2017 WEEK 12 REVIEW: FUCKING TIES MAN

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Essential to ANNOYING THE BEJEEZUS OUTTA ME

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WEEK 12 CAME AND WENT AND IT TOOK MY WIN STREAK WITH IT. AND I HAVE NOBODY TO BLAME FOR THAT BUT MYSELF, AND MY TEAM, AND THE MEDIOCRE RESULTS IT PRODUCED. WE CAN DISCUSS WEEK 12 THOUGH I GUESS, I THINK THIS ONE HAS MORE CAPS LOCK THAN USUAL BUT THAT IS LIKELY JUST A FUNCTION OF THAT FUCKINGGGG ANNOYING TIE…….

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Rojo’s Renegade Force Win The Battle Of The 4-7s, Move To 5-7, Make Toms River Titans 4-8…Yea That  –  9-5-0

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MVP:  Paul Goldschmidt  –  Goldschmidt, pretty much alllllllllllllllways Goldschmidt for Rojo’s Renegade Force. Added insult to injury as the Titans (several team names ago) actually traded Goldschmidt away to this team, due to him being injured during the stretch run/playoffs that particular season. But then they won the chip that year so yanno whateva, FLAGS FLY FOREVER. But for narrative’s sake let’s be like SWEET REVENGE FOR PAUL GOLDSCHMIDT or something.  10/24, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 8 RBIs, .500 OBP      

LVP:  Byron Buxton    Looks like the Titans went for a little SWEET REVENGE angle of their own by giving Buxton a bunch of ABs against the team that infamously gave up on him. At least for one more week that team was proven right once again.  Cuz yea Buxton has been kinda trash this year.  3/17, 1 R, 1 RBI, .263 OBP      

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RRF Hitter Of Note:  Adrian Beltre sighting for what has got to be like the first time for the blog this season, kinda forgot he didn’t retire yet due to that injury keeping him out in the beginning of the year and yada yada he had a solid Week 12 (7/27, 4 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 9 RBIs, .323 OBP).

RRF Pitcher Of Note:  And in other news COREY KLUBER with perhaps the prettiest week I have seen all season from a starter, and the “perhaps” isn’t even really necessary here (16 IP, 0 ER, 24 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  Cameron Maybin has evidently been on the Titans roster since June 10th but IF YOU ASK ME it feels like he debuted last week (5/24, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, 2 SBs, .321 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  DECEIVING LINE here as Michael Pineda only gave up a run over 5.2 IP in his first start of the week, but BAD PINEDA showed up against Texas yesterday (9.2 IP, 8 ER, 11 Ks, 7.45 ERA).

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Rojo’s Renegade Force came out with a purpose in Week 12, as they seemingly maintained control of the week from wire to wire on their way to a 9 category victory. It was a battle of 4-7s where both performed better than their records might indicate:  RRF lead the league in ERA, TR Titans lead the league in Strikeouts and Doubles. But alas it was the Renegade Force outdueling the Titans in a few key pitching cats (8-6 QS, 1-0 CGs, 2-1 Saves) as well as 5 of 7 offensive cats on their way to a much-needed victory that has them knocking on the door of a 2017 playoff spot. DON’T WRITE THEIR ZANEY HOLDS STRATEGY OFF JUST YET (maybe write it off eventually though). Rojo’s Renegade Force head into Week 13 for a crucial battle with Astoria, fresh off their second win in June. The Toms River Titans will head into Week 13 having lost 3 straight, dropping them from the verge of .500 to the verge of outta playoff contention in 2017.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Renegade Force v. Isotopes (Another IMPORTANT battle for RRF, a win would tie them with the current 6th seed ‘Topes and a loss would concede the dreaded SSS [season series sweep]), Titans v. MooniniteZ (Not much to say here it is just sad when two brothers must square off in the fantasy realm but also I WILL SHOW NO MERCY OR AT LEAST ATTEMPT TO SHOW NO MERCY) 

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Barnegat Banana Slugs I Was Gonna Say “Outslug” But Not Even Really Plus I Am Tired Of The Slug Puns But WHATEVER They Defeated The Lacey Township (But Also Temporarily Mexico) BackdoorSliderz  –  7-4-3

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MVP:  Jonathan Schoop  –  LET’S GIVE J SCHOOP SOME LOVE. J Schoop is currently the 6th ranked 2nd basemen according to ESPN’s ranking system, which I still don’t fully understand but STILL. J Schoop must be playing well is what I am getting at. He played well in Week 12.  9/26, 3 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .433 OBP    

LVP:  Jeff Hoffman    REALLY NOT GOOD PITCHING JEFF.  3.2 IP, 9 ER, 2 Ks, 22.09 ERA         

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  Jose Bautista also played very well in Week 12 so even though I was able to keep him outta MVP and even though I think very little of him as a player and person, I guess I have to highlight him here (9/29, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .412 OBP).

Has Trevor Story Kinda Been Trash Though?  Yes.

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  MAX SCHERZER what else is new, he got boned out of his no-hitter bid in the 8th in this last one but still ended up with a 0 ER CG loss go figure (8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA).

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BDSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Travis Shaw hit 3 HRs in Week 12 and somehow has 15 HRs on the year and what the fuck man (6/26, 5 Rs, 3 2Bs, 3 HRs, 6 RBIs, .310 OBP).

BDSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  ALSO SOME REALLY NOT GOOD PITCHING TANNER (ROARK) (8.2 IP, 12 ER, 7 Ks, 12.46 ERA).

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The Barnegat Banana Slugs took care of business in Week 13, doing justttt enough to dispatch a Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz team helmed by a man too busy falling in love in Mexico to be bothered with things like stopping a 4 week losing streak. While the BDSliderz valiantly got their 12 starts in, these starts didn’t yield much return:  66 Strikeouts, 2 Ws, 6.195 ERA. The Banana Slugs were able to capitalize by pitching slightttly better (79 Ks, 5 Ws, 4.985 ERA) and grabbing a clutch CG from Max Scherzer, and a bunch of I guess clutch Holds in a matchup where the BDSliderz did not appear to have a holds guy of any kind. Barnegat also was slightttttly better at getting on base this week and used that (and a 39-35 RBI advantage, two lowest totals for the league in Week 12) to grab a victory in YET ANOTHER single digit dinger week for them. I would address that more but then that would just RUIN potential Power Rankings and Trade Deadline Preview articles and also I don’t feel like writing shit about shit for this week’s review and you people will just have to deal with that. ANYWHOM. In Week 13 the Banana Slugs will have a tough test on their hands, as they try and stop a 5 week win streak and slide up in the playoff standings. The Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz will just be seeking a much-needed victory in hopes of turning this thing around, they’ve lost 5 straight matchups.

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Next Week aka This Week:   Banana Slugs v. X-Rayz (BIG MATCHUP as the Slugs look to halt an X-Rayz 5 game win streak and pull even with them in the standings and grab a possibly critically important SSS, and I guess maybe alotta matchups are going to look like “big matchups” at this point in the season), BDSliderz v. Morning Wood (Sliderz looking to stop a yuuuuuuge slide and that one just writes itself)

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River City Bad Dudes Break The Heart Of Q-Tip City Morning Wood By BeatingThem Even Though Their Offense Was Excellent But Maybe Their Offense Should Have Given Their Pitching A Pep Talk?   –  7-5-2

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MVP:  Giancarlo Stanton  –  Giancarlo has been such a proficient hitter of dongs lately that the Bad Dudes decided they NO LONGER EVEN NEEDED Bryce Harper to be on his team, and good for him for (temporarily) cuttie ties with that tool. Lobman is a tool too. Shame him forever for that move. I DON’T RECALL DO OVERS BACK WHEN OSCAR TAVERAS WAS ALIVE.  6/25, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, 1 SB, .345 OBP      

LVP:  Justin Bour    Justin Bour is sometimes a real HR slugger but also sometimes he strikes out like 7 times in a week and contributes nothing. Clearly you may have some indication as to which Justin Bour showed up last week, this is the LVP section and all. Plus I fact checked to confirm those 7 Ks. Who does he think he is Keon Broxton?  1/16, 1 R, .167 OBP     

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Bryce Harper had 5 RBIs in Week 12 which is whatever I am only bringing this up just to once again say MIKE YOU IDIOT STOP DRUNKENLY STARING AT BRYCE HARPER’S PICTURE ON THE ESPN APP THAT WAY YOU WON’T ACCIDENTALLY DROP HIM YOU FUCKING IDIOT (7/24, 3 Rs, 1 2B, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, .393 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Jon Lester continues to be an okay pitcher and I continue to think he can just go and eat a dick (13 IP, 5 ER, 11 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 3.46 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  Carlos Gomez has EMERGED as one of the few bright spots in QTC’s inaugural season’s transaction history, a nice job there stashing him towards the tail end of his DL stint he’s still kinda got it that guy (6/22, 7 Rs, 4 HRs, 8 RBIs, 1 SB, .333 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  Shout out to Adam Ottavino for throwing like 4 wild pitches in an inning and in the process doing the AM Bonerz ERA NO FAVORS (2 IP, 7 ER, 2 Ks, 1 W, 31.50 ERA).

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This one is kinda just sad to look at as the Q-Tip City Morning Wood FINALLY got their shit together on offense and then watched as their pitching completely did not hold up their end of the bargain, leading to their demise. 4 of the 5 cats won by the Morning Wood came on offense, where they finished second for the week in Runs (54) and 2nd for the week in OBP (.3666) and even knocked in 19 HRs. UNFORTUNATELY, the River City Bad Dudes knocked in 21. EQUALLY UNFORTUNATE is how shit-tastic the Morning Wood’s ERA was in Week 12 (6.692), which combined with a useless bullpen that only contributed 1 Save to aid in the downfall. 6 QS and 7 Ws are impressive with that ERA, no doubt, but low Strikeout totals (River City won Ks 83-67) and just generally unfortunate luck allowed the Morning Wood to not win. I am mostly focusing on the Morning Wood because the Bad Dudes recently dropped Bryce Harper so they don’t DESERVE my analysis, clearly they are helmed by a drunken lunatic. That drunken lunatic and his Bad Dudes of River City will be seeking a third straight win in Week 13, as they rebound from a 3 week losing streak that dropped them out of first place. The Q-Tip City Morning Wood will just try and win for the first time since April, although they recently eked out a tie that should have been a win if they didn’t FUCK UP and only start 11. So there’s that.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Bad Dudes v. OGTFC (BIG MATCHUP which I keep fucking saying, but yea these teams tied last time out so if the OGTFC win they essentially tie River City’s record and hold the playoff seeding tiebreaker andddd if the Bad Dudes win yanno the opposite of all that happens), Morning Wood v. BDSliderz (Battle of the New Guys Whoms Beginners Luck Have Worn Out is what we shall term this, proper English be damned)

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Point Loma X-Rayz Pitch Past PAstoria Isotopes For Season High 5th Straight W  –  7-5-2

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MVP:  Jose Ramirez  –   JOSE WITH THE JROLL, which is certainly good enough for MVP in this particular matchup and is PROBABLY the only JROLL of the week and he SINGLEHANDEDLY won the triples cat for the X-Rayz and this now marks the SECOND STRAIGHT week Jose Ramirez has grabbed himself an MVP O’ The Week award the man is hot folks.  CAREER YEARIN IT. Also how in the hell did he only end up with 1 RBI?  11/28, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 SB, .433 OBP     ***MVP OF THE WEEK***     

LVP:  Mike Moustakas  –  Miggy didn’t exactly dominate last week either and I was tempted to give him this award just cuz but Mike Mostsuckass was slightly worse (they both hit precisely one HR though) and that’s a fun name to play around with so he gets it. Sucks to suck.  3/19,  1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI, .158 OBP    

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Daniel Murphy, guy acquired for two pitchers who are no longer with the team he was acquired from (one of them is back on the X-Rayz and DOMINATING), continues to be a very good acquisition for Point Loma (6/20, 5 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 8 RBIs, .375 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  The X-Rayz pitched to a pretty ERA in Week 12 and nice W and QS numbers and it was just a solid team effort, but let’s single out Taijuan Walker for an impressive performance in Coors because the Taijuan of old would have given up like 7 homers there (6 IP, 3 ER, 8 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 4.50 ERA).

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‘Topes Hitter Of Note:  Gonna skip the Aaron Judge update this week to INSTEAD fill you all in on what Cody Bellinger has been up to, and Cody Bellinger has been up to swatting dingers (10/27, 7 Rs, 3 2Bs, 5 HRs, 12 RBIs, 1 SB, .400 OBP).

‘Topes Pitcher Of Note:   Mike Leake grabbed 2 QS but also grabbed zero Ws so WAY TO GO RED BIRDS (12 IP, 4 ER, 7 Ks, 2 QS, 3.00 ERA).

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ZANEY MATCHUP ALERT. The Point Loma X-Rayz had the fewest Runs and HRs and lowest OBP in the wholeee league in Week 12 but were still able to amass the 3rd-most RBIs and still able to, yanno, win their matchup. That victory was primarily accomplished due to an accomplished performance from the pitching staff, which saw every starter notch either a or QS or both and ended up stringing together the following line:  86 Ks, 8 QS, 8 Ws, 5 Saves, 3.047 ERA (2nd best ERA in the Backyard last week). That line allowed the X-Rayz to go 4-1-2 in the pitching cats, and then from there it was just the usual formula of winning SBs (11-2) and Triples (2-1) and throwing in a win in Doubles (15-11) to get Point Loma to its 5th straight victory, and a big one over Astoria. The Isotopes once again showed superior power numbers (20 HRs, 55 RBIs) on the backs of their big bopping rookie types (Judge and Bellinger but of course) but alas it was just not enough to carry them to victory this particular week. RAN INTO A HOT OPPONENT what can ya say, when you’re hot you’re hot and you end up winning weird weeks with a sub-.300 OBP and such. Now Point Loma enters Week 13 as hot as anyyyy team has been this season, seeking a 2017 record 6th straight win. The Astoria Isotopes will head to RRF Country and attempt to remain above .500/in possession of a playoff spot.

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Next Week aka This Week:   X-Rayz v. Banana Slugs, Isotopes v. Renegade Force

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2017 WEEK 12 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY NABISCO’S LIMITED EDITION FIREWORK OREOS

 

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Nabisco Fireworks OreosI have also tried these and they are just like regular oreos with fucking pop rocks in them and I feel cheated THIS WILL BE YOUR LAST SPONSORSHIP GIG NABISCO……

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Ian Desmond could have played hero against his former team but OOPS I took that from him
OceanGate Trout Fishing Club ONCE AGAIN Kinda Sorta Luck Their Way Into Yet Another Motherfucking Tie, This One With The Manchester MooniniteZ  –  5-5-4

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MVP:  Corey Seager  –  This SONOFABITCH pretty much did all of his damage against me in one goddamned 3 HR/6 RBI game but still GOOD ENOUGH for MVP. I guess I would have preferred it was a 2 HR game when it was alllll said and done.9/16, 6 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, 1 SB, .588 OBP

LVP:  Ian Desmond    And it was BECAUSE of this very line that Ian Desmond found himself riding pine on the pivotal Sunday, and then the fucker goes and gets the SB I was trying to stream elsewhere and since my team also had an additional SB that day the Desmond SB would have technically won the week assuming it wasn’t in place of the additional SB which it would not have been. More on that below!  2/20, 1 R, .100 OBP     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***     

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Unfortunately Justin Turner tried to really have himself a week against me after I believed in him for so long when so many others did not, time heals all wounds though Justin also I hope you pop your hamstring (10/22, 9 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 6 RBIs, .571 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  And Gerrit Cole was perhaps most pivotal in preserving precious ptie, as he pitched the OGTFC ahead in the QS and ERA cats with his pitching performance of pitching (13 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks, 2 QS, 2 Ws, 1.38 ERA).

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Andrew McCutchen tried to extend a big FU to his former team and probably would have been MVP had the MooniniteZ won like they were supposed to SORRY ANDREW (9/23, 6 Rs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .517 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  Matt Moore is also a piece of shit for it he simply TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS in a pitcher’s park where he had like a 3.00 ERA on the year against the goddamned Mets on Sunday then we maybe win ERA, but he did not do that (4.1 IP, 5 ER, 5 Ks, 10.38 ERA).

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FUCKETY FUCK FUCK. Look I GET IT, yanno? Pretty much every team can play revisionist history after a week is done, and the only reason we even had a chance at a tie is thanks to a super cold Sunday from the OGTFC (3 Runs, 1 2B, 3 RBIs, .267OBP), and again we are kinda lucky we clawed back after a RED FUCKING HOT Thursday from the OGTFC that grabbed them the lead (15 Runs, 6 2Bs, 6 HRs, 14 RBIs, 1 SB, .545OBP)  and yada yada yada we can go on and on about this particular matchup (well I can, the rest of you don’t care). But RATHER than write 500 words about my decision to bench Ian Desmond and him subsequently getting an SB that could have combined with a beautiful Keon Broxton Sunday (3/4, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 3 RBIs, 1 SB) to give me the win, RATHER than write about that let’s quickly recap the 5 OGTFC ties and see how he might have a much worse record right now if we all got our shit together:

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WEEK 1:  OGTFC TIE 3EF, 5-5-4:  This one is simple, a former owner failed to sit Marcel Ozuna for the late game in order to preserve their OBP and the victory and THEREFORE the OGTFC ran into their first luck of the year right out the gate.

OGTFC RECORD:  0-0-1      WHAT OGTFC’S RECORD SHOULDA BEEN:  0-1-0

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WEEK 3:  OGTFC TIE Banana Slugs, 5-5-4:  Uhhh this one was probably a legit tie so this hurts the narrative but had to include it here, so here it is.

OGTFC RECORD:  0-1-2      WHAT OGTFC’S RECORD SHOULDA BEEN:  0-2-1

WEEK 5:  OGTFC TIE Bad Dudes, 6-6-2:  Prob legit tie, hurts narrative, had to include, here.

OGTFC RECORD:  0-2-3      WHAT OGTFC’S RECORD SHOULDA BEEN:  0-3-2

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WEEK 10:  OGTFC TIE Morning Wood, 6-6-2:  Ahhh now we return to this team being a team of LUCKY BASTARDS, as they stole yet another tie when those rat bastard Bonerz failed to start a 12th starter like a bunch of n00bs. The OGTFC would go on to win Ks by 3, SURELY just about any 12th starter could have gotten QTC 3 or 3+ Ks and ERA was never in doubt so they fucked up

OGTFC RECORD:  3-3-4      WHAT OGTFC’S RECORD SHOULDA BEEN:  3-5-2

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WEEK 12:  OGTFC TIE MooniniteZ, 5-5-4:  This oneeee a bit more of a stretch but the FACT REMAINS that I got a little too cute with the lineup on Sunday and that cuteness cost me the W, shoulda kept Ian Desmond in despite him sucking all week for NARRATIVE’S SAKE.

OGTFC RECORD:  4-3-5      WHAT OGTFC’S RECORD SHOULDA BEEN:  4-6-2

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So there you have it, rather than being a weird 4-3-5 team this team shoulda been coulda been a 4-6-2 team aka NOT CURRENTLY IN THE PLAYOFFS (although merely like a game out). We all done goofed and we have to hope that doesn’t end up being something we look back upon sadly when the season is all said and done. There’s still time for the OGTFC to fall out of the playoffs though so whatever. FOR NOW, the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club enter Week 13 on a 4-0-2 stretch over their last 6 so PLAYING FAIRLY WELL even in the absence of Mike Trout. The MooniniteZ enter Week 13 out for revenge after they had their 5 week win streak snapped by this dumb goddamned tie.

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Next Week aka This Week:  OGTFC v. Bad Dudes, MooniniteZ v. Titans

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WEEK 12 INNNNN THE BOOKS, YET ANOTHER TIE FIASCO FOR THE TROUTLESS FISHING CLUB BUT WE MUST MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES. AND RECOGNIZE THAT THE MOONINITEZ REMAIN 1.5 UP FOR FIRST AND ARE VERY MUCH IN CONTROL OF THEIR OWN DESTINY IN A CHASING THAT BYE SENSE OF THE TERM AND SO FUCK Y’ALL, LET’S JUST PUT THIS WEEK BEHIND US SHALL WE?! WE SHALL. THAT IS WHAT WE ARE GONNA DO. I AM STILL IN FIRST PLACE STARING DOWN AT ALL YOU SUCKAS. I GOTTA BOOK A ROUND 1 VACATION OR SOMETHING. ANYWHO WE SHOULD GET SOME JULY POWER RANKINGS COMING UP, POSSIBLY A TRADE DEADLINE PREVIEW ONCE WE GET CLOSER TO THAT THING WHENEVER THE FUCK THAT THING IS. SO ON. SO FORTH. BEST OF LUCK TO ALL EXCEPT MY OPPONENT (MY OWN BROTHER) IN WEEK 13………….

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2017 WEEK 12 REVIEW: FUCKING TIES MAN

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