2017 June Power Rankings: RIP Chris Cornell Edition

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So Chris Cornell killed himself and that sucks in alotta ways, and the River City Bad Dudes are seemingly (THOUGH ARGUABLY NOT) atop the Power Rankings at right about the halfway point and that ALSO sucks in alotta ways. WHY NOT COMBINE THE TWO? Presented here are the June Power Rankings as well as my PERSONAL favorite Chris Cornell tracks, which will diverge from THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA a bit maybe. I dunno. These were kinda just thrown together somewhat at random but I’ll stand by it. And I probably will have to lead off with Black Hole Sun though just because…..

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1- River City Bad Dudes (5-2-1) – There is certainly room to debate this one, with 3 teams sharing identical records at the top and all sorts of “this one beat this one but lost to that one” type bullshit going on BUT…..until last week the Bad Dudes had not lost since Week 1 so I will give them their due. And there should be no shame in having your only two losses come at the hands of the former co-owners behind the greatest dynasty this league ever has seen or ever will see. There should be no shame in that at all. Plus the lone tie for River City came against last year’s champion. So YEA WHATEVER give em the 1 spot. The Bad Dudes have been getting it done with some “good enough” offensive numbers (Runs 3rd, Doubles 2nd, top 5 in pretty much everything else outside of SBs HILARIOUSLY that part was all true when I wrote it but now that the Bad Dudes have been so BAD thus far in Week 9 this is no longer the case, uhhh 4th in Doubles though?), put together on the backs of Bryce Harper and Giancarlo Stanton and even Jose Abreu, and combining those with surprisingly strong across the board pitching stats (Ks 2nd, QS in a large tie for 2nd, CGs 1st, Ws 1st, Saves 1st, ERA 4th 6th nvm). Thanks due to Marcus Stroman and recently Eduardo Rodriguez for the successes there, blame due to them still rostering Kevin Gausman as to why they aren’t higher up on ERA (UPDATE: DROPPED). Also Danny Salazar, but OVERALL pitching has been pretty solid. In years past we have seen Lobman get aggressive with attempts to upgrade the pitching staff around the trade deadline, WILL BE INTERESTING to see what he will do if that is an area of strength for this team around that time. First the Bad Dudes need to get past the MooniniteZ in Week 9 here.

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #1:  “Black Hole Sun” just because….

This definitely isn’t my favorite Soundgarden song, HELL I probably like some Audioslave songs better than Black Hole Sun, but it is the first Soundgarden song I have ever heard and I have vague memories of watching the music video as like an 8 or 9 year old so here ya go.

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2- Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz (5-2-1) – Our guy the new guy has as strong a claim to a top spot as anyone in the league, as he took over a somewhat historically weak (CAN I SAY THAT WITHOUT BEING SUED?) franchise (outside that one run to the BCS that doomed their demise in this league) and until last week could make the claim that they never truly lost a matchup (with that whole coming in mid-week against the Bad Dudes caveat, also this sentence has had too many parentheses). That all changed last week, but this team has still been humming along. OFFENSE HEAVY has been the name of the game here (Runs 2nd, Doubles 1st, Triples 3rd, HRs 1st, RBIs 2nd, SBs 3rd, OBP 2nd) with just super strong numbers across the board through those 7 categories. Pitching however has been more of a struggle (Ks 9th, QS 10th, ERA 9th) as the team has struggled to find a balance between that side of the fantasy coin and the other. Don’t wanna turn these rankings into a big trade deadline commentary (ONE OF THOSE MIGHT BE FORTHCOMING IN TIME) but it isn’t that hard to look at this team and see a need to improve on one side and not much of a need on the other. HOWEVA some of those stats were no doubt put together by Freddie Freeman and AJ Pollock, both of whom went down with injuries in mid-May. In their absence Lacey Township will rely upon the likes of Michael Comforto, Marcel Ozuna, and Adam Duvall to pick up the power numbers. I haven’t done the historical research on what championship teams fared best by leaning on (outside of my own DYNASTY which leaned upon, like, bullpen) so we will all just have to watch and wait to see if this team can endure offensive cold streaks, if a move is made, if a move is made simply cuz I implied a move should eventually be made, etc. etc. etc.  The BackdoorSliderz are battling the wounded defending champeen OGTFC in Week 9.

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #2:  “The Day I Tried To Live”

THIS however might be my favorite Soundgarden song if I was in the business of picking a favorite Soundgarden song. Which I AM NOT. I like some of their songs, but mostly just always thought Cornell’s voice was the shit, so good fucking luck trying some sort of “Sublime With Rome” type stunt here down the line. Soundgarden with Rome would blow.

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3- Manchester MooniniteZ (5-2-1) – If anyone wants to bitch about the ultimate rankings here SHUT UP because I should be the one complaining, as I have beaten the “top team” once already and plan to be well on my way to doing it a 2nd time for the season series sweep by the time this hits the presses. And HOW have I beaten the Bad Dudes and a bunch of others you ask? EH tough to say. Ks (1st) and HRs (3rd) have been calling cards sameee as last year, haven’t been too shabby in SBs (4th), and we are currently 2nd in Wins and 3rd in ERA, but outside of that this team has survived and thrived by being middle of the pack in most other categories and BACK OF THE PACK in a few others (such as the all-too-familiar-for-my-franchise Quality Starts category, which I still suck at). If you are looking for a team that has won the most games while seemingly not deserving to win as many games my team might be your pick, tis true. Luck you say? WHAT IF I SAY DESTINY? Whatever it is destiny. Also we plan on hitting our stride and ripping off a win streak (a la 2016’s 8 gamer) any day now. IT MAY HAVE ALREADY STARTED IN FACT. The MooniniteZ have the Bad Dudes on tap in Week 9 but you already knew that.

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #3:  “Like A Stone”

So when Audioslave started up I hadn’t thought much about Soundgarden in a while cuz who the fuck would at that point, and this was the first song of theirs that I heard and it kinda reminded me “OH YEA that guy has a kickass voice.” Chris Cornell had a kickass voice. I feel very strongly about that being a fact.

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4- Barnegat Banana Slugs (4-3-1) – The Slugs of Barnegat have, TO THEIR CREDIT, performed admirably in 2017 given all the injuries and suspensions FOR CHEATING they have had to deal with. And I would imagine Brian has whined the absolute minimum possible whining for him throughout the matter, or something. Cuz there was definitely some whining. However the Slugs may now find themselves in a nice position as a team right near the top that is either getting injured folks back or very near the point where they will be getting injured folks back; the longer you can tread water through injuries the better you might be once those injuries pass (there will always be injuries). And the Slugs have done far more than tread water in some categories (3rd in Ks, 2nd in ERA, 2nd in Saves) and far less than tread water in other categories (Runs 9th, Doubles 8th, HRs 9th, RBIs 10th, 4th in OBP howeva). For the Slugs the determination going forward will be figuring out how many of their offensive woes are injury-related and how many point to possible issues with roster construction, as the overall numbers point to them being a little lucky in getting to 4 wins in the early going. However a returning Josh Donaldson and an emerging Jake Lamb just might do a lot to polish away some of the ugliness in those places. The Banana Slugs take on Rojo’s Renegade Force in Week 9 and will be annoyed that I failed to note they are like 3rd in Triples or what have you 🙂

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #4:  “Sunshower”

NOT GONNA LIE never heard this song until they played it on the radio the morning after he passed, but damned if I don’t find it kinda lovely. Have listened to it a few times since then.

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5- Astoria Isotopes (4-4) – Former commish and current guy helming a team that is more competitive than just about anyone expected them to be, LOOK AT T GO. And by T I mean the Astoria Isotopes and by the Astoria Isotopes I guess I largely mean Aaron Judge and Charlie Blackmon. But the Isotopes have been a tough out no doubt about it, combining strong and in some cases LEAGUE LEADING numbers on offense (Runs 4th, Triples 2nd, HRs 2nd [1 behind leader] , RBIs 1st, OBP 3rd)(weirdly last in Doubles) with uhhh a lot of Saves (4th, thank you Greg Holland). The cats I didn’t mention I didn’t mention because they’ve been unremarkable in them, with some blame for pitching woes likely due to the struggles of Jose Quintana and the injury to Cole Hamels and the fact that Jose Berrios is just getting started here. Will be interesting to see where this team is at in a month or two, whether or not the pitching can improve enough to at least compensate for the fact that Judge is (probably) not going to hit 60 HRs. The Astoria Isotopes are taking on the Toms River Titans in Week 9, so yea pitching pitching pitching.

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #5:  “Hunger Strike”

“Hunger Strike” had to get in here somewhere and so it goes in with our most musically-inclined league member, MIKEY T. Mikey T plays guitar left-handed like he is a less pretty Kurt Cobain or something. “Hunger Strike” would be nothing without Chris Cornell yelling “HunGRAAYYYYYYYYY” in the background after Eddie Vedder.

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6- OceanGate Trout Fishing Club (2-3-3) – THIS PAINS ME, but all of you teams that aren’t my team keep losing to this guy so technically he is in the playoffs right now. Shame on you all.  You know who you are. Interestingly enough that part comes from the review I wrote a year ago with the Prince songs and refers to a different team AND YET still relevant for the 6 seed today. You all had a chance to #KeepHeroyWinless and you failed. I know I did my part. And now the OGTFC are currently in the playoffs picture and have certain offensive counting stats to support their ability to rocket up the standings (Doubles 2nd, SBs 2nd, OBP FIRST FOR CRYING OUT LOUD) but maybe not on the defensive end? Can we call it the defensive end? Would be so much easier if I could call pitching “defense.” On the defensive end they are 5th in Saves and 2nd in Holds and that is about the nicest thing I can say. ANYWAYS the good news is Mike Trout just went down for possibly 8 weeks and so did Danny Duffy, although sadly the defending champs dodged a bullet when Gregory Polanco‘s ankle injury turned out to be mild. STILL for the first time in a longgggg time (ever? is it ever? i never know when the hell this league started) we will get to see Greg try and manage a team that DOESN’t have the world’s best baseball player stationed in CF. Will be exciting to see where they are in the July rankings. For now the OGTFC are taking on the Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz in Week 9.

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #6:  “Be Yourself”

Just a nice motivational song, tied in with the team that APPARENTLY needs some motivation given the way they’ve gone about their 2017 season. Now would be a good time to point out that a lot of Chris Cornell’s looks were kinda painful, particularly from the facial hair perspective, but WHO AMONGST US hasn’t had a bad goatee. I know I have.

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7- Point Loma X-Rayz (3-4-1) – TRUST THE PROCESS. The X-Rayz made some noise in spring training when they went out and acquired some power bats but looking at the first half numbers it has kinda been more of the same:  10th in HRs, 9th in RBIs but also 3rd Runs, 2nd Doubles (tied), 1st Triples, 1st SBs. Daniel Murphy has put up great numbers but Chris Davis has underwhelmed, as he currently has one more RBI (UPDATE: 4 MORE RBIS NOW) than Billy Hamilton. And so it is mostly same ole same ole in Odomland, which means relying upon the wheels of Hamilton and others to grab speed cats and runs. On the pitching side the Ks are down from what they were a year ago but this team has been without David Price this entire time; despite that they rank 4th in ERA (plus 3rd in Saves).  And SPEAKING of a year ago, at that time the X-Rayz were 4-3-1. Those that were actually in the league at that time know how that ended, with the X-Rayz surging all the way to the top seed in the second half. The formula is mostly the same BUT WILL THE RESULTS BE? Find out starting Week 9, when the X-Rayz host Q-Tip City.

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #7:  “Fell On Black Days”

“Fell On Black Days” is a good example of a song that I would think might possibly not be all that good if not for Chris Cornell’s voice. Which is kinda the overarching theme here, his voice was an instrument unto itself and it made some songs that might otherwise be shitty less shitty….or even not shitty at all!

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8- Toms River Titans (3-5) – And they AIN’T. DEAD. YET. After starting off 0-4, the Titans have responded by going 3-1 to get right back in the thick of things (everyone is in the thick of things). And I am sure they have been rewarded for their efforts with fewer and fewer annoying trade offers from people seeking pitching upgrades. So YES this team hitched their wagon and continues to hitch their wagon to starting pitching and that has mostly shown in the numbers (QS 1st, Wins 3rd, ERA 1st, a paltry 6th in Strikeouts possibly due to FAILING TO GET YOUR 12) on that side of the fantasy spectrum. Of note is the fact that the Titans are 9th in Saves (with no shot of catching the 8th team) and 3rd in Holds which I am JUST NOW NOTICING, a bit of a Rojo thing going on here and I need to yell about that in future Week Reviews. We can’t have misguided strategy catching on like this. But back to starting pitching uhhh the Noah Syndergaard injury stings a bit and Aaron Nola has missed time but THESE ARE PITCHERS THEY GET INJURED A LOT; speaking of which Carlos Rodon should theoretically make a goddamned start this year so they have that. On the offensive side the Titans have been a bit shakier, 5th in Dongs and SBs and 4th in RBIs but tend to find themselves in the bottom 4 or so in pretty much every other category. Offseason acquisitions Miguel Sano and Francisco Lindor have been great and Anthony Rendon and Carlos Correa have been very good, everyone else MEH. As one of the PRECIOUS FEW owners with multiple titles, Ryan has earned my respect and shall never be counted out by this particular blog provocateur. The Titans take on the ‘Topes in Week 9.

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #8:  “Nothing Compares 2 U” Prince Cover

I realized I almost have gotten through this whole list without throwing the Prince cover that everyone kept playing right after he died in here, which NEEDS TO BE DONE since I did a Power Rankings of all Prince songs about a year ago at this time. So that’s why this is in here….

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9- Rojo’s Renegade Force (3-5) – Rojo’s Renegade Force. Misguided in name and misguided in strategy, HERE THEY REMAIN. Mostly because I will try my best to keep them 9th in the Power Rankings all season, but also because their record allows me to. Rojo’s Renegade Force is LAST in Saves and FIRST in Holds and I didn’t even have to look those up. Let’s see where else they stand out:  an IMPRESSIVE 1st in Runs, HRs 3rd (tied), RBIs 2nd (tied), OBP 5th. RRF got some THUMP to em it would appear, props to Joey Gallo and Nelson Cruz and Paul Goldschmidt and Matt Kemp while he was in Rojoville (since been traded) and now George Springer (was in aforementioned trade). The pitching portion has been a mixed bag (QS 2nd in that 4way tie , CGs 3rd (tied), Ws 4th  but also 10th in ERA 8th in Ks). Michael Fulmer has been pretty good but Johnny Cueto has been okay at best and Corey Kluber has been bad and then injured and now returning from injury. So that covers your pitching staff for the most part. And as usual I FORMALLY DENOUNCE the punting Saves strategy and until I see Rojo grab a bye or something that will continue. NOW HE IS CORRUPTING THE TITANS. Rojo’s Renegade Force take on the Barnegat Banana Slugs in Week 9 and will DEFINITELY lose Saves and will POSSIBLY lose Holds if they ain’t careful and/or if Brian gets smart and grabs a few holds guys. Cuz yanno they are always readily available and can be picked up like for the weekend.

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #9:  “Cochise”

I am partly trying to annoy the group by putting THREE Audioslave songs on here but also I kinda liked Audioslave and I shall not apologize for it. Soundgarden purists like to put ’em down but I think they had some solid songs. Is what I think.

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10- Q-Tip City Morning Wood (2-6) – Oh Shane, our guy the original new guy…. BLAZED into the league with a 2-0 start and it has been depressing to follow along ever since. Six straight losses have hurt the spirits in Q-Tip City but again this is where I need to remind folks, even this SORRY ORGANIZATION is only like a game and a half out of that last playoff spot. Miracles happen every day, Heroy convinced a girl to marry him for example. BACK TO THE MORNING WOOD:  LAST in Runs (by FOURTY EIGHT RUNS which is actually kinda fucking impressive), OBP, SBs, Ws. Last in enough things to where you can see why they are currently in last, is what I am saying here. Also 3rd to LAST in ERA. On the positive sides of things uhhh Ks 4th, QS tied for 2nd, FIRST in CGs.  So fine pitching AT TIMES at least, lead by a surprisingly effective Zack Greinke and an even MORE surprisingly effective and recently acquired Ervin Santana and an expected to be effective yet also recently acquired Carlos Martinez. As far as hitting goes, a lot of guys have been solid but nobody has been all that great is how I would term it. I like Brandon Belt and Yasmani Grandal a whole bunch and would try to acquire them if I had the spots for them. I will say that. Q-Tip City tries to avoid a 7th straight loss when they head to Point Loma to take on the X-Rayz in Week 9. 

TOP CHRIS CORNELL SONG #10:  “Ty Cobb”

Not that into this song at all but IT IS NAMED AFTER A BASEBALL PLAYER. And Shane’s team has baseball players on it. So it works.

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2017 June Power Rankings: RIP Chris Cornell Edition

2017 POWER RANKINGS – MAY EDITION

HERE ARE YOUR POWER RANKINGS FOR MAY. Rankings will focus on observations as well as a perusing of the season stats up to this point, even if I don’t necessarily discuss them for every team because SMALL SAMPLE SIZE. W-L is obviously a factor, H2H is a factor, but none of these are the SOLE FACTOR and if anyone disagrees with that then fucking make your own rankings what do I care. TO THE RANKINGS….

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1-  River City Bad Dudes (3-1)

I hate this because I beat this team but maybe this is just an excuse to point out that I beat this team? 4-D CHESS. The fact is that River City hasn’t lost since Week 1 and none of the matchups since then ended up very close. Couple that with their 2 straight BCS (Backyard Championship Series for you newbies) appearances and you have a deserving # 1 as we head into May. BUT FOR HOW LONG?????   And this is actually where I am going to cut out and Let LOBMAN HIMSELF cut in with his own versions of the rankings, cuz see it REALLY IS that easy to just write your own. (Scroll to the bottom for my 1-10)

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2-  Astoria Isotopes (WHAT) (3-1)

HEY GUYS, Lobman now manning the mic here. SO anyways, the Topes are good now, I guess. After losing the opening week, T’s boys took down 2 playoff teams (Brian & Odom), then edged out the RESURGENT resurgency resurger force in a close one. Really the only thing worth mentioning is the idea that Aaron Judge is A GUY, and Dallas Keuchel is quite a pitcher again. However far this team may go, these are the two guys who will cut the path. ALL IN ALL, a very solid start from a team who’s now added some youth along with the age and experience.

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3-  Manchester Mooninitez (3-1)

As the only team (so far) to beat the #BADDUDES, the Mooninitez really piss me off. That being said, they narrowly beat the defending champ OGFTC to keep him on pace with the top 2 in the 3-1 record crew. The Mooninitez boast potentially the best balance in the league, production wise, so its really no surprise that they’re in the running for best record at this point. Its still early, and its LIKELY that Sean makes a boneheaded mistake to ruin this balance I was speaking on. Anyways, good start!

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4- Barnegat Banana Slugs (2-1-1)

I just wanted to be different from Sean’s power rankings (below), but MAN this guy deserves some plaudits for keeping the ship afloat while amassing some of the more devastating injuries this season. ALTHOUGH its clear that some of his DL guys could be dropped rather easily, the loss of Donaldson, Eaton, and I guess Jon Gray could potentially send many teams to the bottom of the standings. Big ups to Brian for making the moves to stay toward the top of the leaderboard.

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5- Lacey Twp Backdoor Sliders (2-1-1)

New guy Sean, who took over from an alleged pedophile (I just report the facts), has invigorated life into the formerly named 3 eyed fish or whatever. A quickfire trade to land Adam Jones and Jameson Taillon to start his career could bode well for his team’s roster construction, and a narrow victory over the TR Titans keeps the new guy in the middle of the standings for the time being. Things will get tougher in time, but early results have been overwhelmingly positive.

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6-  Point Loma X-Rays (2-2)

The X-Rays decided this year that they were going to add more power to compliment their major speed. So far? Last in homers/RBI, first in 2B/SB. While their .500 record wasn’t the intended target for our commish, adding more balance to your team is never a bad thing, assuming you’re still the best at the thing that made you great. You could only assume that as the season wears on, the X-Rays will continue to shape their team in an effort to get up to the top spot come playoff time.

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7-  Q-Tip City Morning Wood (2-2)

Our second new guy, Shane, started off very well with a beatdown of both the Topes and Fishing club to start the year. If we did a WAY TOO EARLY power rankings, he may of topped the whole DAMN thing. The problem: We don’t. Also, he played two of the tougher teams in consecutive weeks, after playing two equally tough teams the first two weeks. One WHOM does these sorts of things could argue that the Wood’ has had the toughest first 4 weeks in the league to date. I also did no research to back that up, so.. Anyways, the QTC are coming off getting beat up by the ‘Dudes, and will hope to right the ship and now fall behind the pack here as we start the summer months.

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8- Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (0-0)

I could’ve given the Renegade Force this spot here, but the truth is its only a matter of time before Heroy’s defending champions wake up and begin their ascent to the top of the standings. You know it, I know it, we all fuckin know it. May even begin this week in a “Re-Match” (Greg’s word), but whenever it is, the OGTFC hope it happens soon. We all know how things start to get crazy toward late July, when even the best of teams could miss out on a playoff birth, depending on how they start the season.

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9- Rojo’s Renegade Force (1-3) 

The former Resurgence will hope to actually be resurgent in the near future, especially in the pitching area. Their arsenal of “aces” are comprised of 4 ERA’s and higher, along with their innovative strategy of dominating holds landing them 3rd most holds this year. That is not quite the return you want if you’re punting a category to dominate another. I’m just saying. ANYWHO, Rojo’s pitching will improve probably, and his bats have not been bad. Better times are coming the Renegade Force.

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10-  Toms River Titans (0-4) 😦  

Ohhhh 2 time champion TR Titans, why do you run into such horrendous luck? Outside of the week 2 loss to the X-Rays, the remainder of the Titans’ losses have been narrow and painful. Injuries and ineffectiveness on the pitching end, followed by the insistence to roster Byron Buxton (who is awful) have led to a really painful start for a team that would rather not have another painful start. You can still make the argument that they’re one of the more talented teams in the league tho, so a comeback is not out of the question.

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MOONINITEZ MANAGEMENT’S MAY 1-10

1- River City Bad Dudes

2- Astoria Isotopes

3- US, Manchester MooniniteZ

4- Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz

5- Barnegat Banana Slugs

6- Point Loma X-Rayz

7- Q-Tip City Morning Wood

8- OceanGate Trout Fishing Club

9- Rojo’s Renegade Force

10- Toms River Titans

2017 POWER RANKINGS – MAY EDITION

2017 Power Rankings – April Edition/Preseason Predictions

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I just like this picture…..

APRIL.  EVERYONE HAS A CHANCE TO WIN BUT NOT REALLY.  Let’s look at a quick version of power rankings (these things will be monthly going forward) and get a few quick PRESEASON PREDICTIONS. Other blog contributors FEEL FREE to add your own rankings and predictions to this post throughout the week. After Week 1 predictions are considered cheating. Let’s bang these out right quick, THEY WILL BE BRIEF refer to the team previews for my true feelings on your soon to be mismanaged rosters.

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1-  OceanGate Trout Fishing Club (0-0)

The champ returns with a championship roster, made some tweaks but the core here can absolutely repeat and nobody denies this. FORTUNATELY repeating is really difficult. So we have that to hang our hopes on. That and the marriage curse. ALL HAIL THE MARRIAGE CURSE.

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2-  River City Bad Dudes (0-0)

The Bad Dudes limped into the playoffs last year and then righted the ship and damn near went back to back, so they deserve the second ranking here. They also on the sly upgraded their pitching rotation, which historically has given them cause for concern around the trade deadline and forced them into SHADY dealings. Perhaps shady dealings won’t be needed this year (he will do them anyways).

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3-  Toms River Titans (0-0)

LAST YEAR the Now Toms River Titans found themselves with a 1 seed in BSmith’s GOT-themed power rankings, and once can argue their team is even stronger this year (rotation certainly is), but I AM NOT FALLING FOR IT this time. Pitching is too fragile to rest thy laurels on excellent pitching, that being said this team has excellent pitching. Full health from the staff and they might not need much from the offense, and the offense has the pieces to deliver. SLEEPER CHAMP PICK here. But jk I plan on winning.

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4- Manchester MooniniteZ (8-6-2)

I plan on winning. GIMME A FEW MONTHS though to get to the top of the Power Rankings, for now I think we slot in about here.

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5- Point Loma X-Rayz (0-0)

And my former partner in crime slots in about here. Again NOT GONNA MAKE BRIAN’S MISTAKE and place them 10th based on some underwhelming aspects of the roster, because the roster should look vastly different by the end of the year and Odom shall manage to optimum performance.

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6-  Barnegat Banana Slugs (0-0)

The Banana Slugs are just full of potential regression. Just. Full of it. HENCE SIXTH. But also they have enough know-how and enough Josh Donaldson and I ADMIT IT enough Trevor Story to get back to the big dance that is the Backyard League playoffs.

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7-  Astoria Isotopes (0-0)

It PAINS ME to say this but I think I like the Isotopes offseason maneuvers as much as just about any team in the league that isn’t Ryan’s team. Not sure why everyone feels the need to always trade Freddie Freeman but at least the ‘Topes got a non-horrifying return, in their return. And I like most of their other offseason moves. STILL RANKED SEVENTH.

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8- Forked River Three-Eyed Fish (0-0)

It also pains me to not rank the 3EF 10th, because they CLEARLY picked up Francisco Liriano as a personal attack towards me and I will not allow Mikey T to tell me differently. This is a call to arms for all of the 3EFs opponents to drop them to 0-4 so I can drop them to 10th on the May Power Rankings.

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9- Rojo’s Renegade Force (0-0) 

ROJO’S RENEGADE FORCE.  I am a fan of the name change, he recognized he had one year to make a Resurgence happen and it didn’t happen and now we move on. It appears the Renegade Force has a very tight knit group, that is the only possible explanation for the QUIET offseason over there in Rojo land. April Power Rankings will forever be unkind to the quiet offseason.

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10-  Q-Tip City Morning Wood (4-12) 

Shane embarks on his maiden voyage following a MAJOR overhaul to the roster, and only Brian (and possibly Lobman) can speak to his weekly management style so TIME SHALL TELL. I think he is a nice fella and I wish him the best but I also disapproved with just about every one of his trades, SUCH IS LIFE.

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PRESEASON PREDICTIONS

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AMERICAN DIVISION CHAMP:  Toms River Titans

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NATIONAL DIVISION CHAMP:  OceanGate Trout Fishing Club

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CHAMP CHAMP:  ME MOTHERFUCKERS

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BACKYARD MVP:  Nolan Arenado 😉

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BACKYARD CY YOUNG:  Clayton Kershaw boringly enough

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BACKYARD ROY:  Andrew Benintendi

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BACKYARD BIGGEST BUST:  YULI GURRIEL FUCK YOU MIKE

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BACKYARD BIGGEST SLEEPER:  Kevin Kiermaier

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Best of luck to all and thank fucking god baseball is back…….

2017 Power Rankings – April Edition/Preseason Predictions

2017 Troll Series, Vol. 1: Power Rankings – Tying Up Political Loose Ends Edition

Well, my friends, its 2017. 2016 has left us, as has our dignity, sense of American pride, and inevitably certain inalienable rights that are SURE to be taken from us when our fascist neo-con piece of garbage PEOTUS comes to power in mere days. But fear not. 2017 is a better year for this group, as another season is upon us. I do need to exercise some of the demons that the last half of 2016 presented to me, which left me a sad and broken man on New Years Eve this year. These power rankings to begin 2017 will make us all think, and therefore possibly better. Or maybe even worse. Whatever, here are your rankings:

(Note: Just jokes guys…)

  1 . OceanGate Trout Fishing Club

The Candidate: Donald Trump

Yes, yes, we have to start with the champ. Greg Heroy’s horrendously named club withstood all comers to win his FIRST championship in the league, and I guess the league is better for it. The parallels are basically perfect with our newly elected president and current champ: Both horrendous racists, both completely winging it in policy, both likely to have important members of their teams killed during their reign (RIP JOSE). No matter what we think of these guys, they won 2016.

As for the FC, they had a pretty excellent season. Offensively, they were clearly the best offensive team in the league, while having JUST ENOUGH pitching to win close matchups. There’s no question that Heroy still boasts a very young and talented offensive core, but will no doubt need to shore up the pitching staff if he wants to repeat as champ in 2017.

  1. River City Cuban Missiles

The Candidate: Hillary Clinton

Both historically successful and wildly unlikable, there are again some pretty decent comparisons with the runners up in both the league and the election. The Missiles had an incredibly uneven campaign, marred by slight missteps and scandals, but still somehow continued to barrel through the competition to face the OGFC in our championship game. Hillary (although more of a favorite) had much of the same situation. The league and the country supported change, and that’s what they got.

The Missiles had what many would call a down year by any standards, so the sheer fact that they made the title game should be considered a huge success in hindsight. Still relying on power numbers and strikeouts, the Missiles made some trades to get younger in areas, which can certainly help them address some questions and become more well-rounded as we head into 2017.

FROM THIS POINT, YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO ALL GO WITH ME ON THESE COMPARISONS

Image result for Marco Rubio Funny Face

  1. Point Loma X-Rays

The Candidate: Marco Rubio

Despite the fact that he was a part of the 3 time championship run, I consider Odom’s X-Rays to be somewhat of an upstart in this league. In terms of ideas and strategy, they quickly established themselves as a key player during the stretch run, much like our boy Rubio. When it really mattered (the playoffs), both Odom and Rubio showed to be slightly out of their depth, as they were quietly silenced in short order. FRET NOT, Point Loma fans, this team is for real. As Rubio is establishing himself to be a strong Republican influencer and potential opposition to Trump in 2020, Odom will continue to wheel and deal his way into relevance in 2017.

  1. Main Street Mooninitez

The Candidate: Bernie Sanders

I mean, I gotta give a little love to Sean here for basically mirroring the man he supported this year. The Mooninitez certainly felt the BERN in the regular season, working their way to the 2 seed and becoming a very much feared opponent for any team competing for the title. The problem with both Bernie and Sean was while their messages were strong and they had a nice following, they both fell to much stronger opposition when it mattered most. Maybe they were both too stubborn and one-note in their strategies, or maybe what they were doing grew stale over the course of the season. Maybe they just choked. Either way, Bernie created a movement, something which the Mooninitez would love to carry on into 2017 for some playoff success.

  1. Barnegat Banana Slugs

The Candidate: Ted Cruz

Despite the fact that they do NOT share one consistent political ideology or belief, there’s probably no better match in 2016 than the Slugs and the human representation of slug, Ted Cruz. Both Smitty and Cruz could be considered by some to be pretty pompous or sometimes a bit smug, but there’s definite genius there. Up and comers from a few years ago, the Slugs have really become a team to be taken seriously, most recently reaching championship game status in 2015 and debunking the vaunted RUNNER UP Curse ©. Ted Cruz shares a similar path, going from freshman senator to legitimate presidential candidate in relatively short order. Both took the L pretty hard to end their respective seasons, but neither are going away anytime soon.

Image result for ben carson

  1. Rojo’s Resurgence

The Candidate: Ben Carson

Look, we can’t all be winners. The Resurgence had a few years of some really forgettable seasons, so the beginning of 2016 showed signs of a … resurgence … of sorts. Our favorite village idiot neurosurgeon/HUD secretary (?) also shared a very strong start to 2016. Both showed to be players in their respective races, but somehow in the middle of their competition, things sort of fell apart. For the Resurgence, it may have been the apprehension to make the big deal or take a risk. For Carson? I would say it was basically the words that came out of his mouth. Or the fact that he thought the pyramids were for grain storage. Or the idea that cavemen and dinosaurs were friends or whatever. Either way, neither the Resurgence or Benny Boy were much of a factor come crunch time. The hope is that Rojo will find a way to take his team to the next level in 2017, while Carson will begin his 2017 by doing something he’s woefully unqualified to do. I’m not going to say there’s a comparison there.

  1. Pine Lake Punchouts

The Candidate: Jeb Bush

If winning is in the blood, then the McLaughlins are this league’s answer to the Bush family. Sometimes you’re a GHW Bush (Ryan’s first title, followed by a big drop), sometimes your G dubs (Sean’s part in a 3 peat that we all know he had no part in). Sometimes you’re just JEB. Jeb was a candidate who at the beginning looked to be the frontrunner, with the pedigree and history to think that he’d be a lock for the nomination. Drawing parallels, the Punchouts had the league’s best collection of pitching coupled with strong offensive pieces. The issue with both was unclear, but both Jeb and the Punchouts went down without so much as a whimper in the end. Please Clap.

  1. Springfield Isotopes

The Candidate: Chris Christie

Basically the physical opposite of Chris Christie, Topes owner Mikey T talks a very hard game and tried all season to flex his muscle as commish. Both Christie and the Topes came off as hard-talking authoritarian types, only to end up failing large and looking small at the end. While Christie is used to losing before the playoffs (politically speaking), the Isotopes missed the playoffs for the first time in their league history, which means River City are now the ONLY team to never miss the playoffs. Just thought I’d throw that in there. ANYWHO, the futures for both are up in the air. Christie will most likely become Emperor Cheeto’s coffee maker, but what can we expect from Mikey T and his Isotopes in 2017?

  1. Club Going Up on Altuve

The Candidate: Rand Paul

Rand Paul is a totally irrelevant politician, which exactly how I view Connor’s team naming and roster construction. Other than that? I mean, neither were all that successful with anything in 2016. Moving on.

  1. Whitestone Bulldogs (NOW MORNING WOOD)

The Candidate: Carly Fiorina

In the spirit of the effort Cliff put into his 2016 season, I have put that much effort into picking Carly Fiorina as his candidate. None of it matters, because he’s gone now. But our new friend SHANE is here to get this team out of the doldrums. And hey, regardless of whether you liked his 2 trades shortly after taking over the team you gotta love the fact that he’s actually making moves. I’ll miss Cliff, but the time was right to let him go, as was the time that Ms. Fiorina left the presidential race. There.

-Mike

2017 Troll Series, Vol. 1: Power Rankings – Tying Up Political Loose Ends Edition

Postseason Power Rankings — aka September Edition

Oh if you insist Brian.  IF YOU INSIST.  Although I have a lot of issues with that ‘shopped hair situation you set me up with there.

September 1st.  SEVERAL games into the First Round of the Backyard League Playoffs and the perfect time to throw up a Power Rankings that spits in the face of the playoff standings and such.  This will be the last Power Rankings of the 2016 Backyard League season, as the next top spot will be decided once someone wins that coveted cup currently collecting dust in Lobman’s River City armoire thingie (feels more like you guys are in Manchester to me but the post office disagrees and who am I to pick a fight with them).  Each Power Ranking ends with its own custom all caps sentence, since I tend to use all caps too much as is.  Getting it all out of my system and such.  ANYWAYS, yea the next Power Rankings will be the 2016 Champion as #1 and everyone else as #10.  Nature of the beast.  On to the rankings……

1- Point Loma X-Rayz (12-6-2)

A cinderella story if I have ever seen one, Odom’s much-derided-in-the-preseason storms all the way back to take the top spot in the final 2016 Power Rankings.  Truly a heartwarming tale.  As mentioned within other places within this blog, the X-Rayz ended up here by ripping off a 7-2-1 record over their final 10.  Which would be the second best mark in the league over that stretch (I assume).  What’s most impressive about Odom’s rise to the top is, as always, the embrace of an unconventional style:  in terms of overall season numbers this team is DEAD LAST BY A LONGSHOT in HRs, RBIs, and OBP but manages to still end up 5th in the league in Runs.  They then further negate some of those negatives with Doubles (3rd), Triples (1st), Steals (1st), Strikeouts (2nd), and Wins (4th).  Intriguingly, they also manage to 5th in Quality Starts despite having the 3rd Worst Team ERA.  Some of this points to some heavy revisions to the roster that righted the pitching staff a bit, but most of this TO ME just points to Odom’s ability to adapt to what is needed to win a matchup.  This makes them a dangerous team despite sometimes appearing to be less than that on paper, and this is why they are the #1 seed both in the Playoffs and the Power Rankings.  HOPE TO REUNITE IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP MY GOOD FRIEND.

2-  Main Street MooniniteZ (12-7-1) 

And the single best record over the 2nd half of the season goes to this particular franchise, I PRESUME.  The MooniniteZ went 8-2 over their final 10 games, however those 2 losses came in their last 3 whereas the X-Rayz won their last 3 and BOOM that’s the difference and thats why the MooniniteZ are home right now…….AS THE SECOND BYE (instead of the first).  You don’t win 8 in a row in this volatile league without solid overall season numbers backing you and the MooniniteZ certainly have some of those:  Runs (2nd), Triples (3rd), HRs (2nd), RBIs (2nd), Steals (4th), OBP (4th), Strikeouts (1st), Wins (3rd), Saves (1st), Holds (4th), ERA (2nd).  You also don’t win that many in a row without a bit of luck, which is why the MooniniteZ were lucky to survive a few matchups despite ONCE AGAIN really pacing the league in fewest Quality Starts (9th but very much started a lot more pitchers throughout the year than the 10th place Punchouts).  If there’s one thing that concerns the MooniniteZ heading into the playoffs it has to be that QS stat, which can have a cascading effect on the rest of the starting pitching cats in a given week.  That being said Sean (THAT’S ME) will be looking to make some noise in his first go-round of the playoffs post-dynasty, and one has to admit the team has seemingly demonstrated the ability to win TWO MEASLY GAMES IN A ROW in order to take the Cup home to Main Street.  BEST OF LUCK TO THIS TEAM IN THEIR PLAYOFF ENDEAVORS.

3-  Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (11-7-2)

The raw numbers for the OGTFC this year are impressive, so impressive in fact that one has to wonder why Heroy couldn’t stumble his way into anything higher than the #4 seed in the playoffs.  Let’s have a look shall we:  FIRST in Runs, Doubles, HRs, RBIs, OBP.  So basically that’s like all of the offensive cats.  THIRD in Saves and ERA.  So basically that’s two of the pitching cats (1+1=2).  And yet the OGTFC finished 4th overall and never put together a win streak as impressive as the MooniniteZ and HEY THAT MATTERS.  Winning the championship does in fact require a win “streak” of at least two games, and because of the OGTFC’s early season hiccups it will require 3 games for them.  Strikeouts (8th) and QS (7th) were two categories that the Fishing Club struggled with this year, but with the rest of the numbers being what they were these two cats should have been easily overcome and yet they were not.  That being said this team is obviously quite dangerous, as equipped as anybody else to make a run and grab themselves a championship.  SO LONG AS TEAM OWNER GREGORY HEROY CAN STAY OUT OF HIS OWN WAY FOR A FUCKIN’ CHANGE.

4- Barnegat Banana Slugs (12-8)

Such a ranking no doubt chaps the ass of the Banana Slugs (if slugs even have asses), but life is a series of small sleights and I don’t even consider this to be one of those.  The Banana Slugs had a shot at a bye down to the very last week of the regular season, but they needed a bit of help (an X-Rayz loss) and clearly they didn’t get it and so here they are.  In spite of that, Barnegat should already consider this season a bit of a success of sorts as they have LIFTED the The Runner Up Curse ™  and ended the year tied for the most wins with 12.  Knowing Brian he won’t be content with this, making his way to the championship game last season and coming up short means he wants to make it there again that much more.  And he’s got a chance!  Which is something no other previous year runner up could ever really say!  And the numbers back it up!  Runs (3rd), Doubles (4th), Triples (2nd), OBP (2nd), QS (3rd), and Wins (2nd) are all categories where the Slugs have shown they can hang with pretty much anyone and the Cuban Missiles will be wise not to take the Slugs lightly in Round 1.  Not that they ever do, because it’s a blood feud and all.  IT’S JUST A SHAME ABOUT TREVOR STORY’S THUMB AND ABOUT WHATEVER THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH RICH HILL’S PHALANGES.

5-  Rojo’s Resurgence (11-8-1) 

Ohhhh Rojo.  Rojo you and your Resurgence.  After jumping out into first place and delighting Backyard League fans with their feel-good story, the Resurgence started to collectively feel bad and also hit bad and pitch bad or SOMETHING.  And it has been a slow crawl back to the middle ever since then.  The Resurgence opened the year 8-2, only to end the season on a 3-6-1 run.  So sort of a REVERSE MOONINITEZ if you will, and it’s far better for your fantasy team’s performance to peak later rather than earlier.  Lil somethin’ I learned in the midst of winning back-to-back-t0-back championships from 2011-2013.  Good times.  Good……times.  Uhh anyways, lost my place here but ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST for the Resurgence.  They still have enough skills to make some noise in the playoffs, in spite of their dumb saves punting strategy (if you are gonna punt something punt holds man).  Some positive looking season ranks for the Resurgence:  Runs (4th), RBIs (4th), Strikeouts (4th), QS (2nd), CG (1st with an IMPRESSIVE 12), Wins (1st), Holds (1st WHOOP DE FUCKING DOO).  And now a look at some negative numbers that might help explain the 2nd half record regression:  Doubles (8th), Triples (8th or 9th depending on how I’m supposed to view Lobman/T being tied in 10th), OBP (9th), and also Saves LAST because duh.  On the positive side, the Resurgence was third in Moves this year (Odom and Lobman in 1st and 2nd respectively) which shows a willingness to shake things up if needed.  This may come in handy in the Backyard League Playoffs, when shakeups are quite often needed.  I STILL BELIEVE IN THE RESURGENCE AND WISH THEM THE BEST OF LUCK IN ANY MATCHUPS THAT DON’T INVOLVE ME.

6-  River City Cuban Missiles (9-8-3) 

Ohhh, Livan Hernandez.  I mean Lobman.  For some reason I had the 1998 Marlins on the mind and that is just the strangest thing.  But anyways and in fairness, the Cuban Missiles have put to bed the ’98 Marlins talk by ALMOST RELUCTANTLY deciding to join the rest of us in the 2016 Backyard League Playoffs.  This TECHNICALLY gives the Missiles the chance to defend their crown and become only the second franchise ever to win back-to-back championships, which would be a far greater accomplishment than creating life.  Just about everyone can do that shit.  Regular season numbers in Mike’s favor as he attempts to retain the cup:  HRs (3rd), RBIs (3rd), Strikeouts (3rd, now seems like a good time to mention Mike and I may have skewed our numbers a bit here by starting a LOT of starters that one week BUT HEY I WAS IN FIRST ALL YEAR), QS (4th), Holds (3rd, but Edwin Diaz ain’t walking back through that door).  Numbers that would seemingly oppose Lobman repeating as champion:  Doubles (10th), Triples (t-10th), Steals (8th), OBP (8th), Saves (9th only because it would be impossible to be worse than Rojo), ERA (9th).  So MY POINT HERE IS, the Cuban Missiles are a bit unpredictable.  They had a few things going right for them in the regular season, and they are the defending champeens and all, but they also had PLENTY of things going plenty wrong all year.  Lobman knows how to work a roster in the playoffs so I can’t put a repeat past them, but I also can’t promise they don’t just end up losing to the Banana Slugs in Round 1.  THIS WAS MY BEST #ANALYSIS BLURB THUS FAR BUT ALSO IT WON’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS FOR THE LAST THREE TEAMS SO YEAH THIS WILL BE MY BEST SAD ISN’T IT.

7-  Springfield Isotopes (8-9-3) 

THE HOTTEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE, however I still can’t justify putting a non-playoff team over a playoff team in the September Power Rankings.  Would feel dirty.  If I COULD however, who knows the Springfield Isotopes might have shot all the way to 2nd.  The ‘Topes went from having an embarrassing 4-9-3 record to ripping off 4 straight wins, putting a scare in the #6 seed Cuban Missiles and defeating the then-number-one-seed MooniniteZ in Week 20.  These wins weren’t cheapies either, as the ‘Topes offense looked legitimately improved over the last month or so of the season.  A few of the overall numbers still point to a team that struggled for much of the year, however:  Runs (7th), Triples (t-10th), HRs (9th), Steals (10th), Wins (9th), ERA (10th).  2nd in saves and holds though!  And yes I am cherry-picking data a bit throughout all of these but in my defense I DON’T WANNA FUCKING LIST THEM ALL OUT.  Check em for yourselves people, and let it be said that none of this cherry-picked data can take away from the fact that the Isotopes put together an exciting run at the end of 2017 and nearly forced the league into some dystopian 5th tiebreaker for the #6 seed scenarios.  No doubt Mikey T will randomly bring this up a few times during this his saddest fantasy baseball winter, when he confronts missing the playoffs for the first time and being ousted as commissioner all at once.  PRAYERS UP FOR MIKEY T.

8- Pine Lake Punchouts (7-13)

Record schmecord, despite having the 9th worst record in the league in 2016 I can put Ryan’s Punchouts no lower than eighth.  FOR I AM THE KING OF CONTROVERSY.  The other more legitimate reason here is that Ryan absolutely conceded the final two weeks of the season, and accidentally conceded the week before by failing to start 12 against the Resurgence and then being punished for his insolence by narrowly losing the strikeouts cat.  The other even more legitimate reason is track record:  simply put Ryan has one and the others below him do not.   There’s a well-documented history of Ryan’s team either performing horribly and missing the playoffs or winning the championship (like a more sporadic San Francisco Giants), and with so much bad luck involved with his pitching staff I wouldn’t bet against Ryan being right back in the thick of the championship hunt in 2017.  In spite of the pitching woes,the Punchouts finished 2nd in CGs with a slightly less impressive than Rojo’s total but still impressive 9 CGs on the season.  They also finished 2nd in doubles, but the rest of the numbers paint a less rosy picture for Ryan’s 2016 team:  Runs (8th), HRs (9th), RBIs (8th), *Strikeouts (9th), *QS (10th), *Wins (8th), Holds (9th).  BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PICK A FEW OUTFIELDERS AND MOVE ON FROM THE REST.

*(would be remiss if I didn’t mention that a refusal to start very many pitchers over the final 2 weeks likely played into this.  Particularly QS, the MooniniteZ are still the kings of the bad QS numbers and don’t you people forget it.)

9-  Bad Drake Puns (7-11-2) 

The Bad Drake Puns continued on a two year path of ineptitude following their SURPRISE rookie season run to the championship game, a run that sadly ended the Backyard League’s first and only dynasty SEE ARTICLE BELOW FOR A FOND LOOK BACK 🙂 .  Anyways, and although not quite as bad as their name sake, the BDP never really threatened as a legit playoff contender despite keeping themselves closed in the race until about Week 18.  Those looking for the WHY that don’t just stop at blaming Connor’s face can look no further than the season standings sorted by Runs, in which the BDP come in 9th ahead of Cliff’s Bulldogs and Cliff’s Bulldogs alone.  Similar struggles in Doubles (9th), HRs (8th), and RBIs (9th) paint the picture of a team that just wasn’t quite built strongly enough to compete over the painstakingly fucking long fantasy baseball season.  It wasn’t all bad news for the BDP, as the team lead the league in QS and ERA and trailed only the X-Rayz in steals (by A LOT).  Going forward one has to wonder what the future of this team is in this league, and if they dare return with the same team name.  AND STOP RUNNING SOME SHITTY OTHER LEAGUE CONNOR THAT’S FORBIDDEN IT’S SOMEWHERE IN THE LEAGUE BYLAWS BSMITTY FELL IN LINE SO YOU FUCKING FALL IN LINE.

10-  Whitestone Bulldogs (4-16) 

Last time I did these rankings I shit you not Cliff was coming off a victory.  Since those last rankings Cliff lost 4 straight matchups through various degrees of don’t-give-a-shit and now he will absolutely be replaced heading into 2017.  So at least FOR ONE GLORIOUS SEASON Mikey T gets his wish to have the worst team kicked out of the league each year.  A fitting farewell present for a highly decorated but also disgraced commissioner.  BUT ANYWAYS YEA THANK YOU FOR NOTHING CLIFFORD.

And that, my friends, is the finale installment of the 2016 Power Rankings.  I thank my loyal reader for following along with us all season long, and that loyal reader is me.  THANK YOU TO ME.

Thanks, me ❤
Postseason Power Rankings — aka September Edition

Power Rankings— August(us) Edition

Bronze Head of Augustus
“Have I played the part well?  Then applaud as I exit” —Augustus’ famed last words

August 1st.  4 games to go until the playoffs begin.  And to my dismay, it is very hard to list the Power Rankings as anything other than a straightforward rundown of the current standings.  However some teams have played better than others ahead of them, and some resurgences have regressed to the mean and that is reflected here.  But by and large the current standings are the current rankings.  DEAL WITH IT, I don’t know what to tell you people.  I WILL tell you that some teams have played the part of “potential playoff participant” well and now we should applaud as they exit, and look towards deals that might strengthen their teams into the future.  DYNASTY FORMAT, UNCHARTERED TERRITORY FOR THE LEAGUE, etc. etc. etc.  Trade deadline is this Friday.  On to the rankings……

1-  Main Street MooniniteZ (10-5-1)

YOUR TOP TEAM FOLKS.  The MooniniteZ have not lost a matchup in the past 2 calendar months (7-0-1 in their last 8).  But August is a new month, and it opens with the Moonmen on Main St. putting a 7 game win streak on the line against the last team to hand them an L (weed joke somewhat intended).  And it was a particularly ugly L, perhaps the VERY catalyst for this VERY IMPRESSIVE win streak that followed shortly thereafter.  League historians should no doubt recall a far more impressive win streak orchestrated by the F’in Freight Trains (aka the greatest champion in league history) 3 years ago, when the Freight Trains turned 3peat Offendaz went from 2-3 to 16-3 before pausing the streak to tie in Week 20 and then unpausing to capture their third straight championship (ironically with another tie, HEROY REMEMBERS).  It is somewhat fitting that team’s co-managers will meet now, but also not really.  Really this was just an excuse to celebrate that historic championship franchise and highlight the fact that the co-managers shall be playing this week.  P motherfuckin’ S they shall be playing with 1st place very possibly on the line (an X-Rayz win coupled with a Slugs loss puts the X-Rayz in first, a MooniniteZ win keeps them in first cuz duh).

2-  Barnegat Banana Slugs (10-6) 

The Slugs of Barnegat are coming off a brutal loss by a razor-thin margin to the Cuban Missiles, thanks to the Reds bullpen of all things.  The Reds barely even have a bullpen.  But ANYWHO, Brian can take solace in the knowledge that even if they had won last week I would not have awarded them the top spot in the Power Rankings.  Because SEE ABOVE.  Brian can also take solace that he is all but assured of breaking the The Runner Up Curse ™ at this point.  Which is a victory in and of itself.  Time will tell if the Slugs will be satisfied with merely making it into the playoffs, AS SOME OF YOU OTHER SCRUBS SO OFTEN ARE.

3-  Point Loma X-Rayz (9-5-2) 

One could make the case that the X-Rayz deserve the 2nd seed here, coming off 2 straight wins with a tie before that.  HOWEVER that tie was to that mess of a team out in Springfield, and the Banana Slugs had won 3 straight prior to a narrow loss to the Missiles in Week 16 and whatever it was a coin flip and Odom lost.  The X-Rayz can use this sleight as motivation this week when they attempt to take down this author’s top-ranked team and half their winning streak at 7 games.  ET TU, ODOM?

4- Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (8-6-2)

Behind the Resurgence in standings but ahead of them in momentum, the Fishing Club remains dangerous as always due to that whole “having really good players” trick.  Which is only like 25% of the equation though.  For those curious, the rest of the equation is as follows:  35% roster management, 40% luck.

5-  Rojo’s Resurgence (9-6-1) 

OH HOW FAR, the Resurgence has fallen.  I’m a man of science and the science is all in the numbers and the numbers say the Resurgence only has 1 win in its last 6 games (1-4-1).  This puts them dangerously close to having a team name that is more ironic than anything.  STILL very likely to make the playoffs and STILL could very well grab a buy but STILL…… get it together Resurgers.

6-  River City Cuban Missiles (7-6-3) 

Not since the 1998 Marlins has their been such an underwhelming title defense in baseball.  the Cuban Missiles aren’t that bad but THEY HAVE COME CLOSE, relying more on the subpar play of the teams below them to cling to a chance just the smallest of chances at a proper title defense.  Perhaps they’ll get in there and make some waves.  Perhaps their flimsy life raft will capsize in the waves of some other team, like so many Cuban refugees before them.

7-  Bad Drake Puns (6-8-2) 

It is with NO JOY that I list the BDP as the first of the teams on the outside looking in, although I prefer it to seeing them uhhh on the inside.  It’s no secret that I blame Connor for costing Odom/Me a 4peat, and had we 4peated perhaps I would have retired from fantasy sports to a quiet beach town somewhere and been much happier in life but NO.  Here we are, relying on the maddeningly mediocre Missiles as the team that is keeping Connor out of the playoffs.  Don’t let us down, Mike.

8- Pine Lake Punchouts (6-10)

A simply DEVASTATING late night defeat to the Bulldogs and a fairly difficult schedule down the stretch have the Punchouts really up against the wall.  SAD! as Ryan’s 98 move 2014 champion is the second most impressive league champion in league history, in this author’s humble and correct opinion (full and definitive rankings to come once I somehow hack my way into having access to the older seasons).  ANYWHO Ryan will have to take a long hard look in the mirror ahead of this week’s trade deadline, to see if there’s any deals he can make in order to take advantage of playoff teams looking to put themselves over the top.  PRO TIP:  The Punchouts have had about 8 outfielders too many all season, so those looking for help in that department would be wise to check in between now and Friday.

9-  Springfield Isotopes (4-9-3) 

The Isotopes’ dreadful campaign continued last week with a not particularly close loss to the OG Fishing Club, and maybe they aren’t MATHEMATICALLY eliminated but they are eliminated in everyone’s hearts.  Let us all rejoice that Mikey T no longer has that dumb brag about making the playoffs every year (and then promptly sucking).  Let us all mourn that @Lobman will probably still have that dumb brag even though he doesn’t deserve to.  ANYWAYS This team was 3-2-1 after Week 6 and has since gone an impressively terrible 1-7-2 that would even make Cliff blush.  The only real drama left here is whether or not the ‘Topes take a page from the Yankee playbook and actually concede that it ain’t their year, because if they do there are some “win now” pieces to be plundered from this roster.

10-  Whitestone Bulldogs (4-12) 

Cliff won last week.  Beyond that I have nothing to say.  ANYHOWS, Cliff is mathematically eliminated if my math is correct.  And yet he probably won’t make any trades unless someone has some Mets stashed that he covets.  So that is that.  The Bulldogs may be euthanized this offseason.

Power Rankings— August(us) Edition

Week 15 Power Rankings– All Star Edition

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FIRST…..a programming note.  Following this Power Rankings, all future Power Rankings shall be posted only at the beginning of each month, sort of a post-“insert previous month” Power Rankings format from now until the heat death of the universe.  So your next rankings will be August 1st-ish, your final rankings September 1st-ish.  This is partly (mostly) out of laziness BUT ALSO partly because I think adjusting the Power Rankings after every week is sort of silly.  And the last thing this “blog” needs is silliness…I mean you could argue power rankings in general are sort of silly but STILL.  We strive for professionalism and truth.

Without further ado, your All Star Power Rankings.  Each team’s All Stars listed after their stupid team names and stupid records.

1-  Rojo’s Resurgence (9-5)

ALL STARS  (5):   Paul Goldschmidt, Johnny Cueto, Corey Kluber, Eric Hosmer, Steven Wright.

2-  Barnegat Banana Slugs (9-5) 

ALL STARS  (8):   Max Scherzer, Starling Marte, Adam Duvall, Jake Arrieta, Josh Donaldson, David Ortiz, Brad Brach, Zach Britton.

3-  Main Street MooniniteZ (8-5-1) 

ALL STARS  (12):   Matt Carpenter, Nolan Arenado, Aledmys Diaz, Kenley Jansen, Ben Zobrist, Dexter Fowler, Edwin Encarnacion, Eduardo Nunez, Michael Saunders, Andrew Miller, Alex Colome, Kelvin Herrera (Addison Russell and AJ Ramos in spirit).

4- Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (7-5-2)

ALL STARS  (12):   Buster Posey, Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, Corey Seager, Jose Fernandez, Julio Teheran, Fernando Rodney, Ian Desmond, Mookie Betts, Aaron Sanchez, Marco Estrada, Mike Trout.

5-  Point Loma X-Rayz (7-5-2) 

ALL STARS  (3):   Wade Davis, Dellin Betances, Craig Kimbrel (Wil Myers in spirit).

6-  River City Cuban Missiles (6-5-3) 

ALL STARS  (3):   Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, Xander Bogaerts (Aaron Sanchez in spirit).

7-  Bad Drake Puns (6-7-1) 

ALL STARS  (7):   Wil Myers, Drew Pomeranz, Jonathan Lucroy, Mark Melancon, Jose Quintana, Jose Altuve, Mark Trumbo.

8- Springfield Isotopes (4-7-3)

ALL STARS  (5):  Wilson Ramos, Jon Lester, Miguel Cabrera, Robinson Cano, Cole Hamels.

9-  Pine Lake Punchouts (5-9) 

ALL STARS  (7):   Clayton Kershaw, Marcel Ozuna, Carlos Gonzalez, Brandon Belt, Chris Sale, Will Harris, Matt Wieters……who hasn’t had a turn with Matt Wieters though…..that little slut.

10-  Whitestone Bulldogs (3-11) 

ALL STARS  (11):   Daniel Murphy, Yoenis Cespedes, Noah Syndergaard, Jeurys Familia, Bartolo Colon as a joke, Addison Russell (THIEF), Madison Bumgarner, Jay Bruce, Salvador Perez, Danny Salazar, Francisco Lindor.

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Enjoy the All Star festivities and the brief fantasy break and then the TEN DAY WEEK 15 MATCHUP and observe our digital dongs, everybody…..
Week 15 Power Rankings– All Star Edition