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NOTE: I only have so much time to write so many things so I think most of this intro will just be lifted from last year, if it ain’t broke (or I don’t care enough) don’t fix it…..

Oh lord, is it this time of year again already? The time where I debate whether or not the hottest sister category (FOR THE NEWBIES TO THE AWARDS, I have slept with some of the sisters) is needed in the midseason awards and then proceed to criticize everyone else’s team choices while glossing over my own?  Sweet sweet topless Parisians Emma Watsons I do believe it is time…..

I’ve been thinking about calling these MOONIEZ or MIDSEASON MOONIEZ or something to that effect but then what if I ultimately decide to change team mascots eventually WHAT THEN? But for now if you want to call them the Midseason MoonieZ feel free….

As always, justifications for awards and will be given randomly or not at all and the actual awards themselves will be fairly random and if you disagree with anything seen here blame the man that gave me a platform this time. Which in this case I think is Lobman. Blame Lobman. And also FOR THE NEWBIES TO THE AWARDS, if I am giving anti-MVPs or something I am not going to pick the guy who sucks the most so much as I am going to pick the guy who wasn’t supposed to suck but does. Just want to give you that little peak behind the curtain. Let’s jump right in shallllllllllllll we? We shall…..

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HOTTEST SISTER EX GIRLFRIEND —  Linda McWhateverFace (Isotopes).  SWITCHING IT UP this time in order to best take a shot at the former commish. Linda McWhateverFace had it alllll gentlemen, from a great rack to a wild side to a great rack to a serious case of drunken touchiness to a great rack to a great rack. And also she had a great rack. Mikey T feel free to present her with this award as I think she will be touched by the gesture and thusly you will end up happily ever after.

 

honorable mention— Raina (X-Rayz)- I mean she was like 16 at the time but STILL she deserves a mention, Joanie (OGTFC)- I have always loved Joanie I just love her a lot less since I found out she dated Greg, Shannon (Banana Slugs)- this is based solely on the fact that the loss of her devastated Brian for many many years, I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup.

If anyone has any ex girlfriends they feel were unfairly left out of this please feel free to submit their pictures to the group chat…… 

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Now that such silliness is out of the way let us get to the fantasy baseballs……

Wait first let me critique everyone’s wedding ritual performances……

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BEST HEROY BACHELOR PARTY PERFORMANCE— MIKEY T (Isotopes):  An ABSOLUTE SHOCKER here as I would have thought I would have had to make a specific “Biggest Bachelor Party Wet Blanket” category for this man but T absolutely dazzled, and by that I mean he did a helluva job picking the shuffleboard venue and a helluva job falling in love with the drunkest stripper in all of Brooklyn. I think he also let me spend a $100 bill of his (GRANTED about $80 of it went to his lapdances the rest to singles) and I maybe said I would pay him back for it but I am definitely not going to. Next question.

honorable mention— Me (MooniniteZ)- I think I brought some things to the table, Rojo (RRF)- Rojo lights up any room he walks into.

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WORST HEROY BACHELOR PARTY PERFORMANCE— BRIAN (Banana Slugs):  NOT entirely unexpected but you would have thought with ALLLLLL I brought to the table that he would have stayed awake for the whole shebang. NOPE, got a little snoozy in Pumps and when I tried to get him a dance anyways the gal told me “I don’t dance for drunk guys” and I had to protest and say “HE IS ALWAYS LIKE THIS AFTER LIKE 8 PM”. Plus I am sure she dances for drunk guys all the time that’s like her job. But I digress…..

dishonorable mention— Heroy (OGTFC)- For that goddamned “JOIN ME……IN MY CABANA” line and for making some girl cry cuz he called her old and for 70 other inappropriate things he said, Odom (X-Rayz)- Don’t even remember you being there my guy, Dochney (BDSliderz)- Don’t even remember you being there my guy.

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BEST HEROY WEDDING PERFORMANCE— Heroy (OGTFC)- The man of the hour did not disappoint one bit with his singing and dancing and general revelry. PROPS DUE for his performance of “Roadhouse Blues” and for making it to the beach bar for the “after party” despite having to catch a flight the next day to wherever the fuck he is currently. Saint John? I think Saint John. Congrats you sonofabitch you.

honorable mention— Rojo (RRF)- Just BLEW PAST his drink projections to log like 4 DAR (Drinks Above Replacement) and like 6 drinks total or something reckless like that, also he is very helpful in photo booths.

WORST HEROY WEDDING PERFORMANCE

honorable mention— Brian (OGTFC)- Not to saddle a man with multiple “worst performance” awards BUT when you’re observed nodding off at the ripe ole time of like 7 PM you just have to accept this distinction and move on.

dishonorable mention— Odom (X-Rayz)- Don’t even remember you being there my guy, Dochney (BDSliderz)- Don’t even remember you being there my guy, Shane (Morning Wood)– Don’t even remember you being there my guy.

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Okay now onto actual fantasy baseball stuff I swear…..

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BIGGEST FANTASY COMPLAINER— BRIAN (Banana Slugs): LOOK BUDDY EVERYONE HAS INJURIES, COULDN’T EVEN ADD DL SLOTS IF WE WANTED TO. Allz I did was SKIM the transcripts from that evening and it still pained me to do so. If I was commish I would have roster locked you for 4 games.

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BUT ALSO WORST INJURY LUCK— Banana Slugs:  But also yes Brian and his Banana Slugs of Barnegat have had their boo-boos and I respect the record they have pieced together despite said boo-boos.

honorable mention— BDSliderz- Freeman is out Pollock has been out a bit fuckin Tailon got nut cancer, OGTFC- this team made a late push to grab the Worst Injury Luck crown, what with the best baseball player in the world being on their team and now being out for a bunch of weeks and whatnot (and also Danny Duffy),

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BEST “FIRST YEAR PLAYER DRAFT” DRAFT PICK— Eric Thames, Round 2 Pick 20 (X-Rayz):  Howz about everyone REFUSING to buy into the Thames hype until Odom and the X-Rayz were all but forced to take him with the last pick in Round 2, and then he goes out there and is like the best hitter in baseball in April (28 Rs, 6 2Bs, 11 HRs, 19 RBIs, .387 OBP). He has cooled down CONSIDERABLY in May but STILL that April my goodness, probably won the X-Rayz some matchups all by his lonesome.

honorable mention:  Jason Groome, Round 1 Pick 2 (Titans)- Because it kept him out of Barnegat and that amused me.

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WORST “FIRST YEAR PLAYER DRAFT” DRAFT PICK— Joe Kelly, Round 1 Pick 4 (Bad Dudes):  And what did the Bad Dudes get out of their top 4 draft pick Joe Kelly? I WILL TELL YOU WHAT, because I looked it up in the active stats. 10.1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, 2 Ws, 0.00 ERA. So I mean REALLY he wasn’t half bad, even if he displayed a lack of gumption and a lack of Ks, but the Bad Dudes brought him aboard to get Holds and he got no Holds and then he got a stomach bug or something and that was that. Thank you for your service, Joe Kelly.

dishonorable mention:  Grant Dayton, Round 2 Pick 9 (MooniniteZ), Kyle Barraclough, Round 2 Pick 7 (OGTFC), Probably most of these chumps you chumps ended up picking (all you chumps)

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BEST NEW OWNER—Shane (Morning Wood): Because Shane lets everyone beat him and that is what a good first year owner should do, terrible team name aside.

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WORST NEW OWNER—Dochney (BDSliderz): Because DO THE MATH DOCHNEY. Also Dochney beat a whole bunch of teams. Also because of Dochney I type out “BDSliderz” a lot.

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OWNER MOST LIKELY TO DIE BEFORE SEASON’S END— Dochney.  Gonna CHANGE DIRECTIONS on this one and go with a guy whose lifestyle I know little about, but a guy whom I know lives in Lacey. All sorts of hazards in Lacey, let’s name a few: Meth lab explosions, murderous drifters, murderous full-time residents, crazed hobos, poorly-produced heroin. BE SAFE OUT THERE DOCH. Also please note that the former owner of this team is essentially dead to all of us, or at least all of us that MATTER.

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WORST TEAM NAME—Q-Tip City Morning Wood:  Because of this team name I am forced to write “Morning Wood” a whole bunch of times and for a while it was just a picture of Anthony Rizzo kissing a bat even though the team didn’t own Rizzo

dishonorable mention:  Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz– TOO WORDY AND LOBMAN IS MAYBE RIGHT ABOUT THE TOO MANY Zs THING, Rojo’s Renegade Force– DROP THE “FORCE” PART 

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BEST TEAM NAME—Q-Tip City Morning Wood:  Because as BAD of a name as it is, it also allows me to write “AM Boners” and “Dawnus Erectus” and “Before Breakfast Boners” and it opens up a whole world of ED puns that I haven’t even gotten to but probably should have by now given this team’s uhhh performance issues.

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BEST TEAM LOGO—Barnegat Banana Slugs:

GONNA GIVE IT TO THIS CUTE LITTLE GUY, the X-Rayz logo remains lovely and probably comes in a close 2nd but LOOK HOW CUTE THIS IS.

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WORST TEAM LOGO—River City Bad Dudes:

…..stupid. You’re stupid. Bad Dudes is stupid. And Rougned Odor‘s OBP is like equal to Jose Bautista’s batting average right now.

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BEST HIGH MINORS PERFORMER— Cody Bellinger (Isotopes):  Guy has since gone over his high minors ABs limit but prior to doing so boyyyyy did he put up some numbers. The Dodgers might have even had designs on sending him back down when they first brought him up but now they fucking cannot.  (129 ABs) 25 Rs, 6 2Bs, 1 3B, 11 HRs, 29 RBIs, 1 SB, .324 OBP, 1 JROLL 

honorable mention— Aaron Judge (Isotopes)– Until he hit his ABs limit now he’s just an excellent uhhh regular guy, Jorge Bonifacio (X-Rayz)- Guy is out there SLUGGIN’ with 7 HRs through 121 ABs, Kyle Freeland/Antonio Senzatela (Banana Slugs)- This Rockies duo both performed ADMIRABLY for the Slugs throughout their time as high minors arms, with Freeland notching 6 QS in 8 starts and Senzatela notching 5 in 8.

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WORST HIGH MINORS PERFORMER— Joe Jimenez (OGTFC):  My old friend Joe is currently rotting away in the OGTFC minors system as well as the Tigers minors system, but he’s blown his Low Minors eligibility to bits with this line:  4.1 IP, 6 ER, 5 Ks, 12.46 ERA. Wouldn’t be a bad stash at all if he was still Low Minors eligible but here he is, not Low Minors eligible. Plus he got hit pretty hard upon his brief big league exposure and is currently injured or some shit down in the minors so when he returns is anyone’s guess. 

dishonorable mention— Grant Dayton (MooniniteZ)– Did NOT work out in terms of a draft pick selection, which we have already covered, Matt Strahm (MooniniteZ)- ONLY HIS APRIL, he has been much better from May on I’m just highlighting my own here to point out that we out here taking risks.

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BEST HITTING PERFORMANCE, SINGLE GAME — Anthony Rendon (Titans) (4/30/17):  6-6, 5 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 10 RBIs

honorable mention— Trea Turner (OGTFC) (04/25/17) – 4-6, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 1 HR, 7 RBIs.

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BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE, SINGLE GAME — TIE  Robbie Ray (X-Rayz)(5/30/17):  9 IP, 0 ER 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA  but also Edinson Volquez (Isotopes)(6/3/17):  9 IP, 0 ER 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA

honorable mention— Max Scherzer (Banana Slugs) (5/31/17) – 9 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1 CG, 0.00 ERA, Stephen Strasburg (Titans) (5/27/17) – 7 IP, 0 ER, 15 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 0.00 ERA.

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BEST HITTING PERFORMANCE, FULL WEEK— Billy Hamilton (X-Rayz), WEEK 5:  Billy Hamilton’s Week 5 goes down as probably the prettiest JROLL I have seen all year and I WOULD KNOW because it came against me.  11 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 1 HR, 8 RBIs, 9 SBs, .429 OBP

honorable mention— Trea Turner, Week 4 (OGTFC)- 13 Rs, 5 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 11 RBIs, 1 SB, .432 OBP, Ryan Zimmerman, Week 4 (Banana Slugs)- 11 Rs, 2 2Bs, 5 HRs, 13 RBIs, .500 OBP. 

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BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE, FULL WEEK— Dallas Keuchel (Isotopes), WEEK 4: Mostly because I am not sure anyone else had a two start week in the midst of a CG week, and Dallas did here and it was a good one.  16.2 IP, 3 ER, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 2 W, 1 CG, 1.62 ERA

honorable mention— Max Scherzer (Banana Slugs) (Week 3)- 15 IP, 3 ER, 16 Ks, 2 QS, 2Ws, 1.80 ERA), Seung-Hwan Oh (OGTFC) (Week 3)- 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks, 5 Saves, 1.80 ERA.

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BEST TRADE— Toms River Titans Trade RF Jackie Bradley Jr. to Rojo’s Renegade Force for C JT Realmuto:  I spend so much time analyzing trades on this goddamned site that I don’t want to highlight any of the lopsided deals in “best trade” or “worst trade” I merely wanna talk about the BEAUTIFUL TRADES, and I mean is this one just a BEAUTY ALL THE WAY AROUND OR WHAT? The Titans pick up an excellent fantasy catcher currently near the tops o’ the league in runs scored for catchers (I liked Ryan’s side better) and RRF take a flyer on JBJr maintaining his numbers from 2016, which he didn’t and he was eventually dropped but STILL they gave it a shot. Two teams swapping sensibly folks.

honorable mention— Titans Trade JUpton, CarGo, Daniel Norris to QTC for Sano, Lindor, Harvey– I much prefer the Titans side here but I can see the deal from the other side KINDA, QTC Trade Bumgarner, Franklin Barretto, Addi Russell to the OGTFC for JD Martinez, Teheran, Aaron Sanchez – This one I liked cuz I at FIRST thought I was more on board with the QTC side and then the more I thought about it the more I concluded you don’t trade Bummy at this point in time, the best trades are the ones that make you THINK mannnnn.

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WORST TRADE— Barnegat Banana Slugs Trade SP Antonio Senzatela to Q-Tip City Morning Wood for Low Minors 1B Dominic Smith:  Again I am not going to go back and pick out the bad SIDES to deals because there have been plenty of bad sides, hell I have been the bad side. Instead I want to focus on trades that were so bad as to be arguably unnecessary, SUCH AS ABOVE. Just the worst trade ever, the entire league is worse for it having happened. In a week in which they were PLAYING no less……

dishonorable mention— QTC Trades High Minors RP Joe Jimenez to the OGTFC for RP Kyle Barraclough, Low Minors 1B Rhys Hoskins– ARGUABLY as unnecessary as the trade above and how dare you turn your back on the Tigers closer of the future Shane,  MooniniteZ Trade C Yasmani Grandal to QTC for High Minors 1B Dan Vogelbach– Because just LOOK at what you people made me do since nobody else would take Grandal as a complimentary piece in a deal even though he is a damned fine catcher both real and fantasy, Banana Slugs Trade Low Minors SP Josh Hader to the BDSliderz for High Minors 1B Dan Vogelbach– Because this one is unnecessary AT BEST and at worst it is a hideous (and unnecessary) move by Barnegat and also Vogelbach has been traded just tooooo many fucking times this season.

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FIRST HALF ANTI-ROLAIDS RELIEF MAN— Blake Treinen (FORMERLY MooniniteZ):  Sad but true, this piece of shit got annointed the Nats closer and I added him instead of another guy AND IT DID NOT WORK OUT AND THAT OTHER GUY HAS DOMINATED AND YOU MAY SEE HIS NAME COME UP REAL SOON (that’s called foreshadowing kids). Treinen only managed to notch 3 Saves and none of them came easy, his current numbers areeee:  24.1 IP, 18 ER, 21 Ks, 3 Saves, 4 Holds, 6.66 ERA CUZ HE IS THE FUCKING DEVIL.

dishonorable mention— Francisco Rodriguez (LAST SPOTTED with QTC)- GHad a closers gig and just COUGHED IT UP and is sitting out in FA land with an ERA a touch below 8, Neftali Feliz (LAST SPOTTED with the BDSliderz)- Same shit, had a closers gig and just THREW IT ALL AWAY and is now sitting in the FA pool with an ERA of 5.25.

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FIRST HALF ANTI-CY YOUNG— Kevin Gausman (Bad Dudes):  Kevin Gausman has sucked BUT MIKE CAN’T QUIT HIM but never mind HE EVENTUALLY QUIT HIM.    59.1 IP, 39 Ks, 4 QS, 3 Ws, 5.92 ERA 

dishonorable mention— Tyler Glasnow (OGTFC)- Glasnow has an INSANELY high WHIP and the only reason I didn’t make him Anti-Cy Young is I am not sure how good he was reasonably expected to be but he has been terrible let me make that abundantly clear, Danny Salazar (Bad Dudes)- He of the 5.40 ERA and the being sent to the bullpen even though Bad Dudes ownership has termed him “awesome”.

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FIRST HALF ANTI-MVP— Starling Marte (Banana Slugs):  For being a CHEATING CHEATER and getting himself suspended 80 games when he was supposed to be like an arguable top 5 OF.    7 Rs, 1 2B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, 2 SBs, .288 OBP

dishonorable mention— Carlos Gonzalez (Morning Wood)- HOW YOU ONLY GOT 17 RBIs IN THAT OFFENSE?!, Rougned Odor (Bad Dudes)- NICE .249 OBP BRUH, Byron Buxton (Titans)- NICE .549 OPS BRUH, Kyle Schwarber (RRF)- YOU SHOULDA BEEN TRADED LAST YEAR, Addison Russell (QTC to OGTFC)- YOU SHOULD BE BETTER BY NOW.

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FIRST HALF ROLAIDS RELIEF MAN— Greg Holland (Isotopes):  FUCKETY FUCK FUCK, on one hand good for Greg Holland but on the other hand I would have rather I just rolled with him due to him being the superior talent rather than grabbing Treinen due to the thinking that the Nationals would get many save opps and the Rockies would get few. The Rockies have gotten PLENTY.  21.2 IP, 3 ER, 30 Ks, 21 Saves, 1.25 ERA

honorable mention— Craig Kimbrel (Bad Dudes)- Kimbrel has probably been the best closer in baseball this season with a 1.07 ERA and a ridiculous 0.47 WHIP but also FUCK HIM for being a Red Sawk now, Andrew Miller (OGTFC)- 13 Holds and 37 Ks and he has only given up a lone run so his ERA sits at 0.33.

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FIRST HALF CY YOUNG— Chris Sale (Titans):  SAD BUT TRUE. Mostly cuz he has like 20 more Ks than anyone else in baseball right now, but also the sub 3 ERA and double digit QS.    84 IP, 27 ER, 119 Ks, 10 QS, 7 Ws, 2.89 ERA

honorable mention— Max Scherzer (Banana Slugs)- This fella has a pretty good case himself, Clayton Kershaw (Titans)- Because Clayton Kershaw always, Ervin Santana (Morning Wood)- I DON’T GET IT EITHER but the guy has like 2 CGs and 9 QS and 7 Ws and yea WTF, Ivan Nova (Banana Slugs)- For the similar to Santana 9 QS and 2 CGs even though he strikes out less than 5 per 9 which is fucking gross, Zack Greinke (Morning Wood)– SAD BUT TRUE the “not ideal” meme is officially dead.

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FIRST HALF MVP— Mike Trout (OGTFC):  Fantasy imitates life sometimes and I think Trout has been the best player in both thus far EVEN WITH him missing this last week and EVEN THOUGH he will not be SECOND HALF MVP due to injury and also EVEN THOUGH the OGTFC have struggled a bit….. I shall not blame him for that.    36 Rs, 14 2Bs, 2 3Bs, 16 HRs, 36 RBIs, 10 SBs, .461 OBP

honorable mention— Bryce Harper (Bad Dudes)– Here is your best argument for a non-Trout First Half MVP, Charlie Blackmon (Isotopes)- Although if it were up to me this guy might also garner some votes, Paul Goldschmidt (RRF), Aaron Judge (Isotopes), Eric Thames (X-Rayz)- If this was like First Quarter MVP it would be Thames.

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THIS YEAR’S CHAMPIONSHIP FAVORITE— I dunno I think I am going with me (MooniniteZ).

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THANK YOU ALL FOR TUNING IN TO THIS YEAR’S MIDSEASON MOONIEZ (All in on the name by the time I finished writing em up). Tune in next year for next year’s version of the midseason awards? Or do I do end of the year awards? Maybe I do some version of end of the year awards I don’t fucking remember. Tune in to whatever the fuck I tell you to tune into. Thank you.