2017 WEEK 11 REVIEW: OFFENSIVE CARNAGE EDITION

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WEEK 11 SAW A REALLLLLLL POWER BOON IN THE BACKYARD (AND AT LEAST ONE JROLL!) AS THREE TEAMS RACKED UP 20+ HOME RUNS, WHICH PROBABLY HASN’T HAPPENED SINCE BACK WHEN EVERYONE WAS ON STEROIDS? I DUNNO FEELS RARE FOR THE BACKYARD. PERHAPS ON A RELATED NOTE, MOST TEAMS ERAS WERE HORRIBLE. PERHAPS ON AN UNRELATED BUT IMPORTANT TO WATCH NOTE, THE FRANCHISES BELONGING TO THE FORMER CO-OWNERS OF THAT DYNASTY I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT ARE RED FUCKING HOT. OR AT LEAST WHAT PASSES FOR RED HOT IN THIS PARTICULARLY TIGHT PLAYOFF RACE OF A SEASON. IN A RELATED NOTE, WE ARE NEARLY TWO THIRDS THROUGH THE REGULAR SEASON. BUT WHATEVER LET’S LOOK AT WEEK 11 FIRST…..

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Point Loma X-Rayz DOMINATE The Toms River Titans And They Wanted Me To Point Out Here That Point Loma Is A Nicer Place Than Toms River But Get The Fuck Over Yourselves Most Places Are A Nicer Place Than Toms River We Get It  –  12-2-0

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MVP:  Jose Ramirez  –  Hooooo boy did Jose Ramirez have himself a fucking week, something he shares in common with several other X-Rayz teammates. But Jose had the best week of em all, I think, based off a cursory glance here and based off his 11 XBH. Plus that’s a lovely t-shirt.  16/31, 9 Rs, EIGHT 2Bs, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, 1 SB, .545 OBP      ***MVP OF THE WEEK***     

LVP:  JT Realmuto    On the opposite end of the spectrum you have JT Realmuto and his 1 XBH and his overall DISAPPOINTING week. Was he a “Hitter of Note” last week or something? I feel like this is becoming a thing where I write a guys name for a good thing one week and then the next week they end up sucking. A CURSE. A curse of small sample size variations.  3/17, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI, .222 OBP     

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Quite frankly there were lots of them because the X-Rayz offense had themselves a week like they probably haven’t seen in years, at least in the dinger department, but let’s highlight Lorenzo Cain who continues to perform with a certain “fuck you Mikey T” chip on his shoulder (11/24, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, 2 SBs, .519 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  And then there is Jason Vargas, who continues to perform which is just weird enough on his own THE GUY HAS 10 WINS ALREADY ON A PRETTY BAD TEAM AND SHIT (13 IP, 4 ER, 9 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 2.77 ERA).

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  Carlos Correa had a decent week but heeee was nearly the only one, which isn’t ideal (9/23, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, .462 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  Stephen Strasburg failed to turn in a QS in either of his 2 starts last week and the Titans should panic and look to trade him to a willing suitor immediately (10.1 IP, 8 ER, 15 Ks, 1 W, 6.97 ERA).

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XRAYZ OFFENSE XPLOSION here gentlemen, as our pals from Point Loma set the Runs record (and handily won that cat 64-39) and tied the Doubles record (and handily won that cat 25-15) for the 2017 season. Matchups with the TR Titans often focus on the pitching side of things but what this one realllllly comes down to is one team having having arguably the strongest offensive showing of the week while the other team had arguably the weakest offensive showing of the week. THAT IS GENERALLY NOT GOING TO GO WELL FOR THE WEAK OFFENSIVE SHOWING TEAM. And that is precisely what happened here, as the Titans conceded all 7 offensive cats to the the X-Rayz on their way to a blowout L. To add insult to injury the pitching staff was all sort of fucked up for TR as well, pitching to 7 Wins (X-Rayz would win the cat 8-7) and 1 CG (one of the two cats the Titans won, the other being Holds [also won with 1]) but also putting up a 6.411 ERA. But enough about what the Titans failed to do, let’s look at what the X-Rayz managed to do:  nothing short of their FINEST power week probably of all time, as one of the THREE TEAMS that cleared 20+ HRs in Week 11 (21 for the X-Rayz, tied for 2nd most in the week). The X-Rayz also pitched to a solid 3.857 ERA in a week where most teams struggled to keep it under 5 let alone 4, and all around just an all around impressive performance from Point Loma. Which is what you want to see when you are winning your 4th straight matchup, STILL TRENDING UP. The Point Loma X-Rayz will look to continue trending up when they seek their FIFTH STRAIGHT win in Week 12, the Toms River Titans will look to avoid dropping their third straight as there is getting to be fewer and fewer weeks remaining for those teams looking to make a push into the playoffs. CLEARLY. Cuz that’s how this thing works.

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Next Week aka This Week:  X-Rayz v. Isotopes (An IMPORTANT battle for playoff positioning kinda, because I guess we will start seeing those sorts of battles at this juncture), Titans v. Renegade Force (An IMPORTANT battle because I may just declare the loser out of the playoff race in next week’s review and advise them to sell all their aging stars and start planning for 2018) 

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Astoria Isotopes Continue To Slug Their Way To Victories, This One’s Over The Slugs  –  10-3-1

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MVP:  Cody Bellinger  –  Cody Bellinger is slugggggggggin, MAN is he sluggin’ to start his MLB career here. And MAN am I annoyed that he is doing it for the Isotopes. I have half a mind to offer Arenado for him just to end this madness.  9/27, 7 Rs, 3 2Bs, 4 HRs, 8 RBIs, .400 OBP    

LVP:  Josh Donaldson    WEIRDLY EMPTY stat line for JDon, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen out of him. But here it is, a whole lot of NOTHIN but 4 singles and 3 walks.  4/18, .333 OBP     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***     

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Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  This has been like our usual “let’s check in on Aaron Judge” segment so YEA let’s check in on that guy (7/27, 6 Rs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, 1 SB, .412 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  Wanted to take the ‘Topes down a peg by checking in on someone that did terrible here but aside from Melancon allowed that Arenado cycle nobody looked allll that bad, so fine look Jose Berrios had a nice start too YAY YOUTHFUL ISOTOPES (8 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 2.25 ERA).

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Slugs Hitter Of Note:  In the good news for the Barnegat Banana Slugs Dept. uhhh I guess Jonathon Schoop is having an okay year (9/25, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .433 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  WHO CARES I dropped Aledmys, partly just to put an end to this madness. 

Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  And nowwww it is my distinct pleasure to announce that Rick Porcello sucked last week and has sucked and/or been unlucky for most of the year let’s go with sucked fuck him (12 IP, 12 ER, 7 Ks, 9.00 ERA).

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These DAMNED ‘Topes and their DAMNED youthful contributions. What can really be said here Judge continues to do Judge things and Bellinger is developing into a realllll monster and there is just EXCITEMENT IN THE AIR in Astoria. Like in the matchup discussed above, the Isotopes did themselves a real solid by going out and sweeping the offensive cats in their Week 11 matchup, not necessarily surprising for a team near the top of most offensive categories taking on a team near the bottom but STILL small sample size yada yada yada clearly Barnegat would have liked to grab an offensive cat or two here. They grabbed none, and they pitched to a league-worst 6.868 ERA (the ‘Topes pitched to a league-second-best 3.687) which didn’t help the QS and Wins categories none and so Astoria took those cats as well. ALOTTA CATS went to Astoria, is what I am saying, cuz they won. Mediocre bullpen work on their part did, however, allow the Barnegat Banana Slugs to win both Saves (2-1) and Holds (4-2) but yanno whatever it happens. This victory gave the Isotopes the Season Series Sweep over the Banana Slugs and allowed them to leapfrog them in the standings, with the Isotopes currently in place as the #5 seed and the Banana Slugs dropping down to the #6 seed. so IMPORTANT PLAYOFF JOCKEYING NOW TAKING PLACE, as early as Week 11. Fun stuff. In Week 12 the Isotopes will be seeking a 3rd straight win, the Banana Slugs will look to get back to getting Ws following a 1-3 stretch over their last 4 that has seen them drop from 4th to 6th in the playoff standings.

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Next Week aka This Week:   Isotopes v. X-Rayz (Read above for my thoughts on this matchup, WHY DO I EVEN WRITE THIS PART shit gets repetitive CHANGES COMING)Banana Slugs v. BDSliderz (Battle of 5-5-1s, his Dochness looking to stop a 4 week slide)

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I don’t know how many more times I will get the chance to give EE an MVP so we need to parrot now, wrong team jersey be damned…..

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Manchester MooniniteZ Do What The First Place Team Is Supposed To Do When Playing The Last Place Team, Defeat Q-Tip City Morning Wood  –  10-4-0

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MVP:  Edwin Encarnacion  –  Edwin’s demise has been greatly exaggerated, KINDA LIKE WHAT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR. But yes Edwin had a slow April and yes we were the teensiest tiniest bit worried maybe for a second there but worried no more, over the last 30 days he’s been the best hitter in baseball not named Aaron Judge and in June he’s been the best hitter period.  Hi to his haters (Heroy).  9/23, 10 Rs, 4 HRs, 10 RBIs, .545 OBP      

LVP:  Brandon Belt    Brandon WHAT HAPPENED HERE? Brandon Belt did not get a hit last week but still did enough to avoid LVP for the week, the Backyard Championship League is wacky like that. Have we settled on BCL as a thing? We need to settle on something as the formal version of “the Backyard” someone fetch me a poll question.  0/16, 1 R, 1 SB, .158 OBP     

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  NOLAN CYCLENADO NOLAN JROLLENADO NOLAN ARENADO whatever you wanna call him, he had one of the greatest cycles of all time Sunday and also had a JROLL in Week 11 and sadly even with all of that I couldn’t vault him over Eazy E for MVP of this matchup (13/33, 4 Rs, 5 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 9 RBIs, 1 SB, .394 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  Jimmy Nelson earned himself a long leash in the MooniniteZ rotation by FINALLY getting us the CG we craved, we only wanted one we aren’t greedy (14 IP, 4 ER, 14 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 2.45 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  The Morning Wood offense finally showed signs of life in Week 11 and Logan Morrison was right at the forefront of that uhhh signage (7/20, 7 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 9 RBIs, .458 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  And let’s keep thaaaangs positive, QTC started 12 so I don’t need to yell at them so I can instead point out that Carlos Martinez has been very good and very good for them and good for them (6 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.50 ERA).

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ABOUT. What could be expected when a team that hasn’t won since April takes on a team that hasn’t lost in a month and change. The team that hasn’t lost in a month and change still hasn’t lost, is what happened. Manchester (I guess Q-Tip City is also Manchester HOW CONFUSING) continued their hot streak here, fueled by a 57 R, 21 HR, 66 RBI offensive performance that helped make up for a pretttttty mediocre performance on the pitching portion (Jimmy Nelson Complete Game aside). Q-Tip City actually put up as strong of an offensive performance as they’ve mustered in MANY WEEKS (probably), winning the Doubles cat (20-17) and hitting 14 HRs (their highest total since they hit 17 in their last W in Week 2). But ALAS the MooniniteZ are hot, and their week-leading .3859 OBP helped key a 6 outta 7 cat win on offense that was enough to mask some unpleasantness on the pitching side of things (only 3 QS 3 Ws). Which isn’t to say pitching was all bad, their 77 Strikeouts were good enough and Nelson chipped in a CG and they amassed a league-leading 8 Saves (and even a shitty 4.838 ERA bested QTC’s even shittier 4.909). But whatever, I think we have discussed this matchup enough and we aren’t trying to talk about it so much as be about it, if you catch my drift. The Manchester MooniniteZ will seek to continue to BE ABOUT IT when they look for their SIXTH STRAIGHT WIN in Week 12 (last year the MooniniteZ set the season record with 8 straight TAKE NOTE), the Q-Tip City Morning Wood will look to win again at some point before the season concludes.

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Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. OGTFC (Guy With The Most Championshippy Record In 2017 v. 2016 Champion), Morning Wood v. Bad Dudes (LEAVE IT ALL ON THE COURT QTC what can I really say here….)

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OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Earn A Rare Non-Tie, Squeak Past Rojo’s Renegade Force For The W  –  7-6-1

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MVP:  Anthony Rizzo  –   Rizzo has actually been the THIRD best hitter in baseball over the past 30 days. Is something I learned. Just now.  So yea good on him.  10/24, 6 Rs,  Realllllllly tried to not give this one to Mookie Betts since I’m on this kick this week of being mean to the Red Sawks but just….couldn’t….do it. He was good and now the Sawks are playing better and it is just a sad thing.  12/31, 8 Rs, 4 2Bs, 3 HRs, 5 RBIs, 1 SB, .441 OBP

LVP:  The All Holds Strategy    This is partly because nobody on the team was that bad and partly because IT IS JUST TRUE. I mean look at this shit, the Fishing Club was actually out there TRYING to pick up holds guys and they could only must one and they also only mustered one save. If you flip the strategy and go all Saves and then just try and stream Holds on the weekend you are better off. I don’t think anybody can deny this. But what do I know I only have the best record over the past 2 years (mehhhh regular season wins mehhhh I’m Mikey T).  0 Saves    

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  That goddamned madman Trea Turner stole 4 bases on Sunday to help spark the OGTFC comeback so we are gonna highlight his numbers over the superior numbers of Anthony Rizzo cuz fuck why not (9/33, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, 5 SBs, .294 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  How’s about Archie Bradley racking up 2 Ws and a Hold in a mere 3.1 IP IS THAT NOT NOTABLE (3.1 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks, 2 Ws, 1 Hold, 0.00 ERA)?!

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RRF Hitter Of Note:  Like I said RRF hitters weren’t that bad they just weren’t good enough, but damned if scrappy little Chris Taylor didn’t try his best to pull out this W (7/21, 5 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 HR, 7 RBIs, 3 SBs, .391 OBP).

RRF Pitcher Of Note:   Masahiro Tanaka looked better for one game and then looked bad again but at least K’d 10 and I swear this motherfucker is the only pitcher I talk about for RRF I HAVE WRITTEN TOO MANY OF THESE STARTING TO GET TO ME (10.2 IP, 6 ER, 18 Ks, 1 QS, 5.06 ERA).

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Not gonna lie folks, there was a moment where this one looked DESTINED for a tie and I was like oh goddammit not a-fucking-gain. Well it turns out this one turned out farrrrr far worst, as our defending champeen snuck out the win and nobody ever wants the defending champeen to win. The OGTFC got it done in part because they were the THIRD team in Week 11 that was able to notch 20+ HRs, and the OGTFC were the cream of the crop of the league with 22 HRs. Those HRs combined with a strong OBP (.3775) and 9 Ws helped give the OGTFC the cats they needed to make a comeback on Sunday, but the reallllll story here was the Sunday SBs. The Fishing Club racked up 9 RBIs Sunday to 4 RBIs from Rojo’s Renegade Force (OGTFC would win RBIs 54-51) and that part was huge, but eeeeeven huger was the stolen base onslaught that managed them to grab them the lead in that cat. Rojo’s Renegade Force entered Sunday clinging to a 5-4 SB lead but 4 SBs from Trea Turner (and 2 other SBs from other fuckers) later and the OGTFC would end the week with a 10-5 edge in SBs. Andddd when George Springer failed to rack up the 2 doubles or 4 RBIs needed in the Sunday night game (he instead hit a solo HR), the OGTFC ended the week with a 7-6-1 edge overall. In Week 12 the OGTFC will look to STOP THE MOONINITEZ FREIGHT TRAIN and win their second in a row, as they continue to climb up the standings. Rojo’s Renegade Force will seek to avoid a 3rd straight loss that would put a reallll damper on playoff hopes.

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Next Week aka This Week:   OGTFC v. MooniniteZ, RRF v. Titans

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2017 WEEK 11 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY NABISCO’S LIMITED EDITION WAFFLES & SYRUP OREOS

 

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I dunno I tried ’em and they are pretty good, this blog doesn’t attract a lot of sponsors what can I say……

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River City Bad Dudes (Temporarily?) Right The Ship, Stop Losing Streak At 3, Extend Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Slide To 4 With Sunday Night Victory  –  6-5-3

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MVP:  Rougned Odor  –  ROUGNED ODOR JROLL. I didn’t properly celebrate the other JROLL from this week so we shall properly celebrate this one. The real MVPs were probably those that contributed in the Sunday night game but whatever we have Sawks bias here at the blog, plus Rougned has been awful so let’s give him a pat on the back and see if that’s just what he needs. He has been so piss poor that I am not going to use his picture however, and will instead use the ACTUAL JROLL himself. Baddddd motherfucker, that guy.  9/22, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs, 1 SB, .458 OBP

LVP:  Jedd Gyorko    Jedd Gyorko you didn’t do much, you jerko. I dunno someone needs to go here and your OBP sucked more than Bregman’s.  1/11, 2 Rs, .231 OBP

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  TRULY Xander Bogaerts was the MVP of this week, with a 2 dong Sunday night performance that should keep him in River City for a long time, but truly I don’t care about getting these things “right” or whatever so fuck him he goes here and I get to use a thug life Jimmy Rollins pic above (8/30, 3 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .313 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  WELCOME BACK Tyson Ross, you were not as good as Lester but you pitched in a real live game and I want to point it out because you used to be pretty damned good (5.2 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks, 1 W, 3.18 ERA).

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BDSliderz Wood Hitter Of Note:  Marcel Ozuna continues to be a bright spot for a MEH offense that certainly misses Freddie Freeman right about now (6/18, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs, .478 OBP).

BDSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  Good lord did Jacob DeGrom look good last week, prrrrrobably and probably definitely the best he’s looked all season SO THAT IS POSITIVE FOR LACEY (17 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 1 CG, 0.53 ERA).

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DAMMIT I really wanted this one to end in a tie, we are not anti-tie here we are just anti-OGTFC tie cuz enough is fucking enough. But ANYWAYS, this one had alternately gonna back and forth from a Bad Dudes lead to a BDSliderz lead to a tie to a BDSliderz (may be out of sequence) and thennnnnn we arrived upon Sunday night and the Sunday night game that usually accompanies Sunday night. As the game began the BackdoorSliderz were absolutely clinnnging to a 5-4-5 lead and Lobman had already sent out a bunch of “mehhh ya got me mehhhh good week” type messages in the chat, EVER THE HUMBLE LOSER. But unfortunately the fucking Red Sawks waltzed into the Sunday night game hellbent on spoiling the Bad Dudes loss for all of us. A Xander Bogaerts HR gave the Bad Dudes the lead in that cat (14-13) and gave this matchup a tie, and then combo of Bogaerts and Hanley Ramirez threatened to knot up the Runs category but ultimately fell short (BDSliderz would win Runs 51-50 thanks to a Jose Altuve run). UNFORTUNATELY that wasn’t the only trick the Bad Dudes had up their sleeve, and yes I guess I am now rooting for Lacey Twp in this matchup even though it is already over and I know how it ends. THE FAILURES OF THE ASTROS (special shoutout to Alex Bregman whom gave the BDSliderz nothing both in the Sunday night game and in all other games last week) left the door open for a Craig Kimbrel appearance, with Saves all knotted up at 2, and naturally Kimbrel did what he is good at and nailed the door shut and gave both the hated by me Red Sawks and the hated by everyone Bad Dudes victories. SAD! The Bad Dudes will look to continue righting their ship in Week 12, as a 3 week slide had helped drop them from 1st to 3rd. The Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz will head into a CRUCIAL battle with the Barnegat Banana Slugs having lost 4 straight, which has dropped them allllllll the way out of the current playoff picture (a win against Barnegat gets them right back in that bitch however). FUCKING FANTASY BASEBALL FOLKS, tis heating up in the Backyard.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Bad Dudes v. Morning Wood, BDSliderz v. Banana Slugs

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WEEK 11 OVER AKA THE WEEK BEFORE WEEK 12 AKA THE WEEK THAT WILL PUT US OFFICIALLY TWO THIRDS OF THE WAY THROUGH THE SEASON WHEN IT IS OVER. NORMALLY I WOULD SAY WE SHOULD SEE A TRADE DEADLINE IN THE NEAR FUTURE BUT YOU IDIOTS VOTED FOR ONE LIKE A MONTH AND CHANGE FROM NOW SO NONE OF THAT, JUST A LOTTTTTT OF TEAMS JOCKEYING FOR PLAYOFF POSITIONING WHILE WE WATCH FROM OUR IVORY TOWER ON THE MOON……WITH OUR TWO GAME LEAD……WHICH MIGHT AS WELL PUT US ON THE MOON GIVEN THE WAY THE REST OF YOU WILL DEVOUR YOURSELVES IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS. SUCK IT NERDZ.

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2017 WEEK 11 REVIEW: OFFENSIVE CARNAGE EDITION

2017 Week 10 Review: BACK FROM BONNAROO TO BULLY THE LEAGUE WITH BITING COMMENTARY BUT NOT REALLY CUZ I AM STILL KINDA TIRED EDITION

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All hail the body painting tent and its gifts……
WEEK 10 ALLEGEDLY JUST HAPPENED BUT I WAS IN SOME FIELD IN TENNESSEE TRYING TO RADIATE POSITIVITY OR WHATFUCKINGEVER BUT NO MATTER. BOTH THE LEAGUE AND THE MOONINITEZ WENT ON MOSTLY WITHOUT ME AND DID JUST FINE. LETS CHECK AND SEE HOW BOTH THE LEAGUE AND THE MOONINITEZ DID SHALL WE? NO JROLLS AGAIN!

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Manchester MooniniteZ MooniMURDER Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz And I Am Rusty On These Things But Yea This One Wasn’t Close  –  11-1-2

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MVP:  Gary Sanchez  –  El Gary got off to a slow start and then got injured and for a moment I kinda missed Yasmani Grandal but NOW…….now El Gary is back and back to doing his thing. Shall be the best fantasy catcher in the league by season’s end.  9/26, 9 Rs, 2 2Bs, 4 HRs, 13 RBIs, .393 OBP      ***MVP OF THE WEEK***     

LVP:  Carlos Santana    ‘Los socked a dinger but that’s about all he socked, other than that he socked sucked.  2/18, 1 HR, 1 RBI, .200 OBP     

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Joey Votto also had a helluva week in Week 10 but quite frankly so did a good chunk of the team and we can’t name drop em all now can we (11/27, 8 Rs, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, .448 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  When I say a good chunk of the team had a good week I am referring to the hitters, the pitchers were allllll hot garbage and were lead by the rook Dinelson Lamet regressing ALMOST IMMEDIATELY (8 IP, 14 ER, 9 Ks, 15.75 ERA).

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BDSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Marcell Ozuna gave me hell when this team was under previous ownership and he made a half-assed attempt to give me hell again but WAS NOT NEARLY GOOD ENOUGH sir (9/29, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 HR, 3 RBIs, .333 OBP).

BDSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  Old friend JA Happ returned to baseball in Week 10 and gave Lacey Twp one bad start and then one good start (11.1 IP, 5 ER, 12 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 3.97 ERA).

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Well HOT DAMN the MooniniteZ didn’t need much checking up on from their owner this week, as this will go down as the most impressive victory-whilst-attending-Bonnaroo that this league of old people will ever see (I include myself in the group here doubt I make it back). But yes what can be said here whatttttt…..can be…..said here. Lacey had the fewest Runs in the league in Week 10 while the MooniniteZ tied for the most (ergo MooniniteZ won that cat 59-38). Lacey had the fewest HRs in the league in Week 10 while the MooniniteZ had the most (ergo MooniniteZ won 21-8). Lacey had the fewest RBIs in the league in Week 10, the MooniniteZ had the SECOND most because the Isotopes keep fucking this symmetry up (ergo MooniniteZ won 58-32). The BackdoorSliderz did manage to avoid the shutout by posting a less awful ERA than the MooniniteZ, whom had an awful and league-worst ERA (ergo BDSliderz won 4.765 to 5.444). So there you have it. The suddenly SLUMPING Lacey Twp BDSliderz will look to avoid their fourth straight loss in Week 11, as they have perhaps finally learned what a tough league this can be. The suddenly RED HOT MooniniteZ will be seeking a 5th straight win in Week 11 but I already warned you clowns I probably already started going on a little run here.

Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. Morning Wood (First Place v. Last Place), BDSliderz v. Bad Dudes (NL RUNNER UP BATTLE) 

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Astoria Isotopes Give The River City Bad Dudes A Queens Beatdown Although I Am Not Sure That Is A Real Thing  –  8-4-2

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MVP:  Starlin Castro  –  Starlin Castro HOW BOUT THIS FUCKIN’ GUY HUH? I really don’t think there’s anything else I want to add on the subject of Starlin Castro right now. He had a real good week though.  10/24, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 10 RBIs, .440 OBP    

LVP:  Maikel Franco    Oh Maikel…….you continue to ride the struggle bus sir. Which is EXCELLENT cuz Lobman traded for you.  3/28, 1 RBI, .138 OBP     

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Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Aaron Judge continues to be a monster for the ‘Topes and the Bombers alike and the man was on base 60 goddamned percent of the time in Week 10 (12/24, 10 Rs, 3 2Bs, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs, .600 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  And heyyy Edinson Volquez had a nice game against the Pirates and I have already typed out his name more times than I expected to this season, baseball is wacky (7 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Odubel Herrera is a man that I know put together back to back LVP weeks which is impressive but he also hit 6 doubles in this matchup which is also impressive (8/20, 6 Rs, 6 2Bs, 1 HR, 3 RBIs, .429 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  And heyyyy Craig Kimbrel struck out every batter he faced last week and I will probably always highlight that sort of thing cuz Ks are kewl (2.1 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, 2 Saves, 0.00 ERA).

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DON’T LET THE 8 CAT WIN FOOL YOU FOLKS, the Isotopes took it to the defending runner-ups in this particular battle, the latest entry in this long-standing alleged rivalry. I say alleged because I have seen the Bad Dudes (under previous names) win playoff games but I have never seen the Isotopes (under previous names) win a damn thing when it counts. But ANYWHO, the Bad Dudes submitted a power outage performance here as they failed to reach double digit HRs for just the second week all year and submitted their lowest total yet with just 8 Dongs. The Isotopes did not have this same problem, as their Dong Cup runneth’d over and they put up 19. The Isotopes are also the ones to fuck up the paragraph I had above by notching an impressive and league best 63 RBIs in Week 10, nearly double the unimpressive and nearly league-worst 36 RBIs posted by River City. The nicest thing I can say about the Bad Dudes is they amassed 7 Saves in Week 10 and that is more than anyone else can say so good for them. In Week 11 the SUDDENLY SLUMPING JUST AS HARD AS LACEY Bad Dudes will also look to avoid a 4th straight loss when they head to Lacey, how beautiful is that shit? One of them will likely end up with a 4th straight loss. Beautiful. Oh and also the Isotopes will look to win their 2nd in a row and climb back above .500 for the first time in a while I think.

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Next Week aka This Week:   Isotopes v. Banana Slugs (Isotopes goin for the season series sweep with Barnegat)Bad Dudes v. BDSliderz (I kinda wish they could both lose)

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Barnegat Banana Slugs Barnebeat The Toms River Titans And I Am Still Kinda Tired So Fuck You Why Do I Even Write These Things At The Top Like This In The First Place  –  8-4-2

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MVP:  Jake Lamb  –  Jake Lamb is just an RBI MACHINE out there in AZ currently, I believe he currently leads baseball and I recall more than one double digit RBI week on his ledger.  5/21, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 11 RBIs, .407 OBP      

LVP:  Javier Baez    This is a sad juxtaposition with Starlin Castro’s MVP performance above but SOMETIMES THAT IS JUST HOW IT GOES, Baez still has plenty of potential but Week 10 was not necessarily a week where that potential was shown off. Also steal a damn base would ya?  2/20, 1 R, 1 2B, 2 RBIs, .182 OBP     

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  Salvador Perez giving the BSlugs some excellent production out of the catcher position, one has to be worried that it will eventually devolve into a “Was Salvador Perez Better Than Gary Sanchez This Week” segment (10/22, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .478 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  NOPE, neither set the world on fire but Aledmys was certainly the better of the 2 in 10. 

Current Tally: Trevor Story 5, Aledmys Diaz 5.

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Fuckin Ivan Nova mannnn, I am convinced if he was on the Yankees still he would have a 4.95 ERA right now but he is not on the Yankees and he is actually quite good and quite efficient with the pitches (12 IP, 3 ER, 8 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.25 ERA).

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  JT Realmuto the TOP RANKED catcher by whatever weird criteria ESPN uses for that ranking system, take that all the haters and losers (7/24, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .320 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  The Titans tried to pick up a post-hype success story or something with Kevin Gausman and they learned the hard way that he kinda just sucks this particular season (3.1 IP, 7 ER, 18.90 ERA).

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Barnegat battered the TR Titans a bit in Week 10, outclassing them on both sides of the coin which is a tough thing to do given TR’s stable of arms. The Banana Slugs had a lower ERA (3.232 v. 3.765), more QS (8 v. 6), more Ws (6 v. 4), and NEARLY more Ks but no they lost that one by one (85 v. 86). The Slugs paired the solid showing from their hurlers with good enough production on offense to take down a Titans squad that put up the second fewest Runs, second fewest HRs, and third fewest RBIs last week. If the Titans are scuffling that hard on offense they need their pitching to carry it home for them and the pitching came up just a bit short in most cats so they were in trouble here. I DUNNO HOW I COULD BETTER ANALYZE THIS ONE. THIS IS ALL WRAPPED UP. But also the Slugs will seek a second straight win when this week is all said and done in order to stay atop the American Division or American League or whatfuckingever we really need to change these names. The Titans will look to avoid a second straight loss as they don’t want to fall too far below .500. Both these teams started 12 pitchers.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Banana Slugs v. Isotopes (Barnegat goin for the season series split with Astoria), Titans v. X-Rayz (Titans are goin for that season series split)

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MLB: Spring Training-Kansas City Royals at Arizona Diamondbacks
X-Rayz Eek Out Close Victory Over Rojo’s Renegade Force, Whom Won Holds  –  6-5-3

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MVP:  Robbie Ray  –   Robbie Ray STAYS KILLIN IT and Odom trading to get him back after trading him away in the first place may be the move of the year when it is all said and done. Yea I said it. Without Robbie’s two QS minuscule ERA performance this one maybe goes the other way. Apologies to LoCain whom I originally had here before noticing Robbie’s line.  13.1 IP, 1 ER, 23 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 0.68 ERA   

LVP:  Michael Fulmer    I just wasn’t sure where to go with the blame on this one so IIIII dunno I guess let’s just blame Fulmer for getting rocked by the Trout-less Angels, a team he should have QS’d against. And that QS would have netted RRF a tie at least and possibly a W if it swung ERA. So bad job Michael.  4.1 IP, 5 ER, 1 K, 10.38 ERA   

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  And additional apologies to LoCain cuz let’s instead note Dee Gordon‘s performance, the guy crammed A LOT into a week where his OBP was ’bout 2 hundo (6/28, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 RBIs, 3 SBs, .207 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Jeff Samardzija also killed it and also was a crucial component to the X-Rayz victory just to a less impressive extent when compared to the above-mentioned Mr. Ray (13.2 IP, 4 ER, 16 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.63 ERA).

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RRF Hitter Of Note:  For those wondering Paul Goldschmidt remains very good (8/18, 7 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 HR, 6 RBIs, 1 SB, .600 OBP).

RRF Pitcher Of Note:   And Masahiro Tanaka remains PRETTY BAD this particular season, because leave it to the Yankees to ruin every Asian pitcher they ever acquire (5 IP, 5 ER, 2 Ks, 9.00 ERA).

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The X-Rayyyyzzzzz and Rojo’s Renegade Force battled to the closest matchup that wasn’t undone by FUCKING ELEVEN START BUFFOONERY, I am not going to use this to springboard into calling the Holds Only Strategy buffoonery because that is a dead horse that I have thoroughly beaten and “tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground” like that Florence and The Machine song says. Florence maybe gave the best live performance I’ve ever seen at last year’s Firefly but that’s neither here nor there but yea that gal has moxie. ANYWAYYYYYYS, OF MOST NOTABLE NOTE in this matchup was the X-Rayz playoff style parlaying of a Saturday Rays-As double header into some reallll numbers for the squad. Ryon Healy was added and Steven Souza was added and Evan Longoria and Yonder Alonso were already there and those 4 combined for 7 Rs, 5 2Bs, 2 HRs, and 10 RBIs in a matchup that would end up tied in RBIs (40-40). Hell Jerry Blevins was added for the Mets-Braves doubleheader and he provided the X-Rayz with an ultimately useless but still noted here Hold (RRF won Holds 4-1 cuz duh). WORK THOSE DOUBLEHEADERS PEOPLE. That’s really all I wanted to discuss here. The ALSO PRETTY DAMNED HOT Point Loma X-Rayz now find themselves winners of 3 straight and seeking a 4th straight in Week 11, Rojo’s Renegade Force will be aiming to avoid a second straight loss and remain in the playoff picture. Both these teams started 12 pitchers.

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Next Week aka This Week:   X-Rayz v. Titans (X-Rayz are going for that sweep), RRF v. OGTFC (Just whatever you do no more goddamned ties)

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2017 WEEK 10 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY ROYAL BLOOD

 

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Royal Blood rocked the hardest shit at Bonnaroo everyone listen to Royal Blood now……..

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OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Escape With Yet Another Lucky Tie Thanks To Q-Tip City Morning Wood FUCKING THE FUCK UP AND ONLY STARTING 11 GUYS  –  6-6-2

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MVP:  Sean Manaea  –  Sean Manaea has looked good lately and part of that looking good has included striking out people and he helped the OGTFC notch 3 more strikeouts than their opponent. ALBEIT WITH ONE FUCKING MORE START THAN THEIR FUCKFACE OPPONENT MUSTERED.  13 IP, 4 ER, 12 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 2.77 ERA

LVP:  Shane    GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND START YOUR TWELFTH FUCKING STARTER NEXT FUCKING TIME YOU FUCKING FUCKUP.  11/12 games started     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***     

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Mookie Betts was okay I guess but JUST okay (7/30, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, 1 SB, .281 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  My boy Daniel Norris also helped get the OGTFC to a point where they had 3 more strikeouts than their opponent, ALBEIT WITH ONE FUCKING MORE START THAN THEIR FUCKFACE OPPONENT MUSTERED (11 IP,  5 ER, 13 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 4.09 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  Justin Upton had 10 RBIs, nice going Justin (9/26, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 10 RBIs, .346 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  THE FUCKING MISSING FUCKING TWELFTH STARTER (FUCKING NOTHING).

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ONLY ONE OF THESE TEAMS STARTED TWELVE FUCKING STARTERS AND BECAUSE OF THAT THEY WERE ABLE TO STEAL YET ANOTHER TIE IN THEIR PATHETIC TITLE DEFENSE BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT THEM, THIS IS ABOUT THE FUCKING TEAM THAT COULDN’T FUCKING STREAM THREE FUCKING STRIKEOUTS IN ORDER TO FINALLY WIN A GODDAMN MATCHUP FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE FUCKING EARLY FUCKING APRIL. YOU HAD ONE JOB SHANE AND THAT WAS TO PICK ANY PIECE OF SHIT PITCHER OUT THERE ON THE WAIVER WIRE WITH THE ASSUMPTION THAT 85% IF NOT MORE OF THOSE PIECES OF SHIT COULD TOIL THEIR WAY TO THREE OR MORE STRIKEOUTS, CARLOS FUCKING RUIZ JUST STRUCK A GUY OUT AND HIS BATTING MUSIC IS “IN THE AIR TONIGHT” BY PHIL FUCKING COLLINS. OR AT LEAST IT WAS FOR A TIME, JUST LIKE YOUR TEAM FOR A TIME WAS CONSIDERED A THREAT UNTIL YOU GOT ALL FUCKING COCKY AND NOW LOOKATYAS HAVEN’T WON SINCE THE FUCKING ELEVENTEENTH FAST AND THE FURIOUS MOVIE HIT THEATERS OR WHATEVER. AND THIS ONE WAS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND NOT EVEN THE FAULT OF THAT PUNY KANSAS CITY ROYALS-ESQUE OFFENSE OF YOURS GODDAMMIT SHANE GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME. There I have successfully reviewed the error.

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Next Week aka This Week:  OGTFC v. Renegade Force (As the OGTFC continue their quest to shatter whatever ties record may exist), Morning Wood v. MooniniteZ (GOOD FUCKIN LUCK BUDDY)

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WE NOW FIND OURSELVES IN WEEK 10.9 PRETTY MUCH WHICH MEANS WE ARE ALMOSTTTTTT AT THE POINT WHERE WE CAN SAY TWO THIRDS OF THE SEASON HAS PASSED, I EXPECT THE LEAGUE TO RESPOND WITH A FLURRY OF TRADES RELATIVE TO YOUR TEAM’S CHANCES TO WIN IT ALL THIS YEAR………AND BE REALISTIC WITH YOURSELVES. REALLY REALISTIC.

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2017 Week 10 Review: BACK FROM BONNAROO TO BULLY THE LEAGUE WITH BITING COMMENTARY BUT NOT REALLY CUZ I AM STILL KINDA TIRED EDITION

2017 Week 9 REVIEW: HALFWAY HOME

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WEEK 9 in the books which puts us prettttty officially at the halfway point of the season, and OH MY would you look at that the MooniniteZ stand alone at the top. Let’s see how we got here gentlemen, QUICKLY because I have a music festival to catch and I don’t want to stay at work all day and so expect the witty banter to be kept to a minimum …….just gonna come right out now and say there were no JROLLS in Week 9 and that makes me sad……okay on to the review…….

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This week everyone gets random word art that I google searched because I just don’t have the TIME to google search yanno, baseball players. I assume that would take longer…

Point Loma X-Rayz Continue The Long Painful Humbling of Q-Tip City Morning Wood With Convincing Victory  –  10-2-2

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MVP:  Elvis Andrus  –  I dunno how in the fuck Elvis accumulated 10 RBIs last week but TURNS OUT HE DID, and he has 32 RBIs on the season and is now a cleanup hitter or something.  13/25, 7 Rs, 4 2Bs, 1 HR, 10 RBIs, 4 SBs, .571 OBP     

LVP:  Frankie Montas    Frankie Montas brought nothing to the table and took several things off of it.  4 IP, 7 ER, 2 Ks, 15.75 ERA     

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Yonder Alonso is likely the newest success story in the “fly ball revolution” but READ ABOUT IT YOURSELVES (10/24, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, 1 SB, .500 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Andddd Robbie Ray is on FIYA folks, trying to become more than the NL version of Michael Pineda which used to be a bit of an insult but now is less so (9 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  Hey at least new-ish acquisition JD Martinez looks nice and healthy (7/25, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, .308 OBP).

 

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  And other new-ish acquisition Julio Teheran gave up 10 runs in 2 starts and still came out of it with 2 Ws which is kinda impressive (11.1 IP, 10 ER, 9 Ks, 1 QS, 2 Ws, 7.94 ERA).

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THIS ONE WAS NEVER IN DOUBT FOLKS. Keeping that from last week’s review because this one prrrrrrrobably was never in doubt. Q-Tip City is just having trouble putting together a full week, though they can take solace in the fact that they didn’t score the fewest runs in Week 9 (that distinction goes to the Bad Dudes lolz). What they should NOT take solace in is the fact that they put up a team OBP of .2650 which isssss quite bad. Possibly the worst all season but whom has time to check those sorts of things. As for something that was the BEST all season, the X-Rayz notched 18 SBs in Week 9 to beat their previous 2017 record of 17. They were still only 66% of the way to their all time record of 27 SBs howeva, and in an era of dying speed that one may be tough to touch ever again for THEM and pretty much impossible to touch for anyone else. BUT YEA…..not much in doubt here, QTC pitched to an ERA over 6 and uhhh the X-Rayz didn’t and the X-Rayz notched 2 CGs when zero CGs would have got the job done. They’ll try and win their third in a row in Week 10, the Quarter Chubs will try to avoid losing their 8th in a row.

Next Week aka This Week: X-Rayz v. Renegade Force, Morning Wood v. OGTFC 

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Rojo’s Renegade Force Take Down Multiple Season Offensive Records/The Barnegat Banana Slugs  –  8-5-1

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MVP:  George Springer  –  The Renegades offense went off this week folks, no way to sugarcoat it, and George Springer was a very big part of that. #analysis.  15/30, 11 Rs, 1 2B, 5 HRs, 9 RBIs, .531 OBP     ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP:  Salvador Perez    Catching is a difficult job and it takes a toll on a body and we don’t give a shit about that at all for fantasy baseball purposes.  3/21, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 2 RBIs, .182 OBP

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RRF Hitter Of Note:  Aaron Hicks has been super good for the Yankees and for fantasy owners alike and DOES IT SHOW THAT I AM MAILING THIS ONE IN (12/27, 4 Rs, 6 2Bs, 10 RBIs, .448 OBP)?

RRF Pitcher Of Note:  Ariel Miranda COMPLETE GAME, whatta week for CGs and I still can’t get even one but not complaining just like pointing it out yanno (9 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 1.00 ERA).

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  On the positive side for the B Slugs J Don got a full week of ABs in for the first time in a long time and looked like a man making up for lost time (7/24, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, .346 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  SADLY, yes. 

Current Tally: Trevor Story 5, Aledmys Diaz 4.

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Max Scherzer with one of the prettier CGs of the year in Week 9 (9 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 1.00 ERA).

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Good LAWD did the RRF offense come out swinging in Week 9, perhaps miffed by the team’s placement as #9 in the June Power Rankings. With an offense that is looking more and more dangerous as the months go by they have a solid argument that they are actually uhhh, I dunno 7th or something. This one was a slobberknocker all around with the teams battling to the top two weekly totals in Doubles (Slugs won 25-24) and RBIs (RRF won 70-57). Just two offenses really clicking and one of those weeks where the Slugs are probably a bit saddened to have drawn the hottest O in the league, as a lesser opponent might have yielded a Barnegat victory. But a lesser opponent is NOT what was in the cards and an Ariel Miranda Sunday CG kinda closed off a lot of routes to potential different results here, both teams pitched fairly well here but I wanted to talk about the offenses and also I don’t want to talk that much at all for I am busy. Rojo’s Renegade Force will look to stay hot and win their 3rd in a row in Week 10, Barnegat will look to avoid losing their 3rd in a row. DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

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Next Week aka This Week:   RRF v. X-RayzBanana Slugs v. Titans

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Manchester MooniniteZ Complete Masterful Season Series Sweep of River City Bad Dudes, Capture Sole Possession Of First Place And The Hearts Of A  Nation  –  7-4-3

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MVP:  Andrew McCutchen  –  This was the first week all season where I didn’t kinda hate Andrew McCutchen a little bit and it only took us 9 weeks to get there.  8/20, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .519 OBP      

LVP:  Jose Abreu    TOUGH WEEK for Jose, I could have given this to Bryce Harper for being suspended for most of it but nahhh Jose earned this one.  2/23, 2 RBIs, .192 OBP     

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Justin Smoak had a nice week that would have looked even nicer had I not benched him for a 3 run HR on Friday (6/23, 4 Rs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .346 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  Jimmy Nelson went toe to toe with Clayton Kershaw on Friday night and nobody can take that from him even though his bullpen took away his W and so short story long I will give him another start for Manchester (8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 0.00 ERA).

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Domingo Santana did his best to fill in admirably in Bryce’s absence and I would say he did a pretty solid job is what I would say (7/26, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, .321 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Alex Cobb on the other hand, you did poorly and that is something you had in common with several other Bad Dudes pitchers last week (5 IP, 9 ER, 3 Ks, 16.20 ERA).

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The Bad Dudes could have used their bad boy Bryce Harper, as the offense here looked LIFELESS for most of the week and by the time they started turning thangs around it was a bit tooooo late. The MooniniteZ jumped out to large leads in Runs (I think the Bad Dudes were in single digits til like Friday), HRs, and RBIs on O and locked up QS and ERA super early on the pitching side. Not long after it was pretty clear Strikeouts and Ws would go to Manchester as well, cuz yanno River City was pitching like shit. POINT IS there was about 7 cats locked up for Manchester by cocktail hour on Saturday and allll the late gains made by River City were not enough to turn around said 7 cats and that was your ball game. I am SURE that was probably your lowest Runs total this season for the Bad Dudes (37) and possibly your lowest RBIs total as well (34), they just didn’t have it in Week 9 on either side of the ball and now they’ve been swept by the MooniniteZ in 2017 and nothing that happens from here on out will be able to change that (I guess a meeting in the playoffs could maybe change it). River City heads to Astoria in Week 10 looking to avoid a third straight loss, while the MooniniteZ host Lacey seeking a 4th straight win (WHICH WOULD BE A 2017 LEAGUE HIGH I AM GUESSING).

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Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. BDSliderz, Bad Dudes v. Isotopes

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Toms River Titans Take Season Series Two Oh Over Astoria Isotopes, Win  –  7-5-2

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MVP:  Carlos Correa  –  The Astros O must have been humming last week because Correa is basically a coin flip here with Springer for MVP of the week, a coin flip that I decided he lost.  11/28, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 12 RBIs, .469 OBP   

LVP:  Jose Quintana    I mean SWEET JESUS JOSE I defended you in spring training and now you’ve made us all look like fools, FOOLS I TELL YOU. Giving you LVP of the week just cuz.  2.2 IP, 7 ER, 4 Ks, 23.63 ERA     ***LVP OF THE WEEK*** 

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  Miguel Sano stays killin it (8/21, 4 Rs, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs, .435 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  Andddd the Titans streamed a Ty Blach CG Shutout which is interesting enough, I guess (9 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).

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Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Aaron Judge ALSO stays killin it for what it is worth (9/26, 7 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, 1 SB, .469 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:   Andddd the ‘Topes streamed a Edinson Volquez CG Shutout which is EQUALLY interesting enough, I guess (9 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).

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The Titans continue to climb out of the cellar following a victory in one of our closest matchups (in certain areas) and yet another matchup with dueling CGs and yet another loss for Astoria. That sentence barely worked but I am barely trying. THIS ONE upon first glance came down to a bit of strategy by the Titans to sit Javier Baez for the night game, strategy that was then reinforced by the Cubs doing the same thing. The ‘Topes were looking to steal back OBP with some late-day heroics from Mark Reynolds but he went 1/5 which wasn’t good enough for that at all. Not. At. All. Outside of the narrow OBP battle the Titans were able to escape with hard-fought W in HRs (18 to 16), and outside of the offensive side altogether both teams kinda just battled to see who could have the less shitty ERA (Titans won 4.877 to 5.684). They have some nerve pairing those ERAs with dueling CGs, THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA THAT WOULD KILL THEIR OWN MOTHERS FOR A CG.  The Toms River Titans travel to Barnegat seeking a 3rd straight victory in Week 10, while the ‘Topes host the Bad Dudes and hope to avoid a 4th straight loss.

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Next Week aka This Week:   Titans v. Banana Slugs, Isotopes v. Bad Dudes

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2017 WEEK 9 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY MICROSOFT OFFICE’S WORD ART FEATURE

 

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WORD ART……A bad idea always

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OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Survive Sunday Night Game For A Change, Defeat Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz  –  8-5-1

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MVP:  Trea Turner  –  Without Trea’s triple and his many many steals this week the OGTFC probably lose and that is just the FACTS.  10/30, 5 Rs, 1 3B, 3 RBIs, 5 SBs, .355 OBP

LVP:  Kyle Hendricks    Way to fail to deliver TWICE Kyle. TWICE.  9 IP, 9 ER, 8 Ks, 9.00 ERA        

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Mookie Betts was okay I guess but JUST okay (7/30, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, 1 SB, .281 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  Since nobody on the staff had multiple QS or Ws lets instead highlight the always really good Andrew Miller whom struck out every batter he faced in Week 9 (2.1 IP,  0 ER, 7 Ks, 2 Holds, 0.00 ERA).

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BDSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Jose Altuve presented as FURTHER PROOF that the Astros offense is v good (13/27, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, 1 SB .563 OBP).

BDSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  Marco Estrada pitched poorly finally and as someone that’s bitter about losing him on a waiver claim I feel I should point it out (3.2 IP, 7 ER, 4 Ks, 15.75 ERA).

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SUNDAY DEVOID OF MAGIC ALERT. This one ended up as the only matchup with potential Sunday night implications, and those all rested on the shoulders of Kyle Hendricks. A quality start and a victory from Kyle coupled with some 0 fers or at least 0 run fers from the OGTFC Sunday night participants and the BDSliderz might have walked outta there with a victory. but NOT TO BE as Hendricks failed to even make it 5 innings, aka he wouldn’t qualify for either, and the OGTFC Sunday night bats grabbed 4 Runs or so to take back that cat as well (46 to 45) and there you have it an 8-5-1 victory for OceanGate in a week marred only by their owner getting married. We here at the blog would like to wish the new Heroys many years of happiness (if such a thing is even possible in marriage) and hope they enjoy their honeymoon and are using their wedding as an excuse to just ramble on a bit here and not have to actually say anything more about the Week 9 matchup because I don’t feel like it. THE OGTFC WON OKAY, and now they’ve won 3 in a row and all you bastards have just let them off the hook. The OGTFC seek their 4th in a row (AGAIN probably would be the high mark for 2017) in Week 10, the Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz will be looking to prevent a different team’s 4th in a row and halt their very first losing streak at 2.

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Next Week aka This Week:  OGTFC v. Morning Wood, BDSliderz v. MooniniteZ

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HALFWAY POINT O’ THE SEASON BEHIND US, BEST OF LUCK TO ALL YOU SUCKERS IN THE SECOND HALF AND SEE YOU ALL ON THE OTHER SIDE (OF WEEK 10, WHICH I WILL LARGELY BE IGNORING)….

 

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2017 Week 9 REVIEW: HALFWAY HOME

2017 WEEK 8 REVIEW: THINGS ARE GETTING SPICY

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WEEK 8 SAW EVERY TEAM IN FRONT OF ME LOSE. GOTTA LIKE THAT. PERHAPS I WILL DISCUSS IN FURTHER DETAIL BELOW…….

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Cuz McCullers curveball GIFS are fun and also cuz HOW DARE YOU TRY AND USE ZOBRIST AGAINST ME BRIAN

Manchester MooniniteZ Beat Barnegat Banana Slugs Bigly (JK Not That Bigly)  –  8-4-2

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MVP:  Lance McCullers  –  Gotta be honest it doesn’t seem like anyone on my team was particularly impressive last week, HOWEVA Lance delivered 2 Ws and an important Sunday QS and kept the ERA low and did his best to catch the Slugs in Strikeouts and for that I declare his efforts good enough….for this thing.  11 IP, 2 ERs, 13 Ks, 1 QS, 2 Ws, 1.64 ERA      

LVP:  DJ LeMahieu    DJ LeMahieu LeMaybe could have done a better job last week. REALLY getting the hang of these name puns, guys.  4/26, 3 Rs, 1 RBI, .214 OBP     

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Just want to make it clear here that Andrew McCutchen was DEFINITELY going to be blessed with LVP had I let this one slip away, especially cuz the fucker decided to go 2-3 with a HR and 3 RBIs on the one day I benched him (2/17, .118 OBP and that is fucking it for all the days he was actually in the lineup).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  Should note that Alex Wood has FINALLY been pitching the way I expected him to pitch back when I selected him as a keeper, 25.1 scoreless innings streak currently, and so of course a cruel and merciless god (or multiple baseball gods) promptly threw him on the DL (5 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  Jake Lamb continues to rake for the Slugs, so they at least have that (6/27, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, .276 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  I s’pose he narrowly edged him out, yes. 

Current Tally: Trevor Story 4, Aledmys Diaz 4.

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  And now to take these bastards back down a peg, John Lackey has been bad and was bad twice last week and fuck him (10 IP, 10 ER, 11 Ks, 9.00 ERA).

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THIS ONE WAS NEVER IN DOUBT FOLKS. No I kid I kid, ’twas far from a sure thing and in fact when Brian’s birthday was upon us on Friday and I told him I got him a loss it was very much not a sure thing that I got him a loss. But now his birthday has passed and I did indeed hand him an L and time marches on. SUPERIOR ERA (3.170 v. 4.378) AND SUPERIOR OBP (.3230 v. .3084) were the keys to victory for the MooniniteZ this week, as a lower ERA no doubt helped contribute to their W in the Ws category (8 to 6) and a higher OBP no doubt helped them score more runs (40 to 32) and PERHAPS EVEN rack up more doubles (18 to 16). But again ignore the opening sentence, this one was close into Sunday when a clutch Keon Broxton triple and yet another Lance McCullers QS helped the double M pull away. The Banana Slugs also fell victim to the oleeee “all my holds guys have been thrust into the closers role” conundrum, which allowed them to win Saves (4 to 3) but also allowed them to lose Holds (2 to 0). On the bright side of things Barnegat welcomed back Josh Donaldson to the fold on the weekend, and going forward they will hope he turns around an offense that has struggled a bit through the first half of the season. For various reasons. In Week 9 they’ll hope to get back on track against Rojo’s Renegade Force, meanwhile the MooniniteZ will seek a third straight win and attempt to cement their claim to the #1 seed when they take on River City. IMPORTANT TO NOTE that we are now heading into the time o’ the year when teams will be facing teams for the second time (while interestingly enough some teams haven’t even faced each other for the first time), so we are officially in “season series sweep season”. #SSSS.

Next Week aka This Week: MooniniteZ v. Bad Dudes (BIG MATCHUP FOLKS, also fuck Lobman), Banana Slugs v. Renegade Force (Injury-prone team v. injury-prone man).

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RIP Trout (for 6-8 weeks)(OR LONGER)
OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Fucking Get A Second Win (BUT AT WHAT COST?!), Defeat Astoria Isotopes  –  7-4-3

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MVP:  Anthony Rizzo  –  Anthony Rizzo will be relied upon heavily in the coming weeks for the OGTFC, which is something I just decided. Off to a nice start with his Week 8 performance.eekly reminder that Mike Trout is very good.  8/25, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, .393 OBP

LVP:  Jose Quintana    Way to bungle up the ERA, Jose! Nice Ks though.  4.1 IP, 8 ER, 7 Ks, 16.62 ERA

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Before going down with a bum thumb Mike Trout was playing baseball really good cuz he is really good at baseball and it is a shame that he has been temporarily taken from the sport but not a shame that he was taken from Heroy (6/23, 5 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 2 RBIs, 1 SB, .433 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  On the bright side Danny Duffy had one good start, but OH YEA NOW I REMEMBER he followed that up with a bad start and is now out 6-8 weeks with an oblique strain CONGRATS ON YOUR UPCOMING WEDDING GREG (11 IP, 8 ER, 9 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 6.55 ERA)!

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Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Charlie Blackmon WITH THE JROLL and a pretty one at that (12/30, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 12 RBIs, 1 SB, .419 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  Pretty impressive 2 start week outta German Marquez, no doubt aided by the fact that the Phillies offense has been horrendous of late BUT STILL (11.2 IP, 3 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 2 Ws, 2.31 ERA).

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The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club won their second in a row in Week 8, and for just the second time all season, BUT AT WHAT COST?! I guess I already said that up there. But yes the mood was perhaps dampened a bit by a Mike Trout injury over the weekend, nevertheless the OGTFC now find themselves squarely in the playoff hunt and for that we should all be sad. In Week 8 they did it mostly on the offensive side of things, taking 5 of the 7 cats and tying in HRs (they lost RBIs badly despite said HR tie). From the pitching perspective they managed to steal ERA in a who can be less terrible contest (4.765 over 4.940) and put up 2 Holds to the ‘Topes 0 Holds and there you have it, there is your 7 categories. The ‘Topes valiantly carved out 7 QS despite the garbage ERA, which illustrates that they were essentially let down by Jose Quintana‘s piss poor start and Patrick Corbin‘s Sunday piss poor start (7 ER in 4 IP). One got cut but perhaps BOTH should have been cut? Perhaps. In Week 9 the OGTFC will seek a 3rd straight win despite the heart and soul and namesake of their team being RIPPED AWAY from them, meanwhile the Astoria Isotopes will try and stay above .500 and validate a polite (polite enough) profile that I put together for them in our Chris Cornell Power Rankings.

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Next Week aka This Week:   OGTFC v. BDSliderz (Greg’s Marriage Hangover Curse was getting antsy and started a bit early with the injuries towards the end of last week, let’s see what happens this week!), Isotopes v. Titans (with the Titans going for the season series sweep).

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Toms River Titans KO Current League Punching Bag (Q-Tip City Morning Wood) And This Header Would Have Worked A Lot Better With The Pine Lake Punchouts  –  8-4-2

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MVP:  Anthony Rendon  –  Anthony Rendonnnnnn is back to hitting again at like his 2014 levels, no doubt a welcome sight for Ryan after some up and down seasons mixed in there. Prior to the 2015 season I nearly offered Josh Donaldson for the guy, so if we use my player valuations as supporting evidence here then we can conclude that 2014 Anthony Rendon was a swell player (better with 2B eligibility but I digress).  9/21, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 4 HRs, 9 RBIs, 1 SB, .520 OBP     ***MVP OF THE WEEK*** 

LVP:  Odubel Herrera    Odubel Herrera did NOT in fact rebound from his Week 7 LVP performance, and got himself cut from Q-Tip City for it.  2/16, 1 2B, .125 OBP     

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  Two more HRs for Francisco Lindor give him 11 on the season and WHAT THE FUCK I thought this was supposed to be a glove first no pop prospect, THANKS Baseball America (7/19, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, .455 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  Stephen Strasburg went out and got himself one of those vintage “starting against the Padres and striking all of them out” type performances that have become customary over the past 2 seasons or so (7 IP, 0 ER, 15 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  This is like the first time I noticed that Brian Dozier still existed and was on this team so that means TRADE NOW WHILE THE IRON IS HOT, that goes for both Boners and Twins (8/26, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, 2 SBs, .438 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  So yea at least Ervin Santana continues to mystify, all of his underlying stats are garbage and I say there is no wayyyy he keeps this up for all that much longer but WHATTA RIDE while it lasts (9 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).

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In a battle of teams trying to claw their way out of the Backyard’s Basement, uhhh one team clawed their way out a wee bit further while the other team just CONTINUES TO SINK DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE LEAGUE with their 6th straight loss. This one was relatively close but eventually the Titans of TR pulled away with superior offense and their trademark superior pitching (although ultimately Q-Tip City NARROWLY won ERA 2.967 to 2.976). Francisco Lindor prrrrrobably made the Before Breakfast Boners regret trading him just a wee bit as he had himself a week. Also THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, but no probably not but Matt Harvey put together two solid starts. Trade now I say. Also the MW wasted 2 CGs which is never ideal, you always just want one unless 2 are required (but what would I know I never get em). And in the end despite a pristine ERA the Dawnus Erectus were unable to win Strikeouts (lost 89-82) or Wins (lost 8-7) and the only cat they were able to grab on the hitting side was Doubles (17 to 14). A VALIANT effort to hang with the Titans pitching staff (goddammit has Michael Pineda been good or what) and perhaps something to build on for QTC, but in the end ANOTHER LOSS. The QTCMW will attempt to avoid losing their SEVENTH in a row in Week 9 when they head to sunny Point Loma, while the TR Titans will attempt to creep closer towards .500 ball by sending the Isotopes below .500.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Titans v. Isotopes (Look it is no secret Ryan hates Mikey T’s guts folks, no secret at all, and I bet he would love to sweep the season series and pull into a tie with tiebreaker situation with the ‘Topes), Morning Wood v. X-Rayz (Q-Tip City badly needs to stop the slide, one could argue if one were declaring things that people “badly need” with regards to people’s fantasy baseball teams).

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Round here we CELEBRATE our JROLLS……
Rojo’s Renegade Force FORCIBLY Slow Down The Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz, Earn A Big (ish) Win  –  7-5-2

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MVP:  Paul Goldschmidt  –  PAUL GOLDSCHMIDT JROLL. He good.  8/23, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, 1 SB, .423 OBP   

LVP:  Jordan Zimmerman    Someone needs to be blamed for this and I dunno, Jordan Zimmerman? Jordan Zimmerman didn’t really contribute much to the efforts to try and win this matchup.  5 IP, 7 ER, 3 Ks, 12.60 ERA 

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Renegade Force Hitter Of Note:  The RRF are a team that is never one to shy away from adding whatever baseball randos that happen to be hot at the moment, and Adam Frazier is the latest success story of the Renegade’s (attempted) Revolution (5/26, 5 Rs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, 1 SB, .382 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note:  Will Harris sinnnnglehandedly won the RRF both relief pitching categories in Week 8 and that is a feat that shall not go unnoticed by this bullpen-lovin blog (4 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks, 1 Save, 3 Holds, 2.25 ERA).

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BDSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Adam Duvall had himself a week AND IT MATTERS NOT (9/25, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 11 RBIs, .360 OBP).

BDSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  And poor Buck Farmer pitched the game of his life and it ALSO MATTERS NOT, as it didn’t help Lacey Twp win and didn’t help him NOT get sent back down the very next day (6.1 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

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RENEGAAAAAAAAADES. I find myself wanting to call this team the Renegades more often than that so maybe they should drop the “Force”. *Justin Timberlake in The Social Network voice* “It’s cleaner.” BUT I DIGRESS. Big win for RRF as they FINALLY slowed down the D train, like a homeless man that fell onto the subway tracks. This one required a bit of Sunday magic (these reviews ONLY CARE ABOUT SUNDAY MOSTLY) as the RRF racked up 21 Ks and 3 QS to steal those two categories from the BDSliderz (91 Ks to 84, 8 QS to 7) Ks and grabbed 2 SBs to knot that category 5-5. Lacey Township only had one start left for Sunday and that start (a Jordan Zimmerman 7 ER disaster) provided a mere 3 Ks and a mere 0 QS, allowing the wiggle room RRF required to storm ahead and stay ahead. The only cat Rojo’s boys took on offense was Triples (1 to 0, shout out to Paul Goldschmidt AND JROLL) so this really was a pitching-based effort, the Renegade Force were one of only two teams to post 90+ Ks in Week 8 and also snagged a crucial CG in a losing effort (shout out to Michael Fulmer). And now Dochney and his BackdoorSliderz have finally lost a week in which they had FULL CUSTODY OF THE TEAM FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK NO DISPUTES THERE, and the world can seem a little less crazy. Lacey Township will attempt to stop the losing streak at 1 in Week 9 while Rojo’s RenegadeForce will be seeking to avoid a series sweep at the hands of the Banana Slugs o’ Barnegat.

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Next Week aka This Week:   Renegade Force v. Banana Slugs (RRF coming off a big win and looking to cobble together their second in a row), BDSliderz v. OGTFC (Guy Not Invited To Other Guy’s Wedding Because They Have Never Met v. Aforementioned Other Guy That Is Getting Married Like A FOOL).

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2017 WEEK 8 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY GILLETTE

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Think you’re fucking SLICK with your viral ads just don’t ya Gillette…..go to hell (but also thanks for paying for my parking at the 2013 AFC Championship Game)……
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Point Loma X-Rayz Defeat River City Bad Dudes On Top O’ The 15th Inning HR Magic  –  7-6-1

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MVP:  Evan Longoria  –  Longo didn’t have himself the best of the weeks but cameeeee through when it mattered most, a la Game 162 in 2011, and ripped an extra innings HR to give the X-Rayz the win. MAGICAL!  5/28, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 1 HR, 2 RBIs, .281 OBP

LVP:  Maikel Franco    Maikel Franco Maikel Suckedo. Okay not my best work. WHATEVER I DO THIS SHIT PRO BONO, if you don’t count whatever Ocean County is paying me. Which. I. Don’t. But yea anyways, Maikel sucked harder than Odubel because at least Odubel was kind enough to throw in a double. Your 2017 Phillies offense folks.  2/18, .158 OBP     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***   

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Decent little week for Elvis Andrus aka the guy Odom always gives me shit for badmouthing but I STAND BY IT STILL (6/25, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 2 RBIs, 3 SBs, .259 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Chris Archer is just quietly out there in X-Ray Land and Ray Land striking out like 11 per 9, or in last week’s case 11 per 7.2 (7.2 IP,  2 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 2.35 ERA).

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Xander Bogaerts wasn’t man enough to pull off the JROLL which is a SHAME for the Bad Dudes because they could have used the 3 bagger (10/25, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 6 RBIs, 1 SB .423 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Not every day that a team can say they streamed a Josh Tomlin CG but HEY, the Bad Dudes streamed a Josh Tomlin CG (9 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 1.00 ERA).

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SUNDAY MAGIC ALERT. And it has seemed like that would be what it would take to take down River City on this current uhhh non-losing streak of theirs, spanning every week but the first. The Bad Dudes offense scuffled jussssst enough to leave the door open a crack, as they failed to reach double digit HRs for the first time all season, AND THAT FAILURE WOULD PROVE COSTLY. I’ll set the stage: daybreak, Sunday morning. The Bad Dudes are leading in Runs, Doubles, RBIs, OBP, Wins while the X-Rayz lead in Triples, SBs, Ks, Saves, and ERA I guess? So the X-Rayz are narrowly winning I think is what I am implying, heading into Sunday. Then LO AND BEHOLD a Josh Tomlin CG and James Pazos Hold and HRs from Giancarlo Stanton and Wilson Contreras and now we are staring another Bad Dudes win in the face with him up 7-6-1. But the X-Rayz had an ace in the hole and that ace in the hole was the Rays-Twins game, the NINTH inning of which saw Evan Longoria scoring the game-tying and matchup-tying run. So now we are sitting here knotted up 7-7-0 like a bunch of clowns.  But the X-Rayz had an ace in the hole and that ace in the hole was the Rays-Twins game going FIFTEEN innings, and in the top of the 15th Longo stepped up to the plate against shitty junkball throwing Hector Santiago and just GROOVES the first pitch into the seats (as I am told) to help conclude a game that would end up going like 6 and a half hours. PANDEMONIUM IN POINT LOMA THE X-RAYZ GO UP 7-6-1! And then whatever, Josh Bell failed to hit a HR or score 2 runs in the night game. And I am sure a bunch of other stuff happened in this matchup earlier in the week but I have covered the stuff that matters so let’s MOVE IT ALONG. In Week 9 the X-Rayz look to get back to a .500-ish record with their first meeting with Q-Tip City, while the River City Bad Dudes look to put the emotional devastation of this loss behind them so that they may attempt to avoid a Season Series Sweep at the hands of the according-to-ESPN-in-first-place MooniniteZ.

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Next Week aka This Week:  X-Rayz v. Morning Wood (Battle of the formerly 2-0 teams that FELL BACK DOWN TO EARTH), Bad Dudes v. MooniniteZ (with the Bad Dudes trying DESPERATELY AND HOPELESSLY to avoid being swept in the season series by Manchester)

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WEEK 9 IS NOW UPON US AND ONCE IT CONCLUDES WE WILL OFFICIALLY BE HALFWAY THROUGH THE YEAR. NORMALLY I WOULD SAY YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE A SENSE OF YOUR TEAM BY NOW BUT THINGS ARE TOO BUNCHED UP (PRECISELY AS I PRESEASON PREDICTED) SO REALLY ANY AND EVERY TEAM IS STILL IN IT, EVEN THE ONES THAT KEEP LOSING. GIVE IT ANOTHER COUPLE OF WEEKS AND MAYBE WE WILL HAVE SOME SEPARATION, IN THE MEAN TIME LOOK OUT FOR THE JUNE POWER RANKINGS AND A MIDSEASON AWARDS POST AND A GREG HEROY WEDDING AND ME ESCAPING TO TENNESSEE FOR MOST OF WEEK 10. CUZ FUCK Y’ALL.

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2017 WEEK 8 REVIEW: THINGS ARE GETTING SPICY

2017 WEEK 7 REVIEW: SADLY THE OGTFC FINALLY WON A GAME EDITION

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WEEK 7 IS IN THE BOOKS. BEFORE WE BEGIN LET ME JUST ADD THAT THERE WAS A TRADE LAST WEEK (EDITOR’S NOTE: AND NOW TWO TRADES! THE SECOND ONE I WILL PROBABLY REVIEW THOUGH) BUT IT WAS POINTLESS AND UNNECESSARY AND I WILL NOT DEMEAN MYSELF OR THIS BLOG BY ACKNOWLEDGING IT ANY MORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE DONE IN THIS VERY SENTENCE. NOW LET US REVIEW SOMETHING THAT IS ACTUALLY WORTHY OF REVIEW…….WEEK 7

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Banged Up Barnegat Banana Slugs Pitch Past Plummeting Q-Tip City Morning Wood  –  9-3-2

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MVP:  Jake Lamb  –  Jake Lambbbbbchop really paced the Slugs sluggers in Week 7, as the only guy out there THAT I KNOW OF that put up double digit RBIs last week.  Nice work Lambchop, now do the right thing and get strep throat this week.  7/17, 7 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 10 RBIs, .565 OBP     ***MVP OF THE WEEK***     

LVP:  Odubel Herrera    I feel like the Morning Wood keep losing by the largest deficit and also keep having the LVP of the Week and I dunno maybe these things are somewhat related?  3/24, .125 OBP and thatttt be it.     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  Jose Bautista to his credit also did a fine job in Week 7 as the only other Slugs regular with a +.500 OBP (12/26, 7 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .548 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  NO, via injury. 

Current Tally: Trevor Story 3, Aledmys Diaz 4.

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Fucking Clayton Richard threw a CG at a point when this matchup was probably wrapped up anyways but still CLAYTON RICHARD CG PEOPLE (9 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 1.00 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  At least Eugenio Suarez put his LVP week behind him, gives hope for Odubel in Week 8 (8/22, 4 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .423 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  BACK TO REALITY for AJ Griffin (3.1 IP, 9 ER, 24.30 ERA).

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Another week in the Backyard League, another week where the Morning Wood lose the hardest. At this point it may be time to rechristen them the Morning Flaccid Penises. This one was actually closer than it would appear to be with the 2 tied cats ending up HRs and RBIs, typically categories where a victor is crowned. But it isn’t like these two teams dominated to a draw here, the 10 HRs 37 RBIs each were the second lowest totals in both categories. ONE COULD ARGUE the Slugs offense has been pretty sub-par this season but I wouldn’t want to dive too deep into that, as it would be just asking for them to go off in their Week 8 MooniniteZ matchup. So instead let’s look at the area where the Slugs have excelled in their victories, the pitching game. The BBS put together a nice and balanced overall week on that side in Week 7 with 68 Ks, 1 CG, 6 Ws (despite only 4 QS), 5 Saves, 2 Holds, 3.600 ERA. Across the board solid numbers that will keep you competitive in your fair share of matchups, and against the struggling AM Engorged Genitals these numbers were enough to take every one of those damned categories. So you couple 6 Ws on the pitching side with an OBP of about .360 and a pair of triples, and all of a sudden you’re up to 8 cats in Barnegat’s flavor. Then throw in the fact that the Bonerz only stole a single solitary base and Barnegat tripled that production, and you have your entire margin of victory.  NEITHER SQUAD WAS ALL THAT IMPRESSIVE. The Banana Slugs will look to be more impressive and win their second in a row in Week 8; the Morning Wood will look to avoid a (Cliff-like) 6th straight loss.

Next Week aka This Week:  Banana Slugs v. MooniniteZ (INSERT SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT BRIAN AND/OR AND/OR TREVOR STORY HERE), Morning Wood v. Titans (Just a couple of guys in last place looking to win a matchup, is all this is).

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OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Fucking Finally Get A Win (Sadly), Defeat Point Loma X-Rayz  –  8-4-2

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MVP:  Mike Trout  –  Weekly reminder that Mike Trout is very good.  6/18, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, 2 SBs, .552 OBP

LVP:  Lorenzo Cain    LoCain had a LoOBP this week but he still chipped in two steals but that is all he chipped in so LVP!  4/22, 3 Rs, .217 OBP

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Eduardo Nunez came into the week with zero HRs on the season and left the week with 2 HRs on the season (9/24, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, 2 SBs, .375 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  Danny Duffy is a guy I still root for and everyone always watches his velocity, and it is indeed down, but he is still mostly getting the job done so take that velocity watchers (7 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Chris Davis SIGHTING, fuckin’ guy came into last week with only 11 RBIs which is sort of ridiculous BILLY HAMILTON HAD MORE (6/20, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs, .310 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Up and down week for Chris Archer, rebounded from a 5 IP 6 ER start against Cleveland to post a QS and strike out 12 against the Yanks (11.1 IP, 9 ER, 18 Ks, 1 QS, 7.15 ERA).

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The OGTFC were finally able to overcome their owner and get a W, and the entire league is worse for it because that W in fact puts Greg in the playoffs at this juncture. Nobody wants that, title defenses are much more fun when they die in the regular season (not sure that’s ever happened before, but it probably has). Unfortunately this one wasn’t even a cheapie, as the Trout Fishing Club amassed some eye-popping numbers on offense and even threw in 80 Ks for good measure. But yea on offense:  62 Rs, 21 HRs, 60 RBIs, 9 SBs, .3922 OBP. The X-Rayz of Point Loma were ill prepared to compete with that production, as one of the two teams that failed to produce an OBP north of .300 and the only team that failed to amass 30 RBIs. Things were so not going Point Loma’s way that it took a 4-1 Sunday rally just to win steals, THEY ALMOST EVEN LOST STEALS PEOPLE. Just think about that. And aside from that the offense let them down, they ended up tied in doubles (17-17) and lost Ks by one and pitched their way to an unfortunate 5.288 ERA (but pitching sucked baseball-wide last week it seems JUICED BASEBALLS). A few things breaking a few different ways and maybe we are celebrating yet another non-W for OceanGate, but their offense was due to carry them to a W all on their own for quite some time. And now they have that elusive first W and now we are left to root for them to miss the playoffs. STEP IT UP TEAMS DOWN THERE. THE WINNING SQUAD HERE WAS IMPRESSIVE. And now the Trout Fishing Club will be looking to win two in a row for the first time in aaaaaaages, while the X-Rayz will be looking to steer out of their skid (0-4-1 after starting the year 2-0) and remain in the playoff picture.

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Next Week aka This Week:   OGTFC v. Isotopes (Soon To Be Married [WHAT A MORON] Man v. Best Man), X-Rayz v. Bad Dudes (X-Rayz looking to make a statement, stop a bit of a stumble).

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MLB: Spring Training-Boston Red Sox at New York Mets
We FINALLY get Harper’s dumb mug off the weekly reviews and unfortunately I have to replace it with a dumb Red Sawk mug

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River City Bad Dudes Fucking Keep Winning (Sadly), Defeat Toms River Titans  –  8-4-2

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MVP:  Xander Bogaerts  –  Getting tired of writing this dude’s name in here so blah blah blah pretty hair blah blah, putting an emoji symbol on your bat is stupid. Also why hasn’t he stolen a base yet? NO GRIT that’s why.  10/24, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, .481 OBP 

LVP:  George Springer    Bit of a down week for Springer in Week 7 but he will have more uhhh up weeks than down, just gotta dust off the uniform and MOVE ALONG Georgey.  3/21, 2 Rs, 1 2B, 2 RBIs, .182 OBP

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Jose Abreu continues to be a solid contributor ever since being called out on the Twitter, the team that called him out has not won since CURSE OF JOSE (10/32, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs, .333 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  And also Eduardo Rodriguez is improbably rattling off QS after QS after fucking QS these days, provided 2 for the the Bad Dudes in Week 7 (14 IP, 6 ER, 13 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 3.86 ERA).

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  Just about nobody on the roster was really “of note” in a positive way for the Titans, and that is usually a sign of trouble and so I present to you Javier Baez having an okay week (4/11, 3 Rs, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, .417 OBP).

 

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  Pitching has still been reliable for the Titans and yet PITCHING ISN’T ALWAYS ENOUGH, and so I present to you Stephen Strasburg (13.2 IP, 5 ER, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 3.29 ERA).

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The Bad Dudes continued their winning ways in Week 7, having last lost in their season opener and at this point looking extremely hungry to return to the BCS (Backyard Championship Series, still trying to make it a thing) for the 3rd straight season. This time the Bad Dudes relied on a balanced attack, combining 91 Ks and 8 Ws with impressive offensive numbers to best a Titans squad that produced a mere SIXTEEN extra base hits…..easily the lowest in the league. It would have taken a lot more than that to make a run at the batting cats, with the Bad Dudes tying the season record with 23 2Bs and adding 4 3Bs (SAVE SOME FOR WHEN YOU NEED THEM) and 11 HRs to boot. The Titans simply couldn’t keep up with the bats, their calling card of a high QS total (10) and low ERA (3.080, best ERA in a week of mostly terrible ERAs) doing little to keep pace in the matchup. The Titans simply had a punchless offense, despite winning OBP, and that lack of punch put them at a severe disadvantage and cost them a chance at a third straight victory. They will look to return to their winning ways in Week 8, as they currently sit amongst a 3 way tie in last place. The Bad Dudes will look to continue NOT LOSING, I for one hope they don’t continue that. I hope they lose. Their owner is a bad dude (pun unintended).

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Next Week aka This Week:  Bad Dudes v. X-Rayz (Always a fun matchup, expect these two chatting by themselves at 11 PM next Sunday night), Titans v. Morning Wood (A “must win” I have seen it termed despite the fact that the three teams tied for “last place” are only 0.5 games out of the 6th seed).

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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Win A-Goddamned-Gain, This Time At The Expense Of The Astoria Isotopes  –  7-5-2

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MVP:  Corey Dickerson  –  I don’t know if the Carlos Correa talk that I caught a glimpse of in the chat was in response to him having a good week or what but CARLOS CORREA IS GOOD. Let us all agree that he is good. No need for debate on that.  8/18, 7 Rs, 5 HRs, 9 RBIs, .500 OBP   

LVP:  Manuel Margot    Feels kinda dirty giving an LVP to a guy that notched an all-important 3 bagger but that was literally the only thing he did across 27 ABs.  4/27, 1 3B, .179 OBP 

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BDSliderz Hitter Of Note:  A LITERAL tough break for the BDSliderz here as Freddie Freeman shall be out for a good bit of time with a broken wrist, POSSIBLE TRADE DEADLINE CANDIDATE ALERT (3/10, 5 Rs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .462 OBP).

BDSliderz  Pitcher Of Note:  Fucking Marco Estrada mannnn, I knew Dochney was legit when he beat me to a waiver claim on Marco Estrada because that was a waiver claim I didn’t expect anyone in the league to put in (13.2 IP, 6 ER, 17 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 3.95 ERA).

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‘Topes Hitter Of Note:  Just need to point out that Aaron Judge had a week where the power wasn’t really there and so he decided to steal 2 bases, now has 4 SBs on the year (8/23, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 2 SBs, .423 OBP).

‘Topes Pitcher Of Note:  Jose Berrios with his best start PROBABLY EVER, might finally be becoming a guy (7.2 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

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TEAM THAT MIGHT BE FOR REAL ALERT. These BackdoorSliderz might be for real, don’t let the name fool you. Dochney took over this team in the middle of a week against a legit Bad Dudes squad and was unable to pull out a victory, but he hasn’t failed to pull out a victory since then and now has Lacey Township sitting pretty as the 2nd seek with the Backyard nearing the regular season’s halfway point. The BDSliderz had to earn this one against a tough ‘Topes team, and they earned it on the hitters side of things by comfortable taking 6 of the 7 cats (and losing SBs 3-2). From there it was simply a matter of edging the Isotopes 76-74 in Ks in order to squeak by with the victory, a victory it would seem they owe to Marco Estrada and his 12 K Sunday performance (the BDSliderz would win the Sunday Ks battle 13-8). Estrada’s gem allowed the BDSliderz to escape with the only cat they would need on the pitching side, sidestepping a league-worst 5.927 ERA and 3 QS in the process. MORE THAN ONE WAY TO WIN A WEEK FOLKS, and now the BackdoorSliderz head into Week 8 having won 4 straight and seeking a 5th. The Isotopes will look to get back to their winning ways and avoid dropping down to .500, #KeepGregMostlyWinless2017.

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Next Week aka This Week:  BDSliderz v. Renegade Force (As the Sliderz seek their fucking 5th W in a row, IMPRESSIVE), Isotopes v. OGTFC (Best Man v. Soon To Be Married [WHAT AN IDIOT] Man).

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2017 WEEK 7 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY THE 1987 RICHARD MARX SONG “HOLD ON TO THE NIGHT”

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Manchester MooniniteZ Outhold And Outclass And Outlast Rojo’s Renegade Force, Win  –  7-6-1

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MVP:  ROYALS RELIEVERS  –  It might be a bit disingenuous to act like I was able to stream my way to a holds victory (even though that’s pretty much what I will do below) as Matt Strahm has been on the team for quite some time and Joakim Soria was added relatively early into the week (Tuesday) BUT the fact is not having to worry about saves allowed us to take our shots downfield, from a holds standpoint. If you pick up what I am putting down. Whatever we won holds. A combined:  3.2 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks, 4 Holds, 2.81 ERA

LVP:  Julio Urias    ERA was suuuuper ugly on both sides, but was actually a relatively close category until Urias came in late Saturday night and blew it all to hell for the RRF.  2.1 IP, 6 ER, 23.14 ERA   

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Joey Votto having a far better first half than what he put together last season, and I am hoping he has the exact same second half (7/27, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .375 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  For some reason Derek Holland keeps putting together good starts, and he is now available on a waiver wire near you folks (8 IP,  1 ER, 6 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.13 ERA).

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Renegade Force Hitter Of Note:  Avisail Garica is out there killing it right now, I bet Figs is super pumped (11/25, 5 Rs, 4 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 9 RBIs, .462 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note:  Yu Darvish both dazzled and disappointed, a fine week overall but his failure to garner a QS Sunday evening cost the Renegade Force a tie (12 IP, 3 ER, 16 Ks, 1 QS, 2 Ws, 2.25 ERA).

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I can honestly say that it was most important to me that I won Holds this week, more important than winning the week itself. Because now I can write 300 words blasting the Renegade Force’s SLOPPY strategy, a strategy that I will argue cost them a W on a week in which their offense was on fucking fire. First let’s credit the offense:  62 Rs, 20 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 18 HRs, 61 RBIs, 3 SBs, .3918 OBP. The RRF slapped together a team-cumulative JROLL for the ages on Monday with 16 Rs, 7 2Bs, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 14 RBIs, 1 SB, .556 OBP and really that start alone should have put them in good position to take the week here. BUT both pitching staffs sucked with theirs sucking more AND the MooniniteZ were able to turn all of their bullpen attention towards Holds after grabbing 2 Saves (ONE WOULD DO) AND the Royals actually won a few games last week. These factors combined to cost the RRF the matchup, in possibly the greatest offensive performance that group of misfits could ever hope to muster. And I hope to see some closers finding a home in Rojo’s outfit in the near future is all I can really say. It’s allll fun and games until your group of BAD holds guys only garner you 2 Holds, ya schmuck. <3. The MooniniteZ will look to make it two in a row this week while the Renegade Force will look to avoid a second straight loss in a TOUGH matchup. I think we can all agree that matchup is a tough matchup these days.

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Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. Banana Slugs (8 combined Ws here, tops for all matchups), Renegade Force v. BackdoorSliderz (7 combined Ws here and a tough test for the RRF, GRAB SOME CLOSERS OR SOMETHING)

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A BRIEF PROGRAMMING PLUG BEFORE WE GET ON TO WEEK 8, REALLLLLLY CLOSE TO THE OFFICIAL MIDPOINT OF THE SEASON. WHICH MEANS REALLLLLY CLOSE TO A MIDSEASON AWARDS POST, BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND THAT I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE INVENTED IN MY HEAD. IF ANYONE HAS ANY INTERESTING SUGGESTIONS FOR CATEGORIES FEEL FREE TO VOICE THEM IN WHATEVER FORMAT YOU ARE MOST COMFORTABLE VOICING THEM IN. OKAY ON TO WEEK 8….
2017 WEEK 7 REVIEW: SADLY THE OGTFC FINALLY WON A GAME EDITION

2017 Week 6 Review: AND ALSO (A Weak) TRADE REVIEW, HOW CARAAAAAAZAY

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2017 WEEK SIX HAPPENED, AND I HAVE EVERY INTENTION OF REVIEWING IT. BUT FIRST SOME TRADE REVIEWS. SOME ANNOYING TRADES ALSO HAPPENED. THEY WILL BE REVIEWED SUCCINCTLY IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS REVIEW IN AN UNPRESIDENTED MOVE. 

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WOOD traded Joe Jimenez, Det RP to JF16
JF16 traded Kyle Barraclough, Mia RP to WOOD
JF16 traded Rhys Hoskins, Phi 1B to WOOD

I literally have nothing to say about this. Barraclouch has walked 14 guys in 16 innings, I will say that much. Joe Jimenez might eventually be good but he’s pretty lame as a high minors guy at the moment. Rhys Hoskins has a fun name. I prefer the Joe Jimenez side ergo I prefer the OGTFC side. 

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WOOD traded Yoenis Cespedes*, NYM LF to RCBD
WOOD traded Jharel Cotton, Oak SP to RCBD
RCBD traded Vladimir Guerrero Jr., Tor RF to WOOD
RCBD traded Mitch Haniger*, Sea CF to WOOD
RCBD traded Carlos Martinez, StL SP to WOOD

In a better week this trade would likely be deserving of deeper analysis because SOME BIG PIECES changing hands here, but this isn’t a better week this is a busy week and trade reviews are starting to bore me and this is what you get. I think polls judging trades in the chat thing will be a nice new wrinkle though. Maybe that will reinvigorate me. ANYWHO I like the Morning Wood side better here, Cotton got sent the fuck down and C-Mart is an established top 20 or so arm and Haniger is seeming like a guy and Vlad Jr. WHO KNOWS maybe one day he is a guy. And all of that is a pretty big haul for Yoenis and a very-lost-looking-at-last-look Jharel Cotton.

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WOOD traded Yonder Alonso, Oak 1B to XYZ
XYZ traded Ervin Santana, Min SP to WOOD

What is to say here, Ervin Santana is the luckiest pitcher in baseball and due for some serious regression but so is Yonder I am sure. I like Yonder more. THEREFORE I PREFER THE X-RAYZ SIDE.

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Allllllrighty now onto the (vegan) meat and (vegan) potatoes of this post, THE REVIEW YOU HAVE ALL AWAITED WITH BATED BREATH

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Pictured: Paul Goldschmidt making a poo.

Rojo’s Renegade Force Kick A Team While It’s Down Like True Renegades, Defeat Q-Tip City Morning Wood  –  8-4-2

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MVP:  Paul Goldschmidt  –  Goldy is such a quiet stud that sometimes you kinda forget he is even in the league and then I look up and he fucking has 10 HRs 10 SBs already. Whatta stud.  7/23, 6 Rs, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs, 1 SB, .485 OBP     

LVP:  Eugenio Suarez    Eugenio Suarez Eugenio Sucked….ez.  4/26, 1 SB .214 OBP     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***

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Renegade Force Hitter Of Note:  I suppose this should go to the only other guy that managed multiple dongs on the RRF roster and that guy was Joey Gallo (3/19, 6 Rs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .360 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note:  Alex Wood pitched an absolute gem at Coors and I for one feel that should be commended in this here blog type thing (6 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  Yasmani Grandal with some inspired hitting, JUST LIKE I TOLD ALL OF YOU HE WOULD PROVIDE HERE HE IS PROVIDING IT (13/22, 3 Rs, 4 2Bs, 1 HR, 8 RBIs, .625 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  Zack Greinke has been good and truthfully we probably all owe him an apology for turning him into a “NOT IDEAL” meme, or at least Lobman and I do (8 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.13 ERA).

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RENEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADES. I don’t want to be too complimentary because I am currently engaged in battle with the RRF and they put a helluva Monday on me, but they have a bit of a rag tag misfits of fantasy baseball thing going and I LIKE IT. The RRF give currently give no fucks about throwing ABs to any old schmo and some of those schmos showed up in Week 6 (and again now in Week 7), the Tommy Phams and Ryan Schimpfs of the world. The RRF mixed and matched their way to 55 Runs and a .370 OBP, nearly doubling the boners and their 30 Runs. Aside from a 9-5 edge in QS for the RRF, who went a perfect 9 for 9 before coming undone on Sunday, everything stayed relatively close with just too many cats going narrowly in Rojo’s favor. OF NOTE would be Eric Hosmer pulling 3 SBs out of his ass to help the RRF take that category 7-3. Alright so I guess that one wasn’t that close either. OTHER ONES THOUGH. Close. SHANE SHOULD BE SUFFICIENTLY HUMBLED AT THIS POINT. And so he will look to snap a FOUR GAME losing streak in Week 7; the Renegades will look to beat me and win their second straight and that is just rude of them.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Renegade Force v. MooniniteZ (The RRF vs. both their biggest fan and biggest detractor, for it just pains me to see this holds strategy still in existence CONFORM OR DIE ROJO), Morning Wood v. Banana Slugs (Morning Wood surely desperate to stop the slide here, or about as desperate as one can be 1/3 through the season).

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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Continue Their Winning Ways, Show No Loyalty, Defeat Point Loma X-Rayz  –  7-3-4

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MVP:  Michael Conforto  –  Conforto continues to defy the will of the baseball gods by being on the Mets and not sucking, surely a lightning bolt will strike him down soon. Until that happens he will probably look pretty good.  8/21, 8 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .458 OBP

LVP:  Jose Ramirez    Odom and I just had a discussion about how sexy Jose Ramirez has been and then I have to uncover THIS today? I feel cheap.  4/22, 3 Rs, .217 OBP

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BDSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Alex Bregman with the least impressive JROLL of the season BUT A JROLL IS STILL A JROLL (5/23, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, 1 SB, .250 OBP).

BDSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  On the one hand  Jacob DeGrom had 18 Ks in 12 innings but on the other hand he had a 5.25 ERA but still THAT FIRST HAND THOUGH (12 IP, 7 ER, 18 Ks, 1 QS, 5.25 ERA).

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Brandon Drury have yourself a week, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS CHRIS OWINGS (9/20, 3 Rs, 4 2Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .476 OBP)?

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Robbie Ray had a chance to put up 20 Ks in a 2 start week and instead he put up 10 Ks which is only 1 more K than the runs he allowed so that is a bit disappointing I guess (9 IP, 9 ER, 10 Ks, 9.00 ERA).

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The dude out in Lacey done done it again, and he can now present the argument that he has yet to lose on a full week in the Backyard.  HE SHOULDN’T though because that’s a recipe for being humbled by the Backyard Gods and we have already seen what they are capable of (cough AM erections cough). But enough about erections, this one was actually a bit closer than the final score might indicate or maybe it was precisely as close as indicated HENCE the 4 ties. Lacey used superior power and superior strikeouts to take down THE MAN WHO BROUGHT THEM INTO THIS MESS, not that anyone should be thanked for such things. So yea I’m okay with it. The two squads battled to a 51-51 tie in Runs and that number would have been enough to defeat everyone except the Renegade Force in Week 6 but that is life in the NFL. Eric Thames came back down to earth a bit for the X-Rayz but yanno that has to happen from time to time this is a game of order. Jedd Gyorko (6 RBIs) and Jonathan Villar (5 RBIs) had fine weeks for the BackdoorSliderz but yanno Villar was due to turn it around a bit and whom knows what Gyorko’s deal is, that man has never been better. And the league has arguably never been better, so expect no easy weeks from here on out. Lacey will look to make it FOUR STRAIGHT in Week 7 while the X-Rayz will look to climb back to .500 and remain in the murky hurky jurky playoff picture.

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Next Week aka This Week:   BDSliderz v. Isotopes (MATCHUP OF THE WEEK if I were still picking matchup of the weeks ahead of time, which I am not), X-Rayz v. OGTFC (Here’s to hoping Heroy’s magical winless season continues).

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Gettin real tired of this guy’s face….

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River City Bad Dudes Continue Their Winning Ways, Batter The Battered Barnegat Banana Slugs  –  7-3-4

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MVP:  Bryce Harper  –  Getting tired of writing this dude’s name in here so blah blah blah pretty hair blah blah, putting an emoji symbol on your bat is stupid. Also why hasn’t he stolen a base yet? NO GRIT that’s why.  10/24, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, .481 OBP 

LVP:  Jake Arrieta    Hey Jake Arrieta hasn’t been too good huh?  9.2 IP, 9 Rs, 8 Ks, 8.38 ERA

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Oh you mean ASIDE from Harper, uhhh I dunno Xander Bogaerts looked decent but fuck him (8/24, 1 R, 4 2Bs, 3 RBIs, 2 SBs, .407 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  And also Marcus Stroman continues to be fairly impressive as far as midgets pitchers go (12 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.50 ERA).

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  SIGNS OF LIFE FROM JOSE BAUTISTA EVERYONE, guy even swiped a bag (5/22, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, 1 SB, .393 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  NOPE and now he is all banged up, I think Aledmys wins any injury weeks by default so this thing is prepared to swing the other way….

Current Tally: Trevor Story 3, Aledmys Diaz 3.

But Also Was Trevor Story Better Than Chris Owings This Week?:  DOUBLE NOPE

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Max Scherzer definitely got boned on the Ws front in Week 6, which may partly explain the Slugs only racking up 3 Ws total (14 IP, 5 ER, 19 Ks, 2 QS, 3.21 ERA).

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BATTLE OF THE OLLLLLE HALF STOMACHS. Or something. And the one that makes himself sweet potato tacos and all this other healthy shit won the battle and I don’t want to read anything into it BUT……it happened. Read into it what you may (the Slugs need to eat more salad or else their entire team will hit the DL). Truthfully the Slugs battled valiantly in areas in this one, 8 QS and a .362 OBP are nothing to sneeze at. But pairing all those quality starts with a 4.46 ERA is a bit odd, and the hermaphroditic slugs from Barnegat also posted the lowest HR and RBI totals for Week 6. Meaning the Bad Dudes needed only modest totals in those categories, which is precicely what they got. The Dudes also did a much better job getting Ws with their QS (8 QS, 9 Ws for River City versus 8 QS, 3 Ws for the Slugs), and combined that with a good enough 78 Ks and a certainly good enough 3.74 ERA and THAT IS BASICALLY YOUR MATCHUP FOLKS. Praise due to the Bad Dudes for innings maximization, as they had plenty of guys get sorta blown up and gave up 36 ER total but did it in 86.2 IP. The Banana Slugs gave up 3 more runs in 8 fewer innings, finishing 4 Ks short of River City’s total. The Slugs will seek better results in Week 7, while the Bad Dudes seek to continue their NON-LOSING ways as they have not lost since Week 1. Best of luck to neither of them.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Bad Dudes v. Titans (Da Dudes looking to keep a firm grip on a first round bye, Da Titans looking to win their 3rd in a row after an 0-4 start), Banana Slugs v. Morning Wood (Battle o’ the in-laws).

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Astoria Isotopes FLAT OUT ESCAPE With A W, Narrowly Defeat The Manchester MooniniteZ  –  6-5-3

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MVP:  Charlie Blackmon  –  This sonofabitch and his two triples. Sonofabitch.  6/21, 5 Rs, 2 3Bs, 1 SB, .348 OBP

LVP:  Edwin Encarnacion    This sonofabitch and his empty OBP, KEEP YOUR EMPTY OBP. I still love him though.  3/20, 2 Rs, .370 OBP   

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Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Cody Bellinger continues to fuck shit up which is annoying cuz it is like THE ONEEE TIME T has stumbled into a top prospect, I have no evidence to support this but I believe it to be true (7/27, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .375 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  Greg Holland has also been a bit of a destroyer of worlds and it is high time I acknowledge it in here, fittingly in the week I faced him since I dropped him for Blake fucking Treinen (3 IP,  ER, 6 Ks, 3 Saves, 0.00 ERA).

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  At least I get to proudly display a Keon Broxton JROLL, FIRST OF MANY FOLKS (10/25, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, 2 SBs, .423 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  Somehow Trevor Cahill seems to be a guy somehow (11.1 IP, 3 ER, 14 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 2.38 ERA).

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Thissssss fucking matchup. THE SEQUEL. This time it was the MooniniteZ seeking to salvage a tie in the Sunday night game, and for the briefest of moments they had just that as Gary Sanchez crossed home in the bottom of the 9th to give the MooniniteZ a 39-38 edge in the runs column. UNFORTUNATELY the man that knocked him in (Starlin Castro) was on the ‘Topes, and even more unfortunately he strolled into second on fielder’s indifference, and most unfortunately yet another ‘Tope (Aaron Judgethen knocked him in, re-tying the Rs category and sealing the L for the MMz. Castro scored thrice that DAY due to the doubleheader but I am not mad, just disappointed. Truthfully the MooniniteZ DESERVED IT for coming in as the only other team failing to reach double digit dongs, although they finally hit a few with a few on base to give them a 2nd-to-only-the-OGTFC (more on them below) 46 RBIs in Week 6. Manchester was just one hold or one SB or one run or one triple short of tying this thing up, although it also could have easily been farther out of reach with Manchester edging Astoria in OBP .3372 to .3355. And to add insult to injury we came up JUST SHORT of the Ks record once again, recording a season-high (but not all-time high) 107 Ks. BUT I DIGRESS. Ultimately this one came down to the Yanks-Astros double header, as both Judge and Castro homered in the early game and Sanchez only played in the evening game. For those and other reasons the MooniniteZ head into Week 7 trying to avoid their first losing streak, while the Isotopes head into Week 7 seeking another W in a surprisingly effective early season campaign. Probably cuz they are filled with Yankees and the Yankees have been surprisingly effective. JUST PUT THAT TOGETHER ON THE SPOT.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Isotopes v. BDSliderz (A formidable test for the better-record-than-we-had-hoped-for-at-this-juncture Isotopes), MooniniteZ v. Renegade Force (ALREADY GOT COLLECTIVELY JROLLED BY THE RRF ON MONDAY THAT’S KEWL)

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2017 WEEK 6 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY THE 1982 BALTIMORE COLTS

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The Toms River Titans Keep The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Winless And At This Point This Is Getting Pretty Funny  –  7-6-1

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MVP:  Carlos Correa  –  I don’t know if the Carlos Correa talk that I caught a glimpse of in the chat was in response to him having a good week or what but CARLOS CORREA IS GOOD. Let us all agree that he is good. No need for debate on that.  10/22, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 10 RBIs, .519 OBP   ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP:  Tyler Glasnow    And perhaps Tyler Glasnow is……bad? Maybe he isn’t bad but he is bad for now. A WHIP over 2 sure ain’t good and that is what he had when I wrote this so…..bad (2.08).  2.1 IP, 7 ER, 3 Ks, 27.00 ERA 

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  George Springer also had a nice little week so my deductive reasoning tells me the Astros had a nice little week, at least from a scoring runs perspective and I mean whom here is even paying attention to actual baseball team records aside from you sad Mets fans (7/24, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .393 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  Alex Wood pitched a pretty nice game at Pitt as well, and HOW ABOUT THAT 2 Pitcher of Note shoutouts to Alex Wood for 2 different teams in the same week and now he is on a third team and that team is my team (5 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Mookie Betts had a fine week but now it has all been spoiled by Greg saying that “the mookman has delivered” thing the other day (9/24, 8 Rs, 4 2Bs, 3 HRs, 11 RBIs, 1 SB, .483 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  THE COVETED Kyle Barraclough with a nice debut for the Fishing Club (0.1 IP, 4 ER, 108.00 ERA).

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Another week, another non-win for the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club. At this point I am comfortable admitting that I will be making Greg’s matchup the matchup of the week so long as he keeps not winning them so let’s keep ’em coming gentlemen. This week’s fiasco for the Fishing Club ended much like most of the other fiascos, with heartbreak arriving late on a Sunday evening. I am trying to piece this together forensically and it APPEARS what had happened was Anthony Rendon scored two runs in the Sunday evening game to give the Titans the edge in the runs category and thus the victory, BEAUTIFUL in that this game wouldn’t even be an evening game if not for the doubleheader situation the Nats and Phillies found themselves in. So now it seems like the fantasy gods are just toying with Greg. If not for the whole losing thing the OGTFC looked pretty good in this one, with a week-leading 20 HRs and 55 RBIs and 7 Saves. All great numbers, all not good enough for the W (as usual).  For the Titans, they were able to pull this one out with guts and guile and good pitching. Narrow victories in the Runs and Doubles categories were good enough thanks to the Titans hurlers ability to strike out guys while also limiting runs while also throwing a complete game while also collecting Wins while also grabbing a Hold here and there (84 Ks, 3.81 ERA, 1 CG, 7 Ws, 3 Holds, NO SAVES weirdly enough who does he think he is Rojo?). Obviously not all of those things happened in the same game, but all of those things happened and all of those things were better than OceanGate’s things in those categories (OceanGate did win QS 8-7, so congrats there?). IN THE END, as in all previous ends, the Trout Fishing Club move along to Week 7 sans their first victory. Meanwhile the Toms River Titans have won 2 straight heading into a big time battle with the Bad Dudes that share their same town (and neighborhood) but stylize it as River City #Geography #ShitLooksLikeManchesterToMeThough. All would be wise not to sleep on the Titans, feel free to sleep on the Trout Fishing Club fuck them and their terrible title defense.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Titans v. Bad Dudes (Would be a big early season W for the Titans here), OGTFC v. X-Rayz (Guy that probably uses the term “colored person” on his best days vs. a colored person).

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WE ARE NOW THIRTY THREE PERCENT THROUGH THE 2017 REGULAR SEASON. PLEASE MAKE A NOTE OF IT. WE NOW BRING YOU TO WEEK 7, ALREADY VERY MUCH IN PROGRESS….
2017 Week 6 Review: AND ALSO (A Weak) TRADE REVIEW, HOW CARAAAAAAZAY

2017 Week 5 Review: That One Got A Little Out Of Hand

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2017 WEEK FIVE WAS CRAAAAAAAAAZAYYYYYYYYY. TWO MATCHUPS HUNG IN THE BALANCE UNTIL THE LATEST STAGES OF THE SUNDAY NIGHT GAME THAT WOULD NOT DIE, AND THE TOMS RIVER TITANS FINALLY WON A MATCHUP. THE TROUT FISHING CLUB STILL HAVEN’T THOUGH. THIS ABOUT SUMS UP THE CRAZINESS BUT I WILL GO INTO IT IN (SLIGHTLY) MORE DETAIL BELOW…..

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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Claim Title Of Most Feared New Guy, Soundly Defeat Q-Tip City Morning Wood  –  10-3-1

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MVP:  Adam Duvall  –  It pains me to give this to Mr. Duvall because this blog has always prided itself on being very anti-Adam Duvall, often with little to no facts to back the opinion up. And now here he is putting up a week that was but a single stolen base away from a JROLL.  9/24, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .429 OBP     

LVP:  Carlos Gonzalez    CarGo had himself A Week To Forget in Week 5, similar to that A Walk To Remember movie but way more depressing (I’ve never seen it but I am assuming Shane has). 1/16, .118 OBP     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***

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BDSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Michael Conforto had a very nice little week so it is now fair to speculate on just how the Mets are going to fuck that up (8/24, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 7 RBIs, .467 OBP).

BDSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  Corey Knebel‘s work out of the bullpen impressed me here, as a respecter of  fine bullpen work (4 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, 3 Holds, 0.00 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  Jay Bruce certainly did his damnedest to make this thing go a different way for the Boner Squad, but alas it ’twas not to be (6/25, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 9 RBIs, .345 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  Amir Garrett rebounded nicely as a young kid coming off a disastrous outing against the Brewers, and now his biggest issue is only having 14 IP left of minors eligibility and a fastball that impresses nobody OH AND ALSO the fact that he just got sent down for innings management purposes (13 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.77 ERA).

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BATTLE OF THE NEW GUYS. This one amounted to not much of a battle at all, as Q Tip City got swept across the board in the offensive categories which makes it hard for one’s team to win one’s week. The BackdoorSliderz set the tone early in this one racing out to 14 Rs, 7 HRs, and 16 RBIs on Monday night. And they just never looked back folks. INTERESTINGLY the Sliderz ran out to 17 total HRs yet only one man on the team had more than 2 HRs and that guy only had 3 (Marcel Ozuna). As for the Engorged Penii, well they got 7 QS on the week and that ain’t bad? Not much more to be said here. SHANE CONTINUES TO BE HUMBLED.

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Next Week aka This Week:  BackdoorSliderz v. X-Rayz (Dochney attempts to thank Odom for bringing him in with an ass whoopin’), Morning Wood v. Renegade Force (Shane attempts to win another gotdamned week before the season ends).

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Rick Porcello
Look at this turd…..
Barnegat Banana Slugs Hand Rojo’s Renegade Force a Healthy Huwhoopin’, Win  –  9-3-2

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MVP:  Rick Porcello  –  Unfortunately Rick Porcello has not regressed enough this season to where we could trigger Brian over it but GIVE IT TIME I say, all I need is like a mildly rough June or something we are fake news anyways.  13 IP, 3 ER, 13 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.08 ERA

LVP:  Salvador Perez    Salvy chipped in 3 RBIs but was mostly just a minus out of the catcher position, which in his defense is often just a minus.  3/21, 3 RBIs, .174 OBP

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  The Slugs O had some pretttttty pathetic HR and RBI totals in Week 5, meaning Ryan Zimmerman accounted for precisely 33% of their HRs and 20% of their RBIs here (10/20, 6 Rs, 4 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .545 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  NOPE

Current Tally: Trevor Story 3, Aledmys Diaz 2.

But Also Was Trevor Story Better Than Chris Owings This Week?:  I dunno maybe

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  But hey at least Max Scherzer did typical Scherzer things (7 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.29 ERA).

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Renegade Force Hitter Of Note:  I don’t know why I keep feeling compelled to point out when Hunter Pence doesn’t do well but it has basically been all season and HERE I AM pointing it out again it must be something against the swing (5/24, 3 Rs, 1 HR, 3 RBIs, .200 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note:  That is moreeee like it Johnny Cueto (14 IP, 5 ER, 16 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 3.21 ERA).

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The Banana Slugs rebounded from a whiny Week 4 victory to put up another impressive and I think less whiny victory? I will have to check the chat logs, BUT YEA I think that was the case. And truly the Slugs have been the most snakebitten via injury team in all the league this year so credit has to be given for Brian steering them to a 3-1-1 record, tied with a bunch of other teams for first in all the land and in sole possesion of first in the (badly in need of a renaming) American Division or whatever. The Slugs got it done in Week 5 by putting up a tight 8 QS and being the only team to post a sub-3 ERA (2.842), always a commendable feat as it has only happened upon 3 other occasions in 2017. Good-lookin’ pitchin’ numbers across the board mixed with a high OBP and two all-important triples helped make up for an absolute POWER OUTAGE in Barnegat, as they racked up a mere 6 HRs and 25 RBIs. Nevertheless, they persisted. The Renegades of Rojoville actually put up fairly great power numbers (15 HRs, 49 RBIs), lead by Joey Gallo, Paul Goldschmidt, and Josh Harrison somehow. However they continue to be the only team openly punting a category and it continues to be the wrong category to punt of the two relief categories and they are not good enough to punt a category because just about nobody is good enough to do that in this league. BACK TO NINTH PLACE WITH YA.

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Next Week aka This Week:   Slugs v. Bad Dudes (Brian attempts to maintain a civil matchup with Lobman but not for very long), Renegade Force v. Morning Wood (Rojo attempts to be taken seriously with that fucking name and its corresponding record).

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Toms River Titans Get On The Board Folks, At The Expense Of The Astoria Isotopes  –  6-4-4

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MVP:  Clayton Kershaw  –  Bet you thought I was gonna give this to Baez, BUT THE PICTURES DON’T HAVE TO MATCH THE MVPS ALWAYS THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE SO FORMULAIC. In a matchup that hinged somewhat upon Ks and QS in the end, Clayton had more Ks than anyone not named Chris Sale and 2 of the 4 QS the Titans put up. Good enough for me.  13.1 IP, 4 ERs, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.70 ERA

LVP:  Khris Davis    Khris Davis, a man whom has given the ‘Topes so much in ’17, went out and gave them mostly nothing in (Week) 5.  5/26, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI, .222 OBP

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  Javier Baez did in fact have himself a JROLL though, and ‘ROUND HERE WE CELEBRATE JROLLS particularly when they come against former owners (11/29, 7 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, 2 SBs, .400 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  But also Chris Sale was pretty damn good and had his own case for MVP with all the Ks and such (14 IP, 6 ER, 21 Ks, 1 QS, 2 Ws, 3.86 ERA).

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Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  CODY BELLINGER JROLL, this young man has a bright future folks (9/21, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 12 RBIs, 1 SB, .455 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  Jeff Samardzija tossed himself a gem (but the Giants couldn’t grab him a W cuz they’re the Giants) in Week 5, which is annoying because then I have to type out his annoying last name and then I get sad when I realize I have memorized how to spell it (8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 0.00 ERA).

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FINALLY THE TITANS HAVE TASTED THE SWEET TASTE OF VICTORY. And one can only assume they like the taste, perhaps sweetened by coming at the expense of those uppity Astorians. The ‘Topes represented this as being one of those matchups that came down to Sunday night but DID IT EVER REALLY? I say no, miracle Aaron Judge triples aside. And that is perhaps the most interesting aspect of this matchup, as both squads ended up with 4 triples a piece and MAN must that be annoying to get 4 of those things and still not take the category. The ‘Topes dominated in HRs (17-12) but still came up 2 runs short against the TR Titans, and the Titans went 3-1-3 in pitching categories despite not exactly displaying the dominant pitching they were known for coming into this season (probably because the staff has been ravaged by injuries). For those scoring at home, Javier Baez outdueled Starlin Castro in a battle of mediocre middle infielders that were traded for one another. It seems Ben Zobrist might be fading away into nothing so keep an eye out for Javy going forward, kid’s got talent SO THEY SAY. Anyways the Titans are still in the Backyard Basement but at least the door to the upstairs has cracked open a bit. FEEL THE WARMTH OF THE LIGHT UPON YOUR FACES, TITANS.

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Next Week aka This Week: Titans v.  OGTFC (Titans attempt to keep the OGTFC sans wins and I think we can allll admit we want them to), Isotopes v. MooniniteZ (T attempts to avenge his fallen comrade).

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Point Loma X-Rayz Rally Via Yankee Reliever, Tie The Manchester MooniniteZ  –  6-6-2

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MVP:  YANKEES RELIEVERS  –  AThe two-headed monster of Dellin Betances and Aroldis Chapman came on late Sunday night to claw the X-Rayz back to a tie, a particularly cruel twist since the MooniniteZ have owned both of them in the past as recently as last season I think.  A combined 5.1 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, 1 W, 2 Saves, 2 Holds, 5.29 ERA

LVP:  Yasmany Tomas    This sonofabitch gave me nothing over 13 ABs, plus I already had Yasiel Puig in this spot from last week’s review so the laziest move would be to turn Yasiel to Yasmany.  1/13, .294 OBP   

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Billy Hamilton HAD HIMSELF THE WEEK OF HIS LIFE and while I didn’t even award it MVP performance of the matchup, this is your     ***MVP OF THE WEEK***     (11/31, 11 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 1 HR, 8 RBIs, 9 SBs, .429 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Jason Vargas continues to astounddd and amazeeee me with how not terrible he is all of a sudden (12 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.75 ERA).

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Matt Carpenter finally woke the fuck up, hitting more HRs last week than in alllll the other weeks combined to give him a serviceable 7 big flys on the season (7/21, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH EVERY HR THIS TEAM GETS IS A SOLO SHOT, .533 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  Most of my pitchers were pretty fucking MEH last week but not Lance McCullers my precious (13.1 IP, 2 ER, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 1.35 ERA).

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Thissssss fucking matchup. It would be beneath me and contrary to the respect I have for my opponent here if we were to just go back and count missed opportunities for strikeouts or whatfuckingever, particularly because of the following sequence experienced by the X-Rayz:  Zack Wheeler goes 3 innings while only giving up one run against the Braves (who the fuck can remember how many Ks), then the game gets postponed and that start gets wiped away. In a reactionary move (I think) the X-Rayz turn to Wade Miley, a K artist this season for whatever reason, and he only makes it two outs into his Friday start before getting drilled by back-to-back comebackers and ending up forced out of the game. SO THAT puts to rest any talk about tough breaks one way or another (wahhhh Trevor Cahill got rained out), and so with that backdrop we ended up upon the Sunday night game. If the Cubs can yanno BE GOOD as they are supposed to they probably handle the Yankees at home and the X-Rayz two-headed NYY bullpen monster never sees the game, but the Cubs were not good and Dellin Betances appeared in the 8th inning with the X-Rayz needing 4 Ks to tie the MooniniteZ and 5 Ks to outright win the damn thing. And with the two Yankees relievers 5 Ks is DOWNRIGHT PROBABLY, which you really can’t say for any other relief duo in baseball outside of maybe those guys in Cleveland. ANYWHO Betances has a rocky inning but gets his 2 Ks, the Yankees fail to tack on an insurance run that might take this thing out of save territory, and in comes Aroldis Chapman in the 9th needing 2 Ks to tie 3 to win and Odom not giving a damn how many runs he gives up to get there. Chapman ends up being EQUALLY ROCKY and unfortunately that not giving a damn part has its limits; Chapman goes BB, single, K (now needs 1 to tie), single (run scores), single (2nd run scores), K (and we are now tied folks), eventual intentional BB, and then HITS Rizzo with the bases loaded to force in a 3rd run tying the game. Now if the Yankees leave him in it’s very possible he gets a 3rd K fucking EVENTUALLY and the X-Rayz win, but he was too shaky so he ends up leaving with a hold and this matchup ends up tied AS IT WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE. I’ve already spent too much time talking about this one but just want to end by saying Billy Hamilton maybe had the best line I have seen all year, without his many many runs the X-Rayz take the L before Sunday night starts and all that drama is wasted. BILLY FUCKING HAMILTON. Billy fucking…….Hamilton.

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Next Week aka This Week:  X-Rayz v. BDSliderz (X-Rayz attempt to jump back above .500 at the expense of the guy they brought into this mess of a league), MooniniteZ v. Isotopes (I attempt to avoid pedophilia jokes because they are just out of line)

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2017 WEEK 5 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY BROOKS BROTHERS

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Brooks Brothers………. SO MANY FUCKING TIES
 
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The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Rally To Continue Their Magical Winless Season, Steal Tie From The Jaws Of Defeat, Tie The River City Bad Dudes In One Of The Craziest Matchups I Have Ever Seen  –  6-6-2

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MVP:  Mike Montgomery  –  Matchup MVPs are a funny thing, especially in the way that I can award them to some random reliever who just managed to pitch two scoreless innings with 2 Ks in an 18 inning Yanks-Cubs game.  2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, 0.00 ERA

LVP:  Patrick Corbin    If one is to assign blame one might assign it to the person most detrimental to the Bad Dude’ ERA’s health and that person was Patrick Corbin BUT I MEAN HE WAS IN COORS.  4 IP, 8 ER, 3 Ks, 18.00 ERA 

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Not gonna lie to ya, most of the OGTFC hitters floated between “bad” and “fucking bad” and he probably deserved to lose but he tied instead and I guess Kris Bryant helped in that endeavor (10/29, 4 Rs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 2 RBIs, .457 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  Pitching was okay though, lead by Gerrit Cole and his fine two start performance (13 IP, 3 ER, 15 Ks, 2 QS, 2.08 ERA).

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Manny Machado spent the beginning of his week just angrily bashing taters against the Red Sox in between dodging bean balls (8/29, 7 Rs, 4 HRs, 8 RBIs, 1 SB, .323 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Rather than point out a good performance by sayyy Alex Cobb let’s point out another shit performance that helped cost the Dudes the ERA cat, Marcus Stroman everyone (3 IP, 5 ER, 2 Ks, 15.00 ERA).

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It is with great pleasure that I present to you, in 3 parts, the Bad Dudes snatching a victory from the jaws of a tie and then snatching a tie from the jaws of a victory.

ACT 1

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The Bad Dudes head into the Sunday night game with ALOTTA OPTIONS thanks to a Xander Bogaerts triple earlier in the day, now they simply need to avoid any flukey triples outta Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant and hope they scuffle enough at the plate to cost the OGTFC the tie (OBP was very close, and let me just COMMEND Heroy for playing for the W here fuck ties). Fast forward a bit to that Aroldis Chapman nightmare sequence above and at that time River City is still stuck in a tie and hoping for an unlikely Chap meltdown, PRECISELY WHAT THEY GET.

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ACT 2

Wade Davis enters in the top of the 10th and promptly strikes out the wholeeee fucking side, tying the Bad Dudes with the OGTFC and giving them the slim lead in ERA. Rejoicing in the streets of River City. A win that would give them sole possession of the (stupidly named) National Division or whatever firmly in their grasp, so long as this game gets over and done with in a prompt fashion. The game does not get over and done with in a prompt fashion.

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ACT 3

TWO POINT FIVE more innings go by. You would think at this point if Rizzo or Bryant had gotten out a few more times in this game OBP might have swung River City’s way once and for all, but Rizzo will end up with a .556 OBP on the day and Bryant a .333 and those won’t cut it. After going through Carl Edwards and Koji Uehara the Cubs are downright FORCED to go to Mike Montgomery, miraculously hanging out in one of the OGTFC’s SP slots. Montgomery fires two scoreless innings with 2 Ks (the game goes on another fucking 3 innings after that) and with those innings both ERA and Strikeouts return to the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club, and this mess ends in a tie. Your fair writer isn’t even sure if Lobman watched the whole thing at that point but your fair writer likes the mental image of it and thinks that mental image will be enough to keep your fair writer warm on the coldest of nights. WHATTA JOY. I only wish it happened later in the season with greater playoff implications, but we will get to later in the season soon enough. For now let’s all just savor this. Fuck both these teams though.

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Next Week aka This Week:  OGTFC v. Titans (Heroy maybe attempts to win a matchup? Not even sure he is even attempting to at this point), Bad Dudes v. Banana Slugs (The Bad Dudes attempt to beat the Banana Slugs badly and don’t let them tell you any differently with “love you Bri” messages in the chat and shit).

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WEEK 5 WAS OUR CRAZIEST WEEK YET BUT IT IS OVER NOW AND IT IS TIME FOR EVERYONE TO MOVE ON WITH THEIR LIVES. WEEK 6 YOU ARE UP.
2017 Week 5 Review: That One Got A Little Out Of Hand