TRADE REVIEW: THIS TRADE BORES ME TO TEARS EDITION

April 28, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

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QUITE FRANKLY I am TOO BUSY today to spend too much time on a trade this shitty and uninspiring, a trade this uninspiring deserves an uninspiring review and that is what it will get…..

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THE TRADE:

The Point Loma X-Rayz trade [High Minors] RF Jorge Bonifacio, SP Chris Tillman, and [High Minors] SS Christian Arroyo to the Q-Tip City Morning Wood for SP Robbie Ray.

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THE X-RAYZ RETURN:

SP Robbie Ray – I already wrote about this guy when Odom traded him away the first time, let us look in on what I had to say:

SP Robbie Ray – 25 year old NL version of Michael Pineda. Pitches in a HR friendly home park (1.20 HR/9 @ Home, 1.27 HR/9 @ Away) which might offset some of the advantages of getting to pitch to pitchers a bunch of times. 8-15, 4.90 ERA, 218 Ks in 174.1 IP (A SUPER SEXY 11.25 K/9), 10 QS in 2016. Needs to get more than two fucking pitches and cut down on the HRs, but if he does so watch out because the Ks are elite.

Ray is off to a pretty solid start with 11.41 K/9 and a 3.42 ERA (3.86 FIP), but he’s also walking more batters than ever and giving up an even more insane amount of hard contact than usual (45.6% “Hard Percentage”). In other words, “fixed” he is not.

THE MORNING WOOD RETURN:

A BUNCH O BUMS

[High Minors] RF Jorge Bonifacio – 23.8 year old outfielder for the Royals, the #9 prospect in their organization and I am gonna go out on a limb and say you won’t find him on any top overall prospect lists. .351 OBP, 22 2Bs, 6 3Bs, 19 HRs, 82 Rs, 86 RBIs, 6 SBs across 495 AAA ABs in 2016. Those numbers look good but I do not necessarily think he is any good. Currently up with the Royals now and has 1 HR in 18 ABs so I DUNNO MAYBE I AM WRONG (probably not wrong). Major League Comparison: Some non-starter OF type, how about RIGHTY TYLER COLLINS?

SP Chris Tillman – 29 year old mediocre hurler for the Baltimore Orioles. 16-6, 3.77 ERA (4.23 FIP), 140 Ks in 172 IP (7.33 K/9), 16 QS in 2016. Currently rehabbing an injury but when he returns he shall NOT go 16-6 because that is the sort of W-L that good pitchers put up and he is okay at best. 7.5 K/9 is probably his absolute ceiling and that disgusts me.

[High Minors] SS Christian Arroyo – 21.8 year old infielder for the Giants, the #2 prospect in their organization according to Baseball America but another guy you won’t find amongst the top overall prospects list cuz HE AIN’T. .316 OBP, 36 2Bs, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 57 Rs, 49 RBIs, 1 SB across 474 AA ABs in 2016. Was mashing over like 65 AAA ABs to start 2017 and got the call up, but those were not believable ABs and this is not a believable fantasy asset. Probably ends up sent down before he crosses the 130 AB threshold and probably ends up dropped before that MOVING ON. Oh yea, Major League Comparison: Adeiny Hechavarria, but slower.

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RETURN SEAN LIKES MORE:

X-RAYZ? The X-Rayz in all likelihood got the only serviceable player in this deal, and even that guy is so potentially volatile that I wouldn’t trade much of anything for him. Which is what the X-Rayz went out and did so GOOD ON THEM. I would have rather Shane just dropped Robbie Ray and spared this review from us all.

TRADE REVIEW: THE BACKDOORSLIDERZ MAKE SOME BACK ALLEY DEALS

April 26, 2017April 26, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

TRADE #1:

The Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz trade [High Minors] 1B Dan Vogelbach to the Barnegat Banana Slugs for [Low Minors] SP Josh Hader.

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THE BACKDOORSLIDERZ RETURN:

[Low Minors] SP Josh Hader – 23 year old lefty starter for the Brewers, 60 grade hair with a 40 grade goofy face. Brewers 2nd ranked prospect according to Baseball America (#33 overall BA, #38 MLB.com, #19 Baseball Prospectus). Anddd I’m realizing now I’ve already written shit about these people because we trade prospects a lot. 1-7, 5.22 ERA (3.81 FIP), 88 Ks in 69 (nice) IP (11.48 K/9) in AAA in 2016. ROUGH GO OF IT. Fared much better in AA, 0.95 ERA (2.14 FIP) and 11.53 K/9 across 57 IP. Allegedly has a funky arm slot WHICH IS FUN. Also has occasional issues with control, and those issues are rearing their ugly head in 2017 with 14 BBs across 20 IP. Fastball Slider Changeup. The fastball can hit around 95 MPH and if you’re a lefty and can hit around 95 MPH YA GOTTA SHOT. The prospect rankings hint at the potential and if he gets the control in order there’s a good chance he debuts in 2017 at the major league level. Major League Comparison: NOT CHRIS SALE. How about taller Brandon Finnegan.

THE BANANA SLUGS RETURN:

[High Minors] 1B Dan Vogelbach – 24.33 year old fat sonofabitch of a “first basemen” for the Seattle Mariners, came over in the Mike Montgomery trade that single-handedly propelled the Cubs to a World Series victory. .410 ish OBP, 25 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 23 HRs, 79 Rs, 96 RBIs, across 459 ABs between the Cubs/Ms AAA affiliates in 2016. So yes he has established himself as a AAAA slugger BUT SO DID SHELLEY DUNCAN. I have no idea how he hit those two triples but they are likely interesting to watch. Has shown nothing across 23 major league plate appearances, but that is just 23 major league plate appearances. The book on him says he can end up as a league average ish DH, first base is probably not in his long term future cuz of the fatness and all. Could end up a .270ish or .270+, 18 or 18+ HR bat, could end up sucking throughout his High Minors eligibility and ending up dropped before it even expires. Major League Comparison: Billy Butler? Homeless Man’s Kyle Schwarber? Someone Else Fat?

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RETURN SEAN LIKES MORE:

BACKDOORSLIDERZ. Both these guys have potential to contribute I just think Hader has potential to contribute MORE, eclipsing his Brandon Finnegan comparison. Vogelbach will probably be stuck being compared to a fat guy and may struggle to hit enough to stick around beyond his minors eligibility.

TRADE #2:

The Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz trade RF JD Martinez and [Low Minors] 3B Nick Senzel to the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club for 3B Alex Bregman and [High Minors] SP Jose De Leon.

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THE BACKDOORSLIDERZ RETURN:

3B Alex Bregman – 23 year old ‘Stros 3B that was the apple of everyone’s eye last season, and now the OGTFC just THROW HIM AWAY. .313 OBP, 13 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 8 HRs, 31 Rs, 34 RBIs, 2 SBs across 201 ABs in 2016. Looking solid in the early going in 2017, upped his OBP to .366 by trimming the K% 8 points and upping the BB% 4 points. Guy was suuuuuuper hyped prior to last season and can very much deliver on that hype to the tune of being the best player in this deal by far (though he hasn’t passed JD just yet). Still feels young enough that I can give a Major League Comparison: BUT I WON’T. HE IS HIS OWN MAN NOW. I THINK HE WILL BE VERY VERY GOOD.

[High Minors] SP Jose De Leon – I wrote about this guy back when I traded him in like February, LETS CHECK IN ON WHAT I HAD TO SAY THEN:

Jose De Leon: Jose De Leon is the piece here with the widest range of possible outcomes, for he is a 24 year old SP that dominated the minor leagues for several years and then struggled mightily across 17 major league innings in 2016. If he blossoms into a true major league strikeout artist, for the Rays no less, the MooniniteZ will be sad to have parted with him (particularly with the recent Alex Reyes NATIONAL TRAGEDY). If he never PUTS IT ALL TOGETHER ~~(like the rest of Heroy’s rotation, see Troll Series Vol. 2 for details)~~ well then he was kinda just a throw-in anyways. I still think he can be a really solid fantasy starter, he can also end up some version of like a poor man’s Francisco Liriano (<3) or worse. The point is I don’t think the Fishing Club will lose sleep over it if Jose never amounts to nothing, but as a loose supporter of Rays baseball I hope that is not at all the case.

De Leon is the Rays 2nd ranked prospect according to Baseball America (# 29 overall BA, #30 MLB.com, #38 BP). 7-1, 2.61 ERA (3.23 FIP), 111 Ks in 86.1 IP (11.57 K/9) AAA innings in 2016. Got smacked around across 17 IP in his major league cup of coffee, 6.35 ERA (6.97 FIP). But that is just 17 IP. Major League Comparison: STILL Francisco Liriano

THE TROUT FISHING CLUB RETURN:

RF JD Martinez – 29.75 year old slugger for the Tigers. .344 OBP, 33 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 38 HRs, 93 Rs, 102 RBIs, 1 SBs over 596 ABs in 2016. Perhaps the godfather of this whole “uppercut swing plane improved launch angle yada fucking yada” movement that everyone and their mother is trying out these days. But a legit power bat when healthy, which he currently isn’t, but he should be back soon and it was just a foot injury so not necessarily something one would be concerned about affecting his power output. Once healthy he possibly becomes the biggest HR threat the OGTFC has, or yanno top 3 or top 5 or whatever because they have a lot of good bats. Fuck them, though.

[Low Minors] 3B Nick Senzel – 21.75 year old top prospect for the Cincinnati Reds (#9 BA, #24 MLB.com, #20 BP). .415 OBP, 23 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 7 HRs, 38 Rs, 36 RBIs, 15 SBs over 210 A ball ABs in 2016. I know I just said up there Bregman might be the best player in this deal but SENZEL MIGHT ALSO BE. The steals are intriguing but he isn’t exactly a burner, however the hit tool is projected to be well above average. Ceiling isn’t necessarily considered to be as high as Bregman’s was and still is, but he could hit for a good average with high teens HRs and provide a bit extra on the base paths at the peak of his powers. Which would make for just a really swell fantasy baseball package. Major League Comparison: Anthony Rendon

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RETURN SEAN LIKES MORE:

OCEANGATE TROUT FISHING CLUB. THIS ONE WAS SUPER CLOSE. And maybe I just don’t want to declare His Dochness the winner in every goddamned trade he makes right off the bat, but I really like this trade for both parties and damn near wanted to call it a draw. What it comes down to is JD being PROBABLY the best piece in the deal RIGHT NOW , with the addition of Senzel possibly making up for any sting if and when Bregman is raking by the end of the year. JD gives the OGTFC a slightly improved chance at a repeat and flags fly forever.

2017 WEEK 3 REVIEW: NO GODS, NO UNDEFEATEDS

April 24, 2017May 2, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

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2017 WEEK THREE IS BEHIND US, and boy did it have some excitement. A NEW OWNER VALIANTLY APPEARS AND ATTEMPTS TO TURN A TEAM AROUND MID-WEEK! A MATCHUP COMES DOWN TO THE SUNDAY NIGHT GAME! ALL UNDEFEATED TEAMS NO LONGER UNDEFEATED! Let’s discuss…..

koschamp_bruceharper_oabblai0_drp1dpfo — Unfortunately Bryce may be setting up to have a big year so I may have to keep finding douchey pictures of him and that is gonna get old, for now HERE HE IS AS A DOUCHEY 11 YEAR OLD

River City Bad Dudes Welcome The New Guy With An L That We Can Partly Blame On The Previous Guy, Defeat Operation Trumbo Drop – 11-3-0

MVP: Bryce Harper – Bryce will (PROBABLY) never again do 2015 because that was a career year of unrepeatable proportions HOWEVER, the Bad Dudes can take solace in the fact that he will be very good for a very long time and he looks poised to hit 30-40 (or 40-50) dongers in 2017. (Fixed that blurb from last week). 11/20, 10 Rs, 4 2Bs, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, fucking .667 OBP ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP: Kole Calhoun – Stupid Kole and his stupid face went a combined 3-33 between BOTH TEAMS in this matchup, an impressive LVP performance unlikely to be repeated because trading with the team you are playing is gross and should not be encouraged. 1/11, .231 OBP for the OTD, 2/12, 3 Rs, 1 RBI, .333 OBP for the Bad Dudes

Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note: I think it is good for the game when Giancarlo Stanton is healthy and hitting big dongs but I also dislike it when things go well for Lobman’s team, so I am torn (10/25, 5 Rs, 4 HRs, 7 RBIs, .444 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note: Marcus Stroman threw his 2nd CG of the year in Week 3, which is impressive even if the CGs served as the bread for some sort of shit sandwich of a start against the Red Sawks this past Tuesday (13.2 IP, 7 ER, 9 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 4.61 ERA).

Trumbo Drop Hitter Of Note: Freddie Freeman remains infinitely more valuable than Trevor Rosenthal, now with his 4th owner in the past year the poor fella (10/22, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, 1 SB, .586 OBP).

Trumbo Drop Pitcher Of Note: All of these pitchers bored me, but Carlos Carrasco did good, but perhaps the 12th starter that wasn’t might have done better (8 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA)?

This matchup will be most fondly remembered as the first (but not last?) time that an owner (that I can’t name, case still pending) quit mid-week, and for a moment there it looked like the commish was going to have to step in to get the Bad Dudes’ opponent to 12 starts. But the commish stepped in but like in a kinda different way and LO AND BEHOLD the Dochness Monster appeared, valiantly attempting to win a week that he was thrust into with a roster he did not create and valiantly starting…..11. For what it is worth it would seem the 12th starter wouldn’t have helped too much, the Bad Dudes offense was humming pretty good and the pitching was better across the cats than their 5.296 ERA might lead one to believe. BETTER LUCK NEXT WEEK MAYBE, NEW GUY!

Next Week aka This Week: Bad Dudes v. Morning Wood (could develop into a Twitter feud the likes have not since been seen since our fucking President and I dunno pick someone, Schwarzenegger?), Operation Trumbo Drop v. Toms River Titans (statistically speaking if the New Guy is looking for his first W this would be the best place to look for it).

Manchester MooniniteZ Restore Order To The League / Punish Q-Tip City Morning Wood For Their Arrogance – 8-5-1

MVP: Steven Souza Jr. – Everyone wish Steven Souza Jr. a happy birthday cuz he MAY BE A GUY. FINALLY. Look for him and other guys when I ghostwrite a “GUYS THAT MAY BE GUYS” article and pass it off as Mikey T’s work, coming soon. 12/29, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 9 RBIs, .433 OBP

LVP: Salvador Perez – The dark side of the two catcher system, one or both might suck some weeks. Catchers tend to suck at hitting more than most. 3/17, 1 RBI, .222 OBP

MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note: Please note that Joey Votto now has the 2nd most HRs he has ever hit in April YEA I WENT BACK AND CHECKED (6/22, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 9 RBIs, .370 OBP).

Was Aledmys Diaz Better Than Trevor Story This Week?: NOPE, Aledmys had to go back to the tape this week apparently so expect better things next week.

Current Tally: Trevor Story 2, Aledmys Diaz 1 w/ Week 2 up for debate as a possible tie due to mutually poor performances.

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note: Nobody really WOWED for the Moon Men this week but young fella Jordan Montgomery gave us two quality starts and we will take that (12 IP, 5 ER, 9 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 3.75 ERA).

Morning Wood Hitter Of Note: Always distasteful when Jay Bruce is arguably your top bat for a week and HERE HE IS, arguably their top bat for the week (boo this man)(5/18, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .350 OBP)?

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note: And in other pre-noon erection news, Madison Bumgarner injured himself riding dirt bikes which he was probably only doing due to frustration over lack of run support (6 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks, 1 QS, 1.50 ERA).

The Morning Wood had a bit of an inflated sense of ego heading into Week 3, and since I care about harmony in the Backyard universe I restored order by cutting the Former New Guy’s win streak at 2. NOT MUCH ELSE NEEDS TO BE SAID REALLY. The Morning Wood pitched well with 96 Ks and an ERA right round 4, but the MooniniteZ delivered the strongest offensive performance in alllll the ‘yard and were able to take 6 out of 7 categories on that side of the coin. I’m gonna declare and decide right now that any time a team can take 6 on one side of the matchup they are probably gonna win said matchup. The Bad Dudes did it the MooniniteZ did it they both won MATH CHECKS OUT. Learn you some humility, young Shane.

Next Week aka This Week: MooniniteZ v. OGTFC (statistically speaking if the OGTFC are looking for their first win THEY SHOULD LOOK ELSEWHERE), Morning Wood v. Bad Dudes (I can already see this matchup getting chatty in the chat….ty).

blackmon_bsf5l70x_advctq7z — Beard is a got damned BEAUT….

Astoria Isotopes Up Their Number Of Neutrons To Two At The Expense Of The Point Loma X-Rayz (I was originally going to say they upped their atomic mass number to 2 but the PROBLEM IS no element has a mass number of 2 and we are committed to sound science within this blog, ergo I went with number of neutrons ergo the ‘Topes are Helium which is fitting because their owner is consistently full of hot air ANYWAYS…..) – 8-5-1

MVP: Charlie Blackmon – Charlie put up a pretty vicious 2-2-2 batting line against his former team, no doubt reminding Odom that Charlie Blackmon was a good guy to have on his team. He is NO DOUBT reminded of that. Pretty annoying that he didn’t work in 2 SBs to pull off a really pretty JROLL, though. 7/18, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .429 OBP

LVP: Elvis Andrus – In typical X-Rayz fashion even their LVPs chip in 2 steals. 5/26, 1 R, 3 RBIs, 2 SBs .192 OBP

Isotopes Hitter Of Note: Aaron Judge continues to try and keep pace with Bryce Harper Minus Ten, and so far so good for Mr. Judge as he continues to hit the baseball like a man whom’s feelings were hurt by being the forgotten Yanks rookie (8/25, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 5 RBIs, .346 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note: Somehow it feels like Mike Leake has always belonged to Mikey T and always will belong to Mikey T (9 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).

X-Rayz Hitter Of Note: Eric fuckin’ Thames continues to be mostly unfuckingstoppable, and shame on all of us for not drafting him in the first round of that draft (9/26, 9 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, .469 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note: HOW ABOUT that Dan Strailly start that the X-Rayz streamed folks (7 IP, 2 ER, 14 Ks, 1 QS, 2.57 ERA)?

The league’s lone other undefeated also fell in Week 3, which is GOOD because assholes talking like 2 wins in a row matters in the first two weeks more than any other two weeks got annoying like the instant it started happening. NOW EVERYBODY IS 2-1 WHAT SAY YOU ALL NOW? ANYWHO, these cocky (but not quite as cocky as the MW) XRs just couldn’t get anything going offensively or bullpenically in Week 3 and that was all she wrote, finishing as the only team with a sub .300 OBP and one of only 2 teams that failed to stumble their way into a Hold. Credit to the ‘Topes offense which lead the league in OBP at .3681 and put up a solid 15 HRs 45 RBIs. Thanks are owed to Blackmon and Robinson Cano and for some fucking reason Eugenio Suarez for their contributions in those categories. An injury of note for the ‘Topes but Miguel Cabrera‘s groin is allegedly expected to be back in fighting shape in the minimum 10 days. Best wishes to Miggy’s groin on a speedy recovery. SPEAKING OF SPEEDY both Jose Peraza and Billy Hamilton are hitting below .230, and if they keep that sort of thing up it will be interesting to see if a team can support two speed only guys with serious issues getting to first. Alright I’ve discussed this one enough NEXT….

Next Week aka This Week: Isotopes v. Renegade Force (In which friends turn into enemies and stand at opposite ends of the bar during all bachelor party activities), X-Rayz v. Banana Slugs (In which Brian seeks revenge for his GUY getting left out in the cold).

The Rojo’s Renegade Force Of Rojosville Or Whatever Defy Expectations By Moving Into The #8 Spot With A Victory Over The Struggling Toms River Titans – 6-5-3

MVP: Corey Kluber – In a matchup as tight as this one a CG shutout is hugely valuable, even though a CG shutout is always pretty valuable. It was extra valuable okay? Corey Kluber threw a CG shutout in Week 3. 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA

LVP: Yasiel Puig – Yasiel Puig was very not good in Week 3, not conclusive whether or not that was because he is a not good person. RESPECT THE GAME YOUNG MAN or whatever. 2/24, 1 R, .154 OBP ***LVP OF THE WEEK***

Renegade Force Hitter Of Note: Joey Gallo finally providing some value for the Rojos, MANY YEARS IN THE MAKING (5/22, 7 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 5 RBIs, .346 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note: Chris Devenski had the kind of week out of the bullpen out of an SP spot that the RRF always aspire to luck their way into, and they ended up needing every bit of it (4.1 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, 1 Save, 1 Hold, 2.08 ERA).

Titans Hitter Of Note: Somehow Nick Castellanos hit two triples last week, I know he’s good for a couple each year but I ALSO know Ryan rostered Evan Gattis that year he hit like 10 so I am suspicious (7/25, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 2 3Bs, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, .333 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note: Pretty much all of the Titans aces were excellent last week but Chris Sale was the most excellent from that group, even if Craig Kimbrel boned him out of a win (8 IP, 0 ER, 13 Ks, 1 QS, 0.00 ERA).

REAL TOUGH BREAK here for the Titans, as one more K from Zack Wheeler on Sunday night grabs them a tie with the RRF (Edit: I have since learned the Titans only started 10 pitchers SO THEY DESERVE ALLLLL OF THIS). That strikeout never came and now the Titans stand alone as the league’s only 0-3 team, depite coming into the year with high expectations due to the strength of their pitching staff. PITCHING IS A FICKLE BEAST. Everyone trade your best pitchers for batters. But back to this matchup, the whole thing was rather tight across the board with both teams only managing a meager save and 2 meager holds to go along with MEAGER stats in most other areas. Of note is the fact that the RRF put up an impressive and certainly not meager 10 Ws, good for league-best this season (check the top o’ the blog for updated season records through Week 3) and two behind the all-time record of 11 established by Cliff last year (RIP Whitestone Bulldogs). Nice work by the Renegade Force winning a matchup while at the same time selling the home of the Bad Dudes. MULTITASKING.

Next Week aka This Week: Renegade Force v. Isotopes (I am team Renegade Force on this one, and most ones, despite my projections), Titans v. Operation Trumbo Drop (Ryan certainlyyyyyy needs to get one soon before the offers start pouring in for all of his players, moreso than usual that is).

2017 WEEK 3 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY THE 2014 BOSTON RED SOX aka THE WORST DEFENDING CHAMP IN BASEBALL HISTORY

c_scalefl_progressiveq_80w_800 — I mean TECHNICALLY the ’98 Marlins were worse but they traded everyone so that was kinda by design and also fuck Boston

TUNE IN TO WEEK 4 FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION TO APRIL, AFTER WHICH TIME I WILL ALLOW FOR SWEEPING CONCLUSIONS TO BE MADE ABOUT EVERYONE’S TEAMS

TRADE REVIEW: JUST A COUPLE OF GUYS SHARING SOME JAMESON

April 20, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

Firstly let me just welcome the Dochness Monster to the league, we have definitely been in the same room together and have definitely been in the same room when one or both of us was under the influence of drugs and anyone I’ve shared a room with under those circumstances is A WELCOME ADDITION to the league. It’s how you trust a man. And I believe I’ve been under the influence of something while in the same room as like 8 of you at this point and that matters. YOUR MOVE SHANE….

THE TRADE:

The River City Bad Dudes trade SP Jameson Taillon and CF Adam Jones to the NEW GUY, Operation Trumbo Drop, for 3B Maikel Franco and RF Kole Calhoun.

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THE BAD DUDES RETURN:

3B Maikel Franco – 24.6 year old hot corner man for the Phillies, a somewhat MEH option and yet a NOTICEABLE UPGRADE from Yuli Gurriel (I can and may write a 900 word piece about the Bad Dudes dropping Yuli Gurriel). For Franco, .306 OBP, 23 2Bs, 1 3B, 25 HRs, 67 Rs, 88 RBIs, 1 SB in 581 ABs last season. EMERGING POWER some might say, but until it emerges a bit more consistently he’s probably a fringe top 15 fantasy 3B. Particularly in OBP leagues, which this happens to be. SMALL SAMPLE SIZE but he’s been abysmal thus far this year, a .148 AVG and .217 OBP that leaves a gross taste in my mouth just typing it out. Even so I can say with certainty that I find him to be better than Yuli Gurriel. I can say that.

RF Kole Calhoun – 29.5 year old Angels RF, in a similar mold to Starlin Castro in that I just HATE his FACE. Just a shitty face. .348 OBP, 35 2Bs, 5 3B, 18 HRs, 91 Rs, 75 RBIs, 2 SBs across 594 ABs in 2016. Those numbers are actually a helluva lot better than I expected from him but AGAIN that face. I always liked that he was on the team run by THE FORMER OWNER THAT I SHALL NO LONGER MENTION ON HERE (lawsuits are pending) because he just fit the mold. And now he’s on fuckface Lobman’s team I guess. IT COULD WORK. Kole is off to a meh start of the .148 AVG and .217 OBP in 2017, with a homer at some point.

THE TRUMBO DROP RETURN:

SP Jameson Taillon – 25.45 year old excellent pitcher blossoming before our own eyes and before the eyes of Pittsburgh Pirates fans, a guy I tried REPEATEDLY to trade for only to be gently and not-so-gently rebuffed each time (so fuck you Lobman there’s no way you’re “winning” this trade on here). 5-4, 3.38 ERA (3.71 FIP), 85 Ks in 104 IP (7.36 K/9), 12 QS in 2016. BUT THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING, as Taillon has been through just about every injury imaginable so he has been working his way back a bit. This year he’s given up 2 ER in 20 IP and I expect a helluva year, he’s not 0.90 ERA good but he is very good. I SUSPECT the Bad Dudes put him out there as available but credit to the OTD for picking him up and instantly improving a rotation in need of it.

CF Adam Jones – 31.7 year old guy CF for the Orioles, a man likely on the decline but also likely still more than fantasy serviceable. .310 OBP, 19 2Bs, 29 HRs, 86 Rs, 83 RBIs, 2 SBs across 619 ABs in 2016. His 2016 is most famous around here for that time when I accidentally discovered he was like the fucking worrrrrrst against left-handed pitching last season, by far the worst right handed hitter against them. Which is an interesting fun fact. That first scouting report is a freebie for the new guy. ANYWHOM some things may be trending in the wrong direction for Jones, his days of double digit steals are beyond dead and gone, but at least in the early going he has shown a newfound willingness to draw a walk (10.5% BB% this season, 4.6% for his career) and that has him sporting a .368 OBP that would easily be a career best. PERHAPS A REINVENTION AFOOT? Even without the reinvention Mr. Jones will likely be a good bet for 25 HRs or so and decent Rs and RBIs. He is no throw in.

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RETURN SEAN LIKES MORE:

OPERATION TRUMBO DROP! Right off the bat he snags an all-important W in the all-important “Return Sean Likes More” category (note: does not affect actual league in any way). Jameson Taillon is on the precipice of studhood and as much as I malign Adam Jones and his terrible no good very bad numbers against lefties last season, he’s a good bet for 25 HRs and fuck Kole Calhoun. Maikel Franco jury is out, right now he would be convicted of awfulness but I shall not judge on 15 games. What this comes down to for me is it was just a real nice job by the Trumbo Drop grabbing AN EMERGING TOP 20 ARM YEA I SAID IT. With Pacman also coming back this makes for a nice dipping of the toes into the trade waters for the OTD. Also they have endeared themselves to me by opening with a Big Lebowski-themed logo. I declare them the victor.

TRADE REVIEW: SWAPPIN SOMETIMES SOLID SOMETIMES SHITTY SECOND BASEMEN

April 20, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

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THE TRADE:

The Astoria Isotopes trade 2B/3B/SS Javier Baez to the Toms River Titans for 2B Starlin Castro.

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THE ISOTOPES RETURN:

2B Starlin Castro – 27 year old MAN he feels older, but he is just a 27 year old 2B for the Yankees. .300 OBP, 29 2Bs, 1 3B, 21 HRs, 63 Rs, 70 RBIs, 4 SBs across 577 ABs in 2016. Off to a solid start in ’17 with 3 HRs through these first 15 games. LET THIS BE A REMINDER, IT HAS ONLY BEEN ABOUT 15 GAMES, I don’t care what your guy’s OBP is. WHERE WAS I? Starlin Castro. His cheeks are too fat for my liking but he could threaten low 20s HRs once again in 2017. Fin.

THE TITANS RETURN:

2B/3B/SS Javier Baez – 24 year old guy that Joe Maddon is having a helluva time finding ABs for year after year after goddamned year (2014 he was terrible so that was understandable….also I don’t think Maddon was there yet). .314 OBP, 19 2Bs, 1 3B, 14 HRs, 50 Rs, 59 RBIs, 12 SBs across 421 ABs in 2016. THE TALENT. IS THERE. The path to playing time is often not, evidenced by the fact that he has about 20 less ABs than yanno MOST fantasy starter types. If he gets a path to playing time and puts it all together he can be a real gem, as evidenced by kooky ESPN’s kooky 18 HRs 18 SBs projection. Their kookiness is sometimes rooted in loose #analysis.

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RETURN SEAN LIKES MORE:

I dunno I GUESS the ‘Topes? Javy Baez could be very good but he is just having a helluva time finding ABs at the moment, if the Titans get a timely Zobrist injury or something this might work out nicely but NOBODY SHOULD EVER WISH ILL WILL UPON BENJAMIN ZOBRIST. The ‘Topes win for getting the (fat fuckfaced) guy with guaranteed ABs.

2017 Week 2 Review – Sean Stresses Small Sample Size Shenanigans Edition

April 17, 2017April 24, 2017 AnActualBear1 Comment

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2017 WEEK TWO. I am sure everyone is overreacting even HARDER now in one direction or another even though I try and preach patience and point out shit like how 4 outta 5 or 5 outta the last 6 champs lost Week 1 yada yada all of this is in vain. We are still at under 50 ABs for hitters when really you should wait 100 before even glancing at them, but BY ALL MEANS everyone freak out and trade good players. I will cover those trades succinctly. First lets cover Week 2, also somewhat succinctly (brevity is the brother of brilliance).

d987a193f86d565ab972828fe34c416b — there is absolutely NO shortage of douchey Harper pictures on the interwebs…..also wrist tattoos are for 19 year old girls……

River City Bad Dudes Do Bad Things To Consensus #9 Pick Rojo’s Renegade Force, Win – 10-4-0

MVP: Bryce Harper – Bryce will never again do 2015 because that was a career year of unrepeatable proportions HOWEVER, the Bad Dudes can take solace in the fact that he will be very good for a very long time and he looks poised to hit 30-40 dongers in 2017. 9/23, 7 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 8 RBIs, .517 OBP

LVP: Steven Wright – The Orioles massacred Steven Wright and Sawks pitchers gettin fackin wickedly walloped will always please me. 1.1 IP, 8 ER, 1 K, 54.00 ERA

Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note: Fucking Mitch Haniger actually kinda living up to all that spring training hype HOW ANNOYING (9/23, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 7 RBIs, 1 SB, .500 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note: Two gems by Jameson Taillon in Week 2 and I for one expect many more where those came (13 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.38 ERA).

Renegade Force Hitter Of Note: NOT MUCH of note for the RRF as no hitter amassed more than 1 HR and only one hitter had 4 or more runs scored, but at least Nelson Cruz showed slight signs of life (9/23, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, .462 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note: Holy shit the Rays need to send down Austin Pruitt HE HAS A WHIP OF LIKE 4 (4 IP, 7 ER, 2 Ks, 15.75 ERA).

Just a TROUBLING week for the Renegade Force as the offense looked pretty punchless and the pitching somehow combined for 8 QS but also a 5.177 ERA (DAMN YOU PRUITT. AND WRIGHT. AND VARIOUS BAD RELIEVERS.)…. on the flip side of the coin the Bad Dudes did just enough on offense and pitched to a sub 3 ERA, including the all-important CG from Marcus Stroman. Maybe he will be an okay pitcher. Maybe.

Next Week aka This Week: Bad Dudes v. Three-Eyed Fish (Fuck both of these teams really), Renegade Force v. Titans (BATTLE OF RYANS BATTLE OF 0-2s).

Q-Tip City Morning Wood Continue To Defy Preseason Projections And Defeat Defending Champs (OGTFC) – 9-3-2

MVP: Yoenis Cespedes – I still can’t believe the Mets actually kept a nice thing like Yoenis Cespedes and yet HERE HE IS still hitting dingers for them. Wise move by Shane to spare Yoenis from his Mets purging. 8/25, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 5 HRs, 9 RBIs, .400 OBP

LVP: Dexter Fowler – I love Dex but he had the 2nd most ABs for the OGTFC and did the least with those ABs, dragging down team OBP in the process. 3/26, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 1 SB, .148 OBP

Morning Wood Hitter Of Note: I’m sure it always warms the heart of the Wood to see Justin Upton doing well, who fucking knows if it actually lead to Tigers victories though (6/19, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .409 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note: Unfortunately Jon Lester starts haven’t devolved into these high art performances where people keep taking huge leads on him, but I have hope that they eventually will get there (13 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks, 2 QS, 0.69 ERA [nice]).

OGTFC Hitter Of Note: Kris Bryant was the only man on the OGTFC to hit multiple HRs in Week 2, maybe there was a league wide power shortage or something (4/22, 3 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .333 OBP)?

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note: On the brighter side of things for OGTFC fans, Dylan Bundy looks great in the early going (12.1 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.19 ERA).

There is no denying that I predicted the newcomer to finish last in the league in 2017, and there is no denying the fact that the Morning Wood are off to a (somewhat surprising) 2-0 start. AND I LOVE IT. I don’t know if Cliff ever found himself at 2-0 so this is refreshing. Equally refreshing is the fact that the OGTFC would be at 0-2 if not for some Week 1 roster mismanagement by their opponent. In this one the Morning Wood seemed pretty much in control throughout, racking up an IMPRESSIVE 17 HRs (to the OGTFC’s 5) and 42 RBIs (to the OGTFC’s 24). Heroy’s men did put up a .3675 OBP in Week 2 and it won’t be very often that a high OBP on this team corresponds with a complete lack of power, so I wouldn’t be panicking in OG. Really this one just comes down to giving credit where credit is due to Q-Tip City. Whom I will now defeat in order to keep league balance in order. I KEEP THINGS IN ORDER.

Next Week aka This Week: Morning Wood v. MooniniteZ (wherein your writer attempts to serve some comeuppance to this cocky young man), OGTFC v. Banana Slugs (wherein we all probably hope on some level that the OGTFC remain winless).

Point Loma X-Rayz Also Remember (To Beat) The (Toms River) Titans – 9-4-1

MVP: Eric Thames – ERIC MOTHERFUCKIN THAMES. Perhaps he is a bit more for real than I anticipated, even factoring in SSSS. The guy only racked up 11 ABs for the X-Rayz but boy did he make the most of them. 5/11, 7 Rs, 4 HRs, 5 RBIs, .571 OBP

LVP: Albert Pujols – Sure he had a .292 OBP which isn’t the absolute worst but what did he really DO? He did mostly nothing. 4/21, 1 R, 2 RBIs, .292 OBP

X-Rayz Hitter Of Note: Elvis Andrus is out here with a POWER STROKE all of a sudden and I am not sure I know what to make of it (9/26, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 2 RBIs, 2 SBs, .346 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note: Andddd also of note, Ervin Santana went out there and CG Shutout’d the White Sox (9 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).

Titans Hitter Of Note: HEY at least Ryan Braun did great last week (5/21, 2 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, 3 SBs, .407 OBP)!

Titans Pitcher Of Note: And HEY the Titans even get good pitching out of Michael Pineda because that shit is contagious or something (14.2 IP, 3 ER, 17 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 1.84 ERA).

Another year in the Backyard, another year of the X-Rayz grinding out Ws with a team of speedy speedsters and grindy grinders. 2017 Week 2 saw the X-Rayz go 12/12 HRs/SBs, and while double digit SBs tend to be the norm with this roster double digit HRs used to be far less of a sure thing. Impressive pop out of the middle infield will be something to which going forward, as both Elvis Andrus and Jose Ramirez chipped in 2 HRs a piece. The week’s MVP was KOREAN LEAGUE MASHER Eric Thames and I am sure the X-Rayz are hoping his mashing ways continue, which will lend itself to a bit of bragging rights as he wasn’t added to the roster until the last pick in the 2nd round of the FYP draft. For the Titans this actually marks the 5th straight loss to Odom’s squad, as they can’t seem to put together a proper formula for victory against this opponent. The Titans dominated in Ks, QS, and ERA which is something they are poised to do fairly often, however a solid 6 Ws and 3 Holds were not enough to take either category and the offense lagged behind the X-Rayz nearly across the board. Again ONLY TWO WEEKS IN here but the Titans are likely happy to see the X-Rayz go for now.

Next Week aka This Week: X-Rayz v. Isotopes (I demand this break out into a Simpsons meme war), Titans v. RRF (Either a Ryan will lose or all Ryans will tie).

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The Forked River Three-Eyed Fish Molest The Manchester MooniniteZ – 7-6-1

MVP: Marcell Ozuna – HOW FITTING that the guy the 3EF forgot to sit to preserve a win in Week 1 helped them to a win in Week 2. Kinda didn’t realize until now how badly Ozuna killed me last week, so fuck him he gets an unflattering photo. 10/23, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 12 RBIs, .481 OBP ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP: Aledmys Diaz – Aledmys did not do the “make a lot of contact” thing last week and frankly it is difficult for me to talk about. 4/22, 2 Rs, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI, .182 OBP

3EF Hitter Of Note: Typical Jose Altuve dickery here with his getting on base TWO THIRDS OF THE TIME (9/17, 7 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 RBIs, 4 SBs, .667 OBP).

3EF Pitcher Of Note: Jacob DeGrom is DeGood (13 IP, 4 ER, 16 Ks, 2 QS, 2.77 ERA).

MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note: Of course Nolan Arenado never cheats me with effort, EVEN IF EVERYONE ELSE DOES, although it is getting rather annoying that all of his HRs and seemingly all of my entire team’s HRs are of the solo variety (9/26, 2 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .414 OBP).

Was Aledmys Diaz Better Than Trevor Story This Week?: NO, but it was close.

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note: These things for the losing side always seem like it is me trying to cheer the other team up and in this case I really am when I point out that at least James Paxton continues to be v. good (15 IP, 0 ER, 17 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 0.00 ERA).

Perhaps “molest” is a strong term but the fact is the 3EF defeated me in Week 2, and I will have to live with that horror for the rest of my life. Things were fairly close heading into the weekend, and remained close even after a 5 start Saturday for the MooniniteZ IMPLODED (Odorizzi injured after 1 IP, Verlander and McCullers shelled, etc. etc.). EVEN STILL it came down to who would show up on Sunday and score some runs and hit some dingers, and the MooniniteZ scored 1 run and hit no dingers and that was that. Credit to the 3EF for scoring 11 runs and hitting 3 dingers on that same Sunday, but now equal amounts of SHAME to them because they should be 2-0 and instead they are 1-0-1. Will be a few more weeks before we are far enough past Week 1 to where I will stop bringing it up. A fewwww more weeks, indeed.

Next Week aka This Week: Three-Eyed Fish v. Bad Dudes (ROOT FOR INJURIES), MooniniteZ v. Morning Wood (ROOT FOR ME).

2017 WEEK 2 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY BRAVO NETWORK

2000px-bravo_tv-svg — Bravo Network: We probably don’t show that “queer eye” show anymore but its spirit in The Backyard Champsionship Leage endures (have I made BCL a thing yet? I should try and make that a more formal thing).

TUNE IN TO WEEK 3 FOR YET EVEN MORE (SMALL SAMPLE SIZE) SHENANIGANS, HOPEFULLY STABILIZING INTO MORE RELIABLE SHENANIGANS DATA SHORTLY THEREAFTER

Trade Review: ONE WHERE THE MOONINITEZ PANIC OVER ROSTER COMPLIANCE

April 11, 2017April 11, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

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THE TRADE:

The Manchester MooniniteZ trade [Low Minors But Destined To Be High Minors Any Moment Now] RP Joe Jimenez and [High Minors] SP Amir Garrett to Q-Tip City Morning Wood for SP Daniel Norris.

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THE MOONINITEZ RETURN:

SP Daniel Norris – Just about 24 year old lefty for the Tigers and guy I drafted a couple years too early a couple years ago BACK WHEN WE HAD DRAFTS. 4-2, 3.38 ERA (3.93 FIP), 71 Ks in 69.1 IP (9.22 K/9), 4 QS in 2016. Look either he breaks out or he doesn’t yanno WHO CAN BE SURE OF THESE THINGS? I will leave you with this encouraging cherry-picked statistic:

There were only 19 starters who threw at least 50 innings, struck out at least 9.0 batters per nine, and walked less than 3.0 batters per nine in 2016:

Clayton Kershaw, Noah Syndergaard, Jose Fernandez, Max Scherzer, Justin Verlander, Chris Sale, Corey Kluber, Madison Bumgarner, Stephen Strasburg, Rich Hill, Kenta Maeda, Michael Pineda, Chris Archer, Aaron Nola, Carlos Rodon, Yu Darvish, Carlos Carrasco, Danny Duffy, and Norris.

THE MORNING WOOD RETURN:

RP Joe Jimenez – 22 year old righty relief prospect for the mighty Tigers, ALLEGEDLY was ranked their 7th prospect by Baseball America at some point in time but damned if I see him there now. Probably not ranked anywhere else because it is hard out there for a relief prospect to crack top 100 lists. Don’t meannnn he can’t throw himself a fastball CUZ HE CAN. Fastball sits 94-97 and can touch 100, also has a decent slider, so a two pitch relief pitcher which can either work or not work (Bruce Rondon just had this EXACT same profile basically and he got send down for Jimenez so yanno). Jimenez will end up the Tigers closer, likely at some point this season, and will be an excellent source of Ks no matter when they put him in the game. If he can improve command and limit the damage on his fly balls (sub 40% grounder rate in 2016) he can be a very good relief pitcher very quickly, and I am NOT going to compare him to Rondon that would be petty. Major League Comparison: Alex Colome.

SP Amir Garrett – BASICALLY 25 year old hard throwing lefty prospect for the Reds, their 3rd ranked youngin’ according to Baseball America (#81 overall BA, #64 MLB.com, #32 Baseball Prospectus). Fresh off a GEM against the Cards last Friday, 6 IP 2 hits 2 walks 4 Ks 0 runs. That would be his MLB debut. Spent 2016 between AA and AAA, with a 1.75 ERA (2.50 FIP) and 9.12 K/9 in 77 AA IP and a 3.46 ERA (4.14 FIP) and 7.18 K/9 in 67 AAA IP. Low 90s fastball that can occasionally touch 95, up-and-down slider, and an alleged “work in progress” changeup that I thought looked pretty good when I watched him on Friday. Has had questions about command but every goddamned prospect pitcher has questions about command, his command looked plenty good in his debut (SMALL SAMPLE SIZE ALERT). On the Reds it wouldn’t be hard to become their #2 starter (if not #1) and Garrett looks good enough to get there this season (SMALL SAMPLE SIZE ALERT). Major League Comparison: Like maybe a black pre-injury Patrick Corbin?

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RETURN SEAN LIKES MORE:

Q-TIP CITY MORNING WOOD. AND THIS IS TWICE NOW that I’ve had to side with Shane’s side in my own goddamned trade, but his team keeps appearing into view when I need to shed players for dumb roster reasons. Amir Garrett looked really really good his first time out and Joe Jimenez is allegedly the Tigers closer of the future so a bullpen eligible guy pitching those types of innings should be swell for him. Never say I am not doing my best to put new owners in this league in position to do their best.

2017 Week 1 Review – New Beginnings

April 10, 2017April 24, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

17cdc5af915c91e441d235c712d4e094 — White girls will put this quote in like a fucking frame and then throw it up on their dorm room walls in college. Good old white girls……

2017 WEEK ONE. EVERYONE OVERREACTING TO EVERY FUCKING THING THAT HAPPENS. Pitchers that probably still suck have one good game and all of a sudden have figured it all out. Hitters who are actually quite good got off to a bad first 20 ABs or so and owners are panicked. Backyard teams that will probably miss the playoffs have won their Week 1 matchups. Let’s dive into the matchups a bit and smack some SENSE into you senseless small sample size over-reactors (wish I coulda thought of an S word that meant overreaction).

Point Loma X-Rayz Defeat Consensus #9 Pick Rojo’s Renegade Force In Our Biggest Week 1 Margin And It Was Only… – 7-4-3

MVP: Daniel Murphy – Daniel Murphy paying IMMEDIATE dividends for the X-Rayz, but will it continue when he learns their owner was once interrogated by police while wearing a “Legalize Gay” t-shirt? 12/24, 5 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, .500 OBP

LVP: Nelson Cruz – Saddens me to say it but Nelly disappointed a bit in Week 1, “father time is undefeated yada yada” but IT IS EARLY. I still believe in him (check back in July). 2/25, 1 2B, 2 RBIs, .200 OBP

X-Rayz Hitter Of Note: Just my breakout pick Kevin Kiermaier doing breakout pick type shit (8/27, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 2 SBs, .406 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note: Gotta be comforting to the X-Rayz to see Chris Archer get off to a good start in a 2 game Week 1 performance (14.2 IP, 4 ER, 13 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.45 ERA).

Renegade Force Hitter Of Note: One hitter for the RRF that didn’t disappoint was the ALSO OLD Matt Kemp, and I will still maintain that he sucks (8/16, 2 Rs, 4 2Bs, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .529 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note: But back to disappointments, FROM MASAHIRO TO MASAZERO (7.2 IP, 10 ER, 8 Ks, 11.74 ERA).

SADLY the Renegade Force caught the X-Rayz during a fluky week when they only managed one damned save and STILL lost. Which is unfortunate for them in their bid to avoid the #9 seed. The X-Rayz did typical X-Rayz shit winning triples and SBs but worked in a bit of a new wrinkle by posting a league-best .3607 OBP. Probably more of a small sample size thing than a trend thing but at this point in the season I CANNOT DECLARE THAT FOR CERTAIN. So I won’t.

Next Week aka This Week: X-Rayz v. Titans (Brotha from anotha motha vs. Actual brotha), Renegade Force v. Bad Dudes (AN ABSOLUTE MUST WIN MATCHUP FOR BOTH TEAMS).

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Q-Tip City Morning Wood Welcome Their Damn Selves To The League By Whooping Isotopes Ass – 7-5-2

MVP: Brandon Belt – Alls Brandon Belt did was go out and make us ALL look like assholes by bemoaning the fact that he was the centerpiece of the return in a Syndergaard deal. Is all he did. I still bemoan it but for at least one week, week one, Belt told us all to fucking suck it by contributing something IN LITERALLY EVERY CATEGORY (which I will christen a JROLL based off of his magical 2007 season). 7/28, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, 1 SB, .364 OBP ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP: Greg Bird – Bird deserves this for duping everyone with a super hot spring training and then coming out and proverbially shitting the proverbial bed in Week 1. 1/16, 1 2B, .167 OBP

Morning Wood Hitter Of Note: Who the hell saw Mike Moustakas hitting 3 HRs in the first week AMIRITE (8/23, 4 Rs, 3 HRs, 3 RBIs, .375 OBP)?

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note: Equally to my surprise, Zack Greinke and his not ideal spring training velocity was actually pretty good last week across 2 starts (11.2 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.50ERA).

Isotopes Hitter Of Note: Khris Davis off to a fine start for the ‘Topes for those Astorians trying to look on the bright side of things (9/25, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, .414 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note: Dallas Keuchel also had himself a FINE week, if he is not shitty again that would be a great boost to the Isotopes going forward (14 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.64 ERA).

To be honest “whooping Isotopes ass” feels a bit harsh in a 7 cat win but MAYBE this will pass for an ass whooping this year? Anyways the ‘Topes fell behind early and failed to catch up in the end. Basically their entire 2016 season in 2017 Week 1 form. Kudos to both teams for getting their full 14 starters and kudos to the Nocturnal Penile Tumescence for a well-rounded performance on the offensive side of things. NOT A BAD START for QTC.

Next Week aka This Week: Morning Wood v. Trout Fishing Club (New Guy vs. Defending ~~Chump~~ Champ), Isotopes v. Banana Slugs (Essentially an episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy).

Shoutout to that time Adam Eaton did a terrible tweet. I didn’t even give him week MVP but lets remember it anyways. HE COULD BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY.

Barnegat Banana Slugs Remember (To Beat) The (Toms River) Titans – 7-5-2

MVP: Jake Lamb – JAKE LAMB IS BACK FOLKS. Shaking off a poor 2nd half last season, Jake Lamb came out like gangbusters in Week 1 and both scored and knocked in a whole bunch of runs. So good on him. 7/28, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .300 OBP

LVP: Byron Buxton – The Byron Buxton pivot to superstardom remains on hold until further notice. 1/14, .133 OBP

Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note: Josh Donaldson had a typically great Josh Donaldson week and was rewarded with a Sunday (evidently minor) strain of his hamstring (8/23, 4 Rs, 3 HRs, 3 RBIs, .375 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?: NO

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note: Rich Hill once again got a blister and that is really all I want to talk about now and forever (5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 1 W, 1.80 ERA).

Titans Hitter Of Note: One should be encouraged by the early returns with Miguel Sano here if one owns Miguel Sano as he was ONE STEAL FROM A JROLL (7/20, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 8 RBIs, .458 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note: Sam Dyson just did NOT do any favors for the Titans’ OBP last week (2 IP, 8 ER, 1 K, 36.00 ERA).

The Banana Slugs had 1 HR and 3 RBIs as late as Thursday, and yet they gutted out a victory in spite of that nearly nonexistent offensive start. The Titans were simply outpitched, despite fairly strong starts from most of their staff. Sam Dyson‘s badddd bullpen performance and a bad start from a guy that knows a thing or two about bad starts (Michael Pineda) hurt the Titans in what would turn out to be a close ERA race, but give the Slugs credit for racking up 106 Ks and 8 Ws (along with a strong 6 save 5 hold performance from their pen, lead by 3 holds from Brad Brach and 3 saves from Zach Britton). Those pesky Orioles. You wouldn’t think it would happen very often that the Titans would put up 19 HRs and lose their week but that happened in Week 1, this is all happening, the climate is changing due to human influences, and that is that.

Next Week aka This Week: Banana Slugs v. Isotopes (I guess Brian is the Straight Guy which makes Mikey T the Queer Eye?), Titans v. X-Rayz (just to clarify Ryan is the Actual Brotha and Odom is From Anotha Motha).

chrisowingsd6p9ff-hkwum — The cold dead eyes of a Bad Dude KILLER

The Manchester MooniniteZ ~~Squeak~~ Moonwalk Past The River City Bad Dudes, Win – 7-6-1

MVP: Chris Owings – Christopher Owings only gave my MooniniteZ 9 ABs but LORDY were they timely, as his Sunday performance (3/4, 2 Rs, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 2 SBs) ended up basically winning the matchup for the MooniniteZ. The steals part did it, is what happened. 4/9, 3 Rs, 1 HR, 2 RBIs, 2 SBs, .444 OBP

LVP: Yuli Gurriel – Because OF COURSE this is all his fault. I mean not really but someone needs to be LVP and he sucked. 2/21, 1 R, .095 OBP (YIKES) ***LVP OF THE WEEK***

MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note: Yasmany Tomas is EXTRA of note here because both of these teams have contemplated rostering him several times this offseason, and he had a huge Saturday triple for the team that ultimately did (7/12, 3 Rs, 3 2B, 1 3B, 4 RBIs, .583 OBP).

Was Aledmys Diaz Better Than Trevor Story This Week?: YES

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note: The key with Lance McCullers is watching the K/BB ratio and the MooniniteZ were greatly encouraged by the 17/2 ratio this particular (13 IP, 4 ER, 17 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.77 ERA).

Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note: Fucking Mitch Haniger would have greatly troubled me if I had lost, that guy was all the fuck over us (6/28, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, 1 SB, .333 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note: Kevin Gausman just FAILED TO GET IT DONE across 2 starts and I don’t know what else to say about it, the Bad Dudes needed quality and got none (10 IP, 6 ER, 8 Ks, 5.40 ERA).

This one was close all week and close to the bitterrrr end, as the Dudes still had a miracle’s chance at a tie if Giancarlo Stanton could come up with a miracle triple in the Sunday night game (or two steals, which, no). Apart from the competitiveness that was exhibited throughout the story might have been BULLPEN BLOWUPS, as I think I counted like 12 ER from the Bad Dudes ‘pen and like 14 ER from my own. Not ideal. 4 categories were decided by 1 uhhh THING or less, with another 2 decided by 2 things or less. So one way to look at it would be to say that this very clearly could have gone the other way. The way I prefer to look at it is the Bad Dudes are lucky we didn’t BEAT THEM BETTER, or something. These teams won’t meet again until Week 9 which gives me lots of time to make little comments here and there until then.

Next Week aka This Week: MooniniteZ v. Three-Eyed Fish (I intend to beat him for his poor Week 1 attention to detail), Bad Dudes v. Renegade Force (again just cannot stress enough that the loser of this matchup should probably just pack it in for 2017).

2017 WEEK 1 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY BUDWEISER

BUDWEISER! Drink because America is a shitty dead dream and any sappy bullshit pro-diversity Super Bowl commericals we pump out cannot change that one unmistakable truth.

TUNE IN TO WEEK 2 FOR EVEN MORE SHENANIGANS

From The Desk Of The Commissioner: Minor League Regulations and Requirements

April 10, 2017April 10, 2017 Michael Odom1 Comment

Minor League Regulations and Requirements

– All teams must maintain a total of 8 minor leaguers at all times barring a trade, DL move involving a minor league player, or the day a player exceeds minor league limits. In this instance, the team will have until the next First Pitch Roster Lock to become compliant. All teams MUST ALWAYS maintain at least 8 minor league players.

– Low minors are 4 players with 0 MLB IP and 0 MLB ABs.This is mandatory. High minors allows for up to 4 players under 50 MLB IP and 130 MLB ABs. There is no mandatory requirement to own 4 high minor leaguers.

STRIKES

1^st offense: Empty minors roster slot: Warning.

1^st offense: Rostering ineligible player at roster lock: Opponent is allowed to select one player that you must sit the following day.

1^st offense: Starting ineligible player at roster lock: Opponent is allowed to select one player you must sit the following 2 days.

2^nd offense: Empty minors roster slot: Warning.

2^nd offense: Rostering ineligible player at roster lock: Opponent is allowed to select one player that you must sit the following day, can not add or drop for the following day as well.

2^nd offense: Starting ineligible player at roster lock: Opponent is allowed to select one player you must sit the following 2 days, lose highest % owned (according to ESPN) low minor player to waiver wire.

3^rd offense: Empty minors roster slot: Lose top 2 highest % owned minor league players.

3^rd offense: Rostering ineligible player at roster lock: Opponent is allowed to select one player you must sit the following day, lose all minor league players to waiver wire.

3^rd offense: Starting ineligible player at roster lock: Opponent is allowed to select one player that you must sit the remainder of the week, lose all minor league players, must maintain 8 empty slots for one calendar year.

Violations on Sundays/Week 18/Playoffs

– Regular season Sunday violations will result in your opponent being able to select one player to be sat all week during your next matchup with said opponent.

– Week 18 (last week of the regular season) violations will carry a mandatory drop of your highest % owned minor league player.

– Playoff violations will result in an instant drop of your top 4 highest % owned minor leaguers as well as your roster being locked the remainder of the postseason.

– If an ineligible player is found in an active lineup, they can and will be removed from the lineup immediately by league officials.

Other Rules and Regulations

– Any owner that exceeds 12 starts in a week will have their roster locked for the remainder of the week, and they will only be allowed 10 starts in their following matchup with said opponent.

– Any owner that exceeds 12 starts in Week 18 or during the playoffs will have their rosters locked from the moment of the violation until the following Opening Day.

Trade Review: WEEK 1 POSSIBLE OVERREACTIONS EDITION

April 4, 2017April 11, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

carlos-gomez-and-brian-mccann-yelling — The lesson from this one was, as always: Fuck Brian McCann

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THE TRADE:

The Barnegat Banana Slugs trade [High Minors] SP/RP Matt Strahm, CF Ender Inciarte and RP Cam Bedrosian to the Manchester MooniniteZ for CF Carlos Gomez and SP/RP Juan Nicasio.

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THE BANANA SLUGS RETURN:

CF Carlos Gomez – 31 year old Rangers CF/possible head case/possible guy who just DOESN’T RESPECT THE GAME. I personally enjoy his antics. .292 OBP, 22 doubles, 1 triple, 13 HRs, 45 Rs, 53 RBIs, 18 SBs across 411 ABs in 2016. Much like the other part of the Slugs return it is perhaps best to look at the latterest parts of Gomez’ 2016 season, because prior to arriving in Texas he was awful. However for the Rangers in August and September he sported a .362 OBP, 6 doubles, 8 HRs, 18 Rs, 24 RBIs, 5 SBs across 116 ABs. The Slugs are certainly hoping they acquired that version of Gomez, and there are signs the Rangers made some serious adjustments to Gomez’ swing/approach. If he’s right a return to a 20/20 season is not at all out of the question.

SP/RP Juan Nicasio – 30.6 year old FIRE MAN or what have you for the Pirates. The Bucs attempted him as a starter last season and he was terrible, but was muchhh better as a reliever. 2nd half ERA of 3.50 (1.91 FIP), aka once he got to the relieving. 63 Ks in 44.1 2nd half IP (12.79 K/9 [14.54 in July, 13.21 in August, 11.21 Sept/Oct.]). The Pirates have a bit of a crowded field in the bullpen but nobody especially inspiring, Nicasio can very easily pitch himself away from a long man role and into a more high leverage (aka holds) role very early on. The MooniniteZ like him a lot and wish him all the best.

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THE MOONINITEZ RETURN:

SP/RP Matt Strahm – 25.5 year old Royals lefty set up man/future starter probably, their second ranked prospect according to Baseball America. 2-2, 1.23 ERA (2.06 FIP), 30 Ks in 22 IP (12.27 K/9), 6 Holds in 2016. REALLY GOOD in 2016, enough to work himself into the setup man conversation for KC to being 2017. REALLY BAD yesterday, which probably kinda sorta lead to this trade in the first place. Should eventually get a crack at the rotation but should also spend just about all of 2017 in the bullpen. Could (hopefully) be a solid source of holds out of a minors-eligible SP-eligible arm in the early going for the MooniniteZ, before transitioning to a majors SP-eligible holds source. I forget if I was doing major league comps for high minors guys but DOING ONE NOW, simply to show that it is possible to do a Matt Strahm comp whilst avoiding the LAZY Danny Duffy comparisons that are out there. Major League Comparison: DAMMIT, it’s Danny Duffy (pre-velocity boost and abandoning of curveball).

CF Ender Inciarte – I already dropped him so not much point talking about him but HE IS PRETTY GOOD. I encourage someone in need of CF or OF help to give him a look. Here is things I previously wrote about him (he keeps getting traded):

Inciarte is completely devoid of power, but like a good little slap hitter he doesn’t strike out too often/can draw the occasional walk/can steal some bags. Inciarte should bat leadoff for the Braves this year and if the offense ever gets their shit together, that would be to his fantasy benefit as it could get him to score a few more runs.

26 year old Braves CF coming off an ever so slightly injury shortened season that might have hid his sleeper potential a wee bit. .351 OBP, 24 doubles, 7 triples, 3 HRs, 85 Rs, 29 RBIs, 16 SBs in 2016. Should bat leadoff in ATL and AS I ALREADY NOTED LAST TIME HE WAS TRADED, could be a good source of runs (as all leadoff guys can be I s’pose) if the Braves offense gets its proverbial shit together. Let’s let Fangraphs contribute another thing:

A strained hamstring cost Ender Inciarte the first month of the season and likely had some impact on his awful May (.216 AVG, .539 OPS), but he was even better than the strong 2015 version from June on with a .308/.363/.411 line in his final 470 PA (.303/.338/.408 in ’15). Could be a sneaky runs asset if the Braves are anywhere near their second half prowess all season.

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RP Cam Bedrosian – 25.5 year old Angels set up man/should be closer but who fucking knows with Mike Scioscia. 2-0, 1.12 ERA (2.13 FIP), 51 Ks in 40.1 IP (11.38 K/9), 1 Save (1 BS), 7 Holds in 2016. Good mid 90s fastball and slider combo, easily the best reliever in the Angels pen so there is LITERALLY no reason why he shouldn’t just be named the closer outright. The MooniniteZ aren’t sure if they even want that but it is probably an inevitability, given that it is only Andrew Bailey and eventually Huston Street standing in the way.

RETURN SEAN LIKES MORE:

MINE. I always like mine. Unless I guess Carlos Gomez has SUCH a dominant April that it becomes clear I wouldn’t have just dropped him upon Ian Desmond‘s return, and THEN he continues to dominate all year and looks like 2014 Carlos Gomez. Then I might have some regrets. Until then MINE.