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WEEK TWOOOOOO. In the books.  On the negative side of things I’m already reminded how much I hate April. Everyone discussing players performances both good and bad when I just wanna wait for like 100 goddamned at bats or 50 goddamned innings before we all start going nuts (even then it will be unfortunate). But HEY I’m handing out MVPs and LVPs based on weekly samples so I am no hero. And on the positive side of things look how gotdamned adorable that little sign language girl is above? She’s lovely. And the bullshit she’s referring to are April #s. LETS DIG INTO SOME APRIL NUMBERS…






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HEROY And His Dumb Goddamned Team Names Absolutely Mollywhop Cliff’s Rojo’s Renegade Force  –  10-1-3


MVP:  Austin Meadows  –  I absolutely KNEW Meadows was gonna pwn for the Rays this year so I should have tried to acquire him in the offseason because Heroy probably didn’t know like I knew. So yea, I am declaring his hot start for real and quality data worth pointing out, but his and only his.  12/22, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 4 HRs, 12 RBIs, .630 OBP (THAT FEELS REALLY HIGH)    ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP:  Rojo   Nine starts in a win and I confuse you with Ryan. Nine starts in a loss and I confuse you with Cliff. DO BETTER.  JUST DO BETTER OKAY





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  I R L Marcell Ozuna made an absolute ass of himself going for that off the wall spring back catch thing but I F W (In Fantasy World) he had 4 dongs and that’s nice for him and for RRF (7/19, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 4 HRs, 8 RBIs, 1 SB, .400 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  I dunno the entire team with its dumb fucking name had a real fine week so maybe it’s rude of me to harp on Rojo’s FAILURES but this part is about a Heroy guy’s failures so uhhh, Luris Urias isn’t the next Altuve I lied (1/11, 1 2B, .091 OBP).


Key To Matchup:  TAKE YOUR PICK. The Heroy squad took 5 cats on both sides of the ball, I guess they more THOROUGHLY outpitched the RRF (with 10 starts to the Force’s 9) but they also managed like 15 more RBIs despite equal HRs so yanno. Sometimes that’s how the ball bounces and you think the ball is going over the fence so you try and jump off the wall but then it is falling short of the fence so you try to spring off the wall to catch it and in the end you’re just lucky you didn’t break your face.


What’s Next (Week 3):  HEROY @ ECK (1-1 @ 0-2)

RRF @ LL (1-1 @ 2-0)





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Lakehurst Leviathans TWO AND ZERO ONCE AGAIN, Barnegat Banana Slugs ZERO AND TWO Which Is Also Fun I Guess  –  6-3-5 (weird score ya weirdos)


MVP:  Mitch Haniger  –  FIRSTLY DO NOT LOOK AT THE GIF SCROLL PAST THE GIF. Particularly if you are Rojo, worried I’m gonna kill Rojo. Secondly HEY nice work Mitch, your Leviathans lapped the Slugs in Runs by like 21 and you contributed 9 of those so take a bow ya fuck (HOW BOUT THAT Ms O).  9/27, 9 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, .345 OBP     

LVP:  Ender Inciarte  ENDER, BUT I HARDLY EVEN KNOW HER?! sorry.  2/17, 1 SB, .167 OBP    





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  Hey I mean Eddie Rosario did just fine (7/16, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .471 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Shane’s inaugural season should inspire the modesty here but SHOULD THAT FAIL uhhh I dunno Michael Wacha got lit up I guess and he’s a Leviathan regular and also his ERA can remind Shane of his last two seasons so yea (3.2 IP, 7 ER, 3 Ks, 17.18 ERA).


Key To Matchup:  BATS. The Leviathans won 5 hitting categories and tied the two they couldn’t win (3Bs and HRs) and that was 5 of your 6 cat wins right there. I dunno I think it’s a nice ADVANTAGE when you have a catcher that can hit like Yasmani Grandal (.600 OBP, 5 Rs, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs) can, he’s currently the #1 rated catcher in our league I think I traded him to Shane for Dan Vogelbach WHOM IS ALSO GOOD NOW. But yea Leviathans nice offensive week, Slugs O was a wee flat for the 2nd week in a row (33 Rs, fewest in league once again). COST EM.


What’s Next (Week 3):  LL v. RRF (2-0 v. 1-1)

BBS @ IBB (0-2 @ 2-0)





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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz T….. (wait I’m not supposed to discuss this matchup and I’m going to take the opportunity not to because lazy)  –  7-5-2





JROLLs:  Ronald Acuna Jr. (1, LTBS) ; Elvis Andrus (1, ECK)  (JROLLs ENDURE)









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Island Beach Bears Squeak Past Astoria Isotopes Via Slightly Less Shitty ERA  –  7-6-1


MVP:  Jose Altuve –  I think it’s RATHER FUCKING RUDE how Altuve was clearly dealing with injuries all year last year (he had a lil HBP on the top of the foot that seemed to cause some issues even before the knee) and yet folks this offseason acted like he was totally finished. I AM SURE he remains plenty good. Will have to see where the SBs end up at end of year and I have other concerns BUT it’s April and therefore I will both ignore those and not ignore the HRs and say he’s still the best 2B in fantasy folks.  10/25, 8 Rs, 6 HRs, 10 RBIs, .407 OBP     

LVP:  Kyle Freeland   Really wanted to give this to Sale but Freeland gave up a run an inning over TWO starts and provided no QS or Ws and I DUNNO this is an inexact science. The Bears won by giving up 48 ER in 75 innings and the ‘Topes lost by giving up 49 in 75.2 so TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT KYLE.  10 IP, 10 ER, 8 Ks, 9.00 ERA    ***LVP OF THE WEEK***





Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 —  My main man Khris Davis aka Khrush Davis did his best (9/27, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 5 HRs, 10 RBIs, .333 OBP).


Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty :/ —  Eat a dick Adrian Sampson I DIDN’T WANT YOU (4 IP, 7 ER, 4 Ks, 15.75 ERA).


Key To Matchup:  SUNDAY.  I mean I did in fact have the most dongs/RBIs in Week 2 and we DID have a pretty solid lead going prior to the weekend but that allll started evaporating, and it was a coin flip on Sunday. And had I lost I would be blaming the Angels rainout that forced the Bears to stream Adrian Fucking Sampson but I WON and that’s because despite Sampson’s Stinker and German MarquezSunday CG gem we were able to hold onto a slim and hideous ERA victory (5.76 over 5.83).


What’s Next (Week 3):  IBB v. BBS (2-0 v. 0-2)

‘Topes @ Bad Dudes (0-2 @ 1-0-1)












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River City Bad Dudes & Pacific Beach X-Rayz Kiss Their Sisters And I Know I’ve Kissed One Of Them And I Assume Like Rojo Or Someone Has Kissed The Other  –  6-6-2

(It’s occurring to me this format somewhat withers (and always has) under a tie scenario so SINCE this is a BBOTW tie let’s do it this way, but I may figure out a way to address ties next time or hell I may not who gives a shit…)

MVP:  Julio Teheran  –  I mean PLENTY of things happened in this matchup I’m sure, as does all matchups, but a thing on Sunday that grabbed the Bad Dudes a tie was suck-ass Teheran throwing a QS so CONGRATS TO YOU JULIO!  6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.50 ERA     

LVP:  Jose Ramirez    The X-Rayz did perfectly fine on the batting cats (won 4 outta 7) but still need to point out Jose Ramirez what the fuck are you DOING this season? You’ve been terrible, Jose.  2/26 IP, 1 R, 1 2B, .111 OBP 





Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Jose Abreu both kinda sucked and also stole two bases and kinda didn’t, GO FIGURE (2/22, 2 Rs, 1 2B, 1 RBI, 2 SBs, .160 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Carlos Rodon was shit in one start and good in another and even in the shit start he struck out 9 and the Bad Dudes won Ks by 2 so this was important he is of note (10.2 IP, 6 ER, 14 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 5.06 ERA).


X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  50 total RBIs is a damned fine RBI total and Dansby Swanson somehow contributed NINE of them on FOUR hits, I cannot figure out the math there (4/20, 2 Rs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 9 RBIs, 1 SB, .261 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Blake Snell is the reason the Dudes needed every one of those Rodon Ks, Blake Snell is good (12 IP, 1 ER, 20 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.75 ERA).




THIS ONE WAS REALLY CLOSE. Which is what I can always get away with saying in a tie I guess, so I am saying it here. X-Rayz took the hitting cats 4-3 (+1 Rs, +4 RBIs) while the Dudes took the pitching cats 3-2-2 (+2 Ks, +1 Save, +2 Ws) but justtttt failed to get there in ERA (X-Rayz take it 3.83 to 3.89). Both teams QS’d in precisely half their starts, the X-Rayz utilized their “very few bats worth keeping” strategy to grab like 47 more ABs than their opponent, and WHEN THE DUST SETTLED we have a tie. What more can I say here really? Uhhh Josh James did the Dudes a real disservice by giving up 4 ER without getting an out. I will say…..that.

Week 3 will see the Bad Dudes hosting the Astoria ‘Topes in that ALWAYS ENTERTAINING matchup, expect some light banter this weekend folks. As for the X-Rayz they are taking on the defending champs and they haven’t lost yet this season and WHO CAN BE SURE if I can say more right now or if I will say more next week (I probably will I was just being lazy this particular time).

What’s Next (Week 3):  Dudes v. ‘Topes (1-0-1 v. 0-2)

X-Rayz @ LTBS (0-1-1 @ 2-0)






This concludes Week Two Review. Thank you for tuning in for Week Two Review, be sure to privately message me my fuckups OR allude to them in the chat with some really dogshit attempt at “humor” (HEROY) OR ignore them and move on with your lives and I will notice them some other time and quietly update this post. Lotta options. Week 3 of 18 (and then the BYB), GOD FANTASY BASEBALL TAKES FOREVS……


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