When the dust settled after WEEK 14 the Backyard found a weeeee bit of separation between the potential playoff participants and the potential playoff non-participants…. and also there was one tie.  I stress the “weeee” part because really the playoffs remain in play for everyone except Cliff, and that’s only because Cliff has a laissez-faire attitude towards this league BUT WHY BEAT A DEAD HORSE THERE.  Week 15 is far more exciting with UNLIMITED STREAMING PITCHERS POTENTIAL but alas, Week 15 hasn’t happened yet so I have to talk about Week 14 instead.  Let’s talk about it…..

MVP:  Eduardo Nunez– Let’s give a little shout out to this guy, who saw this coming from THIS GUY AMIRITE?  Nobody that’s who.  Eduardo Nunez has been a little stud this season.  And very quietly, there are six players in baseball with 20+ steals and the MooniniteZ roster 3 of them.  Eduardo is one of those 3, in case that was unclear.  9/27, 4 runs 2 doubles 1HR 6RBIs 3SBs .367 OBP.

LVP:  Cliff – Not only does Cliff employ a bullpen consisting of two closers and that is it, but he also couldn’t even suck properly and managed to remove his 13th starter at the 11th hour.  When I become commissioner and throw him out of the league I am just going to tell him he started 13 this week and I doubt he even remembers otherwise.  The end is nigh, Clifford.

We should just go ahead and get this one out of the way first.  Don’t let the score fool you this matchup was never really in doubt, as Cliff’s puny bullpen had the MooniniteZ confident from day 1.  Also the fact that the MooniniteZ had won 4 straight going into the matchup and cannot fucking be stopped, and the Bulldogs had lost 4 straight and cannot fucking be started.  So yea now those numbers are both at 5 straight cuz that is how math works.  Truth be told the MooniniteZ didn’t hit all that great, one can only assume because they didn’t have to.  Amassing 3 triples (Arenado, Leonys Martin, Aledmys Diaz) and 9 SBs (3 from Nunez, 2 from Rajai Davis) gave the MooniniteZ the only categories they would really need when facing such a fatally flawed roster.  And fatally flawed it was.  Cliff’s lack of bullpen allows most teams an easy opportunity to grab 2 categories off of a team that can’t really afford to give away 2 categories, while also costing him opportunities to add Ks.  DOES IT EVEN MATTER THOUGH?  DOES HE EVEN GET TO 12 STARTS HALF THE TIME?  Whom knows.  For the MooniniteZ, James Paxton got boned out of a CG in Week 14 as the Mariners pulled him after he was at 78 pitches through 8 innings.  Steve Cishek promptly blew the game.  Feels like something worth mentioning.  For the Bulldogs, I should probably note that Madison Bumgarner had a dominant week (15IP, 0ER, 20Ks, 2QS, 1CG, 1W).  But it doesn’t even really matter, though.  Someone get Cliff to trade Bumgarner he deserves better.

Next Week aka This Week:  ME v. Lobman (OH BOY), Cliff v. Brian (OH WHO GIVES A SHIT).

Barnegat Banana Slugs Go All Great Tiger on the Pine Lake Punchouts Ass –  9-3-2

MVP: Josh Donaldson – THIS GUY is really rounding into form eh?  He is.  He most certainly is.  If only he hadn’t waited until like age 27 to be so very good, the HOF just might be taking note.  BUT IT ISN’T.  9/24, 7 runs 1 double 3HRs 7RBIs .516 OBP.

LVP:  Ryan Braun – Thanks for fucking nothin’ Ryan Braun.  2/16, 1 steal .176 OBP.  That is literally it.

The Runner Up Curse ™ continues to lure Brian into a false sense of security that at this point strikes me as cruel more than anything.  This time, the curse’s great deception came at the expense of 2014 league champion Ryan and his Pine Lake Punchouts, whom have struggled and insert boxing metaphors and such.  One likely needs to look no further than the fact that the Banana Slugs hit 19 HRs, as this is a category that affects all other categories and do not let Odom tell you otherwise.  the Banana Slugs (3HRs a piece from Ortiz, Donaldson, and Brad Miller somehow….2HRs a piece from Story and Forsythe)  outslugged the Punchouts (3HRs from Nick Castellanos, nobody else had more than 1) 19-12 and this helped them take runs and RBIs in the matchup as well.  Combined that with a solid 9SBs and .367 OBP and the Punchouts would have to have pitched REALLY well to have a puncher’s chance here.  A 4.44 ERA says they pitched MEH, as has been the case of late.  Closer inspection reveals that great work by several pitchers (Mike Leake, Wainwright, Strasburg, and Chen all with 7IP 1ER performances) was undone by the terrible work of a few (4ER in 3.1IP for Fiers, 5ER in 5IP for Rodon, 8ER in 5IP for Chris Sale somehow).  The Banana Slugs were able to absorb a pair of poor performances from John Lackey (10ER in 12IP) on the strength of some excellent work out of their other two-start pitchers (Scherzer 13IP 1ER 16Ks 2QS 1W, Tyler Anderson 12IP 5ER 8Ks QS 1W).  Throw all that shit together and you have a week where the Banana Slugs put up a 3.68ERA and grab narrow victories in the Ks and holds cats, with a less narrow victory in the saves cat (Slugs won 6-3).  TOO MANY CATS for Brian became a problem for Ryan in the fantasy world, too many cats for Joanna a problem for Ryan in the real world.  Life is cruel.

Next Week aka This Week:  Slugs v. Bulldogs (OH JUST GIVE BRIAN THE W NOW), Ryan’s Punchouts v. T’s ‘Topes (BATTLE OF GUYS WHO SOMETIMES DID THAT HAIR FLIPPED UP IN THE FRONT THING WITH THEIR HAIR.

OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Tie Rojo’s Resurgence in the Loss Column by Handing Rojo’s Resurgence a Loss – 9-5-0

MVP: Jason Kipnis – GET YOU SOME JASON KIPNIS.  Sidenote:  It feels like Jason Kipnis has been on Heroy’s team for 11 years.  11/27, 10 runs 4 doubles 3HRs 3RBIs .467 OBP.

LVP:  Danny Espinosa – Rojo attempted to hitch his wagon to a smoking hot bat and the fantasy gods decided that was petty and the bat INSTANTLY cooled.  4/20, 1 run 1SB .238 OBP and thattttt is it.

In a battle that Rojo’s Resurgence would reallllly have liked to take heading into the All Star Break, the Trout Fishing Club was not having it.  Not having none of it.  The Resurgence didn’t need much help in order to desurge themselves, putting up a mere 8HRs and 35RBIs for the week.  But the Fishing Club just wanted to leave no stone unturned and so they went out and set THE ALL TIME LEAGUE RECORD for runs (71) while also dropping in 17HRs and an impressive .422 OBP (and a weirdly low 45RBIs).  Gregory F. Lesswithmore would be proud.  A quick scan of the runs for the week shows Kipnis chipping in 10, 9 a piece for Trout and Kris Bryant, 7 for Rizzo, and a whole bunch of guys with 5 and 4 and such you get the point LOTTA RUNS.  By contrast Rojo’s Resurgence put up 52 runs, which is probably a perfectly acceptable amount of runs but looks very puny here in comparison.  Apologies to Rojo.  If you want to blame HRs SURE BLAME THOSE, Kipnis had 3 for the OGTFC while McCutchen, Posey, Bryant, Frazier, and Polanco each had 2.  And a few other guys had one or whatever.  For the Resurgence, only noted bad man Nelly Cruz had multiple HRs with 2.  And a few other guys had one or whatever.  If you scroll past Heroy’s historic offense in Week 14, HEY THINGS DON’T LOOK HALF BAD FOR THE RESURGENCE.  Heroy’s pitching was actually rather horrible on the starting pitching front (5.90 ERA, 2QS) and Rojo’s Resurgers were able to win every category affected in any way by starting pitching as a result.  BUT….but….the OGTFC was able to add insult to injury by besting A TEAM ONLY EQUIPPED TO WIN HOLDS 5 to 4.  Embarrassing.  Get a closer or two ya clown.

Next Week aka This Week:Fishing Club v. X-Rayz (LOTTA CONCERN ALREADY ABOUT SETTING A STARTS LIMIT HERE), Resurgence v. Bad Drake Puns (RESURGENCE LIKELY NEED A WIN TO HANG ONTO FIRST PLACE AND I DO MEAN HANG ON LIKE FOR DEAR LIFE).

River City Cuban Missiles Barely Avoid Losing To Connor Not Unlike the Way the World Barely Avoided Nuclear War During the Cuban Missile Crisis – 6-4-4

MVP:  Giancarlo Stanton – HE LIVEEESSS.  Also he had a swell performance in last night’s Home Run Derby.  9/23, 6 runs 1 double 5HRs 10RBIs .462 OBP.

LVP:  Ender Inciarte – Ender edges out Alex Gordon for this award although both blew dicks about equally and both are better served NOT being on anyone’s fantasy team because fantasy cares not for their defense.  4/26 2 runs 1 double 1 HR 1 RBI .186 OBP.

In a battle where it’s hard for this reviewer to decide whom he would even want to lose more, I guess the guy he would want to lose less won.  I guess.  Lobman really took it to Connor this week by not only winning their matchup but also EXPOSING Connor’s sad sad Twitter feed of fantasy baseball sadness.  That was a fun find.  Mike and Connor battled a battle of mehpic proportions on the batting side, with Connor easily taking steals and kinda easily taking doubles and narrowly taking runs and Mike easily taking RBIs and kinda easily taking OBP and narrowly taking triples.  They each hit 15 HRs, a respectable total to be fair.  For the Bad Drake Puns it was 4 a piece from Mark Trumbo and Maikel Franco and 2 a piece from Carlos Santana and Marcus Semien.  For the Cuban Missiles it was one from like a bunch of dudes, and then 2 from Bryce Harper and then 5 from Giancarlo Stanton.  Where the Missiles really pulled away in this matchup, if you can say they ever really pulled away which you can’t, was in starting pitching.  The Missiles rotation finally looked slightly formidable (really like FINALLY Mike) on the way to 103 Ks (most in the league this season), 6QS 6Ws and a 3.31 ERA.  Kenta Maeda (11IP 5ER 18Ks 1QS 1W) and Carlos Martinez (12IP 4ER 18Ks 1QS 1W) each had a helluva week, I guess, in their own ways, for the Missiles.  Connor’s collection of starters was for the most part nipping at the heels however, putting up a 3.43 ERA with 4QS and 7Ws of their own.  Both bullpens battled to a valiant draw, with 5 saves and 4 holds for each squad.  Lobman continues to benefit from minors eligible holds grabbers, Connor continues to go with the fucking Astros guys.  Whatever.  As always, who cares fuck Mike.  #WCFM

Next Week aka This Week:  Missiles v. MooniniteZ (I WILL START AS MANY PITCHERS AS I GODDAMN PLEASE LOBMAN), Connor v. Rojo (CHECK HIS TWITTER FREQUENTLY TO STAY A STEP AHEAD OF HIM ROJO).

THE T-Mobile “we doubled our coverage blah blah blah” PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP T-MOBILE……matchup of the week

Springield Isotopes Double the Amount of Ties in the Point Loma X-Rayz Record by Tying Them in Doubles (and other things) – 6-6-2

MVP:  Mike Napoli – I am as shocked as you are.  8/21, 8 runs 1 double 2HRs 8RBIs .581 OBP.

LVP:  Khris Davis – I was going to blame Jean Segura for not being able to hit one teensy tiny fucking double in that Sunday night game but Bummy was dealing and all so….Khris Davis gets the award.  Khris Davis you had one job and it was to hit HRs and you failed.  4/28, 2 runs 1 double ZERO HRs 2RBIs .172 OBP.

Odom and Mikey T engaged in SOME SORTA BULLPLEN BATTLE.  Allegedly.  I dunno I see the Isotopes winning the bullpen cats clearly (saves 5 to 1, holds 4 to 2 SO WHAT THE FUCK)….. we are just gonna have to take their word for it there, I guess.  But in terms of most interesting matchup this was the only one that involved claims that one participant was hiding from the chat and the only one that was still not yet decided during the Sunday night game so BOOM…..T-Mobile game of the week thing.  As is customary, the X-Rayz won the matchups triples and SBs categories while losing the matchups HRs and RBIs categories.  Nothing to see here. The X-Rayz got 3 steals from Billy Hamilton and 2 a piece from Andrus, Segura, and Blackmon and YADDA YADDA YADDA the ‘Topes didn’t steal a single goddamn base anyways.  What the ‘Topes DID do was manage to put up a .357 OBP in a matchup that pitted the team’s with the two worst OBPs in the league for the season?  I think?  I think.  The ‘Topes also managed to narrowly defeat the X-Rayz 46-43 in the runs category, and I swear Mike Napoli was kinda directly responsible for both of these things.  Crazy world man.  Starting pitching was tight for both sides once you look past the ugly 5.06 ERA for the Isotopes, easily bested by a nice and neat 3.64 from the X-Rayz.  Both teams managed 8QS, which kinda makes Mikey T’s ERA confusing, and the X-Rayz were able to narrowly grab the wins cat by an 8 to 7 margin.  I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the X-Rayz got a complete game from that terrible Zach Eflin guy, and that terrible David Price was replaced by good David Price for at least one week (16IP 3ER 20Ks 2QS 1W).  Over on the Isotopes side terrible Dallas Keuchel was replaced by good Dallas Keuchel (13IP 3ER 11Ks 2QS 1W) but even he couldn’t help save an ERA slapped around by relievers (4ER in 1IP for McGee, 3ER in 0.1IP for Daniel Hudson) and starters (5ER in 4.1IP for Hamels, 7ER in 4IP for Martin Perez, 5ER in 3IP for Lester) alike.  Mikey T did however somefuckinghow get two hold from Matt Bowman though.  So that is something.  In the end the Point Loma X-Rayz had one last shot to win this thing outright, in the form of needing a Jean Segura double to break a 15-15 tie in that category.  Jean Segura has 18 doubles on the season, which is a solid number.  But Madison Bumgarner was prettttty fucking untouchable against the DBacks last Sunday night, pitching a 1 hit shutout with 14Ks.  That one hit was a single by Jake Lamb and not a double by Jean Segura.  End scene.

Next Week aka This Week:  ‘Topes v. Punchouts (REMEMBER WHEN SOMEONE PUNCHED MIKEY T “RANDOMLY” THAT WAS GREAT), X-Rayz v. Trout Fishing Club (DON’T LET HEROY ATTEMPT TO CAGE YOUR STREAMING PITCHERS CREATIVITY ODOM).

So that, was Week 14.  Week 15 promises all sorts of intrigue, as it kinda already had a trade or two and ESPN’s whacky 24 start limit and such.  I enjoy Week 15.  And I hope you all do too.  And I hope THE SELLERS REALIZE THEY ARE SELLERS.  I will close with a scene from a terrible movie titled “Along Came Polly” to drive this point home…..

Claude -  It's like the story of the hippo.  

"Leuban" (how the French guy says "Reuben") -  I'm not familiar with that story.
   
Claude - The hippopotamus, he is not born
going, "Cool bean, I am a hippo."
No way, José.
             
So he tried to paint the stripe on himself
to be like the zebra, but he fool no one.
               
And then he tried to put the spot
on his skin to be like the leopard,
                 
but everyone know he is a hippo.
                  
So at certain point,
he look himself in the mirror,
and he just say,
                   
"Hey, I am a hippopotamus,
and there is nothing I can do about it."
                
And as soon as he accepts this,
he live life happy. 

Happy as a Hippo.

You understand?