REVIEWS!!!!!  REMEMBER REVIEWS?!  Let’s do one of those….. 

MVP:  Mike Trout– I GUESS Mike Trout gets this, more or less by default.  But let the record show that I expect a lot from that guy so this kinda week should be like his floor.  12/29, 6 runs 1 triple 2HRs 5RBIs .452 OBP.

LVP:  Salvador Perez – Not what you want out of your catcher position in any given week.  A position that nobody wants much from to begin with.  2/17, 1 run 1 double 1RBI .200 OBP.

WHAT can be said here really.  Cliff and his Bulldogs continue to lose matchups despite somewhat decent counting stats, and Heroy’s Fishing Club continues to win matchups despite Heroy being at the helm.  The Fishing Club pitched to a 5.60 ERA despite a solid 81 Ks and an equally solid 8 saves (zero holds, YOU’VE CHANGED HEROY).  Jose Fernandez had a heavy hand in the Ks but no hand in the terrible ERA.  Trout technically gets MVP for the week even though for a Trout week that was kinda MEH.  15 HRs and a .361 team OBP for Team Heroy simply too much for Team Cliff, they put up a still respectable 13 HRs and .333 OBP.  Andrew McCutchen hit 2HRs while still kinda sucking but it’s only fun to talk about that in weeks where Heroy loses.  So let’s move on.

Next Week aka This Week:  Heroy v. Lobman (INTERESTING MATCHUP), Cliff v. Connor (OUR BI-ANNUAL WHO GIVES A SHIT MATCHUP).

Pine Lake Jumpmen SHUT DOWN THE CLUB (Club Bad Drake Puns, that is) –  9-5-0

MVP: Carlos Correa – I think the picture caption already said more than enough about this guy.  8/24, 6 runs 4 doubles 3HRs 9RBIs .407 OBP.

LVP:  Drew Smyly – There was once a time when the only thing stopping me from trying to trade for this guy was my desire to not trade with Connor.  Now his stats are also stopping me.  12 IP 12 ER  no QS no Ws FIGURE OUT THE ERA FOR YOURSELVES.

In the week’s other matchup involving a league outsider whom is only in the league to highlight our alarmingly whittled down circle of friends, that outsider lost to Ryan.  I think that was a good sentence.  ANYWHO, despite the 9-5 final score this matchup was horrifically close in pretty much every category except, like, doubles and holds.  Ryan won wins, saves, quality starts, and triples by 1 each, runs by 3, RBIs by 2, and edged out an ERA victory 4.13 to 4.44.  So really what I am trying to get across here is we are all blessed to have had Connor lose last week, assuming we are all in agreement that we like Connor losing.  I KNOW I DO.  Correa, Ozuna (3HRs), and Upton (2HRs 2SBs) deserve our gratitude.  Semien (2HRs 7RBIs .440 OBP), and Altuve (always Altuve, 3HRs 5RBIs .444 OBP) turned in solid efforts in defeat.  Pitching on both sides was good not great AND I ONLY DISCUSS GREATNESS HERE.  Well Sale (15IP 3ER 16Ks 2Ws 2QS) was pretty great in 2 starts for the Jumpmen.  Smyly was pretty terrible in 2 starts for the Bad Drake Puns.  For the sake of simplicity lets call that the difference.

Next Week aka This Week:  Ryan’s Jumpmens v. My MooniniteZ (BROTHERLY BLOOD FEUD THAT IS ACTUALLY RATHER CIVIL), Connor v. Cliff (SEE ABOVE FOR NOTE ABOUT NOT GIVING A SHIT).

MVP: Charlie Blackmon – THE BLACKMON IS BACK MON.  I mean kinda, he doesn’t really steal bases anymore.  If you enjoyed that joke I will be setting up a PayPal account for tips.  14/33, 9 runs 1 double 5HRs 9RBIs .472 OBP.

LVP:  Nomar Mazara – Could have just given this to Lobman himself again but I wanted to highlight that Mazara doesn’t really doooo anything anymore.  He had like 3 runs and an RBI BUT WHERE ARE THE EXTRA BASE HITS NOMAR?

In a battle between two people named Mike whom I prefer to address by their last name, Mike O defeated Mike L.  Surely this really chapped Mike L’s ass but HE HAS ONLY HIMSELF TO BLAME.  One does not just tinker with a championship roster and expect no consequences.  And that tinkered with roster managed to lose 8 categories to the ever-tinkering Mike Odom and his X-Rayz, a lot of them by decent margins despite this matchup staying close through a good portion of Sunday.  X-Rayz fans may mark Week 12 as a fundamental change in the roster construction, as Odom pledged to introduce more power in the lineup and ended up posting its best power numbers of the season (14 HRs, 52 RBIs).  I don’t know where we stand on triples as a power category but the X-Rayz usually have their fair share of those as a function of their speed, and add 5 more to the tally.  Blackmon, Justin Bour (3 HRs 9RBIs), and Tim fucking Anderson somehow (3HRs) keyed the power surge for the X-Rayz and helped the X-Rayz capture the runs and RBIs cats.  Though to be fair Lobman technically tied in HRs, helped by 3HRs from that fucking bum Hanley Ramirez and 2 a piece from Giancarlo Stanton, Tulo, and Adam Jones.  Tying Odom’s team in HRs signals trouble however, and TROUBLE IT WAS.  I don’t even want to talk about the pitching, both teams kinda sucked.  The Cuban Missiles won ERA 4.93 to 5.38 for example.  The Cuban Missiles also had 7 saves, IMPRESSIVE considering they traded Freddie fucking Freeman for Trevor goddamn Rosenthal and the latter sucks and is now out of the closing gig.  As always, who cares fuck Mike.  #WCFM

Next Week aka This Week:  Odom’s X-Rayz v. Rojo’s Resurgence (SOMEHOW FIRST PLACE IS ON THE LINE HERE), Missiles v. Fishing Club fishermen people (I GUESS THIS MATCHUP STILL FEELS AT LEAST VAGUELY INTERESTING).

Main Street MooniniteZ Salt Da Slugs – 7-4-3

MVP:  Matt Carpenter – Matty Carpenter is heating up, folks.  Absolutely not available via trade.  7/24, 7 runs 2 doubles 1 triple 3HRs 5RBIs .414 OBP.

LVP:  Brian’s Pitching Staff – But more importantly Brian’s complaining.  “Wahhhhhh my good pitchers don’t throw quality starts every single time they pitch wahhhhhhh”.  That is you Brian.  That is how you sound.

The Runner Up Curse ™?  I am contractually obligated to bring that up at least once when discussing the Banana Slugs, win lose or draw.  And now that it’s out of the way, lets keep minorly hinting at it.  A truly CURSED week from the Banana Slugs pitching staff allowed the MooniniteZ to steal a few categories despite an up and down performance from their retooled rotation.  Winning quality starts 6-5 and wins 3-2 is nothing to write home about, but this team owner STANDS BEHIND his strong 88 Ks and 3.45 ERA.  that ERA could have been a full 2 runs higher and still held against Brian’s plagued pitching staff, although the Slugs can take solace in a balanced RP performance that garnered 4 saves and 5 holds.  5 holds ain’t bad!  On offense the hexed hitters of the Banana Slugs had a down week if one is able to look past the .380 OBP (and the 53 runs.  and the 18 doubles.  those numbers ain’t bad.  A mere 9HRs and 29RBIs was not the production Brian was starting to feel like he was accustomed to.  Perhaps he will blame injuries.  Perhaps it was a cursed comeuppance.  Matt Carpenter and Aledmys Diaz (3 doubles, 2 HRs, 8RBIs, .586 OBP) care not for these excuses.  Everyone pray for Aledmys Diaz’s beautiful face.

Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. Jumpmen (WE ARE RELATED), Slugs v. ‘Topes (THEY AREN’T RELATED BUT BOTH SHARE A LOVE OF FASHIONABLE NECKWEAR).

THE GLAAD [CONSENSUAL!] ANAL PLOWING OF THE WEEK

Springield Isotopes Make Both Love and War on Rojo’s Resurgence, Win – 7-5-2

MVP:  Trevor Bauer – T’s ‘Topes won quality starts by 1 QS and Trevor’s CG was the qualitiest of the QS.  10 K CG (1 ER), that was also a win.  Which should be obvious.

LVP:  The Resurgence Bullpen – I know that when one loses to Mikey T one must think “SOMEONE MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!” (well I beat Mikey T twice this year so I don’t really KNOW know but I can assume).  But in this case it was really Rojo’s bullpen collectively giving up a bunch of runs and sodomizing his ERA (lotta sodomy going around in this GOTW).  I tallied the numbers, sorta, and it was like TWENTY SIX earned runs given up by the bullpen.  In 28.2 innings or some shit.

In a show of solidarity with the gay community, the Springfield Isotopes did gay stuff on Rojo’s Resurgence.  In a matchup where Rojo is probably feeling most violated by his own bullpen, the Isotopes did just enough and the Resurgence did just a little less.  The plethora of runs allowed by the Resurgence bullpen allowed T’s ‘Topes to win ERA despite an ugly 4.78 ERA, and a narrow OBP edge prior to the Sunday night game (.337 to .334) allowed T to sit Jung Hooooooo and with him sit down any chance of the Resurgence escaping a bad week with a tie.  And it was a bad week, single digit HRs and doubles and a paltry 36 runs that actually bested a paltrier (hideous word) 30 runs from the Springfield Isotopes.  You may surmise from my tone here that I am being unnecessarily harsh on the ‘Topes in an attempt to discredit their victory and you would be right, because 30 runs and 30 RBIs would be the lowest outputs week-wide if not for the Banana Slugs 29 RBI team performance and because I like rooting against Mikey T for the fuck of it.  If you want to commend the mighty 11 HRs of the Isotopes, credit is due to the 3 ‘Topes batters that mustered 2 HRs a piece (Jung Hooooo, Miggy, and Chris Davis).  If you want to commend any hitters on the Resurgence YOU SHOULDN’T BECAUSE THEY LOST TO A SINKING ISOTOPES SQUAD.  But Nelson Cruz had a nice week (3HRs 5RBIs) and is in fact having a nice season and I miss him.  On the pitching side of the coin shame goes to the Resurgence bullpen and to one of Cueto’s 2 starts, which one I don’t care to look up.  Steven Wright continues to be good and that continues to annoy me (13.2 IP 3 ER 10Ks 1QS).  On the flip side of that coin the Isotopes got the standard good Jon Lester start (7IP 7Ks 1QS) and an EXCELLENT Trevor Bauer CG spot start.  Those that like to boo the commissioner just for the fuck of it can take solace in the fact that Trevor Bauer was dropped before that start even began and now resides with Mikey T’s Week 13 opponent.

Next Week aka This Week:  ‘Topes v. Slugs (BOW TIES VERSUS NECK TIES, I AM TEAM TIE BAR), Resurgence v. X-Rayz (TWO TEAMS WE ALL PROBABLY STILL DON’T TAKE SERIOUSLY BATTLING FOR FIRST PLACE).

WE ARE AT WEEK 13.  EVERYONE SHOULD BE IN REBUILD MODE…

Before we get to this review, we need to talk about how good of a job Seanstradamus did this time around.  Mostly because Seanstradamus needs to fucking retire.  But he shall do so (relatively) ON TOP, picking four of the five matchups correctly in Week 8 and only being let down by Heroy.  Which is something other people in Heroy’s life probably could have warned Seanstradamus to expect.  Seanstradamus regrets ever trusting Heroy and will never do so again.  

So yes, 4 outta 5 matchups.  SWEET SWEET REDEMPTION/RETIREMENT.  I am out of the prognostication business.  On to the review….

MVP:  Jose Ramirez – Rich Hill also had a fine week but putting Jose Ramirez here REALLY puts things in perspective, if you ask me.  And sadly this fuckin’ guy had a .500 OBP and 2 doubles and 2 steals and 2HRs and 4RBIs and 7 runs.  Jose Ramirez.  THE Jose Ramirez.  On the Indians.

LVP:  Vinny from Philly/My Entire Offense – The entire offense was terrible, I don’t want to single out just one.  But I can single out Vinny Velasquez, who had two non-ideal matchups and responded non-ideally.  8.2 innings, 10 earned runs, 8 Ks.  I forgive you Vincent, I am not mad I am just disappointed.

Let’s get this one out of the way early FUCKING SHALL WE?  Don’t let the not-terribly close final score fool you, this one was even less close than that.  Was Odom’s offense impressive?  No not really.  Did Sean’s offense fail to hit a HR until like Friday?  I believe that was how it shook out, yes.  Will this affect Odom/Sean’s friendship?  NO KEEP DREAMING.  Sentient marshmallow Jose Ramirez had a pretty good week, and apparently is having a pretty good season, but on the hitting side this week was more about what the MooniniteZ hitters didn’t do than anything anyone did…..do.  Yea.  The MooniniteZ bats weren’t shit in Week 8.  On the pitching side is where things have been interesting for at least one of these teams, as Odom continues to work some sort of voodoo magic with beautiful streaming efficiency.  What I mean by that strange phrase is that the X-Rayz are really only keeping like 4 starters and really only like 1.5 of them are pitching particularly well, and yet a deft touch on the streaming front allowed them to rack up 94Ks 10QS and a 3.10 ERA in Week 8.  Jeremy Hellickson and Pat fucking Dean each twirled 7 inning gems, and impressive sophmore pitcher Rich Hill continues to dominate OH WAIT HE IS LIKE 40 YEARS OLD (14.1 IP, 15Ks 2QS 2Ws).  Fuck that guy with a spiky one.  For a look at pitching gone wrong one needs only to look at the MooniniteZ, whom continue to work around pitcher injuries with little to none success.  LITTLE TO NONE.  In Week 8 it was 3 quality starts and a 5.09 ERA.  I continue to set the league floor for quality starts and continue to pick up pitchers that serve up walks like Odom serves up fish tacos.  I still

Next Week: The Point Loma X-Rayz will look to keep up the winning ways and will take all the help they can get from The Runner Up Curse ™ when they take on the Barnegat Banana Slugs.  The MooniniteZ will take their ALL TIME LOW CONFIDENCE out for a stroll in Ocean Gate when they take on the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club.  Note:  Nobody should ever live/take walks in Ocean Gate.  I say this having never been there and refusing to ever go there.  Suck it Heroy.

Rojo’s Resurgence Tear The Barnegat Banana Slugs A Third Asshole –  11-3-0

MVP: Johnny Cueto – Those looking for a “heeeeeres Johnny” line can LOOK ELSEWHERE.  But yea here he is, he seems more comfortable in the NL.  A Monday CG set the tone and he followed it up with another QS/W to boot. (15IP, 1ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 2W, 1CG).

LVP:  Max Scherzer – When a guy usually goes out there and dominate hitters and then goes out there and does the opposite of that it just seems cruel, and so this is what you get for your cruelness Max.  He gave up 5ER in 7IP and that line makes me want to puke and Brian should trade him while he still can.  For Melvin Upton.

Brian was prettttty pessimistic about this one from the very get-go and that turned out to be a wise way to cope with pain, which is always something Brian has excelled it (see:  his poetry, any of the Green Pennies songs about broads, etc).  Rojo kinda handed Brian his soon-to-be-operated on ass in Week 8 and the Resurgence continues ladies and gentlemen.  It is a testament to the BALANCED ATTACK of the Resurgence that nobody really stands out to me here, aside from Johnny’s gems.  He got 14 HRs with only 3 hitters having more than one (Beltre, Kemp, and BRANDON GUYER all with 2), he got 7 steals from SOMEWHERE, and he got 95Ks and 10Ws from a pitching staff that just went out there and did their gotdamned job (except for that Hills Have Eyes extra Julio Urias).  Evidently Steven Wright is legit and this also makes me sick and Tim Wakefield must be spinning in his grave.  Oh Gio Gonzalez got absolutely shelled though.  Just noted that.  Because I do my homework for these things.  On the Banana Slugs side, it was an okay week when “okay” just would not do.  David Ortiz certainly did his best and was better than okay (4 doubles, 2HRs, 9RBIs, fuckin .526 OBP) as did StarMar, the guy everyone will keep sending Brian trade offers for even if Brian swears on the lives of his children he will never trade him.  That guy had 5 steals in Week 8, and so hey the Banana Slugs won the steals category.  They only won 2 other categories and then lost the remaining 11. The Runner Up Curse ™?

Next Week:  Rojo’s Resurgence take on a fucking punctuation mark THE JUMPMEN! when they head to Pine Lake in what would be a battle of the Ryans if we allowed Rojo to keep his birth name.  But, we didn’t.  Is it ever a good move to change your team name/logo midseason?  WE WILL FIND OUT.  Worked for Odom/Me a few times.  Andddd, Brian is likely wearing a maxi pad as we speak.  Also he takes on Odom’s team as I previously mentioned.  I would say more but I don’t want to take the focus away from the maxi pad.

Pine Lake (Periods?!) End The Sentence Of The River City Cuban Missiles (that was a reach and a swing and a miss and I apologize) JUMPMEN LEAP OVER THE CUBAN MISSILES (beautiful)– 9-5-0

MVP: Clayton Kershaw – The Cuban Missiles met Clayton Kershaw on a 2 start week which is never really ideal.  Naturally one of those starts ended in a CG.  (16.2IP, 2ER, 17Ks, 2QS, 1W, 1CG).

LVP:  Michael J. Lobman – Just a WILDLY UNIMPRESSIVE title defense thus far.  Color us all unimpressed, Michael Jean.

In a battle between two suckers who will be far too busy eating shitty hospital cafeteria food come playoff time (IF THEY EVEN MAKE IT IN THERE), The Artist formerly Known as the Pine Lake Periods did just enough on offense to counteract the next to nothing that the Cuban Missiles done did.  Pitching-wise every category was close, with the two teams battling to a 4.53 to 4.54 advantage in ERA in the Missiles favor.  But the Punctuation Marks edged the Missiles by 3 in Ks and 2 in QS and 1 in the all-important CG category, and they also took advantage of an asleep Cuban Missiles offense and took 6 of 7 categories on the hitters side.  Aside from Kershaw (see above) and Strasburg (12.2IP, 15Ks, 2QS, 2Ws) all of the pitching in this matchup was kinda ew am I right?  Bright spots on the batters side for Pine Lake included Ryan Braun (2HRs, 2SB, .444 OBP), CarGo (1 triple, 3HRs) and Ozuna (2Hrs, .594 OBP).  I need to stop being so impressed by OBPs in one week sample sizes but DAMMIT I keep being impressed by them.  Bright sides for the Cuban Missiles?  Impending fatherhood maybe (debatable)?  Bogaerts 2HRs and upward trending exit velocity?  2HRs from Mazara?  Who cares fuck Mike.

Next Week:  The Pine Lake Jumpmen will try and jump over Rojo in the standings okay I get it that is already annoying.  Also that is factually inaccurate even with a loss the Resurgence would have a better record than the PLJM.  Lets move on.  Lobman’s Mediocre Missiles will take on A SCORCHIN HOT BULLDOGS TEAM.  Cliff will come for us all.  Maybe.

Whitestone Bulldogs Pee All Over The Springfield Isotopes’ Silk Hand-Knotted Oriental Area Rug – 6-5-3

MVP:  Miguel Sano – Sano is ALIIIIIVE… Update:  Sano is now dead and on the 15 day DL with hammy issues.  But for one week he was alive.  (4HRs, 7RBIs, 6 runs, .429 OBP)

LVP:  Prince Fielder – More like Princess Fielder AMIRITE?!  A couple of fellas did poorly for Team ‘Topes and got the boot because of it (Tomas, Castro, BYUNG HOOOO) but I am going to pick on the guy that is still rostered for some odd reason.  Prince Fielder hit one double and that’s literally all he did, cuz the Topes have resorted to benching his fat ass for weekends at a time.  You are a disgrace to the vegan/vegetarian movement in so many ways, Prince.

Cliff, mannnn.  CLIFF.  Cliff’s mighty Bulldogs must have gotten wind of the fact that I was mulling over an expose about how they kept losing with good stats, and you know what they did?  They continued to have those winning stats but now for two weeks in a row those winning stats are better than their opponents stats.  Which really has nothing to do with Cliff I suppose.  THIS GAME IS LIKE 70% LUCK.  But anyways, at least Cliff is burning up the waiver wire and mildly invested and we have Ryan’s Whatevers and T’s Topes to thank for that.  If one were to look at the numbers from this matchup, one would be unimpressed.  The Isotopes have a knack for playing these hideous matchups (See:  Week 5) but THIS TIME they failed to come out on top.  Some of the blame could go to Miguel Sano (4 HRs) but that would be a little silly as the Isotopes won HRs and HANDILY won RBIs.  Some of the blame should go to Nate Eovaldi and Edison Volquez for their Sunday QS contributions, which allowed the Bulldogs to tie the ‘Topes in said category.  Some of the blame can go to Marcus Stroman for Sing a D in his start.  But really what it came down to was a slightly active Cliff made a few moves in a week and edged out a victory in said week.  And now he’s out there waiver claiming Welington Castillo.  WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

Next Week:  Cliff and his Bulldogs of Whitestone are coming for the Cuban Missiles and they are coming for blood.  Just my personal opinion on the situation.  The Springfield Isotopes will be taking on alleged non-Mikey T franchise “Club Mehhhhhh”…… go fuck yaself.

The Pizza Hut [NOW WITH WINGSTREET WINGS!] Honey Srirarcha Wings sweet taste of victory of the week

Bad Drake Puns Slap The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club In The Face With Their One-Eyed Blue-Veined Trouser Trouts (beautiful imagery), Win – 6-5-3

MVP:  Jonathan Lucroy – I shit you not, Jonathan Lucroy was the reason Connor squeaked this week out. (2HRs, 9RBIs, 1 double, 1 YUUUUUUUGE Sunday triple)

LVP:  Anthony Rizzo – Nobody played too terribly for the Fishing Club but when the margin is razor thin like this SOMEBODY needs to be blamed.  And I nominate Anthony Rizzo.  No extra base hits, a mere run, two mere RBIs.  (.348 OBP)

The conclusion of our Week 8 Pizza Hut (NOW WITH WINGSTREET WINGS) Honey Sriracha Wings Sweet Taste of Victory of the Week likely left poor Greg feeling the same way one might feel after ingesting “wingstreet” honey sriracha wings.  Insert poop emoji here.  The Fishing Club and the Bad Drake Puns (please do not mistake the fact that I type out Greg’s team name for an endorsement of said team name) were deadlocked in battle the entire week, from what this guy can tell, and on Sunday it came down to a few at bats here a few at bats there in sealing a loss for the fisher dudes and a win for the other dudes.  A Sunday triple from a fucking catcher of all things, and a douchey catcher at that, secured the crucial category for the Bad Drake Puns and that same douchey catcher’s 3 douchey RBIs contributed to a 1 RBI lead for the BDP that ultimately held.  Heroy’s squad headed into the Sunday night game needing a mere one RBI from Kyle Seager’s talented brother to tie, two mere RBIs to win.  But it was just not…..to be.  If you hate Connor’s team (and lets be honest who doesn’t) you can also hold a grudge against Kyle Hendricks for this one, as his CG proved crucial.  If you’re a fan of the Trout Fishing Club (and let’s be honest whom is) you can take solace in the fact that the offense looked pretty good in Week 8 AND LOOKS FUCKING PHENOMENAL early on in Week 9.  Eat a trouser trout, Heroy.

Next Week:  Bad Drake Puns v. T.  Fishing Club v. Me.

On to Week 9.  Which is also the number of HRs Heroy’s team has after two days.  I hate you all…