Rabbit {Paint me like one of your 19th century gothic heroines!}'s ...

TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, I would have declared last “week” to be more of the “mid-season” because we are basically working with a 12 “week” season just with most of those “weeks” being half-week horror shows. But I didn’t write this last week, probably because I didn’t want to or plan to. Also because it was Shark Week and that takes all of my focus.

But NOW, now I’ve decided a slow Monday workday means I should once again attempt to document this mess of a year for future generations. This time through the majestic beauty that is the mid-season awards. Mostly the lazy version from last year, that is. Also some “mid-season but more” Power Rankings at the bottom, we are going to fucking blink and the whole year will be over so these will likely be a one and done. Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care obviously. This is for science.

(All stats through 08/16/20 )


MOST ATTRACTIVE OWNER SISTER OR RELATIVE OR EX-GF OR SO ON OR SO FORTH:  All of them. All women are beautiful. It’s 2020 I don’t even SEE physical characteristics any more.


“FIRST HALF” ROY:  Luis Robert (LL)  –  80 ABs, 11 Rs, 6 2Bs, 3 HRs, 10 RBIs, 4 SBs, .333 OBP

This mighta gone to that REVELATION Jake Cronenworth had he been rostered for his three-baggers and/or two of his Dongs but he WASN’T and that’s the kind of hard-hitting investigation we do here at the Mid-Season Awards post. It also probably SHOULD go to Dobnak but I didn’t wanna because he’s just been lucky probs. There’s this thing called strikeouts RANDY perhaps you’ve heard of it?

honorable mention:  Randy Dobnak (‘Topes), Jake Cronenworth (‘Topes)


“FIRST HALF” ROLAIDS RELIEVER OF THE YEARLiam Hendricks (LTBS)  –  11.1 IP, 2 ER, 1 W, 17 Ks, 7 Saves, 1.59 ERA

I am NOT doing the cute shit where I give it to an RP eligible starter, and Hendriks slightly edges Britton by doubling up his Ks and having a dub.

honorable mention:  Zach Britton (Leviathans)


“FIRST HALF” IMMODIUM BEDSHITTER RELIEVER OF THE YEAR:  Craig Kimbrel (EC/Margs)  –  4.2 IP, 7 ER, 6 Ks, 2 Holds, 13.50 ERA

Craig was the Immodium award winner last year as well so we are just carrying over. To be fair to the Margs he did all of his damage on the East Coast Baseball Team, racking up 2 Holds in 3 appearances at a cost of 2 ER per appearance.

honorable mention:  Kirby Yates (BBS)



WORST NEW COMMISSIONER TYPE GROUP THING — Shane/Brian: Trying to add an extra lineup spot was bad I guess but really I’m only still disgusted with the math behind 7 starts a mini-matchup thing when the full week number used to be 12. Impeachable offense. They should have stepped down.


BEST NEW OWNER — Guy (#IWTTGAAIGWC19): Yanno by default lets everyone beat him and that is what a good first year owner should do, terrible team name aside.


WORST NEW OWNER — Guy (#IWTTGAAIGWC19): Also by default. Also because THEY HAVE YET TO WIN A MATCHUP, which is something I tend to find impressive no matter how bad a roster looks. With this one it’s mostly understandable with the LEVIATHANS that is a Herculean performance by Shane to still hold onto last place for dear life.

But oh yea while I’m at it….


WORST TEAM NAME — #IWTTGAAIGWC19:  This is the least defensible aspect of Guy’s debut, as I SPECIFICALLY requested the orange man be left out of the league’s imagery. What is the point of this blog if people don’t listen to it, I ask you. And if the McCann/Smith administration had any balls they’d ban hashtags and force a name change to something more like….


BEST TEAM NAME — East Coast:  It’s simple it’s clean it’s to the point. It’s a man with the good sense to at least be like “YANNO WHAT I can’t think of a team name right nowand I don’t want to, rather than calling myself the ‘East Coast Coronas’ or something shameful.” I assume that was roughly the thought process. Very “Washington Football Team” of them.


OWNER MOST LIKELY TO DIE BEFORE SEASON’S END— ANY ONE OF YOU. Literally any one of you can die at any moment this year. Ditto for anyone and everyone you love. That’s generally the case any year I guess but in 2020 that is EXTRA THE CASE so it would be wrong to try and flip the coin here to decide whom is most susceptible to covid-19 (between Brian and Rojo though).


“FIRST HALF” LVP (Pitcher):  Matthew Boyd (LL)  –  19.1 IP, 22 ER, 18 Ks, 10.24 ERA

LAWD this man has been getting rocked. A nice dash of Tigers Homerism out of Shane to keep him on the roster, realllly not letting go of last place without a fight.

honorable mention:  Madison Bumgarner (RRF)


“FIRST HALF” MVP (Pitcher)Shane Bieber (OGFC)  –  34.2 IP, 5 ER, 5 QS, 4 Ws, 54 Ks, 1.30 ERA

In a year where most pitchers don’t even bother going the distance to be eligible for a win LET ALONE throwing a QS, Bieber having 5 here is a real sight to behold. Dylan Bundy having 4 is a surprise to say the least and Freeland having 4 (3 at home) is more SHOCKING than anything (with 4.56 K/9, no less) but this category wasn’t “most shocking ‘first half’ (pitcher)” now was it.

honorable mention:  Kyle Freeland (‘Topes), Dylan Bundy (EC), Trevor Bauer (BBS)


“FIRST HALF” LVP (Hitter)Scott Kingery (#IWTTGAAIGWC19)  –  47 ABs, 2 Rs, 1 RBIs, .180 OBP

There are some uglyyyyyy seasons all over the place out there but nobody has done absolutely nothing over more ABs than this man. Impressive in a way.

honorable mention:  Dee Gordon (#IWTTGAAIGWC19), anyone other than Edwin Encarnacion


“FIRST HALF” MVP (Hitter)Fernando Tatis Jr. (LTBS)  –  90 ABs, 20 Rs, 13 2Bs, 1 3B, 20 HRs, 52 RBIs, 7 SBs, .462 OBP

This is the only man I ever regret trading tbh, in alllll my years of fantasy, cuz that hair is so FUN and I think him and Tim Anderson would have been best buds and just yea. Who knows how much of this can be ~kept up~ but just an unfortunate situation regardless.

honorable mention:  Mike Yastrzemski (LTBS), Brandon Lowe (LTBS)







1.)  Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz (5-1-1)
       Preseason Rank:  1 (#3 at end of year though :))

The beauty of this season is either this team doesn’t win the title, in which case I declare the season totally valid, or they DO win the title in which case I declare the season a fraud. A lot of people had to die to keep Doch from truly being able to win three years in a row but here we are. Their sacrifices are appreciated. So the BAD NEWS is they lead in every offensive category except steals. That’s probably the bad news. And the most concerning aspect of the year thus far is the fact that the ButtSliderz have the top 3 league “MVP” candidates and two of them are relative schmucks. If you’re looking for better news I guess it’s uhhh idk Verlander injury? Bellinger has been shitty? They have the second fewest wins and second-worst ERA? I’m going to thank Robbie Ray for those sorts of things and just avoid talking about all of the pitchers they have outside of those guys that are actually pitching fairly well and just MOVE ON.

     League-leading Cats:  6 (Rs, 2Bs, 3Bs, HRs, RBIs, OBP)

League-worst Cats:  0


First Half” Team MVP:  Fernando Tatis Jr. (83 ABs, 16 Rs, 5 2Bs, 1 3B, 9 HRs, 21 RBIs, 5 SBs, .382 OBP)

First Half” Team LVP:  Ozzie Albies (44 ABs, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 6 RBIs, .196 OBP)


2.)  River City Fightin’ Margs (5-1-1)
       Preseason Rank:  5

I’m confused by it, I TRULY AM. I s’pose what we are seeing here is some confluence of Matt Olson & Xander Bogaerts being good, Machado rebounding, Harper being more productive across 55 ABs than a lot of guys are off 85, etc. have the Margs right back in the mix of things one year after missing the playoffs. Of course nobody misses the “playoffs” this year but BESIDES THE POINT. The point is this team would have been #1 in the rankings had they beaten the ButtSliderz last week but they didn’t (they tied) and I did the rankings a week late and here we are. The pitching has been a bit of a mixed bag but MOSTLY most of the young guys have been pitching well enough (May, Burnes, Cease, Woodruff, etc.). McCullers makes me sad 😦

     League-leading Cats:  0

League-worst Cats:  0


First Half” Team MVP:  Bryce Harper (55 ABs, 17 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 3B, 4 HRs, 12 RBIs, 3 SBs, .493 OBP)

First Half” Team LVP:  Sean Manaea (20 IP, 17 ER, 18 Ks, 7.65 ERA)


3.)  EAST COAST (6-1)
       Preseason Rank:  3 (#1 EOY)

This is the team I picked to win the wholeee shebang when it’s all said and done so I guess it’s good they currently own the best record. That’s good I guess. They also currently have been getting good results out of their starting pitching (particularly Bundy, Gray, Kershaw, Carrasco) while simultaneously having to deal with injured starting pitchers and WHAT ELSE IS NEW there. For them. They’ve been dealing with that for a decade probably. Bats-wise Yelich has been so-so SO it’s been the likes of Realmuto, Rendon, and the beloved (by me, at least) Nelson Cruz that have been carrying the bats. ODDLY Dylan Bundy has been their best pitcher. Feels like that should be noted as many times as possible.

     League-leading Cats:  1 (Ws)

League-worst Cats:  1 (SBs)


First Half” Team MVP:  Nelson Cruz (79 ABs, 16 Rs, 4 2Bs, 6 HRs, 21 RBIs, .416 OBP)

First Half” Team LVP:  Amed Rosario (66 ABs, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, .197 OBP)


       Preseason Rank:  2 (#3 EOY)

Typical Fishing Club just sorta hannnnnging around for the same reasons they always sort of hang around (Trout/Betts). Probably to be ultimately undone for the same reasons they’re always ultimately undone (Greg/Greggers). Trea Turner doesn’t have a SB so that’s weird and Tyler Glasnow has struggled a bit but OTHERWISE it should mostly feel like business as usual for this team. Of course they have enough big pieces to be dangerous in any playoffs matchup, but lets see which matchups they draw. I say.

     League-leading Cats:  2 (QS, ERA)

League-worst Cats:  1 (3Bs)


First Half” Team MVP:  Shane Bieber (34.2 IP, 5 ER, 5 QS, 4 Ws, 54 Ks, 1.30 ERA)

First Half” Team LVP:  Francisco Mejia (38 ABs, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 1 HR, 2 RBIs, .146 OBP)



       Preseason Rank:  6

The Slugs are more or less where I expected them to be by now, which is in position to be absolutely devastated by a Bo Bichette Jr. injury. That one is SAD and might be significant, but in the mean time they’re getting another really really good season out of Trevor Story and Whit Merrifield has been his usual v. valuable self and they’ve been getting Decent Dong Production (DDP) in lots of spots. So they should be pleased with that. Pitching here has run the gamet from really really good (Bauer, Lynn, Montas) to okay (Scherzer, Senzatela) to sorta bad (Gray, Gausman). Check back in two or three weeks and see what the ratios are there. And send Brian a card about Bo WOULDJYA.

     League-leading Cats:  2 (SBs, CGs)

League-worst Cats:  0


First Half” Team MVP:  Trevor Story (86 ABs, 20 Rs, 5 2Bs, 1 3B, 6 HRs, 14 RBIs, 4 SBs, .396 OBP)

First Half” Team LVP:  Eugenio Suarez (65 ABs, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .278 OBP)



       Preseason Rank:  7

AS PREDICTED the ‘Topes are getting a bit ravaged by disease injuries, and yet they trudge on. This team might be one that could really benefit from a bye week in the “opening round” so it’s a shame they’re not currently in a position to do that. Don’t let the #6 ranking fool you. That’s just here because injuries and all they’re still putting up pretty strong offensive numbers, thanks to their Yanks (DJ/Judge *both currently injured*) Rox (‘Nado/Blackmon) and such. WEIRDLY their Rox (Freeland/Marquez) are also two of the few promising parts of their pitching persons. I THINK the Rockies are just playing really well right now, is the thing. Far better than the ‘Topes are. Let’s check back in with these dipshits in a few weeks as well and see how the health is.

     League-leading Cats:  1 (Holds)

League-worst Cats:  0


First Half” Team MVP:  Nelson Cruz (79 ABs, 16 Rs, 4 2Bs, 6 HRs, 21 RBIs, .416 OBP)

First Half” Team LVP:  Ozzie Albies (44 ABs, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 6 RBIs, .196 OBP)



       Preseason Rank:  4

I am appreciative of Nicholas Castellanos and Dinelson Lamet and Rockies Mgmt. (for finally unleashing Garrett Hampson), and appreciative of very little else. Nearly nothing else.

     League-leading Cats:  0

League-worst Cats:  0


First Half” Team MVP:  Nick Castellanos (75 ABs, 15 Rs, 5 2Bs, 1 3B, 89 HRs, 1 RBIs, .353 OBP)

First Half” Team LVP:  Edwin Encarnacion 😦 (47 ABs, 5 Rs, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs, .184 OBP)



       Preseason Rank:  8

Never great to have the lowest OBP in an OBP league (thanks A LOT Elvis Andrus and Mitch Garver) but it isn’t all bad for the Renegade Force O, they’ve gotten some okay production out of a few fellas. WHICH fellas you ask? Marcell Ozuna and Joey Gallo. That’s basically been it. They’ve looked far better on the pitching side but it’s been a real bitter struggle between guys that are trying to be good (Darvish, Urias, Alec Mills) and guys that are trying to be bad (Bumgarner, Cueto, Morton) fighting for the soul of the team. Might not matter if the offense remains so fucking BLEH (109 total runs scored) but just the fact that Rojo remains in the league is a real treasure. Every day is a blessing people.

     League-leading Cats:  0

League-worst Cats:  1 (OBP)


First Half” Team MVP:  Yu Darvish (29 IP, 5 ER, 3 QS, 3 Ws, 27 Ks, 1.88 ERA)

First Half” Team LVP:  Madison Bumgarner (17.1 IP, 18 ER, 13 Ks, 9.35 ERA)



       Preseason Rank:  10

My Manager of the Year vote has to probably go to Shane here; this guy REALLY stepped up this half-“season.” Saw a hotshot new guy come in that was making eyes at his last place perch and he has risen to the occasion, to make sure he too would not win a matchup for the entire first half. I am impressed. If you’re looking for positives on this team I guess it’s that Luis Robert has been good enough and Starling Marte has been good enough (but not Merrifield/Vladito good) and Max Fried and Framber Valdez have been very solid. If you’re looking for whom to thank for the record I guess you need to start with Matthew Boyd and then I don’t really know who else. Just a gutsy gritty performance from Shane this season, is all it is.

     League-leading Cats:  1 (Saves)

League-worst Cats:  1 (ERA)


First Half” Team MVP:  Max Fried (29 IP, 4 ER, 3 QS, 3 Ws, 28 Ks, 1.24 ERA)

First Half” Team LVP:  Matthew Boyd (19.1 IP, 22 ER, 18 Ks, 10.24 ERA)



10.)  #IWTTGAAIGWC19 (0-7)
       Preseason Rank:  9

We are giving these guys a pass this year I S’POSE and it is one that is sorely needed, as they have Cliff-ian team #s right now. So Cliff-ian I’m not going to dignify them with a discussion, but YEA the holes on the roster remain wideeeeee open. So very wide open. At least Jose Ramirez has looked good again.

     League-leading Cats:  0

League-worst Cats:  8 (Rs, 2Bs, HRs, RBIs, QS, Ws, Ks, Holds)


First Half” Team MVP:  Jose Ramirez (83 ABs, 16 Rs, 5 2Bs, 1 3B, 5 HRs, 18 RBIs, 3 SBs, .371 OBP)

First Half” Team LVP:  Scott Kingery (47 ABs, 2 Rs, 1 RBIs, .180 OBP)



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