I sat alone in my pizza taxi the other night, contemplating some of my moves and overall composition of my fantasy roster. I thought, I did a good job getting some young dudes. I mentally patted myself on the back and everything. I did some more extensive sleuthing to find I DID NOT do as good a job as I thought I had in comparison to the rest of ya’ll. That said, I present a ranking of every teams in terms of how old you(r rosters) all reallllllly are. Major Leaguers were examined only.

 

These are done with rosters examined on or about March 23rd, 2018. Ages are averaged out for Opening Day, SO NO MORE ROSTER MOVES UNTIL THEN LOBMAN AND ODOM. Last year’s lowest total moves were the BackdoorSliderz and they made a TOTAL of 191 moves. These two have combined for 52 in ONE MONTH (30 and 22, respectively) and I can’t keep this updated daily until Opening Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ranked Oldest to Youngest

 

 

10. Astoria Isotopes – Average Age – 29.958 years old

 

Batters Only – 29.39 (4th)

 

Pitchers Only – 30.68 (2nd)

 

Oldest Player – Robinson Cano, 35.44 years old

 

Youngest Player – Matt Olson, 24 years old

 

The Topes have built a roster largely of established veterans and currently own the 6th oldest player currently rostered inn recent pickup Pat Neshek. They own the second oldest pitching staff and oldest overall roster probably due to that pickup, as they were only older by probably a day or two over the next team. I’m not doing the math but as you can see it’s super close. Their youngest player will turn 24 on Opening Day (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT OLSON!) But, hey, at least Aaron Judge is there and isn’t fantasy dead yet, though even he will be 26 shortly after the start of the season. Free agent Greg Holland is still rostered too and he’s on the wrong side of 32. I’m making that a thing.

 

 

 

 

 

9. Barnegat Banana Slugs – Average Age – 29.957 years old

 

Batters Only – 28.82 (5th)

 

Pitchers Only – 31.41 (1st)

 

Oldest Player – Fernando Rodney, 41.03 years old

 

Youngest Player – Luis Severino, 24.10 years old

 

The Slugs shed at least one aging player in the offseason (see Jake Arrieta) yet still boast far and away the oldest group of hurlers by about ¾ of a year. Sure, Rodney sorta jacks up the average there a bit, but it’s not my decision to roster him. Only two pitchers at all are even under 28 (Jon Gray & Luis Severino.) Thankfully, I guess, some young bats keep their geriatric pitching staff feeling young again, with only three guys over 30, Tommy Pham included.

 

 

 

 

 

8. Rojo’s Renegade Force – Average Age – 29.70 years old

 

Batters Only – 30.47 (1st)

 

Pitchers Only – 28.70 (5th)

 

Oldest Player – Adrian Beltre, 38.98 years old

 

Youngest Player – Joey Gallo, 24.36 years old

 

The old Force, pun intended, will trot out the oldest group of bats in the league, and the only offensive group collectively over 30. Buoyed by the seemingly ageless (but not actually ageless) Adrian Beltre and Nelson Cruz, you have to think Father Time will catch up eventually. To counter this, only Johnny Cueto will be aged more than a week over 30 from their stable of arms and a healthy dose of youth does patrol the field to account for – I’m sure – the soon to be retirement of the elder statesmen.

 

 

 

 

 

7. Q-Tip City Morning Wood – Average Age – 29.05 years old

 

Batters Only – 29.86 (2nd)

 

Pitchers Only – 28.22 (10th)

 

Oldest Player – Zack Greinke, 34.44 years old

 

Youngest Player – Ian Happ 23.63 years old

 

OH HOW WRONG WAS I?? The Wooders squad contains the second OLDEST bats. This is after I did some work getting younger! SAD! Happ does figure to be a lineup staple for years but age is a vengeful mistress and a healthy amount are at or near 30. Evan Longoria & Daniel Murphy are on that wrong side of 32 I spoke of and Lorenzo Cain will be too shortly after Opening Day. BUT HEY, the pitching is super young, which could be a good and bad thing. Only two are going to be 32+ – close enough Felix – and six are 27 or younger. If they all pan out this could be a dangerous stable of arms, a la the Warriors staff even, in like 5 years. Pitching isn’t volatile though. Is it??

 

 

 

 

6. Bellcrest Park Babadooks – Average Age – 28.87 years old

 

Batters Only – 29.53 (3rd)

 

Pitchers Only – 28.54 (8th)

 

Oldest Player – Ryan Madson, 37.58 years old

 

Youngest Player – Cody Bellinger, 22.71 years old

 

The ushe blog writer, Los Babadooks, feature some of the oldest stick handlers (despite the rostering of Bellinger and Gary Sanchez) with wily veterans Edwin Encarnacion and Joey Votto, though the bunch is only, on average, about a week older than 4th place. Old Man Ryan Madson is BY FAR the oldest ball handler though, an astounding 7 YEARS older than the next arm, and the only one born before 1987, which is why they have the 3rd youngest staff in the league.

 

 

 

 

 

5. Mission Valley X*Rayz – Average Age – 28.50 years old

 

Batters Only – 28.43 (6th)

 

Pitchers Only – 28.59 (7th)

 

Oldest Player – James Shields, 36.27 years old

 

Youngest Player – Roberto Osuna, 24.14 years old

 

The X*Rayz built their championship team with speed (largely anyway) and guys who get on base and that can in part be attributed to the general infusion of youth on the team. Both pitchers and batters are stirkingly similar in age groups and both rank in the bottom half collectively. Besides being the only one willing to roster James Sheilds, only Jeff Samardzija, Yadier Molina and Ian Desmond fall on the “wrong side of 32” as I’ve decidedly coined it. The GM can’t keep half these guys on the roster though and I have no doubt a slew of moves probably happened sometime between when I started this paragraph and when I finished it, but this is not a constantly changing list, folks.

 

 

 

 

 

4. Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz – Average Age – 28.23 years old

 

Batters Only – 27.36 (8th)

 

Pitchers Only – 29.53 (3rd)

 

Oldest Player – Rich Hill, 38.05 years old

 

Youngest Player – Ozzie Albies, 21.22 years old

 

The Sliderz currently roster the youngest Backyard player in Albies which makes their entry as the 3rd youngest bunch of batters not all that surprising. Only a handful of batters are even over 28, four to be exact. Where the wheels fall off would be the relatively nursing home eligible pitching staff. Jon Lester is 34 and Luke Gregerson soon will be too, and that’s without further mentioning the 3rd oldest Backyarder in Hill. Only two pitchers are 25 and none are younger.

 

 

 

 

 

3. River City Bad Dudes – Average Age – 28.20 years old

 

Batters Only – 27.64 (7th)

 

Pitchers Only – 29.41 (4th)

 

Oldest Player – Brandon Morrow 33.67 years old

 

Youngest Player – Nomar Mazara, 22.92 years old

 

Another GM that will probably blow up my preseason projections because of the incessant moves, the Bad Dudes slot currently as the third youngest roster, though nearly a year older than the bottom two. Despite this, only 4 players sit on that wrong side of 32 I keep bringing up. Key players like Bryce Harper, Manny Machado and Xander Bogaerts are all still just 25 and while the pitching staff isn’t among the younger staffs in the league, some Bad Dudes favorites like Sonny Gray, Danny Salazar and Marcus Stroman are all 28 or younger.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club – Average Age – 27.35 years old

 

Batters Only – 26.73 (9th)

 

Pitchers Only – 28.025 (9th)

 

Oldest Player – Justin Verlander, 35.10 years old

 

Youngest Player – Amed Rosario, 22.26 years old

 

The Fishing Club might be a guy for years if the seemingly surplus of youth ALL works out long term. They missed out on youngest pitching staff by a day (yes, one day) and roster two of the five youngest in the Backyard (Yoan Moncada & Amed Rosario.)  They have just 5 players over 30 and only three surpass 32, in Todd Frazier, Justin Verlander & Andrew Miller.) If they work out, this could be a scary group for some years.

 

 

 

 

 

1. Garden State Warriors – Average Age – 27.17 years old

 

Batters Only – 25.79 (10th)

 

Pitchers Only – 28.67 (6th)

 

Oldest Player – Ryan Braun, 34.36 years old

 

Youngest Player – Yoan Moncada, 22.84 years old

 

The Garden State Baby Boomers – let’s pretend that associated with babies and not people in their 60s or 70s – have FAR, FAR and away the youngest offense, nearly a full year younger than anyone else at just 25.79 years old. Savvy trades and patience for minor leaguers has no doubt shaped this roster with only Ryan Braun topping even 28 years old on the offensive side. The pitching staff does feature a few “old guys” with David Price being the elder statesman at just 32 but they are still in the bottom half of younger pitching. The spectre of age 30 will creep on a bunch of guys shortly after the season begins, with Stephen Strasburg, Craig Kimbrel, Clayton Kershaw and James Paxton all turning 30 at some point early in the year. OK, Paxton is during the season but you get the idea. Did you know he is Canadian? I learned something today.

 

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What does all of this mean?

 

Well, pretty much, but it was a tiring exercise meant to entertain that I’m sure exactly zero of you will appreciate but I DID IT ANYWAY.   (EDITOR’S NOTE:  SEAN VERY MUCH APPRECIATES IT.)