Back one day later to once again talk some HOT FUCKING STOVE*.  Fair readers, the tips lines have been blowing up with additional reports of the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club working the trade wires BASICALLY WITH ANY OTHER OWNER WITH A PULSE.  No discernible restraint anywhere to be found, their team owner just trade chattin’ his days away as if there’s no sanctity in the idea of only negotiating with one partner at a time these days.  DISGUSTING.  Also rumors abound of a toolsy young owner that might make that loathsome oaf of an owner Connor expendable.  On to the rumor mill…..

THE OCEANGATE TROUT FISHING CLUB MIGHT AS WELL GO FISHING FOR DICKS LIKE THE WHORES THAT THEY ARE….

Sources inside negotiations tell me that MUCH LIKE THE ALREADY AGREED UPON TO THE POINT THAT NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO BACK OUT NOW uhhhh rumored deal between the OGTFC and The MooniniteZ of Main Street, MUCH LIKE THAT DEAL, discussions are ongoing between the Fishing Club and the Banana Slugs and these discussions are of a Slugs arm for a Fishing Club bat variety.  Now I don’t even NEED to question sources to know that the Banana Slugs are probably dangling their sham of a Cy Young winner in negotiations, because that’s what you do when you have a shame of a Cy Young winner.  Rick Porcello no doubt had a great year last year, nobody is denying this.  But you don’t get to buy Porcello’s 2016, you must instead buy his 2017 (and beyond).  And this writer thinks his 2016 was not a harbinger of great seasons still to come but rather a convergence of luck (wins are almost entirely luck, abnormally low BABIP, abnormally high strand rate) and shitty voting by baseball writers, whom excel at shitty voting.

Now this in itself might be enough to make another trade partner take a Louisville Slugger to both headlights BUT OH THERE IS MORE, sources confirm the Trout Fishing Club is also in active (although likely slow and methodical) discussions with the Springfield Isotopes as well.  Details are scarce beyond that, regarding these negotiations, but JUST GROSS.  JUST.  GROSS.  If Fishing Club ownership just wants to go TRAMPSING ALL OVER TOWN that is their business, I guess, let’s just hope FOR THE SAKE OF THE LEAGUE that the sanctity of a man’s word remains intact when the dust settles.  Or else someone else might have to get drunk and break a whole bunch of stuff and expose himself at said man’s wedding.

UNSEXY UNLOVED BY EVEN HIS OWN FAMILY CONNOR OUT, SHINIER SEXIER NEW OWNER IN?

In other HOT FUCKING STOVE* news, a source that I definitely didn’t make up claims New Commissioner Michael C. Odom might be strongly considering replacing children’s fairy tale villian and team owner Robert Connor (or whatever his fucking name is) with a tools-y young owner that in time could develop into a solid contributor at the Backyard League level.  Citing Connor’s non-participation in the (VERY FRIENDLY AND WELCOMING) league chat, as well as concerns that he might devour Mike and Ryan’s newborn children in their sleep, sources tell me Commissioner Odom has stated he will “explore possible replacements every singly day forever and that Connor (and by extension Mikey T) should never for one day feel comfortable with his place in the league because it is forever on notice and this is not at all a fake quote.”  End quote.

*TO SEE YOUR TEAM’S NEGOTIATIONS FEATURED IN THE NEXT EDITION OF THE HOT FUCKING STOVE, SIMPLY BETRAY THE TRUST OF A POTENTIAL TRADING PARTNER BY EMAILING SOME DETAILS (OR A LOT OF DETAILS!) ABOUT ONGOING NEGOTIATIONS TO *REDACTED*       Note:  Latter portion of this week’s Hot Stove can also be filed under Troll Series B-Side (#TrollinMikeyT).

…..WITH SPECIAL GUEST SEAN MCLAUGHLIN

HERE IS A FUN ONE, on the day of the MLB trade deadline…..Odom valiantly committed himself to write a bit of a trade deadline handbook for this blog’s loyal 2.5 readers, and he got to a certain point before saying fuck it.  SO I am going to publish up until the point of “fuck it” and then perhaps edit in/add a bit of my own insights (look for the italics) here and there and VOILA, a whole goddamn article.  It is this kind of lazy teamwork that made history folks….. ON TO ODOM’S HALF-FINISHED HANDBOOK. 

 

Things to consider when trading:
– We will be embarking on a new dynasty format for the 2017 offseason, and as of now it looks like every player on your roster will be eligible to stay on for 2017.

– In all likelihood, there will be some sort of change to the minor league structure. Some of the current spots that allow 50 IP or 130 ABs will likely be replaced by 0 or 0 AB players, aka true prospects. Deep stashes should gain a slight uptick in value for 2016 trades due to this.

– The trade deadline is August 5th at noon, or 9 AM if you’re Mike Odom.

Here are the guys you shouldn’t even bother asking about, team by team (lolz watch how many of these guys have probably already been traded). This is based off of my extensive knowledge of the league’s GMs and from trade talks, so take it as you may.

X-Rayz: Chapman, Archer, Price, Betances, Hamilton, Mallex.

Moonz: Eazy E, Arenado (this means you Mikey T), DeShields (edit:  DROPPED 😦  due to spotty playing time), Carpenter, Kenley, McCullers, Miller.  (edit:  I mean you can ask on most of these guys, I will just politely decline 98% of all offers [edit: maybe 100%])

Cuban Missiles: Abreu (L: NOPE), Machado, Bogaerts, Harper, Stanton, Puig (L: NOPE), his young missile arms in training.

Isotopes: Anyone of value, jk jk (just kidding just kinda), Miggy, Cano, Longo, Pedroia, Freeman, Piscotty, Chris Davis (edit:  TRADED), Lester (edit:  AVAILABLE), Hamels (edit:  PROBABLY AVAILABLE), Dallas. (edit: what is Dallas Keuchel like fucking Cher now?  NO.  No he is not.)

Rojo’s Empire: Goldy, Beltre, Nelly Cruz, Schwarber (edit:  SHOULD BE TRADED), Darvish, Cueto.

Sluggies: Donaldson, Story, Marte, Scherzer, Arrieta, probablyyyy Grienke.

Pride of Pine Lake: Correa, Springer, Moncada, Sale, Strasburg, Felix, Kershaw.

Fishing Club: Posey, Rizzo, Bryant, Seager, Trout, Mookie, McCutch, Jose Fernandez, Aaron Sanchez.

Bulldogs: Lindor, All Mets, Daniel Murphy, I’d hope Dansby Swanson, Salazar, Bummy. (edit:  it’s entirely possible Cliff doesn’t check offers, equally possible he gets BOOTED outta here next year).

Connor: Altuve (I’ve inquired IN PERSON..will never happen he said), basically everyone else because Connor is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with if you’re not Mikey T.  (edit:  BURNED)

Now let’s just throw some shit at the wall because WHY NOT…trades I think should happen are as follows:
– Rojo, in desperate need of a CF, acquires one from Ryan, who has one too many CFs for a legal Backyard roster.
–

AND THAT is as far as Odom got, but a half-finished handbook is as sad as a half-finished handjob (or any handjob really) so we need to expand upon this a teensy tiny bit.  So now I will NAME NAMES and highlight a few potential deals, which will pretty much ensure that said deals never happen.  Like so….

-Mikey T, finally accepting his team’s ultimate fate for this season, parts with David Phelps 4 weeks too late.  For whatever he can possibly get for him.

-Mikey T BREAKS HIS OWN HEART by at least entertaining multiplayer offers for Miguel Cabrera while he still has some COT DAMN value, all the while knowing he can hand the 1B spot over to the Freddie Freeman that he STOLE from the Cuban Missiles.

-Rojo, in need of another impact bat but also in need of some freakinggg bullpen balance, expands upon the deal Odom hinted at above by including Kyle Schwarber (and possibly Gallo) in a deal with Ryan for an OF, David Robertson, and Will Harris.  WIN NOW MOTHERFUCKERS (and stop punting a category).

-Connor recognizes a career year when he COT DAMN sees one, while also recognizing 2016 ain’t his, and sells off Trumbo to AN ACTUAL CONTENDER for the best minors eligible talent he can find.

AND THAT IS ALL I FEEL LIKE WRITING.  Damn fine work on all sides.  Happy trading, everyone.