2017 Week 1 Review – New Beginnings

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White girls will put this quote in like a fucking frame and then throw it up on their dorm room walls in college.  Good old white girls……

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2017 WEEK ONE. EVERYONE OVERREACTING TO EVERY FUCKING THING THAT HAPPENS. Pitchers that probably still suck have one good game and all of a sudden have figured it all out. Hitters who are actually quite good got off to a bad first 20 ABs or so and owners are panicked. Backyard teams that will probably miss the playoffs have won their Week 1 matchups. Let’s dive into the matchups a bit and smack some SENSE into you senseless small sample size over-reactors (wish I coulda thought of an S word that meant overreaction).

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Point Loma X-Rayz Defeat Consensus #9 Pick Rojo’s Renegade Force In Our Biggest Week 1 Margin And It Was Only…  –  7-4-3

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MVP:  Daniel Murphy  –  Daniel Murphy paying IMMEDIATE dividends for the X-Rayz, but will it continue when he learns their owner was once interrogated by police while wearing a “Legalize Gay” t-shirt? 12/24, 5 Rs, 3 2Bs, 1 HR, 4 RBIs, .500 OBP  

LVP:  Nelson Cruz    Saddens me to say it but Nelly disappointed a bit in Week 1, “father time is undefeated yada yada” but IT IS EARLY. I still believe in him (check back in July). 2/25, 1 2B, 2 RBIs, .200 OBP

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X-Rayz Hitter Of Note:  Just my breakout pick Kevin Kiermaier doing breakout pick type shit (8/27, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 2 SBs, .406 OBP).

X-Rayz Pitcher Of Note:  Gotta be comforting to the X-Rayz to see Chris Archer get off to a good start in a 2 game Week 1 performance (14.2 IP, 4 ER, 13 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 2.45 ERA).

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Renegade Force Hitter Of Note:  One hitter for the RRF that didn’t disappoint was the ALSO OLD Matt Kemp, and I will still maintain that he sucks (8/16, 2 Rs, 4 2Bs, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs, .529 OBP).

Renegade Force Pitcher Of Note:  But back to disappointments, FROM MASAHIRO TO MASAZERO (7.2 IP, 10 ER, 8 Ks, 11.74 ERA).

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SADLY the Renegade Force caught the X-Rayz during a fluky week when they only managed one damned save and STILL lost. Which is unfortunate for them in their bid to avoid the #9 seed. The X-Rayz did typical X-Rayz shit winning triples and SBs but worked in a bit of a new wrinkle by posting a league-best .3607 OBP. Probably more of a small sample size thing than a trend thing but at this point in the season I CANNOT DECLARE THAT FOR CERTAIN. So I won’t.

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Next Week aka This Week:  X-Rayz v. Titans (Brotha from anotha motha vs. Actual brotha), Renegade Force v. Bad Dudes (AN ABSOLUTE MUST WIN MATCHUP FOR BOTH TEAMS).

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san-francisco-giants-1b-brandon-belt-avoid-agree-to-62m-one-year-dealDoes THIS look like the face of a man that gives a shit about your disapproval over his being traded for Syndergaard?

Q-Tip City Morning Wood Welcome Their Damn Selves To The League By Whooping Isotopes Ass  –  7-5-2

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MVP:  Brandon Belt  –  Alls Brandon Belt did was go out and make us ALL look like assholes by bemoaning the fact that he was the centerpiece of the return in a Syndergaard deal. Is all he did. I still bemoan it but for at least one week, week one, Belt told us all to fucking suck it by contributing something IN LITERALLY EVERY CATEGORY (which I will christen a JROLL based off of his magical 2007 season). 7/28, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 3 HRs, 7 RBIs, 1 SB, .364 OBP   ***MVP OF THE WEEK***

LVP:  Greg Bird    Bird deserves this for duping everyone with a super hot spring training and then coming out and proverbially shitting the proverbial bed in Week 1. 1/16, 1 2B, .167 OBP

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Morning Wood Hitter Of Note:  Who the hell saw Mike Moustakas hitting 3 HRs in the first week AMIRITE (8/23, 4 Rs, 3 HRs, 3 RBIs, .375 OBP)?

Morning Wood Pitcher Of Note:  Equally to my surprise, Zack Greinke and his not ideal spring training velocity was actually pretty good last week across 2 starts (11.2 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, 1 QS, 1 W, 1.50ERA).

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Isotopes Hitter Of Note:  Khris Davis off to a fine start for the ‘Topes for those Astorians trying to look on the bright side of things (9/25, 6 Rs, 2 2Bs, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, .414 OBP).

Isotopes Pitcher Of Note:  Dallas Keuchel also had himself a FINE week, if he is not shitty again that would be a great boost to the Isotopes going forward (14 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 0.64 ERA).

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To be honest “whooping Isotopes ass” feels a bit harsh in a 7 cat win but MAYBE this will pass for an ass whooping this year? Anyways the ‘Topes fell behind early and failed to catch up in the end. Basically their entire 2016 season in 2017 Week 1 form. Kudos to both teams for getting their full 14 starters and kudos to the Nocturnal Penile Tumescence for a well-rounded performance on the offensive side of things. NOT A BAD START for QTC.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Morning Wood v. Trout Fishing Club (New Guy vs. Defending Chump Champ), Isotopes  v. Banana Slugs (Essentially an episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy).

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Shoutout to that time Adam Eaton did a terrible tweet. I didn’t even give him week MVP but lets remember it anyways. HE COULD BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY.

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Barnegat Banana Slugs Remember (To Beat) The (Toms River) Titans  –  7-5-2

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MVP:  Jake Lamb  –  JAKE LAMB IS BACK FOLKS. Shaking off a poor 2nd half last season, Jake Lamb came out like gangbusters in Week 1 and both scored and knocked in a whole bunch of runs. So good on him. 7/28, 8 Rs, 2 2Bs, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .300 OBP

LVP:  Byron Buxton    The Byron Buxton pivot to superstardom remains on hold until further notice. 1/14, .133 OBP

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Banana Slugs Hitter Of Note:  Josh Donaldson had a typically great Josh Donaldson week and was rewarded with a Sunday (evidently minor) strain of his hamstring (8/23, 4 Rs, 3 HRs, 3 RBIs, .375 OBP).

Was Trevor Story Better Than Aledmys Diaz This Week?:  NO

Banana Slugs Pitcher Of Note:  Rich Hill once again got a blister and that is really all I want to talk about now and forever (5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 1 W, 1.80 ERA).

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Titans Hitter Of Note:  One should be encouraged by the early returns with Miguel Sano here if one owns Miguel Sano as he was ONE STEAL FROM A JROLL (7/20, 7 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 8 RBIs, .458 OBP).

Titans Pitcher Of Note:  Sam Dyson just did NOT do any favors for the Titans’ OBP last week (2 IP, 8 ER, 1 K, 36.00 ERA).

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The Banana Slugs had 1 HR and 3 RBIs as late as Thursday, and yet they gutted out a victory in spite of that nearly nonexistent offensive start. The Titans were simply outpitched, despite fairly strong starts from most of their staff. Sam Dyson‘s badddd bullpen performance and a bad start from a guy that knows a thing or two about bad starts (Michael Pineda) hurt the Titans in what would turn out to be a close ERA race, but give the Slugs credit for racking up 106 Ks and 8 Ws (along with a strong 6 save 5 hold performance from their pen, lead by 3 holds from Brad Brach and 3 saves from Zach Britton). Those pesky Orioles. You wouldn’t think it would happen very often that the Titans would put up 19 HRs and lose their week but that happened in Week 1, this is all happening, the climate is changing due to human influences, and that is that.

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Next Week aka This Week:  Banana Slugs v. Isotopes (I guess Brian is the Straight Guy which makes Mikey T the Queer Eye?), Titans v. X-Rayz (just to clarify Ryan is the Actual Brotha and Odom is From Anotha Motha).

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The cold dead eyes of a Bad Dude KILLER
The Manchester MooniniteZ Squeak Moonwalk Past The River City Bad Dudes, Win  –  7-6-1

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MVP:  Chris Owings  –  Christopher Owings only gave my MooniniteZ 9 ABs but LORDY were they timely, as his Sunday performance (3/4, 2 Rs, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 2 SBs) ended up basically winning the matchup for the MooniniteZ. The steals part did it, is what happened.  4/9, 3 Rs, 1 HR, 2 RBIs, 2 SBs, .444 OBP

LVP:  Yuli Gurriel    Because OF COURSE this is all his fault. I mean not really but someone needs to be LVP and he sucked.  2/21, 1 R, .095 OBP (YIKES)   ***LVP OF THE WEEK***

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MooniniteZ Hitter Of Note:  Yasmany Tomas is EXTRA of note here because both of these teams have contemplated rostering him several times this offseason, and he had a huge Saturday triple for the team that ultimately did (7/12, 3 Rs, 3 2B, 1 3B, 4 RBIs, .583 OBP).

Was Aledmys Diaz Better Than Trevor Story This Week?:  YES

MooniniteZ Pitcher Of Note:  The key with Lance McCullers is watching the K/BB ratio and the MooniniteZ were greatly encouraged by the 17/2 ratio this particular (13 IP, 4 ER, 17 Ks, 2 QS, 1 W, 1.77 ERA).

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Bad Dudes Hitter Of Note:  Fucking Mitch Haniger would have greatly troubled me if I had lost, that guy was all the fuck over us (6/28, 8 Rs, 1 2B, 3 HRs, 4 RBIs, 1 SB, .333 OBP).

Bad Dudes Pitcher Of Note:  Kevin Gausman just FAILED TO GET IT DONE across 2 starts and I don’t know what else to say about it, the Bad Dudes needed quality and got none (10 IP, 6 ER, 8 Ks, 5.40 ERA).

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This one was close all week and close to the bitterrrr end, as the Dudes still had a miracle’s chance at a tie if Giancarlo Stanton could come up with a miracle triple in the Sunday night game (or two steals, which, no). Apart from the competitiveness that was exhibited throughout the story might have been BULLPEN BLOWUPS, as I think I counted like 12 ER from the Bad Dudes ‘pen and like 14 ER from my own. Not ideal. 4 categories were decided by 1 uhhh THING or less, with another 2 decided by 2 things or less. So one way to look at it would be to say that this very clearly could have gone the other way. The way I prefer to look at it is the Bad Dudes are lucky we didn’t BEAT THEM BETTER, or something. These teams won’t meet again until Week 9 which gives me lots of time to make little comments here and there until then.

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Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. Three-Eyed Fish (I intend to beat him for his poor Week 1 attention to detail), Bad Dudes v. Renegade Force (again just cannot stress enough that the loser of this matchup should probably just pack it in for 2017).

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2017 WEEK 1 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, SPONSORED BY BUDWEISER

BUDWEISER! Drink because America is a shitty dead dream and any sappy bullshit pro-diversity Super Bowl commericals we pump out cannot change that one unmistakable truth.
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Forked River Three-Eyed Fish Forked River Fuck Up And Tie The OceanGate Trout Fishing Club  –  5-5-4

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MVP:  Eduardo Nunez  –  Eduardo Nunez got off to a quick little start for the OGTFC and the Giants both, but WILL IT LAST? WILL HIS SHOULDER HOLD UP? AM I JUST DEFLECTING CUZ I SHIPPED HIM OUT FOR A MINOR LEAGUER?  9/27, 4 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 RBI, 4 SBs .379 OBP

LVP:  Marcel Ozuna (by way of Connor)    Poor Marcel doesn’t even really DESERVE the LVP award but he is saddled with it anyways, as his mere presence in the 3EF lineup for the Sunday night game and the 0/3 he put up in said game doomed this matchup to an ENTIRELY AVOIDABLE tie.  1/14, .133 OBP

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OGTFC Hitter Of Note:  As usual Mike Trout lived up to the pressure that comes with having an awful team name in your honor (7/25, 3 Rs, 2 2Bs, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 7 RBIs, .367 OBP).

OGTFC Pitcher Of Note:  Julio Teheran pitched two scoreless games and got zero wins to show for it cuz Braves (13 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, 2 QS, 0.00 ERA).

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3EF Hitter Of Note:  Freddie Freeman WITH THE JROLL, which I am going to make a thing no matter what (9/26, 4 Rs, 1 2B, 1 3B, 2 HRs, 2 RBIs, 1 SB, .393 OBP).

3EF Pitcher Of Note:  Brandon Kintzler because it is just wild to me that he even got 3 save OPPORTUNITIES last week, let alone converted em all (4.1 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks, 3 Saves, 0.00 ERA).

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By now we all sort of have the story here:  late Sunday afternoon the OGTFC’s owner was passive aggressively threatening to play soccer video games or something, declaring the matchup all but over, and WITH COMPETENT ONE LEAGUE ONLY OWNERSHIP it would have been. But the 3EF owner left a guy in for the night game when they had nothing to gain and plenty to lose and the fantasy baseball gods won’t stand for that, so said guy went 0-3 and they ended up tying in OBP. Don’t tell me he was fucking grading papers or something, this is why we stress that there are no other leagues. But honestly if it was just about anyone other than Connor and I had noticed beforehand (I wasn’t paying any attention to much of anything yesterday due to long Saturday evening) I would have given them the heads up, because FUCK THE DEFENDING CHAMPION. I mean that is the correct and proper response for the whole league to adopt. So let us get on the ball. Not much else to be said here, except it’s kinda IMPRESSIVE that this was a tie of the 5-5-4 variety usually those are more of the 6-6-2 variety. SISTER KISSERS (let the record show that I would kiss Heroy’s sister but would only kiss Connor’s sister, should one exist, if she doesn’t resemble him at all).

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Next Week aka This Week: Three-Eyed Fish v. MooniniteZ (Connor will need better attention to detail those MooniniteZ are just a really really tough team), Trout Fishing Club v. Morning Wood (Maybe this time if a team has the OGTFC defeated let’s not let them off the hook)

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TUNE IN TO WEEK 2 FOR EVEN MORE SHENANIGANS
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2017 Week 1 Review – New Beginnings

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