GOT Power Rankings? A Song of Ice and Fire and Fantasy Baseball

Winter is… ending. The frozen lands to the north of the future Trump wall are thawing out and The Backyard’s luscious green grasses are being lovingly transformed into finely manicured carpets that befit the battles about to be waged upon them. After all, the grounds crews have not been deported. Yet. Praise the Seven!

Excitement comingles with nerves and foreboding; trash talk and plaudits are shot across the Interwebs like arrows from longbows – and we still have a week to go before we roll out our bannermen and fight for the glory of our less than clever sigils in week one action!

Seeing as Game of Thrones is also coming back into our lives in just a few weeks, it seemed appropriate to create power rankings that reflected the fierce and fantastical world of Westeros while also taking stock of what each us has at his disposal and how well we have managed to prepare our armies for what is to come. In addition to being ranked in descending order, each team will be assigned a character from the World of Ice and Fire.

When you play the Game of The Backyard, you win or you get a fate worse than death: The Figs.

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  1. Pine Lake People’s Champs: Daenerys Targaryen

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Dragons are fire made flesh. And fire is power. And Drogon, Rhaegal, and Viserion have nothing on the flamethrowers in Ryan’s rotation. Kershaw, Sale, Hernandez, Strasburg, Rodon, Wainwright? Oh, hell, let’s just throw in a July return for Zack Wheeler too, just in case any part of the known world was left unscorched. It’s fire and blood and death and destruction for the rest of us, because I have news for you: nobody’s winning the starting pitching categories against him.   Nobody. This means that he only has to win a few categories on offense to coast to a nice little victory each week and an eventual easy qualification and probable bye-week spot in the post season. And here’s the scary thing: his offense is good too. Carlos Correa, the most exciting young superstar in the game, is surrounded by exciting youthful talent trending upward: Springer, Rendon, Yelich, Moustakas, Castellanos, and Belt; all young and sexy Dany in a fire covered with dragons stuff – and those dragons are only going to get bigger. Even his vets are perfect: Russell Martin is scary underrated, and as someone who owned him last year, I know he’ll put up great numbers from the catcher slot. Like people have been saying for what seems like a decade, “Justin Upton is still young!” Yes, the guy that no one is talking about anymore is still only 28, well within the margin of error for his “prime”, and is going to have a very solid fantasy season in a cozy Tigers lineup. We haven’t even gotten to Ryan Braun, who is still going to put up great numbers. We haven’t even started to worry about CarGo’s health! Frankly, my friends, it doesn’t matter. CarGo could get shot in both hamstrings with a crossbow at this point – R-Mac has enough to fly across the Narrow Sea and take back what is rightfully his. If he doesn’t do it I’ll be beyond shocked.

  1. Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club: Loras Tyrell

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Come on, it was too easy, right? Loras is young, talented, and exciting. He’s got the fanciest armor. He’s fiercely loyal to his… guys. It makes a lot of sense. Mike Trout, Jose Fernandez, Kris Bryant, Gerrit Cole, Todd Frazier, and Mookie Betts are now joined by the chest-shaving sexiness of Anthony Rizzo and Gregory Polanco. And when it comes to even younger boys? The golden rose trio of Trea Turner, Dansby Swanson, and Lucas Giolito are sure to give this league more than we can handle when it’s finally their turn. It’s tough to trade with Greg, because he likes what he likes and doesn’t allow the prevailing views of society to alter his desires. I respect that. He’s come quite far sticking to his guns: young talent, an excellent scouting network, and sticking with his kings. Of course, this sort of buggery can annoy other owners, but it’s probably just jealousy. After all, it’s tough to argue with that roster. Will our league Loras reach the highest of highs and take vengeance on those who have stolen in like a shadowy figure in the night to kill his dreams and take his trophy from him? Only time will tell, but this could very well be his year.

  1. River City Cuban Missiles: Jamie Lannister

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The Kingslayer: A former league villain, now enjoying a likability rebirth of sorts. Our league’s reigning champion now reduced to third in the power rankings? Well, that’s how I see it. Let’s be plain: A repeat would not surprise me one bit. That said, this fearsome knight has had his sword hand chopped off – his power, his inevitability, are damaged. The loss of the likes of Anthony Rizzo, Chris Davis, and Jose Bautista is not to be taken lightly. He’s still got the heart of a warrior, but he’s going to have to think quickly on his feet, keep his wits about him, and do it a slightly different way. Baby Bryce, Giancarlo, Machado, and Abreu are still the core, and it’s a hard-to-the-core type of core; but questions remain. Who are Yasiel Puig, Adam Jones, and Freddie Freeman really? Are they going up, going down, or bouncing all over the damn place? Will Hanley give enough fucks to make himself relevant? Can Mike keep these guys healthy (several risks here but mostly we’re all looking at you, Tulo.) Somebody call a Maester, because we ‘bout to have a medical situation or two up in this clubhouse. The Missiles proved that one could piece together a rotation and still go all the way, and with the exception of the Zack Grienke signing, that’s essentially what’s being done again this year. That said, Carlos Martinez and Michael Wacha are nothing to shake a golden hand at. Pineda will be traded to Rojo soon enough, and Shark and Yordano… well again, who ARE they really? The missiles are just that this year: dangerous and explosive, but a bit indiscriminate and hard to maneuver. Depending on who they’re up against though? We might even find ourselves rooting for them more often than not.

Now, at this point I should mention, I think our champion comes out of the above three teams. They’re head and shoulders above the rest of the league. The toughest part of this article will be filling in the rest of the field, because honestly any of the remaining seven teams could make those all important last three playoff spots behind the big dogs. This is gonna be a crap shoot, but here goes:

  1. Barnegat Banana Slugs AKA Ketel One Frozen Bananas: Bran Stark

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And not just because Mike pushed me out of a window in the finals last year! Hell, I mean I did make those finals didn’t I? Look, my team is solid, I have to give myself a little bit of credit. But let’s be clear, I’m working against this whole curse thing here and I’m completely fucked. My back is broken. Sonny Gray has arm fatigue. Jake Arrieta’s getting mysterious blisters. Will Smith ripped his knee in half. Max Scherzer has two different colored eyes! And that’s just the pitchers. Joey Bats has a stiff neck, StarMar is getting tightness in his legs, and I’m supposed to have drained my balls 30 times before sending in my semen to the lab for the first of TWO sperm screenings to make sure the snip was legit and I’m NOT EVEN CLOSE. Anyone else feeling the tension? But just like Bran – I am going to fight the wars ahead with my mind. I’m gonna plug into the Weirwood Matrix and do what I do best: research, research, research. I think my draft went well, I’ve got power, speed, and OBP for days, a solid mix of young, old, and mid-range, and even a promising young’n or two in Trevor Story and Jose Peraza (hell maybe even Sean Newcomb does something exciting). I’m in the trees. You don’t see me, but I’m watching. See that one face? It looks a lot like Josh Donaldson. See that one? The one with no glasses to get in the way of its pretty eyes? That’s Brian McCann. Starling Marte is there. See that really old knarled one? It’s the Big Papi tree, and it’s still putting up the same boring great stats even though nobody wants to touch it. Turner and A-Gonz are keeping the OBP up, Schoop and Joc are mashing homers, Adam Eaton hit another triple, and Ketel Marte just stole another bag. The night is dark and full of terrors. I understand the past, I have visions of the future, and I’m learning to adapt in the present. Curses of the new gods were made to be overcome by the old gods of the children of the forest. The tree is bleeding and bound to the earth, but I still feel as alive as ever.

  1. Rojo’s Resurgence: Arya Stark

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I’ll be clear: I hate Rojo’s team. It’s old, completely devoid of sex, and it seems to be grasping at all the wrong straws. That said, it has an air of scrappiness about it that I like, and if everything falls the right way, RoJigga’s men could be that annoying team that beats you every time, or more times than you’d like. Adding Nelly Cruz and Eric Hosmer was a solid bit of thinking. Kluber, Tanaka, Cueto, and Severino will quietly do the job on the mound, and let’s not forget (as if we ever could) That Rojo has a little sword called Needle. And he wasn’t afraid to take Needle and hide him away for a year or so in the rocks until the time was right to take him out and stick some motherfuckers. Needle is Yu Darvish ladies and gentlemen, and don’t think Rojo won’t switch faces and go all Cat of the Canals on our asses, take that Stark fire in the belly and jump back in the fray with all of us. Or back in the FREY if you will? Anyway, it’s never gonna be shiny, but the whole organization has the possibility to just chug it’s way along like a faceless bringer of death that slices off one too many opponent’s toes this year. Goldy has always been the jewel in his trueborn crown, but there’s more here to like. If guys like Kinsler, Beltre, Pence, Dickinson, Cruz, and Morales can keep their legs attached to their bodies/stave off the wheelchairs for another season, next year could very well be now. I mean there is a bit of youth here: Carlos Gomez is still a pretty exciting player and Byron Buxton could be a serious masher this season and for many seasons to come. A lot has to break right, but Arya is learning and growing. She’s been getting fucked with for years now, chanting our names before her bedtime and plotting our downfall. Revenge is within her grasp and if she doesn’t reach the top this season, she still might assassinate a major character or two before the year is out.  And none of us are going to believe that it was the little girl standing before us in the dirty clothes with the little Needle.

  1. Main Street MooniniteZ: Jon Snow

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Splitting up the McLaughlin/Odom family was traumatic; Sean’s crew may have been banished to the Wall, but he’s been making the best of it, and I say he’s back in the playoffs this year over his other half Odom. The MooniniteZ are going to hit the ball hard, knock in runs, get on base, and steal a few bags as well. The Valyrian Steel core of Edwin Encarnacion and Nolan Arenado was always rock hard but it is the mark of a true Northman to beef up the OBP battlements with Joey Votto, Matt Carpenter, Carlos Santana, David Peralta, and Dexter Fowler. Sprinkle in the homers of Khris Davis, the upside of Brad Miller, and the wheels of Delino DeShields, and you have yourself a heap of talent wrapped in a heavy black cloak, just waiting to do some damage. The Bullpen will rack up strikes alongside the saves and holds, and the starters (Ross, Lirianao, McCullers) can mostly get the job done. I worry about Velasquez on the Phillies and Raisel Iglesias with all the innings coming his way this year (I’d never have gotten rid of Rodon but Seany had his reasons I suppose; don’t you dare offer him a crown if it means he’d have to break an oath to his values – even if the values are getting rid of a pitcher who throws the nastiest slider on planet earth because one feels the boy is too over-reliant on it…). Anyway all that time on the Wall – on the outside looking in last year? It built character – and whether it’s as a man, a wolf, a spirit, a white walker or the Lord of Light’s fire, Seany will be back in the mix this year.

  1. Springfield Isotopes: Petyr Baelish (Littlefinger)

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There’s always more going on behind the scenes, and few can pull the strings and seek to benefit from the chaos as much as our goodly commish. Respectable on the surface, but capable of dark and heinous acts behind closed doors, this team will eliminate a few that get in the way, but I believe they are still toward the bottom of a long rope ladder, though they are climbing it steadily. Also, what’s with his obsession regarding Sansa Stark? Has he controlled this girl just long enough to create a monster? More on that later… Back to business: Like a riddle wrapped inside an enigma, what does the mysterious stranger Byung Ho Park hold in store for us? Miguel Cabrera drinks too much, Robinson Cano is not worth the price of his name, Evan Longoria is bang-on average, Prince Fielder is somehow still a professional athlete despite being heavier and having worse sleep apnea than I did at my fattest, and Starlin Castro should not be rostered in a ten team league. But be vigilant. The Commish possesses tools that are dangerous and may manipulate them into victories: AL CY Young winner Dallas Keuchel anchors a solid starting rotation that includes Jon Lester, Cole Hamels, Justin Verlander, and the on the rise Marcus Stroman. The addition of Smash Davis and Jason Heyward was smart, and we all know I’ve had a love affair with Trevor Rosenthall for years now, but will it be enough? I have him at seven, but if all those things I said might go right for Rojo go wrong? Littlefinger will slide all up in that ass and might even go on a shocking playoff run.

  1. Dee-Generation X: Ned Stark

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I really can’t believe how low I’m ranking Odom’s squad here, but the going is going to be tough. Our league’s dear old Ned Stark sticks to his guns even in the face of overwhelming deception, corruption, and fuckery. The guns are: those things that the rest of the league mostly tries to plug in later- Saves and steals- The proverbial “S” in SAGNOF (Saves/Steals Ain’t Got No Face)? Well, they do have a face; meet Dee Gordon, Billy Hamilton, Charlie Blackmon, Elvis Andrus, Wade Davis, and Craig Kimbrel. Now that we’ve all been properly introduced, Where’s all the dirty powergrubbing going to come from in a man so pure? If you refuse to play the game, to change your face to suit the party, are you destined to have your face (and the rest of your dome) lopped from your body? It could be so. We know that Odom will always work his hardest to do the right thing – He’ll make 20 moves for every two the rest of us make – and that his honor and work ethic cannot be questioned. He’s been nothing short of an inspiration to many of the other characters in the league, myself included. But at the end of the day, it just might not be enough to carry the X-Men into the postseason. To prove me wrong, Price, Archer, Shields, and McHugh are going to have to have the seasons of their career, Piscotty, Kiermaier, Duffy and Pillar are going to have to show that they aren’t just flashes in the pan, and they’re all gonna have to be bolstered by some savvy pickups along the way. Otherwise, here comes the chop.

  1. Club Going Up On Altuve: Sansa Stark

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The object of Littlefinger’s controlling hand has been getting shit on for years now and frankly, I think I may be getting it dead wrong not having House Connor closer to the vanguard, but here we sit. Bad decisions and bad luck have been piled on for years. But things are starting to look a little brighter here and there: Altuve is still an amazing fantasy asset, JD Martinez was a great get, Maikel Franco has the ability to beat the ball like a red-headed (trueborn) child, and Billy Burns’ skillset plays in our scoring format. Jake DeGrom will look nice in the stable next to Carlos Carrasco, nabbing Joe Ross was a goody, and Giles and Melancon better do the damn thing this year to justify how high they were taken. Like Sansa, you fuck with her long enough and sooner or later you’re going to reap what you’ve sown. We all could be paying pretty soon, but I’ll wager it’s not a fully marinated revenge roast until next season. Ignore this Club at your peril!

  1. Whitestone Bulldogs: Theon Greyjoy

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Again, this feels too low for what actually isn’t a bad little squad in Cliff-Town, but alas, someone has to be #10. Like Theon, it’s hard to live in one world but still feel an overbearing sense of connection to another; it’s hard to be both here and there all at once. One has to play the game as it’s laid out and not how you’d like it to be in a perfect world. That’s the case both when it comes to league participation (absent in chats) and player selection (overwhelming amount of Mets). Just as Theon turned his back on the family that took him in, Cliff has turned his back on both the rest of the league and on most any fantasy player who isn’t a Metropolitan. To him – Queens Boro = Ironborn and he’s determined to sacrifice his team to the Drowned God of the Aldersons in the hopes that it may net him some long hoped for victory or sense of status. Unfortunately, it’s going to land him in some psychopath’s torture dungeon chained up alongside Jay Bruce and Lucas Duda swapping stories about the Miracle of ’86 in between getting his fingers flayed and his dick pruned with garden shears. Combine this with a low amount of moves and you arrive at the unavoidable conclusion that while what is dead may never die, it also ain’t winning much this year. Come the fall, the Bulldogs might still have their name but their record might be the thing that truly REEKS.

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And that’s about it!

Now, I know, I know, you’re upset, you’re thinking “No Tyrion?” But look, no one of us gets to be Tyrion – everyone THINKS they’re Tyrion – he’s the coolest character there is, as well as the most human. But I am going to assign him- to The Backyard itself. Yes that’s right folks, The league as a whole is undeniably Tyrion: Small and insignificant to most, but undoubtedly greater than the sum of its parts. Full of brains, cunning, and sarcasm; sporting a pretty serious drinking problem and fondness for whores.; and most of all? Funny as can be. You lot are good people, and I’d be pleased to brave any Wildling hoard with you all at my side. Good luck this year, in the name of the Old Gods and the New, may the Seven smile upon you, may your bats strike true and your pitchers paint the corners, and if Winter is coming may it never be until we’ve gotten a full season of baseball under our belts first. Here’s to you, lads.

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GOT Power Rankings? A Song of Ice and Fire and Fantasy Baseball

Overly Long Overly Critical Entirely Necessary Draft Review

In today’s age of instant analysis and tweetery and other fuckery, there is a tendency within this league to immediately declare “winners” and “losers” on all trades and transactions.  I generally don’t approve of this practice, particularly when Mikey T is doing it because he is almost always wrong #SeanForCommish.  That being said, I have an unfulfilling job and Mike bestowed upon me the ability to post things to this “blog” SO LET’S DECLARE THE BIGGEST WINNER AND LOSER FOR EACH ROUND OF THE DRAFT.  Shall we?  We shall.

A few quick rules:

  • You have to have a pick in said round to be declared winner or loser of said round (this means Odom is safe for the first 15 rounds or whatever.  I trust his process).
  • Multiple picks in a round can either help you or hurt you depending on how stupid or less stupid you were with said picks.
  • My opinion is the correct opinion and your opinion is the incorrect opinion.

I believe that about covers it.  ON TO ROUND 1 or 16 or whatever is least confusing for your small brains.

—ROUND 1 (16)(shame on us for having so many fucking keepers I will not miss these drafts)

BIGGEST WINNER:

Lobman:  Freddie Freeman (153), Carlos Martinez (155), and Hanley Ramirez (160).

I really really do not want to be complimentary of Lobman’s draft very often and truth be told I’ll probably find a way to make this the last nice thing I have to say about Mike ever, but I guess he technically “won” this round through A) having Freeman fall to him and B) making a very nice pickup in Carlos Martinez.  It is a testament to those first two picks that I am not going to discuss how much of a mistake it was picking Hanley Ramirez, whom sucks dick.

 BIGGEST LOSER:

Connor:  Ken Giles (157).

Connor takes the all-important first round loser crown by taking a goddamned closer, which surely hasn’t been done since Odom and I took an SP eligible Aroldis Chapman.  I think we all know how that turned out.  What Connor did here was way different than that and Connor sucks for this.  Just plain sucks.

—ROUND 2 (17)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Greg:  Gregory Polanco (162)

Greg is another guy I hate speaking about in a positive manner, and in fact I rarely do!  But Greg wins out here by Rojo being a dumbass and taking a world-weary Matt Kemp in Round 1 instead of G-Po, a youthful stud.  Quick and friendly reminder that this is a dynasty league.  Anyways, Rojo himself lucked out because Connor took a closer in the first round and so he avoided my public shame and ridicule over Matt fucking Kemp.  Hey speaking of….

GOD YOU FUCKING BIGGEST LOSER YOU:

Connor:  Mark Melancon (168).

CONNOR YOUR TEAM IS NOT THIS GOOD YOU ALREADY TOOK A FUCKING CLOSER IN THE FIRST ROUND YOUR TEAM WAS NOT A FEW CLOSERS AWAY FROM GREATNESS GODDAMN YOU.  Furthermore STOP WITH THE FUCKING DRAKE-THEMED TEAM NAMES YOU ARE THE MCGIBBLETS NOW AND FOREVER AND I KNOW MIKEY T IS RUNNING YOUR TEAM AND HE IS DOING A POOR JOB OF IT CLEARLY…… #SeanForCommish

—ROUND 3 (18)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Ryan:  Raisel Iglesias (176), Brandon Belt (179).

Ryan did a nice job here taking the amazing destined for greatness Raisel Iglesias and a criminally underrated due for a breakout right about now Brandon Belt.  Ryan then sent me Raisel Iglesias for Carlos Rodon, whom I took two picks ahead at 174 and whom is also destined for greatness just using a different throwing arm.  Nice work all around, and Ryan now officially has the greatest collection of left-handed pitchers ever assembled in this league.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Lobman:  Kenta Maeda (175).

Fuck you Mike, this guy probably tops out at 86 MPH and you will never win back to back championships and in fact you already lost this year by going trade-happy and letting all your power bats just up and leave.  I would insert a picture of the 1997 Marlins if I was more web-savvy.

—ROUND 4 (19)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

MOONINITEZ:  Lance McCullers (183), Andrew Miller (189).

Reports of Lance McCuller’s shoulder’s demise have been greatly exaggerated, and he is really good.  And Andrew Miller shall spend all of April being a really good closer before turning into the league’s best setup man and then probably going back to being a really good closer in 2017 when Aroldis goes off to a new team or gets killed by a ricochet.  GREAT VALUE ALL AROUND HERE, ME.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Mikey T:  Starlin Castro (184).

I mean I really could have just had Connor three-peat at this point but 1- everyone knows Odom and I will be the last team to ever three-peat anything in this sorry league and 2- Mikey T somehow conspired to steal the show from his own farm team with this Starlin Castro reeeeeeeeach to end all reaches.  I mean, I’ve got nothing to say really.  Slightly speechless.  Bravo to you sir.

BIGGEST LOSER HONORABLE MENTION THAT I AM FORCED TO MENTION:  CONNOR, Hector Rondon (188)

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CONNOR/MIKEY T

—ROUND 5 (20)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Brian:  Zach Britton (195), Brian McCann (200).

Now here’s a guy that gets it.  Brian plays it safe in Round 5 with an underrated closer in Britton and the guy that single-handedly helped Mike luck into a championship last year in Brian McCann.  See below for what NOT to do with your two 5th round draft picks.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Heroy:  Alex Gordon (198), Dansby Swanson (199).

I relish any opportunity to declare that a prospect got drafted ever so slightly earlier than I thought they should get drafted and that is what I am doing here, HEROY YOU DICKHOLE YOU.  However going beyond that I am also criticizing the selection of Alex Gordon, who is the current king of “better in real life baseball than fantasy baseball” names.  UZR isn’t a category and Alex Gordon the fantasy player has mostly sucked ever since Rojo cursed him as his first pick.  I call it how I see it, Greg.

—ROUND 6 (21)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

MOONINITEZ:  Vincent Velasquez (203),  Dexter Fowler (207),  and Gerardo Parra (209).

TOOTIN MY OWN HORN ONCE AGAIN.  Dexter Fowler is a leadoff man that can go 15/15 and score 100 runs because Cubs.  Gerardo Parra is now in Colorado (COoOoOoOors) and went 14/14 last year.  Last but not least, your National League Rookie of the Year Vincent Velasquez.  Cuz suck a dick Corey Seager.  It’s possible the Phillies do the wrong thing and start him in the minors but that would be a travesty, and I know “5th starter for a terrible team in the 6th round WAY TO GO SEAN” is what some of you are thinking but some of you have never won anything in your lives.  My name is all over that trophy that Mike is babysitting for this year’s champion and I say that Velasquez is a stud and shall be the Phils Opening Day starter in 2017 and shut up I win this round.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Connor:  Hisashi Iwakuma (208).

Iwakuma is notttt that good but is certainly that old.  Once again I feel I should maybe point out this is a dynasty league now.  BUT HEY AT LEAST YOU GOT ALL YOUR CLOSERS OUT OF THE WAY.  This fuckin’ guy.

—ROUND 7 (22)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Mikey T:  Jung Ho Kang (217),

Mikey T for maybe the first and last time in his entire life doesn’t disappoint me even a little bit, with this selection.  Jung Ho has a chance to be a top 5 SS in this, the last year he will ever be eligible at SS.  And then next year maybe he’s just a solid 3B.  Mikey T will have traded him for Scott Kazmir by then.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Ryan:  Brad Miller (216).

MEH.  And I say this as the guy that eventually traded for Brad Miller.  I like him, just maybe not quite this early.  And actually I hope I’m wrong and he goes 20/20 and then I look like a goddamned genius (for the trade not for this paragraph, this paragraph has a choppy sentence structure at best).

—ROUND 8 (23)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

MOONINITEZ:  Carlos Santana (223)

I am not going to point out this is a dynasty league this time, I shall instead point out this is an OBP league.  Carlos Santana should not still be around this late in an OBP league, particularly with some of the 1Bs you dandelions are rostering.  Fuckin’ right I just referred to you all as dainty little flowers.  I would do it again too.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Cliff:  Jay Bruce (230).

Jay Bruce Jay Blows.  Dicks.

—ROUND 9 (24)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Odom:  Elvis Andrus (238)

Odom gets biggest winner here just for finally getting a draft selection in.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Odom:  Elvis Andrus (238)

Unfortunately Odom is also the biggest loser for using his first pick of his last draft on Elvis Andrus.  aka the guy who will eventually be benched so that Ian Desmond doesn’t have to dick around in the outfield anymore.  Bad choice.  Friends tell friends the truth.

—ROUND 10 (25)—

BIGGEST WINNER WITH A GUN TO MY HEAD:

Heroy:  Jake Odorizzi (242), Denard Span (243).

This round was actually pretty visually displeasing.  When Odom rants against the draft and gets all salty about it he is going to point to this round I GUARANTEE IT.  But anyways Heroy takes the crown because Odorizzi just might become a nice little somethin’ somethin’ and Denard Span will once again be a useful fantasy contributor that gets dropped and added 85 times.  And also gets injured.  Definitely injured.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Rojo:  Jurickson Profar (249).

Fuck outta here with this guy….

—ROUND 11 (26)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Ryan:  Zack Wheeler (256)

Connor also did a nice job snagging Joe Ross in this round but I am so tired of that guy and his bullshit (Connor, not Joe Ross).  Ryan gets points for grabbing a possible future superstud here that he can just throw on his DL for the time being, again dynasty format folks.  Also I wanted to reward him for beating Cliff to the punch on a popular Met pitcher, a feat not to be taken lightly.

ROJO YOU LOSER:

Rojo:  Jorge Alfaro (252).

Fuck outta here with your catcher prospects….

—ROUND 12 (27)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Connor:  Marcus Semien (268)

Andddd this post has officially gone on for far FAR too long as I am praising Connor now.  But yea, Marcus Semien is a stud and the guy Odom should have drafted two rounds ago if he wanted a shortstop so goddamn bad and the guy a lot of you should have drafted instead of other guys that you drafted.  There’s numbers to back this statement up go look em up.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Me:  Seung Hwan Oh (267).

So I drafted a minors-eligible mediocre holds guy and no I’m not terribly proud of it but evidently it’s against MLB policy for a guy to pop off some shots in his garage and so I have to work within the system we have created here.  This move may be the steal of the draft at some point.  Note:  Really unlikely.

—ROUND 13 (28)—

BIGGEST WINNER I guess:

Cliff:  Yasmani Grandal (270)

Cliff stays all about that late round value by grabbing Yasmani Grandal, who is a very good hitter who played pretty banged up in the second half last year and apparently nobody else had access to his medical records the way Cliff did and so he falls farther than he should have fallen.  Unfortunately having at least one catcher is still mandatory in this league just so Heroy can prance around all proud of Buster Posey.

BIGGEST LOSER I guess but it’s kinda whatever at this point right?:

Odom:  Yasmany Tomas (276).

IRONICALLY this was a guy Cliff took entirely too early last year, but this is this year and this year I don’t think he should have even been drafted.  AGAIN I SAY IT OUT OF LOVE, but Jesus Odom when one has but a few draft picks one does not make Yasmany Tomas one of those few.  Also how awesome is it that I got two Yasmani(y)s in the same round?  It’s pretty awesome.

—ROUND 14 (29)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Cliff:  Curtis Granderson  (287)

Lobman also did well by snaring AJ Reed here but firstly I think we can all agree fuck that guy and secondly Cliff getting Curtis Granderson all the way back here is pretty damn good value.  Curtis Granderson is like the third best hitter on the Mets.  You heard it here first no need to fact check.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Ryan:  Javier Baez (283).

Ryan enough is e-fucking-nough with this guy.  Even Javier’s own abuela (SPANISH FOR GRANDMOTHER!) doesn’t believe in him at this point, nor does she see a path to playing time.

—ROUND 15 (30)—

BIGGEST WINNER:

Brian:  Jose Peraza (298)

FUN ROUND since it was like four picks and nobody was really paying attention.  I believe Rojo was already napping in a hyperbaric chamber for an hour and a half at this point.  Anyways Brian took a guy with a helluva lotta (or at least a little bit of) upside and nobody else did.  Kudos to Brian for staying focused even whilst drowning in a sea of fantasy baseball magazines.

BIGGEST LOSER:

Odom:  Jim Johnson (291).

In a way though, we all won with this selection.  TRUST THE PROCESS.

And there it is.  Clear and unbiased and unquestioned biggest winners and losers for all 15 rounds of our final “Backyard” draft.  Tune in next time when I write something shorter maybe.  Worst of luck to all of you this year.  THE MOON RULEZ.

mooninites_by_dangerdalton

Overly Long Overly Critical Entirely Necessary Draft Review