In today’s age of instant analysis and tweetery and other fuckery, there is a tendency within this league to immediately declare “winners” and “losers” on all trades and transactions. I generally don’t approve of this practice, particularly when Mikey T is doing it because he is almost always wrong #SeanForCommish. That being said, I have an unfulfilling job and Mike bestowed upon me the ability to post things to this “blog” SO LET’S DECLARE THE BIGGEST WINNER AND LOSER FOR EACH ROUND OF THE DRAFT. Shall we? We shall.
A few quick rules:
- You have to have a pick in said round to be declared winner or loser of said round (this means Odom is safe for the first 15 rounds or whatever. I trust his process).
- Multiple picks in a round can either help you or hurt you depending on how stupid or less stupid you were with said picks.
- My opinion is the correct opinion and your opinion is the incorrect opinion.
I believe that about covers it. ON TO ROUND 1 or 16 or whatever is least confusing for your small brains.
—ROUND 1 (16)(shame on us for having so many fucking keepers I will not miss these drafts)—
Lobman: Freddie Freeman (153), Carlos Martinez (155), and Hanley Ramirez (160).
I really really do not want to be complimentary of Lobman’s draft very often and truth be told I’ll probably find a way to make this the last nice thing I have to say about Mike ever, but I guess he technically “won” this round through A) having Freeman fall to him and B) making a very nice pickup in Carlos Martinez. It is a testament to those first two picks that I am not going to discuss how much of a mistake it was picking Hanley Ramirez, whom sucks dick.
Connor: Ken Giles (157).
Connor takes the all-important first round loser crown by taking a goddamned closer, which surely hasn’t been done since Odom and I took an SP eligible Aroldis Chapman. I think we all know how that turned out. What Connor did here was way different than that and Connor sucks for this. Just plain sucks.
—ROUND 2 (17)—
Greg: Gregory Polanco (162)
Greg is another guy I hate speaking about in a positive manner, and in fact I rarely do! But Greg wins out here by Rojo being a dumbass and taking a world-weary Matt Kemp in Round 1 instead of G-Po, a youthful stud. Quick and friendly reminder that this is a dynasty league. Anyways, Rojo himself lucked out because Connor took a closer in the first round and so he avoided my public shame and ridicule over Matt fucking Kemp. Hey speaking of….
GOD YOU FUCKING BIGGEST LOSER YOU:
Connor: Mark Melancon (168).
CONNOR YOUR TEAM IS NOT THIS GOOD YOU ALREADY TOOK A FUCKING CLOSER IN THE FIRST ROUND YOUR TEAM WAS NOT A FEW CLOSERS AWAY FROM GREATNESS GODDAMN YOU. Furthermore STOP WITH THE FUCKING DRAKE-THEMED TEAM NAMES YOU ARE THE MCGIBBLETS NOW AND FOREVER AND I KNOW MIKEY T IS RUNNING YOUR TEAM AND HE IS DOING A POOR JOB OF IT CLEARLY…… #SeanForCommish
—ROUND 3 (18)—
Ryan: Raisel Iglesias (176), Brandon Belt (179).
Ryan did a nice job here taking the amazing destined for greatness Raisel Iglesias and a criminally underrated due for a breakout right about now Brandon Belt. Ryan then sent me Raisel Iglesias for Carlos Rodon, whom I took two picks ahead at 174 and whom is also destined for greatness just using a different throwing arm. Nice work all around, and Ryan now officially has the greatest collection of left-handed pitchers ever assembled in this league.
Lobman: Kenta Maeda (175).
Fuck you Mike, this guy probably tops out at 86 MPH and you will never win back to back championships and in fact you already lost this year by going trade-happy and letting all your power bats just up and leave. I would insert a picture of the 1997 Marlins if I was more web-savvy.
—ROUND 4 (19)—
MOONINITEZ: Lance McCullers (183), Andrew Miller (189).
Reports of Lance McCuller’s shoulder’s demise have been greatly exaggerated, and he is really good. And Andrew Miller shall spend all of April being a really good closer before turning into the league’s best setup man and then probably going back to being a really good closer in 2017 when Aroldis goes off to a new team or gets killed by a ricochet. GREAT VALUE ALL AROUND HERE, ME.
Mikey T: Starlin Castro (184).
I mean I really could have just had Connor three-peat at this point but 1- everyone knows Odom and I will be the last team to ever three-peat anything in this sorry league and 2- Mikey T somehow conspired to steal the show from his own farm team with this Starlin Castro reeeeeeeeach to end all reaches. I mean, I’ve got nothing to say really. Slightly speechless. Bravo to you sir.
BIGGEST LOSER HONORABLE MENTION THAT I AM FORCED TO MENTION: CONNOR, Hector Rondon (188)
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CONNOR/MIKEY T
—ROUND 5 (20)—
Brian: Zach Britton (195), Brian McCann (200).
Now here’s a guy that gets it. Brian plays it safe in Round 5 with an underrated closer in Britton and the guy that single-handedly helped Mike luck into a championship last year in Brian McCann. See below for what NOT to do with your two 5th round draft picks.
Heroy: Alex Gordon (198), Dansby Swanson (199).
I relish any opportunity to declare that a prospect got drafted ever so slightly earlier than I thought they should get drafted and that is what I am doing here, HEROY YOU DICKHOLE YOU. However going beyond that I am also criticizing the selection of Alex Gordon, who is the current king of “better in real life baseball than fantasy baseball” names. UZR isn’t a category and Alex Gordon the fantasy player has mostly sucked ever since Rojo cursed him as his first pick. I call it how I see it, Greg.
—ROUND 6 (21)—
MOONINITEZ: Vincent Velasquez (203), Dexter Fowler (207), and Gerardo Parra (209).
TOOTIN MY OWN HORN ONCE AGAIN. Dexter Fowler is a leadoff man that can go 15/15 and score 100 runs because Cubs. Gerardo Parra is now in Colorado (COoOoOoOors) and went 14/14 last year. Last but not least, your National League Rookie of the Year Vincent Velasquez. Cuz suck a dick Corey Seager. It’s possible the Phillies do the wrong thing and start him in the minors but that would be a travesty, and I know “5th starter for a terrible team in the 6th round WAY TO GO SEAN” is what some of you are thinking but some of you have never won anything in your lives. My name is all over that trophy that Mike is babysitting for this year’s champion and I say that Velasquez is a stud and shall be the Phils Opening Day starter in 2017 and shut up I win this round.
Connor: Hisashi Iwakuma (208).
Iwakuma is notttt that good but is certainly that old. Once again I feel I should maybe point out this is a dynasty league now. BUT HEY AT LEAST YOU GOT ALL YOUR CLOSERS OUT OF THE WAY. This fuckin’ guy.
—ROUND 7 (22)—
Mikey T: Jung Ho Kang (217),
Mikey T for maybe the first and last time in his entire life doesn’t disappoint me even a little bit, with this selection. Jung Ho has a chance to be a top 5 SS in this, the last year he will ever be eligible at SS. And then next year maybe he’s just a solid 3B. Mikey T will have traded him for Scott Kazmir by then.
Ryan: Brad Miller (216).
MEH. And I say this as the guy that eventually traded for Brad Miller. I like him, just maybe not quite this early. And actually I hope I’m wrong and he goes 20/20 and then I look like a goddamned genius (for the trade not for this paragraph, this paragraph has a choppy sentence structure at best).
—ROUND 8 (23)—
MOONINITEZ: Carlos Santana (223)
I am not going to point out this is a dynasty league this time, I shall instead point out this is an OBP league. Carlos Santana should not still be around this late in an OBP league, particularly with some of the 1Bs you dandelions are rostering. Fuckin’ right I just referred to you all as dainty little flowers. I would do it again too.
Cliff: Jay Bruce (230).
Jay Bruce Jay Blows. Dicks.
—ROUND 9 (24)—
Odom: Elvis Andrus (238)
Odom gets biggest winner here just for finally getting a draft selection in.
Odom: Elvis Andrus (238)
Unfortunately Odom is also the biggest loser for using his first pick of his last draft on Elvis Andrus. aka the guy who will eventually be benched so that Ian Desmond doesn’t have to dick around in the outfield anymore. Bad choice. Friends tell friends the truth.
—ROUND 10 (25)—
BIGGEST WINNER WITH A GUN TO MY HEAD:
Heroy: Jake Odorizzi (242), Denard Span (243).
This round was actually pretty visually displeasing. When Odom rants against the draft and gets all salty about it he is going to point to this round I GUARANTEE IT. But anyways Heroy takes the crown because Odorizzi just might become a nice little somethin’ somethin’ and Denard Span will once again be a useful fantasy contributor that gets dropped and added 85 times. And also gets injured. Definitely injured.
Rojo: Jurickson Profar (249).
Fuck outta here with this guy….
—ROUND 11 (26)—
Ryan: Zack Wheeler (256)
Connor also did a nice job snagging Joe Ross in this round but I am so tired of that guy and his bullshit (Connor, not Joe Ross). Ryan gets points for grabbing a possible future superstud here that he can just throw on his DL for the time being, again dynasty format folks. Also I wanted to reward him for beating Cliff to the punch on a popular Met pitcher, a feat not to be taken lightly.
ROJO YOU LOSER:
Rojo: Jorge Alfaro (252).
Fuck outta here with your catcher prospects….
—ROUND 12 (27)—
Connor: Marcus Semien (268)
Andddd this post has officially gone on for far FAR too long as I am praising Connor now. But yea, Marcus Semien is a stud and the guy Odom should have drafted two rounds ago if he wanted a shortstop so goddamn bad and the guy a lot of you should have drafted instead of other guys that you drafted. There’s numbers to back this statement up go look em up.
Me: Seung Hwan Oh (267).
So I drafted a minors-eligible mediocre holds guy and no I’m not terribly proud of it but evidently it’s against MLB policy for a guy to pop off some shots in his garage and so I have to work within the system we have created here. This move may be the steal of the draft at some point. Note: Really unlikely.
—ROUND 13 (28)—
BIGGEST WINNER I guess:
Cliff: Yasmani Grandal (270)
Cliff stays all about that late round value by grabbing Yasmani Grandal, who is a very good hitter who played pretty banged up in the second half last year and apparently nobody else had access to his medical records the way Cliff did and so he falls farther than he should have fallen. Unfortunately having at least one catcher is still mandatory in this league just so Heroy can prance around all proud of Buster Posey.
BIGGEST LOSER I guess but it’s kinda whatever at this point right?:
Odom: Yasmany Tomas (276).
IRONICALLY this was a guy Cliff took entirely too early last year, but this is this year and this year I don’t think he should have even been drafted. AGAIN I SAY IT OUT OF LOVE, but Jesus Odom when one has but a few draft picks one does not make Yasmany Tomas one of those few. Also how awesome is it that I got two Yasmani(y)s in the same round? It’s pretty awesome.
—ROUND 14 (29)—
Cliff: Curtis Granderson (287)
Lobman also did well by snaring AJ Reed here but firstly I think we can all agree fuck that guy and secondly Cliff getting Curtis Granderson all the way back here is pretty damn good value. Curtis Granderson is like the third best hitter on the Mets. You heard it here first no need to fact check.
Ryan: Javier Baez (283).
Ryan enough is e-fucking-nough with this guy. Even Javier’s own abuela (SPANISH FOR GRANDMOTHER!) doesn’t believe in him at this point, nor does she see a path to playing time.
—ROUND 15 (30)—
Brian: Jose Peraza (298)
FUN ROUND since it was like four picks and nobody was really paying attention. I believe Rojo was already napping in a hyperbaric chamber for an hour and a half at this point. Anyways Brian took a guy with a helluva lotta (or at least a little bit of) upside and nobody else did. Kudos to Brian for staying focused even whilst drowning in a sea of fantasy baseball magazines.
Odom: Jim Johnson (291).
In a way though, we all won with this selection. TRUST THE PROCESS.
And there it is. Clear and unbiased and unquestioned biggest winners and losers for all 15 rounds of our final “Backyard” draft. Tune in next time when I write something shorter maybe. Worst of luck to all of you this year. THE MOON RULEZ.