2017 Week 5 Review: That One Got A Little Out Of Hand

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2017 WEEK FIVE WAS CRAAAAAAAAAZAYYYYYYYYY. TWO MATCHUPS HUNG IN THE BALANCE UNTIL THE LATEST STAGES OF THE SUNDAY NIGHT GAME THAT WOULD NOT DIE, AND THE TOMS RIVER TITANS FINALLY WON A MATCHUP. THE TROUT FISHING CLUB STILL HAVEN’T THOUGH. THIS ABOUT SUMS UP THE CRAZINESS BUT I WILL GO INTO IT IN (SLIGHTLY) MORE DETAIL BELOW…..

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Lacey Township BackdoorSliderz Claim Title Of Most Feared New Guy, Soundly Defeat Q-Tip City Morning Wood  –  10-3-1

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MVP:  Adam Duvall  –  It pains me to give this to Mr. Duvall because this blog has always prided itself on being very anti-Adam Duvall, often with little to no facts to back the opinion up. And now here he is putting up a week that was but a single stolen base away from a JROLL.  9/24, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .429 OBP     

LVP:  Carlos Gonzalez    CarGo had himself A Week To Forget in Week 5, similar to that A Walk To Remember movie but way more depressing (I’ve never seen it but I am assuming Shane has). 1/16, .118 OBP     ***LVP OF THE WEEK***

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BDSliderz Hitter Of Note:  Michael Conforto had a very nice little week so it is now fair to speculate on just how the Mets are going to fuck that up (8/24, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 HR, 7 RBIs, .467 OBP).

BDSliderz Pitcher Of Note:  Corey Knebel‘s work out of the bullpen impressed me here, as a respecter of  fine bullpen work (4 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks, 3 Holds, 0.00 ERA).

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  Jay Bruce certainly did his damnedest to make this thing go a different way for the Boner Squad, but alas it ’twas not to be (6/25, 6 Rs, 3 2Bs, 2 HRs, 9 RBIs, .345 OBP).

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  Amir Garrett rebounded nicely as a young kid coming off a disastrous outing against the Brewers, and now his biggest issue is only having 14 IP left of minors eligibility and a fastball that impresses nobody OH AND ALSO the fact that he just got sent down for innings management purposes (13 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.77 ERA).

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BATTLE OF THE NEW GUYS. This one amounted to not much of a battle at all, as Q Tip City got swept across the board in the offensive categories which makes it hard for one’s team to win one’s week. The BackdoorSliderz set the tone early in this one racing out to 14 Rs, 7 HRs, and 16 RBIs on Monday night. And they just never looked back folks. INTERESTINGLY the Sliderz ran out to 17 total HRs yet only one man on the team had more than 2 HRs and that guy only had 3 (Marcel Ozuna). As for the Engorged Penii, well they got 7 QS on the week and that ain’t bad? Not much more to be said here. SHANE CONTINUES TO BE HUMBLED.

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Next Week aka This Week:  BackdoorSliderz v. X-Rayz (Dochney attempts to thank Odom for bringing him in with an ass whoopin’), Morning Wood v. Renegade Force (Shane attempts to win another gotdamned week before the season ends).

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Rick Porcello
Look at this turd…..
Barnegat Banana Slugs Hand Rojo’s Renegade Force a Healthy Huwhoopin’, Win  –  9-3-2

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MVP:  Rick Porcello  –  Unfortunately Rick Porcello has not regressed enough this season to where we could trigger Brian over it but GIVE IT TIME I say, all I need is like a mildly rough June or something we are fake news anyways.  13 IP, 3 ER, 13 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.08 ERA

LVP:  Salvador Perez    Salvy chipped in 3 RBIs but was mostly just a minus out of the catcher position, which in his defense is often just a minus.  3/21, 3 RBIs, .174 OBP

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  The Slugs O had some pretttttty pathetic HR and RBI totals in Week 5, meaning Ryan Zimmerman accounted for precisely 33% of their HRs and 20% of their RBIs here (10/20, 6 Rs, 4 2Bs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs, .545 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  NOPE

Current Tally: Trevor Story 3, Aledmys Diaz 2.

But Also Was Trevor Story Better Than Chris Owings This Week?:  I dunno maybe

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  But hey at least Max Scherzer did typical Scherzer things (7 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.29 ERA).

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Renegade Force Hitter Of Note:  I don’t know why I keep feeling compelled to point out when Hunter Pence doesn’t do well but it has basically been all season and HERE I AM pointing it out again it must be something against the swing (5/24, 3 Rs, 1 HR, 3 RBIs, .200 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note:  That is moreeee like it Johnny Cueto (14 IP, 5 ER, 16 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 3.21 ERA).

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The Banana Slugs rebounded from a whiny Week 4 victory to put up another impressive and I think less whiny victory? I will have to check the chat logs, BUT YEA I think that was the case. And truly the Slugs have been the most snakebitten via injury team in all the league this year so credit has to be given for Brian steering them to a 3-1-1 record, tied with a bunch of other teams for first in all the land and in sole possesion of first in the (badly in need of a renaming) American Division or whatever. The Slugs got it done in Week 5 by putting up a tight 8 QS and being the only team to post a sub-3 ERA (2.842), always a commendable feat as it has only happened upon 3 other occasions in 2017. Good-lookin’ pitchin’ numbers across the board mixed with a high OBP and two all-important triples helped make up for an absolute POWER OUTAGE in Barnegat, as they racked up a mere 6 HRs and 25 RBIs. Nevertheless, they persisted. The Renegades of Rojoville actually put up fairly great power numbers (15 HRs, 49 RBIs), lead by Joey Gallo, Paul Goldschmidt, and Josh Harrison somehow. However they continue to be the only team openly punting a category and it continues to be the wrong category to punt of the two relief categories and they are not good enough to punt a category because just about nobody is good enough to do that in this league. BACK TO NINTH PLACE WITH YA.

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Next Week aka This Week:   Slugs v. Bad Dudes (Brian attempts to maintain a civil matchup with Lobman but not for very long), Renegade Force v. Morning Wood (Rojo attempts to be taken seriously with that fucking name and its corresponding record).

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Toms River Titans Get On The Board Folks, At The Expense Of The Astoria Isotopes  –  6-4-4

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MVP:  Clayton Kershaw  –  Bet you thought I was gonna give this to Baez, BUT THE PICTURES DON’T HAVE TO MATCH THE MVPS ALWAYS THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE SO FORMULAIC. In a matchup that hinged somewhat upon Ks and QS in the end, Clayton had more Ks than anyone not named Chris Sale and 2 of the 4 QS the Titans put up. Good enough for me.  13.1 IP, 4 ERs, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.70 ERA

LVP:  Khris Davis    Khris Davis, a man whom has given the ‘Topes so much in ’17, went out and gave them mostly nothing in (Week) 5.  5/26, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI, .222 OBP

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  Javier Baez did in fact have himself a JROLL though, and ‘ROUND HERE WE CELEBRATE JROLLS particularly when they come against former owners (11/29, 7 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, 2 SBs, .400 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  But also Chris Sale was pretty damn good and had his own case for MVP with all the Ks and such (14 IP, 6 ER, 21 Ks, 1 QS, 2 Ws, 3.86 ERA).

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Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  CODY BELLINGER JROLL, this young man has a bright future folks (9/21, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 12 RBIs, 1 SB, .455 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  Jeff Samardzija tossed himself a gem (but the Giants couldn’t grab him a W cuz they’re the Giants) in Week 5, which is annoying because then I have to type out his annoying last name and then I get sad when I realize I have memorized how to spell it (8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks, 1 QS, 0.00 ERA).

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FINALLY THE TITANS HAVE TASTED THE SWEET TASTE OF VICTORY. And one can only assume they like the taste, perhaps sweetened by coming at the expense of those uppity Astorians. The ‘Topes represented this as being one of those matchups that came down to Sunday night but DID IT EVER REALLY? I say no, miracle Aaron Judge triples aside. And that is perhaps the most interesting aspect of this matchup, as both squads ended up with 4 triples a piece and MAN must that be annoying to get 4 of those things and still not take the category. The ‘Topes dominated in HRs (17-12) but still came up 2 runs short against the TR Titans, and the Titans went 3-1-3 in pitching categories despite not exactly displaying the dominant pitching they were known for coming into this season (probably because the staff has been ravaged by injuries). For those scoring at home, Javier Baez outdueled Starlin Castro in a battle of mediocre middle infielders that were traded for one another. It seems Ben Zobrist might be fading away into nothing so keep an eye out for Javy going forward, kid’s got talent SO THEY SAY. Anyways the Titans are still in the Backyard Basement but at least the door to the upstairs has cracked open a bit. FEEL THE WARMTH OF THE LIGHT UPON YOUR FACES, TITANS.

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Next Week aka This Week: Titans v.  OGTFC (Titans attempt to keep the OGTFC sans wins and I think we can allll admit we want them to), Isotopes v. MooniniteZ (T attempts to avenge his fallen comrade).

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Point Loma X-Rayz Rally Via Yankee Reliever, Tie The Manchester MooniniteZ  –  6-6-2

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MVP:  YANKEES RELIEVERS  –  AThe two-headed monster of Dellin Betances and Aroldis Chapman came on late Sunday night to claw the X-Rayz back to a tie, a particularly cruel twist since the MooniniteZ have owned both of them in the past as recently as last season I think.  A combined 5.1 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, 1 W, 2 Saves, 2 Holds, 5.29 ERA

LVP:  Yasmany Tomas    This sonofabitch gave me nothing over 13 ABs, plus I already had Yasiel Puig in this spot from last week’s review so the laziest move would be to turn Yasiel to Yasmany.  1/13, .294 OBP   

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Billy Hamilton HAD HIMSELF THE WEEK OF HIS LIFE and while I didn’t even award it MVP performance of the matchup, this is your     ***MVP OF THE WEEK***     (11/31, 11 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 3Bs, 1 HR, 8 RBIs, 9 SBs, .429 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Jason Vargas continues to astounddd and amazeeee me with how not terrible he is all of a sudden (12 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.75 ERA).

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Matt Carpenter finally woke the fuck up, hitting more HRs last week than in alllll the other weeks combined to give him a serviceable 7 big flys on the season (7/21, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH EVERY HR THIS TEAM GETS IS A SOLO SHOT, .533 OBP).

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  Most of my pitchers were pretty fucking MEH last week but not Lance McCullers my precious (13.1 IP, 2 ER, 14 Ks, 2 QS, 1.35 ERA).

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Thissssss fucking matchup. It would be beneath me and contrary to the respect I have for my opponent here if we were to just go back and count missed opportunities for strikeouts or whatfuckingever, particularly because of the following sequence experienced by the X-Rayz:  Zack Wheeler goes 3 innings while only giving up one run against the Braves (who the fuck can remember how many Ks), then the game gets postponed and that start gets wiped away. In a reactionary move (I think) the X-Rayz turn to Wade Miley, a K artist this season for whatever reason, and he only makes it two outs into his Friday start before getting drilled by back-to-back comebackers and ending up forced out of the game. SO THAT puts to rest any talk about tough breaks one way or another (wahhhh Trevor Cahill got rained out), and so with that backdrop we ended up upon the Sunday night game. If the Cubs can yanno BE GOOD as they are supposed to they probably handle the Yankees at home and the X-Rayz two-headed NYY bullpen monster never sees the game, but the Cubs were not good and Dellin Betances appeared in the 8th inning with the X-Rayz needing 4 Ks to tie the MooniniteZ and 5 Ks to outright win the damn thing. And with the two Yankees relievers 5 Ks is DOWNRIGHT PROBABLY, which you really can’t say for any other relief duo in baseball outside of maybe those guys in Cleveland. ANYWHO Betances has a rocky inning but gets his 2 Ks, the Yankees fail to tack on an insurance run that might take this thing out of save territory, and in comes Aroldis Chapman in the 9th needing 2 Ks to tie 3 to win and Odom not giving a damn how many runs he gives up to get there. Chapman ends up being EQUALLY ROCKY and unfortunately that not giving a damn part has its limits; Chapman goes BB, single, K (now needs 1 to tie), single (run scores), single (2nd run scores), K (and we are now tied folks), eventual intentional BB, and then HITS Rizzo with the bases loaded to force in a 3rd run tying the game. Now if the Yankees leave him in it’s very possible he gets a 3rd K fucking EVENTUALLY and the X-Rayz win, but he was too shaky so he ends up leaving with a hold and this matchup ends up tied AS IT WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE. I’ve already spent too much time talking about this one but just want to end by saying Billy Hamilton maybe had the best line I have seen all year, without his many many runs the X-Rayz take the L before Sunday night starts and all that drama is wasted. BILLY FUCKING HAMILTON. Billy fucking…….Hamilton.

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Next Week aka This Week:  X-Rayz v. BDSliderz (X-Rayz attempt to jump back above .500 at the expense of the guy they brought into this mess of a league), MooniniteZ v. Isotopes (I attempt to avoid pedophilia jokes because they are just out of line)

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2017 WEEK 5 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY BROOKS BROTHERS

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Brooks Brothers………. SO MANY FUCKING TIES
 
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The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club Rally To Continue Their Magical Winless Season, Steal Tie From The Jaws Of Defeat, Tie The River City Bad Dudes In One Of The Craziest Matchups I Have Ever Seen  –  6-6-2

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MVP:  Mike Montgomery  –  Matchup MVPs are a funny thing, especially in the way that I can award them to some random reliever who just managed to pitch two scoreless innings with 2 Ks in an 18 inning Yanks-Cubs game.  2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, 0.00 ERA

LVP:  Patrick Corbin    If one is to assign blame one might assign it to the person most detrimental to the Bad Dude’ ERA’s health and that person was Patrick Corbin BUT I MEAN HE WAS IN COORS.  4 IP, 8 ER, 3 Ks, 18.00 ERA 

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  Not gonna lie to ya, most of the OGTFC hitters floated between “bad” and “fucking bad” and he probably deserved to lose but he tied instead and I guess Kris Bryant helped in that endeavor (10/29, 4 Rs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 2 RBIs, .457 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  Pitching was okay though, lead by Gerrit Cole and his fine two start performance (13 IP, 3 ER, 15 Ks, 2 QS, 2.08 ERA).

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Manny Machado spent the beginning of his week just angrily bashing taters against the Red Sox in between dodging bean balls (8/29, 7 Rs, 4 HRs, 8 RBIs, 1 SB, .323 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Rather than point out a good performance by sayyy Alex Cobb let’s point out another shit performance that helped cost the Dudes the ERA cat, Marcus Stroman everyone (3 IP, 5 ER, 2 Ks, 15.00 ERA).

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It is with great pleasure that I present to you, in 3 parts, the Bad Dudes snatching a victory from the jaws of a tie and then snatching a tie from the jaws of a victory.

ACT 1

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The Bad Dudes head into the Sunday night game with ALOTTA OPTIONS thanks to a Xander Bogaerts triple earlier in the day, now they simply need to avoid any flukey triples outta Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant and hope they scuffle enough at the plate to cost the OGTFC the tie (OBP was very close, and let me just COMMEND Heroy for playing for the W here fuck ties). Fast forward a bit to that Aroldis Chapman nightmare sequence above and at that time River City is still stuck in a tie and hoping for an unlikely Chap meltdown, PRECISELY WHAT THEY GET.

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ACT 2

Wade Davis enters in the top of the 10th and promptly strikes out the wholeeee fucking side, tying the Bad Dudes with the OGTFC and giving them the slim lead in ERA. Rejoicing in the streets of River City. A win that would give them sole possession of the (stupidly named) National Division or whatever firmly in their grasp, so long as this game gets over and done with in a prompt fashion. The game does not get over and done with in a prompt fashion.

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ACT 3

TWO POINT FIVE more innings go by. You would think at this point if Rizzo or Bryant had gotten out a few more times in this game OBP might have swung River City’s way once and for all, but Rizzo will end up with a .556 OBP on the day and Bryant a .333 and those won’t cut it. After going through Carl Edwards and Koji Uehara the Cubs are downright FORCED to go to Mike Montgomery, miraculously hanging out in one of the OGTFC’s SP slots. Montgomery fires two scoreless innings with 2 Ks (the game goes on another fucking 3 innings after that) and with those innings both ERA and Strikeouts return to the OceanGate Trout Fishing Club, and this mess ends in a tie. Your fair writer isn’t even sure if Lobman watched the whole thing at that point but your fair writer likes the mental image of it and thinks that mental image will be enough to keep your fair writer warm on the coldest of nights. WHATTA JOY. I only wish it happened later in the season with greater playoff implications, but we will get to later in the season soon enough. For now let’s all just savor this. Fuck both these teams though.

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Next Week aka This Week:  OGTFC v. Titans (Heroy maybe attempts to win a matchup? Not even sure he is even attempting to at this point), Bad Dudes v. Banana Slugs (The Bad Dudes attempt to beat the Banana Slugs badly and don’t let them tell you any differently with “love you Bri” messages in the chat and shit).

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WEEK 5 WAS OUR CRAZIEST WEEK YET BUT IT IS OVER NOW AND IT IS TIME FOR EVERYONE TO MOVE ON WITH THEIR LIVES. WEEK 6 YOU ARE UP.
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2017 Week 5 Review: That One Got A Little Out Of Hand

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