and the only viable starters that the DX roster were absolutely terrible. Really, good times by all ball throwers this week.

The battle of unbeaten was really as roster move filled as everyone would’ve predicted (If you like predicting things), and came down to the final few at bats in the Sunday Night game in an incredibly narrow 6-6 draw. This Sunday night scramble has become routine for the Missiles, as their offense failed to show up yet again. This is becoming very concerning for the defending champions, as they made a few trades in the offseason which are NOT currently working out in their favor at the present moment. Whispers of “Its April” are spreading around the boardroom, but Tyrant owner Mike Lobman is panicked. There, I said it. I’m fucking annoyed and panicked. Freeman, Abreu, Stanton, Tulo, Adam Jones, Hanley, Tyler White, and the lack of a cohesive catcher are really grinding my gears here. Yes, things will undoubtedly brighten up, but in the mean time, its fucking panic city over at the River City. That being said, The DX did a great job of being just as mediocre as the Missiles this week, highlighted by that 5.835 ERA. There’s really not a lot to say on either end, as both teams ended up not losing, which I guess is fine. But it’s not. I don’t want to make this all about the Missiles, so I’ll highlight the fact that the DX did what they do this week, compiling 13 steals and a handful of triples and such. The battle really did come down to the last few at bats, which had Tyler While on 2nd base with a chance to win with a score. Of course, he didn’t, so lets just end it there because fuck everything.

Next Week: The Missiles get to get their heads bashed in by everyone’s favorite future liver transplant patient Greg Heroy and the Trout Fishing Club, while Odom will take his shell game of a roster over to face the Resurgence.

– Lobman

HEY here’s a little something I feel could be added to spice this bad boy up:

SEASON STATS – Through Week 3
RK TEAM R 2B 3B HR RBI SB OBP K QS CG W SV HD ERA
1 Dee-Generation X 124 47 11 23 109 25 0.3225 250 15 0 10 18 6 4.947
2 Club Going Up On Altuve 122 44 3 34 108 21 0.3469 229 23 0 16 11 4 3.115
3 Barnegat Banana Slugs 145 62 7 39 134 16 0.3594 239 21 1 22 12 2 3.644
4 Rojo’s Resurgence 125 52 4 37 128 16 0.3461 247 21 0 12 0 17 3.66
5 Main Street MooniniteZ 142 51 8 29 127 17 0.3405 285 16 2 14 16 2 2.84
6 River City Cuban Missiles 125 51 3 38 139 14 0.3279 242 24 0 18 9 11 3.629
7 Pine Lake People’s Champs 133 46 2 35 119 9 0.3478 234 23 1 20 8 4 3.172
8 OceanGate Trout Fishing Club 153 41 6 38 131 24 0.3435 222 18 1 12 13 2 4.154
9 Springfield Isotopes 115 35 3 36 121 10 0.3101 233 24 0 18 15 7 3.799
10 Whitestone Bulldogs 107 38 6 36 119 13 0.3372 197 19 0 15 15 3 3.449
Week 3 – A Depressingly Negative Review

2017 SEASON RECORDS

Runs:  66  — RRF (Rojo) [9]
Doubles:  27  — X-Rayz (Odom) [17]
Triples:  6  — X-Rayz (Odom) [5]
Home Runs:  27  — Renegade Force (Rojo) [18] *ALL TIME RECORD/THE SADDEST MORAL VICTORY I EVER DID SEE*  
RBI’s:  70  — RRF (Rojo) [9]
Stolen Bases:  18  — X-Rayz (Odom) [9]
OBP:  .4167  — Isotopes (Mikey T) [10]

Strikeouts:  107  — MooniniteZ (Sean) [6]
Quality Starts:  10  —  Titans (Ryan) [2, 7]
Complete Games:  2  — Bad Dudes (Lobman) [3], Morning Wood (Shane) [8, 10], X-Rayz (Odom) [9]
Wins:  10  — RRF (Rojo) [3], Titans (Ryan) [13], BackdoorSliderz (Doch) [18]
Saves:  11  — Morning Wood (Shane) [14]****  
Holds:  8  — Titans (Ryan) [12]
ERA:  1.886  — MooniniteZ (Sean) [9]

ALL-TIME RECORDS

Runs:  71  —  Heroy (2016 [Week 14])
Doubles:  31  —  Lobman (2012 [Week 17])
Triples:  8  —  Brian (2016 [Week 11])
Home Runs:  27  —  Rojo (2017 [Week 18])
RBIs:  81  —  Ryan (2009 [Week 16])
Stolen Bases:  27  —  Odom (2016 [Week 18])
OBP:  .456  —  Lenny (2011 [Week 6])

Strikeouts: 110 — Ryan (2014 [Week 10])
Quality Starts: 12 — Lobman (2016 [Week 2])
Complete Games: 4 — Ryan (2008 [Week 8]), Lenny (2011 [Week 11]), Lobman (2010 [Week 19])*
Wins: 12 — Cliff (2016 [Week 7])
Saves: 11 — Mikey T (2009 [Week 14]), 2016 [Week 5]), Rojo (2010 [Week 1])** , Cliff (2015 [Week 9])***, Shane (2017 [Week 14])****
Holds: 9 — Rojo (2016 [Week 10]
ERA: 1.29 — Odom/Sean (2011 [Week 20])

Note:  Records in extended weeks are limited to rate stats only (OBP and ERA) EXCEPT in two dumb instances with Saves referenced both above and below. 

 

*Includes 1 5IP Rain-Out CG.

**Rojo had 11 Saves on an 8 day week. No pitchers pitched on Day 1.

***Cliff had an illegal roster for one day in Week 9. TYPICAL CLIFF.

****Shane accumulated 11 Saves within the initial 7 Day Period within an extended week.

History of the League: Part 2 – 2009

Sometimes its fun to go back into the history books to check out the past scores and records after such a long time in the league, and sometimes its, well, not as fun. 2009 was not as fun of a sophomore season for the defending champ Mashers, but did crown a new champ in the Scarlet Knights (Now Springfield Isotopes).

Mikey T
Pictured: Your 2009 Champion

2009 Also introduce our first expansion franchise in league history: Zee Captain. Now, I have no worldy idea who this joker was, but MANNNNNNN did he love his Washington Nationals. Also, I heard that he was Lenny’s friend or something, so that’s how it went. Our new friend Zee Captain came through with some of the more … interesting trades you could think of in his quest to acquire every National player of relevance he could think of. A special shoutout  goes to Mr. Greg Heroy and his Youth Movement (previously named Rebuilding Stage) for basically being the most Bipolar team in our leagues history, going worst to tied for first in 1 season.

While there were some interesting trades happening in the offseason before this season started which can’t be verified (due to lack of record keeping at the time), 2009 brought forward the next step of the trading era. Remember how R-Mac has every ace you could think of? Well, the first (and strongest) of the stable was acquired in 2009 by the name of Clayton something Kershaw. How about this: Eventual champ Mikey T dealt eventual MVP Dustin Pedroia to the Mashers for a couple of closers, which would probably go down as on of the weirder trades in this league’s history. I mean, it worked out for him decently well, as Brian Wilson (acquired in said trade) posted incredibly good numbers after the trade. This included saving 3 in the championship week to beat the Jonny Bevs (what?).

The playoffs that year did not yield any real discernible favorite like 2008, but it did provide some really interesting semi-final results that I didn’t notice until now. Defending champion Lobman and The Mashers limped into the playoffs as the #6 seed, yet took down strong #3 seed in the WVU Bombers to get into the Semi’s against the Knights (bye). The other mild surprise was Jonny Bev’s “Numba 2 Pick” upsetting Pete Mitch (RIP), which set up a battle with the upstart Youth Movement. Both semi-final match-ups ended up incredibly close 6-5-3 battles, and produced a very unsavory Scarlet Knights vs Numba 2 Pick Championship Game. Ugh.

The Championship Game was not close again for the 2nd straight year, as the Knights just crushed Bev like every math test he ever took, which gave Mikey T his first (only) Backyard League Championship.

REGULAR SEASON FINAL STANDINGS

2009
AMERICAN NATIONAL
TEAM W L T PCT GB TEAM W L T PCT GB
Scarlet Knights 15 7 0 0.682 Youth Movement 16 6 0 0.727
WVU Bombers 14 8 0 0.636 1 Numba 2 Pick 12 10 0 0.545 4
Somerville Sluggers 13 9 0 0.591 2 River City Mashers 11 11 0 0.5 5
Toms River Takeover 9 13 0 0.409 6 Whitestone Bulldogs 6 16 0 0.273 10
Orlando Stunnaz 9 13 0 0.409 6 Zee Captain 5 17 0 0.227 11

PLAYOFF BRACKET

#1 Youth Movement
*BYE*
#5 Numba 2 Pick 7-5-2 #5 Numba 2 Pick 6-5-3
#4 Somerville Sluggers 5-7-2 #1 Youth Movement 5-6-3
#5 Numba 2 Pick 3-10-1
#6 River City Mashers 7-6-1 #6 River City Mashers 5-6-3 #2 Scarlet Knights 10-3-1
#3 WVU Bombers 6-7-1 #2 Scarlet Knights 6-5-3
#2 Scarlet Knights
*BYE*

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME RESULT:

TEAM BATTERS PITCHERS TOTAL
NAME R 2B 3B HR RBI SB OBP K QS CG W SV HD ERA SCORE
#5 Numba 2 Pick (12-10) 47 15 0 13 48 3 0.3927 66 6 0 8 3 2 4.24 3-10-1
#2 Scarlet Knights (15-7) 49 14 2 13 52 5 0.3299 78 7 1 5 8 4 3.842 10-3-1

Coming Soon: Season #3 (2010)

History of the League: Part 2 – 2009

Week 2 Review

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Pictured: The MooniniteZ bandwagon. Those interested in seating should inquire soon, as space is filling up fast.

Week 2 featured a bit of history, as well as a bit of an ass whoopin’.  When the smoke settled and the dust cleared, only two teams remained undefeated with a third team pathetically clinging to a stupid looking 1-0-1 record and even stupider delusions of back to back championships.  Yes, those looking to the top of the Backyard Mountain shall once again see former 3Peaters turned friendly foes Sean McLaughlin and Michael “Half Black Mamba” Odom.  Perhaps this will give Ryan and Greg nightmares of championships that slipped through their grasp, perhaps this will make Peter Mitchell re-quit the league.  Perhaps nobody cares about their feelings anyways.  On to the Week 2 review (with games in no particular order, mostly cuz I want to take the half-assed approach and steal the format of the Week 1 Review):

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Main St MooniniteZ Beat THE EVER LOVING SHIT out of T’s Topes – 12-2-0

MVP: Vinny Velasquez – Sure Arenado had 4 HRs, but recognition needs to be given to Vinny V’s performance.  A 3 hit 0 walk SIXTEEN STRIKEOUT CG pretttty much signaled the end of the matchup on a Thursday afternoon.  This league shall not see a better start this year, folks.

LVP: Prince Fielder– .148 OBP, 4 measly RBIs, zero runs or extra base hits.

In a matchup of “insufferable human beings” (Lobman’s words not mine, I think Mikey T is delightful), one of those human beings did a far better job managing their roster.  Once again the MooniniteZ pretty much wrapped things up prior to the weekend, allowing their owner to binge drink peacefully.  Will Sean be binge drinking champagne when the season is all said and done?  Probably.  Does that necessarily even mean I am predicting a championship?  No not really I just enjoy the occasional bottle of champagne.  Anyways uhhh yea, a pretty thorough takedown of the ‘Topes that culminated in the Thursday dominance of Velasquez combining with a 13K CG from Jaime Garcia, two nails in Mikey T’s alarmingly light coffin.    The ‘Topes didn’t really impress in any categories, 8 quality starts is nothing to sneeze at but a team-wide OBP of .2813 is not going to get it done most weeks.  For those interested in hot takes about the Joey Votto for Lorenzo Cain (and a pick T probably wasted) trade, their weeks were as follows.  Votto 2 runs 1 double 1 HR 4 RBIs .360 OBP.  Cain 4 runs 1 HR 5 RBIs .300 OBP.  Unimpressive on all fronts there.

Next week: The MooniniteZ  host the Banana Slugs in a battle of two gentlemen who are comfortable enough in their masculinity to admit they enjoy the hauntingly beautiful ballads of Elliott Smith (RIP).  Sean will look to gently nudge Brian towards the inescapable curse (Runner Up Curse ™) that awaits his team this season, while also trying not to say anything to hurt his feelings.  ‘Cuz that guy is a pussy.  The ‘Topes will be taking on Rojo’s Resurgence and looking to win a goddamn game for once, because winners don’t tie.  Surely this matchup will test the strength of Rojo and Mikey T’s friendship, if Rojo ever checks the group chat.  As a big fan of the Rojey T relationship, I for one hope he does not.

TL;DR version below:991439

Randal Grichuk
HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW LOBMAN! (especially those luscious locks amirite?)

Dee-X Dee-Feat the Whitestone Bulldogs – 8-4-2

MVP: Randal Grichuk – Of course this happened.  Lobman drops Grichuk because Grichuk looks like he is swinging his bat at imaginary insects, Odom picks him up, and he promptly puts together this line in Week 2:  7 runs, 1 double, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .455 OBP.

LVP: Cliff’s supposed life obligations.

In a matchup that played out more or less the way you would expect it to, Cliff’s Metdogs were no match for the many moves of my main man MO.  Odom didn’t have to break too much of a sweat this week, solid production from his team across the board and perhaps the most interesting thing of note is that his beloved speedsters lost steals 6 to 5.  But they won 8 other categories and lost 3 other ones and tied in two, and there you have it.  In addition to Grichuk’s week to behold some guy named Jeremy Hazelbaker continues to also play for the Cardinals/DeeX and hit the baseball all over the fucking place.  2 doubles 1 triple 1 HR, .444 OBP.  Also Billy Hamilton hit an honest-to-god over the fence type HR last week, and had a .357 OBP and no steals.  I do not know this man.  For Clifford,  Cespedes had himself a pretty solid week as did ex-Met Daniel Murphy.  And Syndergaard is a beast, but yanno live by the Mets die by the Mets.  Cliff left a utility spot open on Sunday.  WHAT MORE CAN BE SAID REALLY.

Next week:  DeeX gets to take their shot at handing Mike’s Missiles their first L, assuming we don’t consider a tie to the Isotopes to be an L and that’s certainly up for debate.  Mike’s illegal immigrant Missiles will be attempting to do the same to Odom’s squad, a squad that NOBODY BELIEVED IN EXCEPT ME AND ODOM.  jk I didn’t particularly believe in them either.  Can’t teach fantasy hustle though, kids.  The winless Bulldogs will host the winless OG fisherman people in a matchup that deserves to be ignored.  They’re lucky they even got that last sentence out of me.

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That Team with That Name That Mikey T Made Them Adopt Defeats the Barnegat Banana Slugs – 8-5-1

MVP: Jose Altuve – This tiny little nightmare scored 8 runs, hit 3 doubles and 3 HRs, drove in 7, and stole 2 bases while putting up a tidy .484 OBP.  Story to follow (hehe).

LVP: Trevor Story – He hit zero HRs last week.  Time to move along, Brian.

The Story here just may be the beginning of the Runner Up Curse ™ when this season’s Story is finally told, as Brian’s Slugs lost to Connor’s Shitty Drake Puns despite a pretty strong week overall.  Last year it took Connor’s baseball menz like 10 weeks to finally get a win, this year they snare their first W in Week 2 against Brian.  Coincidental?  Runner Up Curse ™?  Whom is to say, but it is probably the second one.  For Connor’s Awful Guy From DeGrassi Puns, Altuve paced an offense that hit 19 HRs and generally just did not fuck around.  Mark fucking Trumbo hit 5 HRs last week, apparently.  Nobody even wanted to draft him.  One might say he started from the bottom and now he’s here if one were a fucking asshole.  Connor’s pitching was also a Story heading into Sunday, as all of the buzz about the 12 for 12 quality start record centered around his team from what I could tell from a brief perusing of the group chat.  But lo, a different Story would be told when the week was all said and done.  That’s called foreshadowing fuckers, read a book some time.  I may have been a bit unfair when assigning LVP to Trevor Story, the guy had 2 triples and a double last week.  Those triples would have been HRs if not for that goddamned wall they threw up out there in Coors, but triples are kinda more valuable in this league anyways so don’t let Brian get away with complaining about this.  Josh Donaldson did a wee bit of everything in this matchup, and the Slugs staff racked up a solid 7 wins and a damned solid 88 Ks but it ’twas not enough.  Connor ended up with 10 quality starts and 89 Ks and it was just that kinda week for my brotha down in Barnegat.

Next week: The Banana Slugs head to Main Street to take on the MooniniteZ and WE AREN’T BROTHAS ANYMORE.  For one week’s time.  No matter what happens, there will be an obligatory comparsion of Donaldson’s week to Arenado’s week and this will continue until 2020 per the terms of the 2015 trade agreement.  Connor’s island of misfit toys will hope to keep their momentum going when they host Ryan’s People’s Champs, who will also hope to keep their momentum going.  MOMENTOUS!

The People’s Champs KO paper champion contender Greg Heroy and his fishing club of sadness – 9-4-1

MVP: Chris Sale – A 9K 0ER CG in a league where CGs can be straight deadly.  Pitching wins championships don’t believe Lobman’s lies.

LVP: Ian Desmond – Ian Desmond is doing absolutely nothing, but Heroy just can’t quit him.  Perhaps because he took him in the “second round” of the “last draft”.

Coming off a narrow defeat at the ever add/dropping hands of Mike Odom in Week 1, Ryan’s Champs came out angry in Week 2.  Every pitch Chris Sale throws looks kind of angry, and he threw 27 outs worth of ’em.  The rest of Ryan’s pitching staff was actually kinda shitty, which further proves the point that CGs can be a real dagger to the heart of their opponents.  Ryan’s offense was solid if unspectacular, with Cargo continuing to lull Ryan into a false sense of security with a 2 double 1 triple 1 HR .407 OBP week.  Light bulbs always shine brightest just before they burn out, indefinitely with a sore knee.  As usual this matchup was more about Heroy and his impressive ability to waste talent.  the Less with Mores continues to be a better team name than anything else he can possibly come up with, as last week his team of stars put up a paltry .2831 OBP to go along with a feeble 9 HRs and 31 RBIs.  It’s entirely possible he’s already lost the respect of the team and this is just that lack of respect manifesting itself.  Buster Posey had a .118 OBP and scored 1 run, and that’s literally all he did.  One run.  The pitching staff looked to run into a bit of bad luck as only 1 of Heroy’s 7 quality starts resulted in a W, but hey that’s life.  Be more tolerant of people from different ways of life and perhaps the fantasy gods will take less pleasure in denying you championships.  But yea Heroy isn’t going to win the championship this year, is my point.  He’s a reall nice guy though (and they finish last).

Next week: Ryan’s PCs play visitor (not that it matters) in a matchup with Connor, who will be seeking his first winning record of the past 2 years.  It’s entirely possible/likely that Connor will be unsuccessful in that endeavor but HEY maybe he won’t lose.  Ryan still has Javier Baez clogging up his roster like some sort of bowel cancer, after all.  Heroy takes on an absentee landlord.  Somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barks.  That dog doesn’t care about this matchup either.

Whatta douche.

THE TACO BELL BATTLE OF THE WEEK – Cuban Missiles BEST Rojo’s Resurgence – 9-4-1        Taco Bell….Live Mas

MVP: Bryce Harper – 4HRs, 12 RBIs, 6 runs, a double, 2 steals, .400 OBP.  He probably pimped that double, too.  Honorable mention:  All 9 of the Cuban Missiles starters.

LVP: Rojo’s Merry Band of Holds Men.  Honorable mention:  Figs

The Resurgence was certainly looking to make a statement with a win over last years’s champeens, and they lost and so they didn’t and now NONE OF THAT EVEN MATTERS because Mike went 12 for 12 in quality starts outta nowhere.  How very disheartening for us all.  The Missiles went a perfect 4 for 4 on Sunday, including thrilling dueling quality starts in the 8 o’clock game.  Samardzija tried his damnest to give up a 4th run but in the end it was FATE and Mike has a record that literally cannot be broken.  For records that *probably* cannot be broken see:  all-time RBIs, all-time ERA, sadly maybe all-time OBP.  But let’s not take focus from the dominant pitching week from the Missiles, all credit due to them and congratulations to Mike for wiping Figs from both the record books and all of our lives.  On the offensive side of things, Bryce Harper lead an offense that wasn’t all that great but didn’t really need to be.  Narrow victories in doubles and RBIs, along with a 48-35 edge over Rojo in runs, were more than enough in helping the Cuban Missiles secure their first victory in their quest to defend their 2015 title.  OH YEA, for good measure Lobman even missed the holds record by one and finished with 7.  And THAT may be what stings for Rojo most of all, as the Resurgence does not roster a single goddamned closer and so to only pull off 2 holds in a week and then have the Missiles drop a 7 spot on ’em…..ouch.  Punting saves effectively means you really can’t afford to lose holds without putting yourself in quite a hole, coupling that with Mike’s dominant starting pitching made for one too many hurdles for the Resurgence of Rojo to overcome.  In any other week Rojo’s 79Ks and an ERA under 3 might have been enough…..against River City they were not.  Rojo’s offense was neither great nor terrible, and Ian Kinsler had 3 HRs, and surely that gave Rojo a semi.

Next week: The Missiles take on DeeX in my early favorite for GAME O’ THE WEEK, since apparently we do that retroactively now.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and such.  Rojo’s Resurgence hosts the Springfield Isotopes in a battle to keep our bumbling commissioner win-less for as long as possible.  #KeepTWin-less2016.

But basically:

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On top of the mountain and sorry not sorry about it
Week 2 Review