Second Annual ESPN Player Rater Backyard All Stars

Due to the potential idea of constant restructuring of the divisions, the All Star teams shall be reduced to a single team. ONLY THE CREAM OF THE CROP from here on out. Also note, James Paxton would qualify for the team but is DL’d soooo he is DQ’d.

C: Willson Contreras, Bad Dudes, Cubs

ESPNPR: 6.96

33 R, 19 Doubles, 5 Triples, 7 HRs, 34 RBIs, 3 SB, .369

Despite the drop in dongs, Willson has been a lovely cat killa for a catcher in the Backyard format. FIVE triples is eye popping from this position, and at 26 he is the leading candidate to be here annually, barring a return of the Kraken in 2019.

1B: Freddie Freeman, BackdoorSliderz, Braves

ESPNPR: 12.89

59 R, 25 Doubles, 3 Triples, 16 HRs, 61 RBIs, 6 SB, .405

One of the more underrated players in MLB and BYB, Freeman is the old head of the Baby Braves Movement in Lacey. He’s stuffing the cats across the board, mixing in a healthy 3 triples and 6 steals from the usual post to post first base position. That .405 OBP really jumps off the page.

2B: Javier Baez, Warriors, Cubs

ESPNPR: 15.78

61 R, 25 Doubles, 6 Triples, 19 HRs, 72 RBIs, 18 SB, .326

It all came together for Baez in 2018, and the Warriors are reaping the benefits. Their dedication to long term commitments to ubertalented players has paid off, seeing Baez lead the Warriors to the best record with his 5 tool ability. His arrow is still pointing up in our format, indicated by his 19 HR/18 SB line.

SS: Trevor Story, Banana Slugs, Rockies

ESPNPR: 14.38

50 R, 27 Doubles, 5 Triples, 20 HRs, 68 RBIs, 12 SB, .353

SPEAKING OF long term commitment, how ’bout those Slugs sticking to their story? Listen to their official theme song here. The Coors Field Factor not withstanding, Trevor has taken all Brendan Rodgers hype and knocked it out of the park. That .353 OBP is the real icing on the cake to this fairy tale.

3B: Jose Ramirez, X*Rayz, Indians

Second ESPNPR All Star Appearance

ESPNPR: 18.32

68 R, 26 Doubles, 2 Triples, 29 HRs, 70 RBIs, 20 SB, .401

OH YEAH…this guy. After finishing the season 7th in ESPNPR last season and winning the BCS MVP, Ramirez has somehow continued to improve and is now in the top tier of Backyard players. Tied for the highest score at the break, his 148 XBHs are the most in the majors since the beginning of 2017.

LF: Andrew Benintendi, Warriors, Red Sox

ESPNPR: 15.75

68 R, 25 Doubles, 5 Triples, 14 HRs, 57 RBIs, 17 SB, .380

The Warriors and their damn youth movement. Another top prospect turned top player, Benintendi is stuffing the stat sheet across the board. That .380 OBP is oh so sexy for a guy that turned 24 earlier this month.

CF: Mike Trout, OGTFC, Angels

ESPNPR: 17.59

71 R, 18 Doubles, 3 Triples, 25 HRs, 50 RBIs, 15 SB, .454

After missing out on making the squad last year due to being DL’d during the ASB, Trout makes his debut on this ILLUSTRIOUS team. Expect him to rack up plenty more appearances here, as that 17.59 player rating score could improve if the players around Trout in the lineup pick it up.

RF: Mookie Betts, OGTFC, Red Sox

Second ESPNPR All Star Appearance

ESPNPR: 18.32

79 R, 25 Doubles, 3 Triples, 23 HRs, 51 RBIs, 18 SB, .448

The Betts/Trout duo may have seen their fantasy team fall on hard times since its 2016 title run, but there is no denying Mookie has maintained his spot among the Backyard’s best. Tied with Jose Ramirez for the best score at the ASB, there is no reason to think Betts will slow down any time soon.

1B/3B: Alex Bregman, BackdoorSliderz, Astros

ESPNPR: 13.31

67 R, 31 Doubles, 1 Triple, 20 HRs, 64 RBIs, 8 SB, .389

The first big trade addition to the BackdoorSliderz way back when in 2017, Bregman has proven to be the best young player on a team full of diaper dandies. Being locked into the stacked Houston lineup is one of his juiciest fantasy features, but his age (24) is his sexiest trait.

2B/SS: Francisco Lindor, Warriors, Indians

ESPNPR: 14.29

85 R, 30 Doubles, 0 Triples, 25 HRs, 62 RBIs, 13 SB, .367

How do you make up ground in the triple-heavy weighted ESPNPR score with ZERO three baggers?Go out and score 85 runs but of course. Lindor is one of the most talented young shortstops you’ll find, but isn’t even the best 2B/SS on the Warriors according to ESPNPR: that’s Javy Baez. That just goes to shows how young and talented the Garden State boys are.

OF: J.D. Martinez, Morning Wood, Red Sox

ESPNPR: 13.36

72 R, 23 Doubles, 1 Triple, 29 HRs, 80 RBIs, 2 SB, .393

Lo and behold, a Q-Tip City representative! While there is no denying his lack of contributions in the speed cats hold back his overall Backyard value, he is bopping with the best of them over the last 1.5 seasons and should continue to do so in the batter friendly Fenway Park/Boston lineup. Considering he’s the oldest player to crack this list from the batting position AND plays for the last place Morning Wood, he could be wearing new BYB threads by the 7/28 trade deadline.

UTIL: Starling Marte, Morning Wood, Pirates

ESPNPR: 12.17

52 R, 16 Doubles, 4 Triples, 13 HRs, 44 RBIs, 25 SB, .333

Yeah yeah, we all know how I feel about this trade. But there is no denying Q-Tip City took a chance on a player coming off a PED suspension marred season and it has paid off. Well, as much as it could pay off, which is him making this ESPNPR All Star team. As the SECOND oldest batter to make the 2018 team and also playing for the last place Morning Wood, one must wonder if he stays with the team past the trade deadline.

UTIL: Nolan Arenado, Isotopes, Rockies

Second ESPNPR All Star Appearance

ESPNPR: 11.86

63 R, 21 Doubles, 2 Triples, 23 HRs, 68 RBIs, 2 SB, .395

The headline blockbuster deal of the offseason saw the Isotopes land the Rockies 3B for 3 young, up and coming players. While Arenado is well behind the pace of 7 Triples he set in 2017, there is no denying he’s one of the most consistent and deadly power bats in the land.

SP: Max Scherzer, Banana Slugs, Nationals

Second ESPNPR All Star Appearance

ESPNPR: 16.25

12 Ws, 17 QS, 182 Ks, 1 CG, 2.41

Max being Max, continued. He remains the unquestioned ace of both the loaded Nationals AND Slugs rotations with his elite K numbers and consistency. He is always a threat to go 9 and/or strike out 15+ batters in any given start.

SP: Luis Severino, Banana Slugs, Yankees

ESPNPR: 15.28

14 Ws, 14 QS, 144 Ks, 1 CG, 2.31

This is what I meant by loaded Slugs rotation in the previous entry. Barnegat boasts the two highest rated SPs in the Backyard and neither show any signs of slowing down. The big difference between the 2 aces: Severino is only 24 years old. The Slugs staff is in good hands for years to come.

SP: Justin Verlander, BackdoorSliderz, Astros

ESPNPR: 15.22

9 Ws, 17 QS, 172 Ks, 1 CG, 2.29

In a dynasty league that’s so infatuated with youth and upside, Verlander has maintained amazing trade value. Flipped only briefly before the ASB in the Backyard, the Astros ace has mowed down the opposition with 172 in 137.2 IP. Lacey hopes to ride his arm deep into a postseason push.

SP: Jose Berrios, Warriors, Twins

ESPNPR: 14.79

9 Ws, 12 QS, 127 Ks, 2 CGs, 3.68

Behold the power of the complete game to the ESPNPR formula. Despite only modest numbers in the other catz, Berrios makes the team at the ripe ole age of 24. Considering he was merely a piece in the package the Warriors acquired when they traded Chris Sale, management should be pleased with his progress.

SP: Gerrit Cole, OGTFC, Astros

ESPNPR: 14.48

10 Ws, 14 QS, 177 Ks, 1 CG, 2.52

Those zaney Astros and their magic strikeout dust they sprinkle on their new pitchers continues to astound. Not that Cole wasn’t filthy in Pitt, but he’s achieved a new level of K ability upon his arrival in H-Town. He’s also one of the longest tenured members of his Backyard franchise.

RP: Edwin Diaz, X*Rayz, Mariners

ESPNPR: 7.59

36 SV, 79 Ks, 2.25

After the defending champion X*Rayz sent Aroldis Chapman packing in an offseason deal, there was no question they had fully invested in Sugar Diaz as their #1 RP. He has rewarded their faith, becoming the top closer in the Backyard/MLB this season. The only question now is: how good will he end up being?

RP: Blake Treinen, Bad Dudes, Athletics

ESPNPR: 7.23

24 SV, 5 Ws, 61 Ks, 0.94

The only player drafted in the 2018 Spring Draft to become an ESPNPR All Star, Treinen has dominated the backend of the Athletics and Bad Dudes bullpen. That sparkling sub-1 ERA goes beautifully with his 24 saves and 5 wins. Going off of previous trades and the current record of the Bad Dudes, it’d be no surprise to see Blake moved before the deadline.

P: Corey Kluber, Renegades, Indians

Second ESPNPR All Star Appearance

ESPNPR: 14.45

12 Ws, 17 QS, 132 Ks, 1 CG, 2.76

The Klubot continues his robotic like success, maintaining a sub-3 ERA and anchoring an otherwise injury ravaged Renegades rotation. There is no denying he remains among the top pitchers in the Backyard.

P: Craig Kimbrel, Warriors, Red Sox

ESPNPR: 6.72

30 SV, 2 Ws, 62 Ks, 1.77

An underrated move by Garden State management in fortifying their bullpen late in March has brought us to this point. Kimmy maintains his spot among the premier MLB/Backyard closers and should be a contributing factor to their 2018 run. The saves should continue to come with both the Red Sox and Warriors in a playoff run.

Second Annual ESPN Player Rater Backyard All Stars


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You should have the general feel down by now, I simply listicle all the trades in the month in ESPN transaction summary form and fill in some bullshit for each. So LETS……do that. And maybe should these ever get interesting or should the deadline get crazy this will be tweaked but yanno……who even knows what the deadline is at this point. JULY TRADES…. 

Note for these belated “reviews”:  all stats are current-ish, so not necessarily reflective of the numbers at time of trade, but still who really gives a shit….


Mon, Jun 18
10:25 PMWOOD traded Arodys Vizcaino, Atl RP to XYZ
XYZ traded Hunter Greene, Cin SP to WOOD
Vizcaino:  2-2, 31.2 IP, 1.71 ERA (3.19 FIP), 33 Ks (9.38 K/9), 15 Saves (2 BS)

Greene:  (AAA) 3-7, 63.1 IP (16 GS), 4.69 ERA (3.49 FIP), 80 Ks (11.37 K/9),   , Cin SP to WOOD

MLB Comp: (a real rosy one)  Noah Syndergaard

Hunter Greene has the chance to be prettttty special and Vizcaino is yanno just a closer and stuff, so gonna give this one to the team that got a potential top tier SP / MORNING WOOD AND ABOUT TIME
Mon, Jun 11
12:14 PMOGFC traded Addison Russell, ChC SS to RCBD
RCBD traded Luis Castillo, Cin SP to OGFC
Russell:  .351 OBP (272 ABs), 17 2Bs, 1 3B, 5 HRs, 41 Rs, 32 RBIs, 4 SBs

Castillo:  5-8, 98.1 IP (19 GS), 5.58 ERA (4.72 FIP), 94 Ks (8.60 K/9), 5 QS 

Addi is CERTAINLY having his best year to date despite the middling power numbers, Castillo is struggling mightily, but still SHOULDN’T SELL LOW in this particular sitch IMHO OGTFC
Sun, Jun 10
1:10 PMWOOD traded Zack Greinke, Ari SP to LTBS
LTBS traded Carlos Santana, Phi 1B to WOOD
LTBS traded Mitch Keller, Pit SP to WOOD
LTBS traded Yoshihisa Hirano, Ari RP to WOOD
Greinke:  9-5, 114 IP (19 GS), 3.39 ERA (3.60), 117 Ks (9.24 K/9), 10 QS  

Santana:  .365 OBP (302 ABs), 17 2Bs, 1 3B, 14 HRs, 53 Rs, 51 RBIs, 1 SB

Keller:  (AA) 9-2, 86 IP (14 GS), 2.72 ERA (3.73 FIP), 76 Ks (7.95 K/9)  (AAA) 0-1, 8.2 IP (2 GS), 13.50 ERA (5.39 FIP), 13 Ks (13.50 K/9)  

MLB Comp: I don’t knowww howz about Kevin Gausman

Keller might one day be pretty good but uhhh even if so, not the best of hauls here for Greinke and sneaky nice piece in a one Carlos Santana. At least he won the other one up there / BackdoorSliderz
Thu, Jun 7
7:33 PMLTBS traded Austin Riley, Atl 3B to XYZ

(and I am sure some freaking draft pick was involved but whatever)

Riley:  (AAA) .345 OBP (102 ABs), 3 2Bs, 4 HRs, 10 Rs, 18 RBIs, 1 SB  (AAA) .394 OBP (99 ABs), 10 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 6 HRs, 17 Rs, 20 RBIs

MLB Comp: Slower Nicholas Castellanos sure why not.

I will just make this easy on myself and go with the non-draft pick side…. / X*Rayz

2018 Week 14 Review: “A Playoff Picture Taketh Shape Maybe” Edition

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Do NOT look at this GIF too long it kinda hurts your eyes. Also blah blah blah intro intro fucking intro, gonna skip the intro and throw up the tiebreakers for those that FORGOT and then get right into this thing……



1st Tiebreaker  –  Head To Head Record  –  Pretty self explanatory, if you won the season series against a team (PERHAPS BY SSS, SEASON SERIES SWEEP) then you obviously own the tiebreaker over a team. So since everyone plays everyone twice that refers to going 2-0 or 1-0-1 against an opponent.


2nd Tiebreaker  –  Division Record  –  BEHOLD CURRENT DIVISION RECORDS:


‘Topes –  5-2

RRF –  2-3

Bears –  4-2

X*Rayz    2-4

BackdoorSliderz –  3-3



Warriors –    4-3

Banana Slugs –  4-2

Bad Dudes –  4-2

OGTFC –  3-3

Bonerz –  a flaccid 0-5


3rd Tiebreaker  –  Wins  –  Less ties this year so this one’s less an issue, let’s hope we don’t even get to it.



4th Tiebreaker  –  Total Season Stats As Matchup –  Should mostly make sense, you take the two tied teams and look at who would win if you look at the entire season as one H2H matchup. That will teach you pussies that are afraid to stream to 18 starters in the extended weeks, is what that will do.


5th Tiebreaker – Record Last 9 Games  –  Yep we go all the way to 5.
















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Barnegat Banana Slugs Bounce Back, Past Lacey Township Backdoor Sliderz  –  7-5-2


MVP:  Eugenio Suarez  –  Somehow the Reds have scored the 4th most runs in the NL and so also Eugenio Suarez is second in baseball in RBIs. The Banana Slugs are 9th in the Backyard in RBIs and baseball is a majestic and mysterious game, is what it is.  9/21, 7 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, .571 OBP      

LVP:  Marcus Stroman    I’ve always thought Marcus Stroman has mostly sucked so I am just going to give this to him, still not really aiming for PEAK ANALYSIS or PEAK NON-TYPOS here. So yea fuck you Marcus Stroman I’ve known about you for years.  4.2 IP, 6 ER, 2 Ks, 11.57 ERA     


Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  Another unlikely big bopper for the Banana Slugs was Eugenio Suarez is Jesus Aguilar, who is no longer injured in case you haven’t noticed Banana Slugs ownership mention him a thousand times has been hitting dongs [again going off the chat I skim more than participate in] [ADJUSTED FROM WEEK 5] (7/25, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 9 RBIs, .367 OBP).

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Another week down, another week where Max Scherzer was so lights out it is starting to bore me JUST OKAY (13 IP, 7 ER, 12 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 4.85 ERA).


BackdoorSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Ozzie Albies still did his part, JROLL‘d right into your heart and I feel like it has been a while since one of those so this is “of note” (11/32, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 2 RBIs, 1 SB, .364 OBP).

BackdoorSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  Robbie Ray u bum (9.1 IP, 10 ER, 14 Ks, 9.64 ERA).


Week 15:  Banana Slugs v. X*Rayz (9-5 v. 6-8)

                   Sliderz @ Bears (6-8 @ 8-6)





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Astoria Isotopes Do Enough To Beat The Q-Tip City Morning Wood, As Many Have Before Them  –  8-2-4


MVP:  Aaron Judge  –  Look at Aaron Judge stealing two bases in a single game. TWO OF EM. ONE GAME. Good for him.  7/24, 6 Rs, 3 HRs, 3 RBIs, 2 SBs, .433 OBP

LVP:  Brandon Crawford    Look at Brandon Crawford regressing a wee bit because he knows he isn’t supposed to hit .300.  2/21, 2 Rs, .208 OBP     


Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Charlie Blackmon kinda got back to actually being noticed in a fantasy week, which must be nice for T (9/26, 6 Rs, 3 HRs, 5 RBIs, .357 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  And the ‘Topes said goodbye to TEAM STAPLE Jose Quintana in Week 14, so let us say goodbye to him and his not-good-enough-for-T QS on here as well (6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 3.00 ERA).


Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  JD Martinez still collecting ribbies and such (8/19, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .421 OBP).

Morning Pitcher Of Note:  Anddddd Carlos Martinez back on his craft after the slightest of bumpy stretches (13 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 2.08 ERA).


Week 15:  Isotopes @ RRF (10-3-1 @ 8-5, BBOTW) 

                   MW @ Dudes (1-13 @ 5-9)






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River City Bad Dude Set Sights On Late Postseason Push, Start With Victory Over Mission Valley X*Rayz  –  8-5-1


MVP:  Xander Bogaerts  –  Xander Bogaerts remember this guy? ME NEITHER FUCK HIM.  6/15, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 10 RBIs, .600 OBP

LVP:  Sean Newcomb    Seansy Newcomb with a POOR two start performance in Week 14, besmirching the good name of the X*Rayz pitching staff and its ERA.  6.1 IP, 10 ER, 5 K, 14.21 ERA 


Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Jed Lowrie likely putting the Dudes in a downright conundrum over whether or not they should try and ship him outta town, same as any other team he ever plays for (5/17, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .455 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  And shout out to Elieser Hernandez for perhaps putting together what will be the worst start of the year in the Backyard [not researched particularly thoroughly] (2.1 IP, 10 ER, 38.57 ERA).


X*Rayz Hitter Of Note:  SILVER LININGS ALERT, at least Billy Hamilton finally had a week where he was on base and stealing bases and doing his fucking job which is to steal bases (8/18, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 1 RBIs, 6 SBs, .500 OBP).

X*Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Blake Snell not an All Star and therefore not #elite (7.1 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).


Week 15:  Bad Dudes v. MW (5-9 v. 1-13)  

                   X*Rayz @ Slugs (6-8 @ 9-5)






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Rojo’s Renegade Force Get Sucked Into The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club’s Bullshit, Tie Em  –  6-6-2


MVP:  Chris Taylor  –  Really NOBODY should receive such an award but I guess uhhh props to Chris Taylor for triplin’ and homerin’ and shit which helped the RRF eek out the TIE.  9/24, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 1 HR, 7 RBIs, .423 OBP     

LVP:  Anthony Rizzo    I suppose I shall decide to give the OGTFC an LVP (rather than giving Eric Hosmer LVP which would have been groundbreaking Week Review type shit) because I do in fact blame Heroy for all the ties inflicted upon this league. But yea Hosmer sucked but Rizzo also wasn’t all that good, and for a greater number of ABs than Ahmed Rosario (who always sucks).  3/19, 3 RBIs, .200 OBP


RRF Hitter Of Note:  Nice to see Paul Goldschmidt back to having his shit together after a piss poor uhhhh May (13/29, 3 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .515 OBP).

RRF Pitcher Of Note:  Also nice to see Madison Bumgarner alive and uhhh okay (11.1 IP, 6 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 4.76 ERA).


OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Mookie Betts is good at baseball which is a good thing because he is also black so Bahsten would turn on him SO quickly (10/27, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, 1 SB, .452 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  Justin Verlander is also good at baseball and was traded for his troubles, I don’t know about you guys but I hadn’t even heard he was available (7 IP, 1 2 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 2.57 ERA).


Week 15:   RRF v. Isotopes (8-5-1 v. 10-3-1, BBOTW )

                    OGTFC v. Warriors (4-8-2 v. 11-3)





2018 WEEK 14 BACKYARD BATTLE OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY A BEAYER SINGING JOHN MAYER…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

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Garden State Warriors Mollywhop The Bell Road Bears, Much Like They Have Mollywhopped Pretty Much Everyone Of Late –  8-5-1


MVP:  Wil Myers  –  The Warriors carried out this mollywhoppin’ with the help of not one but TWO JROLLs but Wil’s was the slightly flashier of the two.  7/20, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 4 HRs, 8 RBIs, 2 SBs, .480 OBP     ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP:  Delino DeShields    TAKE YOUR PICK REALLY, the Bears O came out a little flat in Week 14 (a la a Rex Grossman offense). And unfortunately Delino came aboard and gave me absolutely nothing and I had to set him free which breaks my heart every time but is also a part of life.  1/14, 1 R, .133 OBP     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***     


Warriors Hitter Of Note:  And here is your second JROLL outta Yoan Moncada (11/32, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 6 RBIs, 1 SB, .364 OBP).

Warriors Pitcher Of Note:  AT LEAST USING MY OLD FRIEND Tyson Ross AGAINST ME BACKFIRED (2 IP, 8 ER, 2 Ks, 36.00 ERA).


Bears Hitter Of Note:  IN CONTRAST to the slumping Rangers that have inhabited my roster, Shin-Soo Choo gets on base a lot and just generally does a nice job of things (9/20, 3 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, .500 OBP).

Bears Pitcher Of Note:  Also GENERALLY doing a good job is a one Andrew Heaney and we generally thank him for it (14 IP, 6 ER, 20 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 3.86 ERA).




What can I sayyyyy really, ran into a real GWS BUZZSAW and they have now won 8 in a row ladies and gents. In Week 14 they nearly set the season’s runs record which would have been HARDLY necessary, the Bears O S’d a D and only mustered 5 HRs. So yea CLEAN SWEEP of the hitting cats for the Warriors (7-0) and then they outsaved the Bears by 1 save, so they conceded the pitching cats 1-5-1 and it didn’t even goddamned matter. Neither team pitched great but at least the Bears racked up 107 Ks. AT LEAST THAT.

In Week 15 the Garden State Warriors will go for magic number nineeee on their win streak, taking on the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club on OG turf. The OGTFC are still just a game or so outta the playoffs, I dunno I haven’t checked but they ain’t dead yet I am pretty sure. Speaking of not dead, the Bell Road Bears will host the not-dead Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz and I I think a W would justtttttt about clinch a #BackyardBracket spot for the Bears and make the remaining 3 weeks a couple team race for the 6 seed. I think that’s just about how that would work. Let’s just see what happens.

Week 15:  Warriors @ OGTFC (11-3 @ 4-8-2)

                    Bears v. Sliderz (8-6 v. 6-8)







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2018 Week 14 Review: “A Playoff Picture Taketh Shape Maybe” Edition


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HAPPY FOURTH! Also it is now the 5th so fuck off. Also we need to get some July Power Rankings in here just for HISTORICAL CONTEXT, they may be lighter on commentary than months past but they will not be wrong. To the Ranks…..which is a cooler way to say “Rankings”…..kinda like the “cats” instead of “categories” thing…..TO THE RANKS, COMPLETE WITH THE CAT RANKS….

(All stats through July 4th)

1- Garden State Warriors (10-3)

The Garden State Warriors were a solid 5-3 ’round the time of last month’s rankings and they ain’t…..lost….since. So now they are 10-3 and looking dangerous DESPITE a whole heap of fucking injuries, with the league’s best collection of middle infielders (Lindor, Correa (currently DL’d), Torres (currently DL’d), Moncada) and a team that keeps winning despite its CALLING CARD pitching staff still trying to work its way back from injuries (Strasburg, Darvish, Syndergaard have all been on the DL for at least a month and it ain’t much mattered) .

The Cat Ranks: Runs t-2nd, Doubles 2nd, Triples 1st, HRs 5th, RBIs 2nd, SBs 3rd, OBP 8th, Strikeouts 2nd, QS 4th, CGs 1st, Wins t-7th, Saves 2nd, Holds 9th, ERA 4th, MOVES 8th.

Why They’ll Win It All: They’ve won 7 in a gotdamned row, they have solid numbers across the board, lotta pretty names in their SP and MI slots.

Why They Won’t: PITCHING IS VOLATILE, always tough to trust certain arms to be health come playoff time and even if they are yanno…..even Clayton Kershaw gets blown up here and there. But this team is good so they’re likely my current favorite so that’s another reason why they won’t.

2- Astoria Isotopes (9-3-1)

The ‘Topes had a good claim at the top ranking for a good portion of the season but I do not think anyone can fault me for dropping them down to 2nd here, not in the same way that someone might fault me for the last time I did it (deservedly so). They remain a trio of excellent bats (Judge, Blackmon, Arenado) complimented by several more very good bats, and one excellent pitcher (Sale) complimented by not much else. Let’s see how it shakes out for them, I think they have a good shot at a bye and an even better shot that I talk about their spotty playoff record of late immediately following that bye.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 1st, Doubles 4th, Triples t-2nd, HRs 3rd, RBIs 4th, SBs 6th, OBP 3rd, Strikeouts 5th, QS 8th, CGs t-7th, Wins 9th, Saves 9th, Holds 3rd, ERA 6th, MOVES 5th.

Why They’ll Win It All: I dunno they’re just maybe DUE at this point (it has been decades), their bats can out-bat any other collection of bats in the league, I haven’t beaten them in like two years (FIREFLY ASSISTED MAYBE BUT NOT REALLY).

Why They Won’t: Lots of aspects of the pitching don’t inspire a ton of confidence, they haven’t won a playoff game in DECADES (seemingly), I have them ranked 2nd and not 1st, etc. etc. etc..

3- Barnegat Banana Slugs (8-5)

THE SLUGS. The Slugs may not lead the league in slugging percentage but they can slug a lil bit and can pitch a lot bit and therefore they cannot be slept on. A dominant pitching staff (Scherzer, Severino, Morton, Corbin, Bauer all dealing) has given the Slugs the luxury of not even having to make allll that many moves, and they’re slowly stockpiling a few 2018 breakouts (Aguilar, MAX MUNCY, Suarez and Rosario to an extent though I liked those guys in 2017), so the hitting could be plenty provided those surprises continue surprisin’. The Slugs have fallen on slight hard times since the last Power Rankings went to their head and that is why nobody should comment on their place in the Power Rankings.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 7th, Doubles 7th, Triples t-9th, HRs 7th, RBIs 8th, SBs 2nd, OBP 9th, Strikeouts 1st, QS 1st, CG 2nd, Wins 1st, Saves 5th, Holds 6th, ERA 2nd, MOVES 10th.

Why They’ll Win It All: Guys like Scherzer and Severino can win playoff matchups all on their own with 2 start weeks and CGs and Ks and the like, they’ve got jusssttt enough 2018 breakout bats littered throughout the roster to get by, maybe Josh Donaldson isn’t toast.

Why They Won’t: SEE WARRIORS about pitching volatility, see also their record across their last 5 after gettin’ reallll sure of themselves just waltzing on into a bye (still might end up with a bye but my point remains).

4- Bell Road Bears (8-5)

IF IT ISN’T THESE STILL KINDA UNDER-PERFORMING PIECES OF SHIT. One thing you note when you type out all these cat ranks is that it’s kinda hard for teams to move too far up and down these things, so the Bears numbers still look pretty awful from a time back when they weren’t known as the Bears. THAT BEING SAID there’s only one team that’s been better over the past two months or so (#1 up there), the BRBs have found ways to win. There’s also hope for a Votto 2nd half surge, Bellinger and Hoskins are getting their shit together, we aren’t dead last in QS for the first time in ages, etc. etc. Do not hibernate on the carnivoran mammals from the family Ursidae is what I am saying.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 10th, Doubles 6th, Triples 4th, HRs 8th, RBIs 6th, SBs 9th, OBP 10th, Strikeouts 3rd, QS 3rd, CGs t-5th, Wins 4th, Saves 3rd, Holds 7th, ERA 5th, MOVES 4th.

Why They’ll Win It All: Done it before can do it again, kinda feel due myself, kinda feel willing to drop just about anybody to get a goddamned playoff W at this point, now named in tribute to the all-time weenie dog GOAT.

Why They Won’t: That potentially reckless approach to the playoffs I alluded to above might not work out, numbers still ain’t great, a few teams seemingly HAVE our number, etc. etc. etc.

5- Rojo’s Renegade Force (8-5)

This lovable force, these renegades for whom’s defining strategy I love to critique without really knowing if I am right or wrong. As long as the RRF don’t win a championship I am right, but THIS YEAR I feel the least sure of that because these dudes are mashin’ (Cruz ❤, Gallo, Goldschmidt, Gattis all at 15+ dongs). If the old and/or oft-injured dudes of the pitching staff (Bumgarner, Cueto, Tanaka) can be effective come playoff time whommmm knowwwwws. The all-holds strategy will probably screw them over though.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 3rd, Doubles 3rd, Triples t-2nd, HRs 1st, RBIs 1st, SBs 10th, OBP 6th, Strikeouts 9th, QS t-5th, CGs t-3rd, Wins 2nd, Saves 10th, Holds 1st, ERA 7th, MOVES 3rd.

Why They’ll Win It All: THEIR INNOVATIVE HOLDS GUYS ONLY/DROP SIX GUYS AT ONCE LIKE WE ARE DOING A HOCKEY LINE CHANGE STRATEGY, also they lead the league in dongs and ribbies everyone loves dongs and ribbies.


6- Mission Valley X*Rayz (6-7)

Our defending champs have had a bit of an up and down season but are treading justttt enough water to currently have themselves in the playoffs, I think, so can’t rule out this crafty owner once he gets his hand on one of them top 6 seeds. A very muted performance from Billy Hamilton and yet the X*Rayz are still comfortably ahead in the SBs cat, Jose Ramirez is great, Jose Martinez has been very good. Oh yea and somehow this collection of weirdos is leading the entire Backyard in ERA.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 6th, Doubles 9th, Triples t-5th, HRs 10th, RBIs 8th, SBs 1st, OBP 7th, Strikeouts 6th, QS 2nd, CGs t-7th, Wins 3rd, Saves 1st, Holds 10th, ERA 1st, MOVES 1st.

Why They’ll Win It All: They did it last year, they’ve achieved a bit more balance in their lineup construction, they inexplicably have the league’s best ERA.

Why They Won’t: I am not entirely sure that balance is an entirely good thing and I am not entirely sure I believe this team will continue to lead the league in ERA and I am not entirely sure anyone should listen to me anyway.

7- Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz (6-7)

These unassuming blokes down in Lacey are somewhat forgotten in the Backyard shuffle (unless a Trump thing happens) but LO AND BEHOLD, some very fine offensive cat numbers for the BDSliderz. Part of that should be expected on a team that features Freddie Freeman, Jose Altuve, and Ozzie Fucking Albies but impressive nonetheless. They also have a nice looking ERA and I am now taking notice of this particular franchise. GOTTA MAKE THE PLAYOFFS first but if they do yanno, crazier things have happened.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 4th, Doubles 1st, Triples t-7th, HRs 4th, RBIs 5th, SBs 8th, OBP 2nd, Strikeouts 7th, QS 7th, CGs t-7th, Wins t-7th, Saves 8th, Holds 2nd, ERA 3rd, MOVES 6th.

Why They’ll Win It All: They are the only team WHOMS “why they’ll win it all” section i forgot to do that is why.

Why They Won’t: Their roster if you squint a bit in the right spots resembles the new “Youth Movement” and those fuckers never won much of anything until they got older, their contrarian politics upset my delicate libtard sensibilities, they are harboring AN ABUSER OF WOMAN despite campaigning as the league’s moral compass, etc. etc. etc.

8- River City Bad Dudes (4-9)

Oh boy, everyone’s favorite runner-up is FUCKIN UP. Alotta the River City Bad Dudes #s are still pretty solid but they’ve just found the perfect balance of doing just enough to lose to whatever opponent they happen to be playing, yanno most of the time. Like just about 70% of the time. If they manage to sneak into the Backyard Bracket they will be feared appropriately but yanno, gotta do that first. Manny Machado Bryce Harper Giancarlo Stanton all three of those guys are at 20+ dongs yet two of the three are kinda having “down years” and that sort of encapsulates everything, and encapsulates nothing, life is meaningless please continue to enjoy Arby’s.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 8th, Doubles 5th, Triples 8th, HRs 2nd, RBIs 3rd, SBs 7th, OBP 5th, Strikeouts 8th, QS 10th, CGs t-3rd, Wins 5th, Saves 4th, Holds t-4th, ERA 10th, MOVES 2nd.

Why They’ll Win It All: Well I mean they’ve been to like 3 straight BCS rounds or whatever, so if they keep going to those they should win another one eventually.

Why They Won’t: Work stresses, we are starting to veer into the territory where making the playoffs gets trickier (I IMAGINE, I AM NOT A MATHEMATICIAN), we are overdue for a horrifically underachieving Dudes roster missing the playoffs so they can shut up about “playoff streaks,” they are going to die on Defending Rougned Odor Hill, etc. etc.

9- OceanGate Trout Fishing Club (4-8-1)

Fishing Club ownership basically CONCEDED their season just because they couldn’t pull out in time or whatfuckingever, so yea technically their record is better than the guy above them (by a half game) but also technically they’re lucky I didn’t just make em 10th. Also this team has arguably the top two fantasy players in all of baseball (Mike Trout, Mookie Betts) and you could make a case for A GOOD AMOUNT of the top 10 or top 15 or whatever and they still put up a bunch of shit numbers somehow, in spite of having the top OBP in the league. I do not get it. Now I am mad. Next team.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 9th, Doubles 10th, Triples t-5th, HRs 9th, RBIs 10th, SBs 4th, OBP 1st, Strikeouts 4th, QS t-5th, CGs t-5th, Wins 10th, Saves 6th, Holds t-4th, ERA 9th, MOVES 7th.

Why They’ll Win It All: Uhhh I mean they still have Mike Trout and all those other “first rounders,” they won two years ago (seems like 200), also they’re only like a half-game out of the 6th seed.

Why They Won’t: NEW DADDY stresses, we are still in that territory where making the playoffs gets trickier (I IMAGINE), chronic underachieving roster or negative mWAR (managementWAR)or whathaveyou, their team name annoys me cuz they can’t fit “Ocean Gate” as two words, etc. etc.

10- Q-Tip City Morning Wood (1-12)

Shane, Shaneeee Shane Shane Shane Shane. The Bonerz probably aren’t as bad as their ONE AND TWELVE record might lead you to believe but, Reader, the Bonerz are not good. If the Bad Dudes took a master class on doing justtt enough to lose a matchup, Shane was very likely the professor for that class. And the Half Past 9 AM Hard-Ons do not always make good choices. And sometimes they get unlucky, but that is just life reminding them to make better choices. JD Martinez is their best player and second best might be like a tie between Brandon Belt or Mitch Haniger or something and I DUNNO, just seems like this team once had a lot more talent and now has very little talent to show for all that talent’s departure. As for Shane, GREAT GUY. I am a fannnnn of the mannnnnn. The chat is a better place when he is in it and I have no doubt at least some of his many many children love him. If I was a Bonerz fannnnnn though we would be well past the “burning all my jerseys” phase. Not that I think grown men should own jerseys, that’s a whole separate thing though.

The Cat Ranks: Runs 5th, Doubles 8th, Triples t-9th, HRs 6th, RBIs 7th, SBs 5th, OBP 4th, Strikeouts 10th, QS 9th, CGs t-7th, Wins 6th, Saves 7th, Holds 8th, ERA 8th, MOVES 9th.

Why They’ll Win It All: Readers, they will not.

Why They Won’t: Cuz they won’t, blame math.

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Thus concludes the July Power Rankings. In conclusion, this is once again the conclusion.


2018 Week 13 Review: “Andddd We Are Back” Edition

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GOOD TO BE BACK, WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR PICKING UP THE SLACK DURING MY HIATUS. I am still very very very depressed but the show must go on, perhaps badmouthing some of your player performances will help me heal. And with that, let’s look at Week 13……









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Lacey Township Backdoor Sliderz Deal Yet Another Blow To River City Bad Dudes Playoff Odds  –  8-3-3


MVP:  Alex Bregman  –  Alex Bregman was good. And yet HE WILL STILL DIE THE SAME WAY EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL SOME DAY DIE. So yanno maybe think about trading him or something.  13/28, 7 Rs, 5 2Bs, 5 HRs, 10 RBIs, 2 SBs, .516 OBP     ***MVP OF THE WEEK*** 

LVP:  Sonny Gray    Sonny Gray sucked and yet in the end he will be reduced to dust and forgotten by time, same as people that didn’t suck (this whole thing may have a bit of a “nihilist Arbys” feel to it I am afraid).  2.1 IP, 6 ER, 23.14 ERA


BackdoorSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Matt Carpenter is good again WHOOP DE FUCKING DOO WORLD, but nah I would certainly take him back whenever Doch is ready to send him back (10/20, 8 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, .583 OBP).

BackdoorSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  Actually let’s just streamline this whole “review,” if I don’t add in too much of my own commentary this will get along just fine Zack Greinke was just fine (7 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).


Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Addison Russell RBI’d up a storm so good on him (10/25, 6 Rs, 2 HRs, 11 RBIs, 1 SB, .429 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Kevin Gausman exists, weak K numbers and all (14 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.93 ERA).


Week 14:  Sliderz v. Slugs (6-7 v. 8-5),

                   Bad Dudes @ X*Rayz (4-9 @ 6-7)





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Astoria Isotopes And OceanGate Trout Fishing Club RUIN EVERYTHING, Record League’s First Tie Of 2018  –  5-5-4


MVP:  NONE  –  None.

LVP(s):  ‘Topes and OGTFC ownership, respectively    Not trying to name names but yea….     ***LVP(s) OF THE WEEK*** 


Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Way to NOT lead your fantasy franchise to either victory or defeat Aaron Judge (7/20, 7 Rs, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, .435 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  Way to NOT lead your fantasy franchise to either victory or defeat Cole Hamels and this one I especially mean because it feels better to me to point out bad performances because I am flawed in very human ways (10 IP, 11 ER, 12 Ks, 9.90 ERA).


OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Way to NOT lead your fantasy franchise to either victory or defeat Mookie Betts (7/20, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HRs, 1 RBI, 1 SB, .519 OBP)

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  Way to NOT lead your fantasy franchise to either victory or defeat Kyle Hendricks again yea this feels better (2.2 IP, 6 ER, 1 K, 20.25 ERA).


Week 14:  Isotopes v. MW (9-3-1 v. 1-11) 

                   OGTFC @ RRF (4-8-1 @ 8-5)






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Mission Valley X*Rayz Continue What Has Been An Impressive Follow Up Performance Outta The Q-Tip City Morning Wood  –  7-5-2


MVP:  Nicholas Castellanos  –  I really like this player. Good little player, racks up a shit ton of triples in that ball park. Although he didn’t rack up any in Week 13. That is all I have to say.  11/28, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 4 HRs, 12 RBIs, .452 OBP

LVP:  Dansby Swanson    Dansby switched back to 2017 Dansby for a hot sec here, let’s see if it continues. That guy was fucking awful.  4/29, 2 Rs, 1 RBI, .194 OBP 


X*Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Billy Hamilton now goes entire weeks without stealing even a single base, FALL FROM GRACE BILLY HAMILTON (5/20, 3 Rs, 1 RBI, .286 OBP).

X*Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Blake Snell good LAWD, quick note about Blake I listen to more WFAN than anyone really should and asshole Yankees fans CONSTANTLY call in there and casually mention that the Yankees should just casually offer some slop and pick up Blake Snell as if that is something the Rays would do and these fucking calls from morons make me dislike the common man more than I already did which was already a whole lot (14.1 IP, 1 ER, 20 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 0.63 ERA).


Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  MOSTLY a one man show out there in QTC, and that one man is JD Martinez (7/23, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .370 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  Behold Luke Weaver‘s last Boner start for the foreseeable future (4.2 IP, 8 ER, 5 Ks, 15.43 ERA).


Week 14:  X*Rayz v. Bad Dudes (6-7 v. 4-9)

                   MW @ Isotopes (1-12 @ 9-3-1)






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Bell Road Bears Don’t Beat Rojo’s Renegade Force At Their Own Game (Holds), Do Beat Them  –  7-5-2


MVP:  Rhys Hoskins  –  Rhys Hoskins’ post-fouled-ball-off-face numbers suggest that all struggling hitters should just foul a ball off their own fucking face.  6/27, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, .290 OBP     

LVP:  Chris Taylor    Chris Taylor should foul a ball off his own fucking face.  2/15, 1 R, 1 2B, .188 OBP


Bears Hitter Of Note:  Ian Desmond contributing on our roster just like he has been doing this entire time ever since we traded for him (6/23, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .261 OBP).

Bears Pitcher Of Note:  Freddy Peralta I like this guy THUS FAR (12 IP, 3 ER, 15 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 2.25 ERA).


RRF Hitter Of Note:  Evan Gattis quietly producing in what may be his last year of catcher eligibility for at least a hot minute if not forever (7/26, 3 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .321 OBP).

RRF Pitcher Of Note:  Dylan Covey also produced, just for me and not for Rojo (2.1 IP, 8 ER, 30.86 ERA).


Week 14:   Bears @ Warriors (8-5 @ 10-3, BBOTW)

                    RRF v. OGTFC (8-5 v. 4–8-1)






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Garden State Warriors Keep Rolling, Barnegat Banana Slugs Keep Losing, That Is How This One Shook Out  –  7-6-1


MVP:  Javier Baez  –  Javier Baez ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Was starting to think he would never quite vanquish the playing time competitional stylings of a one Ben Zobrist. I think he has done that now though.  14/29, 10 Rs, 6 2Bs, 2 HRs, 11 RBIs, .467 OBP

LVP:  Salvador Perez    Catchers can be tricky.  3/24, 1 2B, .125 OBP


Warriors Hitter Of Note:  Francisco Lindor is very good, far better than Tim Beckham (7/24, 7 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .370 OBP).

Warriors Pitcher Of Note:  James Paxton is very good and STRANGELY UNINJURED and under no circumstances should the Warriors trade him in a deal involving Tim Beckham (15 IP, 2 ER, 21 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 1.20 ERA).


Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  Jesus Aguilar who fucking knows what’s going on here but here it is, he’s up to 19 HRs or something kooky like that (8/19, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, .476 OBP).

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Andddd Charlie Morton really went K-razy last week, he had a lot of strikeouts SOMEONE CHECK THE SPIN RATES (13.2 IP, 2 ER, 24 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.32 ERA).




I think historically this is the point where I break down the matchup throw in a couple jokes some pertinent statistics WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?? Motivation remains low is my point, it’s amazing we’ve gotten this far. The Warriors took all of the hitting cats 7-0 and merely lost the pitching cats 6-0-1 and that is your synopsis, pretty cut and dry. Pretty bad pitching week for a team with a lot of pretty names in their pitchers in the Warriors, pretty bad hitting week for a team that’s definitely not being carried by their hitters in the Barnegat Banana Slugs. Anddd the end result is a SEVENTH STRAIGHT victory for the Garden State Warriors and a defeat for a Barnegat Banana Slugs team that has now lost 4 outta 5. They got a widdle big for their britches methinks.

In Week 14 the Garden State Warriors will go for 8 straight at the expense of me and the Bell Road Bears, Monday was a nice start for them and for that.  At least from a W-L perspective that’s your two best teams over the past two months or so, so that is your BBOTW. The Barnegat Banana Slugs, meanwhile, shall try to right the ship a bit against a Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz team that’s looking to sneak into the back of the Backyard Bracket.


Week 14:  Warriors v. Bears (103 v. 8-5)

                   Slugs @ Sliderz (8-5 @ 6-7)







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THERE, another fucking review done by me and me alone. It’s almost like you people don’t even care about the Backyard’s legacy. Get it together. And start keeping an eye on those playoff tiebreakers, perhaps I will even get them on the blog in some fashion at some point for a lil refresher.
2018 Week 13 Review: “Andddd We Are Back” Edition