TWENTY-NINETEEEEEEEEN. On the positive side of things we are perhaps a mere twenty-something weeks from @Doch no longer being champion. That’s positive. On the unfortunate side of things I will need to crank out yanno AT LEAST one of these before tossing in the towel, and WordPress has this really annoying new format that I don’t feel like figuring out right now, and so on and so forth. LET’S SEE IF WE CAN’T STREAMLINE A BIT MORE HUH (I do not give a shit about your key pitching performances)?
Island Beach Bears (YOU HEARD ME) Reluctantly Beat Pacific Beach X-Rayz Because They Respect Them Too Much Not To Try To Do Just That – 10-2-2
MVP: Rhys Hoskins – Bears Ownership (me) was on hand for two separate Phillies games in the extended Week 1, and Rhys dinged dongs in both, but ownership didn’t actually catch either dong with their own eyeballs. Who can pay attention at these goddamned things. 9/26, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 HRs, 13 RBIs, .514 OBP
LVP: Kole Calhoun– The whole streaming bats thing may challenge THIS BLOG all year as I’m unsure how many ABs one must log in a week (in an extended week in this case) in order to be called out for sucking. Surely it will cause this many problems or more for the franchises attempting it. But yea fuck it I’ll give it to Calhoun dong be damned. 2/19, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI, .150 OBP
JROLLs: Jonathan Villar (1, IBB) ; Kolten Wong (1, PLX)
Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 — We are going to try and UPLIFT in 2019, not all doom and gloom when you lose a matchup (for example, none of this [or anything] really matters). So with that in mind let’s start that off by noting not all doom and gloom for the X-Rayz either. Chris Archer looked pretty solid across two starts for the ‘Rayz (not sure that works), which would be a welcome sight for PB after an up and down 2018 that culminated in a 4.31 ERA (6.61 Mar/April, 2.33 May, 6.45 Aug., 2.70 Sept./Oct.) (11 IP, 3 ER, 13 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 2.45 ERA).
Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty 
— Garret Hampson came out and just plain suckedddddd, pre-season hype (written by me BUT ALSO BY OTHERS) be damned (0/14, .000 OBP).
Key To Matchup: LATE MATCHUP DONGS/SOLID PITCHING. The Bears offense started out slowly but 12 HRs over the last 3 days, aided by 3 in one game from Gary Sanchez (6 total), helped them run away with things in the Rs and HRs (and I guess OBP) cats (puns about Runs and how the X-Rayz run a lot very much intended). Also the Bears won the pitching cats 6-0-1.
What’s Next (Week 2): Bears @ ‘Topes (1-0 @ 0-1),
X*Rayz v. Bad Dudes (0-1 v. 1-0)
Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Begin A Quest For The Ever Elusive Back To Back Chips With Easy Defeat Of Whatever Dumb Fucking Name Heroy’s Team Chose To Go By – 8-4-2
MVP: Cody Bellinger – Jesus fuckin’ Christmas Cody Bellinger. Not a great start to the first full year of Life Without Cody, even though I never owned him a full year. But this isn’t about me. But yea FOR FUCKS SAKE MAN hot start/likely 2019’s most ridiculous JROLL, small nod to the extended week but impressive nonetheless. 20/44, 17 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 7 HRs, 18 RBIs, 1 RBI .514 OBP, 1 JROLL ***MVP OF THE WEEK***
LVP: Willy Adames– Not the hottest of starts for Willy, a player this team has NO DOUBT vastly overrated if anyone’s asked about him in trade talks. Not that I really suspect anyone’s asked about him in trade talks. I swear I am not implying I did I DIDN’T. 1/20, .050 OBP ***LVP OF THE WEEK***
JROLLs: Cody Bellinger (1, LTBS)
Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 — Look I know this is supposed to be #uplifting the losers but I don’t want to sugarcoat this one, as this is something I’ve already expressed in person: GREG YOU AREN’T WITTY ENOUGH TO KEEP CHANGING TEAM NAMES BASED ON MATCHUPS. Lets just not, there, shall we. Also Butt Pirates offends me as a man that wishes he was gay. Also it offends Mikey T. ANYWAYZ Mike Trout remains really good so uh sigh of relief there I guess, perhaps go back to a Trout-based team name for the good of us all (11/28, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 5 HRs, 12 RBIs, 1 SB, .581 OBP).
Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty — Uhh I dunno Walker Buehler looked fairly pedestrian across two starts, take THAT Doch (8 IP, 6 ER, 4 Ks, 1 W 6.75 ERA).
Key To Matchup: BATS. The BDSliderz O was reallllly humming (.387 team OBP) behind Belly and like Domingo Santana (4 HRs, 15 RBIs, 3 SBs) and shit, which ya just hate to see. Really no main contributor had a week I could have thrown in the Fuckup category up there. Heroy’s team/ownership on the other hand FULL of fuckups like Adames and Dozier (2/25) and Eloy Jimenez (0/18) and Heroy (fill this in however you’d like).
What’s Next (Week 2): LTBS v. Kings (1-0 v. 0-1),
HEROY @ RRF (0-1 @ 1-0)
Rojo’s Renegade Force SALT THE SLUGS FORREAL THEY USED CHARLIE MORTON AGAINST THE BARNEGAT BANANA SLUGS AND EMERGED VICTORIOUS – 7-5-2
MVP: Charlie Morton Joey Gallo – Not only did Joey Gallo do his usual thing of drawing walks and hitting dongs and stuff, he also grabbed a teammate’s dong in an outright rejection of Heroy’s hateful team names (see above). And maybe Doch’s. Haven’t decided if I’m going to call Doch a homophobe this season or not (no I probably am). #LoveIsLove. 6/25, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 9 RBIs, .441 OBP
LVP: Ramon Laureano – For those keeping in track that’s uhhh AT LEAST 0 for 2 on guys I highlighted in team previews that came out and S’d a D. Yanno not that there is anything wrong with that. 2/17, .118 OBP
JROLLs: Ender Inciarte (1, BBS) ; Whit Merrifield (1, BBS)
Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 — Not all doom and gloom for the Banana Slugs (definitely some doom and gloom) as Whit Merrifield continues to look EVERY BIT a guy that’s better than Starling Marte that didn’t need to have the best prospect in baseball tossed in with him in order to faciliate a trade for said Starling Marte (fuck you Shane) (11/34, 9 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, 3 SBs, .361 OBP, 1 JROLL).
Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty — Honestly this is a pretty productive 1/20 and Rojo will definitely not keep a catcher for any considerable length of time but he still gave Yadi 20 ABs and he only got a hit in one of em so YEA Yadier Molina (1/20, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI, .174 OBP).
Key To Matchup: BANANA SLUG BAT INEPTITUDE. Not even gonna break this bad boy down to the individual level but the facts in this case remain and those facts are: 58 Runs, 14 2Bs, 10 HRs, 49 RBIs, .302 OBP. Those were the team numbers for the Slugz batz and all were worst in the Backyard in Week One (Runs they tied with Ocean Gate). And yea, the Renegade Force was better than that and stuff so they won and stuff.
What’s Next (Week 2): RRF v. HEROY (1-0 v. 0-1),
BBS v. LL (0-1 v. 1-0)
River City Bad Dudes Outlast East Coast Kings Because Their Pitching Was Bad, Dude (i am so sorry) – 7-5-2
MVP: Pete Alonso – Nice lil debut for this guy, and no I’m not putting him up here because Lobman told me to boost his trade value or something. He just hit a lot of doubles and the Bad Dudes won doubles, is all. 13/34, 6 Rs, 6 2Bs, 3 HRs, 11 RBIs, .432 OBP
LVP: Eduardo Rodriguez – I’ll shit on a Red Sawk any chance I get and that’s one thing people might not know about me (no they know), so fuck Eduardo Rodriguez and fuck Ben Affleck and fuck the Patriots and fuck “by CHLOE. Fenway” and fuck Bill Simmons and fuck Barstool and fuck you (I’ve left out Matt Damon here and that is deliberate, the Bourne franchise [not counting the Jeremy Renner one {and probably the last one}] is a treasure). 8 IP, 11 ER, 7 Ks, 12.38 ERA
Key Performer, For LOSER, to inspire HOPE 🙂 — Welp Christian Yelich is off to a pretty good start if he’s aiming to do the whole “Improve Upon MVP Season” thing (13/36, 11 Rs, 4 2Bs, 5 HRs, 13 RBIs, 1 SB, .489 OBP).
Key Fuckup, For VICTOR, to inspire modesty — Welp Giancarlo Stanton is back to being a (sometimes freak) injury-prone piece of GARBAGE, expect setbacks Dudes fan(s) (2/8, 1 R, .600 OBP).
Key To Matchup: DISAPPOINTING ACES. I could talk about the Dudes but they talk about themselves enough. The KINGS however, let’s discuss them. Offense actually looked pretty good in the extended week buttttt piss poor starts from alotta #1s or former #1s. Watching Kershaw fade here is like watching someone pass from bone cancer so HE WAS OUT, Paxton was meh Carrasco sub-meh Syndergaard MEH. All three racked up a lot of Ks but to the credit of the Bad Dudes they needed to do more than that and they failed to. Berrios looked great though (20.2 IP, 5 ER, 21 Ks, 3 QS, 1 W, 2.18 ERA).
What’s Next (Week 2): Bad Dudes @ X-Rayz (1-0 @ 0-1),
ECK @ LTBS (0-1 @ 1-0)
2019 WEEK 1 BACKYARD BATTLE OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY THE BLACK BEAR THAT KILLED SOME “FAMILY HORSE” IN MASSACHUSETTS.…
(this would work better if the Bears were in the BBOTW and if some other team that I defeated had some sort of horse-based team name but ALAS that ain’t life)
Lakehurst Leviathans Reach Twenty Percent Of Their Previous All Time Win Total With Victory Over Last Year’s First Loser, The Astoria Isotopes – 7-6-1
MVP: Adalberto Mondesi – OH ADALBERTO, polarizing figure in the fantasy world. The guy barely got on base in Week One but JROLL‘d anyway and if that’s what he can do with a sub-.300 OBP he should serve the Leviathans just fine. Finer than Carlos Martinez would AMIRITE?! 9/34, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, 1 SB, .265 OBP, 1 JROLL
LVP: Chris Sale – Fuck it let’s hammer a Sawks pitcher once again. Chris Sale the ‘Topes expected MORE from you, and it really wouldn’t have taken much more (they lost ERA 4.85 to 4.75) so shame on you and fuck you I hope you suck all year 🙂 . 9 IP, 8 ER, 5 Ks, 1 QS, 8.00 ERA
JROLLs: Adalberto Mondesi (1, LL)
Leviathans Hitter Of Note: OH YEA JD Martinez is still here, can’t forget about that guy he can hit a baseball a bit MOST UNFORTUNATELY (14/42, 5 Rs, 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, .404 OBP).
Leviathans Pitcher Of Note: GOOD LORD Matthew Boyd what a start sir, I was going to call him “young man” but don’t care enough to look up how old he is ANYONE’S GUESS (6.1 IP, 1 ER, 13 Ks, 1 QS, 1.42 ERA).
Isotopes Hitter Of Note: Can basically repeat whatever I said for JD up there for my main man Khris Davis, the battle for the best K(C)hris Davis is SO over (10/46, 6 Rs, 5 HRs, 10 RBIs, .300 OBP).
Isotopes Pitcher Of Note: Both ‘Topes Rox SP looked good but let’s shout out to German Marquez for earnin’ that $ FOR NOW (13 IP, 1 ER, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.69 ERA).
BBOTW BREAKDOWN
What can I sayyyyy really, this was a tight battle that came down to Sunday night which we really love here at THA BLAWG cuz yanno that makes for an easy BBOTW pick. I’m sure a buncha shit happened before Sunday Night Baseball but BY THEN the ‘Topes were seeking runs from Nolan Arenado and Charlie Blackmon and they got one from each but that wasn’t enough NOW WAS IT. A triple would also have done. I dunno I’m sure other stuff happened, Ks and QS and ERA were all fairly close on the other side of the ball but IN THE END the team that never wins many games won a matchup against the team that was in the BCS last season. HOW BOUT THEM APPLES. I’ve learned better since the previously named outfit started out 2-0 that one time only to not. win. another. matchup. that. entire. season. So yea NOTHING TO SEE HERE ON TO WEEK TWO….
Week 2 will see this thus far unremarkable Lakehurst franchise taking on the Barnegat franchise, FAMILY FOES. Meanwhile the Isotopes will find themselves looking to avoid 0-2 against yours truly, spoiler alert I intend to send them to 0-2. THE BACKYARD FOLKS.
What’s Next (Week 2): LL @ BBS (1-0 @ 0-1),
‘Topes v. Bears (0-1 v. 1-0)
This concludes Week One Review. Thank you for tuning to Week One Review, be sure to hit subscribe and follow my “insta” and this review was a nightmare so I reserve the right to adjust this ENTIRELY next time. Once I’m done sending angry emails to WordPress people or whatevs. Whatever. Suck it nerdz.
Backyard Views 