2017 TROLL SERIES, VOL. 6: HOW ODOM KILLED A DYNASTY

c0e86b838d8e54d03b4b07603429b14e
An actual picture of Odom

Before I begin the process of badmouthing our new commish, LET ME FIRST BADMOUTH ALL OF YOU.  There is a fun joke thrown out here and there where I am given no credit for my role in the only dynasty this league has ever seen or probably will ever see, and I actually quite enjoy that joke.  That is a fun joke.  Good clean comedy.  The other and far sadder joke on this topic is the one where people try and asterisk the 3-peat by basically going with the line of thinking that you all couldn’t beat us, for three glorrrrrious years in a glorrrrrious row, simply because you didn’t have a co-owner.  Think that one through, is what I am asking of you people.  Follow that to its logical conclusion and it just sounds sadddddd, sounds sad every time someone says it.  Don’t admit in a public forum that you weren’t capable of winning a FANTASY BASEBALL CHAMPIONSHIP without somebody to help you make your widdle decisions and set your widdle lineup.  PATHETIC.  All of you.  Pathetic.  Affronts to the fantasy baseball gods.

Now, on to me taking credit for every championship and then blaming Odom for the death of the dynasty.  I don’t think anyone is ever going to win 3 in a row in this league ever again (apologies to the O-G-T-F-C but that shit is T-O-U-G-H) and I take as much pride as possible for a fantasy sport accomplishment for what Odom and I were able to accomplish.  Now indulge me while I point out why I deserve all the credit for our successes (the vegan part of this post) and Odom deserves all the blame for the failed 4-peat (the meaty part of this post)…..and possibly the death of Oscar Taveras.

TO THE YEARS >>>>>>

Year:  2011

Record:  9-11

Result:  FIRST CHAMPIONSHIP

Why Sean deserves all the credit:  I dunno I barely remember this one, IN ACTUALITY there was a pretty even split of personnel decision making particularly after the 3rd owner went by the wayside.  I must have come up with the Jimbo’s Vulcan Death Grip name though (later found out that move is more of a face mush than a choke but oh fucking well).  And for that, and for the fire it lit under the boys, SEAN DESERVES ALL THE CREDIT.

Year:  2012

Record:  11-9

Result:  SECOND CHAMPIONSHIP (Back 2 Back)

Why Sean deserves all the credit:  It was either this year or the previous year that Odom traded Brandon Beachy for David Robertson and I yelled at him about it.  But that trade super duper worked out.  But I dunno aside from that trade WHAT DID HE DO?  Surely you don’t remember.  I don’t remember.  Surely he doesn’t remember (drugs).  I definitely remember I picked up Edwin Encarnacion off the FA pool at the beginning of the year though, and voted to keep him over (2012 NL RBI leader) Chase Headley.  Also this was the year we cut Mark Trumbo during the playoff run because he was racking up DNPs, and I don’t think Odom was against it at all but for the sake of this post I am saying he was vehemently against it.  And that kinda move is the kinda move that brought us the championship.  And so, in the absence of any credible evidence to the contrary, SEAN DESERVES ALL THE CREDIT*.   

*Note:  On the last night of the playoffs matchup with Lobman I was definitely in a Folly Beach tequila bar trying to take home a pink-haired waitress so Odom was definitely physically making the moves with regards to sitting guys to preserve OBP leads BUT I stepped outside to take a phone call on the decision.  Which makes me even more deserving of all the credit, in my humble opinion.

Year:  2013

Record:  16-3-1

Result:  THIRD CHAMPIONSHIP (Back 2 Back 2 Back)

Why Sean deserves all the credit:  Now this year, IN MY RECOLLECTION, is one where Odom’s lifestyle (drugs) or lifestyle (I dunno liquore store managing?) kept him away from a lot of the day to day spot start picking up business and WHO PICKED UP THE SLACK YOU ASK?  I did.  I also put in the waiver claim for a one Matt Carpenter, he of the 55 doubles in 2014.  I also uhhhh, I dunno did some other stuff.  This was by far our most difficult (only difficult) championship matchup, credit to Heroy, and I most definitely streamed some closers and picked up Latroy Hawkins for some Mets-Marlins doubleheader in which he notched a crucial save.  What more needs to be said here?   SEAN DESERVES ALL THE CREDIT.

Year:  2014

Record:  14-6

Result:  FUCKING FAILURE

WHY ODOM DESERVES ALL THE BLAME AND POSSIBLY KILLED OSCAR TAVERAS:  This year started out much like the last two, with the supremely cocky and confident duo (that was us) seeking a fourth straight championship.  There was legitimate conversation about quitting the league if we won 4 in a row and declaring there was nothing left to accomplish, but ALAS.  Again I am going to make accusations that Odom’s lifestyle forced me to make the majority of the spot start moves, and again I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday (fake chicken I think, stylized as chick’n).

Probably the defining moment of our season, a symbol of all that went wrong, is when that CONFUSING minor leagues system put us in the situation as follows:  I was dropping Oscar Taveras from our majors roster thinking he was still protected by the safety net of our minors team, when in fact Odom had dropped him from our minors team (I never paid much attention to the minors teams) just to shuffle around some minor league dickheads.  And THEN after learning of our misstep and cruelly being barred from having a takesies backsies, we had to trade Addison Russell* to get him back.  One can see how all of this back and forth and added pressure on fantasy Oscar Taveras could have lead to real life person Oscar Taveras dying that offseason.  ONE CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT

*Fun fact:  Addi was the only minors guy I ever really picked up, to make up for me pushing the Profar-for-Zobrist trade so hard prior to the uhhh previous season I think?  And just LOOK how that turned out, yet another mostly mutual thing I feel I deserve sole credit for.    

While not the dominant season of one year prior, we entered the playoffs once again the #1 seed (Ryan probably a far superior team as the #2 seed) so CAN’T REALLY COMPLAIN.  Now allow me to complain about us blowing our matchup with out-of-work bridge ogre and then-named McGibblets team owner Connor, in bullet form:

  • Prior to even beginning these points I want to point out that I am still flummoxed when I look over this box score, we had a pretty damn good week and it just was NOT ENOUGH
  • My first and probably best point, if Odom is such a MASTER OF THE STEALS then how come our team lost steals 16-1?  RIDDLE ME THAT?
  • My second point, we uhhhh.  We lost OBP, even though .3265 isn’t a bad OBP by any means, but we lost OBP and Odom’s teams since have historically yielded low OBPs so PROBABLY NOT A COINCIDENCE.
  • We gave Yovani Gallardo a start?  And he gave up 5 runs in 5 innings and we lost ERA 3.249 to 2.710?  I dunno feels like Odom’s fault.
  • We only had 79Ks that week and if you look since that time we have both fielded the strongest strikeouts teams, at least two in the top 3.  But last year I think my team was better (don’t worry about the year before) so Odom’s fault.
  • We gave too many ABs to Matt fucking Adams for some reason and he murdered our OBP.  Makes ya think…..
  • Oscar Taveras hit a two run home run that week.  Makes ya think…..
  • read the tea leaves ODOM DESERVES ALL THE BLAME AND HIS SLOPPINESS VERY LIKELY POSSIBLY COST OSCAR TAVERAS HIS LIFE.

So there you have it, a take-down of that sad “yea well you had two owners” excuse you simpletons like to throw out there and an attempt to re-direct all the “Sean contributed nothing” jokes into “Odom contributed nothing” jokes.  Which will only lead to more “Sean contributed nothing” jokes.  REGARDLESS, I thank you all for tuning in to yet another excuse for me to point out that Odom and I won 3 championships in a row and in all likelihood nobody will ever do that again.

35
First runner-up for the “actual pic of Odom” troll doll images I wanted to use for this
Advertisements
2017 TROLL SERIES, VOL. 6: HOW ODOM KILLED A DYNASTY

Overly Long Overly Critical Entirely Necessary Draft Review

In today’s age of instant analysis and tweetery and other fuckery, there is a tendency within this league to immediately declare “winners” and “losers” on all trades and transactions.  I generally don’t approve of this practice, particularly when Mikey T is doing it because he is almost always wrong #SeanForCommish.  That being said, I have an unfulfilling job and Mike bestowed upon me the ability to post things to this “blog” SO LET’S DECLARE THE BIGGEST WINNER AND LOSER FOR EACH ROUND OF THE DRAFT.  Shall we?  We shall.

A few quick rules:

  • You have to have a pick in said round to be declared winner or loser of said round (this means Odom is safe for the first 15 rounds or whatever.  I trust his process).
  • Multiple picks in a round can either help you or hurt you depending on how stupid or less stupid you were with said picks.
  • My opinion is the correct opinion and your opinion is the incorrect opinion.

I believe that about covers it.  ON TO ROUND 1 or 16 or whatever is least confusing for your small brains.

—ROUND 1 (16)(shame on us for having so many fucking keepers I will not miss these drafts)

BIGGEST WINNER:

Lobman:  Freddie Freeman (153), Carlos Martinez (155), and Hanley Ramirez (160).

I really really do not want to be complimentary of Lobman’s draft very often and truth be told I’ll probably find a way to make this the last nice thing I have to say about Mike ever, but I guess he technically “won” this round through A) having Freeman fall to him and B) making a very nice pickup in Carlos Martinez.  It is a testament to those first two picks that I am not going to discuss how much of a mistake it was picking Hanley Ramirez, whom sucks dick.

 BIGGEST LOSER:

Connor:  Ken Giles (157).

Connor takes the all-important first round loser crown by taking a goddamned closer, which surely hasn’t been done since Odom and I took an SP eligible Aroldis Chapman.  I think we all know how that turned out.  What Connor did here was way different than that and Connor sucks for this.  Just plain sucks.

—ROUND 2 (17)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Greg:  Gregory Polanco (162)

Greg is another guy I hate speaking about in a positive manner, and in fact I rarely do!  But Greg wins out here by Rojo being a dumbass and taking a world-weary Matt Kemp in Round 1 instead of G-Po, a youthful stud.  Quick and friendly reminder that this is a dynasty league.  Anyways, Rojo himself lucked out because Connor took a closer in the first round and so he avoided my public shame and ridicule over Matt fucking Kemp.  Hey speaking of….

GOD YOU FUCKING BIGGEST LOSER YOU:

Connor:  Mark Melancon (168).

CONNOR YOUR TEAM IS NOT THIS GOOD YOU ALREADY TOOK A FUCKING CLOSER IN THE FIRST ROUND YOUR TEAM WAS NOT A FEW CLOSERS AWAY FROM GREATNESS GODDAMN YOU.  Furthermore STOP WITH THE FUCKING DRAKE-THEMED TEAM NAMES YOU ARE THE MCGIBBLETS NOW AND FOREVER AND I KNOW MIKEY T IS RUNNING YOUR TEAM AND HE IS DOING A POOR JOB OF IT CLEARLY…… #SeanForCommish

—ROUND 3 (18)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Ryan:  Raisel Iglesias (176), Brandon Belt (179).

Ryan did a nice job here taking the amazing destined for greatness Raisel Iglesias and a criminally underrated due for a breakout right about now Brandon Belt.  Ryan then sent me Raisel Iglesias for Carlos Rodon, whom I took two picks ahead at 174 and whom is also destined for greatness just using a different throwing arm.  Nice work all around, and Ryan now officially has the greatest collection of left-handed pitchers ever assembled in this league.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Lobman:  Kenta Maeda (175).

Fuck you Mike, this guy probably tops out at 86 MPH and you will never win back to back championships and in fact you already lost this year by going trade-happy and letting all your power bats just up and leave.  I would insert a picture of the 1997 Marlins if I was more web-savvy.

—ROUND 4 (19)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

MOONINITEZ:  Lance McCullers (183), Andrew Miller (189).

Reports of Lance McCuller’s shoulder’s demise have been greatly exaggerated, and he is really good.  And Andrew Miller shall spend all of April being a really good closer before turning into the league’s best setup man and then probably going back to being a really good closer in 2017 when Aroldis goes off to a new team or gets killed by a ricochet.  GREAT VALUE ALL AROUND HERE, ME.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Mikey T:  Starlin Castro (184).

I mean I really could have just had Connor three-peat at this point but 1- everyone knows Odom and I will be the last team to ever three-peat anything in this sorry league and 2- Mikey T somehow conspired to steal the show from his own farm team with this Starlin Castro reeeeeeeeach to end all reaches.  I mean, I’ve got nothing to say really.  Slightly speechless.  Bravo to you sir.

BIGGEST LOSER HONORABLE MENTION THAT I AM FORCED TO MENTION:  CONNOR, Hector Rondon (188)

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CONNOR/MIKEY T

—ROUND 5 (20)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Brian:  Zach Britton (195), Brian McCann (200).

Now here’s a guy that gets it.  Brian plays it safe in Round 5 with an underrated closer in Britton and the guy that single-handedly helped Mike luck into a championship last year in Brian McCann.  See below for what NOT to do with your two 5th round draft picks.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Heroy:  Alex Gordon (198), Dansby Swanson (199).

I relish any opportunity to declare that a prospect got drafted ever so slightly earlier than I thought they should get drafted and that is what I am doing here, HEROY YOU DICKHOLE YOU.  However going beyond that I am also criticizing the selection of Alex Gordon, who is the current king of “better in real life baseball than fantasy baseball” names.  UZR isn’t a category and Alex Gordon the fantasy player has mostly sucked ever since Rojo cursed him as his first pick.  I call it how I see it, Greg.

—ROUND 6 (21)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

MOONINITEZ:  Vincent Velasquez (203),  Dexter Fowler (207),  and Gerardo Parra (209).

TOOTIN MY OWN HORN ONCE AGAIN.  Dexter Fowler is a leadoff man that can go 15/15 and score 100 runs because Cubs.  Gerardo Parra is now in Colorado (COoOoOoOors) and went 14/14 last year.  Last but not least, your National League Rookie of the Year Vincent Velasquez.  Cuz suck a dick Corey Seager.  It’s possible the Phillies do the wrong thing and start him in the minors but that would be a travesty, and I know “5th starter for a terrible team in the 6th round WAY TO GO SEAN” is what some of you are thinking but some of you have never won anything in your lives.  My name is all over that trophy that Mike is babysitting for this year’s champion and I say that Velasquez is a stud and shall be the Phils Opening Day starter in 2017 and shut up I win this round.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Connor:  Hisashi Iwakuma (208).

Iwakuma is notttt that good but is certainly that old.  Once again I feel I should maybe point out this is a dynasty league now.  BUT HEY AT LEAST YOU GOT ALL YOUR CLOSERS OUT OF THE WAY.  This fuckin’ guy.

—ROUND 7 (22)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Mikey T:  Jung Ho Kang (217),

Mikey T for maybe the first and last time in his entire life doesn’t disappoint me even a little bit, with this selection.  Jung Ho has a chance to be a top 5 SS in this, the last year he will ever be eligible at SS.  And then next year maybe he’s just a solid 3B.  Mikey T will have traded him for Scott Kazmir by then.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Ryan:  Brad Miller (216).

MEH.  And I say this as the guy that eventually traded for Brad Miller.  I like him, just maybe not quite this early.  And actually I hope I’m wrong and he goes 20/20 and then I look like a goddamned genius (for the trade not for this paragraph, this paragraph has a choppy sentence structure at best).

—ROUND 8 (23)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

MOONINITEZ:  Carlos Santana (223)

I am not going to point out this is a dynasty league this time, I shall instead point out this is an OBP league.  Carlos Santana should not still be around this late in an OBP league, particularly with some of the 1Bs you dandelions are rostering.  Fuckin’ right I just referred to you all as dainty little flowers.  I would do it again too.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Cliff:  Jay Bruce (230).

Jay Bruce Jay Blows.  Dicks.

—ROUND 9 (24)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Odom:  Elvis Andrus (238)

Odom gets biggest winner here just for finally getting a draft selection in.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Odom:  Elvis Andrus (238)

Unfortunately Odom is also the biggest loser for using his first pick of his last draft on Elvis Andrus.  aka the guy who will eventually be benched so that Ian Desmond doesn’t have to dick around in the outfield anymore.  Bad choice.  Friends tell friends the truth.

—ROUND 10 (25)—

BIGGEST WINNER WITH A GUN TO MY HEAD:

Heroy:  Jake Odorizzi (242), Denard Span (243).

This round was actually pretty visually displeasing.  When Odom rants against the draft and gets all salty about it he is going to point to this round I GUARANTEE IT.  But anyways Heroy takes the crown because Odorizzi just might become a nice little somethin’ somethin’ and Denard Span will once again be a useful fantasy contributor that gets dropped and added 85 times.  And also gets injured.  Definitely injured.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Rojo:  Jurickson Profar (249).

Fuck outta here with this guy….

—ROUND 11 (26)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Ryan:  Zack Wheeler (256)

Connor also did a nice job snagging Joe Ross in this round but I am so tired of that guy and his bullshit (Connor, not Joe Ross).  Ryan gets points for grabbing a possible future superstud here that he can just throw on his DL for the time being, again dynasty format folks.  Also I wanted to reward him for beating Cliff to the punch on a popular Met pitcher, a feat not to be taken lightly.

ROJO YOU LOSER:

Rojo:  Jorge Alfaro (252).

Fuck outta here with your catcher prospects….

—ROUND 12 (27)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Connor:  Marcus Semien (268)

Andddd this post has officially gone on for far FAR too long as I am praising Connor now.  But yea, Marcus Semien is a stud and the guy Odom should have drafted two rounds ago if he wanted a shortstop so goddamn bad and the guy a lot of you should have drafted instead of other guys that you drafted.  There’s numbers to back this statement up go look em up.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Me:  Seung Hwan Oh (267).

So I drafted a minors-eligible mediocre holds guy and no I’m not terribly proud of it but evidently it’s against MLB policy for a guy to pop off some shots in his garage and so I have to work within the system we have created here.  This move may be the steal of the draft at some point.  Note:  Really unlikely.

—ROUND 13 (28)—

BIGGEST WINNER I guess:

Cliff:  Yasmani Grandal (270)

Cliff stays all about that late round value by grabbing Yasmani Grandal, who is a very good hitter who played pretty banged up in the second half last year and apparently nobody else had access to his medical records the way Cliff did and so he falls farther than he should have fallen.  Unfortunately having at least one catcher is still mandatory in this league just so Heroy can prance around all proud of Buster Posey.

BIGGEST LOSER I guess but it’s kinda whatever at this point right?:

Odom:  Yasmany Tomas (276).

IRONICALLY this was a guy Cliff took entirely too early last year, but this is this year and this year I don’t think he should have even been drafted.  AGAIN I SAY IT OUT OF LOVE, but Jesus Odom when one has but a few draft picks one does not make Yasmany Tomas one of those few.  Also how awesome is it that I got two Yasmani(y)s in the same round?  It’s pretty awesome.

—ROUND 14 (29)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Cliff:  Curtis Granderson  (287)

Lobman also did well by snaring AJ Reed here but firstly I think we can all agree fuck that guy and secondly Cliff getting Curtis Granderson all the way back here is pretty damn good value.  Curtis Granderson is like the third best hitter on the Mets.  You heard it here first no need to fact check.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Ryan:  Javier Baez (283).

Ryan enough is e-fucking-nough with this guy.  Even Javier’s own abuela (SPANISH FOR GRANDMOTHER!) doesn’t believe in him at this point, nor does she see a path to playing time.

—ROUND 15 (30)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Brian:  Jose Peraza (298)

FUN ROUND since it was like four picks and nobody was really paying attention.  I believe Rojo was already napping in a hyperbaric chamber for an hour and a half at this point.  Anyways Brian took a guy with a helluva lotta (or at least a little bit of) upside and nobody else did.  Kudos to Brian for staying focused even whilst drowning in a sea of fantasy baseball magazines.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Odom:  Jim Johnson (291).

In a way though, we all won with this selection.  TRUST THE PROCESS.

And there it is.  Clear and unbiased and unquestioned biggest winners and losers for all 15 rounds of our final “Backyard” draft.  Tune in next time when I write something shorter maybe.  Worst of luck to all of you this year.  THE MOON RULEZ.

mooninites_by_dangerdalton

Overly Long Overly Critical Entirely Necessary Draft Review