HOT FUCKING STOVE: HEROY IS A WHORE EDITION

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Official Hot Fucking Stove logo/what happens to team owners who back out of agreed upon trade deals.

Back one day later to once again talk some HOT FUCKING STOVE*.  Fair readers, the tips lines have been blowing up with additional reports of the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club working the trade wires BASICALLY WITH ANY OTHER OWNER WITH A PULSE.  No discernible restraint anywhere to be found, their team owner just trade chattin’ his days away as if there’s no sanctity in the idea of only negotiating with one partner at a time these days.  DISGUSTING.  Also rumors abound of a toolsy young owner that might make that loathsome oaf of an owner Connor expendable.  On to the rumor mill…..

THE OCEANGATE TROUT FISHING CLUB MIGHT AS WELL GO FISHING FOR DICKS LIKE THE WHORES THAT THEY ARE….

Sources inside negotiations tell me that MUCH LIKE THE ALREADY AGREED UPON TO THE POINT THAT NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO BACK OUT NOW uhhhh rumored deal between the OGTFC and The MooniniteZ of Main Street, MUCH LIKE THAT DEAL, discussions are ongoing between the Fishing Club and the Banana Slugs and these discussions are of a Slugs arm for a Fishing Club bat variety.  Now I don’t even NEED to question sources to know that the Banana Slugs are probably dangling their sham of a Cy Young winner in negotiations, because that’s what you do when you have a shame of a Cy Young winner.  Rick Porcello no doubt had a great year last year, nobody is denying this.  But you don’t get to buy Porcello’s 2016, you must instead buy his 2017 (and beyond).  And this writer thinks his 2016 was not a harbinger of great seasons still to come but rather a convergence of luck (wins are almost entirely luck, abnormally low BABIP, abnormally high strand rate) and shitty voting by baseball writers, whom excel at shitty voting.

Now this in itself might be enough to make another trade partner take a Louisville Slugger to both headlights BUT OH THERE IS MORE, sources confirm the Trout Fishing Club is also in active (although likely slow and methodical) discussions with the Springfield Isotopes as well.  Details are scarce beyond that, regarding these negotiations, but JUST GROSS.  JUST.  GROSS.  If Fishing Club ownership just wants to go TRAMPSING ALL OVER TOWN that is their business, I guess, let’s just hope FOR THE SAKE OF THE LEAGUE that the sanctity of a man’s word remains intact when the dust settles.  Or else someone else might have to get drunk and break a whole bunch of stuff and expose himself at said man’s wedding.

UNSEXY UNLOVED BY EVEN HIS OWN FAMILY CONNOR OUT, SHINIER SEXIER NEW OWNER IN?

In other HOT FUCKING STOVE* news, a source that I definitely didn’t make up claims New Commissioner Michael C. Odom might be strongly considering replacing children’s fairy tale villian and team owner Robert Connor (or whatever his fucking name is) with a tools-y young owner that in time could develop into a solid contributor at the Backyard League level.  Citing Connor’s non-participation in the (VERY FRIENDLY AND WELCOMING) league chat, as well as concerns that he might devour Mike and Ryan’s newborn children in their sleep, sources tell me Commissioner Odom has stated he will “explore possible replacements every singly day forever and that Connor (and by extension Mikey T) should never for one day feel comfortable with his place in the league because it is forever on notice and this is not at all a fake quote.”  End quote.

*TO SEE YOUR TEAM’S NEGOTIATIONS FEATURED IN THE NEXT EDITION OF THE HOT FUCKING STOVE, SIMPLY BETRAY THE TRUST OF A POTENTIAL TRADING PARTNER BY EMAILING SOME DETAILS (OR A LOT OF DETAILS!) ABOUT ONGOING NEGOTIATIONS TO SEMCLAUG19@GMAIL.COM       Note:  Latter portion of this week’s Hot Stove can also be filed under Troll Series B-Side (#TrollinMikeyT).
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Connor File Photo
HOT FUCKING STOVE: HEROY IS A WHORE EDITION

HOT FUCKING STOVE: The OGTFC And The MooniniteZ Cooking Up A Deal?

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Not gonna lie I pretty much only want to write about hot stove shit so I can use this image……. LONG LIVE THE SHIELD

Gonna take a brief break from the Troll Series to TALK SOME HOT FUCKING STOVE.  I think generally the way this might work will be this:  I shall use these little posts to talk about trades both rumored and already accepted (and thus already heavily critiqued by the entire rest of the league because that’s what we do here).  Rumored trade information will be reliant upon snitches within the negotiations tipping me off, so feel free to send me any info you may have  BOTH REAL AND FAKE.  I say this because I have already calculated that this could devolve into me being used like a WHORE, not unlike what Adam Schefter does every day of his life or not unlike when agents say they have “several teams” vying for their clients when in fact nobody wants their fucking clients.  The fact of the matter is I would probably be comfortable being a whore and writing up some smokescreens (unless I sniff them out super easily in which case I will yell at you, Mikey T, so RESPECT THE CRAFT), so feel free to do it that way.

The beauty of this first installment is that IT IS ACTUALLY PART TROLL (Troll Series B-Side) because I am one half of this trade, and it has been fully agreed upon, but I am still going to write about it in annoyingly speculative fashion as if I don’t know all the players involved.  But rest assured there are players and they are involved and I know all of them and it is a completed deal merely awaiting league re-opening (full analysis of the deal will likely follow the actual processing of said deal).

Let’s get our first rumor style hot stove post out of the way SHALL WE?!  Need to get my sea legs under me on these things.  Side note I think I am going to use even more caps lock than usual cuz that’s just good rumorin’……

The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club and the Main Street MooniniteZ ARE COOKIN’ FOLKS

A source inside these negotiations claims a deal has been struck, possibly (definitely) with as many as 6 players (and/or prospects?) changing hands.  THAT SAME SOURCE claims MooniniteZ ownership has long been weary of certain sections of their lineup (COUGHoutfieldCOUGH) and was seeking possible upgrades (COUGHupgradestotheoutfieldCOUGH) to their offense.  One doesn’t even NEED a source to speculate that there might be some uncertainty on OGTFC ownership’s behalf surrounding the pitching staff, due in part to an inability to keep their ace pitcher alive.  But also DO IN ANOTHER PART to the hard-hitting expose about the potential for every last one of the OGTFC’s young pitchers to not “put it all together” FEATURED ON THIS VERY SITE.  Combine those concerns with the fact that the Trout Fishing Club possesses a wealth of offensive talent pretty much across the positional landscape and it would certainly be fair to speculate, particularly as someone involved in the trade that doesn’t need to speculate at all, that some sort of swap of OGTFC’s offense for pitching is where these two teams have found a fit.  For the Trout Fishing Club there may also be an added incentive to avoid a sort of post-championship complacency when it comes to one evaluating one’s own roster, although recent teams have shown a willingness to tinker with championship rosters almost immediately FOR BETTER OR WORSE.  2015 champion Mike Lobman endured much criticism for a perceived teardown following his championship season, and then returned to the championship game the very next season in direct defiance of that criticism.  But still, I mean fuck Lobman right?  A source inside negotiations between Heroy and I said “fuck Lobman.”

IF NOTHING ELSE, give the Fishing Club some fishing credit for being willing to pull the trigger on a deal that sources inside the negotiations say could perhaps best be described as our league’s most recent champions dealing from depth in an attempt to shore up a relative (relative to the OGTFC’s impressive offense, to be fair) weakness.  Once deals are finalized there can be much discussion about the risk vs. reward that each club is calculating in the deal, but for now I think I speak for all owners when I just applaud Heroy and myself……..GIVE ME AND HIM YOUR APPLAUSE AND ADULATION. For we have officially fired up the HOT FUCKING STOVE* while the rest of you are sitting around and not reaching deals like a bunch of little girls.

*to see your team’s negotiations featured in the next edition of the Hot Fucking Stove, simply betray the trust of a potential trading partner by emailing some details (OR A LOT OF DETAILS!) about ongoing negotiations to semclaug19@gmail.com
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if there was a “FUCKING” in the middle here maybe this would have had a shot at the official logo but alas……there is not (also this is some sort of official MLB.com logo and we will probably get sued over it)
HOT FUCKING STOVE: The OGTFC And The MooniniteZ Cooking Up A Deal?

Stirring (and Smoking) The Pot: A HALF-FINISHED/HALF-BAKED Trade Deadline Handbook by Mike Odom….

…..WITH SPECIAL GUEST SEAN MCLAUGHLIN

HERE IS A FUN ONE, on the day of the MLB trade deadline…..Odom valiantly committed himself to write a bit of a trade deadline handbook for this blog’s loyal 2.5 readers, and he got to a certain point before saying fuck it.  SO I am going to publish up until the point of “fuck it” and then perhaps edit in/add a bit of my own insights (look for the italics) here and there and VOILA, a whole goddamn article.  It is this kind of lazy teamwork that made history folks….. ON TO ODOM’S HALF-FINISHED HANDBOOK. 

 

Things to consider when trading:
– We will be embarking on a new dynasty format for the 2017 offseason, and as of now it looks like every player on your roster will be eligible to stay on for 2017.

– In all likelihood, there will be some sort of change to the minor league structure. Some of the current spots that allow 50 IP or 130 ABs will likely be replaced by 0 or 0 AB players, aka true prospects. Deep stashes should gain a slight uptick in value for 2016 trades due to this.

– The trade deadline is August 5th at noon, or 9 AM if you’re Mike Odom.

Here are the guys you shouldn’t even bother asking about, team by team (lolz watch how many of these guys have probably already been traded). This is based off of my extensive knowledge of the league’s GMs and from trade talks, so take it as you may.

X-Rayz: Chapman, Archer, Price, Betances, Hamilton, Mallex.

Moonz: Eazy E, Arenado (this means you Mikey T), DeShields (edit:  DROPPED 😦  due to spotty playing time), Carpenter, Kenley, McCullers, Miller.  (edit:  I mean you can ask on most of these guys, I will just politely decline 98% of all offers [edit: maybe 100%])

Cuban Missiles: Abreu (L: NOPE), Machado, Bogaerts, Harper, Stanton, Puig (L: NOPE), his young missile arms in training.

Isotopes: Anyone of value, jk jk (just kidding just kinda), Miggy, Cano, Longo, Pedroia, Freeman, Piscotty, Chris Davis (edit:  TRADED), Lester (edit:  AVAILABLE), Hamels (edit:  PROBABLY AVAILABLE), Dallas. (edit: what is Dallas Keuchel like fucking Cher now?  NO.  No he is not.)

Rojo’s Empire: Goldy, Beltre, Nelly Cruz, Schwarber (edit:  SHOULD BE TRADED), Darvish, Cueto.

Sluggies: Donaldson, Story, Marte, Scherzer, Arrieta, probablyyyy Grienke.

Pride of Pine Lake: Correa, Springer, Moncada, Sale, Strasburg, Felix, Kershaw.

Fishing Club: Posey, Rizzo, Bryant, Seager, Trout, Mookie, McCutch, Jose Fernandez, Aaron Sanchez.

Bulldogs: Lindor, All Mets, Daniel Murphy, I’d hope Dansby Swanson, Salazar, Bummy. (edit:  it’s entirely possible Cliff doesn’t check offers, equally possible he gets BOOTED outta here next year).

Connor: Altuve (I’ve inquired IN PERSON..will never happen he said), basically everyone else because Connor is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with if you’re not Mikey T.  (edit:  BURNED)

Now let’s just throw some shit at the wall because WHY NOT…trades I think should happen are as follows:
– Rojo, in desperate need of a CF, acquires one from Ryan, who has one too many CFs for a legal Backyard roster.

AND THAT is as far as Odom got, but a half-finished handbook is as sad as a half-finished handjob (or any handjob really) so we need to expand upon this a teensy tiny bit.  So now I will NAME NAMES and highlight a few potential deals, which will pretty much ensure that said deals never happen.  Like so….

-Mikey T, finally accepting his team’s ultimate fate for this season, parts with David Phelps 4 weeks too late.  For whatever he can possibly get for him.

-Mikey T BREAKS HIS OWN HEART by at least entertaining multiplayer offers for Miguel Cabrera while he still has some COT DAMN value, all the while knowing he can hand the 1B spot over to the Freddie Freeman that he STOLE from the Cuban Missiles.

-Rojo, in need of another impact bat but also in need of some freakinggg bullpen balance, expands upon the deal Odom hinted at above by including Kyle Schwarber (and possibly Gallo) in a deal with Ryan for an OF, David Robertson, and Will Harris.  WIN NOW MOTHERFUCKERS (and stop punting a category).

-Connor recognizes a career year when he COT DAMN sees one, while also recognizing 2016 ain’t his, and sells off Trumbo to AN ACTUAL CONTENDER for the best minors eligible talent he can find.

AND THAT IS ALL I FEEL LIKE WRITING.  Damn fine work on all sides.  Happy trading, everyone.

 

Stirring (and Smoking) The Pot: A HALF-FINISHED/HALF-BAKED Trade Deadline Handbook by Mike Odom….