The time is almost upon us, friends. SOURCES SAY the league may open up today (2/15), and we will then begin to prep for our 10th season in a way we haven’t in previous years. There are well documented new policies (thank you current commissioner) that are being enacted for the 2017 season, so we have had to have some discussion on just how the rollout for 2017 will begin. This is predicated on the RUMOR that the league will open up today, but here’s the gist:
League will open up on 2/15 with current roster lock still in effect.
All DL situations must be cleaned up prior to any trades completed or draft (due to roster space issues)
Once the league page is opened up and DL issues are cleared for all teams, a 3 DAY trading period will begin.
Trading period will be processed by commissioner
DRAFT POSITION COULD BE TRADED PER ROUND
Once trading period (2/15 to 2/17) ends, rosters will be cleaned up and the order for the Draft will be distributed.
Draft will be conducted in a SPECIAL GROUPME CHAT, just so we don’t muddy up the draft with conversation. Conversation on that particular chat will be limited to “on the clock” and then “Draft selection”
Draft will be fixed 1-10 in nature (NOT SNAKED)
Initial draft order will be in reverse regular season standing order (10th place picks first, and so on)
Draft picks can be traded during the draft (assuming you’re not next), under the rule of the commissioner and the parameters clearly spelled out on the League chat.
You have the right to PASS on your draft picks, and just pick when the draft completes.
You have roughly 1 HOUR to make your draft pick, and you shall be prompted to make said pick.
If you do not make the pick in that time, you will be PASSED on your remaining picks.
NO FUCKING EXCEPTIONS
You do NOT necessarily have to pick a minor leaguer, or bring your roster up to compliance at the time of the draft completion.
I mean, basically that’s it. Once the draft is completed, all of the players will be put on waivers for a period of 2 days, and the league will open for business after the waiver period. You will be mandated to bring your roster to the effective minor league compliance by the night before baseball starts (3/31). This is inflexible, and there will be a penalty article posted on the blog once drafted up by our dear commissioner.
River City Cuban Missiles (formerly River City Mashers, likely soon to be River City Somefucking Thing Else) owner Mike Lobman loveeeeees to brag about his two championships, conveniently leaving out it took him like twenty seasons to get them both (number of seasons it took me: 2). He also loooooves to discuss “all time wins” with Mikey T, as if regular season wins fucking matter (particularly sad in Mikey T’s case, he of the [roughly] 3-9 postseason record). And the last thing he likes to brag about (in fantasy baseball terms, we are leaving aside things like thermostats and walkway stones and back splashes and other lame “adult” shit that he is also perfectly comfortable bragging about) is his willingness to WHEEL AND DEAL! HE’S A DEALS MAN! LOVES TO MAKE DEALS! Well this post is about when those deals go wrong.
I am listing the 5 worst deals BY LOBMAN FOR LOBMAN of the “modern era” here, which in this case I am designating as the past 2 years only. This is for a very important reason: the past two years are the first two years when Odom and I were separated, leaving me no longer able to TALK SENSE into that guy when he wants to do wild trades (see Vol. 6 for more Odom potshots). Couple that with the excellent job Odom did of pretty much singlehandedly hyping up a trade deadline that for years had been relatively quiet, and you can see where the process of quantity go up quality go down might have taken hold. But NO EXCUSES PEOPLE (Lobman), let’s look at the worst trades the Missiles have been a part of in the past two years……. in reverse order…..
The Trade: River City Cuban Missiles trade fantasy baseball darling of the 2015 summer Kyle Schwarber to the WVU Bombers (Rojo) for Tyson Ross.
The Take: This one gets a bit of a pass because the Missiles ultimately won their second championship in 2015 (took them long enough) and Tyson Ross was pretty nasty in 2015. HOWEVER, still not a great trade simply because you could have extracted MORE. 2015 Kyle Schwarber was Gary Sanchez before Gary Sanchez showed up and showed how much better he is than Kyle Schwarber. Back then, Schwarbs was destined to continue to maintain catcher eligibility and continue to rake (now the first part isn’t so certain). To trade that asset to a non-contending team and only get one piece back is a bit disappointing. Tyson Ross, lord knows I love him, but he has always fallen a wee bit short of a #1.
The Trade: That stupid PTBNL deal with Brian, I don’t even want to dignify it with specifics. Trevor Bauer was involved.
The Take: This trade sucked less for the players involved than for what it REPRESENTED, which was nothing short of an attempt to undermine the very fabric of the league. The trade prompted an immediate outcry because it essentially boiled down to Brian trying to trade a piece for the rights to Lobman’s best non-keeper the next offseason, a slippery slope at best. Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves, but this troll post is focusing on Lobman so SHAME ON YOU LOBMAN.
The Trade: River City Cuban Missiles trade Chris Archer and Carlos Rodon to the Pine Lake whatever they were at the time (Ryan) for Jeff Samardzija.
The Take: GOOD LORD this one looks bad, kinda makes me want to put it ahead of the next one but the next one was part of that ill-received championship offense teardown so let’s leave that there. But EW. We all know how Lobman’s Shark saga went. He had to sit there and watch him be terrible for most of the goddamned year before finally (mercifully) giving up on him prior to the playoffs, which lead to unethical PTBNL deals and un-saavy deals for Tyson Ross and hey what do yanno I am basically summarizing this whole goddamned list. Chris Archer went on to be really really good for Odom (cuz Ryan traded him for Strasburg, FAR MORE DEFENSIBLE) in 2015, before being more like just okay last year, but this year he will probably be good again next year. Carlos Rodon will maybe be really really good any day now or maybe he will just be like Francisco Liriano, but in any case those two good to great pitchers for that one awful Shark year that did not work out one bit.
The Trade: River City Cuban Missiles trade Anthony Rizzo with no sense of loyalty whatsoever/cuz they were bored to the OGTFC (Heroy) for Troy Tulowitzki and Zack Greinke.
The Take: It’s all about the trolling TIMING, Michael. I once traded Anthony Rizzo before he ever took an AB for my team, because I didn’t like his face and didn’t know if he could trulllly hit lefties even though he had already proven at that point that he could. But you, you took a guy that was a CORNERSTONE of your championship run and you traded him for two sacks of shit. Apologies, it was one sack of shit pitcher who was coming off a career year NEVER PAY FOR THE CAREER YEAR. And then an old sack of shit shortstop whom is never healthy and on a steaddddddy decline at a time when shortstops are EVERYWHERE. Why pay for a shorstop. Aledmys Diaz’s grow on trees these days.
The Trade: River City Cuban Missiles trade a scorching hot FreddieFreeman to the Springfield Isotopes (T) for a losing his job in front of everyone’s eyes Trevor Rosenthal.
The Take: SEE IT IS ALL ABOUT THE TIMING, MICHAEL. If you are making this sort of trade in spring training because you think Rosenthal is gonna save 50 games and Freeman is going to fucking SOMEHOW struggle to the point where he is only worth a closer then at least you can defend that as you miscalculating some sort of not so distant future. NOT THE CASE HERE. This trade was accepted on June 27th, and on June 27th Trevor Rosenthal had a 5.40 ERA. He was very clearly going to very soon lose his job to the superior talent that is Sueng Hwan Oh (love me some Oh). Beyond that he is just a closer and Freddie Freeman is Freddie Freeman. “But but but Sean”, some asshole who thinks questions are allowed during this might say. “But Sean didn’t Freeman have a really bad start to the year?” He certainly did, and so again TIMING means maybe in April this trade makes some sort of sense. Lobman thinks Freeman is messed up or hurt or something, ditch him while you still can. But let’s look at what Freeman did in June: .426 OBP, .656 SLG, 9 doubles, 4 triples, 5 HRs, 13 runs, 14 RBIs, FUCKING EVEN THREW IN TWO STEALS. WORST TRADE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN THIS LEAGUE, and I was away in the woods of Delaware so I wasn’t able to point that out because apparently nobody else fucking saw it somehow. If nobody suggested a veto there our league veto system is dead. DEAD I SAY.
So there are the 5 worst trades of the past 2 years for this highly celebrated by their own owner franchise, with no room for alternative interpretations whatsoever. That is your list. HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF LOBMAN.
Before I begin the process of badmouthing our new commish, LET ME FIRST BADMOUTH ALL OF YOU. There is a fun joke thrown out here and there where I am given no credit for my role in the only dynasty this league has ever seen or probably will ever see, and I actually quite enjoy that joke. That is a fun joke. Good clean comedy. The other and far sadder joke on this topic is the one where people try and asterisk the 3-peat by basically going with the line of thinking that you all couldn’t beat us, for three glorrrrrious years in a glorrrrrious row, simply because you didn’t have a co-owner. Think that one through, is what I am asking of you people. Follow that to its logical conclusion and it just sounds sadddddd, sounds sad every time someone says it. Don’t admit in a public forum that you weren’t capable of winning a FANTASY BASEBALL CHAMPIONSHIP without somebody to help you make your widdle decisions and set your widdle lineup. PATHETIC. All of you. Pathetic. Affronts to the fantasy baseball gods.
Now, on to me taking credit for every championship and then blaming Odom for the death of the dynasty. I don’t think anyone is ever going to win 3 in a row in this league ever again (apologies to the O-G-T-F-C but that shit is T-O-U-G-H) and I take as much pride as possible for a fantasy sport accomplishment for what Odom and I were able to accomplish. Now indulge me while I point out why I deserve all the credit for our successes (the vegan part of this post) and Odom deserves all the blame for the failed 4-peat (the meaty part of this post)…..and possibly the death of Oscar Taveras.
TO THE YEARS >>>>>>
Result: FIRST CHAMPIONSHIP
Why Sean deserves all the credit: I dunno I barely remember this one, IN ACTUALITY there was a pretty even split of personnel decision making particularly after the 3rd owner went by the wayside. I must have come up with the Jimbo’s Vulcan Death Grip name though (later found out that move is more of a face mush than a choke but oh fucking well). And for that, and for the fire it lit under the boys, SEAN DESERVES ALL THE CREDIT.
Result: SECOND CHAMPIONSHIP (Back 2 Back)
Why Sean deserves all the credit: It was either this year or the previous year that Odom traded Brandon Beachy for David Robertson and I yelled at him about it. But that trade super duper worked out. But I dunno aside from that trade WHAT DID HE DO? Surely you don’t remember. I don’t remember. Surely he doesn’t remember (drugs). Idefinitely remember I picked up Edwin Encarnacion off the FA pool at the beginning of the year though, and voted to keep him over (2012 NL RBI leader) Chase Headley. Also this was the year we cut Mark Trumbo during the playoff run because he was racking up DNPs, and I don’t think Odom was against it at all but for the sake of this post I am saying he was vehemently against it. And that kinda move is the kinda move that brought us the championship. And so, in the absence of any credible evidence to the contrary, SEAN DESERVES ALL THE CREDIT*.
*Note: On the last night of the playoffs matchup with Lobman I was definitely in a Folly Beach tequila bar trying to take home a pink-haired waitress so Odom was definitely physically making the moves with regards to sitting guys to preserve OBP leads BUT I stepped outside to take a phone call on the decision. Which makes me even more deserving of all the credit, in my humble opinion.
Result: THIRD CHAMPIONSHIP (Back 2 Back 2 Back)
Why Sean deserves all the credit: Now this year, IN MY RECOLLECTION, is one where Odom’s lifestyle (drugs) or lifestyle (I dunno liquore store managing?) kept him away from a lot of the day to day spot start picking up business and WHO PICKED UP THE SLACK YOU ASK? I did. I also put in the waiver claim for a one Matt Carpenter, he of the 55 doubles in 2014. I also uhhhh, I dunno did some other stuff. This was by far our most difficult (only difficult) championship matchup, credit to Heroy, and I most definitely streamed some closers and picked up Latroy Hawkins for some Mets-Marlins doubleheader in which he notched a crucial save. What more needs to be said here? SEAN DESERVES ALL THE CREDIT.
Result: FUCKING FAILURE
WHY ODOM DESERVES ALL THE BLAME AND POSSIBLY KILLED OSCAR TAVERAS: This year started out much like the last two, with the supremely cocky and confident duo (that was us) seeking a fourth straight championship. There was legitimate conversation about quitting the league if we won 4 in a row and declaring there was nothing left to accomplish, but ALAS. Again I am going to make accusations that Odom’s lifestyle forced me to make the majority of the spot start moves, and again I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday (fake chicken I think, stylized as chick’n).
Probably the defining moment of our season, a symbol of all that went wrong, is when that CONFUSING minor leagues system put us in the situation as follows: I was dropping Oscar Taveras from our majors roster thinking he was still protected by the safety net of our minors team, when in fact Odom had dropped him from our minors team (I never paid much attention to the minors teams) just to shuffle around some minor league dickheads. And THEN after learning of our misstep and cruelly being barred from having a takesies backsies, we had to trade Addison Russell* to get him back. One can see how all of this back and forth and added pressure on fantasy Oscar Taveras could have lead to real life person Oscar Taveras dying that offseason. ONE CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT
*Fun fact: Addi was the only minors guy I ever really picked up, to make up for me pushing the Profar-for-Zobrist trade so hard prior to the uhhh previous season I think? And just LOOK how that turned out, yet another mostly mutual thing I feel I deserve sole credit for.
While not the dominant season of one year prior, we entered the playoffs once again the #1 seed (Ryan probably a far superior team as the #2 seed) so CAN’T REALLY COMPLAIN. Now allow me to complain about us blowing our matchup with out-of-work bridge ogre and then-named McGibblets team owner Connor, in bullet form:
Prior to even beginning these points I want to point out that I am still flummoxed when I look over this box score, we had a pretty damn good week and it just was NOT ENOUGH
My first and probably best point, if Odom is such a MASTER OF THE STEALS then how come our team lost steals 16-1? RIDDLE ME THAT?
My second point, we uhhhh. We lost OBP, even though .3265 isn’t a bad OBP by any means, but we lost OBP and Odom’s teams since have historically yielded low OBPs so PROBABLY NOT A COINCIDENCE.
We gave Yovani Gallardo a start? And he gave up 5 runs in 5 innings and we lost ERA 3.249 to 2.710? I dunno feels like Odom’s fault.
We only had 79Ks that week and if you look since that time we have both fielded the strongest strikeouts teams, at least two in the top 3. But last year I think my team was better (don’t worry about the year before) so Odom’s fault.
We gave too many ABs to Matt fucking Adams for some reason and he murdered our OBP. Makes ya think…..
Oscar Taveras hit a two run home run that week. Makes ya think…..
read the tea leaves ODOM DESERVES ALL THE BLAME AND HIS SLOPPINESS VERY LIKELY POSSIBLY COST OSCAR TAVERAS HIS LIFE.
So there you have it, a take-down of that sad “yea well you had two owners” excuse you simpletons like to throw out there and an attempt to re-direct all the “Sean contributed nothing” jokes into “Odom contributed nothing” jokes. Which will only lead to more “Sean contributed nothing” jokes. REGARDLESS, I thank you all for tuning in to yet another excuse for me to point out that Odom and I won 3 championships in a row and in all likelihood nobody will ever do that again.