Power Rankings – THE SEAN-STRADAMUS EDITION

Nostradamyus
This guy is (marginally) better at predicting things than Sean….

– MY OH MY what a Week 6 we had. As Sean has more than adequately related to you all in the week in review (I’m sure, because I did not read yet), this week was filled with some spirited battles as well as some major league beat downs. Crying MJ’s were given to the losers, and temporary glory to the winners. It is essential that while we do these power rankings, we also address the GLOWING the issue of LAST WEEK’S power rankings, authored by one SEAN E. MCLAUGHLIN. In his always funny, sometimes insulting type of way, he made some prognostications, and let’s just say they didn’t exactly work out the way he had predicted. I will address EACH AND EVERY PREDICTION along with the rankings so everyone can get a good laugh at this dumb bastard. With no further ado, Rankings:

1. River City Cuban Missiles (3-1-2)

Oh hey, first place. Nice to see you again. After a tumultuous first few weeks where pitching stats fluctuated and some key trade pieces remained unproductive, The Missiles (bats) woke up with a key week 6 performance. Whether you want to credit Adam Jones’s 4 bombs, Hanleys +.500 OBP, or Tulo’s re-awakening, The Cubans outlasted a very strong but HORRENDOUSLY managed Mooninitez squad. I will use this time to place myself in first until the inevitable collapse in this week’s championship matchup.

That Prediction?: “the River City Cuban Missiles shall be sent to at truly ridiculous looking 2-2-2 record and the gods shall smile down upon us all.”  WELL NOW, that really didn’t happen. (0 for 1)

2. Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (3-3)

Yea, I skipped over the two 4-2 squads. Sure, they’re doing just fine after playing each other, but this is not about them. This is about another really strong week by the Trouts, which we must highlight because this week he’ll probably fall back to earth like the bipolar mess his team is nowadays. He gets the #2 spot because his offense was great and his team was the only under 3.00 ERA this week. Good Job Greg. You’ll most likely blow it in the future, but good job..

That Prediction?: “The FC’s staff is looking less problematic after a solid acquisition of Aaron Sanchez, and with him and Jose Fernandez set to pitch again this weekend I see Heroy winning a tight battle and improving to 3-3.  Sad!”  FIRST OF ALL, Don’t fucking trade analyze in the Power Rankings, Sean. Also, bad Aaron Sanchez showed up and made a mess of Sunday’s game. BUT HEY nice job in accurately predicting a OG victory! (1 for 2)

 3. Rojo’s Resurgence (4-2)

After a week that saw him as the #1 spot on the rankings, the Resurgence ?de-surged? and lost badly to the other upstart team in the league, Drakepuns. ROJO, DON’T LOSE TO BAD DRAKEPUNS CMON. I suppose it was closer than that 9-2 score looks, but you go down to 3rd for that bad loss. On the bright side, you tied for most doubles, so that’s like something I guess.

That Prediction?:Rojo goes to 5-1, Rojo’s Resurgence continues to be the 2nd hottest ticket in town (after that Hamilton rap thingie).”  SPOILER ALERT: Hamilton dies. And eventually people will lose interest in Rap Opera plays maybe. Also Sean was WRONG. (1 for 3).

 4. Bad Drakepuns (4-2)

The league’s collective least favorite team (we’ve polled the audience) takes down everyone’s favorite plucky underdog (my guess), yet still gets a spot below Rojo because GUESS WHAT I like Rojo much more. That being said, the ‘Puns put it together this week, and that should be commended. Also, I couldn’t put a 4-2 team less than the 4th spot. So yea.

That Prediction?: ”That piece of shit and his piece of shit team go to 3-3.” Well that’s obviously not what happened. I do agree with the first 2 parts of this BUT I give no half points for correctness. (1 for 4)

Main Street Mooninitez  5. Springfield Isotopes (3-2-1)

Guys, did you know that The Topes get a lot of saves? Well if you follow the chat like SO MANY of us do, you would know that The Tops get a lot of saves. Also, Miguel Cabrera hit a wall scraping homer the other night. Also, The Topes withstood 2 unbelievable pitching performances from the Sale/Kershaw duo to pull off a rather impressive victory. It will be very interesting to see if this team could carry this momentum going forward to complete an improbable run to the playoffs, but for now this was a very strong win.

That Prediction?: “and then NEXT WEEK he’s gonna wake up on Monday morning and wonder where it all went wrong.  Ryan’s team storms back, T’s ‘Topes go to 2-3-1.” Well, Sean, it looks as tho Sassy T woke up a winner. Good for him and bad for Sean (1 for 5, SAD!)

Main Street Mooninitez    6. Pine Lake People’s Champs (3-3)

Well, in a season where everyone’s basically .500, there’s a pretty good chance that one (BAD) loss will take you from #2 all the way to #6. Especially when two different people do the rankings. Listen, I love Ryan. He’s like one of my favorite people, but you CAN’T lose to The Topes! I think even he would understand this tumble down in the rankings. That being said, GOD DAMN those 2 pitchers Kershaw and Sale are just really good. Also, Yelich is quite a little player. That’s all I got for positivity this week.

That Prediction?: “The People’s Champs shall start their comeback on this very day and by Sunday’s end they shall be 4-2.” Guys, I know this is gonna sound repetitive, but WRONG AGAIN, SEAN. That People’s Champs comeback will have to wait until Week 7, where he will possibly be 4-3 (Maybe). (1 for 6)

Main Street Mooninitez  7.  Barnegat Banana Slugs (3-3)

Maybe probably, The Slugs should be slightly higher on this list. The problem is they played the hapless Bulldogs, who are now staring down the barrel of a winless season. But this isn’t about the Bulldogs, let’s talk about the Slugs and the Runner Up Curse ™. Its still there, no matter what happens this week coming up against the Missiles. The Curse will not be broken (or maybe it will I don’t know). Either way, the Runner Up Curse ™ keeps the Banana Slugs all sorts of yellow and sad and out of the top 6 of the Power Rankings.

That Prediction?: “So while I fully acknowledge that losing to the winless Bulldogs meshes well with the Runner Up CURSE ™, I feel the curse is going to be a bit less obvious about things and so for now Brian wins again.  Banana Slugs find themselves at .500” Praise Baby JESUS, as Sean gets another one right! Basically everything that was said is SPOT. ON. Correct, as the Runner Up Curse ™ works in really hilarious ways. BE AWARE of the setup Brian. The Curse ™ takes no prisoners. (2 for 7)

Main Street Mooninitez  8. Point Loma X-Rays (2-3-1)

Well, I guess in all actuality they didn’t have a bad week all total, as the X-Rays ran into a strong Fishing Club. I could make a joke that the Fishing Club caught and killed a Ray, but I’m not gonna do that here, so I’ll just say that despite losing, the only West Coast squad is still only 1.5 games out of first even in 9th place. Which is something. Lets just hope for better days for one of the Mikes, maybe even this week against The Drakepuns.

That Prediction?: “THIS WEEK I can’t shake the feeling that the X-Rayz shall be deterred by the Fishing Club.  Something about the X-Rayz pitching woes of late and the Fishing Club’s pitching matchups has me seeing a future where the X-Rayz find themselves at (2-3-1).  Not that this is much of a hole in our current season.  This year everyone is pretty much .500, pretty much all of the time.” This one was so overly wordy, I had to include the whole thing. It wasn’t a good write-up anyways, as it really gave you no useful information. But yeaaaaa he got that prediction right there, so good job Sean (3 for 8)

Main Street Mooninitez  9. Whitestone Bulldogs (0-6)

OH, so this is where you thought you’d see the Mooninitez after all the teasing? NAH, I got the balls to put that BITCH dead fucking last. There really is nothing good to say about the Bulldogs, who have a lovely human being as an owner. Oooh I found something nice to say. Anyways, Things don’t look all that promising for him this week against the People’s Champs, but I GUESS he will win at some point soon.

That Prediction?: “Until Cliff shows that he can do the opposite of losing I will have to predict losing.  Bulldogs end up at 0-6.” Basically, This. (4 for 9)

10. Main Street Mooninitez (3-3)

Yea, you wanna put the Missiles at #9? Well, when you lose after that lowlife white trash move, you get the 10 spot. I care NOT for the little fact that Sean’s Moon men are actually pretty good, and the fact that he MAY be in the top 4 if he weren’t such a pompous dickhead. In fact, no, his team and his choice in lifestyle are total garbage. And his predictions. I’m not sure I’ve made this clear enough yet, but he did a bad job with his predictions. His team is fine, outside of some bad pitching, but pretty much every team had some shit pitching. The real issue here is Sean’s mouth. Don’t make checks that Kevin Gausman’s wildly inconsistent right arm couldn’t cash!

That Prediction?: “But when it’s all said and done, fuck Lobman and these are my power rankings and fuck Lobman a second time.  Right in his slimmed down face.  MooniniteZ win, MooniniteZ go to 4-2, there shall be peace in Israel.” With predictions like that, there will NEVER be peace in Israel. (4 for 10, YOU LOST)

So, to sum it all up, Sean’s bad at predicting things. SEE YOU ALL WEEK 7!

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Power Rankings – THE SEAN-STRADAMUS EDITION

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