WEEK 14…….the perfect time to
start overanalyzing everyone’s season long stats even though all rosters have gone through numerous changes throughout the year (well maybe not Cliff’s roster) and will continue to do so, rendering season to date stats kinda arbitrary. quickly and efficiently present the Power Rankings while also quickly and efficiently looking at every team’s current roster and identifying their best player (this season only), worst player (mainstays from this season only, minors players excluded), and best trade targets (what I deem to be “realistic options” only, TRADING IS ENCOURAGED!). SO YEA LET’S DO THAT ANYWAYS…….
1- Rojo’s Resurgence (9-4)
BEST PLAYER: Paul Goldschmidt, although my main man Nelly Cruz is giving him a run for his money.
WORST PLAYER: Carlos Gomez, much to Matt Kemp’s delight. Also DROP GIO ROJO. Honorable mention Gio.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: Kelvin Herrera should Rojo ever fucking diversify a bit, Michael Fulmer should Rojo worry about his innings limit.
2- Barnegat Banana Slugs (8-5)
BEST PLAYER: Josh Donaldson
WORST PLAYER: Trevor Story once he regresses to the mean.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: Adrian Gonzalez, Logan Forsythe, Joc Pederson should Brian finally be willing to give up, Sonny Gray if you hate yourself.
3- Main Street MooniniteZ (7-5-1)
BEST PLAYER: Edwin Encarnacion
WORST PLAYER: Raisel Iglesias and his kicked out of the rotation ass.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: Raisel Iglesias and his kicked out of the rotation ass, Seung Hwan Oh, AJ Ramos, Vincent Velasquez, Lance McCullers, Rajai Davis, Orlando Arcia, Alex Reyes, Ben Zobrist (basically I just used this as my trading block, SOME OF THESE GUYS ARE MORE REALISTIC THAN OTHERS.)
4- Point Loma X-Rayz (7-5-1)
BEST PLAYER: MAYBE Jean Segura. I shit you not. Also maybe Charlie Blackmon.
WORST PLAYER: Dee Gordon because cheating is wrong and he can’t be DL’d.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: Wade Davis should he avoid TJ surgery, Jose Ramirez should Odom be willing to sell high.
5- Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (6-5-2)
BEST PLAYER: THIS YEAR I think it’s Kris Bryant currently.
WORST PLAYER: Jake Odorizzi. Has Heroy been holding onto Jake Odorizzi for the entire year?! I feel like he has. Why is anyone’s guess.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: Aaron Sanchez, everyone is always trading that guy. Fernando Rodney if you’re into holds. Taijuan Walker if you’re into never-fully-reached potential.
6- River City Cuban Missiles (5-5-3)
BEST PLAYER: Manny Machado
WORST PLAYER: Yasiel Puig, fuck that guy.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: Edwin Diaz and Matt Bush and don’t let him tell you he doesn’t want to negotiate for these players just DO IT. Also uhhh Carlos Martinez or Michael Wacha if you are into that sort of thing. Sure.
7- Bad Drake Puns (6-6-1)
BEST PLAYER: Jose Altuve.
WORST PLAYER: Ender Inciarte. Particularly when he plays him through his injuries.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: I don’t know whatever Mikey T makes him trade to him. THEORETICALLY Carlos Carrasco, Drew Pomeranz, Carlos Santana, Albert Pujols.
8- Pine Lake Jumpmen (5-8)
BEST PLAYER: Clayton Kershaw
WORST PLAYER: Adam Washedupwright. (In all honesty worst players are often not half bad.)
BEST TRADE TARGETS: Anthony Rendon, Odubel Herrera, Christian Yelich, CarGo, Carlos Rodon.
9- Springfield Isotopes (4-7-2)
BEST PLAYER: ARGUABLY IT IS FREDDIE FREEMAN, MIKE. But no probably Miguel Cabrera.
WORST PLAYER: Dallas Keuchel. And/or Prince Fielder.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: DAVID MOTHERFUCKING PHELPS. Also Evan Longoria. Also anyone really, this team should be selling it all. SELL IT ALLLLLLL.
10- Whitestone Bulldogs (3-10)
BEST PLAYER: Daniel Murphy
WORST PLAYER: Michael Brantley in a sense. In a sense, it is Michael Brantley. In another sense it is “Inattention”.
BEST TRADE TARGETS: Not applicable (Cliff will never check the offers anyways.)