2019 POWER RANKINGS: JUNE EDITION (NOW WITH MIDSEASON AWARDS CUZ I AM LAZY!)

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I used this for May and lost like the entire month but WHATEVS….

 

 

AND LO, I have more to write this week. And so I shall write it right now. And it shall be right. We gotta get to the June Power Rankings but ALSO I should get some Mid-Season Awards in here but ALSO I don’t feel like predicting which owner will die before the season ends (Doch) or which team will win the championship (maybe Doch’s) or whom has the hottest relative (definite not Doch) and all that shit. Awards shall be all business because I am a mature, non-pretentious, adult man. Let’s do those real quick:

(All stats through 06/03/19 I think….)

 

FIRST HALF ROY:  Pete Alonso (RCBD)  –  56/213, 34 Rs, 12 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 19 HRs, 44 RBIs, .335 OBP

honorable mention:  Chris Paddack (BBS)

 

FIRST HALF ROLAIDS RELIEVER OF THE YEAR:  Kirby Yates (BBS)  –  26 IP, 3 ER, 45 Ks, 22 Saves (0 BS), 1.04 ERA

honorable mention:  Roberto Osuna (LTBS)

 

FIRST HALF IMMODIUM BEDSHITTER RELIEVER OF THE YEAR:  Craig Kimbrel (ECK)  –  HE’S JUST SITTIN’ THERE…

honorable mention:  Pedro Strop (RCBD/PBX/AI/RCBD/LL)

 

FIRST HALF LVP (Pitcher):  Mike Foltyniewicz (LL)  –  38.1 IP, 26 ER, 32 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 6.10 ERA

honorable mention:  Corey Kluber (RRF)

 

FIRST HALF MVP (Pitcher):  Justin Verlander (LTBS)  –  87.1 IP, 22 ER, 103 Ks, 11 QS, 9 Ws, 2.27 ERA

honorable mention:  Hyun-Jin Ryu (IBB/RRF)

 

FIRST HALF LVP (Hitter):  Rougned Odor (RCBD/FA)  –  27/163, 22 Rs, 6 2Bs, 7 HRs, 25 RBIs, 4 SBs, .232 OBP     🙂

honorable mention:  Jose Ramirez (PBX)

 

FIRST HALF MVP (Hitter):  Cody Bellinger (LTBS)  –  79/210, 50 Rs, 13 2Bs, 1 3B, 20 HRs, 52 RBIs, 7 SBs, .462 OBP

honorable mention:  Christian Yelich (ECK), Adalberto Mondesi (LL)

 

 

AND LO, there’s your MIDSEASON AWARDSThey are a better effort than last season because last season’s MIDSEASON AWARDS was just a bunch of pictures of a dead dog so at least I’ve improved since then. We must always strive to be a bit better than our last shitty attempt at something. Write that down. And ON TO THE JULY POWER RANKINGS:

 

NEW FEATURES ALERT:  Shall be noting Top Hitter First Half MVP and Top Pitcher First Half LVP (never mind ESPN kinda kills LVP with no active stats #TeamFantrax) for each squad, one for Hitters and Pitchers which is generous of me because I don’t want to stare at your fucking teams for too long I have other things to stare at (projected starters because half my bats sit against lefties). AGAIN shall be withholding my unnecessary commentary for the teams I currently deem outta the top 6 and thus undeserving of said commentary. Deal with it dog.gif…

 

 

 

#1  –  Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz (9-0)

So I s’pose they’ve won a couple more coin flips since I last called them lucky fucks for winning a few coin flips, and by THAT I mean they’ve mostly rolled through ever since. Let’s see the numbers:  Runs 1st, Doubles 6th, Triples 9th, HRs 2nd, RBIs 2nd, SBs 5th, OBP 1st, Strikeouts 2nd, QS 2nd, CG t-1st, Wins 1st, Saves 3rd, Holds t-8th, ERA 1st, MOVES 3rd. PRETTY DOMINANT GODDAMN LINE THERE (through 9 weeks), one that certainly backs up the flawless record and one that can be thrown in Doch’s face whenever he creeps into your DMs talkin’ all sorts of “always room for improvement” nonsense. There isn’t much room for improvement here, on either side. The staff is anchored by Verlander but getting great #s from Greinke and deGromBuehler is rounding into form, Osuna probably did that shit but all three closers (Holland, Colome) have sub-1 ERAs and double digit Saves (lets just round up with Holland, the passage of time is an illusion). So all of this is unfortunate. The offense discussion can basically begin and end with Cody Bellinger so THAT is what I am going to do. This league wasn’t around for Bonds so the only thing that compares to this was Bryce Harper‘s bonkers 2015 season, whom’s first 2.5 months were sorta similar actually (18 HRs, 42 Rs, 43 RBIs) but still cannot….quite….compare…..to….this:  50 Rs, 13 2Bs, 1 3B, 20 HRs, 52 RBIs, 7 SBs, .462 OBP. The most dominant first 9 weeks The Backyard has ever seen I’m quite certain. WHO WOULDA THUNK IT.

So yea this team is CLEARLY the team to beat, don’t feel like I need to point that out but here we are once again. Fuck them, though.

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Cody Bellinger (79/210, 50 Rs, 13 2Bs, 1 3B, 20 HRs, 52 RBIs, 7 SBs, .462 OBP, 1 JROLL)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Justin Verlander (87.1 IP, 22 ER, 103 Ks, 11 QS, 9 Ws, 2.27 ERA)

 

 

#2  –  Ocean Gate Fishing Club (5-3-1)

Well well well…..IF IT ISN’T, the team I’ve claimed should re-brand as the “LessWithMores”….yanno doing a little bit. At least enough of a little bit to claim the 2nd bye if the BYBracket broke today. Show me the rankings:  Runs 7th, Doubles 2nd, Triples t-4th, HRs 5th, RBIs 6th, SBs 4th, OBP 2nd, Strikeouts 4th, QS t-3rd, CG t-3rd, Wins 6th, Saves 2nd, Holds t-8th, ERA 2nd, MOVES 10th. The offense is weirdly low in Runs and middle of the pack in most other things, I say weirdly because they STILL carry the two best fantasy hitters on the planet (maybe two of the three now, see above) in Mike Trout and Mookie Betts. Even rosier, their dynamic Cubs duo (Rizzo/Bryant) is back to actually being pretty goddamned dynamic after a few up and down campaigns. Josh Bell and Austin Meadows are all of a sudden both awesome and YANNO WHAT now I am mad at these underachievers once again let’s switch to pitching. Pitching is in many ways what sets this team apart from previous Fishing Clubs, as they now have a BUNCHA legit young arms (Glasnow RIP for now but also Luis Castillo, Shane Bieber, Max Fried, Griffin Canning) to pair with Gerrit Cole and a mildly resurgent Cole Hamels and a perhaps even more resurgent Kyle Hendricks. If this team makes some noise this season (and they can start by stopping this ButtSliderz win streak) the resurgent pitching will be behind it, methinks.

I still don’t know how this franchise hasn’t won multiple championships, would require some sort of blog DEEP DIVE, and maybe one day I get to that (very very unlikely) but for now yanno….there’s worse teams to bet on this season (the Banana Slugs).

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Mike Trout (57/188, 43 Rs, 14 2Bs, 14 HRs, 37 RBIs, 7 SBs, .468 OBP)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Gerrit Cole (77.2 IP, 34 ER, 116 Ks, 9 QS, 5 Ws, 3.94 ERA)

 

 

#3  – East Coast Kings (5-4)

APROPOS that I just kinda sorta gushed about a pitching staff for the #2 in the rankings (get it? cuz Greg is a piece of shit) and we now arrive on the team that spent years YEARRRS I TELL YOU as the gold standard pitching staff in the Backyard. Almost to a fault. Well this year they’ve fallen off that a bit, father time being undefeated and all. Well here’s the #s:  Runs 6th, Doubles t-4th, Triples t-6th, HRs 3rd, RBIs 3rd, SBs 2nd, OBP 2nd, Strikeouts 7th, QS t-3rd, CG t-3rd, Wins 5th, Saves 7th, Holds 9th, ERA 4th, MOVES 8th. Hey good thing Yelich is out here absolutely raking huh? Cuz the pitching, while still good, ain’t what it once was. But the hitting has been pretttttttty special, lead by the NL MVP in a world where Cody Bellinger doesn’t exist and by weirdly excellent middle infielders (Gleyber Torres, Ketel Marte, Javier Baez but a lil more expected outta him). Much like the Ravens at the height of the Joe Flacco offense, THE SCRIPT HAS FLIPPED and now hitting is carrying the pitching (really bad reference that offense was terrible). Which isn’t to say that pitching has been TERRIBLE, just perhaps not tops in the leage no mo’. Kershaw Paxton & Price (the world’s sorest law firm) are still good when healthy, Stephen Strasburg has been good in general and THUS FAR healthy. But Darvish is toast, Carrasco was unlucky and now has mono or something, Syndergaard has been a bit unlucky but also a bit worse than he’s ever been (HE IS HARVEYING). Mix that all together with a LAZY bullpen that’s carried by Brad Hand and you have a pitching staff that is vulnerable, which is a shame because the offense doesn’t appear to be.

All in all the East Coast Kings display a balance most teams can merely dream about, so don’t let some negativity over pitcher health make you think I don’t think this team can win it all cuz I do think that so you shouldn’t think I don’t think that I don’t want you thinking that I think that you think that I don’t think they can. I believe in this team more often than not, even when they miss the playoffs and win like 5 games so….yea.

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Christian Yelich (60/192, 46 Rs, 8 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 22 HRs, 49 RBIs, 12 SBs, .425 OBP,  1 JROLL)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Stephen Strasburg (79 IP, 28 ER, 98 Ks, 8 QS, 5 Ws, 3.19 ERA)

 

 

#4  –  River City Bad Dudes (4-4-1)

WHAT can I really say about the Dudes this time? They’re always in it, their offense has been great despite some great players being injured, blah blee blah blee blee blew. STATS ME:  Runs 2nd, Doubles 1st, Triples 8th, HRs 1st, RBIs 1st, SBs 10th, OBP 7th, Strikeouts 6th, QS 5th, CG t-5th, Wins 3rd, Saves 6th, Holds 7th, ERA 7th, MOVES 2nd. So yea just LOOK at that offense. Actually look at everything. Actually there’s a case they should probably have more wins but they don’t and fuck Mike. All those bombs and RBIs are coming with a hurt Stanton and a hurt Pollock (if these are shocking to Dudes ownership that says more about them than anything, though) and also a bit of a ho-hum campaign from Manny MachadoBut Pete Alonso ain’t hurt and Matt Chapman ain’t hurt and Xander Bogaerts is having a helluva year and Bryce Harper hasn’t been ho-hum okay he’s actually been a little bit ho-hum. The pitching rankings are actually most impressive here because I don’t find a single pitcher of theirs impressive. Won’t even talk about them. Marcus Stroman is trash.

ALL IN ALL there is some nice numbers in River City and they probably find a way to make it into the playoffs and after that WHOM KNOWS, like all of these teams on this list it’s more about how everyone is playing in August than how everyone played in May. Also it looks like there will be no Banana Slugs for them to knock out, so that may be a motivational problem.

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Pete Alonso (56/213, 34 Rs, 12 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 19 HRs, 44 RBIs, .335 OBP)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Marcus Stroman (76 IP, 24 ER, 59 Ks, 8 QS, 3 Ws, 2.84 ERA)

 

 

#5- Rojo’s Renegade Force (4-4-1) 

This is one of my FAVORITE rosters in all the Backyard, partly because #FORCE ownership declared in pre-season they would trade their roster for any other roster in the leauge. And now look at em, ACTUALLY KINDA GOOD! Here take a look see:  Runs 3rd, Doubles 10th, Triples 10th, HRs 4th, RBIs 5th, SBs 8th, OBP 4th, Strikeouts 10th, QS t-7th, CG t-5th, Wins t-9th, Saves 9th, Holds 3rd, ERA 3rd, MOVES 7th. Weirdly low energy stuff on the doubles and triples markets but everything else looks fairly lovely to this guy, fair reader. Marcell Ozuna has been downright great and Gallo and Springer were great and are now injured and I believe they can be great again. And Devers just seems to benefit from being a Red Sawk and Goldy should be better and they’re FINALLY getting something out of Victor Robles (i traded him to Rojo 9 seasons ago). KEWT lil offense. And KEWT that they have Hyun-Jin Ryu out there dominating and Charlie Morton being very serviceable and are working through it a bit despite a rough year from Corey Kluber and a seemingly aging Bumgarner and meh TanakaAlright the pitching may actually be a problem. But AT LEAST they have SP-eligible Diego Castillo out there getting Saves, THE RRF ARE NOT LAST IN THE LEAGUE IN SAVES NOR ARE THEY FIRST IN THE LEAGUE IN HOLDS.

THE RRF ARE NOT LAST IN THE LEAGUE IN SAVES NOR ARE THEY FIRST IN THE LEAGUE IN HOLDS. This isn’t a typo I just wanted to hit on that point again. Apart from that though, the pitching could ultimately end up being a problem. Also fuck this guy for taking my childhood home away?

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Marcell Ozuna (53/216, 42 Rs, 12 2Bs, 16 HRs, 51 RBIs, 4 SBs, .324 OBP)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Hyun-Jin Ryu (73 IP, 12 ER, 69 Ks, 9 QS, 1 CG, 8 Ws, 1.48 ERA)

 

 

#6  –  Astoria Isotopes (4-5)

UGH, these PIECES OF SHIT that sort of prevented me from writing about the Lakehurst Leviathans because I had this weird code about trying to accurately nail down Power Rankings and also this new weird rule to prevent me having to write 5000 word opuses about your stupid little teams and their stupid little rosters. The 2018 FIRST LOSERS were well on their way to an epic run at the once-fabled BCS curse and now they’ve won 4 in a row and I just don’t know. Their numbers, please:  Runs 5th, Doubles 7th, Triples 1st, HRs 7th, RBIs 9th, SBs 9th, OBP 6th, Strikeouts 5th, QS 9th, CG t-5th, Wins 7th, Saves 8th, Holds 2nd, ERA 8th, MOVES 5th.   So Nolan Arenado is obviously someone that is very good that can anchor an offense (not BELLINGER GOOD, but good) so obviously that helps. What also helps is fucking Eduardo Escobar consistently begging me to give him MVP o’ the week honors. Eddy Escobar, forreal. So that’s good and fine, and Khris Davis will ultimately be good and fine, and they’ll be getting Blackmon back soon after a quick lil DL sting and Aaron Judge back soon and he has missed FOREVER. So those are important pieces that could dictate a matchup or two in the ‘Topes future. Also important will be Chris Sale continuing to shake off an awful April, German Marquez uhhh idk avoiding pitching at home somehow? Zach Wheeler finding dat positive regression would also be nice for Astoria, as would Wade Miley avoiding the LIKELY SIGNIFICANT NEGATIVE REGRESSION. It will likely be somewhat significant. But idk I’ve seen like Ervin Santana and Jason Vargas avoid it for long stretches so idk mannnnn. Also the ‘Topes were smart enough to be the team that finally picked up Ryan Pressly setup man extraordinaire so that is good. Also the ‘Topes currently have two SP eligible relievers (Gant & Romo) in their RP slots while they await Robertson & Betances returns like fucking puds. So that is bad.

I could see this team coming out the gates now and losing another 5 in a row and I could also see them winning another 4 in a row. Definitely one or the other though. so WHO KNOWS.  

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Nolan Arenado (80/232, 47 Rs, 16 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 16 HRs, 52 RBIs, 1 SB, .395 OBP)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  German Marquez (85.1 IP, 33 ER, 83 Ks, 6 QS, 1 CG, 6 Ws, 3.48 ERA)

 

 

#7  –  Lakehurst Leviathans (4-5) 

Runs 8th, Doubles t-4th, Triples 3rd, HRs 10th, RBIs 10th, SBs 3rd, OBP 5th, Strikeouts 9th, QS 6th, CG t-5th, Wins 8th, Saves 10th, Holds 4th, ERA 9th, MOVES 4th. 

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Adalberto Mondesi (67/235, 35 Rs, 14 2Bs, 8 3Bs, 6 HRs, 42 RBIs, 21 SBs, .322 OBP, 3 JROLLs)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Matt Boyd (77.2 IP, 26 ER, 97 Ks, 9 QS, 5 Ws, 3.01 ERA)

 

 

#8  –  Pacific Beach X-Rayz (1-6-2) 

Runs 10th, Doubles 3rd, Triples t-4th, HRs 9th, RBIs 4th, SBs 1st, OBP 10th, Strikeouts 1st, QS t-7th, CGs 1st, Wins t-3rd, Saves 1st, Holds 6th, ERA 6th, MOVES 1st. 

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Austin Riley (22/67, 12 Rs, 2 2Bs, 8 HRs, 22 RBIs, .366 OBP)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Blake Snell (61.2 IP, 21 ER, 83 Ks, 7 QS, 3 Ws, 3.06 ERA)

 

 

#9  –  Island Beach Bears (4-4-1) 

Runs 4th, Doubles 8th, Triples 6th, HRs 6th, RBIs 8th, SBs 6th, OBP 9th, Strikeouts 8th, QS 10th, CG 10th, Wins 2nd, Saves 4th, Holds 1st, ERA 10th, MOVES 5th.

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Rhys Hoskins (59/212, 33 Rs, 12 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 13 HRs, 42 RBIs, 1 SB, .402 OBP)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Domingo German (64 IP, 26 ER, 71 Ks, 5 QS, 9 Ws, 3.66 ERA)

 

 

#10-  Barnegat Banana Slugs (2-6-1)

Runs 9th, Doubles 9th, Triples 2nd, HRs 8th, RBIs 7th, SBs 7th, OBP 7th, Strikeouts 3rd, QS 1st, CG t-5th, Wins t-9th, Saves 5th, Holds 5th, ERA 5th, MOVES 8th. 

First Half Team MVP (Hitter):  Trevor Story (68/232, 53 Rs, 12 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 15 HRs, 42 RBIs, 10 SBs, .360 OBP, 2 JROLLs)

First Half Team MVP (Pitcher):  Max Scherzer (85.1 IP, 29 ER, 117 Ks, 10 QS, 3 Ws, 3.06 ERA)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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June Power Rankings/Midseason Awards, Finito. Clearly the Midseason Awards peaked like two years ago, clearly I do not care.

2019 POWER RANKINGS: JUNE EDITION (NOW WITH MIDSEASON AWARDS CUZ I AM LAZY!)

2018 MIDSEASON AWARDS: JK JUST PICTURES OF NALA EDITION

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So in lieu of Midseason Awards this particular season (and to be honest in lieu of uhhh, at a MINIMUM 😉 probably the next month’s worth of possible blog bullshit outta me, CONSIDER ME ON HIATUS), just gonna post a couple pictures of Nala who passed away on Thursday and was my whole entire heart.  RIP Nala Bear.

 

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12/19/07-06/07/18
2018 MIDSEASON AWARDS: JK JUST PICTURES OF NALA EDITION

2017 MIDSEASON AWARDS EXTRAVAGANZA – MAYBE CALLED THE MIDSEASON MOONIEZ

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NOTE: I only have so much time to write so many things so I think most of this intro will just be lifted from last year, if it ain’t broke (or I don’t care enough) don’t fix it…..

Oh lord, is it this time of year again already? The time where I debate whether or not the hottest sister category (FOR THE NEWBIES TO THE AWARDS, I have slept with some of the sisters) is needed in the midseason awards and then proceed to criticize everyone else’s team choices while glossing over my own?  Sweet sweet topless Parisians Emma Watsons I do believe it is time…..

I’ve been thinking about calling these MOONIEZ or MIDSEASON MOONIEZ or something to that effect but then what if I ultimately decide to change team mascots eventually WHAT THEN? But for now if you want to call them the Midseason MoonieZ feel free….

As always, justifications for awards and will be given randomly or not at all and the actual awards themselves will be fairly random and if you disagree with anything seen here blame the man that gave me a platform this time. Which in this case I think is Lobman. Blame Lobman. And also FOR THE NEWBIES TO THE AWARDS, if I am giving anti-MVPs or something I am not going to pick the guy who sucks the most so much as I am going to pick the guy who wasn’t supposed to suck but does. Just want to give you that little peak behind the curtain. Let’s jump right in shallllllllllllll we? We shall…..

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HOTTEST SISTER EX GIRLFRIEND —  Linda McWhateverFace (Isotopes).  SWITCHING IT UP this time in order to best take a shot at the former commish. Linda McWhateverFace had it alllll gentlemen, from a great rack to a wild side to a great rack to a serious case of drunken touchiness to a great rack to a great rack. And also she had a great rack. Mikey T feel free to present her with this award as I think she will be touched by the gesture and thusly you will end up happily ever after.

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Artists rendition…..

 

honorable mention— Raina (X-Rayz)- I mean she was like 16 at the time but STILL she deserves a mentionJoanie (OGTFC)- I have always loved Joanie I just love her a lot less since I found out she dated Greg, Shannon (Banana Slugs)- this is based solely on the fact that the loss of her devastated Brian for many many years, I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup.

If anyone has any ex girlfriends they feel were unfairly left out of this please feel free to submit their pictures to the group chat…… 

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Now that such silliness is out of the way let us get to the fantasy baseballs……

Wait first let me critique everyone’s wedding ritual performances……

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BEST HEROY BACHELOR PARTY PERFORMANCE— MIKEY T (Isotopes):  An ABSOLUTE SHOCKER here as I would have thought I would have had to make a specific “Biggest Bachelor Party Wet Blanket” category for this man but T absolutely dazzled, and by that I mean he did a helluva job picking the shuffleboard venue and a helluva job falling in love with the drunkest stripper in all of Brooklyn. I think he also let me spend a $100 bill of his (GRANTED about $80 of it went to his lapdances the rest to singles) and I maybe said I would pay him back for it but I am definitely not going to. Next question.

honorable mention— Me (MooniniteZ)- I think I brought some things to the table, Rojo (RRF)- Rojo lights up any room he walks into.

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WORST HEROY BACHELOR PARTY PERFORMANCE— BRIAN (Banana Slugs):  NOT entirely unexpected but you would have thought with ALLLLLL I brought to the table that he would have stayed awake for the whole shebang. NOPE, got a little snoozy in Pumps and when I tried to get him a dance anyways the gal told me “I don’t dance for drunk guys” and I had to protest and say “HE IS ALWAYS LIKE THIS AFTER LIKE 8 PM”. Plus I am sure she dances for drunk guys all the time that’s like her job. But I digress…..

dishonorable mention— Heroy (OGTFC)- For that goddamned “JOIN ME……IN MY CABANA” line and for making some girl cry cuz he called her old and for 70 other inappropriate things he said, Odom (X-Rayz)- Don’t even remember you being there my guy, Dochney (BDSliderz)- Don’t even remember you being there my guy.

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BEST HEROY WEDDING PERFORMANCE— Heroy (OGTFC)- The man of the hour did not disappoint one bit with his singing and dancing and general revelry. PROPS DUE for his performance of “Roadhouse Blues” and for making it to the beach bar for the “after party” despite having to catch a flight the next day to wherever the fuck he is currently. Saint John? I think Saint John. Congrats you sonofabitch you.

honorable mention— Rojo (RRF)- Just BLEW PAST his drink projections to log like 4 DAR (Drinks Above Replacement) and like 6 drinks total or something reckless like that, also he is very helpful in photo booths.

WORST HEROY WEDDING PERFORMANCE

honorable mention— Brian (OGTFC)- Not to saddle a man with multiple “worst performance” awards BUT when you’re observed nodding off at the ripe ole time of like 7 PM you just have to accept this distinction and move on.

dishonorable mention— Odom (X-Rayz)- Don’t even remember you being there my guy, Dochney (BDSliderz)- Don’t even remember you being there my guy, Shane (Morning Wood) Don’t even remember you being there my guy.

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Okay now onto actual fantasy baseball stuff I swear…..

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BIGGEST FANTASY COMPLAINER— BRIAN (Banana Slugs): LOOK BUDDY EVERYONE HAS INJURIES, COULDN’T EVEN ADD DL SLOTS IF WE WANTED TO. Allz I did was SKIM the transcripts from that evening and it still pained me to do so. If I was commish I would have roster locked you for 4 games.

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BUT ALSO WORST INJURY LUCK— Banana Slugs:  But also yes Brian and his Banana Slugs of Barnegat have had their boo-boos and I respect the record they have pieced together despite said boo-boos.

honorable mention— BDSliderz- Freeman is out Pollock has been out a bit fuckin Tailon got nut cancer, OGTFC- this team made a late push to grab the Worst Injury Luck crown, what with the best baseball player in the world being on their team and now being out for a bunch of weeks and whatnot (and also Danny Duffy),

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BEST “FIRST YEAR PLAYER DRAFT” DRAFT PICK— Eric Thames, Round 2 Pick 20 (X-Rayz):  Howz about everyone REFUSING to buy into the Thames hype until Odom and the X-Rayz were all but forced to take him with the last pick in Round 2, and then he goes out there and is like the best hitter in baseball in April (28 Rs, 6 2Bs, 11 HRs, 19 RBIs, .387 OBP). He has cooled down CONSIDERABLY in May but STILL that April my goodness, probably won the X-Rayz some matchups all by his lonesome.

honorable mention:  Jason Groome, Round 1 Pick 2 (Titans)- Because it kept him out of Barnegat and that amused me.

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WORST “FIRST YEAR PLAYER DRAFT” DRAFT PICK— Joe Kelly, Round 1 Pick 4 (Bad Dudes):  And what did the Bad Dudes get out of their top 4 draft pick Joe Kelly? I WILL TELL YOU WHAT, because I looked it up in the active stats. 10.1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, 2 Ws, 0.00 ERA. So I mean REALLY he wasn’t half bad, even if he displayed a lack of gumption and a lack of Ks, but the Bad Dudes brought him aboard to get Holds and he got no Holds and then he got a stomach bug or something and that was that. Thank you for your service, Joe Kelly.

dishonorable mention:  Grant Dayton, Round 2 Pick 9 (MooniniteZ), Kyle Barraclough, Round 2 Pick 7 (OGTFC)Probably most of these chumps you chumps ended up picking (all you chumps)

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BEST NEW OWNER—Shane (Morning Wood): Because Shane lets everyone beat him and that is what a good first year owner should do, terrible team name aside.

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WORST NEW OWNER—Dochney (BDSliderz): Because DO THE MATH DOCHNEY. Also Dochney beat a whole bunch of teams. Also because of Dochney I type out “BDSliderz” a lot.

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OWNER MOST LIKELY TO DIE BEFORE SEASON’S END— Dochney.  Gonna CHANGE DIRECTIONS on this one and go with a guy whose lifestyle I know little about, but a guy whom I know lives in Lacey. All sorts of hazards in Lacey, let’s name a few: Meth lab explosions, murderous drifters, murderous full-time residents, crazed hobos, poorly-produced heroin. BE SAFE OUT THERE DOCH. Also please note that the former owner of this team is essentially dead to all of us, or at least all of us that MATTER.

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WORST TEAM NAME—Q-Tip City Morning Wood:  Because of this team name I am forced to write “Morning Wood” a whole bunch of times and for a while it was just a picture of Anthony Rizzo kissing a bat even though the team didn’t own Rizzo

dishonorable mention:  Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz– TOO WORDY AND LOBMAN IS MAYBE RIGHT ABOUT THE TOO MANY Zs THING, Rojo’s Renegade Force– DROP THE “FORCE” PART 

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BEST TEAM NAME—Q-Tip City Morning Wood:  Because as BAD of a name as it is, it also allows me to write “AM Boners” and “Dawnus Erectus” and “Before Breakfast Boners” and it opens up a whole world of ED puns that I haven’t even gotten to but probably should have by now given this team’s uhhh performance issues.

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BEST TEAM LOGO—Barnegat Banana Slugs:

GONNA GIVE IT TO THIS CUTE LITTLE GUY, the X-Rayz logo remains lovely and probably comes in a close 2nd but LOOK HOW CUTE THIS IS.

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WORST TEAM LOGO—River City Bad Dudes:

…..stupid. You’re stupid. Bad Dudes is stupid. And Rougned Odor‘s OBP is like equal to Jose Bautista’s batting average right now.

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BEST HIGH MINORS PERFORMER— Cody Bellinger (Isotopes):  Guy has since gone over his high minors ABs limit but prior to doing so boyyyyy did he put up some numbers. The Dodgers might have even had designs on sending him back down when they first brought him up but now they fucking cannot.  (129 ABs) 25 Rs, 6 2Bs, 1 3B, 11 HRs, 29 RBIs, 1 SB, .324 OBP, 1 JROLL 

honorable mention— Aaron Judge (Isotopes)– Until he hit his ABs limit now he’s just an excellent uhhh regular guy, Jorge Bonifacio (X-Rayz)- Guy is out there SLUGGIN’ with 7 HRs through 121 ABs, Kyle Freeland/Antonio Senzatela (Banana Slugs)- This Rockies duo both performed ADMIRABLY for the Slugs throughout their time as high minors arms, with Freeland notching 6 QS in 8 starts and Senzatela notching 5 in 8.

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WORST HIGH MINORS PERFORMER— Joe Jimenez (OGTFC):  My old friend Joe is currently rotting away in the OGTFC minors system as well as the Tigers minors system, but he’s blown his Low Minors eligibility to bits with this line:  4.1 IP, 6 ER, 5 Ks, 12.46 ERA. Wouldn’t be a bad stash at all if he was still Low Minors eligible but here he is, not Low Minors eligible. Plus he got hit pretty hard upon his brief big league exposure and is currently injured or some shit down in the minors so when he returns is anyone’s guess. 

dishonorable mention— Grant Dayton (MooniniteZ)– Did NOT work out in terms of a draft pick selection, which we have already covered, Matt Strahm (MooniniteZ)- ONLY HIS APRIL, he has been much better from May on I’m just highlighting my own here to point out that we out here taking risks.

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BEST HITTING PERFORMANCE, SINGLE GAME — Anthony Rendon (Titans) (4/30/17):  6-6, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 10 RBIs

honorable mention— Trea Turner (OGTFC) (04/25/17) – 4-6, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 1 HR, 7 RBIs.

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BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE, SINGLE GAME — TIE  Robbie Ray (X-Rayz)(5/30/17):  9 IP, 0 ER 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA  but also Edinson Volquez (Isotopes)(6/3/17):  9 IP, 0 ER 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA

honorable mention— Max Scherzer (Banana Slugs) (5/31/17) – 9 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA, Stephen Strasburg (Titans) (5/27/17) – 7 IP, 0 ER, 15 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA.

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BEST HITTING PERFORMANCE, FULL WEEK— Billy Hamilton (X-Rayz)WEEK 5:  Billy Hamilton’s Week 5 goes down as probably the prettiest JROLL I have seen all year and I WOULD KNOW because it came against me.  11 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 1 HR, 8 RBIs, 9 SBs, .429 OBP

honorable mention— Trea Turner, Week 4 (OGTFC)- 13 Rs, 5 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 11 RBIs, 1 SB, .432 OBP, Ryan Zimmerman, Week 4 (Banana Slugs)- 11 Rs, 2 2Bs, 5 HRs, 13 RBIs, .500 OBP. 

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BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE, FULL WEEK— Dallas Keuchel (Isotopes), WEEK 4: Mostly because I am not sure anyone else had a two start week in the midst of a CG week, and Dallas did here and it was a good one.  16.2 IP, 3 ER, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 2 W, 1 CG, 1.62 ERA

honorable mention— Max Scherzer (Banana Slugs) (Week 3)- 15 IP, 3 ER, 16 Ks, 2 QS, 2Ws, 1.80 ERA), Seung-Hwan Oh (OGTFC) (Week 3)- 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks, 5 Saves, 1.80 ERA.

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BEST TRADE— Toms River Titans Trade RF Jackie Bradley Jr. to Rojo’s Renegade Force for C JT Realmuto:  I spend so much time analyzing trades on this goddamned site that I don’t want to highlight any of the lopsided deals in “best trade” or “worst trade” I merely wanna talk about the BEAUTIFUL TRADES, and I mean is this one just a BEAUTY ALL THE WAY AROUND OR WHAT? The Titans pick up an excellent fantasy catcher currently near the tops o’ the league in runs scored for catchers (I liked Ryan’s side better) and RRF take a flyer on JBJr maintaining his numbers from 2016, which he didn’t and he was eventually dropped but STILL they gave it a shot. Two teams swapping sensibly folks.

honorable mention— Titans Trade JUpton, CarGo, Daniel Norris to QTC for Sano, Lindor, HarveyI much prefer the Titans side here but I can see the deal from the other side KINDAQTC Trade Bumgarner, Franklin Barretto, Addi Russell to the OGTFC for JD Martinez, Teheran, Aaron Sanchez This one I liked cuz I at FIRST thought I was more on board with the QTC side and then the more I thought about it the more I concluded you don’t trade Bummy at this point in time, the best trades are the ones that make you THINK mannnnn.

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WORST TRADE— Barnegat Banana Slugs Trade SP Antonio Senzatela to Q-Tip City Morning Wood for Low Minors 1B Dominic Smith:  Again I am not going to go back and pick out the bad SIDES to deals because there have been plenty of bad sides, hell I have been the bad side. Instead I want to focus on trades that were so bad as to be arguably unnecessary, SUCH AS ABOVE. Just the worst trade ever, the entire league is worse for it having happened. In a week in which they were PLAYING no less……

dishonorable mention— QTC Trades High Minors RP Joe Jimenez to the OGTFC for RP Kyle Barraclough, Low Minors 1B Rhys Hoskins– ARGUABLY as unnecessary as the trade above and how dare you turn your back on the Tigers closer of the future Shane,  MooniniteZ Trade C Yasmani Grandal to QTC for High Minors 1B Dan Vogelbach– Because just LOOK at what you people made me do since nobody else would take Grandal as a complimentary piece in a deal even though he is a damned fine catcher both real and fantasy, Banana Slugs Trade Low Minors SP Josh Hader to the BDSliderz for High Minors 1B Dan Vogelbach– Because this one is unnecessary AT BEST and at worst it is a hideous (and unnecessary) move by Barnegat and also Vogelbach has been traded just tooooo many fucking times this season.

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FIRST HALF ANTI-ROLAIDS RELIEF MAN— Blake Treinen (FORMERLY MooniniteZ):  Sad but true, this piece of shit got annointed the Nats closer and I added him instead of another guy AND IT DID NOT WORK OUT AND THAT OTHER GUY HAS DOMINATED AND YOU MAY SEE HIS NAME COME UP REAL SOON (that’s called foreshadowing kids). Treinen only managed to notch 3 Saves and none of them came easy, his current numbers areeee:  24.1 IP, 18 ER, 21 Ks, 3 Saves, 4 Holds, 6.66 ERA CUZ HE IS THE FUCKING DEVIL.

dishonorable mention— Francisco Rodriguez (LAST SPOTTED with QTC)- GHad a closers gig and just COUGHED IT UP and is sitting out in FA land with an ERA a touch below 8, Neftali Feliz (LAST SPOTTED with the BDSliderz)- Same shit, had a closers gig and just THREW IT ALL AWAY and is now sitting in the FA pool with an ERA of 5.25.

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FIRST HALF ANTI-CY YOUNG— Kevin Gausman (Bad Dudes):  Kevin Gausman has sucked BUT MIKE CAN’T QUIT HIM but never mind HE EVENTUALLY QUIT HIM.    59.1 IP, 39 Ks, 4 QS, 3 Ws, 5.92 ERA 

dishonorable mention— Tyler Glasnow (OGTFC)- Glasnow has an INSANELY high WHIP and the only reason I didn’t make him Anti-Cy Young is I am not sure how good he was reasonably expected to be but he has been terrible let me make that abundantly clear, Danny Salazar (Bad Dudes)- He of the 5.40 ERA and the being sent to the bullpen even though Bad Dudes ownership has termed him “awesome”.

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FIRST HALF ANTI-MVP— Starling Marte (Banana Slugs):  For being a CHEATING CHEATER and getting himself suspended 80 games when he was supposed to be like an arguable top 5 OF.    7 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, 2 SBs, .288 OBP

dishonorable mention— Carlos Gonzalez (Morning Wood)- HOW YOU ONLY GOT 17 RBIs IN THAT OFFENSE?!, Rougned Odor (Bad Dudes)- NICE .249 OBP BRUH, Byron Buxton (Titans)- NICE .549 OPS BRUH, Kyle Schwarber (RRF)- YOU SHOULDA BEEN TRADED LAST YEAR, Addison Russell (QTC to OGTFC)- YOU SHOULD BE BETTER BY NOW.

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FIRST HALF ROLAIDS RELIEF MAN— Greg Holland (Isotopes):  FUCKETY FUCK FUCK, on one hand good for Greg Holland but on the other hand I would have rather I just rolled with him due to him being the superior talent rather than grabbing Treinen due to the thinking that the Nationals would get many save opps and the Rockies would get few. The Rockies have gotten PLENTY.  21.2 IP, 3 ER, 30 Ks, 21 Saves, 1.25 ERA

honorable mention— Craig Kimbrel (Bad Dudes)- Kimbrel has probably been the best closer in baseball this season with a 1.07 ERA and a ridiculous 0.47 WHIP but also FUCK HIM for being a Red Sawk now, Andrew Miller (OGTFC)- 13 Holds and 37 Ks and he has only given up a lone run so his ERA sits at 0.33.

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FIRST HALF CY YOUNG— Chris Sale (Titans):  SAD BUT TRUE. Mostly cuz he has like 20 more Ks than anyone else in baseball right now, but also the sub 3 ERA and double digit QS.    84 IP, 27 ER, 119 Ks, 10 QS, 7 Ws, 2.89 ERA

honorable mention— Max Scherzer (Banana Slugs)- This fella has a pretty good case himself, Clayton Kershaw (Titans)- Because Clayton Kershaw always, Ervin Santana (Morning Wood)- I DON’T GET IT EITHER but the guy has like 2 CGs and 9 QS and 7 Ws and yea WTF, Ivan Nova (Banana Slugs)- For the similar to Santana 9 QS and 2 CGs even though he strikes out less than 5 per 9 which is fucking gross, Zack Greinke (Morning Wood)– SAD BUT TRUE the “not ideal” meme is officially dead.

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FIRST HALF MVP— Mike Trout (OGTFC):  Fantasy imitates life sometimes and I think Trout has been the best player in both thus far EVEN WITH him missing this last week and EVEN THOUGH he will not be SECOND HALF MVP due to injury and also EVEN THOUGH the OGTFC have struggled a bit….. I shall not blame him for that.    36 Rs, 14 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 16 HRs, 36 RBIs, 10 SBs, .461 OBP

honorable mention— Bryce Harper (Bad Dudes)– Here is your best argument for a non-Trout First Half MVP, Charlie Blackmon (Isotopes)- Although if it were up to me this guy might also garner some votes, Paul Goldschmidt (RRF), Aaron Judge (Isotopes)Eric Thames (X-Rayz)- If this was like First Quarter MVP it would be Thames.

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THIS YEAR’S CHAMPIONSHIP FAVORITE— I dunno I think I am going with me (MooniniteZ).

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THANK YOU ALL FOR TUNING IN TO THIS YEAR’S MIDSEASON MOONIEZ (All in on the name by the time I finished writing em up). Tune in next year for next year’s version of the midseason awards? Or do I do end of the year awards? Maybe I do some version of end of the year awards I don’t fucking remember. Tune in to whatever the fuck I tell you to tune into. Thank you.

 

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Pictured: Previous MoonieZ winner T-Pain
2017 MIDSEASON AWARDS EXTRAVAGANZA – MAYBE CALLED THE MIDSEASON MOONIEZ

MIDSEASON(ish) AWARDS ARE BACK RIOT IN THE STREETS

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The people are excited about the return of these prestigious awards…..

Oh lord, is it this time of year again already? The time where I debate whether or not the hottest sister category is needed in the midseason awards and then proceed to criticize everyone else’s team choices while glossing over my own?  Sweet sweet topless Parisians I do believe it is time…..

As always, justifications will be given randomly and if you disagree with anything seen here blame the system that has been created.  A system where I keep posting things solely to amuse myself/avoid doing actual work at work, without any dissenting opinions in sight.  A BEAUTIFUL SYSTEM.  ‘Murrica

HOTTEST SISTER—  Rachel Johnson (Roj0).  Time to restore the crown to its rightful owner.  Granted Rachel and I haven’t spoken in a stretch, but all this time in Hawai’i has to have done wonders for her base tan.  If anyone sees this that knows her, tell her to call me next time she’s in town.

Now that that is out of the way……

wait one more……

UGLIEST FETUS— Emily Emilie (EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME) Grace” (Lobman).  I think it was eventually clarified that what appeared to be the demon head wasn’t actually a demon head but……still…..

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Artist’s rendering

Okay now onto actual fantasy baseball stuff…..

BEST KEEPER— David Ortiz (Brian).  GOD this one was painful.  But to give credit to someone for just keeping an obviously great player seems silly, so instead I decided to give credit to the fringiest keeper that really panned out well.  And unfortunately that motherfucker is Dominican Shrek Equivalent David Ortiz.  Lord only knows what this dude is on but he leads the league in extra base hits (31 doubles, 18HRs, ONE TRIPLE EVEN) and Brian kept his 40 year old position-less ass and is reaping the benefits.  Fuck the Sawks forevah.

WORST KEEPER— Corey Dickerson (Rojo).  Really SO MANY acceptable choices here but in my humble opinion Rojo bailed a lot of us out by keeping a fringey Corey Dickerson, immediately trading him for Tim Anderson, and then nearly immediately dropping said Tim Anderson.  I was going to make a point here about how Corey Dickerson ain’t even half bad but now I checked and he has a .258 OBP.  And he was a huge injury risk.  BAD JOB ROJO.  But congrats on still being in first place.

dishonorable mention:  Francisco Liriano (Sean), James Shields (Odom), Marcus Stroman (Mikey T), Prince Fielder (Mikey T), I am sure I can go on and on but WHY.

BEST DRAFT PICK— Marcus Semien, 27th Rd (Connor).   As usual the trick here is to sort of start from the bottom and see who delivered the best value down there and UNFORTUNATELY I now have to give Connor credit for drafting the shortstop you all failed to.  I felt set at the shorstop position (SHOULDN’T HAVE) but I knew Semien was going to produce for someone, and 15 HRs out of the SS position in that round is solid value.

honorable mention:  Daniel Murphy (25th, Cliff), Seung Hwan Oh (27th, Sean), Victor Martinez (28th, Sean whom did not keep him for very long), Logan Forsythe (29th, Sean who promptly traded him)….. you should get the picture by now.  MOVING ON.

WORST DRAFT PICK— Ken Giles, FIRST ROUND (Connor).  Everything to be said has already been said, about this one.  For the record this was a terrible pick even if Ken Giles was going to be the Astros closer all year.

OWNER MOST LIKELY TO DIE BEFORE SEASON’S END— Odom.  California is not to be trusted and marijuana is a gateway drug.  And Rojo is more alive than ever.

BEST TEAM NAME—

WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT.  Rojo pairs his new name with a nice clean classy logo, and his new name has lots of puns potential, and his new name only gets funnier should his team falter in any way.  A whole lot to love here.

WORST TEAM NAME— Bad Drake Puns (Connor).  The name would actually be better if it was “Bad Drake Puns”.  In which case I would have considered giving this award to Ryan.  But until my demands are met it is Connor.

BEST TEAM LOGO—

FINALLY SOME TRACTION ON THE LOGO’S FRONT.  Alotta credit due to Brian on this I am sure (like all the credit).  But sadly Brian does not get credited for the award AWARD GOES TO ODOM.  But this thing is just a fucking beaut…..

WORST TEAM LOGO—  Connor’s stupid Altuve picture.  Mostly cuz I HAVE CHECKED and there are just much better dancey Altuve pictures out there.  Do your goddamned research Connor….

BEST ROOKIE— Trevor Story (Brian).  Duh.

BEST HITTING PERFORMANCE— Kris Bryant (Heroy)(6/27/16):  5-5, 4 runs 2 doubles 3HRs 6RBIs.

BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE— Vince Velasquez (Sean)(4/14/16):  9IP, 0ER 16Ks CG W.  SURE Scherzer had himself a 20 K CG W but that game also came with 2ER, and I for one would not trade 2Ks for an ER in any matchup.  ERA IS SERIOUS FANTASY BUSINESS.

BEST TRADE— Odom trades Stephen Piscotty and Ben Zobrist to Sean for Brad Miller and Aroldis Chapman.  JUST A GOOD TRADE AMONGST FRIENDS.  Stephen Piscotty eventually turns into Alex Colome for the MooniniteZ in another JUST A GOOD TRADE AMONGST FRIENDS scenario (Piscotty to Mikey T for Colome).

honorable mention— The Mikey T side of the Freeman for Rosenthal trade, the Brian side of the DeShields and Boxberger for Eaton and Forsythe.

WORST TRADE— Lobman trades Freddie Freeman for Trevor fucking Rosenthal.  The MooniniteZ fully admit that their trade with Brian for Delino DeShields and their trade with Ryan for Raisel Iglesias (Iglesias and Brad Miller for Carlos Rodon) have not at all gone as planned but AT THE TIME OF THE TRADES they were certainly defensible.  I don’t want to hear it with you people about Iglesias vs. Rodon check the preseason rankings cot dammit.  All of this is to say that at the time those trades were okay, but NOBODY should have considered Freeman for Rosenthal a good trade or a fair trade or allowable trade.  Mikey T stole one here.  I was too busy raving at the time to point out the obvious.

dishonorable mention— The trades I alluded to up there, those gross Odom-Rojo trades (Dickerson for Tim Anderson, Buxton for Bundy).

FIRST HALF (ish) ANTI-MVP— Prince Fielder (Mikey T).  THIS GUY, Ryan unloaded to Mikey T for a first or second rounder or whatever.  And I am sure Mikey T expected a lot of power from this particular keeper.  And instead Fielder is finally up to an unimpressive 7 HRs (3 total in April and May).  He has often been found on the ‘Topes bench and I believe occasionally been found on the Rangers bench, losing playing time to the likes of Jurickson fucking Profar of all people.

dishonorable mention— Carlos Gomez (Rojo), Michael Conforto (Cliff), Billy Burns (Connor).

FIRST HALF (ish) ANTI-CY YOUNG— Dallas Keuchel (Mikey T).  2.48 ERA and a 20-8 record last year, 5.13 ERA and a 5-9 record this year.  TOUGH BREAK FOR THE ‘TOPES.

dishonorable mention— Adam Wainwright (Ryan), David Price (Odom), Chris Archer (Odom), Michael Pineda (Sean), Yordano Ventura (All sorts of people, mostly Lobman).

FIRST HALF (ish) MVP— Jose Altuve (Connor).  THIS PAINS ME, but Altuve is the best fantasy asset going right now in this league.  60 runs 24 doubles 2 triples 13HRs 46RBIs 21SBs .432 OBP.  Fucking yeeeeesh.

honorable mention— Kris Bryant (Heroy), Nolan Arenado (Sean), Josh Donaldson (Brian), David Ortiz (Brian)

FIRST HALF (ish) CY YOUNG— Clayton Kershaw (Ryan).  It’s probably always Kershaw.

THIS YEAR’S CHAMPIONSHIP FAVORITE— I have no fucking idea people.  Not Cliff.

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That is a wrap. Now I need a cigarette.
MIDSEASON(ish) AWARDS ARE BACK RIOT IN THE STREETS