I HAVE NO INTRO, so here look at this…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#8 Rojo’s Renegade Force

2019 RECORD:  7-10-1

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  5-6, 8th place (0-1 Playoffs). If there’s anyone that’s susceptible to just sort of forgetting that we are actually attempting a season in this THICK SOUP OF A VIVID NIGHTMARE OF A YEAR, it is Rojo. I’m not even entirely sure whom is on his team so this is mostly based on my wariness about the man himself.

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS:  You know what the cupboard isn’t bare, but there’s also no way for me to make an “Indian in the Cupboard” reference here because there’s no Cleveland representation. But if I could have done that I would have been like “MAN am I fucking good at this or what?!” But I couldn’t so I’m not. N E wayz there’s some decent bats here, which makes sense as I seem to remember this team near the Backyard Hitting Leaderboards at the end of last year (which will burn to the ground if we don’t remove the extra bat before OD….ahem). Rojo is the sort of Yankee fan that can make peace with rostering Rafael Devers so that’s fucking disgusting. Definitely the most heinous roster issue that’s ever sprung up from this team and its ownership. Uhhh some other guys that are less heinous for him to roster include George Springer (except cheater TELL ‘EM T) and Joey Gallo and MITCH GARVER seems like a fine hitter out of the all-annoying catcher spot. Baseball should replace both catchers and umpires with robots.

So yea there’s good bats and there’s Charlie Morton and maybe Yu Darvish and maybe whatever’s left of Corey Kluber (and of Paul Goldschmidt for that matter, he of his 34 HR down years, but we are done covering hitters). THERE’S GOOD PLAYERS OKAY. I just don’t trust the ship to have rudders at all of the times it needs to have those things. I’m no sailor but have you SEEN the way Rojo has been letting his hair and beard go? Doesn’t inspire confidence from shareholders.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  CF/OF Victor Robles – This feels a lot like the Luis Robert pick from yesterday but I swear I’m not going to just keep going with young speedsters (at least I don’t think so) but also I’m not just gonna fucking be like “GOLDSCHMIDT WILL PROBABLY BE GOOD.” Where’s the joy in that, I ask you. So yea Robles. This cat actually amassed solid stats last season, and it feels like Rojo has owned him forever, and yes AGAIN I think this might be another one of those guys that really shines in the short stint. “Fantasy analysts” shall spend all of next February trying to decide how high he should be drafted, and wherever they decide will probably be too high. But we are off topic, HE IS GONNA STEAL BASES AND THAT’S ALL I AM LOOKING AT THIS YEAR.

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  2B Jason Kipnis – No WAY this guy ain’t cooked, right? He’s gotta be fucking cooked. You’re telling me Brian Dozier the Bulldog Gawd can’t find a job in baseball but this dipshit is going to get some NL DH ABs for the Cubbies? Fuck that. Find a better fucking second basemen, ‘Gades. Putting him in the actual 2B slot should feel embarrassing.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  SP Kenta Maeda – The thing about dancing with mid-rotation Dodgers arms is they just loveeeee pulling some of those arms out of the fucking game they’re cruising through at like 60 & 70 & 80 pitches, with no regard for strikeouts or nastiness or cruising. I have watched Maeda cruise on my behalf, SEVERAL TIMES,only to be pulled by Dave Roberts shy of the 6th, shy of the 5th, often shy of 90 pitches. So fuck Dave Roberts with a spiky one. Rocco Baldelli, however, great man. SO what’s important here is I don’t think it’s crazy to think Rocco might not have the samequick hook for Kenta (unless he does….. see Jake Odorizzi). But I meannnn it’s a short season, Maeda isn’t some young arm they’re protecting, Minnesota is very clearly a very racist state. Let the chink throw I say.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM:  SP Madison Bumgarner – I just do nawtttttt see Arizona going particularly well for Mr. MadBum. That park plays up for Dongs and MadBum’s dong rate was up last year, San Fran was obviously a pitcher’s park but his road ERA last year you ask?  5.29. So when I say “nawt particularly well” I mean ERA over 4.5 nawt particularly well. And he’ll be all salty about some hitter watching a Dong for too long and it’s what he deserves, truly. I’m far more interested in what that nervous Ford salesman fellow is up to these days to be honest. REMEMBER THAT GUY?

 

 

 

 

 

 

#9 Astoria Isotopes

2019 RECORD:  8-10

PROJECTED 2020 RECORD:  5-5-1, 7th place (1-1 Playoffs).  The ‘Topes feel like the team poised to get most battered by VIRUS this season cuz why not. If we all were to contract coronavirus and I had to place bets on who survives it Mikey T’s slender frame would have him somewhere near the top of list. After Rojo of course. And Brian. And maybe Shane. YOU’VE GIVEN UP TOO MUCH OF YOUR LIFE FORCE SHANE (sperm). 

SHORT SQUAD SYNOPSIS: Only two years removed from NOT SHOWING UP in the BCS, this team is yanno….still here. Still relying on power, at least PROJECTED power, with 11 guys projected for DoubDigDongs© and I dunno that’s maybe the most in the league? Maybe tied for the most in the league? I’m not gonna mail this shit in and then go and check that. They also have Sam Hilliard, whom I LOVE, hanging in there in the minors projected for 9 Dongs. Which sounds doable. Other doable Fantrax HR projections:  Moustakas, ‘Nado, Judge if he stays healthy (big if), Khris Davis if he stays healthy. Non-doable Fantrax HR projections:  Matt Olson (meh), Joc (see below), Judge (won’t stay healthy), Eduardo Escobar (NOT BUYIN IT EDDIE). So there you have it there’s the bats.

Starting to wish I spent more time expounding upon the bats cuz these arms GAH. Let’s just do some Nahs (shoutout to Nas) and then maybe some Yeahs. NAH:  Minor, Marquez, Hamels, Hudson, these men ALL suck. Sadly even Dellin Betances sucks now (ve-lo is gone-o). So really this ENTIRE pitching staff makes me sad, what the fuck happened here (aside from the Sale tragedy 🙂 )? I don’t even have any Yeahs. I kinda like Randy Dobnak a little, I guess. JUST A SMIDGE though nothing crazy. Wouldn’t date em.

 

SHORT SEASON STUD BAT:  RF/OF Franmil Reyes –Franmil is a large man and he hits the ball VERY hard and back in March he was like 12-27 with 5 Dongs. Now does that matter now, no. But does the fact that he dropped 18 pounds in the offseason and still kept mashing those Dongs and doesn’t have to play the field ever again if the Indians so choose matter? YES. Yes it matters. This is precisely the sorta fella that could start this abbreviated season hot and end up the MLB leader in HRs. In fact maybe I’m even predicting that (only will reference this if it actually happens, obviously).

SHORT SEASON DUD BAT:  1B/LF/RF/OF Joc Pederson – Not that I think they’re relying on Joc per se but a platoon bat in a shortened season PITUH…PITUH *spitting on the floor*…. pituh. Joc is also the sorta guy that might bat .100 for a few weeks even against righties and then uhhh he’s out of a job. He just has such a dumb face that I feel like he’s too aloof to get motivated by the fact that the Dodgers basically traded him already.

SHORT SEASON STUD ARM:  German Marquez – SIMILAR THEME here which I love but PLATOON ARM IN A SHORTENED SEAON PUHH PITUH PUHHH. Coors Field is undefeated and Marquez had a 6.26 ERA there last year so uhhh….I mean he’s getting that OD start on the road. Got that going for him. But yea rostering zee German this year is rough. T’s gonna stand by his man though, I AM SURE.  

SHORT SEASON DUD ARM: German Marquez – SIMILAR THEME here to the dud bat which I love, PLATOON ARM IN A SHORTENED SEAON PUHH PITUH PUHHH. Coors Field is undefeated and Marquez had a 6.26 ERA there last year so uhhh….I mean he’s getting that OD start on the road. Got that going for him. But yea rostering zee German this year is rough. T’s gonna stand by his man though, I AM SURE.

 

 

 

TWO DOWWWNNNN. I’m really hitting my creative writing stride, go back up and look at the “Indian in the Cupboard” reference again. And I mean REALLY…..look at it.

 

now look at this: