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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  Lobman! That motherfucker. I sort of view Lobman as the matriarch of this particular group, only because it’s fun to call him a (hairy) woman. And UNFORTUNATELY personal attacks aside he is a strong competitor year in and year out, and this year should be no different. In his spare time Lobman enjoys losing like a lot of weight and exchanging Jeeps for newer Jeeps every. fucking. year. MAYBE LOOK INTO A HYBRID VEHICLE? You burgeoning vegetarian piece of shit. BEST OF LUCK TO DICKHEAD LOBMAN IN THE UPCOMING SEASON! (Also please note this post says “by Mike Lobman” because Lobman CLEARLY tried to get in here and interfere with my hard-hitting #analysis and bungle it up all to shit. SAD! And also TYPICAL LOBMAN! But yea, that didn’t happen so this post remains un-compromised unfiltered truth haymakers right into your fucking facehole.)

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  SP Danny Salazar, RP Wade Davis, RP Craig Kimbrel, SP/RP Joe Kelly, SP Steven Matz maybe, LF Michael Brantley maybe but probably not

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  Their Cuban identity, SS Troy Tulowitzki I guess maybe

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THE HITTERS!:  The Bad Dudes have a core lineup that can compete with anyone. There I said it. The prize jewel I GUESS would be Bryce Harper, the guy who had the best season since Bonds in 2015 and then came back down to Earth a bit in 2016 but made sure to steal 21 bags just to try and make up the difference for fantasy owners. He will be very good for a very long time and should remain in Lobman’s clutches forever. Equally entrenched is Manny Machado , whom is also really really good, and the Orioles keep gifting him with SS eligibility which certainly helps his standing…. let’s call himmm a top 10 bat. Giancarlo Stanton is here and if he ever stayed healthy who knows how many goddamn HRs he could hit, he hit a HR in the WBC that had a 117.3 mph exit velocity. Which is ridiculous. And now with less September in our fantasy seasons (Giancarlo loves missing September games) the Bad Dudes should benefit. Jose Abreu is a very good fantasy 1B, Rougned Odor is a great fantasy 2B (33 HRs in spite of a sub .300 OBP in 2016), Hanley Ramirez and Xander Bogaerts are two very productive fuckfaces, YOU GET THE IDEA. Oh and also Nomar Mazara, David Dahl, and Wilson Contreras are all young players with the potential to be quite good quite soon. River City is in good shape on the hitting side of things is what I am saying. Save for their currently messy utility situation and Yuli Gurriel, who is old and shittier than several of the third base options currently just sitting there in the FA pool.

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THE ROTATION!:  This rotation, this rotation has received a nice little face lift this offseason. It is not without questions but it also holds promise. The title of staff ace would seem to go to young Cards righty Carlos Martinez, fresh off a 20 QS 2016. He is joined by other young pitchers who have the possibility to be great and the possibility to have “young pitcher” type struggles, such as AL East arms Kevin Gausman and Marcus Stroman. Sonny Gray will be back and Lobman will hope he doesn’t suck again, as will Jameson Taillon whom I love and not just cuz he is named like the whiskey. JAMESON TAILLON SHALL BE GREAT. But those aren’t the new additions I alluded to, the new additions are Danny Salazar  (Lobman’s beloved) and Steven Matz whom were acquired in Shane’s “new owner fire sale” and “new owner quest to get rid of the 80 Mets on his team,” respectively. And hey maybe Tyson Ross makes an epic comeback in 2017, which would be poetic as he helped the Cuban Missiles (RIP) capture the chip in 2015. Since this is Lobman’s team/my Week 1 opponent I can’t end any section without critiquing it, so let me just add the OVERALL LIST here has as much performance risk as any rotation in the league. Really C-Mart is the only guy I would fully trust here. PS fuck Stroman, he’s a midget and he will have average numbers across the board because he is average.

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THE BULLPEN!:  The Bad Dudes BP is quietly solid as we head into the 2017 season, perhaps not as FLASHY as some other bullpens with higher ceilings but with a very very high floor. As long as Wade Davis avoids arm issues he will be a great addition to River City, racking up saves and strikeouts for baseball’s best team. Roberto Osuna has shown himself to be a capable closer in his 1.5 seasons in the role, one with a 97 mph fastball. Which is helpful. Francisco Rodriguez should remain a capable veteran closer for at least a while longer, ALTHOUGH (cue critique) father time is clearly coming for him and if his peripherals continue to dip and he loses effectiveness there’s arms in the Tigers system waiting for the job (but just one really, it belongs to Joe Jimenez). With a 22% K rate in 2016 K-Rod is K-Rod no more is what I am trying to inform you people. Lobman went and got Craig Kimbrel which totally ruined my critique, Kimbrel is good and will rack up saves and approach 100 Ks if healthy AND YEA WE GET IT. And so now TO END ON ANOTHER POSITIVE NOTE, the ever-competent (there’s that word again) Lobman made a quietly excellent pick in our “first year player draft” and brought in Joe Kelly, SP eligible Red Sawx reliever. Kelly could very well end up being very valuable in 2017, injuries in the Sawx pen already have him lined up as Kimbrel’s top setup man to begin the season and that is a role he can thrive in all year long. A real smart draft pick from a real smart owner. Now to reverse course and END ON A NEGATIVE NOTE, if you are trying to maximize the value of an SP-eligible reliever you really need your 4 relief spots filled up and the Bad Dudes at press time only have the 3 guys above. So they should remedy that because they are better than this NOPE that sonofabitch went ahead and grabbed high minors eligible RP Dan Altavilla, a guy most of us have probably never heard of that looks set up to open as the Mariners top setup man. FUCK do I ever hate it when Lobman does something smart with his roster (at least he still has Yulieski).

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THE OUTLOOK!:  TO THEIR DESERVING CREDIT the Bad Dudes added some solid rotational pieces this offseason, all without giving up much of anything of value (the loss of their cuban identity probably their biggest offseason subtraction). That could bode well for a team that FAMOUSLY had to put together a flurry of deadline trades (trading their dignity among other pieces) just to grab a few arms for their title run in 2015. They followed that title up with yet another run to the championship round, as a 6 seed no less, and this team has enough talent and managerial competence to become only the 2nd team ever to appear in 3 straight championships. OF COURSE the first team to do so won all 3 of those but yanno…..I’m sure you are all aware of that. Anyways the Bad Dudes should be a handful again in 2017, they have shown they know how to win and have a strong core. Blind affinity for Yuli Gurriel will be their downfall, I hope, because I have spent the better part of this preview putting that (old) man down.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  11-6-1, 3rd place.

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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  COMMISSIONER ODOM! Odom enjoys marijuana and the speed categories and is our new hero, whom has come to rescue us from the dark ages of the Turtora Dictatorship. Odom has made a habit now for two years running of compiling a roster RIPE for underestimating and then shoving it in the faces of all the folks that predict him to miss the playoffs. By making the playoffs. Still no playoff victories for either former co-owner of the greatest dynasty this league will ever see, but that feels RIPE for the changing. Will the commish’s newfound obligations to the league take a toll on his management style? Only time shall tell. But no. RIPE. BEST OF LUCK TO THE COMMISH IN THE UPCOMING SEASON! RIPE!

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  1B Daniel Murphy, 3B Evan Longoria, RP Edwin Diaz, SP Matt Moore, LF Eric Thames maybe, LF/CF DELINO DESHIELDS, CF Victor Robles maybe eventually

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  SS Jean Segura, SP Jon Lester, SP Robbie Ray, CF Keon Broxton 😉 , LF Khris Davis, CF Manuel Margot maybe eventually or this year

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THE HITTERS!:  SOMEWHAT UNDERWHELMING UPON FIRST GLANCE, as per usual. Justttt the way Odom likes it. Your best hitter here is one of the most recent additions, the alternative lifestyle intolerant Daniel Murphy. Murphy just came off of a MONSTER season which I discussed a bit elsewhere on this site, and he’s very capable of putting together another top 20ish top 25ish fantasy hitter type season. GREAT GET for the X-Rayz there. Another solid get is Evan Longoria, who has seemingly altered his approach a bit to maximize power. His acquisition showed a nice willingness to address team weaknesses, and for that the X-Rayz should be commended. Also helping to flip that perceived power weakness, almost singlehandedly, will be Chris Davis and hopefully if KBO numbers are to be believed Eric Thames. That about covers your power. The speed side of things remains the X-Rayz bread and butter, with Billy Hamilton and Dee Gordon back and now joined by potential 2017 breakout candidates Jose Peraza and DELINO DESHIELDS. Jose Ramirez should also chip in his fair share of SBs, Ben Zobrist should chip in a little bit of absolutely everything, and HEY look at that the offense already looks a lot better than initially perceived. Fuckin’ magic eye Odom strikes again.

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THE ROTATION!:  LOOKING RATHER THIN, here. David Price is arguably the best pitcher on the staff and he will be out at least initially, whom knows if that elbow leads to headaches for the entire season or beyond. The reason I say “arguably” for Price is due to young buck Chris Archer, a bad man coming off a somewhat unlucky season in 2016. He should be due for some solid positive regression. BEYOND THAT THOUGH ehhhhhh. Tanner Roark is coming off of a really impressive 2016 and is probably due for a bit of R word, Matt Moore is coming off a fairly impressive campaign and might be even better with a full year at the friendly and HR-suppressing confines of AT&T but who can be too sure with that guy. And then you have Taijuan Walker and Steven Wright (UPDATE:  he gone), neither of whom I am very sure will even make it to Opening Day on this roster let alone be actually good fantasy pitchers (Taijuan probably the safer bet to still be on the team when this posts, and I can’t even tell which is the safer bet to not suck).

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THE BULLPEN!:  Simply put this is your best 4 man bullpen in the Backyard. Aroldis Chapman is either the best closer in baseball or the 2nd best depending on your feelings on a one Kenley Jansen, he will be great for the Yankees and strike out a lot of guys and throw the ball really fast and all of that good stuff. Setting him up will be Dellin Betances, arguably the most valuable holds guy in fantasy and at worst #2 behind former bullpen buddy Andrew Miller. Edwin Diaz was acquired this offseason WHICH IS ALMOST UNFAIR, considering the X-Rayz barely had to dip their toes into a 3-way deal to get him and considering he is filthy. He could very well leap into top 3 fantasy closer conversation by year’s end, is arguably top 5 now. And if you ask me you can say the sameeee damn thing for Kelvin Herrera, whom has been pitching behind Wade Davis for years but probably has the better stuff. He will get a chance to show that this year in KC. I spent the X-Rayz bullpen section talking about how they have the best bullpen but also namedropping other good bullpen arms and that felt right. Zach Britton. He is also a good bullpen guy. The X-Rayz have the best in the Backyard though, it is decided.

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THE OUTLOOK!:  AS USUAL you have to sort of squint to see the value in a lot of the X-Rayz roster and AS USUAL I am not going to bet against them finding ways to mix and match and make it work. Last season they were picked to finish dead last in some fake news preseason polls and they finished the regular season dead first, so yanno. It is possible the X-Rayz may have made one move too many and I never would advise someone heading into the season with only 5 healthy starters, BUT I think the X-Rayz will be able to rely upon guile and the oleeee speed formula to return to the playoffs once again in 2017.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  10-6-2, 4th place. But if they up and grab a bye again I FOR ONE will not act surprised.

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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  B SMITH THA REALEST!  Brian enjoys fashion and a good midlife crisis. B Smith first joined this storied (pun not intended) league in 2013, I think, and in just 2 short years he had taken his rag tag band of Banana Slugs to the championship round. And now I am realizing the 6th seed has appeared in/lost the last two championship matchups, with the 5th seed losing in 2014. WEIRD. Anyways, Brian approaches fantasy with the soul of a poet, and it is that unique style that both aids his process and occasionally infuriates potential trade partners.  Ever the educator, I have no doubts that he will spend 2017 seeking to optimize his roster while occasionally lecturing other owners on why they are being stupid for not letting him optimize the Banana Slugs roster with their players. And for that and for other reasons I love this fuckin’ guy. BEST OF LUCK TO THIS FUCKIN’ GUY IN THE UPCOMING SEASON!

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  SP Jon Gray, SS Dansby Swanson, RP Cody Allen, RP AJ Ramos, RP Koda Glover (maybe), just a bunch of RPs really

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  DH David Ortiz, RP Edwin Diaz, CF Odubel Herrera

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THE HITTERS!:  Look the Slugs can hit a bit. Nobody is saying the Slugs can’t hit, they can hit a bit. BUT JUST A BIT. Josh Donaldson remains the cream of the crop here, SURE he likely isn’t as good as Nolan Arenado and definitely isn’t as young but he remains really really good, top 10 or 15 or so in fantasy however you slice it. Trevor Story was insanely good in his big league debut in 2016 and should remain really really good, even with the dreaded R word headed his way (IT IS REGRESSION, THE R WORD IS REGRESSION). Adam Eaton is an underrated fantasy asset for his triples alone, and could be pretty great if the Nationals cut out the cute shit and bat him in the top 2 in the lineup. Jose Bautista probably has another year in him, but maybe not. The OVERALL TONE here though, I must say, upon viewing, to me, is Donaldson Story and a whole bunch of meh. Dansby Swanson ‘s ceiling is like Brandon Crawford, people.

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THE PITCHERS!:  Look the Slugs can pitcha bit. Nobody is saying the Slugs can’t pitch, they can pitch a bit. BUT JUST A BIT. And a large part of that is owned to a one Max Scherzer, for my money the second best pitcher in fantasy (and real) baseball. Mad Max is extremely good and should remain so, wimpy spring training finger issues aside. And there’s other good stuff here as well, Jake Arrieta supposedly had a “down year” last year but that’s only because his 2015 was so ridiculously good. He was still really really good in 2016 (3.10 ERA, 190 Ks in 197.1 IP, 17 QS, 18 Ws) so people are silly. Rich Hill can be every bit as great as some of these top guys on a per inning basis, it is just a matter of how many inning you’ll get him for. Jon Gray is the first Rox pitcher SINCE UBALDO that I would actually like to own (and have owned), and Robert Gsellman has excellent hair and if given the chance to amass some innings for the Amazins he could be pretty special. AND THEN, there is Rick Porcello. Porcello is terribly overrated (undeserved Cy Young awards will do that to you) and I expect his 2017 fall back to Earth to be a long one. Let’s move on.

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THE BULLPEN!:  Look the Slugs can ‘pen a bit. Nobody is saying the Slugs can’t ‘pen, they can ‘pen a bit. BUT JUST A BIT. And actually this is the aspect of the Slugs that has impressed your previewer the most; the Banana Slugs have quietly put together a very strong bullpen. Zach Britton is the game’s best closer once you get past the Kenleys and Aroldii of the world and I expect that to continue in 2017, and Cody Allen is his own team’s second best reliever but also the second best reliever on the Banana Slugs of Barnegat here. He too shall remain a good source of saves and a great source of Ks in 2017. AJ Ramos may have a dubious leash but when he’s on and avoiding the walks he flashes dominance, a nice high K closer in a fantasy world that rewards such closers. But the REAL GEM is Matt Strahm, SP-eligible and high minors-eligible young stud for the Royals that has a real shot at grabbing a setup role alongside Joakim Soria. Strahm could be an absolute beast in the bullpen for both the Royals and the Slugs, and I badly want him and am sad to not own him. So this is depressing so let’s keep going. There’s a bunch of other options here and not all of them will be staying but whichever one pans out (or is chosen) will likely be a good one. Cam Bedrosian looks like the closer for the Angels and can be a good one, Koda Glover MIGHT get the shot in Washington if not on Opening Day then a few months down the line, and Addison Reed will close while Familia serves his suspension time for being an ABUSER. Oh and there’s Brad Brach, excellent holds guy and a strikeout artist in his own right. So no matter where Brian goes here he is in good shape, and by the time this posts I will probably have to come back and cross out the guys that are gone. My money says he keeps Brach and Glover (he’s high minors) but the rest go away. TIME SHALL TELL.

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THE OUTLOOK!:  Look the Slugs can win a bit. Nobody is saying the Slugs can’t win, they can win a bit. BUT JUST A BIT. SURE a lot of this format was just for trolling purposes but also it is what I BELIEVE in my HEART. The Banana Slugs can seemingly do everything well without doing anything great, and when you bake in some regression for guys like Trevor Story, Jake Lamb, BRAD MILLER, et al. you have a recipe for a team that will be less effective than its 2016 counterpart, WHICH HAPPENS. Perhaps there’s some positive regression in other areas to offset (I just love talking about regression with Brian’s team) with guys like Jose Bautista, but I refuse to say that because age-ism. He will be hurt and shit. And the Banana Slugs will likely be good enough to make a run at the final one or two playoff spots, and shit.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  10-8, 6th place.

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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  ROJO!  Lovable fan favorite Rojo.  Resurgence fans may be all but out of patience heading into 2017, given their quiet offseason and their quiet 2016 in-season.  The double R dominated headlines and power rankings in last year’s first half, before slowly losing their grip on the #1 seed and STUBBORNLY refusing to consider making a deal to stay at or near the top.  All of this inaction culminated in a slide alllllll the way down to the #5 seed and a predictable first round exit (albeit in a close battle that ended in tie with the eventual champions, YA COULDA EASILY BEEN THE #4 SEED ROJO). Rojo enjoys Tinder and being able to turn his neck in both directions without debilitating pain. BEST OF LUCK TO ROJO IN THE UPCOMING SEASON!

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  The INDISPENSABLE CF Jackie Bradley Jr., Kyle Schwarber in his return to health, Ozzie Albies maybe eventually

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  Kyle Schwarber’s catcher eligibility, the magic of a new name and logo

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THE HITTERS!:  Rojo’s Resurgence will be trotting out essentially the EXACT same lineup that slowly lost their grip on that #1 seed last year, sans Jarrod Dyson but plus Kyle Schwarber and Jackie Bradley Jr. And Schwarber can certainly make a difference (he GOT DAMNED better), when healthy in 2015 he gave the Cubs 16 HRs in 232 ABs (and another 5 in 27 postseason ABs). Schwarber will be attempting to keep pace with Resurgence teammates like Nelson Cruz (he of 3 straight 40 HR seasons) and Matt Kemp (he of an UNEXPECTED 35 HRs in 2016), although I for one wouldn’t count on such a HR output from Kemp again. Cruz is probably still good for it. JBJ comes over in the MUCH DEBATED deal with the Punchouts, he was hideous in 2014 but much improved in 2015 and last season. Where his true talent lies it is tough to tell, he probably won’t rattle off 29 game hit streaks every season but should be a solid fantasy contributor. Elsewhere there is ageless wonder Adrian Beltre, who is supposed to retire at some goddamned point but will likely be productive up until the day he does. Ian Kinsler makes for a solid 2B in fantasy even as he possibly begins changing his swing to sell out for power. And OH YEA Paul Goldschmidt, best player on the Resurgence arguably the best 1B in all of fantasy. He is good. And Joc Pederson is supposed to be great, he has been good but can improve if he picks up the SB pace or improves the plate discipline. Overall there is plenty of solids, and a few greats, in this lineup but also plenty of room for regression amongst the vets. Also Chris Owings is currently starting which probably shouldn’t even be allowed.

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THE ROTATION!:  QUIETLY SOLID! The quartet of Yu Darvish, Mashahiro Tanaka, Corey Kluber, and Johnny Cueto has the potential to be the finest trio of pitchers outside of Pine Lake, and the finest foursome if Tanaka’s health can hold up. Beyond that there’s also the youthful promise of Tigers righty Michael Fulmer (2016 AL ROY) and Dodgers southpaw Julio Urias, and beyond that there is NOTHING. I think. But still this is one of the more impressive rotations in the wholeee Backyard, particularly if Fulmer continues to hone his craft and Urias progresses and Tanaka’s arm continues to stay attached.

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THE BULLPEN!:  Ahhhh the most infamous bullpen in the entire league, THE HOLDSPEN one might call it if one was unimaginative.  Resurgence owner, Rojo, has been trotting out this strategy for a few seasons now and it will continue in 2017 and likely beyond. Perhaps purely out of spite at this point. Hector Neris is the best pitcher in this pen, and is SO GOOD in fact that he probably ends up the Phillies closer sooner rather than later. At which point I guess the RR are supposed to drop him or something. Joining him in this ode to hold are Will Harris from the Astros and for some reason Edubray Ramos from the Phillies. I guess because he is minors eligible? And that is it, not even a 4th holds guy to be found thus far. WHATTA MESS.

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THE OUTLOOK!:  When I look at this team I see 3-5 impressive starting pitchers and 1-3 impressive offensive pieces, and the rest just has a feeling of MEH. This is the same roster that started out 8-2 last year, however, now with the added benefit of Schwarber and Jackie Bradley Jr. So perhaps they can start out equally hot or perhaps they are equally as inconsistent as the double R was in the second half last season. Perhaps the reality lies somewhere in the middle. It certainly isn’t a roster that jumps out at you.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  8-9-1, 9th place.  I am of the thinking that all of this inaction will lead to the Resurgence’s worst season in Resurgence team name history, forcing a midseason name change.  And POSSIBLY an abandonment of that silly goddamned holds guys only strategy, which will in my humble opinion cost him in a few matchups (everyone knows if you are going to use that strategy it should be in the other direction, saves guys only.  Anyone can grab a holds guy to stream over a weekend.  BUT I GUESS I WILL JUST MANAGE MY OWN DAMN TEAM).

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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  SHANE! Is the owner of this particular team. And it is interesting that I am going with a “Know Your Owner” section because NOBODY REALLY FUCKING KNOWS HIM. Apparently Brian does. I don’t even know WHAT Shane enjoys, siring kids apparently maybe? And apparently “Uncle Keith” is his father-in-law I think? And for that we all owe him our condolences. Perhaps him and Lobman and Ryan can swap father-in-law war stories. ANYWHOM, Shane seems like a good dude to me and has already shown himself not afraid to mix it up in the trade markets and take whatever public judgment goes with that, in this particular league. How he goes about his business in-season remains to be seen but it is literally impossible to contribute less than Cliff did, probably. BEST OF LUCK TO THE FUCKIN’ NEW GUY IN THE UPCOMING SEASON!

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  Shane! ,  RF Carlos Gonzalez, LF Justin Upton, CF Odubel Herrera, 1B Brandon Belt, C Yasmani Grandal, SP Zack Greinke and SP Felix Hernandez maybe but probably not

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  Cliff (realizing now that key subtractions should be substractions that may negatively affect the team, and Cliff.  Ain’t.  That.), 2B Daniel Murphy, SS Francisco Lindor, SP Jon Gray, SP Steven Matz, SP Noah Syndergaard, RP Cody Allen

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THE HITTERS!:  A quick glance at the offense shows an offense SELLIN’ OUT for power, perhaps at OBP’s expense. (Notoriously inflated) ESPN projections have all but 2 of the MW’s current starters hitting 20+ HRs, and all but two of the MW’s starters having an OBP above let’s sayyyy .345 (the two above being Kyle Seager and Brandon Belt). The OF boasts a trio of damn fine power bats (Justin Upton, Yoenis Cespedes, Carlos Gonzalez) and the infield has Brian Dozier and the OBP-league underrated Brandon Belt and REALLY GOOD CATCHER Yasmani Grandal. BUT….there are some holes or question marks or question mark shaped holes. Jay Bruce the Mets may not even want, Hunter Renfroe who knows what you get out of him (homers….probably a few homers), Addison Russell could and should take a big step forward and also could not, Troy Tulowitzki always injured only getting older, Mike Moustakas MEH. Certainly this isn’t a bad offense but it is an offense that has recently parted with some talent and when you take it in as a whole it feeeeeeels, slightly underwhelming (IMHO). MAYBE IF THEY TRADED THOR FOR A BETTER FIRST BASEMEN.

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THE ROTATION!:  NO THOR. They do not have Thor. What they do have is top 5 SP Madison Bumgarner, so where they used to have 2 in the top 5 they now have one. They also have Jon Lester whoooo I dunno, I guess he’s maybe top 10. I’ve never cared for the fella but he had a fine 2016 (2.44 ERA, 8.75 K/9, 26 QS, 2 CG). So yes he is good too. THE REST? Tough to say. Jeff Samardzija and Zack “not ideal velocity” Greinke were once both pretty good, whether they are now is up for debate. Jordan Zimmerman probably just isn’t that good, Robbie Ray misses a lot of bats but also gets hit fucking HARD, Jharel Cotton and Daniel Norris are both young and may both be on the verge of breakouts but YOUNG PITCHING AMIRITE. IAMRITE. This staff has more of those question mark shaped holes.

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THE BULLPEN!:  FINALLY something resembling a full bullpen…..although a shaky one at best, one that would have looked better had it not parted with Cody Allen. Ryan Madson came back in that deal and he’s old and shaky, could easily be replaced in Oakland or end up injured once again. Jeurys Familia lead alllll of baseball in saves last year but also was up there in domestic violence incidents, so he’s gonna miss some time to start the season. How much time he misses remains to be seen but he won’t be there on Opening Day which I am SURE the morning glorys are aware of. Nate Jones is actually a very solid holds guy that could very possibly EVEN turn into a saves guy if the White Sox wake the fuck up and trade D-Rob for whatever they can get. Alex Colome was once a great SP-eligible closer but now he will return to just being a pretty great closer, assuming the Rays don’t fuck around. They shouldn’t, he should be fine. 

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THE OUTLOOK!:  It was clear this offseason that Shane and the Morning Wood wanted to show themselves as open and willing to make deals, and that is commendable. The question now will be if there was one (or two or three) deals too many this particular offseason, as some of the returns looked questionable compared to the costs and several very talented fantasy baseball players left town. Tough to know what kind of day to day management Shane will have, but this is a league where missing an opportunity to stream a spot start can cost you a matchup and upon first glance the Morning Wood roster would appear to have little room for error. In season maneuvers can shift outlooks for any team but right now this team appears to be the one with the greatest number of question mark shaped holes.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  7-11, 10th place.  It is a tough league to break into WHAT CAN I SAY.  There have, however, been several instances of first year owners making quite a splash in this league and that factor can’t be denied.  For now, with nothing to go off of but a casual glance at the AM Boners roster, I have to forecast them to finish last in Year 1 as they start the long journey of correcting Cliff’s Metsophilic roster.

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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  RYAN! Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Now three years removed from one of the more impressive championship seasons in this league’s history (dominant numbers with under 100 moves IN A MOVES ERA FOLKS), Ryan’s Punchouts hit rock bottom (theoretically) in 2016. Once mathematically eliminated the Punchouts started looking towards 2017, which may have cost them a few 2016 wins (which in turn may have cost them the playoffs earlier in the season), but now 2017 is upon us. Ryan enjoys spacing out his appearances within group functions and hoarding all of the good starting pitchers. Ryan is also now about 5 months removed from having a child, and WHO KNOWS if that has any effect on anything whatsoever, but the reality remains that the two guys that had a child in 2016 didn’t win in 2016 and the one guy that already has children also didn’t win.  #stats  #analysis  BEST OF LUCK TO RYAN IN THE UPCOMING SEASON!

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  SS Francisco Lindor, C JT REALMUTO, SP Noah Syndergaard 

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  RF Carlos Gonzalez, LF Justin Upton, CF JACKIE BRADLEY JR., 1B Brandon Belt, SP Carlos Rodon if this “biceps tightness” goes the way I THINK IT JUST MIGHT GO

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THE HITTERS!:  And here is where I point out that mayyyyybe Ryan and the Punchouts actually acquired the best available player this offseason, particularly in a dynasty format, Francisco Lindor. Personally I am still waiting for the power to go away but it HASN’T YET:  15 HRs last season (although the ISO and slugging percentage both dropped a bit). Lindor should continue to be a stud, not that the Punchouts were hurting for one at SS as they already own Carlos Correa (36 doubles, 20 HRs, 13 SBs, .361 OBP in ’16).  Outside of the shortstop position, however, this infield has questions. Questions like can Nick Castellanos continue to evolve as a hitter? Can Anthony Rendon stay healthy two years in a row? Will the Punchouts find a first baseman (as of writing this they had none)? Can JT Realmuto SHOVE IT in the face of all of his many one scrawny detractors? Less questions in the OF, BUT STILL QUESTIONS, starting with the question of which of the surplus ends up cut by Opening Day. Andrew Benintendi is the top prospect in baseball according to some, according to others it is the Punchouts other prospect Yoan Moncada. Ryan Braun had a renaissance of sorts in 2016 (30 HRs 16 SBs) and has been a mainstay in Ryan’s lineup for several seasons now, will be interesting to see if he is traded by either the Punchouts and/or Brewers in 2017. Miguel Sano has questions about strikeouts but his power is not in question, Byron Buxton looks to continue to put it all together after struggling all season in ’16 before finding his groove in September. George Springer and Christian Yelich  are what they are at this point, which is very good and VERY SIMILAR players (with Springer having more pop). In summary, plenty of questions on offense but also plenty of standouts.

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THE ROTATION!:  Where there are no questions, however, is with this pitching staff.  It is undoubtedly the class of the league, with really only the risk of injuries to hold it back (and again that is something pretty much all pitchers come with to some degree). List your top 5 fantasy SPs and the Punchouts likely have three of them with Clayton Kershaw (1), Chris Sale (5), and Noah Syndergaard (3 or 4). Not too far below these three is Stephen Strasburg, a pitcher good enough to be in that top 5 if he can for once in his fucking life avoid injury for a full season. A bit further down, and with similar injury risks, you would find Matt Harvey. A list of high upside young SPs would include Aaron Nola (another injury risk) and Carlos Rodon and the Punchouts have both of those guys as well. After those names it gets a bit murkier, as the Punchouts STILL have more pitchers for some reason (an aging Adam Wainwright and a volatile but potentially dominant Michael Pineda) but the point is the Punchouts pitching staff is ridiculously deep. If they avoid injury they can probably carry this team by themselves, although the same thing was said last preseason. This staff has gotten better though, somehow

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THE BULLPEN!:  This bullpen offends me eeeeeeven more than the 3EF bullpen, as it comprises only two individuals right now (surely either some pitching or some outfielders will need to be swapped out if the PP want to compete in relief categories). David Robertson is a solid closer that will deliver good Ks and will save some games, possibly more than anticipated now if he ends up dealt to the Nats or some other contending team. Sam Dyson is FAR LESS solid, as his so-so skills will put his job in jeopardy if he slips up even a little bit. These two will not win you any relief categories by themselves, ADDITIONAL ASSEMBLY REQUIRED.

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THE OUTLOOK!:  This time last year the Punchouts were being declared the league’s best team on the strength of the league’s best rotation, and they once again have ridiculous starting pitching. Starting pitching can be scary to rely on with the always looming threat of injury, and the Punchouts have added a few new injury risks to the rotation (even Syndergaard has “oh no biggie” bone spurs apparently), but if health is maintained the pitching is flat out scary for any opponent. The surplus also presents ample opportunities to sell for extra offense should the Punchouts find the need, and I think after facing some bad luck last season the Punchouts will have enough firepower to return to the postseason in a tight year. First they need to get more goddamned relievers though.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  11-7-1, 5th place.

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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  ALLEGED REAL PERSON AND NOT JUST A FRONT FOR A SECOND MIKEY T TEAMS/GUY WITH AN INTERESTING INTERPRETATION OF THE MEANING BEHIND THE TERM “FUCKFACE,” CONNOR! I know we are all supposed to be playing nice with Mikey T’s betrothed, and to his credit he uhhh showed up in a GroupMe chat. And allegedly responds to trade offers now. And truth be told I don’t have any personal ill will towards him and am not sure I have ever spoken a word to him “irl.” But ALSO Connor will forever be the owner of the team that handed the 3PO dynasty it’s only playoffs defeat, and so fuck him and I am glad to slot him in at #9 here. Because Connor’s team (RIP McGibblets 😦 ) sucked last year. Who knows or cares what Connor enjoys. BEST OF LUCK TO CONNOR IN THE UPCOMING SEASON!

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  1B Freddie Freeman, RF Adam Duvall, AJ Pollock if he stays healthy

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  THE MCGIBBLETS NAME, SP Jose Quintana, 1B Wil Myers, RP KEN GILES

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THE HITTERS!:  Credit where credit is due because the 3EF went out and got the best available (apparently he was available, why is he always so available) hitter via trade this offseason, in a one Freddie Freeman (Note: I will entertain arguments for Francisco Lindor being the best player traded but SAVE IT FOR THE PUNCHOUTS PREVIEW DAY). Freddie Freeman, forever immortalized in the worst trade of the modern era, was shipped from the ‘Topes to the 3EF a few weeks ago in a trade that was more reasonable (SURPRISE SURPRISE). He will be good in 2017. The 3EF also have a top 3 fantasy catcher (Jonathon Lucroy), THE top 2nd basemen and probably top 5 in allll of fantasy (Jose Altuve), and an arguable top 3 fantasy shortstop (Jonathan Villar). And Villar is an interesting case, as he exploded onto the fantasy scene last year (to refresh, 19 HRs, 62 SBs, 38 doubles, 3 triples, 92 Rs, 63 RBIs, .369 OBP). SURELY 2016 was Villar’s career year, so the debate will move to how much of any of it is repeatable, but even 65-75% of that is an amazing goddamned season for a player that will likely spend most of his time at second base this season. And so SURELY all of us that failed to grab him off waivers in time and watched him go to Connor instead feel a little sad about that. Elsewhere around this offense you have various HR mashers (Mark Trumbo, Adam Duvall, JD Martinez, Albert Pujols), a criminally underrated in OBP leagues Carlos Santana, and a returning-from-injury-plagued-2016 AJ Pollock. Pollock was the fantasy darling of 2015 (20 HRs, 39 ABs, .369 OBP), almost a Villar before Villar was cool, and how much of that magic he can recapture will help determine how dangerous this offense can be.

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THE ROTATION!:  The big 3 for this rotation are Jacob DeGrom, Carlos Carrasco, and Kyle Hendricks. Hendricks pitched to a 2.13 ERA in 2016 and that will obviously fall a bit, how far depends upon what you think of Hendricks overall (I THINK IT WILL FALL QUITE A BIT). DeGrom and Carrasco will provide solid Ks per inning for the 3EF, DeGrom a bit of an injury risk but WHAT PITCHER ISN’T these days. Beyond those solid three the next best pitcher might just be Drew Pomeranz (3.32 ERA, 9.81 K/9 in ’16), and beyond him lies a bunch of who fucking knows. Drew Smyly, Joe Ross, and Alex Cobb could all be pretty great this season but could also all be pretty injured or pretty just okay. So a wide range of outcomes, but at least none of them should be particularly bad? And then there is Ian Kennedy, whom is Ian Kennedy. He probably gets traded to the Isotopes at some point.

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THE BULLPEN!:  This bullpen mildly offends me I’ll be honest, as someone whose very DYNASTY was built upon strong bullpen work. Brandon Maurer is incredibly mediocre and will be giving up his closer’s gig with a quickness, Tony Watson is perhaps slightly above mediocre but only slightly, and then there’s Neftali Feliz and Daniel Hudson. Honestly Feliz has the most potential of this group, he should open with the Brewers closing gig, but it remains to be seen how much of his 2016 was Pirates Pitchin’ Magic and how much was a true comeback of sorts for the former Rangers prospect. Daniel Hudson sucks, but may end up taking Tony Watson’s job in Pittsburgh because that bullpen is just a mess of names. A real LOW ENERGY bullpen in Forked River.

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THE OUTLOOK!:  The Three-Eyed Fish sometimes get overlooked due to their Mikey T’s puppet of an distant owner and the fact that they sucked the past two years, but PRIOR to that let us all remember that they ran all the way to the championship in their inaugural season. The team’s name may have changed but almost all of their solid pieces on offense have returned, and if the pitching staff stays healthy and if they look into actually fielding a bullpen worth a damn this team could easily be back in the playoffs. The last time that happened they made some noise AND ENDED A DYNASTY, so it would be wise for opponents not to sleep on the 3EF in 2017.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  9-8-1, 7th place.  ALL THAT BEING SAID, I think this will be a particularly brutal year in the league with the 18 week format and I see the 3EF losing a lot of heartbreakers due to lax bullpen work or lax management.  We can’t all make the playoffs folks.