2019 Week Three Review: “Keep On Steppin” Edition

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AI is the greatest #3 of all time in any sport ever, that was Week 3. I say it works….




Three weeks in the books, another 15 to go before we bet to #TheBracket. Unfortunately LEAGUE VILLIAN used some Sunday night Braves magic to remain undefeated, the only 3-0 team in the land (Bears and Bad Dudes are at 2-0-1). There’s also only one 0-3 in the land and that is last year’s BCS LOSERS the Astoria Isotopes (X-Rayz and Slugs at 0-2-1). So I mean that’s basically most of the records and stuff, you can either stop reading now or you can read the rest why would I give a shit either way…. WEEK THREE RESULTS DOWN BELOW, Keep On Steppin’ folks….


OH YEA ALSO WHY did I forget that I am s’posed to select the BBOTW ahead of time. We shall get back on track with that one, starting now.





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All of the Gallo GIFS are like this…

Rojo’s Renegade Force THROTTLE The Lakehurst Leviathans, Leviathan Fans Urged To Not Get Too Nervous  –  11-2-1


MVP:  Joey Gallo  –  Gallo is still (for the most part) striking out a ton but he DID manage a .480 OBP in Week 3 despite only notching one walk so that’s….wild.  11/23, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 4 HRs, 11 RBIs, .480 OBP     


LVP:  Jack Flaherty    Nobody was really standout shitty on O for the LL’s so we are just going to have to give this to the shittiest pitcher performance. This may be a theme this week, LVPs looked a bit *shrug* on my first pass through. Fret not we shall find a way.  2.2 IP, 5 ER, 4 Ks, 16.88 ERA





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  Here ya go, the only guy to register multiple HRs for the Leviathans was Jonathan Schoop so congrats to Jonathan and his family (7/24, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .320 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  They may have hit 23 dingers but Chris Taylor hit none of those so SHAMEEEE to Chris and his entire bloodline (2/13, 1 R, .154 OBP).


Key To Matchup:  DONGS. The Renegade Force hit a tied-for-the-week-and-season-leading 23 HRs in Week 3. The Leviathans only hit 9. Never wanna be in single digits in the dongs AMIRITE?! So yea the rest of the stat cats that correspond to HRs went about as you’d expect.


What’s Next (Week 4):  RRF v. ECK (2-1 v. 1-2)

LL v. IBB (2-1 v. 2-0-1)






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River City Bad Dudes Casually Beat Up Astoria Isotopes In A Matchup I Expected More Out Of Quite Frankly, At Least In The Group Chat  –  9-4-1


MVP:  Bryce Harper  –  Buncha MEH #s this week, forcing me to write a MEH review. I find a lot of these numbers uninspiring, desperately waiting to get to Christian Yelich or whatever. But Bryce Harper was FINE I guess and Go Phils?  8/29, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, .382     

LVP:  Khris Davis    I consider myself a big Khrush guy so this hurts me a bit but C’MON KHRIS, I know you need to keep things in .247 range but don’t have zero HR weeks that’s not right the ‘Topes are DYING OUT HERE.  3/15, 1 RBI, .250 OBP    





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  Charlie Blackmon put a little pep in his step for a fuckin’ change and boyyyyy will the ‘Topes need it if they wanna climb out of this lil hole (11/27, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 2 3Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .467 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  I’m glad somebody rostered Touki Toussaint for that start cuz I had to roster Matz for that other start, and I’m also glad that somebody was Mike (1.1 IP, 7 ER, 2 Ks, 47.25 ERA).


Key To Matchup: HELL IF I KNOW. This matchup seemed very boring to me. I am bored. It’s possible I just wasn’t really reading the chat as per usual but uhhh, WHERE’S THE PIZZAZZ HERE? Last week of Miguel Cabrera‘s legendary ‘Topes tenure and his line pretty much sums up this entire box score (6/21, 3 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 RBIs, .304 OBP). THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES MIGGY (Shane you are required to add him).


What’s Next (Week 4):  RCBD @ BBS (2-0-1 @ 0-2-1)

‘Topes v. LTBS (0-3 v. 3-0, BBOTW )




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East Coast Kings Ride Christian Yelich Past Heroy’s Stupid Team Name And Yea Yelich Hit More HRs Than That Entire Stupid Team So Take That, Stupid Team  –  7-6-1


MVP:  Christian Yelich –  Christian Yelich is a player on the East Coast Kings and NOT a player that is on Heroy’s team. Pay attention as this may come into play later. And it also comes into play right now because I am going to point out that Yelich outhomered the entire squad de la Heroy. He good.  10/24, 9 Rs, 8 HRs, 16 RBIs, .533 OBP     ***MVP OF THE WEEK***   

LVP:  Willy Adames   Thanks for nothing ONCE AGAIN WILLY.  2/12, 1 R, .167 OBP





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  Byron Buxton had six hits in Week 3 but they were all doubles and given Buxton’s entire goddamned CAREER to this point (not counting the 2nd half of ’17) that’s gotta be considering inspiring I s’pose (6/26, 3 Rs, 6 2Bs, 4 RBIs, 1 SB, .286 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Uhhhh I mean I guess Noah Syndergaard was a bit shaky in Week 3, though it’s always good when a pitcher can have two shaky starts and still deliver 14 Ks for the squad (10 IP, 9 ER, 14 Ks, 8.10 ERA).


Key To Matchup:  HEROY’S TEAM NOT ACQUIRING CHRISTIAN YELICH. RUMOR HAS IT once upon a time Yelich was offered to Team Heroy as part of a package of players for some other fuckin’ guy, and that package was declined. And so Yelich went out in Week 4 and out-homered Team Heroy in its entirety. Seems like a Key To Matchup if I’ve ever written a Key To Matchup AND I HAVE, like 10 or 11 times in fact.


What’s Next (Week 4):  ECK @ RRF(1-2 @ 2-1)

HEROY @ PBX (1-2 @ 0-2-1)






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Island Beach Bears And Barnegat Banana Slugs Tie Each Other, I TRULY FEEL IT WAS THE BEST WE COULD DO OKAY The Pitching Was Historically Awful  –  6-6-2

(workshoppin’ here)

Whom Prevented Outright Losses:  Slugs Starters / Bears Speedsters  –  THOSE WHO TIE GET NO NAME RECOGNITION. But uh the reason the Slugs avoided a loss would be their SPs (11 QS with only one mixed-eye-colored fuck preventing a record tying week, THE record) and the reason the Bears avoided a loss would be their speedy fellas (key 3B on Saturday, 4 SBs on Sunday).    

Whom Prevented Outright Wins:  Bears Starters / Jesus Aguilar    Okay we’ll get one name in, and that name comes from the Slugs. For the Bears a REAL PROBLEM was their starting pitching, only 3 SPs made it through the 5th inning one asshole gave up 6 ER without getting a single goddamned out. For the Slugs, Jesus Aguilar is to blame. I declare him back to shitty and it’s only a lil bit cuz of trolling.  2/21, 1 R, .136 OBP    ***LVP OF THE WEEK***



What Should The Bears Have Done Differently To Prevent This Disgrace 🙂 —  Uhhhhh picked spot starters that weren’t so shitty? Rostered more SPs that weren’t shitty so they would then need less spot starters that could end up being shitty? I dunno man…

What Could The Slugs Have Done Differently To Avoid This Total Embarrassment 🙂 —  Uhhh dropped Aguilar? Coached up Ender Inciarte so he would have gotten more involved in the Braves Sunday Night Hit Parade? I dunno man…


(I dunno why I am acting so disgusted with ties but (at least for this week) I AM SO DISGUSTED WITH TIES, no Keys To Matchup those are for winners)


What’s Next (Week 4):  IBB @ LL (2-0-1 @ 2-1)

BBS v. RCBD (0-2-1 v. 2-0-1)







Brookfield Zoo






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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Snatch Victory From The Jaws Of Defeat Via Sunday Night Braves Bats, Stun The Pacific Beach X-Rayz  –  6-5-3


MVP:  Freddie Freeman  –  Freddie had a fine week and remains far better than Trevor Rosenthal and whatnot but really this one’s about the 2 Rs, 2 RBIs, and .800 OBP that he put together on Easter’s FATEFUL (for this meaningless Week 3 matchup, all other matchups and everything else in the universe also meaningless) night game.  6/24, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, .357 OBP    

LVP:  DJ LeMahieu    A lot had to fall apart for the X-Rays to lose this lead, mostly relating to the Indians serving up BATTING PRACTICE for the Braves on Sunday Night Baseball, but when it was all said and done the X-Rays lost OBP .354 to .353 and DJ went 0-8 so fuck you DJ.  0-8, .000 OBP 


JROLLs:  Fernando Tatis Jr. (1, LTBS)


BackdoorSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Yepppp Fernando Tatis Jr. had his first JROLL, PERHAPS the first of many for him in his career, WHO KNEW he was going to be up on Opening Day this year lolololololol….o….l (8/23, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B,  1 HR, 2 RBIs, 3 SBs, .400 OBP).

BackdoorSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  Woulda like to have taken these guys down a peg by noting a deGrom injury but he seems to have dodged a bullet so WHATEVER Justin Verlander had a nice start meh (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.29 ERA).


X-Rays Hitter Of Note:  The X-Rayz continue to PLAY THE WIRE with a lot of the bats and they played the right card with Joc Pederson in Week 3 but yanno, he can’t hit lefties and he isn’t on their roster anymore and whatnot (8/23, 6 Rs, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, .444 OBP).

X-Rays Pitcher Of Note:  Andddd they also pushed the right button on a Mike Minor streamed CG shutout SOMEHOW (9 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).




OOF, Sunday Night Heartbreak strikes again in the Backyard and this time it’s the PB X-Rays left wondering just what…..went….wrong. What went wrong was Shane Bieber and the rest of the Indians were throwing bags of dicks across the plate on Sunday night but he isn’t on either roster so let’s discuss some guys who are.

The Rays were mostly cruising throughout the week but OH there were warning signs. Namely one:  a bullshit rain-shortened game CG by Jameson Tailon (5 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks, 1 W, 1 CG) on Saturday that erased the Minor CG referenced above. That put the Douchney (his words, can’t believe I never thought of it) and the defending champeens within striking distance heading into Easter Sunday, and the Rays were able to maintain that distance (shout to Joc and his 3 Rs 2 HRs) alllll the way up until Sunday Night Baseball. And that’s when it fell apart: the BackdoorSliderz’ 3 Braves (Freeman, Albies, Acuna) delivered 4 Rs 4 RBIs and justttt enough OBP, the X-Rayz typical MVP (J-Ram) continued his atypically USELESS season, and when the smoke settled the champs had escaped via a +2 win in Runs, +1 win in RBIs, and +.001 win in OBP. Keeps Lacey undefeated keeps Pacific Beach winless. RATHER UNFORTUNATE IF YOU ASK THIS “BLOGGER”…

Week 4 will see the 3-0 defending champs in a BCS rematch with the 0-3 Astoria Isotopes, perhaps seeking to put a proverbial nail in Mikey T’s alarmingly light proverbial coffin. This is our first OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED BBOTW of 2019, not because I think it will be competitive more because it’s the BCS rematch and the ‘Topes are staring an 0-4 start dead in the face. Elsewhere the Pacific Beach X-Rayz will try and shake off the heartbreaker when they take on whatever dumb fucking name Heroy goes with.


What’s Next (Week 4):  LTBS @ ‘Topes (3-0 @ 0-3, BBOTW)

X-Rayz v. HEROY (0-2-1 v. 1-2)








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Dedicated to my fans and  haterz…. KEEP ON STEPPIN’




Week Three Review, Fin. 

2019 Week Three Review: “Keep On Steppin” Edition

2019 ASB Draft Order

  1. Shane
  2. Odom
  3. Heroy
  4. Rojo from Sean via Odom (Castellanos, Spring Draft)
  5. Shane from Lobman (Mondesi)
  6. Odom from Rojo (Spring)
  7. Brian
  8. Ryan
  9. Lobman from T via Odom (Reynolds, Leblanc)
  10. Dochney
  11. T from Shane via Odom (Kikuchi, Plesac)
  12. Rojo from Odom (Spring)
  13. Heroy
  14. Shane from Sean via Odom (Tim Anderson, Kikuchi)
  15. Lobman
  16. Rojo
  17. Brian
  18. Sean from Ryan (Hoskins)
  19. Mikey T
  20. Lobman from Dochney (Cespedes)
  21. Odom from Shane via Lobman (Mondesi, Leblanc)
  22. Sean from Odom (Castellanos)
  23. Heroy
  24. Sean
  25. Odom from Lobman (Lester)
  26. Rojo
  27. Brian
  28. Ryan
  29. Mikey T
  30. Dochney
2019 ASB Draft Order


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WEEK TWOOOOOO. In the books.  On the negative side of things I’m already reminded how much I hate April. Everyone discussing players performances both good and bad when I just wanna wait for like 100 goddamned at bats or 50 goddamned innings before we all start going nuts (even then it will be unfortunate). But HEY I’m handing out MVPs and LVPs based on weekly samples so I am no hero. And on the positive side of things look how gotdamned adorable that little sign language girl is above? She’s lovely. And the bullshit she’s referring to are April #s. LETS DIG INTO SOME APRIL NUMBERS…






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HEROY And His Dumb Goddamned Team Names Absolutely Mollywhop Cliff’s Rojo’s Renegade Force  –  10-1-3


MVP:  Austin Meadows  –  I absolutely KNEW Meadows was gonna pwn for the Rays this year so I should have tried to acquire him in the offseason because Heroy probably didn’t know like I knew. So yea, I am declaring his hot start for real and quality data worth pointing out, but his and only his.  12/22, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 4 HRs, 12 RBIs, .630 OBP (THAT FEELS REALLY HIGH)    ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP:  Rojo   Nine starts in a win and I confuse you with Ryan. Nine starts in a loss and I confuse you with Cliff. DO BETTER.  JUST DO BETTER OKAY





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  I R L Marcell Ozuna made an absolute ass of himself going for that off the wall spring back catch thing but I F W (In Fantasy World) he had 4 dongs and that’s nice for him and for RRF (7/19, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 4 HRs, 8 RBIs, 1 SB, .400 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  I dunno the entire team with its dumb fucking name had a real fine week so maybe it’s rude of me to harp on Rojo’s FAILURES but this part is about a Heroy guy’s failures so uhhh, Luris Urias isn’t the next Altuve I lied (1/11, 1 2B, .091 OBP).


Key To Matchup:  TAKE YOUR PICK. The Heroy squad took 5 cats on both sides of the ball, I guess they more THOROUGHLY outpitched the RRF (with 10 starts to the Force’s 9) but they also managed like 15 more RBIs despite equal HRs so yanno. Sometimes that’s how the ball bounces and you think the ball is going over the fence so you try and jump off the wall but then it is falling short of the fence so you try to spring off the wall to catch it and in the end you’re just lucky you didn’t break your face.


What’s Next (Week 3):  HEROY @ ECK (1-1 @ 0-2)

RRF @ LL (1-1 @ 2-0)





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Lakehurst Leviathans TWO AND ZERO ONCE AGAIN, Barnegat Banana Slugs ZERO AND TWO Which Is Also Fun I Guess  –  6-3-5 (weird score ya weirdos)


MVP:  Mitch Haniger  –  FIRSTLY DO NOT LOOK AT THE GIF SCROLL PAST THE GIF. Particularly if you are Rojo, worried I’m gonna kill Rojo. Secondly HEY nice work Mitch, your Leviathans lapped the Slugs in Runs by like 21 and you contributed 9 of those so take a bow ya fuck (HOW BOUT THAT Ms O).  9/27, 9 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, .345 OBP     

LVP:  Ender Inciarte  ENDER, BUT I HARDLY EVEN KNOW HER?! sorry.  2/17, 1 SB, .167 OBP    





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  Hey I mean Eddie Rosario did just fine (7/16, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .471 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Shane’s inaugural season should inspire the modesty here but SHOULD THAT FAIL uhhh I dunno Michael Wacha got lit up I guess and he’s a Leviathan regular and also his ERA can remind Shane of his last two seasons so yea (3.2 IP, 7 ER, 3 Ks, 17.18 ERA).


Key To Matchup:  BATS. The Leviathans won 5 hitting categories and tied the two they couldn’t win (3Bs and HRs) and that was 5 of your 6 cat wins right there. I dunno I think it’s a nice ADVANTAGE when you have a catcher that can hit like Yasmani Grandal (.600 OBP, 5 Rs, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs) can, he’s currently the #1 rated catcher in our league I think I traded him to Shane for Dan Vogelbach WHOM IS ALSO GOOD NOW. But yea Leviathans nice offensive week, Slugs O was a wee flat for the 2nd week in a row (33 Rs, fewest in league once again). COST EM.


What’s Next (Week 3):  LL v. RRF (2-0 v. 1-1)

BBS @ IBB (0-2 @ 2-0)





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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz T….. (wait I’m not supposed to discuss this matchup and I’m going to take the opportunity not to because lazy)  –  7-5-2





JROLLs:  Ronald Acuna Jr. (1, LTBS) ; Elvis Andrus (1, ECK)  (JROLLs ENDURE)









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Island Beach Bears Squeak Past Astoria Isotopes Via Slightly Less Shitty ERA  –  7-6-1


MVP:  Jose Altuve –  I think it’s RATHER FUCKING RUDE how Altuve was clearly dealing with injuries all year last year (he had a lil HBP on the top of the foot that seemed to cause some issues even before the knee) and yet folks this offseason acted like he was totally finished. I AM SURE he remains plenty good. Will have to see where the SBs end up at end of year and I have other concerns BUT it’s April and therefore I will both ignore those and not ignore the HRs and say he’s still the best 2B in fantasy folks.  10/25, 8 Rs, 6 HRs, 10 RBIs, .407 OBP     

LVP:  Kyle Freeland   Really wanted to give this to Sale but Freeland gave up a run an inning over TWO starts and provided no QS or Ws and I DUNNO this is an inexact science. The Bears won by giving up 48 ER in 75 innings and the ‘Topes lost by giving up 49 in 75.2 so TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT KYLE.  10 IP, 10 ER, 8 Ks, 9.00 ERA    ***LVP OF THE WEEK***





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  My main man Khris Davis aka Khrush Davis did his best (9/27, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 5 HRs, 10 RBIs, .333 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Eat a dick Adrian Sampson I DIDN’T WANT YOU (4 IP, 7 ER, 4 Ks, 15.75 ERA).


Key To Matchup:  SUNDAY.  I mean I did in fact have the most dongs/RBIs in Week 2 and we DID have a pretty solid lead going prior to the weekend but that allll started evaporating, and it was a coin flip on Sunday. And had I lost I would be blaming the Angels rainout that forced the Bears to stream Adrian Fucking Sampson but I WON and that’s because despite Sampson’s Stinker and German MarquezSunday CG gem we were able to hold onto a slim and hideous ERA victory (5.76 over 5.83).


What’s Next (Week 3):  IBB v. BBS (2-0 v. 0-2)

‘Topes @ Bad Dudes (0-2 @ 1-0-1)












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River City Bad Dudes & Pacific Beach X-Rayz Kiss Their Sisters And I Know I’ve Kissed One Of Them And I Assume Like Rojo Or Someone Has Kissed The Other  –  6-6-2

(It’s occurring to me this format somewhat withers (and always has) under a tie scenario so SINCE this is a BBOTW tie let’s do it this way, but I may figure out a way to address ties next time or hell I may not who gives a shit…)

MVP:  Julio Teheran  –  I mean PLENTY of things happened in this matchup I’m sure, as does all matchups, but a thing on Sunday that grabbed the Bad Dudes a tie was suck-ass Teheran throwing a QS so CONGRATS TO YOU JULIO!  6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.50 ERA     

LVP:  Jose Ramirez    The X-Rayz did perfectly fine on the batting cats (won 4 outta 7) but still need to point out Jose Ramirez what the fuck are you DOING this season? You’ve been terrible, Jose.  2/26 IP, 1 R, 1 2B, .111 OBP 





Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Jose Abreu both kinda sucked and also stole two bases and kinda didn’t, GO FIGURE (2/22, 2 Rs, 1 2B, 1 RBI, 2 SBs, .160 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Carlos Rodon was shit in one start and good in another and even in the shit start he struck out 9 and the Bad Dudes won Ks by 2 so this was important he is of note (10.2 IP, 6 ER, 14 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 5.06 ERA).


X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  50 total RBIs is a damned fine RBI total and Dansby Swanson somehow contributed NINE of them on FOUR hits, I cannot figure out the math there (4/20, 2 Rs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 9 RBIs, 1 SB, .261 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Blake Snell is the reason the Dudes needed every one of those Rodon Ks, Blake Snell is good (12 IP, 1 ER, 20 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.75 ERA).




THIS ONE WAS REALLY CLOSE. Which is what I can always get away with saying in a tie I guess, so I am saying it here. X-Rayz took the hitting cats 4-3 (+1 Rs, +4 RBIs) while the Dudes took the pitching cats 3-2-2 (+2 Ks, +1 Save, +2 Ws) but justtttt failed to get there in ERA (X-Rayz take it 3.83 to 3.89). Both teams QS’d in precisely half their starts, the X-Rayz utilized their “very few bats worth keeping” strategy to grab like 47 more ABs than their opponent, and WHEN THE DUST SETTLED we have a tie. What more can I say here really? Uhhh Josh James did the Dudes a real disservice by giving up 4 ER without getting an out. I will say…..that.

Week 3 will see the Bad Dudes hosting the Astoria ‘Topes in that ALWAYS ENTERTAINING matchup, expect some light banter this weekend folks. As for the X-Rayz they are taking on the defending champs and they haven’t lost yet this season and WHO CAN BE SURE if I can say more right now or if I will say more next week (I probably will I was just being lazy this particular time).

What’s Next (Week 3):  Dudes v. ‘Topes (1-0-1 v. 0-2)

X-Rayz @ LTBS (0-1-1 @ 2-0)






This concludes Week Two Review. Thank you for tuning in for Week Two Review, be sure to privately message me my fuckups OR allude to them in the chat with some really dogshit attempt at “humor” (HEROY) OR ignore them and move on with your lives and I will notice them some other time and quietly update this post. Lotta options. Week 3 of 18 (and then the BYB), GOD FANTASY BASEBALL TAKES FOREVS……


2019 Week One Review: “Ughhh These Fucking Things Again” Edition





TWENTY-NINETEEEEEEEEN. On the positive side of things we are perhaps a mere twenty-something weeks from @Doch no longer being champion. That’s positive. On the unfortunate side of things I will need to crank out yanno AT LEAST one of these before tossing in the towel, and WordPress has this really annoying new format that I don’t feel like figuring out right now, and so on and so forth. LET’S SEE IF WE CAN’T STREAMLINE A BIT MORE HUH (I do not give a shit about your key pitching performances)?





Island Beach Bears (YOU HEARD ME) Reluctantly Beat Pacific Beach X-Rayz Because They Respect Them Too Much Not To Try To Do Just That  –  10-2-2


MVP:  Rhys Hoskins  –  Bears Ownership (me) was on hand for two separate Phillies games in the extended Week 1, and Rhys dinged dongs in both, but ownership didn’t actually catch either dong with their own eyeballs. Who can pay attention at these goddamned things.  9/26, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 HRs, 13 RBIs, .514 OBP     


LVP:  Kole Calhoun  The whole streaming bats thing may challenge THIS BLOG all year as I’m unsure how many ABs one must log in a week (in an extended week in this case) in order to be called out for sucking. Surely it will cause this many problems or more for the franchises attempting it. But yea fuck it I’ll give it to Calhoun dong be damned.  2/19, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI, .150 OBP


JROLLs:  Jonathan Villar (1, IBB) ; Kolten Wong (1, PLX)



Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  We are going to try and UPLIFT in 2019, not all doom and gloom when you lose a matchup (for example, none of this [or anything] really matters). So with that in mind let’s start that off by noting not all doom and gloom for the X-Rayz either. Chris Archer looked pretty solid across two starts for the ‘Rayz (not sure that works), which would be a welcome sight for PB after an up and down 2018 that culminated in a 4.31 ERA (6.61 Mar/April, 2.33 May, 6.45 Aug., 2.70 Sept./Oct.) (11 IP, 3 ER, 13 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 2.45 ERA).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Garret Hampson came out and just plain suckedddddd, pre-season hype (written by me BUT ALSO BY OTHERS) be damned (0/14, .000 OBP).


Key To Matchup:  LATE MATCHUP DONGS/SOLID PITCHING. The Bears offense started out slowly but 12 HRs over the last 3 days, aided by 3 in one game from Gary Sanchez (6 total), helped them run away with things in the Rs and HRs (and I guess OBP) cats (puns about Runs and how the X-Rayz run a lot very much intended). Also the Bears won the pitching cats 6-0-1.


What’s Next (Week 2):  Bears @ ‘Topes (1-0 @ 0-1),

X*Rayz v. Bad Dudes (0-1 v. 1-0)






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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Begin A Quest For The Ever Elusive Back To Back Chips With Easy Defeat Of Whatever Dumb Fucking Name Heroy’s Team Chose To Go By  –  8-4-2


MVP:  Cody Bellinger  –  Jesus fuckin’ Christmas Cody Bellinger. Not a great start to the first full year of Life Without Cody, even though I never owned him a full year. But this isn’t about me. But yea FOR FUCKS SAKE MAN hot start/likely 2019’s most ridiculous JROLL, small nod to the extended week but impressive nonetheless.  20/44, 17 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 7 HRs, 18 RBIs, 1 RBI .514 OBP, 1 JROLL     ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP:  Willy Adames  Not the hottest of starts for Willy, a player this team has NO DOUBT vastly overrated if anyone’s asked about him in trade talks. Not that I really suspect anyone’s asked about him in trade talks. I swear I am not implying I did I DIDN’T.  1/20, .050 OBP    ***LVP OF THE WEEK***


JROLLs:  Cody Bellinger (1, LTBS)



Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  Look I know this is supposed to be #uplifting the losers but I don’t want to sugarcoat this one, as this is something I’ve already expressed in person: GREG YOU AREN’T WITTY ENOUGH TO KEEP CHANGING TEAM NAMES BASED ON MATCHUPS. Lets just not, there, shall we. Also Butt Pirates offends me as a man that wishes he was gay. Also it offends Mikey T. ANYWAYZ Mike Trout remains really good so uh sigh of relief there I guess, perhaps go back to a Trout-based team name for the good of us all (11/28, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 5 HRs, 12 RBIs, 1 SB, .581 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Uhh I dunno Walker Buehler looked fairly pedestrian across two starts, take THAT Doch (8 IP, 6 ER, 4 Ks, 1 W 6.75 ERA).


Key To Matchup: BATS. The BDSliderz O was reallllly humming (.387 team OBP) behind Belly and like Domingo Santana (4 HRs, 15 RBIs, 3 SBs) and shit, which ya just hate to see. Really no main contributor had a week I could have thrown in the Fuckup category up there. Heroy’s team/ownership on the other hand FULL of fuckups like Adames and Dozier (2/25) and Eloy Jimenez (0/18) and Heroy (fill this in however you’d like).


What’s Next (Week 2):  LTBS v. Kings (1-0 v. 0-1),

HEROY @ RRF (0-1 @ 1-0)





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MVP:  Charlie Morton Joey Gallo –  Not only did Joey Gallo do his usual thing of drawing walks and hitting dongs and stuff, he also grabbed a teammate’s dong in an outright rejection of Heroy’s hateful team names (see above). And maybe Doch’s. Haven’t decided if I’m going to call Doch a homophobe this season or not (no I probably am). #LoveIsLove.  6/25, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 9 RBIs, .441 OBP     

LVP:  Ramon Laureano   For those keeping in track that’s uhhh AT LEAST 0 for 2 on guys I highlighted in team previews that came out and S’d a D. Yanno not that there is anything wrong with that.  2/17, .118 OBP


JROLLs:  Ender Inciarte (1, BBS) ; Whit Merrifield (1, BBS)



Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  Not all doom and gloom for the Banana Slugs (definitely some doom and gloom) as Whit Merrifield continues to look EVERY BIT a guy that’s better than Starling Marte that didn’t need to have the best prospect in baseball tossed in with him in order to faciliate a trade for said Starling Marte (fuck you Shane) (11/34, 9 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, 3 SBs, .361 OBP, 1 JROLL).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Honestly this is a pretty productive 1/20 and Rojo will definitely not keep a catcher for any considerable length of time but he still gave Yadi 20 ABs and he only got a hit in one of em so YEA Yadier Molina (1/20, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI, .174 OBP).


Key To Matchup:  BANANA SLUG BAT INEPTITUDE. Not even gonna break this bad boy down to the individual level but the facts in this case remain and those facts are:  58 Runs, 14 2Bs, 10 HRs, 49 RBIs, .302 OBPThose were the team numbers for the Slugz batz and all were worst in the Backyard in Week One (Runs they tied with Ocean Gate). And yea, the Renegade Force was better than that and stuff so they won and stuff.


What’s Next (Week 2):  RRF v. HEROY (1-0 v. 0-1),

BBS v. LL (0-1 v. 1-0)






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River City Bad Dudes Outlast East Coast Kings Because Their Pitching Was Bad, Dude (i am so sorry)  –  7-5-2


MVP:  Pete Alonso –  Nice lil debut for this guy, and no I’m not putting him up here because Lobman told me to boost his trade value or something. He just hit a lot of doubles and the Bad Dudes won doubles, is all.  13/34, 6 Rs, 6 2Bs, 3 HRs, 11 RBIs, .432 OBP     

LVP:  Eduardo Rodriguez   I’ll shit on a Red Sawk any chance I get and that’s one thing people might not know about me (no they know), so fuck Eduardo Rodriguez and fuck Ben Affleck and fuck the Patriots and fuck “by CHLOE. Fenway” and fuck Bill Simmons and fuck Barstool and fuck you (I’ve left out Matt Damon here and that is deliberate, the Bourne franchise [not counting the Jeremy Renner one {and probably the last one}] is a treasure).  8 IP, 11 ER, 7 Ks, 12.38 ERA



Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  Welp Christian Yelich is off to a pretty good start if he’s aiming to do the whole “Improve Upon MVP Season” thing (13/36, 11 Rs, 4 2Bs, 5 HRs, 13 RBIs, 1 SB, .489 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Welp Giancarlo Stanton is back to being a (sometimes freak) injury-prone piece of GARBAGE, expect setbacks Dudes fan(s) (2/8, 1 R, .600 OBP).


Key To Matchup:  DISAPPOINTING ACES.  I could talk about the Dudes but they talk about themselves enough. The KINGS however, let’s discuss them. Offense actually looked pretty good in the extended week buttttt piss poor starts from alotta #1s or former #1s. Watching Kershaw fade here is like watching someone pass from bone cancer so HE WAS OUT, Paxton was meh Carrasco sub-meh Syndergaard MEH. All three racked up a lot of Ks but to the credit of the Bad Dudes they needed to do more than that and they failed to.  Berrios looked great though (20.2 IP, 5 ER, 21 Ks, 3 QS, 1 W, 2.18 ERA).


What’s Next (Week 2):  Bad Dudes @ X-Rayz (1-0 @ 0-1),

ECK @ LTBS (0-1 @ 1-0)






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(this would work better if the Bears were in the BBOTW and if some other team that I defeated had some sort of horse-based team name but ALAS that ain’t life)




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Lakehurst Leviathans Reach Twenty Percent Of Their Previous All Time Win Total With Victory Over Last Year’s First Loser, The Astoria Isotopes  –  7-6-1


MVP:  Adalberto Mondesi  –  OH ADALBERTO, polarizing figure in the fantasy world. The guy barely got on base in Week One but JROLL‘d anyway and if that’s what he can do with a sub-.300 OBP he should serve the Leviathans just fine. Finer than Carlos Martinez would AMIRITE?!  9/34, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, 1 SB, .265 OBP, 1 JROLL     

LVP:  Chris Sale    Fuck it let’s hammer a Sawks pitcher once again. Chris Sale the ‘Topes expected MORE from you, and it really wouldn’t have taken much more (they lost ERA 4.85 to 4.75) so shame on you and fuck you I hope you suck all year 🙂 .  9 IP, 8 ER, 5 Ks, 1 QS, 8.00 ERA 


JROLLs:  Adalberto Mondesi (1, LL)


Leviathans Hitter Of Note:  OH YEA JD Martinez is still here, can’t forget about that guy he can hit a baseball a bit MOST UNFORTUNATELY (14/42, 5 Rs, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, .404 OBP).

Leviathans Pitcher Of Note:  GOOD LORD Matthew Boyd what a start sir, I was going to call him “young man” but don’t care enough to look up how old he is ANYONE’S GUESS (6.1 IP, 1 ER, 13 Ks, 1 QS, 1.42 ERA).


Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Can basically repeat whatever I said for JD up there for my main man Khris Davis, the battle for the best K(C)hris Davis is SO over (10/46, 6 Rs, 5 HRs, 10 RBIs, .300 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  Both ‘Topes Rox SP looked good but let’s shout out to German Marquez for earnin’ that $ FOR NOW (13 IP, 1 ER, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.69 ERA).




What can I sayyyyy really, this was a tight battle that came down to Sunday night which we really love here at THA BLAWG cuz yanno that makes for an easy BBOTW pick. I’m sure a buncha shit happened before Sunday Night Baseball but BY THEN the ‘Topes were seeking runs from Nolan Arenado and Charlie Blackmon and they got one from each but that wasn’t enough NOW WAS IT. A triple would also have done. I dunno I’m sure other stuff happened, Ks and QS and ERA were all fairly close on the other side of the ball but IN THE END the team that never wins many games won a matchup against the team that was in the BCS last season. HOW BOUT THEM APPLES. I’ve learned better since the previously named outfit started out 2-0 that one time only to not. win. another. matchup. that. entire. season. So yea NOTHING TO SEE HERE ON TO WEEK TWO…. 

Week 2 will see this thus far unremarkable Lakehurst franchise taking on the Barnegat franchise, FAMILY FOES. Meanwhile the Isotopes will find themselves looking to avoid 0-2 against yours truly, spoiler alert I intend to send them to 0-2. THE BACKYARD FOLKS.


What’s Next (Week 2):  LL @ BBS (1-0 @ 0-1),

‘Topes v. Bears (0-1 v. 1-0)






This concludes Week One Review. Thank you for tuning to Week One Review, be sure to hit subscribe and follow my “insta” and this review was a nightmare so I reserve the right to adjust this ENTIRELY next time. Once I’m done sending angry emails to WordPress people or whatevs. Whatever. Suck it nerdz.

2019 Week One Review: “Ughhh These Fucking Things Again” Edition