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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  Lobman! That motherfucker. I sort of view Lobman as the matriarch of this particular group, only because it’s fun to call him a (hairy) woman. And UNFORTUNATELY personal attacks aside he is a strong competitor year in and year out, and this year should be no different. In his spare time Lobman enjoys losing like a lot of weight and exchanging Jeeps for newer Jeeps every. fucking. year. MAYBE LOOK INTO A HYBRID VEHICLE? You burgeoning vegetarian piece of shit. BEST OF LUCK TO DICKHEAD LOBMAN IN THE UPCOMING SEASON! (Also please note this post says “by Mike Lobman” because Lobman CLEARLY tried to get in here and interfere with my hard-hitting #analysis and bungle it up all to shit. SAD! And also TYPICAL LOBMAN! But yea, that didn’t happen so this post remains un-compromised unfiltered truth haymakers right into your fucking facehole.)

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  SP Danny Salazar, RP Wade Davis, RP Craig Kimbrel, SP/RP Joe Kelly, SP Steven Matz maybe, LF Michael Brantley maybe but probably not

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  Their Cuban identity, SS Troy Tulowitzki I guess maybe

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THE HITTERS!:  The Bad Dudes have a core lineup that can compete with anyone. There I said it. The prize jewel I GUESS would be Bryce Harper, the guy who had the best season since Bonds in 2015 and then came back down to Earth a bit in 2016 but made sure to steal 21 bags just to try and make up the difference for fantasy owners. He will be very good for a very long time and should remain in Lobman’s clutches forever. Equally entrenched is Manny Machado , whom is also really really good, and the Orioles keep gifting him with SS eligibility which certainly helps his standing…. let’s call himmm a top 10 bat. Giancarlo Stanton is here and if he ever stayed healthy who knows how many goddamn HRs he could hit, he hit a HR in the WBC that had a 117.3 mph exit velocity. Which is ridiculous. And now with less September in our fantasy seasons (Giancarlo loves missing September games) the Bad Dudes should benefit. Jose Abreu is a very good fantasy 1B, Rougned Odor is a great fantasy 2B (33 HRs in spite of a sub .300 OBP in 2016), Hanley Ramirez and Xander Bogaerts are two very productive fuckfaces, YOU GET THE IDEA. Oh and also Nomar Mazara, David Dahl, and Wilson Contreras are all young players with the potential to be quite good quite soon. River City is in good shape on the hitting side of things is what I am saying. Save for their currently messy utility situation and Yuli Gurriel, who is old and shittier than several of the third base options currently just sitting there in the FA pool.

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THE ROTATION!:  This rotation, this rotation has received a nice little face lift this offseason. It is not without questions but it also holds promise. The title of staff ace would seem to go to young Cards righty Carlos Martinez, fresh off a 20 QS 2016. He is joined by other young pitchers who have the possibility to be great and the possibility to have “young pitcher” type struggles, such as AL East arms Kevin Gausman and Marcus Stroman. Sonny Gray will be back and Lobman will hope he doesn’t suck again, as will Jameson Taillon whom I love and not just cuz he is named like the whiskey. JAMESON TAILLON SHALL BE GREAT. But those aren’t the new additions I alluded to, the new additions are Danny Salazar  (Lobman’s beloved) and Steven Matz whom were acquired in Shane’s “new owner fire sale” and “new owner quest to get rid of the 80 Mets on his team,” respectively. And hey maybe Tyson Ross makes an epic comeback in 2017, which would be poetic as he helped the Cuban Missiles (RIP) capture the chip in 2015. Since this is Lobman’s team/my Week 1 opponent I can’t end any section without critiquing it, so let me just add the OVERALL LIST here has as much performance risk as any rotation in the league. Really C-Mart is the only guy I would fully trust here. PS fuck Stroman, he’s a midget and he will have average numbers across the board because he is average.

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THE BULLPEN!:  The Bad Dudes BP is quietly solid as we head into the 2017 season, perhaps not as FLASHY as some other bullpens with higher ceilings but with a very very high floor. As long as Wade Davis avoids arm issues he will be a great addition to River City, racking up saves and strikeouts for baseball’s best team. Roberto Osuna has shown himself to be a capable closer in his 1.5 seasons in the role, one with a 97 mph fastball. Which is helpful. Francisco Rodriguez should remain a capable veteran closer for at least a while longer, ALTHOUGH (cue critique) father time is clearly coming for him and if his peripherals continue to dip and he loses effectiveness there’s arms in the Tigers system waiting for the job (but just one really, it belongs to Joe Jimenez). With a 22% K rate in 2016 K-Rod is K-Rod no more is what I am trying to inform you people. Lobman went and got Craig Kimbrel which totally ruined my critique, Kimbrel is good and will rack up saves and approach 100 Ks if healthy AND YEA WE GET IT. And so now TO END ON ANOTHER POSITIVE NOTE, the ever-competent (there’s that word again) Lobman made a quietly excellent pick in our “first year player draft” and brought in Joe Kelly, SP eligible Red Sawx reliever. Kelly could very well end up being very valuable in 2017, injuries in the Sawx pen already have him lined up as Kimbrel’s top setup man to begin the season and that is a role he can thrive in all year long. A real smart draft pick from a real smart owner. Now to reverse course and END ON A NEGATIVE NOTE, if you are trying to maximize the value of an SP-eligible reliever you really need your 4 relief spots filled up and the Bad Dudes at press time only have the 3 guys above. So they should remedy that because they are better than this NOPE that sonofabitch went ahead and grabbed high minors eligible RP Dan Altavilla, a guy most of us have probably never heard of that looks set up to open as the Mariners top setup man. FUCK do I ever hate it when Lobman does something smart with his roster (at least he still has Yulieski).

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THE OUTLOOK!:  TO THEIR DESERVING CREDIT the Bad Dudes added some solid rotational pieces this offseason, all without giving up much of anything of value (the loss of their cuban identity probably their biggest offseason subtraction). That could bode well for a team that FAMOUSLY had to put together a flurry of deadline trades (trading their dignity among other pieces) just to grab a few arms for their title run in 2015. They followed that title up with yet another run to the championship round, as a 6 seed no less, and this team has enough talent and managerial competence to become only the 2nd team ever to appear in 3 straight championships. OF COURSE the first team to do so won all 3 of those but yanno…..I’m sure you are all aware of that. Anyways the Bad Dudes should be a handful again in 2017, they have shown they know how to win and have a strong core. Blind affinity for Yuli Gurriel will be their downfall, I hope, because I have spent the better part of this preview putting that (old) man down.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  11-6-1, 3rd place.