2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: Numba 1 and Numba 2

ONWARD

 

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who knows (or cares!) what their actual logo is these days, it’s THESE GUYS okay

 

#2 Ocean Gate Fishing Club

2019 RECORD:  9-8-1 + BCS Runner-Up

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  7-3-1, 4th place (2-1 Playoffs, BCS RUNNER-UP ONCE AGAIN). The OGTFC or the OGFC or WHATEVER will forever symbolize something beautiful about the Backyard, in that they used to be (and maybe at the moment this feels more like a “used to be”) I felt the best team on paper (err screen) just about every single year and just about every single year that wouldn’t matter a fucking bit. So it Greg is ANNOYING I might spin that as him being a failure (I know being labeled a “failure” at fantasy sports cuts deep)(actually with Greggers it might) but what I really think it was about, even moreso than the team needing a re-branding as the LessWithMores, was about the IDEA that you could win with just about any roster. This shit’s more roulette than chess. ANYWHO it would be nice for the BDSliderz to not win this year so this point can seem legit, but we aren’t talking about them right now we are talking about Team Greggers. Go blow another BCS matchup you magnificent bastards.

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  THE FISHING CLUB. Theseeee assholes. Fresh off their BCS appearance last year where they laid down like DOGS and failed to defend the honor of the trophy (which obviously doesn’t like going to the same team 2x in a row), they’re back with their solid core which keeps them in the hunt prrrrrobably every single year. Regardless of how ownership may try to stand in the way of that. Mike Trout, Mookie Betts, Trea Turner are all really really good Backyard participants. And apparently are pretty good IRL as well. Steady bats like Kris Bryant & Anthony Rizzo back those assholes up and then you have a whole buncha other assholes like Josh Bell, Jose Abreu,  JMichael Brantley, Kyle Schwarber etc. etc. that SHOULD be reliable but also COULD have a bit more room for regression baked in. Speaking of room for regression they also have kept a tether to their “Youth Movement” dayz by keeping guys like Nick Senzel, Kyle Lewis, & Eloy Jimenez around. The result is a bit of an incongruous combo of established bats and wild cards but it will PROBABLY work out for them. What do I know.

The pitching staff frustrated me below when I attempted to pick a dud and that’s probably a good thing, yes? They basically have 2-3 studs (Gerrit Cole, Shane Bieber, and perhaps Glasnow), 2-4 very good arms (Giolito, Castillo, maybe Glasnow here instead FOR NOW), and then 2-3 meh guys (Kyle Hendricks, Griffin Canning, Zac Gallen). What am I supposed to do with these names analyze them? I refuse.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  LF/OF Eloy Jimenez  –  Eloy was certainly solid in year one but the scary thing, if there’s any way someone should find something in fantasy baseball to be ~scary~ (there isn’t), is that like Amed above Eloy got significantly better as the year went by. Perhaps cuz he’s shy of 24 years old. Let’s do the splits again I’m playing with the splits a lot for the finale: .241/.303/.482 in the first half vs. .292/.328/.592 in the second half. And that second half line can be dialed in even closer to a .308/.342/.575 line in Aug./Sept., with 14 Dongs delivered during that time. So yes THE KID IS GOOD. Could and should be even better this season.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  SS Dansby Swanson  –  Tis a testament to the Fishing Club roster that I had to stare at it for a bit before I could select a “dud” (and really that goes for the top 3 in these here previews) but I’m settling on Dansby here. He may not be a large part of the OGFC’s plans but should he get thrust into action at some point methinks there’s a chance he’s more 2017 Dansby than 2019 Dansby. HALF SEASON SPLITS ALERT:  after a solid 1st half (.270/.330/.493) he turned back into a pumpkin in the “second half” with a .204 average and a .308 OBP and a ghastly .254 OBP. He also went from striking out 20% of the time in the 1st half to 30% of the time in the second half and you realllllly need to have a better slugging percentage than that abomination if you want to whiff 30% of the time. Also fuck his name.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Tyler Glasnow  –  Gonna keep this one simple: he was filthy last year in 60 IP so why can’t he be filthy this year in 50-something IP? He CAN. Not that this is going out on much of a limb, and tbh there’s just not many guys in this staff that I need to or want to go out on a limb for. BUT last year the Rays were a little cute with Glasnow’s usage and I think this year they treat him more traditionally (I am prepared to be wrong on this) and with that comes more traditional VALUE. Value added. He can be a top 20 arm, if not top 15 if not top 10. MAN did the Pirates fuck up or what…  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Griffin Canning –  I’m actually sort of mad at Heroy (I may also just be hungry) for giving me this group of good starters and then some MEH guys and now I’m supposed to pick the meh guy that I think will be most MEH? Sorta bullshit. But alright I’ll bite sure GRIFFIN CANNING why not. He does put up some solid Ks numbers but he’s also going to be a part of a 6 man rotation (PITUH) and gives up a lot o hard contact. Too much hard contact. Out of Griffin. So yea let’s pick him.

 

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#3 Lacey Township Backdoor Sliderz (ayyyy they can space it out now way to go Fantrax 🙂 )

2019 RECORD:  17-1 + BCS Champ (PROPS where props are due. But let’s not forget where that 1 came from 😉 )

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  8-3, 1st place (1-1 Playoffs).  Theseeee assholes again. After squeaking into the last available seed in the 2018 playoffs, and then winning the championship, the LTBS came back considerably stronger (or luckier? There’s some luck to this, it’s like poker, deal with it) and damn near ran the table. SO that’s two titles in two seasons for his Dochness, and staring at an attempt to become the second owner(ship group) in league history to 3peat. But he’ll have to do it in a season that will either be discredited by him or by everybody else, depending if he can actually pull it off. WE BELIEVE his luck will run out (See Soto, Juan) 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: What else can ya say but say this team has slowly but surely amassed a potent roster, OFTEN it’s my fault even (Cody Bellinger, Ronald Acuna, Fernando Tatis, OOPS TEE HEE 🙂 ). All of those guys are apparently pretty good, the silver lining being Bellinger’s 2019 first half and Tatis’ 2019 in its entirety were prrrrobably a good chunk of unsustainable bullshit. You have to have talent to get to certain numbers, but of course, but sometimes you also have to have the Baseball Gods on your side. And this team did. Juan Soto being diagnosed with covid on OD and Freddie Freeman currently being a little girl about it on the IL right now are perhaps signs the Baseball Gods are trying to bake in some regression, and the rest of the league shall need it.

The Sliderz Armz are ALSO a problem for opposing teams, I mean obviously. They only lost one game last season they were a problem for everybody. Not sure why that isn’t clear. But YEA Walker Buehler is forreal good which is unfortunate, and Jacob DeGrom and Justin Verlander and Zack Greinke are here, and Aaron Nola is no slouch (this is another one of mine tee hee). At least the rest of the staff (Ray, Folty, Lucchesi) have the potential to not be aces, and I for one hope none of them are. Fuck em. And also LETS TALK BULLPEN. Like to keep everyone on their toes so I’m going to acknowledge the Lacey bullpen. Liam Hendriks and Roberto Osuna are good the rest are meh. BULLPEN COVERED

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  3B Justin Turner –  Justin Turner is a great fucking hitter and a great man but he is no spring chicken, so it seems like every season inevitably his knee starts barking or something and he’s sidelined. so BEHOLD Mr. Turner, you only need to hold up for 60 games this season. Should be a piece of cake, and should he stay healthy he should be a real stabilizing OBP presence on a roster that doesn’t need any stabilizing per se. But they’re gonna get it anyway.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B Keston Hiura – It was tempting to jam Soto in here just to celebrate that news a bit more but I FOR ONE shall not be celebrating any covid IL stints this year cuz it’s too apocalyptic as it is. Lets just hope Soto misses most of the year and then is all out of sorts when he returns. But that him and his family are eventually happy and healthy. ANYWAYS Keston Hiura is likely a pretty good hitter but he is not a .400 BABIP hitter, cuz nobody is, but he was in 2019 (should also note fucking Tatis racked up a .410, just a real BLESSED season for the ButtSliderz amirite) so expect that number to come down this season (or who knows it’s 60 games, maybe it’s .500 this year) and with that comes the sweet sweet regression this squad deserves.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Vince Velasquez – This sickens me a bit because the last thing I need to do is root for this team to have a surprise stud pitcher BUT I still have love in my heart for VV and I believe he might yet be able to get his shit together under the Girardi regime. He’s had some problems with the long ball but there’s been talk of previous pitching coaches trying to work up in the zone in a way he was just plain uhhh BAD at, so I dunno. ERA could be 3.30 or it could be 5.30 and I wouldn’t bat an eye either way. I guess I have to root for the 5.30 though 😦

Wesley Snipes on Potential 'New Jack City' Sequel: "I Don't...Like ...

 

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Mike Foltynewicz  –  The beauty of this blurb is that it’s the last little fucking blurb I have to write for this stupid thing and it basically writes himself because Folty already WAS shit for half a season just last season. And it wasn’t really beinc “unlucky” or something, Folty’s FIP in the first half was 6.15 (to match up to his 6.37 ERA. Of course he righted the ship and pitched to a 2.65 ERA in the second half (3.77 FIP) but I mean, he’s sucked once he can suck again. Try that line on your WIVES you dumb married idiots. I’m running outta gas here clearly.

 

 

AND SO MERCIFULLY IT IS OVER. THERE WE HAVE IT FOLKS. BASEBALL IS BACK, BLOG IS BACK (maybe, in a sense), WEEKLY REVIEWS WILL MAYBE BE BACK (as in like every 4 matchups), TRADE REVIEWS WILL…….eh I dunno. Commitment isn’t really my thing so lets stop this now. No need to get carried away. Best of luck to all of you in this cursed season, as the planet actively tries to exterminate our species (sort of rooting for it).

 

now look at this:

 

 

Feeding Habits - Brown Bear

2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: Numba 1 and Numba 2

2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: 3 & 4

 Alright my beautiful babies, FINAL FOUR here. I am sure this is where the win loss records fall apart but I don’t care, if baseball can’t be bothered to have the Toronto Blue Jays play in Toronto (or seemingly ANYWHERE) I can’t be bothered to line that shit up. Onward….

 

 

 

IBBears

We have many logos okay…

#4 Island Beach Bears

2019 RECORD:  8-9-1

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  6-4-1, 4th place (1-1 Playoffs). I mean not to toot my own horn here but I think I deserve some credit for all the GREAT PLAYERS that I have briefly owned, but no longer own. Alotta greats have passed through these doors. And what we are left with now is a team that I think is just top to bottom real solid. Solid but unspectacular, but steady enough to slot right in the middle of the ole playoff pack if we were still having playoffs with some level of dignity. Alas we are not having those. And alas I can’t be steered to victory by my co-owner but I’m sure he can advise me on enough moves to maybe win a playoff matchup for a fucking change? That’d be nice. I’m a simple man of simple pleasures.

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  So now the FEELING I get when I glance at this roster is just…WOW. Such potential. Such potential that will be fully actualized. Ketel Marte and Austin Meadows are two young studs that were added last season and they’ll be real good OBVIOUSLY (the latter will need to return from this FUCKING virus first), Max Muncy is forreal and that dastardly Dave Roberts will have to really work overtime to keep benching him against lefties for no reason whatsoever, Marcus Semien was excellent last season and shall obviously be excellent again in his contract year, and BEST OF ALL Cavan Biggio is about to become a bonafide star. Ya got all that and ya got some other stuff and maybe Gary Sanchez will stay healthy and maybe Edwin<3 has one more great year in him. And by “one” I mean three. So that’s the bats.

The pitching I’m even PROUDER of, because Blake Snell is definitely healthy and definitely not bouncing balls in the dirt in his final “spring” tuneup. He pairs nicely with Mike Clevinger as two aces on the staff, which is a personal best for my pitching staffs. Behind them we feel like we’ve got a buncha guys that are top 50 arms or so, like maybe seven guys in the top 60 or something. The whole staff, just good solid arms (and Dinelson Lamet and Joe Musgrove can both make a leap and so obviously they both will). So Michael Kopech can take his ball and go home and see if I fucking care. Also I know I haven’t really talked about the bullpen for anyone else but I will for my team and my team only:  We are happy to have Kenley Jansen back as our longest tenured arm and we also feel like Nick Anderson is really good and has only the “Rays Ways” standing in his…..way. Please note I probably felt the same way about Jose Alvarado last season…..turned out to be a misfire. HEY IN THIS SPORT YOU FAIL 7 OUTTA 10 TIMES AND YOU ARE A HALL OF FAMER AMIRITE?!

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  SS Cavan Biggio  –  I had to ship Jose Altuve outta town just to CLEAR ROOM for this guy, that’s how much we believe in Cavan. Helluva walk percentage last year, made verrrry little “soft contact,” 14 for 14 in SBs. LOOK AROUND and there’s a buncha 20/20 talk surrounding this guy, with a few concerns about his “swings less than Votto” approach but there’s a deep dive on this very website that shows he picked up the ole swinging pace towards the end last year. Just read that or something IDFK:  https://www.fantraxhq.com/breaking-down-biggio-a-deep-dive-into-cavan-biggio/ 

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  SS Carter Kieboom  –  The dud part is a bit hard to pull off when discussing one’s own team CUZ I MEAN if I think a guy is gonna be a true “dud” I should just not be rostering that guy, but in Carter’s case there’s a few caveats. Firstly he’s a prospect I’ve had like twice now, and he still has a whole buncha minors eligible ABs to try and figure this thing out. So we need to ride out that eligibility OBVIOUSLY (even with the tweaks to that system, always tweakin ya tweakers). Secondly team ownership thinks he’s eventually gonna be a real solid bat, team ownership just isn’t sure if that’s going to come to full fruition in a shortened season where he will be most focused on not booting grounders over at third. Lest he lose time to fucking Asdrubal Cabrera. So Carter may have some growing pains in the year twenty twenty Anno Domini.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Dinelson Lamet  –  UNFORTUNATELY (using another chunk from a previous preview, this is just efficient writing) Dinelson has been a sleeper darling all offseason so that’s a curse in and of itself BUT…..we think they get it right on this one, for a change. Lamet was being treated with kid gloves last season as he returned from TJ but this year he’s supposedly in line to be allowed to throw “without restrictions.” He also supposedly throws two sliders (both nasty) and had about 13 Ks per 9 last year across 70ish innings. If we decided he qualified he would have had a top 20ish for starters swinging strike percentage (14%). PS Blake Snell was tops amongst starters at 17.7, Gerrit Cole was the next closest at 16.8 JUSSAYIN.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Jake Odorizzi  –  As stated above we really find our collection of starters to be just CONSISTENTLY ABOVE AVERAGE but if I had to pick one guy I expect to let me down, without the influence of Dave Roberts (seriously I fucking hate that guy), it would be Jake Odorizzi. Because it certainly SEEMS like the Twins may have come to the decision he is best when pulled after the 5th no questions asked. He was very good last year, he was also only allowed to go 6 or more 10 times in 30 starts. PERHAPS QS is a dying stat anyhow and he just blends into the pack but also PERHAPS, that gets so annoying we have to tell him to hit the bricks. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 

Bert Lahr (1895–1967) The Cowardly Lion in "The Wizard Of Oz" 1939 ...

#3 East Coast WhateverTheFuck (Lions?? Are they gonna be lion-themed?)

2019 RECORD:  10-8

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  7-4, 3rd place (3-0 Playoffs, BCS CHAMP).  That’s right that crown is NO ACCIDENT, friends. I believe, cuz I have to believe, that 3 titles in a row is just far too statistically unlikely to happen twice in this league. I also believe, as I have for several years now, that the core of this team is good enough to win a championship SHOULD THEIR OWNER PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION. Shorter season plays to the shorter attention span, ergo I predict they finally live up to the potential in the year TWENTY TWENTY. The asterisk title may be more curse than gift but all of the titles are pretty much meaningless, as is life, so don’t worry about it my brother. 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: I feel like I’m always gassin this roster up in these things and I don’t feel like it’s a fraternal thing but I would understand if someone made that accusation but let’s do it againnnn I guess. I mean thank god we took Ketel from this roster or else LOOK OUT AMIRITE?! Nah but their bats are okay, and they got Rhys Hoskins as a return in that deal anyhow and he’s pretty damn solid in this league. Other bats that are solid to above solid include yanno pretty much the ENTIRE lineup. You could make an argument there’s some work to be done with a last OF spot or last two OF spots or something but everywhere else is pretty damn good to great, particularly that Christian Yelich guy and that Gleyber Torres guy  and that great for a long time now Anthony Rendon CHARACTER. The bats are really solid throughout folks. OH YEA also Francisco Lindor and Javy Baez. See what I’m saying here?

The INTRIGUE here may be that for years this team was pitching staff heavy and didn’t quite have the same firepower on the other side of the ball, and now the other side of the ball may be a smidge better. That doesn’t mean the pitching staff isn’t very good, though. Stephen Strasburg, Jose Berrios, James Paxton, Carlos Carrasco, Clayton Kershaw all potentially GREAT when right (which I acknowledge can be said about all sorts of injury prone pitchers out there). Now this staff probably has the most risk baked into it in alllll the Backyard but again, the thinking here is the short season might benefit them most of all for that reason. Perhaps there’s no TIME for these guys to get hurt. Also David Price probably did them a favor by opting out. Also I assume this team, like the rest of your teams, has some relievers and maybe those guys are good I dunno. Short synopsis has no time for (most) bullpens.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  SS Amed Rosario –  NOT that this team needs any help in the middle infield, in fact they probably need less, but I actually well and truly feel something might actually go the Mets way in the form of a real GROWTH SZN outta Amed Rosario. The kid already made for a sneaky Backyard asset even as he struggled to get his OBP up to snuff, chipping in 15 triples over the past two seasons (4th best in MLB). But what intriiiigues me is the tale of two halves for 2019. A not ideal .299 OBP in the first half was replaced by a .351 OBP in the second half, and the slugging percentage ticked up ’bout 40 percentage points. Not sure he’ll ever be confused for a power hitter but a sustained .350ish OBP would give him plenty of opportunities on the basepaths, perhaps plenty of opportunities to score runs should the rest of the Mets DO THEIR FUCKING JOBS. Amed could certainly stand to try and work a few more walks into his game but there’s folks that think he can get the average up over .300. I read it somewhere. On the world wide web. So HERE…..Ryan does not own David Dahl are you happy? Does not own David Dahl yet? 

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B/3B Ryan McMahon – Ryan McMahon hits the ball pretty damned hard and his name is similar to Ryan’s name and he popped 24 HRs last year so what is the problem here why isn’t he in the stud section amirite?! UAREWRONG, cuz he also hit the ball on the ground 50% of the time which means he needed a TWENTY SEVEN PERCENT HR/FB rate to get to those 24 Dongs. Sure there’s guys that had higher rates last year (that wacky fucking new baseball of theirs) but uhhh that’s pretty high man. Not too many true talent 27% hitters out there. He also struck out nearly 30% of the time which is pretty damn high itself. There’s a floor to be found here, Coors be damned . And also just like get the fuck out of Garrett Hampson‘s way mannnnn.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Jordan Montgomery – Perhaps this is Casual Yankees Fan Bias or Regional Bias but I’ve been far too in tune with Jordan Montgomery’s tuneups this year and the guy has looked GOOD. I watched the start on Sunday and he mowed those bitch-ass Mets down. Breaking balls looked filthy, he’s claimed it’s the best he has felt in “a while” and I just think he can be one of the two or three best pitchers in the Yankees rotation this season. PERHAPS meaning that James Paxton isn’t but that would be cuz of injury or something, I like the Big Maple no BM (hehe) slander here….

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Anthony Desclafani  –  They have a really good pitching staff so Desclafani is obviously their worst starter. Can’t I just stop here? I mean I probably could but I’ll go on. Sureeee he’s got pretty solid strikeout numbers but I just feel like this guy feels like he’s perpetually 25 and NO…..he’s 30. And he gives up a lot o Dongs and probably got lucky on both the BABIP and the strand rate last year. I just don’t think he’s particularly good, Sonny Gray made it work in the GAB but many other pitchers do not make it work there, more streamer than rostered fella IMHO. I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I SAID MORE THAN I NEEDED TO. 

 

 

 

I think this one may have had my most caps lock and we allllll know what that means. It means I’m getting bored of this shit already. THANKFULLY we have the final two tomorrow, which you can obviously guess (BUT NOT THE PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS MAYBE), so I’ll try and spice it up by including multiple personal attacks on both owners. I’ll also perhaps commit to some level of weekly reviews IN WRITING there to keep me honest, but when I say weekly I mean it will be like every 3 or 4 weeks or something boo hoo deal with it or write em yourself. I will see all of you, my many readers (Brian), tomorrow for the BIG FINALE and MULTIPLE REAL GAMES and POSSIBLY MIKE AND I EACH HAVING TO TAKE A BUNCHA AQUAVIT SHOTS.

 

now look at this:

 

 

jk nothing to look at eat a dick.

 

2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: 3 & 4

2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: 5 & 6

I really pondered why I write these before I wrote this, like I don’t give a shit about your teams I barely give a shit about my own. Same goes for fantasy sports as a whole. And the thing I care for LEAST really is this god forsaken blog. And yet I write, even though I don’t care about my readers. This may be why David Foster Wallace killed himself.

ANYWHO this one is gonna be my favorite, I think, so perhaps that propels me through. Might even get a bit verbose on this bad boy (which means lots of parenthetical asides such as so). These two were always meant to be together, we all know em and love em, they probably will be most offended by whomever I declare a “dud,” let’s not waste any more time and let’s bring em out here…….

First though CHECK THIS SHIT OUT….I should probably make this my logo, once I get tired of Brian’s tasteful interpretation.

Bear Surfing On Shark" Art Board Print by NoWukkasMate | Redbubble

SPEAKING OF…

#6 Barnegat Banana Slugs

2019 RECORD:  7-10-1

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  6-5, 6th place (0-1 Playoffs). I’m not going to sit here and imply that the BBS are going to be distracted by their League Office role (whatever those roles may be) in this topsy turvy 2020 season, I’m going to just say that the 6th seed is their true talent level. Regardless of the league office shit. WHICH, for my tastes, is off to an auspicious start 😉 😉 😉 (I’ve seen more leadership outta Biden and they’ve all but locked him in a basement until September, is what I’m sitting here implying).

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  The FEELING I get when I glance at that roster is that of a team that oozes potential but needs about 75 things to go right all at once, in a year when NOTHING HAS GONE RIGHT. Which maybe presents a situation where things go right for the Banana Slugs because that’s the sort of thing that would go right in this sort of year so maybe that’s a “sane man in an insane world” sort of thing. Which is no doubt what Slugs ownership thinks of themselves. BUT YEA Vlad Jr. and Bo Bichette can certainly be something at SOME point but why would that happen in a 60 game sophomore season….is what I’m saying. They’ll also need these buncha guys (Rosario, Gurriel, Suarez, Soler, Voit) to keep all the GAINZ from their career years and maybe some of them do but surely not all of them. Because life needs to make SENSE. I do think the other two Royals make for nice assets in this here league and I do admit Trevor Story is a real fantasy monster these days. That is a truth I hold to be self-evident. BUT I accurately predicted a sophomore slump for him once upon a time and that’s sort of the theme here now isn’t it. Blue Jays. sophomore. slumps.

The pitching feels like it has less of a floor but there’s still some pitfalls:  Jon Gray pretty consistently pitches better at home than on the road and THAT has to piss Coors off, Trevor Bauer had some correct points about the labor negotiations but REMAINS a tool that picks fights on Twitter and dates his “agent”….decide amongst yourselves which of those things is more pathetic. And BASEBALL WISE GAB is a hitters park and Trevor has one lone and truly ~good~ season to his credit. Alright enough on that schmuck. Max Scherzer is, obviously, one of an ever-dwindling number of starters that can can and will carry a fantasy rotation in a week (which I guess would be TWO weeks in this son of a whore of a season)(Hamilton reference for Bri there). Chris Paddack & Kirby Yates I’m a fan of both of these Friars, they’ll be an asset for the Slugs surely. Anddd if post-PEDs Frankie Montas is still nasty this overall band of arms is probably in pretty good shape all things considered. I trust this ownership group to tinker as needed and I root for Bauer implosions that might test that tinkering. He’ll never quit him though.

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  SS Adalberto Mondesi  –  Lord knows I’ve shit on this man’s batting profile in the past and LORD KNOWS there’s a real floor here but LORD ALSO KNOWS there’s really not a more dynamic player in this league when he’s on. In theory. I can argue. Particularly since there is no lord. But yeah I know I’ve been skewing speed on these stud bats, I think sometimes, but Adalberto is in a class of his own (mostly) in terms of his ability to have a hot week and rack up 3 triples 6 steals that sorta shit. It appears trading Carlos Martinez for him was wise. Is what last year told me.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  1B Yuli Gurriel  –  Yuli is ALLEGEDLY 36 now, and not to take this to a racial place, but let’s be honest that could mean 40. And he just used a juiced ball and a few trashcan bangs to bang his way to 35 Dongs (I saw a very compelling video of him seeing a Jonathan Loasiga changeup was coming last year via BANG BANG BANG. Anywho I’m not sure what the status is on the ball, I’m pretty sure they won’t use trash cans anymore, I’m also pretty sure it won’t matter either way. Yuli ain’t no slugging first basemen in my book and I won’t adjust that book for anybody.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Frankie Montas  –  UNFORTUNATELY for those league owners out there that enjoy seeing bad things happen to the Slugs, if there could possibly be such a thing (and honestly if that’s you what you need to do is look long and hard in the mirror and ask yourself what that’s about, and maybe cut your hair it’s getting really long. Brian is a decent man! You unknown scoundrels), it appears Frankie may be forreal. He’s looked great in whatever this spring training type thing should be termed and the velocity is there and he was named the Opening Day starter and the whole nine. Whole fuckin’ shebang. So that’s a shame. I think the Slugs got to just up and grab him at that point last year where everyone was waiting to grab him due to superior waiver order (something I don’t believe in) and now here we are, and we are just going to have to learn to live with it. At least Lance Lynn probably isn’t this good.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP JA Happ  –  JA, bless his heart, squeaked out a few extra years with some sorta elevating the fastball thing across a few seasons but he’s officially run outta fastball elevation. Guy can’t keep the ball in the park, Yankee Stadium certainly doesn’t help here, but I think he’s gonna suck hard and quickly lose his gig on both the Pinstripes and the Nanslugs. Banslugs? Nanslugs. MAYBE Nannerslugs.

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#5 River City Fightin’ Margs

2019 RECORD:  6-9-3

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  6-4-1, 7th place (1-1 Playoffs).  Pretty much the same synopsis above implies, because everyone knows this guy is trying to play PUPPETEER behind the scenes. Shadow government. Buy Shane dinner first before you jam your hand up there WOULDYA. But yea the Margs are what they are. 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: I’m not entirely sure what happened to the Margs last year but I think it’s somehow connected to the same forces that made nobody wanna sign Manny Machado or Bryce Harper…. and then when they DID sign they were sorta meh the whole year (poor Bryce was fine he’s just cursed by the 197 wRC+ season he shall never repeat, which just isn’t his fault). But anyway I’m not here to defend Bryce Harper via parenthetical I’m here to badmouth Mike’s team so let’s get on with it. The bats here have a pretty wideeee range of outcomes when you look at them:  Giancarlo Stanton, Nomar Mazara, Eric Thames, Byron Buxton, Yoenis Cespedes, ALL OF THOSE GUYS could put up great seasons or terrible seasons and it wouldn’t really surprise me either way (Giancarlo really only stumbles if he misses time, the rest of them can probably be in the lineup and range from “meh” to trash). The more reliable names are probably that dickhead on the Red Sawks (Xander), Pete Alonso, Wilson Contreras, Matt Chapman, etc. etc. These guys I mostly expect to do what they are expected to do, though a sophomore slump from the Polar Bear would be fun. By and large the bats here will live and die with the wide range of outcomes on a whole buncha guys and then how much of  rebound you see out of Machado. I really don’t know what more people expect out of Bryce but it FEELS LIKE Philly is probably mad at him. Love that place. Oh yea and Rougned Odor sucks and offends me as a hitter.

The arms here are the REAL MYSTERY, because I could swear I recall Mike saying to me beside his pool that his pitching staff was “great” or something and then I log on to fantrax dot com and this is what I am greeted with:

Question marks | Diocese of London

A BUNCHA GIANT FUCKING QUESTION MARKS. Sure everybody loves them some Brandon Woodruff and he’s probably really good but the rest of these guys? Questions abound. I’ve never been a fan of Stroman (maybe he’s ~okay~ I dunno), McCullers & Rodon who knows what you’re gonna get, ditto for the returning to the rotation C-Mart, Corbin Burnes trash Freddy Peralta who knows what he is or what his role is (also why so many fucking Brewers pitchers, is everything okay Mike?), Sean Manaea is usually ~okay~ (he’s been getting rocked all “spring” whilst working on his Randy Johnson-aided slider or whatfuckingever), I’m just very perplexed is what I’m saying. I could SWEAR Mike spoke highly of this group of arms and now I’m staring it dead in the face and I’m wondering if it’s inside the league’s top 5. And now I’m also going over everything he’s ever said to me. And I encourage you all to do the same. #DefundLobman

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  LF/CF/RF/OF David Dahl –  This feels like the perfect storm of a season for Dahl to actually remain moderately healthy and put up large numbers, leading to BIG DREAMZ for his fantasy owners for 2021. Which will then be derailed when he shits out his gall bladder or something. Dahl was pretty damned solid last year in his own way (sky high BABIP aside) to the point where I’m sort of surprised the Margs didn’t parlay it into a trade of some sort, but I’ll blame THIS DAMNED VIRUS for really tamping down the league’s trade winds. Which is a shame. Your family’s will all die eventually anyway so that should in no way interfere with you shopping your top 50 OFs. I MISS ROSTER CHURN.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B Rougned OdorThis……this was inevitable. Similarly inevitable are the 3 or 4 weeks where “Rougie” puts up league-leading LVP numbers and BOOM that’s half the season. This guy sucks. I’m surprised Lobman hasn’t dug up some tweet about him being “6-12” in simulated games and vomited that thing into the chat but I’m also not paying great attention to the chat so maybe he has.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Lance McCullers – Take what I just said about Dahl  up there and apply it to Lance down here. Whom I LOVE. But yea 60 game season means McCullers largely without restrictions, I expect him to shine (with occasional bouts of walking like 7 in 3 IP) and then I expect him to come back last year and rip his arm from its socket on a beautiful 12-6 curve to even the count at 1-1. Honorable mention same exact scenario except make it a slider:  Carlos Rodon

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Carlos Martinez  –  Maybe this is just to draw scrutiny to the Mondesi deal again (I mean it’s all laid out here STUD vs. DUD) but also maybe I really do think he’s gonna be a bit of a Dud. And I KINDA DO. For starters you need to pitch him out of a P or RP slot for his first five go-rounds, for seconders his shoulder’s been known to give way with a starter’s workload, for thirdlys I’ve heard his commitment to conditioning and whatnot in between starts has been called into question a few times. There’s an article about it! That article seemed to mention Adam Wainwright and his work ethic a lot so it may be a racist St. Louis beat writer sorta issue (Cano vs. Pedroia all over again) but it may also be true. The fact that a guy as good as Carlos Martinez once was had to compete to win the “5th starter” role gives me pause. And he’s on Mike’s team so fuck ’em I hope he’s terrible.

FINAL FOUR COMING UP IN THE FINAL TWO DAYS, each of which will feature actual baseball. Whatta majestic country.

now look at this:

Amazon.com : Home Originality Set of 4 Bears of Grace Figurines ...

2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: 5 & 6

2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: 7 & 8

I HAVE NO INTRO, so here look at this…….

 

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#8 Rojo’s Renegade Force

2019 RECORD:  7-10-1

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  5-6, 8th place (0-1 Playoffs). If there’s anyone that’s susceptible to just sort of forgetting that we are actually attempting a season in this THICK SOUP OF A VIVID NIGHTMARE OF A YEAR, it is Rojo. I’m not even entirely sure whom is on his team so this is mostly based on my wariness about the man himself.

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  You know what the cupboard isn’t bare, but there’s also no way for me to make an “Indian in the Cupboard” reference here because there’s no Cleveland representation. But if I could have done that I would have been like “MAN am I fucking good at this or what?!” But I couldn’t so I’m not. N E wayz there’s some decent bats here, which makes sense as I seem to remember this team near the Backyard Hitting Leaderboards at the end of last year (which will burn to the ground if we don’t remove the extra bat before OD….ahem). Rojo is the sort of Yankee fan that can make peace with rostering Rafael Devers so that’s fucking disgusting. Definitely the most heinous roster issue that’s ever sprung up from this team and its ownership. Uhhh some other guys that are less heinous for him to roster include George Springer (except cheater TELL ‘EM T) and Joey Gallo and MITCH GARVER seems like a fine hitter out of the all-annoying catcher spot. Baseball should replace both catchers and umpires with robots.

So yea there’s good bats and there’s Charlie Morton and maybe Yu Darvish and maybe whatever’s left of Corey Kluber (and of Paul Goldschmidt for that matter, he of his 34 HR down years, but we are done covering hitters). THERE’S GOOD PLAYERS OKAY. I just don’t trust the ship to have rudders at all of the times it needs to have those things. I’m no sailor but have you SEEN the way Rojo has been letting his hair and beard go? Doesn’t inspire confidence from shareholders.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  CF/OF Victor Robles – This feels a lot like the Luis Robert pick from yesterday but I swear I’m not going to just keep going with young speedsters (at least I don’t think so) but also I’m not just gonna fucking be like “GOLDSCHMIDT WILL PROBABLY BE GOOD.” Where’s the joy in that, I ask you. So yea Robles. This cat actually amassed solid stats last season, and it feels like Rojo has owned him forever, and yes AGAIN I think this might be another one of those guys that really shines in the short stint. “Fantasy analysts” shall spend all of next February trying to decide how high he should be drafted, and wherever they decide will probably be too high. But we are off topic, HE IS GONNA STEAL BASES AND THAT’S ALL I AM LOOKING AT THIS YEAR.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B Jason Kipnis – No WAY this guy ain’t cooked, right? He’s gotta be fucking cooked. You’re telling me Brian Dozier the Bulldog Gawd can’t find a job in baseball but this dipshit is going to get some NL DH ABs for the Cubbies? Fuck that. Find a better fucking second basemen, ‘Gades. Putting him in the actual 2B slot should feel embarrassing.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Kenta Maeda – The thing about dancing with mid-rotation Dodgers arms is they just loveeeee pulling some of those arms out of the fucking game they’re cruising through at like 60 & 70 & 80 pitches, with no regard for strikeouts or nastiness or cruising. I have watched Maeda cruise on my behalf, SEVERAL TIMES,only to be pulled by Dave Roberts shy of the 6th, shy of the 5th, often shy of 90 pitches. So fuck Dave Roberts with a spiky one. Rocco Baldelli, however, great man. SO what’s important here is I don’t think it’s crazy to think Rocco might not have the samequick hook for Kenta (unless he does….. see Jake Odorizzi). But I meannnn it’s a short season, Maeda isn’t some young arm they’re protecting, Minnesota is very clearly a very racist state. Let the chink throw I say.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Madison Bumgarner – I just do nawtttttt see Arizona going particularly well for Mr. MadBum. That park plays up for Dongs and MadBum’s dong rate was up last year, San Fran was obviously a pitcher’s park but his road ERA last year you ask?  5.29. So when I say “nawt particularly well” I mean ERA over 4.5 nawt particularly well. And he’ll be all salty about some hitter watching a Dong for too long and it’s what he deserves, truly. I’m far more interested in what that nervous Ford salesman fellow is up to these days to be honest. REMEMBER THAT GUY?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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#9 Astoria Isotopes

2019 RECORD:  8-10

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  5-5-1, 7th place (1-1 Playoffs).  The ‘Topes feel like the team poised to get most battered by VIRUS this season cuz why not. If we all were to contract coronavirus and I had to place bets on who survives it Mikey T’s slender frame would have him somewhere near the top of list. After Rojo of course. And Brian. And maybe Shane. YOU’VE GIVEN UP TOO MUCH OF YOUR LIFE FORCE SHANE (sperm). 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: Only two years removed from NOT SHOWING UP in the BCS, this team is yanno….still here. Still relying on power, at least PROJECTED power, with 11 guys projected for DoubDigDongs© and I dunno that’s maybe the most in the league? Maybe tied for the most in the league? I’m not gonna mail this shit in and then go and check that. They also have Sam Hilliard, whom I LOVE, hanging in there in the minors projected for 9 Dongs. Which sounds doable. Other doable Fantrax HR projections:  Moustakas, ‘Nado, Judge if he stays healthy (big if), Khris Davis if he stays healthy. Non-doable Fantrax HR projections:  Matt Olson (meh), Joc (see below), Judge (won’t stay healthy), Eduardo Escobar (NOT BUYIN IT EDDIE). So there you have it there’s the bats.

Starting to wish I spent more time expounding upon the bats cuz these arms GAH. Let’s just do some Nahs (shoutout to Nas) and then maybe some Yeahs. NAH:  Minor, Marquez, Hamels, Hudson, these men ALL suck. Sadly even Dellin Betances sucks now (ve-lo is gone-o). So really this ENTIRE pitching staff makes me sad, what the fuck happened here (aside from the Sale tragedy 🙂 )? I don’t even have any Yeahs. I kinda like Randy Dobnak a little, I guess. JUST A SMIDGE though nothing crazy. Wouldn’t date em.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  RF/OF Franmil ReyesFranmil is a large man and he hits the ball VERY hard and back in March he was like 12-27 with 5 Dongs. Now does that matter now, no. But does the fact that he dropped 18 pounds in the offseason and still kept mashing those Dongs and doesn’t have to play the field ever again if the Indians so choose matter? YES. Yes it matters. This is precisely the sorta fella that could start this abbreviated season hot and end up the MLB leader in HRs. In fact maybe I’m even predicting that (only will reference this if it actually happens, obviously).

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  1B/LF/RF/OF Joc PedersonNot that I think they’re relying on Joc per se but a platoon bat in a shortened season PITUH…PITUH *spitting on the floor*…. pituh. Joc is also the sorta guy that might bat .100 for a few weeks even against righties and then uhhh he’s out of a job. He just has such a dumb face that I feel like he’s too aloof to get motivated by the fact that the Dodgers basically traded him already.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  German Marquez – SIMILAR THEME here which I love but PLATOON ARM IN A SHORTENED SEAON PUHH PITUH PUHHH. Coors Field is undefeated and Marquez had a 6.26 ERA there last year so uhhh….I mean he’s getting that OD start on the road. Got that going for him. But yea rostering zee German this year is rough. T’s gonna stand by his man though, I AM SURE.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM: German Marquez – SIMILAR THEME here to the dud bat which I love, PLATOON ARM IN A SHORTENED SEAON PUHH PITUH PUHHH. Coors Field is undefeated and Marquez had a 6.26 ERA there last year so uhhh….I mean he’s getting that OD start on the road. Got that going for him. But yea rostering zee German this year is rough. T’s gonna stand by his man though, I AM SURE.

 

 

 

TWO DOWWWNNNN. I’m really hitting my creative writing stride, go back up and look at the “Indian in the Cupboard” reference again. And I mean REALLY…..look at it.

 

now look at this:

 

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2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: 7 & 8

2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: 9 & 10

Foreword: A little background for the uninitiated. These lil team previews are my way of taking shots at your teams and poorly predicting end of season records. This has been made A BIT MORE DIFFICULT by this HELLSCAPE of a year but whatever, let’s do it again. 2020 should be saved on the blog for posterity’s sake. And yanno what let’s also consider these Preseason Power Rankings cuz why not. And since I decided to do this a tad late we are doubling up, 10 Teams in FIVE days leading up to the first full-ish schedule of games allegedly taking place on July 24th. In empty stadiums. So weird, so let’s get weird: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#10 Lakehurst Leviathans

2019 RECORD:  6-12

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  4-7, 10th place (0-1 Playoffs).  LOOK MAN, ya gotta not finish in last place before I project you to not finish in last place. Also your logo gives me “big into Asian schoolgirl hentai porn” vibez but that’s neither here nor there…

 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS, A LA THE SEASON:  Shane’s teams have always had a certain grace about them, in how they just sort of string together a bunch of un-sexy names around JD Martinez and then call it a day. I’ll get this caveat out of the way now and say that ANY PLAYER, and truly anyone you love, can be felled by this virus (or by car accidents, life is chaos get used to it)(RIP Jose Martinez 😦 ) so who knows how JD feels currently. And also who cares. But if he’s alive he’ll hit some Dongs®, Yasmani Grandal is sneaky good, Carlos Santana is a guy I’ve wanted to take off McCann’s hands for a while now, and they have a few bats coming off career years (Kepler, Polanco, a few people that aren’t on the Twins I’m sure) so if that continues WHO KNOWS GANG. Maybe not last place, for Shane.

If I had to stumble for other reasons to think maybe not last place, and really why would I because here I am projecting last place, but if I did: A few top 50-ish SPs in  Mike Soroka, Jack Flaherty, and Patrick Corbin. Counterpoint to suggest MAYBE LAST PLACE THOUGH:  The rest of their pitchers. Fuck ’em. I mean they have both a Zack  and a Zach that can’t bode well.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  CF/OF Luis Robert – Luis might very well hit the ground running and become a Guy™ in the Backyard. OBP might not be anything to write home about, but counting stats might be. Plus worrying about rate stats in a shortened season may be bad business. But what do I know, all I’ve ever done in fantasy baseball is tried to look pretty while Odom made all our dynasty’s roster decisions (getting the first one out of the way before, like, Heroy can).

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  SS Jorge Polanco – We here at Backyard Views dot com project Polanco to turn back into a pumpkin, now that all PEDs have been thoroughly flushed from his system.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Mitch Keller – Mitch had a downright UNSIGHTLY 7.13 ERA over 48 IP last season but SURPRISE I think he’s much better than that. He was striking out 12 per 9 but running a ridiculous a .475 BABIP; FIP was actually a rather delightful 3.19. Ideally Shane is reading all of these acronyms as nerdy gobbledygook and I can have him as a TOSS-IN to that aforementioned Carlos Santana trade. Toss him in the way one might toss in a Vlad Guerrero Jr. for example.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Mike Soroka – Do I think Soroka is going to be a completely useless piece of shit dud? No I do not. But to continue asking questions I will then answer myself, do I think he will keep an ERA under 3 again? Again I do not. Perhaps Soroka is really THAT good at limiting Dongs® but, dear reader, WHAT IF HE ISN’T? I mean he has been his whole minor league career but still, I expect SSS (small sample size duh) to wreak havoc this year. Throw in the NL DH now and that ERA may very well end up over 4….point….two. No more freebies for these pansy NL pitcher fucks.

 

Could I write more about Shane’s team? I don’t know MAYBE, maybe I fucking could. Could I have used less questions to myself in the writing of this? Absolutely. But the season is shortened and sort of ridiculous so these things are going to be the same. For example, last year I made sure all of the records were theoretically possible in the league with my math and this year I likely do NOT. Do that. CHAOS BAYBAY. Let’s get to #9….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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#9 #Iwenttothegamean dallIgotwascovid19

2019 RECORD:  7-8-3 (X-Rayz)

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  4-6-1, 9th place (0-1 Playoffs).  This is partly cuz Odom GUTTED this roster last year and partly because you made me type out that fucking name. The pic is a favorite of mine but I also refuse to have that man’s face on here. DO BETTER ALL AROUND.

 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS, A LA THE SEASON ITSELF: This was going to open with some type of “Odom desecrated this man’s roster far worse than he ever desecrated this man’s sister” type joke but I love Annabel and wish her nothing but the best and I know Odom does as well and so we aren’t even going to go there. BUT FORREAL THOUGH, the reason why I half-used that opener is pretty apparent. This roster was managed a real zaaaaaney way and when the dust settled and previous ownership retired to a life of leisure it was left with like Jose Ramirez and…………………………Jeff McNeil?………………….for bats. I threw the new guy Jose Altuve because that’s what I DO, and everyone should be more like me and trading their best players all of the time (#DownWithDynasty). There’s also a buncha people left over from the speed heavy philosophy of olden days but I don’t want to talk about them, so we are done with the bats.

Unfortunately it would be far more difficult to find things to say about the arms. Let’s just say that Guy is very devoid of Guys™ so he’s got his work cut out for him, and I’m not sure if the shortened season will help or hurt in this regard. I do know that the previous regime would have made sure to have as many players as possible active for like the two games on 7/23 so maybe they can do that. I also know they have Aroldis Chapman at least, whom I’ll always love. He should trade him back to me.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  CF/RF/OF Mallex SmithA holdover from the Speed Killz days of yore, Mallex is the perfect time for me to dig into these FANTRAX PROJEXCTIONS for Mallex is projected to have the second most steals in alllll of baseball in this bullshit season. And dammit I think he might be able to do it. Which I don’t say about all projections, and I’m sure I’ll disagree with Fantrax far more than I agree, but here we are. Projections are just humans grasping at ways to pretend life isn’t chaos anyhow. ANYWHO Mallex Smith of the M’s is also projected to lead baseball with 4 triples, and if he can nab 4 that can potentially make alllll the difference this year. Like potentially the difference between sayyyy being the last place team and the 9th place team.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  3B/RF/OF Hunter DozierSticking with the Ftrax Trips Projections Theme, they’ve got Hunter here nabbing 3 and I knowww he nabbed 10 last year but Evan Gattis had 11 one year so….yea settle down. I don’t think Dozier is a triples savant and I also don’t think he’s a .500+ SLG guy. I think he’s more slug than slugger is what I’m saying here. Don’t know what else to say.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Ryan Yarbrough – Yarbrough, like many a player in the Rays org, got jerked all around last year due to the typical Rays fuckery. However, in between  “opening” and “bulking” and all of that bullshit, he was actually allowed to well and truly start a few games. Including 8.2 scoreless against the Mariners last August. Sounds like he’s in line to crack the “rotation” this year and perhaps even the Rays let him fly a bit and not pull him every 3 innings, and if they do so I think both they and THIS TEAM (I pray they settle in and change this fucking name because I don’t intend on typing it out twice…..the Redskins is now available I hear) won’t be disappointed in the results.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Mike Fiers – These were originally terms “surprise” studs/duds but that felt too restrictive, but even if that remained I’m not sure this should necessarily come as a SURPRISE. Just in case it might, just in case a few good months with the A’s may have people viewing Mike Fiers with rose-colored glasses, let me announce that Mike Fiers remains Mike Fiers. Not particularly good for quite some time now, and with Ks dipping to 6.14 per 9 last year I say the margin for error is slim. UNFORTUNATELY beggars can’t be choosers so I understand hoping for a sub-4 ERA here. FORTUNATELY there’s still time to trade him to Mikey T, as he would like to thank Mr. Fiers for his service as Astros Whistleblower. CHAPMAN STILL HUNG THAT SLIDER MIKEY. ANYWHO Fiers sucks.

 

 

ONE DOWN FOUR TO GO.

 

 

YOU UNGRATEFUL “let me spellcheck this immediately” FUCKS.

 

Also welcome to the league Guy 🙂

2020 is all fucked up so 10 Teams in FIVE Days: 9 & 10

2018 Week 18 Review: “Oh Shit We Got Somewhere” Edition

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AND THERE. IS YOUR REGULAR SEASON. Years from now we will be able to talk about the collapse of the Bears and LITTLE ELSE, so yanno. I take pride in that. What lined up as a potentially dramatic Week 18 kinda wasn’t with most matchups kinda deciding themselves quickly. In honor of that brevity I shall keep this brief……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Mission Valley X*Rayz Tie A Rojo’s Renegade Force Team That Should Not Be Allowed To Win Another Game In 2018  –  6-6-2

 

MVP:  Edwin Diaz  –  Edwin Diaz was the most impressive man in this matchup and I do not even care if 5 saves against RRF is entirely unnecessary.  5 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks, 5 Saves, 1.80 ERA     

LVP:  Evan Gattis    Rare is the week I see a guy fail to reach base even once in 15 ABs so I’m calling it out.  0/15, 1 RBI, .000 OBP                

 

RRF Hitter Of Note:  I almost forgot how Nick Markakis is having that career year for whatever fucking reason, and next season he will be unrosterable and lose his spot in the Braves OF and all that fun stuff (12/26, 6 Rs, 4 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 8 RBIs, .448 OBP).

RRF Pitcher Of Note:  Might as well shoutout CC Sabathia for still CHUGGIN ALONG in his 27th season, for he is now on the DL and may chug no longer for all we know (6 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

 

X*Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Billy Hamilton finally getting around to the whole stealing bases thing A LITTLE LATE, the rest of his production tends to be a bit unpalatable so you really want your B-Ham up around 40 SBs around this time (7/21, 2 Rs, 2 RBIs, 5 SBs, .333 OBP).

X*Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Just need to note that Blake Snell was pulled at FORTY SEVEN pitches in this game cuz Rays, really not what one wants in a must-win Week 18 sitch (5 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

 

BBR1:  RRF v. Sliderz (#4 v. #5)

              X*Rayz @ HOME

 

 

 

 

 

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OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Deny The Q-Tip City Morning Wood A Franchise Record Tying Win Total  –  8-4-2

 

MVP:  Mookie Betts  –  FAREWELL Mookie Betts, for this is yet another season where the OGTFC will not be taking your talents to the Backyard Bracket. The OGTFC love missing the playoffs the way OGTFC ownership loves making 30 year old brides-to-be cry about their age. And strippers. And inappropriate comments in public settings. Also JROLLmaybe I’ll tally these up again who knows  13/29, 10 Rs, 5 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, 2 SBs, .556 OBP     ***MVP OF THE WEEK*** 

LVP:  Evan Longoria    Evan Longoria has pretty much looked old and borderline unrosterable just about every week except Week 17 against the beloved Bears, which, rude.  4/23, 2 Rs, 1 RBI, .240 OBP     

 

OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Lets also wave goodbye to Trea Turner because he is another very talented OGTFC player and he deserves better, BLOW IT ALL UP (10/29, 5 Rs, 1 2Bs 1 3B, 2 RBIs, 2 SBs, .406 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  They can keep Zack Godley if they want I guess, Zack had a good week but sometimes has bad weeks (14 IP, 3 ER, 13 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.93 ERA).

 

Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  Almost wanted to point out Mitch Haniger because I point out JD Martinez every GOTDAMNED week but yea here’s JD’s line once again, those two are the bright spots on a dark-ish season in Q-Tip City (13/28, 7 Rs, 5 2Bs, 4 HRs, 11 RBIs, .531 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  And imho they might as well hold onto Dereck Rodriguez cuz I think he looks KINDA GOOD and they’re pitching was KINDA BAD in 2018 (14 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.64 ERA).

 

BBR1:  OGTFC @ GONE FISHIN’

              MW @ HOME THIS HAS BEEN KNOWN SINCE LIKE MAY

 

 

 

 

 

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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Punch Their Ticket To The Dance With Impressive Victory Over Garden State Warriors  –  9-4-1

 

MVP:  Ronald Acuna Jr.  –  Welllll well well if it isn’t wunderkind Ronald Acuna Jr. waiting til precisely the right point in the season to start mashing dongs. This kid may end up being pretty good, along with all the other BackdoorSliderz kids, and now I am worried I might have helped create a monster going forward. MAGA TRAIN MOTHERFUCKERS.  8/27, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, 1 SB, .321 OBP     

LVP:  JT Realmuto    The Warriors sorta lazily made their way into the playoffs, bye already in hand, and even TOP-RANKED FANTASY CATCHER ACCORDING TO ESPN PLAYER RATER JT Realmuto sorta took the week off.  3/21, 1 2B, 1 RBI, .182 OBP

 

BackdoorSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Matt Carpenter also still hitting dongs in case anyone was wondering, and MAN was this the wrong year to part with Matt Carpenter they even played him at 3B a bunch when they said they wouldn’t I HATE YOU MIKE MATHENY (5/25, 5 Rs, 3 HRs, 5 RBIs, .310 OBP).

BackdoorSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  When the Mets actually win for Jacob deGrom you just know everything is coming up ButtSliderz (6 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

 

Warriors Hitter Of Note:  I for one think the Warriors will be just fine when they come out of the bye week and one reason for that is  Francisco Lindor (9/32, 4 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, 3 SBs .343 OBP).

Warriors Pitcher Of Note:  And another reason is a shrewd acquisition of a one Carlos Carrasco (13.1 IP, 3 ER, 17 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.03 ERA).

 

BBR1:  Sliderz @ RRF (#5 @ #4)

              Warriors v. BYE (#2 seed)

                 

 

 

 

 

2018 WEEK 18 BACKYARD CO-BATTLES OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY A BEAR PAIR

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Astoria Isotopes Vulture #1 Seed In All The Backyard Land With Victory Over The Barnegat Banana Slugs, All That Chit Chat In Week 17 Still Looks Annoying  –  8-4-2

 

MVP:  Miguel Andujar  –  AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM. Really annoying that the ‘Topes straight up DROPPED Andujar at one point but then realized the gravity of their error and picked him back up on waivers. That made me sad.  9/28, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, 1 SB, .387 OBP

LVP:  Whit Merrifield    The Slugs blew their chance at the bye and they should very much blame Whit Merrifield, ironically.  ONE ASSUMES Vlad Jr. will eventually heal this wound FUCK YOU SHANE.  2/24, .154 OBP     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***          

 

Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Paul Dejong SIGHTING, apparently the Isotopes still have Paul DeJong (7/24, 5 Rs, 3 2Bs, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, .320 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  They also have a Cole Hamels that looks a wee bit REJUVENATED with the move back to the NL, so that could be helpful potentially (13 IP, 3 2 ER, 11 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.38 ERA).

 

Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  Well JESUS (not Aguilar, who had 3 dongs) David Peralta where did this power stroke come from, usually this guy hits an annoying amount of grounders but also a good amount of triples but this year he’s getting that bitch a bit higher in the air (12/27, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, .483 OBP).

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Trevor Bauer was goooood and then took a liner to the ankle so we shall see, he perhaps could have used a bye week to rest up 😉 (12.1 IP, 1 ER, 19 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 0.73 ERA).

 

CO-BBOTW BREAKDOWN

 

In a CARAAAYYYYYZAY “Winner Takes Top Seed Loser Doesn’t Even Get A Bye” matchup the drama just wasn’t….quite…..there, aside from the what’s at stake part. Credit where credit is due to both of these teams but particularly to the Isotopes of Astoria, whom outclassed the Banana Slugs in a few pitching cats that are the Slugs’ bread and butter (or whatever a slug equivalent to bread and butter would be, bananas and banana byproducts?). The Isotopes impressively grabbed both Ks and ERA en route to a 4-2-1 advantage on the pitching cats, and then they handled business on the hitting side as well to the tune of a 4-2-1 once again. Even with a sub-.300 OBP the ‘Topes stuck to their game of dongs and ribbies and the Slugs couldn’t quite keep pace, despite a solid offensive showing for a team that sometimes lacks on that side of the ball. Not sure this one had much drama despite stretching the possibilities into the Sunday night game, I don’t think ‘Topes ownership was livetweeting every second of that game so HOW AM I TO KNOW? How am I…..to know.

In the Backyard Bracket’s First Round the Astoria Isotopes will take a well-deserved break from action as the Backyard’s #1 seed overall. Meanwhile the Barnegat Banana Slugs (#3), for their troubles, have to take on a particularly dangerous #6 seed in the River City Bad Dudes. Yanno the team looking to make it to a fourth straight BCS, that one.

BBR1:  Isotopes v. BYE (#1)

              Slugs v. Bad Dudes (#3 v. #6)

 

 

 

 

 

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River City Bad Dudes Assist Bell Road Bears In TRULY EPIC Collapse, It Has Not Been The Best Of Summers What Can I Say  –  8-5-1

 

MVP:  Giancarlo Stanton  –  Giancarlo Stanton has stayed healthy for the Bad Dudes and ONE CAN CRAFT AN ARGUMENT had he not they’d miss the playoffs. Because like four teams were within a hair of the last playoff spot so one can craft an argument about just about anything. Is muh point.  8/27, 8 Rs, 5 HRs, 9 RBIs, .424 OBP      

LVP:  Rhys Hoskins    FAR DIFFERENT from his performance ’round this time last year, Rhys let us down in Week 18 and has Sophmore Meh’d. We still very much believe in the skill set.  1/21, 3 Rs, .200 OBP           

 

Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  NATCH Rougned Odor hit a triple and JROLL‘d in the one week in the past like 9 that I couldn’t muster a triple, that won’t fix his ears though (9/30, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, 1 SB, .400 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  And also Kevin Gausman twirled a gem cuz again NATCH (8 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.13 ERA).

 

Bears Hitter Of Note:  I honestly have nobody to really commend here so let me just say I am confident a healthy Edwin Encarnacion would have hit 11 dongs over the weekend, he never lets me down come playoff time (2/14, 1 R, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, 1 SB, .235 OBP).

Bears Pitcher Of Note:  And for the last time just want to thank Aaron Nola for nearly singlehandedly willing us out of the depths of the league on the QS leaderboard, and for teaching me how to love (a pitcher) again (6 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA).

CO-BBOTW BREAKDOWN

 

And so the reasonnn the Slugs find themselves in a tough Round 1 matchup has a lot to do with a lot of different factors, the final spot in this year’s #BB truly coming down to some crazy tiebreakers and factors and yada yada. One of those factors was certainly an absolute COLLAPSE by the Bell Road Bears, which I cannot die is INTERESTING from a seasonal recap standpoint but also cannot deny not at all giving a shit about. BAD TEAM would have made no noise in the playoffs. The River City Bad Dudes however are poised to make noise, on the strength of a basically wire-to-wire Week 18 victory that gets them back in the dance (which they’ve been in every single time mehhhh). 4-3 advantage in the hitting cats and a 4-2-1 in the pitching stuff, shit pitching and injuries kinda robbing this one of much drama a Freddy Peralta Friday disaster sorta sunk the battleship longgggg before a Tyler Skaggs Saturday disaster had the chance to. And that was all she wrote for a team with numbers that likely should have stuck them with a Bonerz-esque record, and the team with slightly better numbers moves on and grabs the 6 seed. 3 teams from each division in the Backyard Bracket NICE SYMMETRY.

The River City Bad Dudes will enter the Bracket yet again, a 6 seed taking on the 3 seeded Barnegat Banana Slugs. The Bell Road Bears will miss the playoffs for the 2nd time in four seasons, book-ending two straight seasons of 1st round byes that lead to NOTHING and so questioning EVERYTHING about existence (jk I’m fine but feel free to try and trade for all my dudes of value, I want to join the MW @ the bottom SEEMS PEACEFUL DOWN THERE).

 

 

BBR1:  Bad Dudes @ Slugs (#6 v. #3) 

              Bears @ HIBERNATING

 

 

 

 

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EXHAUSTING, just an exhausting regular season. Now I get to (mostly) relax and visit Fangraphs a lot less and some of you can join me on this treat, some of you cannot. ALL OF YOU can feel free to gather your composure and scroll below for the Backyard Bracket Round 1 Preview, should anyone still read these things……

 

 

 

 

 

 

BACKYARD BRACKET ROUND 1 PREVIEW

 

Now that we have looked at how we arrived at this #FieldOfSix, let’s take a look at the matchups that will determine which two teams will advance to Round 2 and a date with our top two seeds aka the fuckers below…..

 

 

FIRST ROUND BYES:   #1  ASTORIA ISOTOPES (13-4-1, .750)

 

 

                                         #2  GARDEN STATE WARRIORS (13-5, .722)      

 

 

 

 

 

 

#3 BARNEGAT BANANA SLUGS (12-6, .667)   VS.     #6 RIVER CITY BAD                                                                           DUDES (8-10, .444)

                                   

 

 

The Barnegat Banana Slugs enter the 2018 #BackYardBracket having jusstttttt missed out on a bye, and it kinda stings this year as now they have to face a very capable six-seeded River City Bad Dudes franchise. The Slugs find themselves with the season-long advantage in every pitching cat outside of CGs (3-2 Dudes) and Holds, however the Bad Dudes have the advantage in every hitting cat outside of Steals. These things don’t exactly play out along those lines in a 7 day sample size BUT this will be an interesting matchup nonetheless, damn good pitching vs. pretty good hitting and all of the SSS craziness in play.

One thing working in the Banana Slugs favor is a pretty convincing season series sweep of the Bad Dudes, with a 9-1-4 victory in Week 8 and a 7-5-2 in Week 17. The Bad Dudes will be the first to remind you that the playoffs are a different animal altogether howevs. Also please everyone support local artists and save the Brian skateboarding GIF to your phone for use 4e.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR:  DONGS.  The Slugs will feel good about their advantages on the pitching side of things, most likely, but what would realllllly help ’em, out is a powerful week for the Barnegaters coupled with a bit o’ a dry spell for the Bad Dudes. While River City grabbed a 10-2 RBI lead after Monday’s festivities they only did so on the strength of 1 dong, and everyone knows it is gonna take more dongs than that. Dong dong dong dong dong.

 

 

 

 

 

#4 ROJO’S RENEGADE FORCE (8-7-3, .528)      VS.     #5 LACEY                                                                                           TOWNSHIP                                                                                       BACKDOORSLIDERZ                                                                                  (8-9-1, .472)

 

                VS.                 

 

The matchup that was only allowed into existence because the higher seed here acted SOFT in Week 17, I could really end this here but I will continue. IRONICALLY ENOUGH Rojo’s Renegade Force leads the league in the power cats (HRs/RBIs) BUT if we are being honest here the BackdoorSliderz have just been fucking solid pretty much across the board, all cats they hold their own. Also if we are being honest here RRF don’t deserve to win another game this season. MIGHT be why the BackdoorSliderz just put up perhaps the greatest Monday batting line in Backyard Bracket history. Let’s highlight it here:  17 Rs, 4 2Bs, 7 HRs, 20 RBIs, 1 SB, .4366 OBP. In the words of Noob-Noob:

 

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In the regular season the Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz won the first meeting between these two teams back in Week 8 (7-5-2). And THEN in Week 17 the Renegade Force started 11 and basically did that thing where dogs roll over as an act of submission, and so these two teams tied (6-6-2). So now you have the matchup that you have, with the BDSliderz taking a 1-0-1 regular season record into battle with these WIMPS.

 

WHAT TO WATCH FOR:  THE WILL OF THE FANTASY GODS. Life is all chaos and it is very unlikely there are “fantasy baseball gods” but also NO LESS LIKELY than any actual “God” so if there IS fantasy baseball gods (no way there’s an actual God) they are displeased with the RRF. And that is why they just got mollywhopped on a Monday in the hitting cats. These Bracket weeks they are long ones so this thing’s far from over, but if the BackdoorSliderz absolutely BLOW THE DOORS OFF this matchup I will certainly try and claim it is divine intervention of some sort. You should NEVER play for the tie, despite how pretty Rachel is.

 

 

 

(RECYCLED CLOSING PARAGRAPH ALERT)  AND SO THE STAGE……….HAS BEEN SET. BUT FOR REAL THIS TIME, THE BACKYARD BRACKET HAS BEEN COMPLETED AND THE BACKYARD CHAMPIONSHIP LEAGUE’S (BCL) 20178 PLAYOFFS ARE UNDERWAY AND WHO WILL MAKE THE BCS (BACKYARD CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES)? I KNOW I HAVE MY GUESSES. APOLOGIES TO THE FOUR LOSERS THREE LOSERS AND ME WHO ARE ALREADY GUARANTEED NOT TO MAKE SAID BCS, YOU HAVE ONLY YOURSELVES AND THE CRUELTY OF FANTASY SPORTS AND RANDOM CHANCE AND LUCK TO BLAME (AND ALSO ROJO AND AROLDIS CHAPMAN IN MY CASE. FUCK Y’ALL EVERYTHING. BYBR1 TUNE IN……………….
2018 Week 18 Review: “Oh Shit We Got Somewhere” Edition

2017 ROAD TO THE BCS ROUND 2 REVIEW/BCS PREVIEW THE FINISH LINE IS FINALLY NEAR

 

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THREE SAD CHUMPS, pictured from left to right: #2 Seed, #1 Seed, Defending Champeen

THE FINISH LINE IS FINALLY NIGH FRIENDS. AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS OF THIS SHIT WE HAVE OUR TWO POTENTIAL CHAMPEENS ALL LINED UP AND READY TO GO, AND IT TOOK A ROUND 2 FEATURING ONE SNOOZER AND ONE NAILBITER TO GET THERE. LET US REVIEW THOSE MATCHUPS FOR HOWEVER LONG I FEEL LIKE REVIEWING THEM, IN DESCENDING ORDER FROM SNOOZER TO NAILBITER…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sorry….

 


Point Loma X-Rayz Defeat The Barnegat Banana Slugs With All Around Excellent Performance  –  10-2-2

 

MVP:  Rhys Fucking Hoskins Folks  –  RHYS FUCKING HOSKINS FOLKS. I don’t even know what to say really, other than that Rhys Hoskins has maybe already clinched the finest individual performance ever seen in a BackyardBracket and he’s done it all as a High Minors bat.  WON’T SEE THIS AGAIN FOLKS.  Folks counter:  3.  10/26, 7 Rs, 1 2B, 6 HRs, 15 RBIs, .448 OBP           

LVP: Dominic Smith    Dominic Smith got a lot of ABs this round and maybe more than he deserved and he was not good in those ABs.  2/19, 1 RBI, .100 OBP      **LVP OF ROUND TWO**     

 

X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  CONTROVERSIALLY TRADED Trey Mancini just put together a helluva R2 performance so I bet a lot of you feel like jackasses over logging those complaints I know I would that was a picture perfect trade (11/23, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 1 HR, 8 RBIs, .519 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Anddd Chris Archer is definitely on top of his game at this point of the season, and that is something the X-Rayz should feel good about and they should also probably feel good about his chances in an upcoming matchup with the suckass White Sox (13 IP, 2 ER, 18 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.38 ERA).

 

Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  CONTROVERSIALLY (I would imagine, because you people bitch about everything) we are going to continue to only highlight the losers of the losers so here take a look at this loser named Jose Bautista (2/18, 1 R, 1 RBI, .190 OBP).

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Also check out this loser Zack Britton who simply couldn’t stay healthy this season and decided to demonstrate that ON THE BIG STAGE OF THE BRACKET following a blown save (0.2 IP, 2 ER, 27.00 ERA).

 

ASSORTED MUSINGS/ANALYSIS:  I will start by saying the Slugs clearly had a pretty poor week at a pretty poor time to do so, that much is clear. This was a poor time to throw up single digit HRs and a mere 33 Rs and an even mere-er 32 RBIs. And despite the loss they had a helluva season and they should be commended for their work in dealing with their team’s share of injuries and the StarMar suspension. HATS OFF TO EM. But also…… hats off to the X-Rayz for their Round 2 performance, as even a “good” week outta Barnegat would likely have been not good enough against these across the board numbers for Point Loma:  47 Rs, 19 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 13 HRs, 59 RBIs, 10 SBs, .3285 OBP, 101 Ks, 9 QS, 5 Ws, 7 Saves, 2 Holds, 1.958 ERA. EASILY the best and most complete performance the X-Rayz have put together PROBABLY EVER and about as well-rounded of a week as you will ever see out of any team in the playoffs. Which is the time of year you would want to have such a week. A sub-2 ERA this time of year is a huge accomplishment and it has a trickle-down effect, if your ERA is under 2 you’ve probably done a solid job in the rest of the pitching cats. So even though the Slugs pitched pretty well (88 Ks, 6 QS, 7 Ws, 7 Saves, 4 Holds, 3.075 ERA) they only ended up taking 2 cats on that side, and none on the other side, and that’s how you get your breakdown here. THE CURSE OF THE BYE CONTINUES and it is as sloppily researched as the Runner Up Curse, which is now officially dead thanks to these dickhead (Bad) Dudes. But we will talk about them in a sec; in this one, the Point Loma X-Rayz are victorious and they move onto the BACKYARD CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES presumably with confidence at an all-time high. The Barnegat Banana Slugs move on to the offseason, but at least school starts back up or something? Maybe play fantasy football? I don’t want to play fantasy sports for a while but I don’t fault anyone that does.

 

Next Week aka This Week:  #3 X-Rayz vs. #4 Bad Dudes, #2 Banana Slugs vs. The Man In The Mirror (perhaps asking him to change his ways?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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River City Bad Dudes Nearly Lose Via Mets Shittiness, Ultimately Win Via Mets Shittiness, Defeat Bellcrest Park MooniniteZ To Reach Third Straight BCS  –  8-4-2

 

MVP:  Giancarlo Stanton  –  In a matchup as tight as this one Stanton’s performance was crucial, he kinda needed to do the work of a couple superstars at once to make up for a few injuries and he kinda did. And so I hate him and I am glad that baseball hit him in the face back when that baseball hit him in the face.  13/29, 8 Rs, 3 2Bs, 5 HRs, 11 RBIs, .500 OBP     **MVP OF ROUND TWO**     

LVP:  Keon Broxton    Keon Broxton got a lot of ABs this round and maybe more than he deserved was not good in them and THIS WILL BE REMEMBERED come next year when a bunch of young OFs come to take his job on my team (and possibly on his actual team).  2/18, 1 RBI, .111 OBP

 

Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Xander Bogaerts delivered the one fucking triple in this matchup and we spent the rest of the week trying to spot start triples outta Kevin Kiermaier so NOTABLE PERFORMANCE XANDER GOOD JOB YOU FUCK (7/24, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, .393 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Dan Straily gave the Bad Dudes 10 Ks across 6 IP and then turned around and joined my team BECAUSE HE IS A WHORE and only delivered 5 against an equally shitty opponent, dick move Dan (6 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 4.50 ERA for RCBD ….. 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks, 1 QS, 3.00 ERA for BPMZ).

 

MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Andrew McCutchen was no peach himself, no peach at all (3/23, 1 R, 1 RBI, .231 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  The MooniniteZ tried to draw a line in the sand about what type of player would be too Red Sawksy to get a roster spot and CLEARLY John Lackey was too Red Sawksy and so fuck him he will never be seen on a squad of mine again (5 IP, 6 ER, 3 Ks, 10.80 ERA).

 

ASSORTED MUSINGS/ANALYSIS:  I don’t even know how to approach this one other than to say it was a fucking battle to the bitter end, as both teams put together shiite weekends (well at least Saturday and Sunday, the Bad Dudes Friday was the ultimate difference maker really) and as a result had to rely upon the machinations of a Mets-Nationals Sunday Night Baseball affair to sort this whole thing out. In the end this thing was razor thin and the Bad Dudes pulled it out.

First the weekend numbers:  10 Rs, 5 2Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs for River City vs. 13 Rs, 6 2Bs, 3 HRs, 9 RBIs for the BPMZ. So hey SLIGHTLY BETTER FOR THE BPMZ RIGHT? But we had to recover from a fairly weak Friday (7 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs) against a very non-weak Friday for the RCBD (12 Rs, 2 2Bs, 5 HRs, 13 RBIs, superior OBP EVERY GODDAMNED DAY) and that put us in a wee bit of a hole.

Now a cherry-picked display of the razor-thin margins:  Runs Bad Dudes +1, Triples Bad Dudes +1, HRs MooniniteZ +1, RBIs TIED, Strikeouts Bad Dudes +1, QS Bad Dudes +1, Wins Bad Dudes +1, Holds Bad Dudes +1.

Now a few words about the Sunday evening game: The MooniniteZ headed into the game needing 9 Ks or a Hold between Tanner Roark and Brandon Kintzler to advance via a Tie, presuming no Runs or RBIs for Wilmer Difo and no Holds for whichever clowns the Bad Dudes picked up for the double header (those clowns were Matt Albers and Josh Smoker). And through the first 2 innings was LOOKIN GOOD as Roark racked up 5 Ks through 2 and Difo had yet to Difuck me. But eventually Difo Difucked me (he would score twice) and eventually Roark ran outta gas one K short of the tie and then Hansel Robles Roblew it all cuz he sucks dick and then albers came in for a hold and got a k cuz he is fat and kintzler never sniffed the game not that it mattered and that was that.  The Bad Dudes both SWEATIN BULLETS due to the Mets shittiness and then rescued from the jaws of defeat or defeat via tiebreaker by that same Mets shittiness. Years of fanhood validated in a strangely beautiful way. The MooniniteZ fall short after grabbing a First Round Bye for the second year runnin’

The River City Bad Dudes will advance to their third straight BCS, and fourth overall, to take on the Point Loma X-Rayz. The Bellcrest Park MooniniteZ will do none of these things.

Next Week aka This Week:   #4 Bad Dudes @. #3 X-Rayz, #1 MooniniteZ @ Retiring To A Quiet Cabin For Months To Ponder What Lies Next For The Franchise But Also Updating This Blog For A Bit Longer So Not Being All That Quiet And Also Not Going To Any Cabins

 

 

 

 

 

BACKYARD CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES PREVIEW

 

AND SO IT IS FINALLY UPON US, after months of annoying trade offers and transactions and complaining about trade offers and transactions and number of DL spots and whether or not people need to adhere to agreed upon start limits in the long weeks and so on and so forth man I am already burnt out on the fantasy front BUT FIRST…..we have a Backyard Championship Series to play out y’all.  And it is a good one between two opponents each finding themselves in the BCS for the FOURTH time overall, the third in a row for Bad Dudes ownership and the first appearance for X-Rayz since they joined forces with yours truly to rattle off 3 straight championships in their first 3 years in this league (a league full of the still fantasy bitter and still fantasy jealous that will complain about me even citing those appearances but HEY THEY HAPPENED if “we couldn’t compete with a team with two owners in the playoffs because we aren’t fantasy good enough to do that” is the hill you all want to die on DIE LIKE A DOG ON THAT HILL)…where was I? Sometimes I use too many parentheses and they don’t necessarily function the way I think the inventor of the parentheses intended, WHOMever that person may be. Le’ts talk about this matchup a bit more below, yanno in the actual preview part.

 

 

 

 

 

#3 POINT LOMA X-RAYZ                        VS.  #4 RIVER CITY BAD DUDES

                    VS.               Bad Dudes

 

 

We are gonna take this shit apart corner by corner, in honor of boxing being briefly relevant again for a hot moment there, and IN OUR FIRST CORNER we have the #3 Seed Point Loma X-Rayz. I dunno if you are supposed to put the lower seed in the first corner but who fucking cares, the X-Rayz are HERE ladies and gentlemen and they are here to take your beloved trophy and whisk it across the continent baggage fees be damned. And they got here with the same formula that’s gotten them into the playoffs every goddamned season since they took over their individual franchise, and that formula is speed + speed. They were 1st in Triples and Stolen Bases and 2nd in Runs on account of all those speedsters getting into scoring position, they were also last in RBIs BUT DON’T TELL THAT TO THE PLAYOFFS VERSION as they just got finished using Rhys Hoskins and co. to rack up 57 RBIs on a mere 13 HRs, six of which came from Rhys.  The X-Rayz actually find themselves 9th in RBIs as a result of all this madness, surpassing those dumb OGTFC because they have everyone on their bench. “WAHHHHH BUT THINK OF THE SEASON LONG STATS.” The point is the X-Rayz can absolutely steal the RBIs category in this matchup (HRs I would likely be a bit less confident in but with Hoskins and an ailing Bad Dudes roster WHO KNOWS) while also maintaining their usual paces in the speed-centric cats and if all that comes together that could spell trouble for their opposition here. So let us meet said opposition.

In the other corner we have the #4 Seeded River City Bad Dudes, making an IMPRESSIVE third straight appearance in the BCS. Would be more impressive if they had one last year, and will end up feeling kinda sad if they lose two in a row, but FOR NOW IMPRESSIVE (take that takedown you fuckers). The Bad Dudes CONTINUE to press on despite mounting injuries to fantasy studs (Harper, Contreras, I guess Lester to an extent, Salazar and now Cespedes) and that is commendable but also fuck them is what I think. River City was the second most prolific HR and RBI team this season so you’ll get a bit of a power vs. speed matchup here, but when this lineup is on and at least relatively healthy they can put up some eye-popping numbers. Their Round 1 offense was so good that I intentionally talked up the X-Rayz Round 2 offense just as a way of ignoring it, but the numbers were the best of the playoffs in most cats and they were as such:  59 Rs, 20 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 21 HRs, 67 RBIs, 7 SBs, .4087 OBP. Just OBLITERATED the Isotopes down to their electrons. They are also as good as anyone at pushing the right buttons this time of year. HENCE the third straight BCS appearance and all. It should also be noted that with Giancarlo Stanton being on another planet the way he is right now (shades of what I presume Bryce Harper was like back in 2015?) you have more wiggle room to push the wrong buttons or push no buttons at all or what have you.

These two teams battled twice in the regular season, I suppose at some point I can stop saying that as it can just be assumed going forward, but yea they did and just as in the first two rounds the Bad Dudes will be taking on an opponent that SWEPT em. Maybe law of averages is on their side or something. In Week 8 it was the X-Rayz defeating the Bad Dudes 7-6-1, and in Week 17 SAME but with a much healthier margin of 10-4-0. Surely the X-Rayz are hoping the Week 17 matchup bodes well given its proximity to this current week (which would technically be Week 21), surely the Bad Dudes are hoping I dunno that it is really hard to beat a team three times in a row or something. And in true baseball playoffs type fashion we have the River City Bad Dudes representing our National Division or League or whatfuckingever and the Point Loma X-Rayz representing our American Division or League or whatfuckingever. So that is cute.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR:  JUST WATCH.  These two teams are as adept as anyone at playoff maneuvering so there could be plenty of fantasy tradecraft along the way but really this is just going to be a real good championship battle, as both teams want this one badly and won’t feel badly about taking it from the other guy. PLENTY OF NARRATIVE here:  the Bad Dudes attempting to beat 3 teams they went a combined 0-6 against in the regular season, the X-Rayz attempting to win their first title as a standalone franchise, uhhh they are both named “Mike” or whatever if you’re into that one. I think the Bad Dudes knocked out the X-Rayz last year so there is that. JUST GONNA BE A BATTLE and I expect it to be every bit as tense and down to the wire as the battle the Bad Dudes just endured. You know just to insert myself into the narrative. And WHILE I AM HERE the Bad Dudes would also be reaching 3 titles by going through the other two owners with 3 titles so that’s a narrative thing. LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. No I am kidding don’t look at me but pay attention to this BCS, because this was a helluva competitive season and as such I expect a competitive finale.

 

 

 

AND SO IT HAS BEEN DECIDED, ONE OF THESE TWO TEAMS SHALL BE OUR 2017 CHAMPION COME THIS TIME NEXT WEEK. I EXPECT THIS ONE TO BE A BATTLE START TO FINISH SO EXPECT SOME LATE-BBQ DRAMA NEXT WEEKEND AND A BUNCH OF BUDDY BUDDY “COMPLIMENTING EACH OTHER’S TEAMS AT 11 PM EST WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS NOT IN THE CHAT” TYPE STUFF EVERY NIGHT BEFORE THEN. MAYBE NOT SATURDAY. BY SATURDAY SHIT WILL GET REAL. I HOPE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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SORRY AGAIN, but our Graphics Dept. worked really hard on all of these so I need to work em in wherever I can…..

 

2017 ROAD TO THE BCS ROUND 2 REVIEW/BCS PREVIEW THE FINISH LINE IS FINALLY NEAR

2017 Week 18 Review: The Dust Has Settled Edition (NOW WITH ROUND ONE PREVIEW!)

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AND THUS CONCLUDES THE REGULAR SEASON. THIS ONE WAS PERHAPS THE WACKIEST SEASON YET, WITH ONLY TWO TEAMS OUT OF CONTENTION AS WE HEADED INTO WEEK 18. NOT TOO SUUREEEE THAT HAS EVER BEEN THE CASE. BUT WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE THERE CAN ONLY BE SIX HEADED TO THE BACKYARD BRACKET (UGLY PROTOTYPE ABOVE, BELOW THE GIF OF SPIDERMAN FIGHTING DUST SURELY YOU SEE IT) AND IT TOOK A WHOLE LOTTA WEEK 18 MADNESS (INCLUDING YET ANOTHER SUNDAY NIGHT HEARTBREAKER) TO GET TO THAT SIX SO LET US ILLUMINATE MORE SPECIFICALLY HOW WE GOT TO THAT SIX..……

 

 

 

 

 

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The NEWLY CHRISTENED Bellcrest Park MooniniteZ Defeat The Toms River Titans And Nobody Cared Here So Let Us Just Get This One Out Of The Way Now  –  8-5-1

 

MVP:  Eddie Rosario  –  Neither team gave a shit, but THIS GUY was picked up just to prepare for a Round 2 Monday night doubleheader and he is out here SLUGGIN’. So fuck it maybe he stays around after that even, baseball is a funny game.  12/27, 10 Rs, 3 2Bs, 4 HRs, 9 RBIs, 1 SB, .484 OBP      

LVP:  JT Realmuto    Nobody gave a shit here, but perhaps JT gave the least shit of all?  2/21, 1 R, 1 RBI, .200 OBP     

 

MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Again neither team gave a shit, but here look at this Joey Votto walked 12 times last week (8/22, 10 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .588 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  Anddd naturally James Paxton went and got hurt and now the BPMZ’s two best pitchers will miss the entire playoffs in all likelihood EXCELLENT (6.1 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 4.26 ERA).

 

Titans Hitter Of Note:  They didn’t give a shit here, but as the Titans look ahead to 2018 they can take solace in the fact that Andrew Benintendi will probably be pretty good that Red Sawks fuck (10/22, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 9 RBIs, 2 SBs, .458 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  And maybe Eduardo Rodriguez, a different Red Sawks fuck, will also be pretty good which would give the Titans yet another pitching piece that could be argued to be excessive at this point (6 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, 1 QS, 0.00 ERA).

 

ASSORTED MUSINGS/ANALYSIS:  This one had no bearing on the playoff picture and neither team paid much attention so I don’t think there’s much to say here, other than to note that both of these teams had PRETTY STRONG offensive numbers and both of these teams only started 5 pitchers. Although it SHOULD BE NOTED that the MooniniteZ racked up 60 Ks with only 5 starts so yanno, it is possible the strikeout record might have been in play if they kept something close to that pace. But WITH SO MANY PITCHING INJURIES HOW WOULD I EVEN FIND 12 STARTS. Anywho the Titans put up solid hitting stats in their 2017 swan song (49 Rs, 19 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 16 HRs, 42 RBIs, 7 SBs, .3469 OBP) but the MooniniteZ put up slightly better numbers in some spots (53 Rs, 19 HRs, 43 RBIs, .3828 OBP) and got a whole bunch of Saves (10) and there is your difference. In Round 1 BOTH THESE TEAMS will be on vacation, in Round 2 the #1 seed Bellcrest Park MooniniteZ  will return from vacation to take on the winner of the uhhhh 4 v. 5 First Round Matchup or whatever. The Titans will remain on vacation, but they will be remembered. Hopefully they change their team name in 2018 so I can avoid these Remember The Titans puns because otherwise I just can’t fucking help myself sometimes.

 

Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ vs. BYE, Titans @ DONE FOR THE YEAR

 

 

 

 

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Point Loma X-Rayz Deliver The Final Sting To the Q-Tip City Morning Wood Season  –  6-4-4

 

MVP:  Jose Pirela  –  Jose Pirela out here SHININ’ for the X-Rayz’ home town team, and also for the X-Rayz. This particular week.  10/24, 8 Rs, 3 2Bs, 3 HRs, 5 RBIs, .533 OBP     

LVP:  Logan Morrison    LoMo you could have contributed more than 5 measly singles and 1 measly RBI but you didn’t and that is why you are here.  5/21, 1 RBI, .2611 OBP         

 

X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Gotta shout out to Yadier Molina here cuz he’s like 94 years old in catcher years and still getting it done both at and behind the plate (6/26, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, 1 SB, .259 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Not alotta standouts for the X-Rayz on this side of the ball in Week 18 but uhhh Chris Devenski got 2 Holds with only one inning of work so let us make note…..of that (1 IP, 0 ER, 1 K, 2 Holds, 0.00 ERA).

 

Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  I am gonna highlight my favorite Morning Wood pickup and that is a one Whit Merrifield, everyone knows they either rostered him or considered rostering him and then just threw him back in the pond and now LOOK AT EM he might rather improbably be a guy I wanna trade for him already (10/32, 3 Rs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 7 RBIs, 1 SB, .324 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  And let us also highlight the work of Carlos Martinez which has been plenty solid for this sinking ship all season say that 5x fast (14 IP, 5 ER, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 3.21 ERA).

 

ASSORTED MUSINGS/ANALYSIS:  What can weeee discuss here? Let’s see, the X-Rayz lead the league in steals in Week 18 and that prompted me to look back and see how many times they DIDN’T lead the league in steals and turns out they didn’t lead the league in steals 6 times in teh 18 weeks. So a 66.6% league-leading steal numbers percentage. Not too shabby. In other news the Bonerz had the fewests Runs in the league in Week 18 (35) and that is something that probably happened AT LEAST 66.6% of the time, they also tied for the fewest RBIs (36) and that is probably something that happened fairly frequently as well. TOUGH INAUGURAL SEASON for QTC is what I am saying here. That being said they did ride some decentish pitching numbers to a near upset here, but in the end it fell short and mercifully their season comes to a close. We will give them the first year to sort of mold their roster and learn the league ins and outs, hell even the MooniniteZ sucked in their expansion year, but NEXT YEAR I WANT LESS HEAD SCRATCHING TRADES. As for the X-Rayz, they wrap up a PRETTY IMPRESSIVE third straight double digit win season (an EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE sixth straight if you go back to the dynasty dayz) and wrap up the #3 seed and for their troubles they draw the guy from Lacey that they HANDPICKED for the league. Did they handpick their own doom? Tune in this week to find out.

 

Next Week aka This Week:   #3 X-Rayz vs. #6 BDSliderz (The Commish takes on THE MAN HE BROUGHT INTO THE LEAGUE, write your own storylines accordingly, Morning Wood vs. THE LONG COLD OFFSEASON

 

 

 

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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Slide On Into The Playoffs With An Impressive Victory Over The Barnegat Banana Slugs  –  9-2-3

 

MVP:  Justin Turner  –  Justin Turner is having himself a HELL of a fucking season, and I once owned this guy and I just straight up dropped him AND THAT SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE AND EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT ME ALWAYS.  7/23, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 4 HRs, 9 RBIs, .346 OBP      ***MVP OF THE WEEK***         

LVP:  Trevor Story    Same old Story. Which is that Trevor Story isn’t that good. IT ISN’T A “DOWN YEAR” IT IS A FLAWED APPROACH SEE ALSO RYAN SCHIMPF.  1/13, .250 OBP         

 

BackdoorSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Michael Conforto is another BackdoorSlider swingin’ a hot bat at justttttttt the right time o’ year it seems, all of his hits last week left the yard (4/21, 6 Rs, 4 HRs, 7 RBIs, .370 OBP).

BackdoorSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  And Aaron Nola continues to do quite a good job of uhhh preventing others from swinging a hot bat (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.29 ERA).

 

Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  As Brian has noted the continuing correction of Josh Donaldson‘s numbers continues, he isn’t nearly as old as he looked earlier in the season folks (8/20, 4 Rs, 3 HRs, 9 RBIs, .538 OBP).

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  DO NOT LOOK NOW but Jake Arrieta looks good again, I sure as shit would take him all my pitchers are dead or dying (12.1 IP, 3 ER, 11 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 2.19 ERA).

 

 

ASSORTED MUSINGS/ANALYSIS:  OH YEA THIS MATCHUP HAPPENED TOO. This is perhaps the only typo if you will that I have ever regretted because Doch really DOES deserve some discussion and some credit for coming to play in Week 18 and doing what he needed to do to set his team up for a possibly playoff berth. A berth they would eventually realize when all the rest of the chips fell where they may. BUT FIRST the BackdoorSliderz needed to take care of their own business AND TAKE CARE OF IT THEY DID:  17 Rs, 46 RBIs, .3593 OBP, 95 Ks, 10 Ws, 2.531 ERA. These are all excellent numbers folks, and all good enough for category Ws in this one, and it was 1 uhhh “point” if you will losses in QS and Saves that served as the only real blemishes on the week for Lacey Township.  Just a real solid performance in a must-win week, highlighted by a 9 R 6 HR 14 RBI Sunday to come from behind in a lot of these categories, as the Banana Slugs seemingly had already started their bye week at that point. So yes for the Banana Slugs, they stop their “non-losing” streak at 6 but they remain the #2 seed and in possession of the all-important First Round Bye (as well as an always impressive double digit win season). That sentence I just typed means the Banana Slugs will be on vacation in the #BackYardBracket’s first round, biding their time and whatnot. The Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz ON THE OTHER HAND head to Point Loma for a showdown with an old friend that abandoned them, and abandoned us all really, for the sunshine of the west coast. Should be a doozy of a matchup.

 

Next Week aka This Week:   BDSliderz @ X-Rayz (“Oh thanks for inviting me into your little fantasy baseball league NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY”)Banana Slugs vs. The Sweet Taste Of A First Round Bye

 

 

 

 

 

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Astoria Isotopes Punch Their Ticket To The Postseason At The Expense Of The Team They Will Now Play In Round One (River City Bad Dudes)  –  8-5-1

 

MVP:  Odubel Herrera  –  HOWZ ABOUT A JROLL FROM A PHILADELPHIA PHILLY WHAT A SWEET WEEK 18 TREAT. I had no idea that Odubel was on the ‘Topes and have no idea that his performance was back from the grave. Perhaps I should get re-acquainted with my possible Round 2 opponents at some point.  10/22, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, 2 SBs, .538 OBP          

LVP:  Rougned Odor    Oh Rougned, what have you become? A marginal player whom will probably rebound next year but whom has negative value this year, is what you have become.  2/15, 1 2B, .188 OBP         

 

Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Khris Davis nearly had himself a JROLL as well but couldn’t man the fuck up and get himself a steal, EVEN THOUGH HE IS BLACK @gaheroy (6/21, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, .423 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  I think lots of people should have probably grabbed Sean Doolittle when they had the chance and now he’s out here putting up 3 Save weeks and whatnot (4 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, 3 Saves, 0.00 ERA).

 

Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  THE BIG NEWS really from this past week was that Bryce Harper done fucked his knee up and is very likely out for our entire fantasy playoffs, so the Bad Dudes will now have to try and win a championship without the guy that CARRIED THEM to their last one (5/15, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 1 HR, 6 RBIs, .368 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  BUT MAYBE Ervin Santana CAN CARRY THEM THROUGH THIS YEAR, I am thinking a string of CGs or something (11 IP, 4 ER, 12 Ks, 1 QS, 3.27 ERA).

 

 

ASSORTED MUSINGS/ANALYSIS:  Credit where credit is due here, the ‘Topes needed to win to get in here and they did their job. Not only that but they did said job against the team they would be pretty much guaranteed to face in Round 1…..so yanno now they’ll face in Round 1. BUT IN WEEK 18 this was all about the ‘Topes outslugging the Bad Dudes, and also a good bit about the Bad Dudes just having a Bad Offensive Week, and also a good bit about the Bad Dudes coping with the psychological trauma of a Saturday Bryce Harper Bad Injury. River City posted the week’s worst OBP (.2988) and second fewest Runs (39) and despite some solid pitchin’ and pen numbers (96 Ks, 3.544 ERA, 5 Saves, 3 Holds) the sagging offense was all the window the ‘Topes needed in a somewhat-typical-for-them strong offensive week (57 Runs, 18 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 18 HRs, 8 SBs, and a league-leading .4065 OBP). Astoria would take 6 of 7 hitting cats and would sneak by with one more QS (7 to 6) and one more Win (5 to 4) than their opponents and that is your spread folks. Astoria now returns to the playoffs after a one year hiatus with their most dangerous offense PROBABLY OF ALL TIME in tow, and they will be taking on the same goddamned team they just took on we literally just talked about it. For the River City Bad Dudes they will be hoping the third time is the charm (FOURTH TIME if you count the Wiffleball HR Derby), as they suffered a Season Series Sweep at the hands of the Astoria Isotopes (and a humiliating derby loss at the hands of their owner). But again the key story here is the Bad Dudes will have to do it alllll without their star player, he of the 197 wRC+ back in Lobman’s 2015 championship season.

 

Next Week aka This Week:   WE ARE RUNNING THIS ONE BACK, #4 Bad Dudes vs. #5 Isotopes (disregard what ESPN says regarding seeding)

 

 

 

 

 

 

2017 WEEK 18 GAME OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY A DIFFERENT GAME OF THE WEEK THINGIE

 

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They make lots of these things……

 

 

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But hey at least Rafael Devers got Rojo the all-time HRs record?

 

OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Rip Out The Heart of Rojo’s Renegade Force And For Their Troubles Now Both Of Them Are Staying Home For The Playoffs  –  7-6-1

 

MVP:  Brian Dozier  –  THE DOZE MAN did all he could to try and drag this undeserving team into the playoffs. BOY he woulda been fun to watch on a playoff team, just to see if he could replicate last season’s 2nd half. But oh well I guess. Also JROLL.   13/34, 9 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 9 RBIs, 1 SB, .417 OBP

LVP:  Mike Foltynewicz    Really if someone is to be blamed here it is Folty for this Friday performance that FUCKED the Renegade Force, keep in mind they narrowly lost both Ks and ERA.  2.2 IP, 6 ER, 1 K, 20.25 ERA     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***

 

OGTGC Hitter Of Note:  Kris Bryant is an excellent hitter who will NOT be featured in this year’s #BackYardBracket and he had a ridiculous OBP last week (14/23, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, .679 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  Sean Manaea got fucking ROCKED, ESPN described it with “may be the worst fantasy start of the year by any pitcher” so I guess that is noteworthy (0.1 IP, 6 ER, 0 Ks, 162.00 ERA).

 

RRF Wood Hitter Of Note:  Nelson Cruz is an excellent hitter who will NOT be featured in this year’s #BackYardBracket and he is a beloved former player of mine and I wish him well in the twilight of his career (10/23, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 4 HRs, 10 RBIs, .440 OBP).

RRF Pitcher Of Note:  Corey Kluber is a fucking PHENOMENAL pitcher who nearly carried the RRF to the playoffs all by himself and he will NOT be featured in this year’s #Backyard Bracket and he should have garnered at least one “Dy Young” vote as he’s been pretty unreal in the second half here (16 IP, 4 ER, 20 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 1 CG, 2.25 ERA).

 

ASSORTED MUSINGS/ANALYSIS:  OH WHAT A FUCKING PAINFUL ONE for Renegade Force Fanz worldwide. They had this one, they had this one within their grasp and then they choked it all away. And to a team that was simply using the last week to get to an unholy 6-6-6 record and ALSO miss the playoffs, no less. I could talk about numbers here but numbers and charts and figures CANNOT QUANTIFY HEARTBREAK, and I am both heartbroken to see the Renegade Force miss the playoffs and also kinda happy cuz they might have been tough and DEFINITELY happy that the OGTFC also missed the playoffs. Yet again there will be no back to back champion, Odom and I will have our quiet champagne toast at some point in the near future and Mercury Morris will probably show up to that one as well. Let the record show we will also have a quiet champagne toast if anyone ever goes back to back because we know they will probably never go back to back to back that is really difficult. But where was I? BRANDON FUCKING KINTZLER, that is where I was. Sure Jordan Montgomery could have maybe gone a bit deeper in the Sunday night game and grabbed 2 more Ks (OGTF won the cat 73-72) but I mean also give the guy a fucking break he took a batting practice liner to the head Saturday and he was facing the Red Sox. But it was Brandon Kintzler’s appearance late Sunday night and the subsequent 1 K he got in it that would prove the fatal difference here. That combined with that SHITTY Folty start discussed above also combined with Rafael Devers not being in the Sunday night starting lineup to open up the possibility of the miracle SB (2-2). And YES, Devers did come in late and take Chapman deep and with that Rojo’s Renegade Force are now the sole owner of the ALL TIME HOME RUN RECORD for a week. SMALL CONSOLATION TO RRF FANS WORLDWIDE, as they continue to await their first championship.

 

Next Week aka This Week: BOTH OF YOU ARE HOME, GO HOME BOTH OF YOU

 

 

 

OH BUT THERE IS MORE……..ROUND ONE PREVIEW HERE WE GO…..

 

 

 

 

 

ROUND 1 PREVIEW

 

Now that we have looked at how we arrived at this #FieldOfSix, let’s take a look at the matchups that will determine which two teams will advance to Round 2 to take on the top 2 seeds…..

 

 

FIRST ROUND BYES:   #1  BELLCREST PARK MOONINITEZ     

 

 

 

                                         #2  BARNEGAT BANANA SLUGS         

 

 

 

 

 

 

#3 POINT LOMA X-RAYZ     VS.     #6 LACEY TWP BACKDOORSLIDERZ

            VS.                        

 

 

The Point Loma X-Rayz enter the 2017 #BackYardBracket AS POSSIBLE CHAMPIONSHIP FAVORITES if group chat polling is to be believed, but first they’ll have to take out the new guy (and new guys have had some luck or success or whatever you want to call it in their playoff debuts in the past). Both of these teams would qualify as dangerous if they are to advance to the next round, the X-Rayz earn that title with their typical formula of speed speed and speed and the BackdoorSliderz earn that title with a more well-rounded attack. The season-long numbers back this up; the X-Rayz are leading the league in Triples and Stolen Bases (also 2nd in Runs) but laggards in the HR and RBI categories, and the BackdoorSliderz slotting into the top 5 in all offensive categories. Interestingly enough both teams have pitched to a near-equal ERA, X-Rayz slightly ahead 3.971 to 3.997, showing just how far the Lacey pitching staff has come in recent weeks (they were definitely towards the bottom in previous installments of the Power Rankings in that particular CAT). The rest of the pitching numbers tend to fall in the X-Rayz favor, they are the #3 seed here after all, so Lacey Township will certainly want to stream carefully if they are to try and pull off the oleeee 6 over 3 upset here.

These two teams split their season series, with the BackdoorSliderz winning in Week 6 (7-3-4) and the Point Loma X-Rayz taking their Week 15 matchup (7-6-1). The winner here moves on to take on the #2 seed Barnegat Banana Slugs; the Slugs are 2-0 this season against the X-Rayz and 1-1 against Lacey Township.

WHAT TO WATCH FOR:  POWER NUMBERS.  Everyone knows they are likely in for an L in the SBs cat when they head to Point Loma, and it can be a bit of a dangerous trap for teams to try and alter their roster to stay competitive there. But it can be even worse if teams have a bit of a power outage that coincides with a power boon in Point Loma, as you really want to make sure you take the HR and RBI categories at a minimum when taking on this team. Watch the power numbers early to see if the X-Rayz are keeping pace with the BackdoorSliderz in these cats, it could signal some reallll trouble for Doch if one of those categories goes to Point Loma.

 

 

 

 

 

#4 RIVER CITY BAD DUDES     VS.     #5 ASTORIA ISOTOPES

 

     

Bad Dudes            VS.                 

 

The Week 18 matchup so nice we are playing it twice, or whatever, as the Astoria Isotopes now have to suffer the INDIGNITY of marching into Round 1 as the lower seed against the team they just handily defeated in Week 18. And the Isotopes will be marching in with a dominant offense:  3rd in Runs this season, 2nd in HRs and RBIs, really good at pretty much everything except stealing bases and hitting two-baggers for some reason. But they’ll be facing a pretty powerful offense in itself (ALBEIT GRAVELY WOUNDED) in the higher-seeded Bad Dudes:  3rd in HRs and 3rd in RBIs, just one RBI back of the ‘Topes there. River City might not be as strong, at least season-long rankings wise, as Astoria in some other offensive categories but they may very well make up for it on the other side of the coin:  2nd in Ks3rd in QS and Ws1st in Saves. MUCH LIKE the 3v6 matchup this one features a more well-rounded lower seed offensively (again just due to a very unscientific review of season-long numbers that is full of holes if you really think about it) but stronger pitching just about across the board from the higher seed (the ‘Topes do boast 2 more Wins and 2 more Holds than the RCBD but that is all they got on ’em). WHAT THAT MEANS I do not know, I do not know what any of this means. I think again the key here might be the power categories, as both of these teams probably generally expect to win those two (hence being 2nd and 3rd in them both, respectively) AND YET ONLY ONE CAN WIN EACH CAT. OR THEY CAN TIE.

In the regular season the 5th seed here took BOTH matchups, beating the Bad Dudes back in Week 10 (8-4-2) and then again like two days ago in Week 18 (8-5-1). The winner here gets a date with the top-seeded MooniniteZ, and INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH the 5th-seeded Isotopes boast the only current owner to have beaten the BPMZ this season and he did it twice. The River City Bad Dudes lost both of their matchups with the MooniniteZ, and actually boast a record of something like 3-7 against all of the playoff teams I think, so they can suck on that.

 

WHAT TO WATCH FOR:  LOBMAN’S DELICIOUS TEARS OVER THE BRYCE HARPER INJURY. Bryce Harper is very good we all know that. And what SOME OF US KNOW (or have decided) is that this franchise’s last title was entirely a product of Bryce’s epic 2015 season, in the same way that your author’s lone fantasy football championship coincided with CJ2K. The Isotopes already boost a formidable offense and it is no doubt a devastating blow for the Bad Dudes to be without their Baddest Dude in this matchup, so look out for the waterworks if things aren’t going the 4 seeds way in this one come sayyyyy Saturday evening-ish. It is easy to get dehydrated in the thin Colorado air and Lobman will be at a serious risk if he is losing water through his tears. Is all I am saying.

 

 

 

 

AND SO THE STAGE……….HAS BEEN SET. BUT FOR REAL THIS TIME, THE BACKYARD BRACKET HAS BEEN COMPLETED AND THE BACKYARD CHAMPIONSHIP LEAGUE’S (BCL) 2017 PLAYOFFS ARE UNDERWAY AND WHO WILL MAKE THE BCS (BACKYARD CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES)? I KNOW I HAVE MY GUESSES. APOLOGIES TO THE FOUR LOSERS WHO ARE ALREADY GUARANTEED NOT TO MAKE SAID BCS, YOU HAVE ONLY YOURSELVES AND THE CRUELTY OF FANTASY SPORTS AND RANDOM CHANCE AND LUCK TO BLAME. FUCK Y’ALL. BYBR1 TUNE IN……………….

 

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2017 Week 18 Review: The Dust Has Settled Edition (NOW WITH ROUND ONE PREVIEW!)