SO WEEK 18 HAPPENED. Since I basically copy and paste the previous week’s review as a template I was able to look upon my range of mistakes……perhaps it was a poor idea to call the GOTW “the Amtrak runaway fucking train of a fantasy baseball team……’s victory of the week”. PERHAPS THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT FOR ME. Perhaps it was such a ridiculous convergence of events needed to snap the only win streak worth a DAMN this season that one has no choice but to conclude this was due to a curse brought upon by the people that died in that pictured train wreck (I assume at least someone died). ANYWHO we will get to that. The other exciting news of the week was THE ERASURE OF PETER MITCHELL FROM THE RECORD BOOKS FOREVER, all thanks to Mike Odom and a dominant/record-setting steals performance from the X-Rayz. Odom has been molding a steals-based roster for two goddamn years so it is only right the record is with him. And now it is. And probably forever out of reach. LET US REVIEW SOME SHIT…….
MVP: Jose Ramirez– Both Ramirez and Billy Hamilton completely killed it in Week 18 but Ramirez takes the MVP nod for actually working in the occasional RBI, whereas Billy has FIFTEEN ALL YEAR. 12/25, 9Rs, 4 doubles, 2HRs, 7RBIs, 6SBs, .500OBP
LVP: Jake Lamb– FOR FUCKS SAKE, Jake Lamb. Someone go back through all the old reviews and see if this is the worst hitting performance I have highlighted. I have a review to write here so I am busy. 0/21, 1R, 1RBI, .125OBP
Our biggest rout of Week 18, but don’t let that sell this matchup short because it was a HISTORIC steals performance by the X-Rayz and also an impressive beatdown in a matchup between two teams currently vying for second and dreaming of first. The X-Rayz erased Pete Mitchell from the league’s memory (his victims souls can now finally rest) with a new all-time record of 27 steals, and that was 25 more than the 2 steals the Slugs mustered, and that should be the largest gap ever seen in that cat. Elsewhere the X-Rayz pitched real fuckin’ solid, with 9 QS 92Ks and a 3.09ERA. An uncharacteristically quiet offensive week and a 4.60 team ERA kept the Banana Slugs from ever making the final score close despite a whole bunch o’ close categories. The Slugs would have slid into first place with a W (DUE TO A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS) but alas, when the smoke cleared these two teams were left with identical win percentages. For now, Barnegat owns the tiebreaker and the 2nd seed, by virtue of having one more win than Point Loma (11 to 10).
X-Rayz hitter of note: The X-Rayz SHATTERED the all-time steal records so you should know that Billy Hamilton was involved (8/23, 6Rs, 2 doubles, 1 triple, 8SBs, .481OBP).
X-Rayz pitcher of note: Dellin Betances is a bad, bad man and nearly lead the X-Rayz in strikeouts despite pitching THREE INNINGS (3IP, 0ER, 8Ks, 2 saves, 0.00ERA).
Banana Slugs hitter of note: I’ve heard (read) whispers that Joc Pederson is actually making contact these days and lo and behold it’s kinda true, at least for last week (9/21, 6Rs, 5 doubles, 2HRs, 7RBIs, .500OBP).
Banana Slugs pitcher of note: John Lackey had a helluva week and now John Lackey has a stiff shoulder, and Brian waits with bated breath for news (14.2IP, 1ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 1W, 0.61ERA).
Next Week aka This Week: X-Rayz v. Punchouts (Odom chasing that second seed and attempting to join former co-owner Sean McLaughlin ATOP THE MOUNTAIN ONCE AGAIN), Banana Slugs v. Trout Fishing Club (This is also an extremely important matchup for seeding purposes so YEA).
River City Cuban Missiles beat a dead horse, because Cliff literally manages his team like a literal dead horse – 8-3-3
MVP: David Dahl – David Dahl continues to give Cuban Missiles fans something to look forward to next year, perhaps distracting just enough from the very probable probability that River City will be having no ticker tape parade this year. Suck on that Lobman. 7/25, 7Rs, 2 doubles, 2 triples, 3RBIs, .379OBP
LVP: Cliff – Cliff it has been real……good job rolling out 8 starting pitchers and 2 relievers (AGAIN?!) all week, and putting a bunch of Mets in your lineup that were either on the DL or sent down or all but sent down.
To point out that Cliff lost again feels like further beating the dead horse, and I can only critique a dead-horse fantasy lineup managerial style so much, and so yea. Cliff shall be out next year and we wish him well in his future endeavors and we hope his ousting strains his “friendship” with Mike Lobman beyond repair. SPEAKING of Mike Lobman, he had the fortune of playing Cliff this week. So while his team racked up an IMPRESSIVE 5 triples in one day (7 total) and a solid 55 RBIs and 74Ks, I mean it’s not like he needed all of those. Shoulda saved some of those for later. I think that’s how this game works.
Cuban Missiles hitter of note: Giancarlo Stanton hit a HR last week but more of note is the fact that he ravaged his groin and shall in all likelihood miss all of September, AN ANNUAL TRADITION (5/17, 1R, 1 double, 1HR, 5RBIs, .333OBP).
Cuban Missiles pitcher of note: Kevin Gausman had a decent enough week and I wish him well in all of his future endeavors (10IP, 4ER, 15Ks, 1QS, 3.60ERA).
Bulldogs hitter of note: Brandon Nimmo, whom was sent down on August 9th but whom was also in the lineup EVERY SINGLE DAY for Cliff (NO FUCKING STATS TO SPEAK OF).
Bulldogs pitcher of note: Steven Matz was far better than Clifford deserves (13.1IP, 2ER, 17Ks, 2QS, 1W, 1.35ERA).
Next Week aka This Week: Missiles v. Isotopes (the Missiles can still improve their playoff positioning a bit, this matchup would be testy either way), Bulldogs v. Resurgence (Brandon Nimmo remains the Bulldogs starting CF, really all that needs to be said).
Springfield Isotopes deal a crushing blow to their bestie’s playoff chances, beat Bad Drake Puns – 7-5-2
MVP: Charlie Blackmon – Charlie Blackmon had himself a fuckin’ WEEK upon finding himself back in Mikey T’s loving embrace. Check this shit out. 18/32, 13Rs, 3 doubles, 7HRs, 9RBIs, 1SB, fuckinnng .600OBP
LVP: Albert Pujols – Albert Pujols has had a pretty productive season, but I ain’t up here reviewing seasons. His week was less productive than his season #analysis. 2/19, 1R, 1 double, 7HRs, 9RBIs, 1SB, .105OBP
In a fairly shocking offensive performance, the Isotopes pulled no punches and offensively DOMINATED the Bad Drake Puns in Week 18. One can only hope this leads to Connor taking Mikey T’s initials out of his AIM profile. The ‘Topes, lead by Charlie Blackmon and Freddie Freeman and co., racked up some eye-popping numbers for a team that’s sucked as hard as they have sucked all year: 63Rs, 26 doubles, 23HRs, 64RBIs, .420OBP. Given the fact that Charlie Blackmon just recently returned to Mikey T and given the OTHER fact that Freddie Freeman is very good and given the OTHER OTHER fact that the team got a boost from Yanks prospect Aaron Judge (2HRs in his debut week), ‘Topes fans have to feel good about their immediate future. Yanno assuming they don’t stare too long at the recent Isotopes trade deals or turn their gaze towards the suddenly suspect pitching staff. But this was a good week. CAN’T take that away from ’em. CAN mutter “too little too late” under your breath.
‘Topes hitter of note: Hey what do you know Freddie Freeman keeps kicking ass, kinda like what he’s been doing since June….WHAT DO….YOU KNOW…..at least Mikey T had to give up a lot to acquire him via trade, at least that (10/22, 8Rs, 3 doubles, 4HRs, 8RBIs, .594OBP).
‘Topes pitcher of note: It wasn’t alllll sunshine and rainbows for the Isotopes last week, which I will mostly point out because they refused to trade me Jose Berrios (2IP, 5ER, 1K, 22.50ERA).
BDP hitter of note: So Jose Altuve had like a 500 somethin’ OBP but what the fuck else is new (12/25, 6Rs, 3 doubles, 1 triple, 6RBIs, 1SB, .519OBP).
BDP pitcher of note: KYLE HENDRICKS…..struck out 12 Cardinals in 7 innings of work…..so yea Kyle Hendricks (7IP, 2ER, 12Ks, 1QS, 2.57ERA).
Next Week aka This Week: ‘Topes v. Cuban Missiles (ALWAYS an entertaining matchup and at least allegedly the ‘Topes are not yet eliminated or something, allegedly), BDP v. MooniniteZ (MooniniteZ out for alllll sorts of vengeance in this one).
MVP: Michael Fulmer – One can easily make the case that Michael Fulmer won the Resurgence this week. Cuz yanno, he did with a 9K CG shutout on Sunday. (16IP, 2ER, 15Ks, 2QS, 1W, 1CG, 1.13ERA)
LVP: Adam Wainwright – It was tempting to give this to Pine Lake’s 12th start of the week SINCE IT DIDN’T HAPPEN AND ALL, but really a lot of blame here should go to Adam Wainwright for torpedoing ERA and not lasting deeper into the game. Which might have yielded 1 or 2 more Ks. (2IP, 7ER, 2Ks, 31.50ERA)
RESURGENCE PERHAPS BEGINS A RESURGENCE? That would be the headline if the newspaper from whatever town Rojo’s Resurgence hails from didn’t give a shit about grammar. And apparently I have decided they do NOT. But Ryan doesn’t give a shit about grammar and didn’t give a shit about getting that 12th start in and that was (basically) DIRECTLY the cause of the Resurgence win and the Punchouts loss. So let’s not start penciling Rojo’s Resurgence in for a bye just yet. Is what I am saying (although it is still attainable!). The Punchouts had themselves a tenuous lead heading into Sunday and then Michael Joseph Fulmer hit the mound and said fuck to the that. Fulmer’s 9 K CG swung the matchup entirely, as 9 K CGs are wont to do, and in the end Rojo’s Resurgence won this matchup by ONE FREAKING K. If you are thinking Ryan could have picked a 12th start out of a hat and probably gotten 2 Ks you are probably correct. But no such things were done and as a result the Resurgence come away with a badly needed W (FOR MORALE) and the Punchouts are o-ficially e-liminated from playoff contention. SAD!
Resurgence hitter of note: Adrian Beltre why don’t you just play forever (14/27, 4Rs, 2 doubles, 2HRs, 8RBIs, .552OBP).
Resurgence pitcher of note: Like BESIDES Fulmer is what I am supposed to do here I guess? Uhhhh CC Sabathia had an okay game (6IP, 3ER, 7Ks, 1QS, 1W, 4.50ERA).
Punchouts hitter of note: Carlos Correa killed it also but NO let’s make a note of Ryan Braun producing for a change (10/23, 6Rs, 2 doubles, 4HRs, 9RBIs, .480OBP).
Punchouts pitcher of note: Clayton Kershaw, whom remains hurt (which has always been an issue).
Next Week aka This Week: Banana Slugs v. X-Rayz (when everyone gets the chance please reach out and offer your condolences to Brian about Trevor Story), Resurgence v. Punchouts (GET IT TOGETHER ROJO).
THE PARAMOUNT PICTURES PRESENTS JIM CARREY IN “LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS”……..SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS OF THE WEEK
Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club Derail Main St. MooniniteZ THROUGH A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS SOME OF WHICH I MAY EVEN TOUCH ON BELOW – 8-6-0
MVP: Mookie Betts- Fuck Mookie Betts and particularly fuck the fact that almost all of this damage was done on Sunday bloody Sunday. 8/2, 5Rs, 3 doubles, 3HRs, 10RBIs, .364OBP
LVP: Wade Miley – Through a series of unfortunate events I ended up with fucking Wade Miley as my 12th start and he went out and suckedddddd so hard, when alls I wanted was a few Ks from the fucker. 4.1IP, 6ER, ONE K, 12.46ERA
Credit where credit is due, Heroy’s paper champions defeated the MooniniteZ fair and square and put a stop to the only win streak worth noting this season. Solid overall offensive stats and clutch Sunday performances helped the OGTFC come from behind to defeat the MooniniteZ and serve them some humble pie. But okay seriously fuck humble pie and fuck you, Gregory Heroy. Let’s break down the Sunday disaster. For the SECOND TIME THIS YEAR that piece of shit Mookie Betts, second best athlete named Mookie of all time, hit 3HRs in a game against the MooniniteZ. In a matchup where the MooniniteZ would ultimately win the HR cat this may seem strange to bring up but ALAS it was the 8RBIs that came with those HRs that stung, along with the OBP boost (OBP was close heading into Sunday but by the end of it the Fishing Club won the cat .358 to .334). NO MATTER, the MooniniteZ remained in good shape heading into the Sunday night game. Cue the 3 MooniniteZ batters not helping (apologies to Brandon Moss and his meaningless HR) and cue Kris Bryant hitting his first triple of his entire fucking season, and just like that the matchup was tied. EVEN THEN, the matchup seemed likely to stay tied with the Cubs enjoying a lead and Heroy needing ex-Mooninite Seung Hwan Oh to enter the game. And then ex-Mooninite Stephen Piscotty crushed a 3 run HR off Hector Rondon whom sucks balls. A lot of jaded ex-Mooninites out there. EVEN THEN, the odds of Oh K-ing the side in a save situation weren’t great but NEVER FUCKING MIND cuz Kevin Siegrist is a little girl and had to leave the 8th inning early with injury. Lo and behold, Seung Hwan Oh had 5 outs to get 3Ks and lo and behold he went out there and struck out the side in the ninth anyways. Plus 1K in the 8th on overmatched ex-Mooninite Addison Russel…. plus he got to face Jorger Soler as a pinch hitter in the 9th, and I think I could have struck him out on that night. SAY IT AIN’T SOOOAHWHOAH OH. But yanno, still in first BIG UPS TO MITCH ODOM.
OGTFC hitter of note: HEY maybe you might have noticed above that Kris Bryant got his first triple of the season last week…..congrats……Kris (9/27, 7Rs, 3 doubles, 1 triple, 1HR, 3RBIs, .333OBP).
OGTFC pitcher of note: Jake Odorizzi wasn’t even particularly great but he provided 10Ks in 2 starts and CLEARLY THOSE WERE NEEDED (11.1IP, 5ER, 10Ks, 1QS, 1W, 3.97ERA).
MooniniteZ hitter of note: Joey Votto did his part (13/26, 5Rs, 4 doubles, 1 triple, 1HR, 7RBIs, .536OBP).
MooniniteZ pitcher of note: Let it be noted that Tom Koehler also did his part (13IP, 3ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 1W, 2.08ERA).
Next Week aka This Week: OGTFC v. Banana Slugs (I’ll bet Heroy is realllll fuckin’ proud of himself right about now and feelin’ like he can power his way to the 2nd seed or something and really I don’t care who loses this one), MooniniteZ v. Bad Drake Puns (Let’s mathematically eliminate this guy SHALL WE? We shall hope to).
So that was WEEK 18 and it is behind us now and LET’S JUST MOVE ON. 2 weeks to go, plenty of playoff positioning left to position (well, some), personally I am now untethered by the pressure of maintaining a long win streak. THIS WAS A GOOD THING. Yep.