Week 17 Review—Totally Ignoring the Conversation Lobman Started Edition

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This orangutan also isn’t listening to Lobman’s shit right now

Week 17 passed, and during that week MUCH OCCURRED.  Such as the trade deadline.  That came and passed, and perhaps someone should write a review of sorts for that all by itself but DAMNED if that someone is going to be me.  LOOKING AT YOU LOBMAN.  Speaking of Lobman uhhh credit where credit is due, he penned/posted a lovely “conversation starter” about the future of the league and blah blah blah and there were some good points to be discussed in there for sure.  I seek not to discuss those point right now though.  Right now I seek to bury them further down the blog with another poorly written week in review.  ON TO THAT……. 

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Pictured: Carlos Gonzalez in his natural state.

Pine Lake Punchouts punch the River City Cuban Missiles the fuck out despite, whatever ridiculous kickboxing classes the Missiles may be taking part in –  10-3-1

MVP:  Carlos Gonzalez– CarGo had a good week but also OF COURSE he missed Sunday’s game and OF COURSE he is currently DTD.  It is only fitting that Ryan rosters the baseball version of Vince Carter.  8/20, 4Rs, 3 doubles, 2HRs, 8RBIs, .400OBP

LVP:  Xander Bogaerts– It is with great joy that I call out Xander Bogaerts because he seems to be slowing down late in the year here from all these ABs and also because fuck you Xander Bogaerts your name is stupid.  4/28, 1R, 1RBI, .167OBP

The River City Cuban Missiles continued their sad title defense in Week 17, with yet another loss that would surely concern their fans were they to have any.  The Punchouts of Pine Lake came in after a demoralizing loss to the last place Bulldogs and took out some frustrations, putting together a solid enough performance that easily dispatched the PATHETIC performance of the Missiles.  The Missiles week could be best summed up by Jordan Zimmerman:  acquired via trade by Mike for reasons still unclear, Jordan got 5 outs and gave up 6 runs before landing on the DL.  Mike at first dropped him before deciding it would look better for him to pick him up and put him back on his DL.  And that is basically the story, of the Cuban Missiles season.  Head-scratching trades and uninspired weekly performances.  On the bright side, I think we can all agree that (unlike Lobman) Ryan is a multi-time champion that is loved and respected by all and with this win you can at least start to envision a scenario where he rips off a few Ws and sneaks his way into those there playoffs.  But who cares either way, also who cares fuck Mike. #WCFM

Punchouts hitter of note:  Anthony Rendon was more fun when he was looking more like John Kruk but I am also glad to see he has recovered from his injuries somewhat, please note Mikey T still thinks he sucks because he saw Kenley Jansen get him out this one time (7/20, 5Rs, 3 doubles, 4RBIs, .462OBP).

Punchouts pitcher of note:  Chris Sale emotionally recovered from the jersey fiasco to throw a CG but I am instead noting JOE MUSGROVE who came on in relief and dominated after McCullers got hurt (SAD!) and then kept on dominating during his first career start (11.1IP, 1ER, 14Ks, 1QS, 0.79ERA).

Cuban Missiles hitter of note:  At least Manny Machado remains good (10/27, 5Rs, 2 doubles, 3HRs, 9RBIs, .370OBP).

Cuban Missiles pitcher of note:  At least Marcus Stroman is learning how to strike out people in larger volumes (12IP, 4ER, 17Ks, 1WS, 3.00ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  Punchouts v. Resurgence (Does Ryan commit to playing spoiler/attempting to sneak into the playoffs at the last moment?), Cuban Missiles v. Bulldogs (OH HOW LUCKY FOR YOU MIKE).

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Pictured: THAT TIME WILSON RAMOS GOT KIDNAPPED. I cannot respect a player that gets himself kidnapped. Aroldis Chapman would NEVER

Springfield Isotopes defeat the Whitestone Bulldogs, despite nobody giving a shit like at all –  9-2-3

MVP: Wilson Ramos – I’ll bet Mikey T is reallllll proud of himself with his slugging catcher.  Just realllllll proud.  Suck a dick buddy, ya should have traded him.  Next year I bet he bats .220, KINDA LIKE LAST YEAR.  10/19, 6Rs, 1 double, 3HRs, 8RBIs, .524 OBP

LVP:  Danny Salazar or Cliff – Danny Salazar got his shit ruined by Max Kepler and then promptly went on the DL to save face.  Cliff is Cliff.  but ACTUALLY Cliff went out and actually added more relief pitchers….thank fucking god.  So I guess it is Danny Salazar.  2IP, 6ER, 3Ks, 27.00ERA

So Mikey T beat Cliff.  What more can be said really?  Most people beat Cliff (sorry Ryan 😦  ).  I think I’ve already covered the most notable aspect of this matchup which was that CLIFF HAD MORE THAN TWO RELIEVERS GOING.  Which is to be celebrated.  Also Prince Fielder is retiring, but we all owe him a debt of gratitude to setting the Tone for the ‘Topes Terrible TwentySixteen Tour.  Goodnight, sweet Prince.

Isotopes hitter of note:  3 more HRs for the evidently UNTRADEABLE Mike Napoli (6/15, 5Rs, 3HRs, 5RBIs, 1SB, .500OBP).

Isotopes pitcher of note:  DALLAS KEUCHEL, remember when Dallas Keuchel was the bee’s knees?  (9IP, 0ER, 7Ks, 1QS, 1W, 1CG).

Bulldogs hitter of note:  Miguel Sano was finally mildly productive because he didn’t get the memo that Cliff doesn’t care about his production or him as a person or ANYTHING perhaps he’s a nihilist (8/23, 5Rs, 2 doubles, 3HRs, 7RBIs, .464OBP).

Bulldogs pitcher of note:  Don’t ever change, Madison Bumgarner… well maybe change fantasy teams because you deserve better, but also keep yelling at hitters and demanding to bat in AL parks and shit (13IP, 5ER, 11Ks, 1QS, 1CG, 3.46ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  Isotopes v. Bad Drake Puns (Not alotta likable teams in this one), Bulldogs v. Cuban Missiles (By the way someone check Cliff’s roster for a fucked up minors system…..usually by now he has a fucked up minors system).

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Kickin’ all that ass and they STILL make you move over for Orlando Arcia smdh

Bad Drake Puns hand Bad Loss to OceanGate Trout Fishing Club – 10-4-0

MVP: Jonathan Villar – This fuckin’ guy.  It really stinks that Connor ended up with this fuckin’ guy.  It’s like the rest of the league has been ignoring all year that this fuckin’ guy is the best base stealer to own in fantasy this year.  And Connor has him.  SAD!  11/23, 7Rs, 4 doubles, 1HR, 3RBIs, 5SBs, .613OBP

LVP:  James Shields – Jesus fucking christ, James.  6.1IP, 14ER, 2Ks, 19.89OBP (big T-Swift fan AMIRITE?!)

LEAVE IT TO THE LESSWITHMORES TROUT FISHING CLUB OR WHATEVER.  They could have easily eeeeeasssilly pushed Connor further away from the playoffs.  A “nail in the coffin” I guess is a bit premature given how fucking mediocre you people at the bottom have been (*crowd boos* as I walk around the ring and soak it all in).  But yea, Heroy’s squad came out and got absolutely walloped by Connor’s squad and now the whole league is worse for it.  As usual when Connor wins it is about blame, and plenty o’ blame to go around for the Fishing Club.  Bregman’s big debut has been MEH (cuz prospects AMIRITE?!) and Seager rocked a .192 OBP and I don’t even know if Heroy plays Cutch anymore.  But really this is mostly James Shields’ fault.  Take heed people.  Take.  Heed.

BDP hitter of note: I drafted Carlos Santana very late knowing he was going to be a beast this year and because life is cruel he is now a beast for Connor’s dumb team (8/29, 3Rs, 2HRs, 5RBIs, .344 OBP).

BDP pitcher of note:  Jacob DeGrom, yep him (13.2IP, 1ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 1W, 0.66ERA).

OGTFC hitter of note:  Way to blowww, Ian Desmond… wayyyy tooooo blowwww (4/27, 2Rs, 3RBIs, .179OBP).

OGTFC pitcher of note:  All the Dylan Bundy gems in the world couldn’t save this team’s ERA, but nice week from Dylan Bundy WHO HAS FUCKING ARRIVED (13IP, 2ER, 16Ks, 2Qs, 2Ws, 1.38ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  BDP v. ‘Topes (like ZERO likable teams [owners?] in this one), OGTFC v. MooniniteZ (TAKE YOUR SHOT AT STOPPIN’ THE STREAK YOUNG [middle aged?] FELLA).

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I don’t know whom in the fuck he is either, man……

Barnegat Banana Slugs continue Rojo’s Desurgence with narrow victory – 6-5-3

MVP:  Jorge Polanco – Perhaps Brian had one or two hitters whom had better weeks, but it was only like 1 or 2.  NOT IMPRESSIVE WEEKS GUYS.  But this little minor league eligible sonofabitch’s two triples basically won the week.  Basically.  7/20, 4Rs, 2 triples, 5RBIs, 1SB, .381OBP

LVP:  Melky Cabrera – Nelly Cruz wasn’t great for Rojo either but I wouldn’t DARE give Nelly an LVP.  I love Nelly.  And he soundly surpassed Melky in OBP .200 to .154.  But here’s Melky’s shitty numbers.  4/26, 1R, 1 double, 2RBIs, .154OBP

RESURGENCE CONTINUES DESURGENCE.  That would be the headline if the newspaper from whatever town Rojo’s Resurgence hails from didn’t give a shit about grammar.  And you just KNOW they don’t.  And that angers Brian and that’s why Brian won.  ANYWAYS, this matchup was crazy close and both teams traded CGs which is always annoying as a fantasy owner.  And HEY Rojo lost saves.  And HEY he barely won holds.  But he won them.  But he lost the matchup.  This one can be summed up by Jorge Polanco dropping 2 triples to the Resurgence’s 1, and then the ties in stolen bases and QS and CG.  Usually you expect a tie in only one of those categories (CG).  #analysis

Banana Slugs hitter of note:  Jake Lamb had the best week for the Banana Slugs in a week where a lot of his hitters sucked, which makes it easier to figure out (9/26, 4Rs, 3HRs, 6RBIs, .393OBP).

Banana Slugs pitcher of note:  Rick Porcello‘s CG was a CG loss it turns out, which feels cruel to Rojo in some way (8IP, 3ER 8Ks, 1QS, 1CG).

Resurgence hitter of note:  Victor Martinez was really the only guy who tried to preserve the Resurgence OBP, and that effort was in vain (6/17, 4Rs, 2 doubles, 2HRs, 4RBIs, .450OBP).

Resurgence pitcher of note:  Steven Wright‘s CG was a CG win, NO FAIR…. but also totally fair (9IP, 0ER, 9Ks, 1QS, 1W, 1CG).

Next Week aka This Week:  Banana Slugs v. X-Rayz (when everyone gets the chance please reach out and offer your condolences to Brian about Trevor Story), Resurgence v. Punchouts (GET IT TOGETHER ROJO).

THE AMTRAK RUNAWAY FUCKING TRAIN OF A FANTASY BASEBALL TEAM….’s VICTORY OF THE WEEK

Amtrak Crash
can’t stop won’t stop
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“Protection from what, zee Germans?”

Main Street MooniniteZ Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin (Chocolate starfish) (Yeah)
Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin (What?)
Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin (Gonna keep on rollin baby) (Come on)
Keep rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin, defeat Point Loma X-Rayz  – 9-4-1

MVP:  FRED DURST-  Such VIVID lyrics and imagery.  You can TRULY picture them keeping on rolling and such.  Also Max Kepler.  10/27, 9Rs, 4HRs, 11RBIs, 2SBs, .471OBP

LVP:  David Price – David Price CONTINUES to disappoint the Red Sox in Carl Crawfordian fashion, which I can respect.  He also disappointed Odom with only 8Ks and no QS or Ws across two starts in Week 17, which I cannot respect.  12IP, 7ER, 8Ks, 5.25ERA

It is with no joy that I report that I had to defeat Mike Odom last week, but he was standing on the tracks when the train was coming through NOTHING COULD BE DONE.  And truthfully this matchup was prettttty close through the very end, at one point on Sunday he was about 2 doubles away from a 7-6-1 lead.  But a strong Sunday from Arenado (1 double 2HRs 5RBIs) and a weak Sunday night from David Price (5IP 6Rs[only 3ER]) allowed the MooniniteZ to keep on rollin baby.  Let the record also show that Travis Jankowski did his best to grab the MoonZ a rare win over the X-Rayz in the steals cat and Billy Hamilton was NOT fucking having it (Billy swiped 4 bags on Sunday).  Let the record also show that Odom’s week was stronger than all of your weeks.  Just not stronger than mine.  NO SHAME IN THAT THESE DAYZ.

MooniniteZ hitter of note:  As mentioned above, Travis Jankowski had himself a week out there on them basepaths (12/23, 11Rs, 2 doubles, 1RBI, 6SBs, fucking .593OBP).

MooniniteZ pitcher of note:  DANNY DUFFY, folks…. believe in Danny Duffy (14.2IP, 2ER, 22Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, 1.23ERA).

X-Rayz hitter of note:  As mentioned above, Billy Hamilton also had himself a week out there on them basepaths (6/20, 4Rs, 1 double, 7SBs, .391OBP).

X-Rayz pitcher of note:  Tanner Roark did a better job than David Price did (13.1IP, 3ER, 11Ks, 2QS, 2Ws, 2.03ERA).

Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. Trout Fishing Club (the MooniniteZ seek revenge on the team that had the audacity to tie them and delay their win streak by a week), X-Rayz v. Banana Slugs (Odom seeks second place).

WEEK 18, no trades left to salvage your rosters.  But yanno plenty of waiver wire bullshit.  And plenty of playoff seeding left to sort through.  Once again, though, fuck if I care I CANNOT LOSE.  Dibs on 1st seed.

FRED DURST TAKE US OUT….

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Week 17 Review—Totally Ignoring the Conversation Lobman Started Edition

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