Power Rankings – SEANSTRADAMUS’ REVENGE EDITION (Week 8)

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Pictured:  Hennessy spokesperson Nasir Jones

For starters I would like to announce that Lobman outsourced his Week 7 recap responsibilities to cheap immigrant labor, so these power rankings may very well be alllllll you loyal readers get this week.  Cheap immigrant labor for ya.  Take it or leave it.

Conventional wisdom would say that I should abandon the idea of predicting this week’s matchups, seeing as how I only got 2 of them right last time (don’t buy into Lobman’s “4 for 10” that was merely designed to humiliate me and attack my credibility), but NOT MY STYLE.  Let’s do it again shall we?

POWER RANKINGS/POWERFUL WEEK 8 PREDICTIONS

  1. Rojo’s Resurgence (5-2)

Surely Rojo hasn’t felt this alive since that time he went missing for 10 hours because he was (allegedly) trying to dunk a basketball at North Dover.  In a league of mediocrity his team is playing the least mediocreally…my apologies english language….of anyone and perhaps above everyone’s expectations.  Throw in the impending return of Yuuuuuuuu, the impending debut of Juuuuuulio Urias, a solid lead (at press time) over the Banana Slugs, and the advances of modern medicine and Rojo may very well be feeling great right now.  And hey I find it hard not to root for the guy.  But for people looking for tips on rooting against the guy, single out his team logo which is HORRIBLE.  You can’t get some kinda fancy fuckin’ R thing going in there, Rojo?  Rip off the Ruff Ryders.  Hell rip off the stupid Rutgers R I don’t give a shit.  But just a picture of a stadium?  NO.

“OH WISE AND BLESSED SEANSTRADAMUS, WHOM IS ONLY HUMAN AND WAS BOUND TO HAVE A FEW HICCUPS LAST TIME BUT THAT SHOULDN’T AFFECT YOUR ABILITIES TO ACCURATELY PREDICT THE MATCHUPS THIS WEEK AND SHOULDN’T BE HELD AGAINST YOU, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK the Resurgence is going to resurge ever more and handle the difficult (albeit possibly cursed) Barnegat Banana Slugs.  And next week the Resurgence is going to succumb to my internet pressures and change that goddamned logo.  But back to this week, Resurgence go to 6-2.

2. OceanGate Trout Fishing Club  (4-3)

When you have some free time, take a stroll down memory lane and look at all the times that Heroy’s squads have lost in the championship game.  It was touched on this week and it’s like 3 or something and I dunno, that just feels sad.  And I think he was the 2 seed every time and HERE HE IS sitting pretty (or not so?) at number 2 in the all important power rankings.  The Fishing Club has some tremendous talent on both sides of the ball, so to speak.  And after a slow start to the year they are playing well, and I dunno maybe they should be taken seriously this year or something.  But.  MEH.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, team Heroy will play a minor role in a larger story about Connor’s team returning to Terrible Town.  I dunno maybe next week things will be more about him.  Heroy has only his lack of charisma to blame.  Fishing Club goes to 5-3 and starts to DEMAND to be taken seriously.  

3. Barnegat Banana Slugs  (4-3)

I was very tempted to just write “Runner Up CURSE ™”  here and call it a day but Brian deserves better and it’s his birthday and everything (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN) so he will get the hard-hitting analysis he deserves.  The Banana Slugs hit the Cuban Missiles hard last week.  In the face.  And we all know that means far more than just one notch in the win column when it’s a battle between these two bulimics.  Jose Bautista and Max Scherzer both gave the Cuban Missiles the business in their respective categories where they might be able to give business.  And I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about Trevor Story’s year a bit.  But I am very fucking fine with being remiss.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the fantasy baseball gods give zero fucks about whose birthday is when and Brian meets the buzzsaw that is Rojo’s Resurgence.  And Brian loses.  Runner Up CURSE ™  4-4  Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ DOES IT AWAKEN?!

4. River City Cuban Missiles  (3-2-2)

Our reigning champeens have just kinda been pussyfooting their way through the year, never that good and never that bad.  You can maybe say the same thing about every other team BUT MAYBE THIS TEAM SHOULD BE HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD.  It’s tempting to say that Lobman is currently more concerned with impressing us all with upgrades to his fucking deck or grill or whatever, but I also feel like it’s probable that there is nothing he is more concerned with in this world than the record of his fantasy baseball team.  And that record is as unimpressive as Xander Bogaerts exit velocity (fun fact:  Cameron Rupp leads the league in average exit velocity and Bogaerts name does not appear anywhere on that top 40 or whatever list) and as unimpressive as the the rest of the league’s record.  Parity’s a bitch.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK , Lobman’s Losers (got em) are going to be losers and lose to my big strong older brother cuz he is like the coolest guy I know and one time back in high school I think he had like 5 chicks in his car and they were all 10s and I swear I saw it with my own two eyes and I am pretty sure he knows karate too and could actually be like a black belt or whatever if he went to all of the classes but he didn’t need to.  So yea my brother is cool and Mike Lobman decidedly isn’t cool.  And that nerd is going to go to a record of 3-3-2.  Like a fucking dork.  

5. Point Loma X-Rayz  (3-3-1)

Perhaps some of the luster has worn off from the 2-0 start but Odom’s ragtag group of gamers continues to mostly get the job done, and they are thoroughly whooping the ass of this author’s lifeless team so whom am I to even comment on them.  A biased individual, that’s whom.  In response to PEDee Gordon’s suspension and his own acquisition of no longer minor league eligible minor leaguer Byron Buxton, Odom has gotten creative with his lineups and has plucked many a productive minor league bench bat from the free agent pool.  Those moves have allowed him to maximize his ABs in any given week and damned if it hasn’t mostly paid off for the fella.  The X-Rayz stumbled a bit upon the loss of their namesake but are showing signs of righting the ship, lead by a “stream a bunch of quality starts” strategy that everyone else should try and emulate.  APPARENTLY IT IS THAT EASY.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the X-Rayz shall continue to stream excellent pitching performances because APPARENTLY IT IS THAT EASY.  And the MooniniteZ will likely continue to barely have an offensive pulse.  And that adds up to an X-Rayz squad moving to 4-3-1.  

6. Bad Drake Puns  (4-3)

The Bad Drake Puns, a team whose success was once viewed as a sign of the comping apocalypse, continue their long journey to the middle (shouts to Almost Famous, RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman).  I don’t really have much else I want to say about them, Altuve is always dangerous and there’s a few pitchers on the BDP that I like but I wouldn’t dare want to engage this team in trade talks.  My favorite Bad Drake Pun’s fun fact is that their “first round” draft choice is the Astros 7th inning guy.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the Bad Drake Puns are taking on Greg’s talented squad and all Greg has ever really had to do with that squad is just not fuck it up.  And, at least for this week, he is going to not fuck it up.  The Puns shall slide back to .500 (4-4) and global warming shall reverse itself ever so slightly.  Not enough to the point where your children and future children aren’t still all doomed, we are past the point of no return on that.  But sometimes life’s about the moral victories.  

7.  Pine Lake .  (3-4)

Ryan’s decorated franchise feels less decorated at the moment, after becoming the first team to lose to the Bulldogs this year.  I tried to warn people previously that the Bulldogs play a mean game of fantasy baseball and so really there should be no shame in such a loss, but Ryan didn’t get the memo and now the Pine Lake People’s Champs have been rebranded the Pine Lake .   .  The first period is their name and the second period is me ending that sentence.  Wanna make that clear.  ANYWAYS maybe this is the start of some weird dark phase for Ryan’s squad like when Sting went all weird in WCW; it still hurts too much for me to discuss Prince so I won’t bring up his symbol name thing.  Or I dunno maybe this team will be just fine.  The pitching staff remains aces.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK Ryan will have less things to brood about as I predict the periods shall bloody (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) the Cuban Missiles and improve to 4-4.  It’s possible if I predicted every week I would predict Mike to lose every week.  It’s also possible Ryan will win this week, as he is winning currently.  Moral of the story is ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE LIFE IS CHAOS.  

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Pictured:  Ryan right now, maybe.

8.  Springfield Isotopes  (3-3-1)

In Week 7 the Springfield Isotopes took an ass whoopin’ at the hands of the fisherman’s club up the road from me.  In Week 8 they will need to be on their A game to stave off the SCORCHING HOT WHITESTONE BULLDOGS (1 game win streak).  The ‘Topes bullpen has shown dominance at times racking up double digit saves with saves to spare on the bench, lead in the saves department by the uber-valuable (for this year only [and probably only closing for another week tops]) Alex Colome and lead in the holds department by the uber-valuable (this year only) David Phelps.  The ‘Topes offense has been inconsistent at best.  In a way our fair commissioner’s squad serves as a microcosm of the entire league this year, and that microcosm says “who fuckin’ knows man” week after week.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK @T is going to lose to @Cliff, and I assure you these predictions don’t reflect my personal desires so much as they reflect the gift that my experimentations with sleeping pills and psychedelic mushrooms (not ever at the same time, I don’t think) have bestowed upon me.  This is just what they tell me people.  The Bulldogs are HOT. T’s ‘Topes go to 3-4-1.  Note:  Seanstradamus doesn’t predict ties cuz Seanstradamus ain’t no bitch (I can see this being a tie though).

9.  Main Street MooniniteZ  (3-4)

As much as I would like to find some excuse to vaunt my team up these rankings using a convoluted system of silver linings and hypotheticals and what-ifs but FUCK MY TEAM.  Votto still looks like some asshole who isn’t Joey Votto and I can’t clear my disabled list of its dead pitchers and dead Peraltas and I don’t even want that many pitchers on the team anymore because THEY ARE ALL DISAPPOINTMENTS.  We are a disgrace to the MooniniteZ but very much in line with Main Street, which is a similar sort of disgrace.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the MooniniteZ shall continue to play just a really uninspired fantasy baseball.  JUST NO GRIT.  I may cut half the fucking team after this one.  But anyways yea.  Staring 3-5 in its fat fucking face.  

10.  Whitestone Bulldogs  (1-6)

DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL BE IMPRESSED.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, Cliff is gonna do it again.  And I will be impressed.  Bulldogs go to 2-6.

TAKE US HOME NAS…….

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Power Rankings – SEANSTRADAMUS’ REVENGE EDITION (Week 8)

Power Rankings – THE SEAN-STRADAMUS EDITION

Nostradamyus
This guy is (marginally) better at predicting things than Sean….

– MY OH MY what a Week 6 we had. As Sean has more than adequately related to you all in the week in review (I’m sure, because I did not read yet), this week was filled with some spirited battles as well as some major league beat downs. Crying MJ’s were given to the losers, and temporary glory to the winners. It is essential that while we do these power rankings, we also address the GLOWING the issue of LAST WEEK’S power rankings, authored by one SEAN E. MCLAUGHLIN. In his always funny, sometimes insulting type of way, he made some prognostications, and let’s just say they didn’t exactly work out the way he had predicted. I will address EACH AND EVERY PREDICTION along with the rankings so everyone can get a good laugh at this dumb bastard. With no further ado, Rankings:

1. River City Cuban Missiles (3-1-2)

Oh hey, first place. Nice to see you again. After a tumultuous first few weeks where pitching stats fluctuated and some key trade pieces remained unproductive, The Missiles (bats) woke up with a key week 6 performance. Whether you want to credit Adam Jones’s 4 bombs, Hanleys +.500 OBP, or Tulo’s re-awakening, The Cubans outlasted a very strong but HORRENDOUSLY managed Mooninitez squad. I will use this time to place myself in first until the inevitable collapse in this week’s championship matchup.

That Prediction?: “the River City Cuban Missiles shall be sent to at truly ridiculous looking 2-2-2 record and the gods shall smile down upon us all.”  WELL NOW, that really didn’t happen. (0 for 1)

2. Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (3-3)

Yea, I skipped over the two 4-2 squads. Sure, they’re doing just fine after playing each other, but this is not about them. This is about another really strong week by the Trouts, which we must highlight because this week he’ll probably fall back to earth like the bipolar mess his team is nowadays. He gets the #2 spot because his offense was great and his team was the only under 3.00 ERA this week. Good Job Greg. You’ll most likely blow it in the future, but good job..

That Prediction?: “The FC’s staff is looking less problematic after a solid acquisition of Aaron Sanchez, and with him and Jose Fernandez set to pitch again this weekend I see Heroy winning a tight battle and improving to 3-3.  Sad!”  FIRST OF ALL, Don’t fucking trade analyze in the Power Rankings, Sean. Also, bad Aaron Sanchez showed up and made a mess of Sunday’s game. BUT HEY nice job in accurately predicting a OG victory! (1 for 2)

 3. Rojo’s Resurgence (4-2)

After a week that saw him as the #1 spot on the rankings, the Resurgence ?de-surged? and lost badly to the other upstart team in the league, Drakepuns. ROJO, DON’T LOSE TO BAD DRAKEPUNS CMON. I suppose it was closer than that 9-2 score looks, but you go down to 3rd for that bad loss. On the bright side, you tied for most doubles, so that’s like something I guess.

That Prediction?:Rojo goes to 5-1, Rojo’s Resurgence continues to be the 2nd hottest ticket in town (after that Hamilton rap thingie).”  SPOILER ALERT: Hamilton dies. And eventually people will lose interest in Rap Opera plays maybe. Also Sean was WRONG. (1 for 3).

 4. Bad Drakepuns (4-2)

The league’s collective least favorite team (we’ve polled the audience) takes down everyone’s favorite plucky underdog (my guess), yet still gets a spot below Rojo because GUESS WHAT I like Rojo much more. That being said, the ‘Puns put it together this week, and that should be commended. Also, I couldn’t put a 4-2 team less than the 4th spot. So yea.

That Prediction?: ”That piece of shit and his piece of shit team go to 3-3.” Well that’s obviously not what happened. I do agree with the first 2 parts of this BUT I give no half points for correctness. (1 for 4)

Main Street Mooninitez  5. Springfield Isotopes (3-2-1)

Guys, did you know that The Topes get a lot of saves? Well if you follow the chat like SO MANY of us do, you would know that The Tops get a lot of saves. Also, Miguel Cabrera hit a wall scraping homer the other night. Also, The Topes withstood 2 unbelievable pitching performances from the Sale/Kershaw duo to pull off a rather impressive victory. It will be very interesting to see if this team could carry this momentum going forward to complete an improbable run to the playoffs, but for now this was a very strong win.

That Prediction?: “and then NEXT WEEK he’s gonna wake up on Monday morning and wonder where it all went wrong.  Ryan’s team storms back, T’s ‘Topes go to 2-3-1.” Well, Sean, it looks as tho Sassy T woke up a winner. Good for him and bad for Sean (1 for 5, SAD!)

Main Street Mooninitez    6. Pine Lake People’s Champs (3-3)

Well, in a season where everyone’s basically .500, there’s a pretty good chance that one (BAD) loss will take you from #2 all the way to #6. Especially when two different people do the rankings. Listen, I love Ryan. He’s like one of my favorite people, but you CAN’T lose to The Topes! I think even he would understand this tumble down in the rankings. That being said, GOD DAMN those 2 pitchers Kershaw and Sale are just really good. Also, Yelich is quite a little player. That’s all I got for positivity this week.

That Prediction?: “The People’s Champs shall start their comeback on this very day and by Sunday’s end they shall be 4-2.” Guys, I know this is gonna sound repetitive, but WRONG AGAIN, SEAN. That People’s Champs comeback will have to wait until Week 7, where he will possibly be 4-3 (Maybe). (1 for 6)

Main Street Mooninitez  7.  Barnegat Banana Slugs (3-3)

Maybe probably, The Slugs should be slightly higher on this list. The problem is they played the hapless Bulldogs, who are now staring down the barrel of a winless season. But this isn’t about the Bulldogs, let’s talk about the Slugs and the Runner Up Curse ™. Its still there, no matter what happens this week coming up against the Missiles. The Curse will not be broken (or maybe it will I don’t know). Either way, the Runner Up Curse ™ keeps the Banana Slugs all sorts of yellow and sad and out of the top 6 of the Power Rankings.

That Prediction?: “So while I fully acknowledge that losing to the winless Bulldogs meshes well with the Runner Up CURSE ™, I feel the curse is going to be a bit less obvious about things and so for now Brian wins again.  Banana Slugs find themselves at .500” Praise Baby JESUS, as Sean gets another one right! Basically everything that was said is SPOT. ON. Correct, as the Runner Up Curse ™ works in really hilarious ways. BE AWARE of the setup Brian. The Curse ™ takes no prisoners. (2 for 7)

Main Street Mooninitez  8. Point Loma X-Rays (2-3-1)

Well, I guess in all actuality they didn’t have a bad week all total, as the X-Rays ran into a strong Fishing Club. I could make a joke that the Fishing Club caught and killed a Ray, but I’m not gonna do that here, so I’ll just say that despite losing, the only West Coast squad is still only 1.5 games out of first even in 9th place. Which is something. Lets just hope for better days for one of the Mikes, maybe even this week against The Drakepuns.

That Prediction?: “THIS WEEK I can’t shake the feeling that the X-Rayz shall be deterred by the Fishing Club.  Something about the X-Rayz pitching woes of late and the Fishing Club’s pitching matchups has me seeing a future where the X-Rayz find themselves at (2-3-1).  Not that this is much of a hole in our current season.  This year everyone is pretty much .500, pretty much all of the time.” This one was so overly wordy, I had to include the whole thing. It wasn’t a good write-up anyways, as it really gave you no useful information. But yeaaaaa he got that prediction right there, so good job Sean (3 for 8)

Main Street Mooninitez  9. Whitestone Bulldogs (0-6)

OH, so this is where you thought you’d see the Mooninitez after all the teasing? NAH, I got the balls to put that BITCH dead fucking last. There really is nothing good to say about the Bulldogs, who have a lovely human being as an owner. Oooh I found something nice to say. Anyways, Things don’t look all that promising for him this week against the People’s Champs, but I GUESS he will win at some point soon.

That Prediction?: “Until Cliff shows that he can do the opposite of losing I will have to predict losing.  Bulldogs end up at 0-6.” Basically, This. (4 for 9)

10. Main Street Mooninitez (3-3)

Yea, you wanna put the Missiles at #9? Well, when you lose after that lowlife white trash move, you get the 10 spot. I care NOT for the little fact that Sean’s Moon men are actually pretty good, and the fact that he MAY be in the top 4 if he weren’t such a pompous dickhead. In fact, no, his team and his choice in lifestyle are total garbage. And his predictions. I’m not sure I’ve made this clear enough yet, but he did a bad job with his predictions. His team is fine, outside of some bad pitching, but pretty much every team had some shit pitching. The real issue here is Sean’s mouth. Don’t make checks that Kevin Gausman’s wildly inconsistent right arm couldn’t cash!

That Prediction?: “But when it’s all said and done, fuck Lobman and these are my power rankings and fuck Lobman a second time.  Right in his slimmed down face.  MooniniteZ win, MooniniteZ go to 4-2, there shall be peace in Israel.” With predictions like that, there will NEVER be peace in Israel. (4 for 10, YOU LOST)

So, to sum it all up, Sean’s bad at predicting things. SEE YOU ALL WEEK 7!

Power Rankings – THE SEAN-STRADAMUS EDITION

FUCK EVERYTHING – A Week 6 Review

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Pictured:  Fuck Xander Bogaerts (stupid name), fuck Boston, and fuck you.

 

RAAAAAAGE.  This will be a slightly rage-filled review, as all of the matchups I predicted that meant the most to my ❤ turned out to be wrong.  And this means Lobman Mikey T and Connor all won in Week 6.  Bad news for everybody.  I predicted Odom would lose and was correct but that gave me no pleasure, I WAS MERELY TRYING TO PREDICT MY GOODEST.  The good news of course is everyone is still one jumbled mess of .500 or mostly .500.  So either a few teams put together a few win streaks and really get some breathing room or everybody just stays here all year and the ESPN tiebreaker system chokes to death on its own confusion.  

But that is for later.  For now on to the review, in which I will possibly be mean but definitely won’t hide behind a “disclaimer” beforehand….

 

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Pictured:  Gahhhh what the fuck.

Barnegat Banana Slugs EUTHANIZE AN ALREADY DEAD Whitestone Bulldogs – 13-1-0

MVP:  Max Scherzer – I mean I could have given this to Trevor Story or something but WHAT can really be said about that guy that Brian hasn’t already said 60 times.  Nothing, that’s what.  Meanwhile Mad Max threw a complete game NON SHUTOUT and struck out 20 fellas in that game.  That’s a large number!

LVP:  Michael Brantley’s Surgeon – Fuckin’ guy just ended up rightttt back on the DL.  Someone should lose a medical license over this.

In last week’s largest landslide, the landslugs landed a loud victory over the loser buLLLLLLdogs.  I don’t know what the fuck I was going for there but yes, this one wasn’t particularly close.  In addition to the Scherzer CG Brian somehow got a second CG, of the shutout variety, from Matt fuckin’ Andriese.  News to this guy.  Elsewhere in Slugs pitching staff news, Aaron Nola continues to look really really really good and so does Arrieta, but at this point talking about Arrieta is boring.  and so I shall not.  In the bullpen department the Slugs took advantage of an Orioles win streak to grab 3 saves from a one Zach Britton.  On the batting side of things, Trevor The NeverEndingStory (EAT IT BERMAN) just kept kicking ass somehow.  5 doubles a triple a steal and a .370 OBP.  And speaking of steals, somehow David Ortiz had one (in addition to a .462 OBP, 4 doubles and a HR) and I will need to review the tape if I ever care to figure out how that happened.  And I do not care.  Lastly but not leastly Adam Eaton (.467 OBP, 1 double 1 triple 1 HR 6 runs scored), a guy I traded to Brian for a guy currently playing in Round Rock, he is having a nice little year.  I do not want to talk about this not even a little bit.

On Cliff’s side, CLIFF LOST AGAIN.  And since I wasted all those words on the Banana Slugs to appease Brian’s insecurities now I don’t feel like I have time for any words for Cliff.  I guess I will just say that the Mets must have not been great last week.

Next Week: The Runner Up Curse ™ holder Barnegat Banana Slugs take on The Runner Up Curse ™ trademarker Mike Lobman and his Cuban Missiles.  Tune into the chat at some point this week to catch our two most sensitive owners passive aggressively complimenting each other’s team performance.  MUST SEE STUFF.  Also the Bulldogs take on the People’s Champs.  Good for Ryan (probably).

 

 

MLB: SEP 07 Giants at Tigers
Pictured: ANYONE other than Altuve cuz I am tired of that fucking guy. And look at JD Martinez’s dumb face here

Bad Drake Puns have a “Successful” week (hate myself) against Rojo’s Resurgence, win – 9-2-3

MVP: Jose Altuve – Honestly it’s probably fucking Altuve, it’s probably always Altuve when Connor’s team wins.  7 runs 3 doubles 4 RBIs 2 steals .486 OBP.  This guy….

LVP:  Yankees Starting Pitching – Severino gave up 7 runs in 2.2 innings and then hit the DL in order to save face.  Tanaka gave up 10 runs in 12 innings.  GREAT CONTRIBUTIONS MEN.

A sad week for fans of the Resurgence, of which I am, as they lost to Connor’s team and its total fan base of ZERO.  Fuckin’ Altuve, man.  And what’s worse is last week Jonathan Villar, a player who needs to move out of Orlando Arcia’s way, did anything but move out of Orlando Arcia’s way and ended up with an Altuve-esque .485 OBP and 3 steals.  Sickening.  The Bad Drake Puns got multi-HR efforts from JD Martinez (3), Trumbo, Pujols, and Lucroy and generally just rode those efforts and solid pitching to the win.  cuz OH, Rojo’s pitching was bad.  Aside from those excellent Yankee performances Rojo was also saddled with horrible efforts (on a scale from least horrible to most horrible) from Kluber, Steven Wright, and Chris Devenski.  That last one being entirely on Rojo as nearly nobody should be started against those fackin’ sawks right now.  On the bright side uhhh, Nelson Cruz?  Nelson Cruz hit 2 HRs.  Nobody amongst the Resurgence offense played especially well but THESE THINGS HAPPEN SMALL SAMPLE SIZE AND ALL THE RESURGENCE WILL BE BACK STRONG NEXT WEEK.

Next Week:  Well shit, never mind because the Resurgence play the MooniniteZ in Week 7.  So fuck that, have another terrible week.  Have a worse one, even.  Also in Week 7 Connor takes on Odom’s X-Rayz.  I trust that Odom still remembers his first playoff loss and shall respond accordingly.  Terminate with extreme prejudice.

 

 

482josefernandezshoulder
Pictured: Energy Drink Salesman Jose Fernandez

 

OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Put A Hook Through the Face of the Point Loma X-Rayz – 8-3-3

MVP: Jose Fernandez – In a close pitching matchup JoFer’s two start week made QUITE the difference.  1 ER in 14 innings, 22 Ks, 2 wins 2 quality starts (obvi).

LVP:  Not David Price for once – So that leaves Kevin Pillar.  He was 2-20 with one walk and ZERO counting stats.  Not cool, Kev.

This matchup was WICKED CLOSE heading into Sunday but not even all the Sawks in Bahsten could save Odom’s squad from a tough loss.  For example, Kimbrel pitched 4 innings last week and only had one save to show for it.  And I mean, that’s just one example.  On the bright side David Price pitched a 12 K gem.  On the dark side Odom’s offense couldn’t keep pace with the Fishing Club, making narrow losses in the pitching categories too much to overcome.  Heroy’s staff pitched to a solid 2.99 ERA backed by two absolute beauts from Jose Fernandez, and his bullpen managed to out-bullpen noted bullpen expert Mike Odom’s bullpen.  On offense the Fishing Club’s power was prodigious, resulting in 13 HR (21 to 8) and 24 RBI (65 to 41) victories.  Which are nothing to sneeze at.  Heroy’s squad also put up a .373 OBP.  Just tough tough numbers to complete against, and Odom mostly has Corey Seager and Todd Frazier to blame.  Each had 4 HRs a piece, Seager with a .407 OBP and Frazier with an insane .556 OBP.  Fuckin’ yikes.  I guess maybe I should have given him MVP for the week but can’t change the past now can we.  The brightest star in the X-Rayz offense’s sky was probably Travis Shaw, whom contributed a .515 OBP of his own (5 doubles, 2 HRs, 9 RBIs, 9 runs).  The X-Rayz had not enough of those kinds of high power high OBP performances, and so they lost 4 of the 7 offensive categories (and tied in triples), and so that is the anatomy of this particular matchup.

Next Week:  Heroy takes on childhood friend turned metrosexual fake New Yorker Mikey T, while Mitch Odom seeks to avenge three-peat champions from years past in a matchup against the surprisingly tough BDPs (NBD Odom’s got this).

 

 

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Pictured: The ruthless Supreme Commander of North Korea. (jk I love me some Jung Ho it’s just a bitter Monday and all)

Springfield Isotopes KO the Pine Lake Peoples Champs in the 12th – 8-5-1

MVP:  Lorenzo Cain – No doubt inspired by the return of Jung Ho Kang, Lorenzo Cain woke the fuck up.  3 HRs, 8 RBIs, 2 steals, .444 OBP.  Great week from an underrated player – Basically what you get when you play Cincy and Colorado in a 7 day week. Good times.

LVP:  Justin Upton – SCUFFLIN’.  Somehow I think BJ Melvin is the better Upton brother once again.  Little brother Justin went 3-17 with 2 doubles last week, and that’s pretty much it.  No RBIs, .222 OBP.

Welllll shit, don’t look now but Mikey T’s ‘Topes have a 3 week win streak on their hands thanks in part to a bullpen putting up some big numbers.  This was the 3rd different matchup that really came down to Sunday, and in the end the Isotopes prevailed.  PRIOR TO SUNDAY plugging in Fernando Rodney for a Padres doubleheader broke beautifully for Mikey T, as Rodney kinda shockingly picked up saves in both games against the Cubs on Wednesday.  Mikey T mixed and matched his way into another 6 saves in the week, even while leaving another 2-3 saves on the bench while he was getting cute.  Getting cute got the job done however, as Mikey T was able to win Ks and the bullpen categories despite losing in ERA and every other pitching category that caters to starters (wins, QS, CGs).  On the hitting side of this particular matchup, most categories stayed relatively close and yet most ended up in T’s favor.  Very strong weeks by Chris Davis (4 doubles, 1 HR, .600 OBP), Longo (4 doubles 2 HRs), LoCain (see above you dick), and KANNNNNGGGG (2 HRs, .421 OBP) helped Mikey T accomplish this feat.  Strong weeks by Jackie Bradley Jr. (2 doubles 2 HRs .458 OBP), George Springer (.444 OBP, 1 double 3 HRs), Carlos Correa (2 HRs) and Nick Castellanos STILL (2HRs) helped Ryan’s People’s Champs uhhhh, lose those categories by smaller margins.  As Sunday goes so often goes the week, and Sunday went to the Springfield Isotopes.  Sad!

Next Week:  The Springfield Isotopes return to OceanGate to take on Heroy’s Fishing Club, but THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL.  Heroy won’t give a shit what bus you are trying to catch this week, but you can catch an ass whoopin’.  Is something Heroy might say to Mikey T.  Meanwhile Ryan takes on the win-less Bulldogs.  At this point nobody wants to be the first loss to Cliff, and that team isn’t to be taken lightly solely based off its record, so this may be equal parts blessing and curse.

 

 

THE OLIVERIE FUNERAL HOME’S SLOW DRAWN OUT DEATH OF THE WEEK

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Note:  There is no difference because there is no God, no afterlife, and no salvation.  Only meaningless existence and certain death and eternal blackness.

 

 

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GIF’d!:  The only time I have ever liked Rougned Odor.

The Main Street MooniniteZ Succumb to Bone Cancer in a loss to FUCKING Mike Leake (and also the River City Cuban Missiles) – 6-5-3

MVP:  Mike MOTHERFUCKIN Leake – Bogaerts and Adam Jones were all the fuck over me this week but MVP goes to MIKE LEAKE and his wildly unimpressive quality start, for that completely underwhelming performance was what cost me the matchup.  He had 3 Ks and gave up a run and was oh so very efficient in his pitch count but fucking Matheny pulled him anyways.  le sigh.

LVP:  MLB Pitching.  Alllll of the pitching.  Also Joey Votto – This was an ugly pitching matchup.  Also Joey Votto forever until he has a week that one might possibly be able to describe as impressive (I was not impressed).

And soooo we arrive, at our illustrious Game Of The Week, yet again a game that came down to the horror show that is the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball broadcast.  Not to get all sexist but the lady girl was talking about lefties pitching to lefties and discussing her softball career and how she was pitched to.  Sooooo.  BUT BACK TO MY NIGHTMARE HERE.  Naturally I left a triple on my bench, naturally Gausman shit the bed against the Tigers when I really needed a QS earlier, naturally Lobman was utilizing my pitching nemesis Mike Leake.  And so a QS would get Lobman a win so long as I got neither triple nor save, and so Leake pitches a QS and Cardinals hitters barely miss 2-3 potential triples and Puig barely misses a 3 run HR that would have blown the Leake QS/the game open and WHAT YOU ARE LEFT WITH is a win for the Cuban Missiles and another bitter loss in a season full of them for the MooniniteZ (well I’m gonna say like 2 out of 3 felt bitter).  I’m not even going to discuss the pitching in this matchup, we were battling to tie with 5 QS out of 12 and all.  On the hitting side of things, again Bogaerts and Adam Jones were murder for Lobman.  15 hits for Bogaerts (3 doubles, 2 HRs, 8 RBIs, .472 OBP) and 13 for Jones (2 doubles, 4 HRs, 9 RBIs, .556 OBP).  Troy Tulowitski also hit 3 HRs and 3 doubles, which is terrible cuz he is terrible.  The Cuban Missiles finished the week with 20 HRs and a .379 OBP, which is very good and made the 15 HRs and .359 OBP of the MooniniteZ look not really good in comparison.  Which is a shame cuz they are also very good.  NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  Zobrist (3HRs, .625 OBP) and Addi Russell (2 doubles 1 triple 2 HRs .450 OBP) and Carpenter (4 HRs) were very good but NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  And so fuck everything.

Next Week:  The MooniniteZ will attempt to turn their heart off in a matchup against their Rojo’s beloved Resurgence, while Lobman’s Cuban Missiles will seek to avoid a crisis of a loss to friendly foe Brian and his Banana Slugs.  SO MANY EMOTIONS!

 

On to Week 7.  There are no easy weeks don’t let Cliff’s record fool you.  BEST OF LUCK TO EVERYONE OR WHATEVER…

 

FUCK EVERYTHING – A Week 6 Review

Power Rankings — Post-Week 5 for Fighting Edition (so like, Week 6)

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Lobman sings this lyric, with tears streaming down his slimmed down face, every time his team loses a matchup.  And he should get his voice warmed up and he should put on his waterproof mascara.

– Well, I’m not sorry people.  Because this isn’t at all my fault, because I have a VERY CLEAR VISION in my head of our weekly Power Rankings being released to our throng of readers the day after the previous week’s review and when the previous week reviewer takes his sweet fucking time like this you don’t get Power Rankings til Thursday.  Ideally these would come on Tuesday.  In a perfect world.  *stares sadly into the distance*

but ANYWHO Mike’s fuckup does have one advantage, in that now I am releasing this list deep enough into Week 6 I feel free to wildly speculate on the winners of this week’s matchups and let that influence my scientific and rigorously determined rankings.  Let’s get to those things:


The Contenders    this is stupid and there is no such thing as contenders in Week 6…

REGULAR OLE’ LIST FORMAT LET’S DO IT

  1. Rojo’s Resurgence (4-1)

Everyone loves a redemption story and Rojo’s ever-rebuilding franchise has been just that this year, rising from its ashes in a manner not unlike Rojo’s once broken body now being uhhh, less broken.  I’m not feeling big on actual analysis for this.  Uhhhhhh Brandon Drury has been a real nice find.  THERE.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

I am glad you asked, fictional person.  Also please do not yell.  THIS WEEK the Resurgence is going to continue to get the job done, though Connor may certainly make it a bit of a challenge for him.  Rojo goes to 5-1, Rojo’s Resurgence continues to be the 2nd hottest ticket in town (after that Hamilton rap thingie).

2. Pine Lake People’s Champs  (3-2)

The thing about Ryan’s team is the pitching hasn’t quite all clicked yet, which is a bit of a good news bad news thing for the rest of the league.  Most of his hitters have been getting the job done, save for stretches from Upton and Rendon, but some of his overall pitching staff numbers manage to leave a bit to be desired.  And by that I mean he is last in the league in Ks.  BOOM hard hitting analysis.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, things currently look dire for the PC but a closer inspection on the matchup says that everything is terribly close and Ryan’s pitchers have not yet begun to pitch.  The People’s Champs shall start their comeback on this very day and by Sunday’s end they shall be 4-2.  

3. Main Street MooniniteZ  (3-2)

I don’t want to list all of my players that have been good and tout my team’s virtues and all, but here’s a partial list of all my team’s players that have been good:  Dexter Fowler, Ben Zobrist, Nolan Arenado, Aledmys Diaz, Vincent Velasquez, Jaime Garcia, Kenley Jansen, Kevin Gausman, etc. etc. etc.  Also Addison Russell’s development is going PRECISELY as planned and Orlando Arcia looks pretty good down there in AAA.  If I could manage to keep a fucking healthy pitching staff WHO KNOWS?  The moon is the limit 🙂

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the MooniniteZ are in for a goddamn battle.  A knock-down drag-out affair that shall likely end up as our “(random good or service) game of the week” and almost certainly will come down to the wire.  But when it’s all said and done, fuck Lobman and these are my power rankings and fuck Lobman a second time.  Right in his slimmed down face.  MooniniteZ win, MooniniteZ go to 4-2, there shall be peace in Israel.

4. Barnegat Banana Slugs  (2-3)

Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK , and again please with the yelling, but this week the Banana Slugs are prrrrobably gonna edge out the Whitestone Bulldogs.  I don’t even think they are necessarily playing better it’s just that Cliff is just flat out unlucky these days.  That Max Scherzer 20 strikeout CG seems ominous.  There really may be an expose done if Cliff goes to 0-6 after another really solid performance.  So while I fully acknowledge that losing to the winless Bulldogs meshes well with the Runner Up CURSE ™, I feel the curse is going to be a bit less obvious about things and so for now Brian wins again.  Banana Slugs find themselves at .500

5. Bad Drake Puns  (3-2)

While the Bad Drake Puns shouldn’t feel too badly about losing their showdown with the Cuban Missiles last week (and losing it handily), one can’t help but feel that some of the pixie dust may have rubbed off after that one.  On the other hand, Trumbo and Altuve continue to rake.  Altuve, Villar, and Burns continue to swipe bases.  The pitching staff continues to impress.  These are all reasons to believe in the Bad Drake Puns, but whom wants to live in that world.  Prince certainly didn’t.  Take your admittedly prejudiced 5th place ranking and fucking like it, Bad Drake Puns.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the Bad Drake Puns shall continue their regression to the mean and shall falter against Rojo’s Resurgence.  I can see them making it interesting, it’s possible they are going to win even, but I like Rojo more despite not really knowing Connor at all.  That piece of shit and his piece of shit team go to 3-3.

6. OceanGate Trout Fishing Club  (2-3)

Heroy very narrowly avoided falling to 0-3 to start the year, and I brought up that Less With Mores team name once or twice I am sure and everyone enjoyed discussing what it would look like to plot Heroy’s team talent and team success on some sort of scatter plot (note: never actually discussed) but Heroy followed up his narrow victory against Cliff with an impressive victory against Lobman.  And then he lost narrowly to Rojo last week.  And here we are.  Trout’s mostly back to being Trout, at least.  I miss the Trout that used to give a fuck about stealing bases.  Stolen bases are sexy in the fantasy world.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, and again please with the yelling, but this week Greg’s sad set of underachievers is actually going to get the job done I fear.  My main man MO is still adjusting to the loss of Dee Gordon and subsequent loss of faith in humanity that accompanies such a loss, and his pitching staff continues to be problematic.  The FC’s staff is looking less problematic after a solid acquisition of Aaron Sanchez, and with him and Jose Fernandez set to pitch again this weekend I see Heroy winning a tight battle and improving to 3-3.  Sad!

7.  Springfield Isotopes  (2-2-1)

The Sprinfield Isotopes won a hideous matchup against Odom’s X-Rayz last week, which is unfortunate cuz 1-3-1 would have looked GREAT on Mikey T.  He really has the figure for it.  I still see a team being carried by aging stars playing over their heads, while also struggling to weather the storm that is Prince Fielder and Lorenzo Cain‘s seasons (Cain had himself a goddamn game the other day and seems to be turning things around, but if Lobman had done his cot damn job and posted his review sooner I could have written this whole paragraph without acknowledging that performance).  One thing I can say positively about Mikey T’s team, aside from discussing Linda’s rack, is that bullpen has really been putting up some numbers.  T’s ‘Topes had 34D 11 saves last week, tying the all time record.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK @T is going to look at this prediction, look at his current week’s score, see that he’s up 11-1 or something, and be like “oh Sean you are so silly”.  and then NEXT WEEK he’s gonna wake up on Monday morning and wonder where it all went wrong.  Ryan’s team storms back, T’s ‘Topes go to 2-3-1.

8.  Point Loma X-Rayz  (2-2-1)

My main man M.O. is still adjusting to life without Dee Gordon, his new normal for the next 6 or 7 fantasy weeks or so.  UNDETERRED, he admirably doubled down on his wasted roster spots by trading for a toiling away in AAA Byron Buxton.  Gotta love the moxie there.  ANYWAYS, so long as Jean Segura continues to do his best Dee Gordon impression our league’s left coast representation ought to be just fine.  #TrustTheProcess.  Not to be confused with the Process Rojo used.  I think they each used a slightly different Process.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK I can’t shake the feeling that the X-Rayz shall be deterred by the Fishing Club.  Something about the X-Rayz pitching woes of late and the Fishing Club’s pitching matchups has me seeing a future where the X-Rayz find themselves at (2-3-1).  Not that this is much of a hole in our current season.  This year veryone is pretty much .500, pretty much all of the time.

9.  River City Cuban Missiles  (2-1-2)

To anyone that says I am simply putting Mike’s Missiles this far down the rankings to troll him I say I resent that implication entirely.  The fact is Mike’s team just plain sucks.  Nothing to see here.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the Cuban Missiles are gonna leave it all out there and Rougned Odor is going to have 15 hits and it’s still not going to be good enough.  I GOT A FEW MORE TRICKS UP MY SLEEVE.  Which isn’t necessarily true, but like I always say “I don’t need tricks to beat chumps.”  I literally ALWAYS say that.  the River City Cuban Missiles shall be sent to at truly ridiculous looking 2-2-2 record and the gods shall smile down upon us all.

10.  Whitestone Bulldogs  (0-5)

Even though I was intentionally attempting to put Lobman’s team as far down this list as possible because fuck him and also we are battling this week, I couldn’t jeopardize my credibility by putting him below the winless team.  So yea, Cliff is last.  Although some of those Mets of his look FANTASTIC.  Poor Clifford can’t catch a break this year, not unlike that big red dog that always gets himself into shitty situations just cuz he’s so big.  He really is quite a large dog.  I believe those are bible stories.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, Cliff is going to lose again.  Possibly through no fault of his ow…JKJK INATTENTION WILL PROBABLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.  Until Cliff shows that he can do the opposite of losing I will have to predict losing.  Bulldogs end up at 0-6.

And there you have it folks.  An eerie ability to peer into the future, and I am not even using it for profit.  Until next time….

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I never watched that ’24’ show….. Rojo seemed to like it.  This is how I feel about that show but not how I feel about Rojo.  ALL HAIL THE RESURGENCE.
Power Rankings — Post-Week 5 for Fighting Edition (so like, Week 6)

A WEEK 5 REVIEW

A SPECIAL DISCLAIMER: THIS REVIEW IS ONLY MEANT TO BE FUNNY. I’M JUST TRYING TO KEEP THESE POSTS FRESH AND FUNNY (NOT ALWAYS FUNNY). I AM ONLY KIDDING WITH YOU AND YOUR TEAM. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY MY JOKES, DON’T BE. ALSO, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY MY JOKES. PROCEED TO THE REVIEW:

 

– Quick note – FUCK Y’ALL (REVISED)

 

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This guy is smug as shit, as he helps take down the Bulldogs

Main Street Mooninitez EUTHANIZE Whitestone Bulldogs – 9-4-1

MVP: Ben Zobrist – Shit I mean someone test this guy for some Eastern European steroid cocktail or something. 4 Homers, 15 RBI (Yes, 15) with a .455 OBP led the way. That’s pretty good.

LVP: Cliff’s Luck – This guy must of run over a black cat or killed a gypsy or some shit, because he’s 0-5 and really not bad at all. I just don’t get it. Can’t have anything to do with his roster activity no no no no no no no…..

Well, it took some crazy shit hot offense and solid relief pitching, but the Mooninitez continued to pile on the misery for the Bulldogs in a match-up where either team might have beaten lots of teams with the showings they had. Unfortunately for Cliff, he was playing on of the few that he, like, was worse than. This poor guy just can’t catch a break, as he had near 100k performances from his pitchers (JON GRAY hello) with 10 QS along with some pretty nifty offensive numbers. Sean’s Moonmen have shaken off some of the “you killed Oscar Taveras” bad mojo from last season, and are really starting to reap the benefits.

Next Week: Mooninitez head over to take on the Cuban Missiles, while The Bulldogs are gonna continue their search for win 1 against the Runner Up Curse ™ holder Barnegat Banana Slugs.

 

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Robbie Cano CLEARLY is doing some things.

Springfield Isotopes defeats Point Loma X-Rays – 8-3-3

MVP: Robbie Cano – With 4 homers and 9 RBI, Cano is back, dontcha know?

LVP: David Price – He PROBABLY wasn’t the worst player this week, but I will say this dude needs to get it going ASAP if Odom wants to contend. Here’s what his last 2 starts against the Yankees (THE FUCKING YANKEES) looked like: L L

The Topes have continued to pull their way back to respectability for the 2nd consecutive week with a win over a playoff team in the X-Rays. Neither team really lit the world on fire, but the real difference here was the Isotopes pitching staff, posting a near record 11 saves and approaching the 100k mark. Offensively outside of Cano, there was really not much to speak of, so I really won’t at this point. It has to be asked if the suspensions and crazy shell game offense of the X-Rays are really taking a toll on the production that this team has week to week.

Next Week: The Isotopes take on The People’s Champs, while The X-Rays work to right the ship against the Trout Fishing Club (get it?)

 

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America’s favorite underachieving pitcher treats us to quite a week.

River City Cuban Missiles CRUSH Bad Drakepuns – 8-2-4

MVP: Jeff Samardzija – You wouldn’t know it, but this dude had a nice little 18k 2 QS performance. Nice.

LVP:  Connor – Just because.

Defending Champ Cuban Missiles do the rest of the league a solid and take down the somehow top spot Altuves, in really what was a very balanced performance from both teams. Despite all of the bluster about how the Missiles conducted their business in the offseason, they currently lead the league in power numbers, and are doing so in a very balanced way. The Puns got yet another strong week from Jose Quintana and some of his other pitchers, but really it wasn’t enough because Lobman’s guys were just a bit better. And really, that’s good for everyone. If you think about it.

Next week: Cuban Missiles welcome the Mooninitez back to Earth, while the Altuves will do their best to deal with the RESURGENCE.

 

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Brandon Belt, pictured with his brother Brian Belt, help take down the Slugs in week 5.

Pine Lake Peoples Champs Salted the Barnegat Banana Slugs 6-5-3

MVP: Brandon Belt – Great week from an underrated player – Basically what you get when you play Cincy and Colorado in a 7 day week. Good times.

LVP: Sonny Gray – 7 Earned giving up 11 hits to the Mariners is GENERALLY a bad thing. I’m sure R-Mac doubly enjoyed that one.

Picture this: heading into the Sunday Night game (Yankees vs Sawxxx), you have a 6-5-3 disadvantage, so you really have a shot. ALL YOU NEED is a triple or a steal. One of those stats could keep you in the above .500 club. You have 2 guys going and your opponent has none. Ok, so I just need a triple or a steal from………… Brian McCann or David Ortiz? SHIT. Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™

Next Week: Will the Runner Up CURSE ™ lead the Slugs to be the first team to lose to the Bulldogs? MAYBE. Also, The Peoples Champs get a fun little matchup with the T’s Topes.

 

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THE WENDY’S GHOST PEPPER FRIES AND JALEPENO CHICKEN SANDWICH GAME OF THE WEEK

 

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Steven Wright pitches the Resurgence into a Week 5 Victory. Wait.

Rojo’s Resurgence (re)Surged past the Ocean Gate Trout whatevers – 7-5-2

MVP: Steven MOTHERFUCKIN Wright – How about a clinching CG win when your team needed it most? Wright did some major damage to Heroy and his trout club by tossing 9 innings of 7k ball in a win.

LVP: Todd Frazier – Look, I got Toms River pride and all (Note: I don’t), but Frazier couldn’t buy a base this week. .185 OBP is weak despite the homer. There may have been worse players, but I dislike Frazier so there.

Basically, all that needs to be said was the OG’s were leading going into the Sunday Night Game (geez that game was important), and all they needed was for Steven Wright to not have a great game. Well, Wright threw a CG 7k win (as noted) and really crushed all of Heroy’s hopes as we watched him anguish on the chat. A fun time was had by most, Heroy being the main exception.

Next Week: The Resurgence will hope to continue this Cinderella run against the Bad Drakepuns, and The Fishing Club of Sadness will match up against Odom’s X-Ray roster carousel.

– Lobman

A WEEK 5 REVIEW

Power Rankings – Consolidated for Time Edition

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Connor is the King of the Mountain – BUT FOR HOW LONG?

– Well, I’m sorry people. It seems that in the wake of my incredibly busy life (laziness), I neglected to post a Power Rankings, as is my every-other week duty. This was a very regrettable thing, because I was really hoping to praise Connor and his Drakepuns for a very admirable few weeks ahead of our match-up, which I will not now because its fucking Thursday and we’re in a battle. So I digress, and will make a quick little Power Rankings for those of you who are just DESPERATE for rankings. I know I am:

The Contenders

  1. Connor’s Drakepuns (3-1)
  2. Rojo’s Resurgence (3-1)
  3. Point Loma X-Rays (2-1-1)

What a weird and fascinating world we live in. It feels like only last year (it was) that these two were both on the bottom of the league, floundering along dreaming of success in 2016. Well, that dream has come true through the first month, as both teams put together very successful 3-1 records. Connor has a team name (which I will not speak of), and it’s based off maybe the best player that everyone’s tried to trade for like 100 times, Mr. Jose Juan Carlos Sergio Altuve. (Note: those middle names are made up). Rojo certainly has a resurgence going so far in 2016, and he’s done it with incredible balance. Seriously, look it up, because I’m not really going to expound on it much more than that. LOOK AT THOSE HOLDS, too. On the back end of this one is Mike Odom and his Lovely named Point Loma X-Rays. I love names that I could speak on and not get aggravated as hell. The X-Rays (See, its great) took a HUGE hit this week with Dee Gordon’s obvious steroid suspension, so we’ll see how losing your most important player will hamper his speed demon production. Also, I think ¾ of his team is hurt. Moving on…

The Middlers

  1. Barnegat Banana Slugs (2-2)
  2. Pine Lake People’s Champs (2-2)
  3. Ocean Gate Fisherman Club (2-2)
  4. Main Street Mooninitez (2-2)
  5. River City Cuban Missiles (1-1-2)

There are really too many teams here for me to write about, and I promise in the future I will be more invested in the process but GEE GOLLY these are a lot of .500 teams. This league has gotten so confusing that you have no idea who’s gonna win one week to the next! Maybe you all think you do, but you don’t, so there. Quick highlights for each team over the course of the month? Slugs – Story of course. People’s Champs – He got some pitching. Fishing Club – Rizzo 😦 . Mooninitez – Velazquez is a nice story. Missiles – Harper always. GOOD SUMMARY.

The Losers

  1. Springfield Isotopes (1-2-1)
  2. Whitestone Bulldogs (0-4)

It gives me no pleasure to put these to nice guys in the bottom rung of the league, but lets face it, someone has to be there, right? There’s not a whole lot of nice things to say right now about the Isotopes, but things may be looking up after a very positive victory over the Slugs last week, and I think they’re winning this week so far so hey maybe he’s righted the ship. But currently The Topes are the 9th best team in the league. Cliff’s Bulldogs are maybe the most confusing team to figure out this year, as they’re incredibly balanced and frustrating to face, yet are 0-4. If I cared enough, I would investigate further. I’ll just note that he’s made 18 roster moves, which is maybe not enough to compete in this league.

ONTO WEEK 5, Already in progress…..

-Lobman

Power Rankings – Consolidated for Time Edition

Week 4 Review- .500 Days of Spring

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The summer solstice is not yet upon us so I had to get cute with this title while simultaneously not letting it stop me from putting up a picture of Zooey Deschanel for, like, Brian I guess?  Brian is probably a fan.  Those that detect the slightest hint of terror/sadness in those big beautiful eyes of hers would be CORRECT.  This is a reflection of our collective feelings over the current record of the Bad Drake Puns relative to our own records.  Shame on everyone.  ON TO THE REVIEW…….

Quick side note:  LEAGUE MVP goes to Mike Lobman this week for discovering that a crying MJ meme maker does in fact exist.  I have decided not to fill this review with such memes but rest assured I could have.  Mike there is almost no chance you win back to back championships, like ever, but at least you will always have this (for this one week).

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Pictured:  The King of Coronas

Springfield Isotopes prove to have a greater half-life (bad science pun) than the Barnegat Banana Slugs – 7-4-3

MVP: Miguel Cabrera –Miggy woke the fuck up this week a wee bit, with 3 doubles 3 HRs and a .406 OBP.  Do it a second time and I will be impressed.  That goes for both 3 HR weeks and DUIs.

LVP: Adrian Gonzalez – A-Gon went hahahaa HOLY SHIT A-Gon went 0-20.  Fuck A-Gon.  Too many first basement have cutesy nicknames, is what we have really learned here today.

It is with great sadness that I report to you all that Mikey T’s ‘Topes are winless no more.  Thus killing the 203572349087623044512370573 most successful hashtag in human history.  This was a fairly tight matchup until Sunday but as per usual Brian disappointed me (jk <3).  Difficult to assign blame here but let’s try anyways, uhhhh both teams respective pitching staffs mostly sucked balls (save for Scherzer) but Mikey T got more out of his bullpen and a bit more out of his offense and that is all she wrote folks.  Miggy and Robby and uhhh Dusty all had strong weeks for the Isotopes, and the Asian fellow hit 2 more HRs and T’s Team was able to put together a .350 OBP even with Jason Heyward putting up a 0-17.  A-Gon was not impressed with that 0-17 one bit.  If there is a silver lining for the Slugs it is in Trevor Story’s performance, as the kid continues to stave off the regression monster that Brian refuses to believe exists in the first place.  And good for both of them.  Really if either team’s pitching staff pitched worth a shit they would have been in the driver’s seat but neither did and now Mikey T has a win and the league is a little bit less fun.  Fin.

Next Week: The Isotopes will take on whatever name Odom will be going with, I believe it will be the X-Rayz.  Odom will undoubtedly be very mean to Mikey T this week so that should be a treat.  Brian will seek to turn things around in a tough matchup with the Pine Lake People’s Champs, a team that might be physically incapable of pitching to a 5+ ERA.

PS- Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™

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Pictured: This fuckin’ guy

Pine Lake People’s Champs UPSET The Main St Mooninitez – 8-4-2

MVP: Clayton Kershaw – 16 innings and 24 Ks and that damned CG.  Shockingly Kershaw only had 1 W and 1 QS in this particular 2 start week but I have a theme here of touting the importance of CGs and so dammit I am going to stick with it.  Otherwise I would need to talk about Nick Castellanos here.  EXACTLY.

LVP: Joey Votto – Joey Votto forever.  Fuck you Joey Votto.  I mean he was better than like Delino DeShields was (don’t wanna talk about that guy) but also UNRECOGNIZABLE as someone claiming to be Joey Votto.  So he gets LVP until he gets his shit together.

I don’t think this necessarily was an “upset” per se but I found it rather “upsetting” which I think basically means the same thing.  The MooniniteZ could never really pull away early in the week and never really catch up at the end of the week, and just to be sure of that Kershaw went out and threw a 14 K CG shutout on Sunday.  PRETTY GOOD!  Not Vincent Velasquez versus a hapless Padres squad good, but good.  Nick fucking Castellanos man, he also kept doing things for some reason.  4 runs 2 doubles 1 triple 2 HRs 8 RBIs 1 SB .429 OBP.  I am just not sure I should have to look up a box score after a loss and see Nick Castellanos LITERALLY DOING AT LEAST ONE OF EVERYTHING.  Feels cruel.  The entire Pine Lake offense was solid if unspectacular, putting up a team OBP that was damn near .400 but also having a mere 3 HRs.  The pitching staff was its typical self, however, as two starts from Chris Sale and Kershaw = a 2.204 team ERA and 8 wins and more Ks than the MooniniteZ could muster.  It was an off week for the MooniniteZ in the K department and a weird offensive week that saw more HRs (8) than doubles (7).  I would like to point out that rainouts really did a number on the Cubs schedule, as they only got 4 games in.  Speaking of 4, Arenado had 4 HRs.  AT LEAST THERE WAS THAT I GUESS.

Next Week: The Pine Lake People’s Champs will battle the Banana Slugs in a clash of .500 teams.  Most teams are .500 teams so that isn’t particularly interesting.  The MooniniteZ will do their best not to lose to the Whitestone Bulldogs, because they are the furthest thing from a .500 team and so that would make the MooniniteZ look bad.  To lose to them.

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Pictured:  My current feelings over this Connor win streak.  For he is my nemesis.

Bad Drake Puns SIGNAL THE END TIMES WITH THEIR THIRD VICTORY IN A ROW over the Whitestone Bulldogs – 8-4-2

MVP: Jose Altuve – Unfortunately Jose Altuve is currently the best player in fantasy/on Connor’s team.  Dude has SEVEN homers right now, despite being no taller than Brian’s daughter.  This particular week he had 2 of those HRs, 3 doubles and a .385 OBP.  No steals and yet none were needed.

LVP: Patrick Corbin – I dunno, he had a shit start against the Cardinals.  7 ER and only 2 Ks.  Cliff’s team wasn’t even that bad last week, which is what is most terrifying about this whole ordeal.  On the Nats kick, Rendon put together a pretty bad set of AB’s this week, producing next to nothing. Also, Ken Giles is still rostered and he’s awful.

In the Book of Revelation, “seven trumpets” are sounded to indicate the beginning of the end times.  Now I am not necessarily saying that Connor is the Antichrist and his 3 game win streak is the start of the apocalypse.  That is for other people to say.  I am just pointing out facts.  And the fact is Connor has won three straight games and is technicallyyyyy, tied for our current top seed.  Thank goodness for the remaining 16 weeks.  I don’t even want to get into this matchup much cuz I am not sure either team even peruses this blog.  Cliff may not even know how to use the internet.  But it should be said that Cliff had a really fucking solid week and Connor’s week was somehow even solider and we should all be concerned.  I propose we sacrifice Brian’s adorable daughter to appease the angry gods.  Just brought this recap FULL CIRCLE.  You like that?  You like that.

Next Week:  Bad Drake Puns battle the 1-1-2 Cuban Missiles, in a game that the Cuban Missiles will privately be taking VERY seriously.  May god help us all if Lobman’s squad can’t pull off the upset there (winky face).  The Whitestone Bulldogs take on the MooniniteZ.  The MooniniteZ would like to keep them win-less and are very concerned that Cliff has basically lost 2 pretty good weeks in a row.  Most concerned.

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Pictured:  The Julio Teheran idol that Greg smeared with pigs blood prior to each Teheran start last week.

OG Trout Fishing Club (formerly of sadness) Reel In A Victory (sorry) over the River City Cuban Missiles – 8-3-3

MVP: Julio Teheran – Julio tossed two goddamned gems.  zero wins to show for em, but 7 innings 1 ER 9 Ks on Monday followed by 7 innings 0 ER 8 Ks on Sunday.  I don’t know either, man.

LVP: Yasiel Puig– Puig sucked something special last week, 2-24 with absolutely zero walks.  One of those two was a HR but still.  Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy, either.

Fresh off his miraculous comeback against Cliff, Heroy hosted our 2015 champeens and put a pretty solid beatdown on them.  Teheran lead the pitching staff to a 1.618 team ERA for the week, nearly besting an unbestable record set by a certain eventual 3 time (in a row) champion.  NICE TRY GREG.  Other pitchers that rocked shit for Heroy were as follows:  Taijuan Walker, Jake Odorizzi, Garrett Richards, really everyone.  Everyone has to pitch pretty well to keep your team ERA under 2 and so yea, everyone kinda did.  On the offensive side Andrew McCutchen woke the fuck up, if only for one game.  And in that one game he hit 3 dingers.  Other players with multiple dingers for Heroy were as follows:  Todd Frazier, Mike Trout (about time), Jason Kipnis, Gregory Polanco, and Buster Posey.  All with 2.  Add that all up and you have a team that hit 3 more HRs and drove in 2 more RBIs than their opponent.  And that is not the fault of Giancarlo Stanton, whom hit 4 HRs and drove in 9 RBIs and generally just tormented the Dodgers last week.  Not enough fellow Missiles shared Giancarlo’s enthusiasm for hitting, which isn’t to say that Lobman’s bats had a bad week by any means (.3690 OBP) but which is to say they had a slightly worse week than Heroy’s bats.  Nature of the beast.  The Cuban Missiles pitching staff had a middle-of-the-road performance, coaxing 6 wins and 83 Ks out of a 4 quality start week but also pitching to a 4.422 ERA.  Which was not good enough, is what I am telling you.  DEFENDING A TITLE IS DIFFICULT.

Next Week:  The Trout Fishing Club visits the surging Resurgers of Rojo.  I made that sentence more difficult than it needed to be.  Anyways, that has all the makings of a nice little matchup.  The Cuban Missiles take on the other 3-1 club in the Backyard, whose name I would rather not say.  But Connor owns them and Mike must defeat them.  If he doesn’t expect him to drunkenly drop half his team.

THE CIALIS STIFF COMPETITION OF THE WEEK!:

When the moment is right, will you be ready?

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Pictured: Left -Steroid dealer (probably), Center- Dee Gordon, Right- Another steroid dealer (probably).

Rojo’s Resurgence PEDeefeat the “Point Loma X-Rayz” (apparently) – 7-6-1

MVP: Johnny Cueto – In a matchup this close an 11 K CG can make allllll the difference.  And essentially it did, it was the difference.  Even though it happened on a Monday.  Go with this narrative.

LVP: PEDee Gordon – FOR SHAME.

Week 4’s closest battle ultimately came down to Odom’s mighty Red Sawks fackin’ failin’ to quite get the job done, as Odom needed X amount of Ks from the combo of Price, Betances (not a red sawk) and Kimbrel to beat Rojo’s Resurgence and ended up with

Next Week: The Resurgence have a date with Greg Heroy, which is just an awful date to have IRL and is probably just mildly unpleasant in fantasy baseball.  I am an unabashed Resurgence fan at this point and I do not care who knows it.  The Point Loma (hometown of the guy who founded Jack in the Box!) X-Rayz take on “real New Yorker” wannabe Mikey T and his Isotopes, and hopefully mean things are said.  He will never be a real New Yorker though, because real New Yorkers don’t feel the need to namedrop every B list celebrity they see get into a car.  Hopefully Odom says meaner things than that.

ON TO WEEK 5

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I don’t have an easy way to copy and paste the season stat’s through Week 4 right now and so I am not going to and this is how I feel about that matter.
Week 4 Review- .500 Days of Spring