ONWARD

#2 Ocean Gate Fishing Club

2019 RECORD:  9-8-1 + BCS Runner-Up

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  7-3-1, 4th place (2-1 Playoffs, BCS RUNNER-UP ONCE AGAIN). The OGTFC or the OGFC or WHATEVER will forever symbolize something beautiful about the Backyard, in that they used to be (and maybe at the moment this feels more like a “used to be”) I felt the best team on paper (err screen) just about every single year and just about every single year that wouldn’t matter a fucking bit. So it Greg is ANNOYING I might spin that as him being a failure (I know being labeled a “failure” at fantasy sports cuts deep)(actually with Greggers it might) but what I really think it was about, even moreso than the team needing a re-branding as the LessWithMores, was about the IDEA that you could win with just about any roster. This shit’s more roulette than chess. ANYWHO it would be nice for the BDSliderz to not win this year so this point can seem legit, but we aren’t talking about them right now we are talking about Team Greggers. Go blow another BCS matchup you magnificent bastards.

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  THE FISHING CLUB. Theseeee assholes. Fresh off their BCS appearance last year where they laid down like DOGS and failed to defend the honor of the trophy (which obviously doesn’t like going to the same team 2x in a row), they’re back with their solid core which keeps them in the hunt prrrrrobably every single year. Regardless of how ownership may try to stand in the way of that. Mike Trout, Mookie Betts, Trea Turner are all really really good Backyard participants. And apparently are pretty good IRL as well. Steady bats like Kris Bryant & Anthony Rizzo back those assholes up and then you have a whole buncha other assholes like Josh Bell, Jose Abreu,  JMichael Brantley, Kyle Schwarber etc. etc. that SHOULD be reliable but also COULD have a bit more room for regression baked in. Speaking of room for regression they also have kept a tether to their “Youth Movement” dayz by keeping guys like Nick Senzel, Kyle Lewis, & Eloy Jimenez around. The result is a bit of an incongruous combo of established bats and wild cards but it will PROBABLY work out for them. What do I know.

The pitching staff frustrated me below when I attempted to pick a dud and that’s probably a good thing, yes? They basically have 2-3 studs (Gerrit Cole, Shane Bieber, and perhaps Glasnow), 2-4 very good arms (Giolito, Castillo, maybe Glasnow here instead FOR NOW), and then 2-3 meh guys (Kyle Hendricks, Griffin Canning, Zac Gallen). What am I supposed to do with these names analyze them? I refuse.

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  LF/OF Eloy Jimenez  –  Eloy was certainly solid in year one but the scary thing, if there’s any way someone should find something in fantasy baseball to be ~scary~ (there isn’t), is that like Amed above Eloy got significantly better as the year went by. Perhaps cuz he’s shy of 24 years old. Let’s do the splits again I’m playing with the splits a lot for the finale: .241/.303/.482 in the first half vs. .292/.328/.592 in the second half. And that second half line can be dialed in even closer to a .308/.342/.575 line in Aug./Sept., with 14 Dongs delivered during that time. So yes THE KID IS GOOD. Could and should be even better this season.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  SS Dansby Swanson  –  Tis a testament to the Fishing Club roster that I had to stare at it for a bit before I could select a “dud” (and really that goes for the top 3 in these here previews) but I’m settling on Dansby here. He may not be a large part of the OGFC’s plans but should he get thrust into action at some point methinks there’s a chance he’s more 2017 Dansby than 2019 Dansby. HALF SEASON SPLITS ALERT:  after a solid 1st half (.270/.330/.493) he turned back into a pumpkin in the “second half” with a .204 average and a .308 OBP and a ghastly .254 OBP. He also went from striking out 20% of the time in the 1st half to 30% of the time in the second half and you realllllly need to have a better slugging percentage than that abomination if you want to whiff 30% of the time. Also fuck his name.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Tyler Glasnow  –  Gonna keep this one simple: he was filthy last year in 60 IP so why can’t he be filthy this year in 50-something IP? He CAN. Not that this is going out on much of a limb, and tbh there’s just not many guys in this staff that I need to or want to go out on a limb for. BUT last year the Rays were a little cute with Glasnow’s usage and I think this year they treat him more traditionally (I am prepared to be wrong on this) and with that comes more traditional VALUE. Value added. He can be a top 20 arm, if not top 15 if not top 10. MAN did the Pirates fuck up or what…  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Griffin Canning –  I’m actually sort of mad at Heroy (I may also just be hungry) for giving me this group of good starters and then some MEH guys and now I’m supposed to pick the meh guy that I think will be most MEH? Sorta bullshit. But alright I’ll bite sure GRIFFIN CANNING why not. He does put up some solid Ks numbers but he’s also going to be a part of a 6 man rotation (PITUH) and gives up a lot o hard contact. Too much hard contact. Out of Griffin. So yea let’s pick him.

#1 Lacey Township Backdoor Sliderz (ayyyy they can space it out now way to go Fantrax 🙂 )

2019 RECORD:  17-1 + BCS Champ (PROPS where props are due. But let’s not forget where that 1 came from 😉 )

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  8-3, 1st place (1-1 Playoffs).  Theseeee assholes again. After squeaking into the last available seed in the 2018 playoffs, and then winning the championship, the LTBS came back considerably stronger (or luckier? There’s some luck to this, it’s like poker, deal with it) and damn near ran the table. SO that’s two titles in two seasons for his Dochness, and staring at an attempt to become the second owner(ship group) in league history to 3peat. But he’ll have to do it in a season that will either be discredited by him or by everybody else, depending if he can actually pull it off. WE BELIEVE his luck will run out (See Soto, Juan) 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: What else can ya say but say this team has slowly but surely amassed a potent roster, OFTEN it’s my fault even (Cody Bellinger, Ronald Acuna, Fernando Tatis, OOPS TEE HEE 🙂 ). All of those guys are apparently pretty good, the silver lining being Bellinger’s 2019 first half and Tatis’ 2019 in its entirety were prrrrobably a good chunk of unsustainable bullshit. You have to have talent to get to certain numbers, but of course, but sometimes you also have to have the Baseball Gods on your side. And this team did. Juan Soto being diagnosed with covid on OD and Freddie Freeman currently being a little girl about it on the IL right now are perhaps signs the Baseball Gods are trying to bake in some regression, and the rest of the league shall need it.

The Sliderz Armz are ALSO a problem for opposing teams, I mean obviously. They only lost one game last season they were a problem for everybody. Not sure why that isn’t clear. But YEA Walker Buehler is forreal good which is unfortunate, and Jacob DeGrom and Justin Verlander and Zack Greinke are here, and Aaron Nola is no slouch (this is another one of mine tee hee). At least the rest of the staff (Ray, Folty, Lucchesi) have the potential to not be aces, and I for one hope none of them are. Fuck em. And also LETS TALK BULLPEN. Like to keep everyone on their toes so I’m going to acknowledge the Lacey bullpen. Liam Hendriks and Roberto Osuna are good the rest are meh. BULLPEN COVERED

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  3B Justin Turner –  Justin Turner is a great fucking hitter and a great man but he is no spring chicken, so it seems like every season inevitably his knee starts barking or something and he’s sidelined. so BEHOLD Mr. Turner, you only need to hold up for 60 games this season. Should be a piece of cake, and should he stay healthy he should be a real stabilizing OBP presence on a roster that doesn’t need any stabilizing per se. But they’re gonna get it anyway.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B Keston Hiura – It was tempting to jam Soto in here just to celebrate that news a bit more but I FOR ONE shall not be celebrating any covid IL stints this year cuz it’s too apocalyptic as it is. Lets just hope Soto misses most of the year and then is all out of sorts when he returns. But that him and his family are eventually happy and healthy. ANYWAYS Keston Hiura is likely a pretty good hitter but he is not a .400 BABIP hitter, cuz nobody is, but he was in 2019 (should also note fucking Tatis racked up a .410, just a real BLESSED season for the ButtSliderz amirite) so expect that number to come down this season (or who knows it’s 60 games, maybe it’s .500 this year) and with that comes the sweet sweet regression this squad deserves.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Vince Velasquez – This sickens me a bit because the last thing I need to do is root for this team to have a surprise stud pitcher BUT I still have love in my heart for VV and I believe he might yet be able to get his shit together under the Girardi regime. He’s had some problems with the long ball but there’s been talk of previous pitching coaches trying to work up in the zone in a way he was just plain uhhh BAD at, so I dunno. ERA could be 3.30 or it could be 5.30 and I wouldn’t bat an eye either way. I guess I have to root for the 5.30 though 😦

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Mike Foltynewicz  –  The beauty of this blurb is that it’s the last little fucking blurb I have to write for this stupid thing and it basically writes himself because Folty already WAS shit for half a season just last season. And it wasn’t really beinc “unlucky” or something, Folty’s FIP in the first half was 6.15 (to match up to his 6.37 ERA. Of course he righted the ship and pitched to a 2.65 ERA in the second half (3.77 FIP) but I mean, he’s sucked once he can suck again. Try that line on your WIVES you dumb married idiots. I’m running outta gas here clearly.

AND SO MERCIFULLY IT IS OVER. THERE WE HAVE IT FOLKS. BASEBALL IS BACK, BLOG IS BACK (maybe, in a sense), WEEKLY REVIEWS WILL MAYBE BE BACK (as in like every 4 matchups), TRADE REVIEWS WILL…….eh I dunno. Commitment isn’t really my thing so lets stop this now. No need to get carried away. Best of luck to all of you in this cursed season, as the planet actively tries to exterminate our species (sort of rooting for it).

now look at this:

 Alright my beautiful babies, FINAL FOUR here. I am sure this is where the win loss records fall apart but I don’t care, if baseball can’t be bothered to have the Toronto Blue Jays play in Toronto (or seemingly ANYWHERE) I can’t be bothered to line that shit up. Onward….

We have many logos okay…

#4 Island Beach Bears

2019 RECORD:  8-9-1

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  6-4-1, 4th place (1-1 Playoffs). I mean not to toot my own horn here but I think I deserve some credit for all the GREAT PLAYERS that I have briefly owned, but no longer own. Alotta greats have passed through these doors. And what we are left with now is a team that I think is just top to bottom real solid. Solid but unspectacular, but steady enough to slot right in the middle of the ole playoff pack if we were still having playoffs with some level of dignity. Alas we are not having those. And alas I can’t be steered to victory by my co-owner but I’m sure he can advise me on enough moves to maybe win a playoff matchup for a fucking change? That’d be nice. I’m a simple man of simple pleasures.

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  So now the FEELING I get when I glance at this roster is just…WOW. Such potential. Such potential that will be fully actualized. Ketel Marte and Austin Meadows are two young studs that were added last season and they’ll be real good OBVIOUSLY (the latter will need to return from this FUCKING virus first), Max Muncy is forreal and that dastardly Dave Roberts will have to really work overtime to keep benching him against lefties for no reason whatsoever, Marcus Semien was excellent last season and shall obviously be excellent again in his contract year, and BEST OF ALL Cavan Biggio is about to become a bonafide star. Ya got all that and ya got some other stuff and maybe Gary Sanchez will stay healthy and maybe ❤Edwin<3 has one more great year in him. And by “one” I mean three. So that’s the bats.

The pitching I’m even PROUDER of, because Blake Snell is definitely healthy and definitely not bouncing balls in the dirt in his final “spring” tuneup. He pairs nicely with Mike Clevinger as two aces on the staff, which is a personal best for my pitching staffs. Behind them we feel like we’ve got a buncha guys that are top 50 arms or so, like maybe seven guys in the top 60 or something. The whole staff, just good solid arms (and Dinelson Lamet and Joe Musgrove can both make a leap and so obviously they both will). So Michael Kopech can take his ball and go home and see if I fucking care. Also I know I haven’t really talked about the bullpen for anyone else but I will for my team and my team only:  We are happy to have Kenley Jansen back as our longest tenured arm and we also feel like Nick Anderson is really good and has only the “Rays Ways” standing in his…..way. Please note I probably felt the same way about Jose Alvarado last season…..turned out to be a misfire. HEY IN THIS SPORT YOU FAIL 7 OUTTA 10 TIMES AND YOU ARE A HALL OF FAMER AMIRITE?!

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  SS Cavan Biggio  –  I had to ship Jose Altuve outta town just to CLEAR ROOM for this guy, that’s how much we believe in Cavan. Helluva walk percentage last year, made verrrry little “soft contact,” 14 for 14 in SBs. LOOK AROUND and there’s a buncha 20/20 talk surrounding this guy, with a few concerns about his “swings less than Votto” approach but there’s a deep dive on this very website that shows he picked up the ole swinging pace towards the end last year. Just read that or something IDFK:  https://www.fantraxhq.com/breaking-down-biggio-a-deep-dive-into-cavan-biggio/ 

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  SS Carter Kieboom  –  The dud part is a bit hard to pull off when discussing one’s own team CUZ I MEAN if I think a guy is gonna be a true “dud” I should just not be rostering that guy, but in Carter’s case there’s a few caveats. Firstly he’s a prospect I’ve had like twice now, and he still has a whole buncha minors eligible ABs to try and figure this thing out. So we need to ride out that eligibility OBVIOUSLY (even with the tweaks to that system, always tweakin ya tweakers). Secondly team ownership thinks he’s eventually gonna be a real solid bat, team ownership just isn’t sure if that’s going to come to full fruition in a shortened season where he will be most focused on not booting grounders over at third. Lest he lose time to fucking Asdrubal Cabrera. So Carter may have some growing pains in the year twenty twenty Anno Domini.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Dinelson Lamet  –  UNFORTUNATELY (using another chunk from a previous preview, this is just efficient writing) Dinelson has been a sleeper darling all offseason so that’s a curse in and of itself BUT…..we think they get it right on this one, for a change. Lamet was being treated with kid gloves last season as he returned from TJ but this year he’s supposedly in line to be allowed to throw “without restrictions.” He also supposedly throws two sliders (both nasty) and had about 13 Ks per 9 last year across 70ish innings. If we decided he qualified he would have had a top 20ish for starters swinging strike percentage (14%). PS Blake Snell was tops amongst starters at 17.7, Gerrit Cole was the next closest at 16.8 JUSSAYIN.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Jake Odorizzi  –  As stated above we really find our collection of starters to be just CONSISTENTLY ABOVE AVERAGE but if I had to pick one guy I expect to let me down, without the influence of Dave Roberts (seriously I fucking hate that guy), it would be Jake Odorizzi. Because it certainly SEEMS like the Twins may have come to the decision he is best when pulled after the 5th no questions asked. He was very good last year, he was also only allowed to go 6 or more 10 times in 30 starts. PERHAPS QS is a dying stat anyhow and he just blends into the pack but also PERHAPS, that gets so annoying we have to tell him to hit the bricks. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#3 East Coast WhateverTheFuck (Lions?? Are they gonna be lion-themed?)

2019 RECORD:  10-8

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  7-4, 3rd place (3-0 Playoffs, BCS CHAMP).  That’s right that crown is NO ACCIDENT, friends. I believe, cuz I have to believe, that 3 titles in a row is just far too statistically unlikely to happen twice in this league. I also believe, as I have for several years now, that the core of this team is good enough to win a championship SHOULD THEIR OWNER PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION. Shorter season plays to the shorter attention span, ergo I predict they finally live up to the potential in the year TWENTY TWENTY. The asterisk title may be more curse than gift but all of the titles are pretty much meaningless, as is life, so don’t worry about it my brother. 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: I feel like I’m always gassin this roster up in these things and I don’t feel like it’s a fraternal thing but I would understand if someone made that accusation but let’s do it againnnn I guess. I mean thank god we took Ketel from this roster or else LOOK OUT AMIRITE?! Nah but their bats are okay, and they got Rhys Hoskins as a return in that deal anyhow and he’s pretty damn solid in this league. Other bats that are solid to above solid include yanno pretty much the ENTIRE lineup. You could make an argument there’s some work to be done with a last OF spot or last two OF spots or something but everywhere else is pretty damn good to great, particularly that Christian Yelich guy and that Gleyber Torres guy  and that great for a long time now Anthony Rendon CHARACTER. The bats are really solid throughout folks. OH YEA also Francisco Lindor and Javy Baez. See what I’m saying here?

The INTRIGUE here may be that for years this team was pitching staff heavy and didn’t quite have the same firepower on the other side of the ball, and now the other side of the ball may be a smidge better. That doesn’t mean the pitching staff isn’t very good, though. Stephen Strasburg, Jose Berrios, James Paxton, Carlos Carrasco, Clayton Kershaw all potentially GREAT when right (which I acknowledge can be said about all sorts of injury prone pitchers out there). Now this staff probably has the most risk baked into it in alllll the Backyard but again, the thinking here is the short season might benefit them most of all for that reason. Perhaps there’s no TIME for these guys to get hurt. Also David Price probably did them a favor by opting out. Also I assume this team, like the rest of your teams, has some relievers and maybe those guys are good I dunno. Short synopsis has no time for (most) bullpens.

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  SS Amed Rosario –  NOT that this team needs any help in the middle infield, in fact they probably need less, but I actually well and truly feel something might actually go the Mets way in the form of a real GROWTH SZN outta Amed Rosario. The kid already made for a sneaky Backyard asset even as he struggled to get his OBP up to snuff, chipping in 15 triples over the past two seasons (4th best in MLB). But what intriiiigues me is the tale of two halves for 2019. A not ideal .299 OBP in the first half was replaced by a .351 OBP in the second half, and the slugging percentage ticked up ’bout 40 percentage points. Not sure he’ll ever be confused for a power hitter but a sustained .350ish OBP would give him plenty of opportunities on the basepaths, perhaps plenty of opportunities to score runs should the rest of the Mets DO THEIR FUCKING JOBS. Amed could certainly stand to try and work a few more walks into his game but there’s folks that think he can get the average up over .300. I read it somewhere. On the world wide web. So HERE…..Ryan does not own David Dahl are you happy? Does not own David Dahl yet? 

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B/3B Ryan McMahon – Ryan McMahon hits the ball pretty damned hard and his name is similar to Ryan’s name and he popped 24 HRs last year so what is the problem here why isn’t he in the stud section amirite?! UAREWRONG, cuz he also hit the ball on the ground 50% of the time which means he needed a TWENTY SEVEN PERCENT HR/FB rate to get to those 24 Dongs. Sure there’s guys that had higher rates last year (that wacky fucking new baseball of theirs) but uhhh that’s pretty high man. Not too many true talent 27% hitters out there. He also struck out nearly 30% of the time which is pretty damn high itself. There’s a floor to be found here, Coors be damned . And also just like get the fuck out of Garrett Hampson‘s way mannnnn.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Jordan Montgomery – Perhaps this is Casual Yankees Fan Bias or Regional Bias but I’ve been far too in tune with Jordan Montgomery’s tuneups this year and the guy has looked GOOD. I watched the start on Sunday and he mowed those bitch-ass Mets down. Breaking balls looked filthy, he’s claimed it’s the best he has felt in “a while” and I just think he can be one of the two or three best pitchers in the Yankees rotation this season. PERHAPS meaning that James Paxton isn’t but that would be cuz of injury or something, I like the Big Maple no BM (hehe) slander here….

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Anthony Desclafani  –  They have a really good pitching staff so Desclafani is obviously their worst starter. Can’t I just stop here? I mean I probably could but I’ll go on. Sureeee he’s got pretty solid strikeout numbers but I just feel like this guy feels like he’s perpetually 25 and NO…..he’s 30. And he gives up a lot o Dongs and probably got lucky on both the BABIP and the strand rate last year. I just don’t think he’s particularly good, Sonny Gray made it work in the GAB but many other pitchers do not make it work there, more streamer than rostered fella IMHO. I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I SAID MORE THAN I NEEDED TO. 

I think this one may have had my most caps lock and we allllll know what that means. It means I’m getting bored of this shit already. THANKFULLY we have the final two tomorrow, which you can obviously guess (BUT NOT THE PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS MAYBE), so I’ll try and spice it up by including multiple personal attacks on both owners. I’ll also perhaps commit to some level of weekly reviews IN WRITING there to keep me honest, but when I say weekly I mean it will be like every 3 or 4 weeks or something boo hoo deal with it or write em yourself. I will see all of you, my many readers (Brian), tomorrow for the BIG FINALE and MULTIPLE REAL GAMES and POSSIBLY MIKE AND I EACH HAVING TO TAKE A BUNCHA AQUAVIT SHOTS.

now look at this:

jk nothing to look at eat a dick.

I really pondered why I write these before I wrote this, like I don’t give a shit about your teams I barely give a shit about my own. Same goes for fantasy sports as a whole. And the thing I care for LEAST really is this god forsaken blog. And yet I write, even though I don’t care about my readers. This may be why David Foster Wallace killed himself.

ANYWHO this one is gonna be my favorite, I think, so perhaps that propels me through. Might even get a bit verbose on this bad boy (which means lots of parenthetical asides such as so). These two were always meant to be together, we all know em and love em, they probably will be most offended by whomever I declare a “dud,” let’s not waste any more time and let’s bring em out here…….

First though CHECK THIS SHIT OUT….I should probably make this my logo, once I get tired of Brian’s tasteful interpretation.

SPEAKING OF…

#6 Barnegat Banana Slugs

2019 RECORD:  7-10-1

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  6-5, 6th place (0-1 Playoffs). I’m not going to sit here and imply that the BBS are going to be distracted by their League Office role (whatever those roles may be) in this topsy turvy 2020 season, I’m going to just say that the 6th seed is their true talent level. Regardless of the league office shit. WHICH, for my tastes, is off to an auspicious start 😉 😉 😉 (I’ve seen more leadership outta Biden and they’ve all but locked him in a basement until September, is what I’m sitting here implying).

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  The FEELING I get when I glance at that roster is that of a team that oozes potential but needs about 75 things to go right all at once, in a year when NOTHING HAS GONE RIGHT. Which maybe presents a situation where things go right for the Banana Slugs because that’s the sort of thing that would go right in this sort of year so maybe that’s a “sane man in an insane world” sort of thing. Which is no doubt what Slugs ownership thinks of themselves. BUT YEA Vlad Jr. and Bo Bichette can certainly be something at SOME point but why would that happen in a 60 game sophomore season….is what I’m saying. They’ll also need these buncha guys (Rosario, Gurriel, Suarez, Soler, Voit) to keep all the GAINZ from their career years and maybe some of them do but surely not all of them. Because life needs to make SENSE. I do think the other two Royals make for nice assets in this here league and I do admit Trevor Story is a real fantasy monster these days. That is a truth I hold to be self-evident. BUT I accurately predicted a sophomore slump for him once upon a time and that’s sort of the theme here now isn’t it. Blue Jays. sophomore. slumps.

The pitching feels like it has less of a floor but there’s still some pitfalls:  Jon Gray pretty consistently pitches better at home than on the road and THAT has to piss Coors off, Trevor Bauer had some correct points about the labor negotiations but REMAINS a tool that picks fights on Twitter and dates his “agent”….decide amongst yourselves which of those things is more pathetic. And BASEBALL WISE GAB is a hitters park and Trevor has one lone and truly ~good~ season to his credit. Alright enough on that schmuck. Max Scherzer is, obviously, one of an ever-dwindling number of starters that can can and will carry a fantasy rotation in a week (which I guess would be TWO weeks in this son of a whore of a season)(Hamilton reference for Bri there). Chris Paddack & Kirby Yates I’m a fan of both of these Friars, they’ll be an asset for the Slugs surely. Anddd if post-PEDs Frankie Montas is still nasty this overall band of arms is probably in pretty good shape all things considered. I trust this ownership group to tinker as needed and I root for Bauer implosions that might test that tinkering. He’ll never quit him though.

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  SS Adalberto Mondesi  –  Lord knows I’ve shit on this man’s batting profile in the past and LORD KNOWS there’s a real floor here but LORD ALSO KNOWS there’s really not a more dynamic player in this league when he’s on. In theory. I can argue. Particularly since there is no lord. But yeah I know I’ve been skewing speed on these stud bats, I think sometimes, but Adalberto is in a class of his own (mostly) in terms of his ability to have a hot week and rack up 3 triples 6 steals that sorta shit. It appears trading Carlos Martinez for him was wise. Is what last year told me.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  1B Yuli Gurriel  –  Yuli is ALLEGEDLY 36 now, and not to take this to a racial place, but let’s be honest that could mean 40. And he just used a juiced ball and a few trashcan bangs to bang his way to 35 Dongs (I saw a very compelling video of him seeing a Jonathan Loasiga changeup was coming last year via BANG BANG BANG. Anywho I’m not sure what the status is on the ball, I’m pretty sure they won’t use trash cans anymore, I’m also pretty sure it won’t matter either way. Yuli ain’t no slugging first basemen in my book and I won’t adjust that book for anybody.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Frankie Montas  –  UNFORTUNATELY for those league owners out there that enjoy seeing bad things happen to the Slugs, if there could possibly be such a thing (and honestly if that’s you what you need to do is look long and hard in the mirror and ask yourself what that’s about, and maybe cut your hair it’s getting really long. Brian is a decent man! You unknown scoundrels), it appears Frankie may be forreal. He’s looked great in whatever this spring training type thing should be termed and the velocity is there and he was named the Opening Day starter and the whole nine. Whole fuckin’ shebang. So that’s a shame. I think the Slugs got to just up and grab him at that point last year where everyone was waiting to grab him due to superior waiver order (something I don’t believe in) and now here we are, and we are just going to have to learn to live with it. At least Lance Lynn probably isn’t this good.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP JA Happ  –  JA, bless his heart, squeaked out a few extra years with some sorta elevating the fastball thing across a few seasons but he’s officially run outta fastball elevation. Guy can’t keep the ball in the park, Yankee Stadium certainly doesn’t help here, but I think he’s gonna suck hard and quickly lose his gig on both the Pinstripes and the Nanslugs. Banslugs? Nanslugs. MAYBE Nannerslugs.

#5 River City Fightin’ Margs

2019 RECORD:  6-9-3

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  6-4-1, 5th place (1-1 Playoffs).  Pretty much the same synopsis above implies, because everyone knows this guy is trying to play PUPPETEER behind the scenes. Shadow government. Buy Shane dinner first before you jam your hand up there WOULDYA. But yea the Margs are what they are. 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: I’m not entirely sure what happened to the Margs last year but I think it’s somehow connected to the same forces that made nobody wanna sign Manny Machado or Bryce Harper…. and then when they DID sign they were sorta meh the whole year (poor Bryce was fine he’s just cursed by the 197 wRC+ season he shall never repeat, which just isn’t his fault). But anyway I’m not here to defend Bryce Harper via parenthetical I’m here to badmouth Mike’s team so let’s get on with it. The bats here have a pretty wideeee range of outcomes when you look at them:  Giancarlo Stanton, Nomar Mazara, Eric Thames, Byron Buxton, Yoenis Cespedes, ALL OF THOSE GUYS could put up great seasons or terrible seasons and it wouldn’t really surprise me either way (Giancarlo really only stumbles if he misses time, the rest of them can probably be in the lineup and range from “meh” to trash). The more reliable names are probably that dickhead on the Red Sawks (Xander), Pete Alonso, Wilson Contreras, Matt Chapman, etc. etc. These guys I mostly expect to do what they are expected to do, though a sophomore slump from the Polar Bear would be fun. By and large the bats here will live and die with the wide range of outcomes on a whole buncha guys and then how much of  rebound you see out of Machado. I really don’t know what more people expect out of Bryce but it FEELS LIKE Philly is probably mad at him. Love that place. Oh yea and Rougned Odor sucks and offends me as a hitter.

The arms here are the REAL MYSTERY, because I could swear I recall Mike saying to me beside his pool that his pitching staff was “great” or something and then I log on to fantrax dot com and this is what I am greeted with:

A BUNCHA GIANT FUCKING QUESTION MARKS. Sure everybody loves them some Brandon Woodruff and he’s probably really good but the rest of these guys? Questions abound. I’ve never been a fan of Stroman (maybe he’s ~okay~ I dunno), McCullers & Rodon who knows what you’re gonna get, ditto for the returning to the rotation C-Mart, Corbin Burnes trash Freddy Peralta who knows what he is or what his role is (also why so many fucking Brewers pitchers, is everything okay Mike?), Sean Manaea is usually ~okay~ (he’s been getting rocked all “spring” whilst working on his Randy Johnson-aided slider or whatfuckingever), I’m just very perplexed is what I’m saying. I could SWEAR Mike spoke highly of this group of arms and now I’m staring it dead in the face and I’m wondering if it’s inside the league’s top 5. And now I’m also going over everything he’s ever said to me. And I encourage you all to do the same. #DefundLobman

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  LF/CF/RF/OF David Dahl –  This feels like the perfect storm of a season for Dahl to actually remain moderately healthy and put up large numbers, leading to BIG DREAMZ for his fantasy owners for 2021. Which will then be derailed when he shits out his gall bladder or something. Dahl was pretty damned solid last year in his own way (sky high BABIP aside) to the point where I’m sort of surprised the Margs didn’t parlay it into a trade of some sort, but I’ll blame THIS DAMNED VIRUS for really tamping down the league’s trade winds. Which is a shame. Your family’s will all die eventually anyway so that should in no way interfere with you shopping your top 50 OFs. I MISS ROSTER CHURN.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B Rougned Odor – This……this was inevitable. Similarly inevitable are the 3 or 4 weeks where “Rougie” puts up league-leading LVP numbers and BOOM that’s half the season. This guy sucks. I’m surprised Lobman hasn’t dug up some tweet about him being “6-12” in simulated games and vomited that thing into the chat but I’m also not paying great attention to the chat so maybe he has.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Lance McCullers – Take what I just said about Dahl  up there and apply it to Lance down here. Whom I LOVE. But yea 60 game season means McCullers largely without restrictions, I expect him to shine (with occasional bouts of walking like 7 in 3 IP) and then I expect him to come back last year and rip his arm from its socket on a beautiful 12-6 curve to even the count at 1-1. Honorable mention same exact scenario except make it a slider:  Carlos Rodon

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Carlos Martinez  –  Maybe this is just to draw scrutiny to the Mondesi deal again (I mean it’s all laid out here STUD vs. DUD) but also maybe I really do think he’s gonna be a bit of a Dud. And I KINDA DO. For starters you need to pitch him out of a P or RP slot for his first five go-rounds, for seconders his shoulder’s been known to give way with a starter’s workload, for thirdlys I’ve heard his commitment to conditioning and whatnot in between starts has been called into question a few times. There’s an article about it! That article seemed to mention Adam Wainwright and his work ethic a lot so it may be a racist St. Louis beat writer sorta issue (Cano vs. Pedroia all over again) but it may also be true. The fact that a guy as good as Carlos Martinez once was had to compete to win the “5th starter” role gives me pause. And he’s on Mike’s team so fuck ’em I hope he’s terrible.

FINAL FOUR COMING UP IN THE FINAL TWO DAYS, each of which will feature actual baseball. Whatta majestic country.

now look at this:

I HAVE NO INTRO, so here look at this…….

#8 Rojo’s Renegade Force

2019 RECORD:  7-10-1

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  5-6, 8th place (0-1 Playoffs). If there’s anyone that’s susceptible to just sort of forgetting that we are actually attempting a season in this THICK SOUP OF A VIVID NIGHTMARE OF A YEAR, it is Rojo. I’m not even entirely sure whom is on his team so this is mostly based on my wariness about the man himself.

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  You know what the cupboard isn’t bare, but there’s also no way for me to make an “Indian in the Cupboard” reference here because there’s no Cleveland representation. But if I could have done that I would have been like “MAN am I fucking good at this or what?!” But I couldn’t so I’m not. N E wayz there’s some decent bats here, which makes sense as I seem to remember this team near the Backyard Hitting Leaderboards at the end of last year (which will burn to the ground if we don’t remove the extra bat before OD….ahem). Rojo is the sort of Yankee fan that can make peace with rostering Rafael Devers so that’s fucking disgusting. Definitely the most heinous roster issue that’s ever sprung up from this team and its ownership. Uhhh some other guys that are less heinous for him to roster include George Springer (except cheater TELL ‘EM T) and Joey Gallo and MITCH GARVER seems like a fine hitter out of the all-annoying catcher spot. Baseball should replace both catchers and umpires with robots.

So yea there’s good bats and there’s Charlie Morton and maybe Yu Darvish and maybe whatever’s left of Corey Kluber (and of Paul Goldschmidt for that matter, he of his 34 HR down years, but we are done covering hitters). THERE’S GOOD PLAYERS OKAY. I just don’t trust the ship to have rudders at all of the times it needs to have those things. I’m no sailor but have you SEEN the way Rojo has been letting his hair and beard go? Doesn’t inspire confidence from shareholders.

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  CF/OF Victor Robles – This feels a lot like the Luis Robert pick from yesterday but I swear I’m not going to just keep going with young speedsters (at least I don’t think so) but also I’m not just gonna fucking be like “GOLDSCHMIDT WILL PROBABLY BE GOOD.” Where’s the joy in that, I ask you. So yea Robles. This cat actually amassed solid stats last season, and it feels like Rojo has owned him forever, and yes AGAIN I think this might be another one of those guys that really shines in the short stint. “Fantasy analysts” shall spend all of next February trying to decide how high he should be drafted, and wherever they decide will probably be too high. But we are off topic, HE IS GONNA STEAL BASES AND THAT’S ALL I AM LOOKING AT THIS YEAR.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B Jason Kipnis – No WAY this guy ain’t cooked, right? He’s gotta be fucking cooked. You’re telling me Brian Dozier the Bulldog Gawd can’t find a job in baseball but this dipshit is going to get some NL DH ABs for the Cubbies? Fuck that. Find a better fucking second basemen, ‘Gades. Putting him in the actual 2B slot should feel embarrassing.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Kenta Maeda – The thing about dancing with mid-rotation Dodgers arms is they just loveeeee pulling some of those arms out of the fucking game they’re cruising through at like 60 & 70 & 80 pitches, with no regard for strikeouts or nastiness or cruising. I have watched Maeda cruise on my behalf, SEVERAL TIMES,only to be pulled by Dave Roberts shy of the 6th, shy of the 5th, often shy of 90 pitches. So fuck Dave Roberts with a spiky one. Rocco Baldelli, however, great man. SO what’s important here is I don’t think it’s crazy to think Rocco might not have the samequick hook for Kenta (unless he does….. see Jake Odorizzi). But I meannnn it’s a short season, Maeda isn’t some young arm they’re protecting, Minnesota is very clearly a very racist state. Let the chink throw I say.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Madison Bumgarner – I just do nawtttttt see Arizona going particularly well for Mr. MadBum. That park plays up for Dongs and MadBum’s dong rate was up last year, San Fran was obviously a pitcher’s park but his road ERA last year you ask?  5.29. So when I say “nawt particularly well” I mean ERA over 4.5 nawt particularly well. And he’ll be all salty about some hitter watching a Dong for too long and it’s what he deserves, truly. I’m far more interested in what that nervous Ford salesman fellow is up to these days to be honest. REMEMBER THAT GUY?

#9 Astoria Isotopes

2019 RECORD:  8-10

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  5-5-1, 7th place (1-1 Playoffs).  The ‘Topes feel like the team poised to get most battered by VIRUS this season cuz why not. If we all were to contract coronavirus and I had to place bets on who survives it Mikey T’s slender frame would have him somewhere near the top of list. After Rojo of course. And Brian. And maybe Shane. YOU’VE GIVEN UP TOO MUCH OF YOUR LIFE FORCE SHANE (sperm). 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: Only two years removed from NOT SHOWING UP in the BCS, this team is yanno….still here. Still relying on power, at least PROJECTED power, with 11 guys projected for DoubDigDongs© and I dunno that’s maybe the most in the league? Maybe tied for the most in the league? I’m not gonna mail this shit in and then go and check that. They also have Sam Hilliard, whom I LOVE, hanging in there in the minors projected for 9 Dongs. Which sounds doable. Other doable Fantrax HR projections:  Moustakas, ‘Nado, Judge if he stays healthy (big if), Khris Davis if he stays healthy. Non-doable Fantrax HR projections:  Matt Olson (meh), Joc (see below), Judge (won’t stay healthy), Eduardo Escobar (NOT BUYIN IT EDDIE). So there you have it there’s the bats.

Starting to wish I spent more time expounding upon the bats cuz these arms GAH. Let’s just do some Nahs (shoutout to Nas) and then maybe some Yeahs. NAH:  Minor, Marquez, Hamels, Hudson, these men ALL suck. Sadly even Dellin Betances sucks now (ve-lo is gone-o). So really this ENTIRE pitching staff makes me sad, what the fuck happened here (aside from the Sale tragedy 🙂 )? I don’t even have any Yeahs. I kinda like Randy Dobnak a little, I guess. JUST A SMIDGE though nothing crazy. Wouldn’t date em.

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  RF/OF Franmil Reyes –Franmil is a large man and he hits the ball VERY hard and back in March he was like 12-27 with 5 Dongs. Now does that matter now, no. But does the fact that he dropped 18 pounds in the offseason and still kept mashing those Dongs and doesn’t have to play the field ever again if the Indians so choose matter? YES. Yes it matters. This is precisely the sorta fella that could start this abbreviated season hot and end up the MLB leader in HRs. In fact maybe I’m even predicting that (only will reference this if it actually happens, obviously).

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  1B/LF/RF/OF Joc Pederson – Not that I think they’re relying on Joc per se but a platoon bat in a shortened season PITUH…PITUH *spitting on the floor*…. pituh. Joc is also the sorta guy that might bat .100 for a few weeks even against righties and then uhhh he’s out of a job. He just has such a dumb face that I feel like he’s too aloof to get motivated by the fact that the Dodgers basically traded him already.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  German Marquez – SIMILAR THEME here which I love but PLATOON ARM IN A SHORTENED SEAON PUHH PITUH PUHHH. Coors Field is undefeated and Marquez had a 6.26 ERA there last year so uhhh….I mean he’s getting that OD start on the road. Got that going for him. But yea rostering zee German this year is rough. T’s gonna stand by his man though, I AM SURE.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM: German Marquez – SIMILAR THEME here to the dud bat which I love, PLATOON ARM IN A SHORTENED SEAON PUHH PITUH PUHHH. Coors Field is undefeated and Marquez had a 6.26 ERA there last year so uhhh….I mean he’s getting that OD start on the road. Got that going for him. But yea rostering zee German this year is rough. T’s gonna stand by his man though, I AM SURE.

TWO DOWWWNNNN. I’m really hitting my creative writing stride, go back up and look at the “Indian in the Cupboard” reference again. And I mean REALLY…..look at it.

now look at this: