2018 RECORD: 8-10
PROJECTED 2019 RECORD: 8-8-2, 7th place. The DELICIOUS DOUBLE WHAMMY of having the Bad Dudes both improve upon their 2018 record while also missing the playoffs for the first time eva. FUN. We have fun here.
BEAR MINIMUM BLOVIATION: It really doesn’t require much to get the Bad Dudes out of the playoffs for a fucking change, just yanno a series of random tiebreakers pitting 2-3 teams for the 6th seed where the Dudes fall a bit short. If I am trying to bake in regression perhaps it starts with the fact they’re rostering two guys that didn’t even SIGN with a team until like March. Bit of a red flag there. No they should be fine, but the pitching is questionable the entire way through and you just know Rougned Odor will have some LVP weeks that are just SO BAD they crater the entire offense around him. Like some sort of shittiness black hole drawing in everything near it, allowing no OBP to escape from its shitty grasp.
PROJECTED BACKYARD SURPRISE STUD HITTER: RF Nomar Mazara – I have been as down on Mazara as any man can possibly be but even I can admit that’s mostly to get the Dudes to shut the fuck up about declaring every player’s every April HR a clear sign that they are about to #BreakOut. I can also admit that Mazara is very young and last year was held down a bit by an all of a sudden inflated groundball rate. Reverse that trend and improve ever so slightly against LHP and you can see 30 dongs outta this ding dong.
PROJECTED BACKYARD SURPRISE DUD HITTER: 3B Miguel Sano – SURPRISE, Sano is already hurt and once he gets done being hurt he’s still gonna suck and strike out way too much and just be a shitty person in general. He fits the team name but is probably too streaky and/or shitty to make it to the end of the season on a roster that demands accountability from all players not named Rougned Odor or AJ Pollock or Kevin Gausman or Marcus Stroman or……
PROJECTED BACKYARD SURPRISE STUD PITCHER: SP Alex Reyes – This isn’t a stud pitcher in the sense that I think Reyes will crack the rotation (I believe it’s already declared he opens in the pen) but it IS a “stud” designation in the sense that FOR BACKYARD PURPOSES, I think he can be an impact SP-eligible reliever in 2019. Health needs to hold up of course but if so he can definitely sneak into the Saves and Holds mix and pump out the Ks. Could be a nice lil piece, for the Bad Dudes to no doubt trade at the deadline.
PROJECTED BACKYARD SURPRISE DUD PITCHER: SP Carlos Martinez – On the flip side of the Cardinals sitch SURPRISE…. I mean I guess it’s a surprise if you trade Offseason Hype Beast Adalberto Mondesi (whom I also projected to dud, kismet) because if you trade an Offseason Hype Beast you gotta expect to be getting back a useful player. Alas, Carlos Martinez may be fucking toast folks. I predict a brief and disastrous attempt at starting