Power Rankings – SEANSTRADAMUS’ REVENGE EDITION (Week 8)

May 26, 2016February 18, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

nas-nastradamusalbumcover — Pictured: Hennessy spokesperson Nasir Jones

For starters I would like to announce that Lobman outsourced his Week 7 recap responsibilities to cheap immigrant labor, so these power rankings may very well be alllllll you loyal readers get this week. Cheap immigrant labor for ya. Take it or leave it.

Conventional wisdom would say that I should abandon the idea of predicting this week’s matchups, seeing as how I only got 2 of them right last time (don’t buy into Lobman’s “4 for 10” that was merely designed to humiliate me and attack my credibility), but NOT MY STYLE. Let’s do it again shall we?

POWER RANKINGS/POWERFUL WEEK 8 PREDICTIONS

Rojo’s Resurgence (5-2)

Surely Rojo hasn’t felt this alive since that time he went missing for 10 hours because he was (allegedly) trying to dunk a basketball at North Dover. In a league of mediocrity his team is playing the least mediocreally…my apologies english language….of anyone and perhaps above everyone’s expectations. Throw in the impending return of Yuuuuuuuu, the impending debut of Juuuuuulio Urias, a solid lead (at press time) over the Banana Slugs, and the advances of modern medicine and Rojo may very well be feeling great right now. And hey I find it hard not to root for the guy. But for people looking for tips on rooting against the guy, single out his team logo which is HORRIBLE. You can’t get some kinda fancy fuckin’ R thing going in there, Rojo? Rip off the Ruff Ryders. Hell rip off the stupid Rutgers R I don’t give a shit. But just a picture of a stadium? NO.

“OH WISE AND BLESSED SEANSTRADAMUS, WHOM IS ONLY HUMAN AND WAS BOUND TO HAVE A FEW HICCUPS LAST TIME BUT THAT SHOULDN’T AFFECT YOUR ABILITIES TO ACCURATELY PREDICT THE MATCHUPS THIS WEEK AND SHOULDN’T BE HELD AGAINST YOU, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK the Resurgence is going to resurge ever more and handle the difficult (albeit possibly cursed) Barnegat Banana Slugs. And next week the Resurgence is going to succumb to my internet pressures and change that goddamned logo. But back to this week, Resurgence go to 6-2.

2. OceanGate Trout Fishing Club (4-3)

When you have some free time, take a stroll down memory lane and look at all the times that Heroy’s squads have lost in the championship game. It was touched on this week and it’s like 3 or something and I dunno, that just feels sad. And I think he was the 2 seed every time and HERE HE IS sitting pretty (or not so?) at number 2 in the all important power rankings. The Fishing Club has some tremendous talent on both sides of the ball, so to speak. And after a slow start to the year they are playing well, and I dunno maybe they should be taken seriously this year or something. But. MEH.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, team Heroy will play a minor role in a larger story about Connor’s team returning to Terrible Town. I dunno maybe next week things will be more about him. Heroy has only his lack of charisma to blame. Fishing Club goes to 5-3 and starts to DEMAND to be taken seriously.

3. Barnegat Banana Slugs (4-3)

I was very tempted to just write “Runner Up CURSE ™” here and call it a day but Brian deserves better and it’s his birthday and everything (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN) so he will get the hard-hitting analysis he deserves. The Banana Slugs hit the Cuban Missiles hard last week. In the face. And we all know that means far more than just one notch in the win column when it’s a battle between these two bulimics. Jose Bautista and Max Scherzer both gave the Cuban Missiles the business in their respective categories where they might be able to give business. And I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about Trevor Story’s year a bit. But I am very fucking fine with being remiss.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the fantasy baseball gods give zero fucks about whose birthday is when and Brian meets the buzzsaw that is Rojo’s Resurgence. And Brian loses. Runner Up CURSE ™ 4-4 Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ DOES IT AWAKEN?!

4. River City Cuban Missiles (3-2-2)

Our reigning champeens have just kinda been pussyfooting their way through the year, never that good and never that bad. You can maybe say the same thing about every other team BUT MAYBE THIS TEAM SHOULD BE HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD. It’s tempting to say that Lobman is currently more concerned with impressing us all with upgrades to his fucking deck or grill or whatever, but I also feel like it’s probable that there is nothing he is more concerned with in this world than the record of his fantasy baseball team. And that record is as unimpressive as Xander Bogaerts exit velocity (fun fact: Cameron Rupp leads the league in average exit velocity and Bogaerts name does not appear anywhere on that top 40 or whatever list) and as unimpressive as the the rest of the league’s record. Parity’s a bitch.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK , Lobman’s Losers (got em) are going to be losers and lose to my big strong older brother cuz he is like the coolest guy I know and one time back in high school I think he had like 5 chicks in his car and they were all 10s and I swear I saw it with my own two eyes and I am pretty sure he knows karate too and could actually be like a black belt or whatever if he went to all of the classes but he didn’t need to. So yea my brother is cool and Mike Lobman decidedly isn’t cool. And that nerd is going to go to a record of 3-3-2. Like a fucking dork.

5. Point Loma X-Rayz (3-3-1)

Perhaps some of the luster has worn off from the 2-0 start but Odom’s ragtag group of gamers continues to mostly get the job done, and they are thoroughly whooping the ass of this author’s lifeless team so whom am I to even comment on them. A biased individual, that’s whom. In response to PEDee Gordon’s suspension and his own acquisition of no longer minor league eligible minor leaguer Byron Buxton, Odom has gotten creative with his lineups and has plucked many a productive minor league bench bat from the free agent pool. Those moves have allowed him to maximize his ABs in any given week and damned if it hasn’t mostly paid off for the fella. The X-Rayz stumbled a bit upon the loss of their namesake but are showing signs of righting the ship, lead by a “stream a bunch of quality starts” strategy that everyone else should try and emulate. APPARENTLY IT IS THAT EASY.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the X-Rayz shall continue to stream excellent pitching performances because APPARENTLY IT IS THAT EASY. And the MooniniteZ will likely continue to barely have an offensive pulse. And that adds up to an X-Rayz squad moving to 4-3-1.

6. Bad Drake Puns (4-3)

The Bad Drake Puns, a team whose success was once viewed as a sign of the comping apocalypse, continue their long journey to the middle (shouts to Almost Famous, RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman). I don’t really have much else I want to say about them, Altuve is always dangerous and there’s a few pitchers on the BDP that I like but I wouldn’t dare want to engage this team in trade talks. My favorite Bad Drake Pun’s fun fact is that their “first round” draft choice is the Astros 7th inning guy.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the Bad Drake Puns are taking on Greg’s talented squad and all Greg has ever really had to do with that squad is just not fuck it up. And, at least for this week, he is going to not fuck it up. The Puns shall slide back to .500 (4-4) and global warming shall reverse itself ever so slightly. Not enough to the point where your children and future children aren’t still all doomed, we are past the point of no return on that. But sometimes life’s about the moral victories.

7. Pine Lake . (3-4)

Ryan’s decorated franchise feels less decorated at the moment, after becoming the first team to lose to the Bulldogs this year. I tried to warn people previously that the Bulldogs play a mean game of fantasy baseball and so really there should be no shame in such a loss, but Ryan didn’t get the memo and now the Pine Lake People’s Champs have been rebranded the Pine Lake . . The first period is their name and the second period is me ending that sentence. Wanna make that clear. ANYWAYS maybe this is the start of some weird dark phase for Ryan’s squad like when Sting went all weird in WCW; it still hurts too much for me to discuss Prince so I won’t bring up his symbol name thing. Or I dunno maybe this team will be just fine. The pitching staff remains aces.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK Ryan will have less things to brood about as I predict the periods shall bloody (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) the Cuban Missiles and improve to 4-4. It’s possible if I predicted every week I would predict Mike to lose every week. It’s also possible Ryan will win this week, as he is winning currently. Moral of the story is ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE LIFE IS CHAOS.

rafters — Pictured: Ryan right now, maybe.

8. Springfield Isotopes (3-3-1)

In Week 7 the Springfield Isotopes took an ass whoopin’ at the hands of the fisherman’s club up the road from me. In Week 8 they will need to be on their A game to stave off the SCORCHING HOT WHITESTONE BULLDOGS (1 game win streak). The ‘Topes bullpen has shown dominance at times racking up double digit saves with saves to spare on the bench, lead in the saves department by the uber-valuable (for this year only [and probably only closing for another week tops]) Alex Colome and lead in the holds department by the uber-valuable (this year only) David Phelps. The ‘Topes offense has been inconsistent at best. In a way our fair commissioner’s squad serves as a microcosm of the entire league this year, and that microcosm says “who fuckin’ knows man” week after week.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK @T is going to lose to @Cliff, and I assure you these predictions don’t reflect my personal desires so much as they reflect the gift that my experimentations with sleeping pills and psychedelic mushrooms (not ever at the same time, I don’t think) have bestowed upon me. This is just what they tell me people. The Bulldogs are HOT. T’s ‘Topes go to 3-4-1. Note: Seanstradamus doesn’t predict ties cuz Seanstradamus ain’t no bitch (I can see this being a tie though).

9. Main Street MooniniteZ (3-4)

As much as I would like to find some excuse to vaunt my team up these rankings using a convoluted system of silver linings and hypotheticals and what-ifs but FUCK MY TEAM. Votto still looks like some asshole who isn’t Joey Votto and I can’t clear my disabled list of its dead pitchers and dead Peraltas and I don’t even want that many pitchers on the team anymore because THEY ARE ALL DISAPPOINTMENTS. We are a disgrace to the MooniniteZ but very much in line with Main Street, which is a similar sort of disgrace.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the MooniniteZ shall continue to play just a really uninspired fantasy baseball. JUST NO GRIT. I may cut half the fucking team after this one. But anyways yea. Staring 3-5 in its fat fucking face.

10. Whitestone Bulldogs (1-6)

DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL BE IMPRESSED.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, Cliff is gonna do it again. And I will be impressed. Bulldogs go to 2-6.

TAKE US HOME NAS…….

Power Rankings – THE SEAN-STRADAMUS EDITION

May 17, 2016February 18, 2017 mikelobman1 Comment

Nostradamyus — This guy is (marginally) better at predicting things than Sean….

– MY OH MY what a Week 6 we had. As Sean has more than adequately related to you all in the week in review (I’m sure, because I did not read yet), this week was filled with some spirited battles as well as some major league beat downs. Crying MJ’s were given to the losers, and temporary glory to the winners. It is essential that while we do these power rankings, we also address the GLOWING the issue of LAST WEEK’S power rankings, authored by one SEAN E. MCLAUGHLIN. In his always funny, sometimes insulting type of way, he made some prognostications, and let’s just say they didn’t exactly work out the way he had predicted. I will address EACH AND EVERY PREDICTION along with the rankings so everyone can get a good laugh at this dumb bastard. With no further ado, Rankings:

1. River City Cuban Missiles (3-1-2)

Oh hey, first place. Nice to see you again. After a tumultuous first few weeks where pitching stats fluctuated and some key trade pieces remained unproductive, The Missiles (bats) woke up with a key week 6 performance. Whether you want to credit Adam Jones’s 4 bombs, Hanleys +.500 OBP, or Tulo’s re-awakening, The Cubans outlasted a very strong but HORRENDOUSLY managed Mooninitez squad. I will use this time to place myself in first until the inevitable collapse in this week’s championship matchup.

That Prediction?: “the River City Cuban Missiles shall be sent to at truly ridiculous looking 2-2-2 record and the gods shall smile down upon us all.” WELL NOW, that really didn’t happen. (0 for 1)

2. Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (3-3)

Yea, I skipped over the two 4-2 squads. Sure, they’re doing just fine after playing each other, but this is not about them. This is about another really strong week by the Trouts, which we must highlight because this week he’ll probably fall back to earth like the bipolar mess his team is nowadays. He gets the #2 spot because his offense was great and his team was the only under 3.00 ERA this week. Good Job Greg. You’ll most likely blow it in the future, but good job..

That Prediction?: “The FC’s staff is looking less problematic after a solid acquisition of Aaron Sanchez, and with him and Jose Fernandez set to pitch again this weekend I see Heroy winning a tight battle and improving to 3-3. Sad!” FIRST OF ALL, Don’t fucking trade analyze in the Power Rankings, Sean. Also, bad Aaron Sanchez showed up and made a mess of Sunday’s game. BUT HEY nice job in accurately predicting a OG victory! (1 for 2)

3. Rojo’s Resurgence (4-2)

After a week that saw him as the #1 spot on the rankings, the Resurgence ?de-surged? and lost badly to the other upstart team in the league, Drakepuns. ROJO, DON’T LOSE TO BAD DRAKEPUNS CMON. I suppose it was closer than that 9-2 score looks, but you go down to 3^rd for that bad loss. On the bright side, you tied for most doubles, so that’s like something I guess.

That Prediction?: “Rojo goes to 5-1, Rojo’s Resurgence continues to be the 2nd hottest ticket in town (after that Hamilton rap thingie).” SPOILER ALERT: Hamilton dies. And eventually people will lose interest in Rap Opera plays maybe. Also Sean was WRONG. (1 for 3).

4. Bad Drakepuns (4-2)

The league’s collective least favorite team (we’ve polled the audience) takes down everyone’s favorite plucky underdog (my guess), yet still gets a spot below Rojo because GUESS WHAT I like Rojo much more. That being said, the ‘Puns put it together this week, and that should be commended. Also, I couldn’t put a 4-2 team less than the 4^th spot. So yea.

That Prediction?: ”That piece of shit and his piece of shit team go to 3-3.” Well that’s obviously not what happened. I do agree with the first 2 parts of this BUT I give no half points for correctness. (1 for 4)

Main Street Mooninitez 5. Springfield Isotopes (3-2-1)

Guys, did you know that The Topes get a lot of saves? Well if you follow the chat like SO MANY of us do, you would know that The Tops get a lot of saves. Also, Miguel Cabrera hit a wall scraping homer the other night. Also, The Topes withstood 2 unbelievable pitching performances from the Sale/Kershaw duo to pull off a rather impressive victory. It will be very interesting to see if this team could carry this momentum going forward to complete an improbable run to the playoffs, but for now this was a very strong win.

That Prediction?: “and then NEXT WEEK he’s gonna wake up on Monday morning and wonder where it all went wrong. Ryan’s team storms back, T’s ‘Topes go to 2-3-1.” Well, Sean, it looks as tho Sassy T woke up a winner. Good for him and bad for Sean (1 for 5, SAD!)

Main Street Mooninitez 6. Pine Lake People’s Champs (3-3)

Well, in a season where everyone’s basically .500, there’s a pretty good chance that one (BAD) loss will take you from #2 all the way to #6. Especially when two different people do the rankings. Listen, I love Ryan. He’s like one of my favorite people, but you CAN’T lose to The Topes! I think even he would understand this tumble down in the rankings. That being said, GOD DAMN those 2 pitchers Kershaw and Sale are just really good. Also, Yelich is quite a little player. That’s all I got for positivity this week.

That Prediction?: “The People’s Champs shall start their comeback on this very day and by Sunday’s end they shall be 4-2.” Guys, I know this is gonna sound repetitive, but WRONG AGAIN, SEAN. That People’s Champs comeback will have to wait until Week 7, where he will possibly be 4-3 (Maybe). (1 for 6)

Main Street Mooninitez 7. Barnegat Banana Slugs (3-3)

Maybe probably, The Slugs should be slightly higher on this list. The problem is they played the hapless Bulldogs, who are now staring down the barrel of a winless season. But this isn’t about the Bulldogs, let’s talk about the Slugs and the Runner Up Curse ™. Its still there, no matter what happens this week coming up against the Missiles. The Curse will not be broken (or maybe it will I don’t know). Either way, the Runner Up Curse ™ keeps the Banana Slugs all sorts of yellow and sad and out of the top 6 of the Power Rankings.

That Prediction?: “So while I fully acknowledge that losing to the winless Bulldogs meshes well with the Runner Up CURSE ™, I feel the curse is going to be a bit less obvious about things and so for now Brian wins again. Banana Slugs find themselves at .500” Praise Baby JESUS, as Sean gets another one right! Basically everything that was said is SPOT. ON. Correct, as the Runner Up Curse ™ works in really hilarious ways. BE AWARE of the setup Brian. The Curse ™ takes no prisoners. (2 for 7)

Main Street Mooninitez 8. Point Loma X-Rays (2-3-1)

Well, I guess in all actuality they didn’t have a bad week all total, as the X-Rays ran into a strong Fishing Club. I could make a joke that the Fishing Club caught and killed a Ray, but I’m not gonna do that here, so I’ll just say that despite losing, the only West Coast squad is still only 1.5 games out of first even in 9^th place. Which is something. Lets just hope for better days for one of the Mikes, maybe even this week against The Drakepuns.

That Prediction?: “THIS WEEK I can’t shake the feeling that the X-Rayz shall be deterred by the Fishing Club. Something about the X-Rayz pitching woes of late and the Fishing Club’s pitching matchups has me seeing a future where the X-Rayz find themselves at (2-3-1). Not that this is much of a hole in our current season. This year everyone is pretty much .500, pretty much all of the time.” This one was so overly wordy, I had to include the whole thing. It wasn’t a good write-up anyways, as it really gave you no useful information. But yeaaaaa he got that prediction right there, so good job Sean (3 for 8)

Main Street Mooninitez 9. Whitestone Bulldogs (0-6)

OH, so this is where you thought you’d see the Mooninitez after all the teasing? NAH, I got the balls to put that BITCH dead fucking last. There really is nothing good to say about the Bulldogs, who have a lovely human being as an owner. Oooh I found something nice to say. Anyways, Things don’t look all that promising for him this week against the People’s Champs, but I GUESS he will win at some point soon.

That Prediction?: “Until Cliff shows that he can do the opposite of losing I will have to predict losing. Bulldogs end up at 0-6.” Basically, This. (4 for 9)

10. Main Street Mooninitez (3-3)

Yea, you wanna put the Missiles at #9? Well, when you lose after that lowlife white trash move, you get the 10 spot. I care NOT for the little fact that Sean’s Moon men are actually pretty good, and the fact that he MAY be in the top 4 if he weren’t such a pompous dickhead. In fact, no, his team and his choice in lifestyle are total garbage. And his predictions. I’m not sure I’ve made this clear enough yet, but he did a bad job with his predictions. His team is fine, outside of some bad pitching, but pretty much every team had some shit pitching. The real issue here is Sean’s mouth. Don’t make checks that Kevin Gausman’s wildly inconsistent right arm couldn’t cash!

That Prediction?: “But when it’s all said and done, fuck Lobman and these are my power rankings and fuck Lobman a second time. Right in his slimmed down face. MooniniteZ win, MooniniteZ go to 4-2, there shall be peace in Israel.” With predictions like that, there will NEVER be peace in Israel. (4 for 10, YOU LOST)

So, to sum it all up, Sean’s bad at predicting things. SEE YOU ALL WEEK 7!

FUCK EVERYTHING – A Week 6 Review

May 16, 2016February 18, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

1809489008_8c96ed8a3a — Pictured: Fuck Xander Bogaerts (stupid name), fuck Boston, and fuck you.

RAAAAAAGE. This will be a slightly rage-filled review, as all of the matchups I predicted that meant the most to my ❤ turned out to be wrong. And this means Lobman Mikey T and Connor all won in Week 6. Bad news for everybody. I predicted Odom would lose and was correct but that gave me no pleasure, I WAS MERELY TRYING TO PREDICT MY GOODEST. The good news of course is everyone is still one jumbled mess of .500 or mostly .500. So either a few teams put together a few win streaks and really get some breathing room or everybody just stays here all year and the ESPN tiebreaker system chokes to death on its own confusion.

But that is for later. For now on to the review, in which I will possibly be mean but definitely won’t hide behind a “disclaimer” beforehand….

d9c763b8a0f4da247dfd070ad3fea625 — Pictured: Gahhhh what the fuck.

Barnegat Banana Slugs EUTHANIZE AN ALREADY DEAD Whitestone Bulldogs – 13-1-0

MVP: Max Scherzer – I mean I could have given this to Trevor Story or something but WHAT can really be said about that guy that Brian hasn’t already said 60 times. Nothing, that’s what. Meanwhile Mad Max threw a complete game NON SHUTOUT and struck out 20 fellas in that game. That’s a large number!

LVP: Michael Brantley’s Surgeon – Fuckin’ guy just ended up rightttt back on the DL. Someone should lose a medical license over this.

In last week’s largest landslide, the landslugs landed a loud victory over the loser buLLLLLLdogs. I don’t know what the fuck I was going for there but yes, this one wasn’t particularly close. In addition to the Scherzer CG Brian somehow got a second CG, of the shutout variety, from Matt fuckin’ Andriese. News to this guy. Elsewhere in Slugs pitching staff news, Aaron Nola continues to look really really really good and so does Arrieta, but at this point talking about Arrieta is boring. and so I shall not. In the bullpen department the Slugs took advantage of an Orioles win streak to grab 3 saves from a one Zach Britton. On the batting side of things, Trevor The NeverEndingStory (EAT IT BERMAN) just kept kicking ass somehow. 5 doubles a triple a steal and a .370 OBP. And speaking of steals, somehow David Ortiz had one (in addition to a .462 OBP, 4 doubles and a HR) and I will need to review the tape if I ever care to figure out how that happened. And I do not care. Lastly but not leastly Adam Eaton (.467 OBP, 1 double 1 triple 1 HR 6 runs scored), a guy I traded to Brian for a guy currently playing in Round Rock, he is having a nice little year. I do not want to talk about this not even a little bit.

On Cliff’s side, CLIFF LOST AGAIN. And since I wasted all those words on the Banana Slugs to appease Brian’s insecurities now I don’t feel like I have time for any words for Cliff. I guess I will just say that the Mets must have not been great last week.

Next Week: The Runner Up Curse ™ holder Barnegat Banana Slugs take on The Runner Up Curse ™ trademarker Mike Lobman and his Cuban Missiles. Tune into the chat at some point this week to catch our two most sensitive owners passive aggressively complimenting each other’s team performance. MUST SEE STUFF. Also the Bulldogs take on the People’s Champs. Good for Ryan (probably).

MLB: SEP 07 Giants at Tigers — Pictured: ANYONE other than Altuve cuz I am tired of that fucking guy. And look at JD Martinez’s dumb face here

Bad Drake Puns have a “Successful” week (hate myself) against Rojo’s Resurgence, win – 9-2-3

MVP: Jose Altuve – Honestly it’s probably fucking Altuve, it’s probably always Altuve when Connor’s team wins. 7 runs 3 doubles 4 RBIs 2 steals .486 OBP. This guy….

LVP: Yankees Starting Pitching – Severino gave up 7 runs in 2.2 innings and then hit the DL in order to save face. Tanaka gave up 10 runs in 12 innings. GREAT CONTRIBUTIONS MEN.

A sad week for fans of the Resurgence, of which I am, as they lost to Connor’s team and its total fan base of ZERO. Fuckin’ Altuve, man. And what’s worse is last week Jonathan Villar, a player who needs to move out of Orlando Arcia’s way, did anything but move out of Orlando Arcia’s way and ended up with an Altuve-esque .485 OBP and 3 steals. Sickening. The Bad Drake Puns got multi-HR efforts from JD Martinez (3), Trumbo, Pujols, and Lucroy and generally just rode those efforts and solid pitching to the win. cuz OH, Rojo’s pitching was bad. Aside from those excellent Yankee performances Rojo was also saddled with horrible efforts (on a scale from least horrible to most horrible) from Kluber, Steven Wright, and Chris Devenski. That last one being entirely on Rojo as nearly nobody should be started against those fackin’ sawks right now. On the bright side uhhh, Nelson Cruz? Nelson Cruz hit 2 HRs. Nobody amongst the Resurgence offense played especially well but THESE THINGS HAPPEN SMALL SAMPLE SIZE AND ALL THE RESURGENCE WILL BE BACK STRONG NEXT WEEK.

Next Week: Well shit, never mind because the Resurgence play the MooniniteZ in Week 7. So fuck that, have another terrible week. Have a worse one, even. Also in Week 7 Connor takes on Odom’s X-Rayz. I trust that Odom still remembers his first playoff loss and shall respond accordingly. Terminate with extreme prejudice.

482josefernandezshoulder — Pictured: Energy Drink Salesman Jose Fernandez

OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Put A Hook Through the Face of the Point Loma X-Rayz – 8-3-3

MVP: Jose Fernandez – In a close pitching matchup JoFer’s two start week made QUITE the difference. 1 ER in 14 innings, 22 Ks, 2 wins 2 quality starts (obvi).

LVP: Not David Price for once – So that leaves Kevin Pillar. He was 2-20 with one walk and ZERO counting stats. Not cool, Kev.

This matchup was WICKED CLOSE heading into Sunday but not even all the Sawks in Bahsten could save Odom’s squad from a tough loss. For example, Kimbrel pitched 4 innings last week and only had one save to show for it. And I mean, that’s just one example. On the bright side David Price pitched a 12 K gem. On the dark side Odom’s offense couldn’t keep pace with the Fishing Club, making narrow losses in the pitching categories too much to overcome. Heroy’s staff pitched to a solid 2.99 ERA backed by two absolute beauts from Jose Fernandez, and his bullpen managed to out-bullpen noted bullpen expert Mike Odom’s bullpen. On offense the Fishing Club’s power was prodigious, resulting in 13 HR (21 to 8) and 24 RBI (65 to 41) victories. Which are nothing to sneeze at. Heroy’s squad also put up a .373 OBP. Just tough tough numbers to complete against, and Odom mostly has Corey Seager and Todd Frazier to blame. Each had 4 HRs a piece, Seager with a .407 OBP and Frazier with an insane .556 OBP. Fuckin’ yikes. I guess maybe I should have given him MVP for the week but can’t change the past now can we. The brightest star in the X-Rayz offense’s sky was probably Travis Shaw, whom contributed a .515 OBP of his own (5 doubles, 2 HRs, 9 RBIs, 9 runs). The X-Rayz had not enough of those kinds of high power high OBP performances, and so they lost 4 of the 7 offensive categories (and tied in triples), and so that is the anatomy of this particular matchup.

Next Week: Heroy takes on childhood friend turned metrosexual fake New Yorker Mikey T, while Mitch Odom seeks to avenge three-peat champions from years past in a matchup against the surprisingly tough BDPs (NBD Odom’s got this).

427kungserious — Pictured: The ruthless Supreme Commander of North Korea. (jk I love me some Jung Ho it’s just a bitter Monday and all)

MVP: Lorenzo Cain – No doubt inspired by the return of Jung Ho Kang, Lorenzo Cain woke the fuck up. 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, 2 steals, .444 OBP. Great week from an underrated player – Basically what you get when you play Cincy and Colorado in a 7 day week. Good times.

LVP: Justin Upton – SCUFFLIN’. Somehow I think BJ Melvin is the better Upton brother once again. Little brother Justin went 3-17 with 2 doubles last week, and that’s pretty much it. No RBIs, .222 OBP.

Welllll shit, don’t look now but Mikey T’s ‘Topes have a 3 week win streak on their hands thanks in part to a bullpen putting up some big numbers. This was the 3rd different matchup that really came down to Sunday, and in the end the Isotopes prevailed. PRIOR TO SUNDAY plugging in Fernando Rodney for a Padres doubleheader broke beautifully for Mikey T, as Rodney kinda shockingly picked up saves in both games against the Cubs on Wednesday. Mikey T mixed and matched his way into another 6 saves in the week, even while leaving another 2-3 saves on the bench while he was getting cute. Getting cute got the job done however, as Mikey T was able to win Ks and the bullpen categories despite losing in ERA and every other pitching category that caters to starters (wins, QS, CGs). On the hitting side of this particular matchup, most categories stayed relatively close and yet most ended up in T’s favor. Very strong weeks by Chris Davis (4 doubles, 1 HR, .600 OBP), Longo (4 doubles 2 HRs), LoCain (see above you dick), and KANNNNNGGGG (2 HRs, .421 OBP) helped Mikey T accomplish this feat. Strong weeks by Jackie Bradley Jr. (2 doubles 2 HRs .458 OBP), George Springer (.444 OBP, 1 double 3 HRs), Carlos Correa (2 HRs) and Nick Castellanos STILL (2HRs) helped Ryan’s People’s Champs uhhhh, lose those categories by smaller margins. As Sunday goes so often goes the week, and Sunday went to the Springfield Isotopes. Sad!

Next Week: The Springfield Isotopes return to OceanGate to take on Heroy’s Fishing Club, but THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL. Heroy won’t give a shit what bus you are trying to catch this week, but you can catch an ass whoopin’. Is something Heroy might say to Mikey T. Meanwhile Ryan takes on the win-less Bulldogs. At this point nobody wants to be the first loss to Cliff, and that team isn’t to be taken lightly solely based off its record, so this may be equal parts blessing and curse.

THE OLIVERIE FUNERAL HOME’S SLOW DRAWN OUT DEATH OF THE WEEK

Note: There is no difference because there is no God, no afterlife, and no salvation. Only meaningless existence and certain death and eternal blackness.

147nh4 — GIF’d!: The only time I have ever liked Rougned Odor.

The Main Street MooniniteZ Succumb to Bone Cancer in a loss to FUCKING Mike Leake (and also the River City Cuban Missiles) – 6-5-3

MVP: Mike MOTHERFUCKIN Leake – Bogaerts and Adam Jones were all the fuck over me this week but MVP goes to MIKE LEAKE and his wildly unimpressive quality start, for that completely underwhelming performance was what cost me the matchup. He had 3 Ks and gave up a run and was oh so very efficient in his pitch count but fucking Matheny pulled him anyways. le sigh.

LVP: MLB Pitching. Alllll of the pitching. Also Joey Votto – This was an ugly pitching matchup. Also Joey Votto forever until he has a week that one might possibly be able to describe as impressive (I was not impressed).

And soooo we arrive, at our illustrious Game Of The Week, yet again a game that came down to the horror show that is the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball broadcast. Not to get all sexist but the lady girl was talking about lefties pitching to lefties and discussing her softball career and how she was pitched to. Sooooo. BUT BACK TO MY NIGHTMARE HERE. Naturally I left a triple on my bench, naturally Gausman shit the bed against the Tigers when I really needed a QS earlier, naturally Lobman was utilizing my pitching nemesis Mike Leake. And so a QS would get Lobman a win so long as I got neither triple nor save, and so Leake pitches a QS and Cardinals hitters barely miss 2-3 potential triples and Puig barely misses a 3 run HR that would have blown the Leake QS/the game open and WHAT YOU ARE LEFT WITH is a win for the Cuban Missiles and another bitter loss in a season full of them for the MooniniteZ (well I’m gonna say like 2 out of 3 felt bitter). I’m not even going to discuss the pitching in this matchup, we were battling to tie with 5 QS out of 12 and all. On the hitting side of things, again Bogaerts and Adam Jones were murder for Lobman. 15 hits for Bogaerts (3 doubles, 2 HRs, 8 RBIs, .472 OBP) and 13 for Jones (2 doubles, 4 HRs, 9 RBIs, .556 OBP). Troy Tulowitski also hit 3 HRs and 3 doubles, which is terrible cuz he is terrible. The Cuban Missiles finished the week with 20 HRs and a .379 OBP, which is very good and made the 15 HRs and .359 OBP of the MooniniteZ look not really good in comparison. Which is a shame cuz they are also very good. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Zobrist (3HRs, .625 OBP) and Addi Russell (2 doubles 1 triple 2 HRs .450 OBP) and Carpenter (4 HRs) were very good but NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And so fuck everything.

Next Week: The MooniniteZ will attempt to turn their heart off in a matchup against their Rojo’s beloved Resurgence, while Lobman’s Cuban Missiles will seek to avoid a crisis of a loss to friendly foe Brian and his Banana Slugs. SO MANY EMOTIONS!

On to Week 7. There are no easy weeks don’t let Cliff’s record fool you. BEST OF LUCK TO EVERYONE OR WHATEVER…

Power Rankings — Post-Week 5 for Fighting Edition (so like, Week 6)

May 12, 2016February 18, 2017 AnActualBearLeave a comment

da4c1bdd29116552e379f002fa33fa1e — Lobman sings this lyric, with tears streaming down his slimmed down face, every time his team loses a matchup. And he should get his voice warmed up and he should put on his waterproof mascara.

– Well, I’m not sorry people. Because this isn’t at all my fault, because I have a VERY CLEAR VISION in my head of our weekly Power Rankings being released to our throng of readers the day after the previous week’s review and when the previous week reviewer takes his sweet fucking time like this you don’t get Power Rankings til Thursday. Ideally these would come on Tuesday. In a perfect world. *stares sadly into the distance*

but ANYWHO Mike’s fuckup does have one advantage, in that now I am releasing this list deep enough into Week 6 I feel free to wildly speculate on the winners of this week’s matchups and let that influence my scientific and rigorously determined rankings. Let’s get to those things:

~~The Contenders~~ this is stupid and there is no such thing as contenders in Week 6…

REGULAR OLE’ LIST FORMAT LET’S DO IT

Rojo’s Resurgence (4-1)

Everyone loves a redemption story and Rojo’s ever-rebuilding franchise has been just that this year, rising from its ashes in a manner not unlike Rojo’s once broken body now being uhhh, less broken. I’m not feeling big on actual analysis for this. Uhhhhhh Brandon Drury has been a real nice find. THERE.