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KNOW YOUR OWNER!:  ALLEGED REAL PERSON AND NOT JUST A FRONT FOR A SECOND MIKEY T TEAMS/GUY WITH AN INTERESTING INTERPRETATION OF THE MEANING BEHIND THE TERM “FUCKFACE,” CONNOR! I know we are all supposed to be playing nice with Mikey T’s betrothed, and to his credit he uhhh showed up in a GroupMe chat. And allegedly responds to trade offers now. And truth be told I don’t have any personal ill will towards him and am not sure I have ever spoken a word to him “irl.” But ALSO Connor will forever be the owner of the team that handed the 3PO dynasty it’s only playoffs defeat, and so fuck him and I am glad to slot him in at #9 here. Because Connor’s team (RIP McGibblets 😦 ) sucked last year. Who knows or cares what Connor enjoys. BEST OF LUCK TO CONNOR IN THE UPCOMING SEASON!

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KEY ADDITIONS!:  1B Freddie Freeman, RF Adam Duvall, AJ Pollock if he stays healthy

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KEY SUBTRACTIONS!:  THE MCGIBBLETS NAME, SP Jose Quintana, 1B Wil Myers, RP KEN GILES

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THE HITTERS!:  Credit where credit is due because the 3EF went out and got the best available (apparently he was available, why is he always so available) hitter via trade this offseason, in a one Freddie Freeman (Note: I will entertain arguments for Francisco Lindor being the best player traded but SAVE IT FOR THE PUNCHOUTS PREVIEW DAY). Freddie Freeman, forever immortalized in the worst trade of the modern era, was shipped from the ‘Topes to the 3EF a few weeks ago in a trade that was more reasonable (SURPRISE SURPRISE). He will be good in 2017. The 3EF also have a top 3 fantasy catcher (Jonathon Lucroy), THE top 2nd basemen and probably top 5 in allll of fantasy (Jose Altuve), and an arguable top 3 fantasy shortstop (Jonathan Villar). And Villar is an interesting case, as he exploded onto the fantasy scene last year (to refresh, 19 HRs, 62 SBs, 38 doubles, 3 triples, 92 Rs, 63 RBIs, .369 OBP). SURELY 2016 was Villar’s career year, so the debate will move to how much of any of it is repeatable, but even 65-75% of that is an amazing goddamned season for a player that will likely spend most of his time at second base this season. And so SURELY all of us that failed to grab him off waivers in time and watched him go to Connor instead feel a little sad about that. Elsewhere around this offense you have various HR mashers (Mark Trumbo, Adam Duvall, JD Martinez, Albert Pujols), a criminally underrated in OBP leagues Carlos Santana, and a returning-from-injury-plagued-2016 AJ Pollock. Pollock was the fantasy darling of 2015 (20 HRs, 39 ABs, .369 OBP), almost a Villar before Villar was cool, and how much of that magic he can recapture will help determine how dangerous this offense can be.

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THE ROTATION!:  The big 3 for this rotation are Jacob DeGrom, Carlos Carrasco, and Kyle Hendricks. Hendricks pitched to a 2.13 ERA in 2016 and that will obviously fall a bit, how far depends upon what you think of Hendricks overall (I THINK IT WILL FALL QUITE A BIT). DeGrom and Carrasco will provide solid Ks per inning for the 3EF, DeGrom a bit of an injury risk but WHAT PITCHER ISN’T these days. Beyond those solid three the next best pitcher might just be Drew Pomeranz (3.32 ERA, 9.81 K/9 in ’16), and beyond him lies a bunch of who fucking knows. Drew Smyly, Joe Ross, and Alex Cobb could all be pretty great this season but could also all be pretty injured or pretty just okay. So a wide range of outcomes, but at least none of them should be particularly bad? And then there is Ian Kennedy, whom is Ian Kennedy. He probably gets traded to the Isotopes at some point.

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THE BULLPEN!:  This bullpen mildly offends me I’ll be honest, as someone whose very DYNASTY was built upon strong bullpen work. Brandon Maurer is incredibly mediocre and will be giving up his closer’s gig with a quickness, Tony Watson is perhaps slightly above mediocre but only slightly, and then there’s Neftali Feliz and Daniel Hudson. Honestly Feliz has the most potential of this group, he should open with the Brewers closing gig, but it remains to be seen how much of his 2016 was Pirates Pitchin’ Magic and how much was a true comeback of sorts for the former Rangers prospect. Daniel Hudson sucks, but may end up taking Tony Watson’s job in Pittsburgh because that bullpen is just a mess of names. A real LOW ENERGY bullpen in Forked River.

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THE OUTLOOK!:  The Three-Eyed Fish sometimes get overlooked due to their Mikey T’s puppet of an distant owner and the fact that they sucked the past two years, but PRIOR to that let us all remember that they ran all the way to the championship in their inaugural season. The team’s name may have changed but almost all of their solid pieces on offense have returned, and if the pitching staff stays healthy and if they look into actually fielding a bullpen worth a damn this team could easily be back in the playoffs. The last time that happened they made some noise AND ENDED A DYNASTY, so it would be wise for opponents not to sleep on the 3EF in 2017.

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SEAN’S PREDICTION!:  9-8-1, 7th place.  ALL THAT BEING SAID, I think this will be a particularly brutal year in the league with the 18 week format and I see the 3EF losing a lot of heartbreakers due to lax bullpen work or lax management.  We can’t all make the playoffs folks.