…..WITH SPECIAL GUEST SEAN MCLAUGHLIN

HERE IS A FUN ONE, on the day of the MLB trade deadline…..Odom valiantly committed himself to write a bit of a trade deadline handbook for this blog’s loyal 2.5 readers, and he got to a certain point before saying fuck it.  SO I am going to publish up until the point of “fuck it” and then perhaps edit in/add a bit of my own insights (look for the italics) here and there and VOILA, a whole goddamn article.  It is this kind of lazy teamwork that made history folks….. ON TO ODOM’S HALF-FINISHED HANDBOOK. 

 

Things to consider when trading:
– We will be embarking on a new dynasty format for the 2017 offseason, and as of now it looks like every player on your roster will be eligible to stay on for 2017.

– In all likelihood, there will be some sort of change to the minor league structure. Some of the current spots that allow 50 IP or 130 ABs will likely be replaced by 0 or 0 AB players, aka true prospects. Deep stashes should gain a slight uptick in value for 2016 trades due to this.

– The trade deadline is August 5th at noon, or 9 AM if you’re Mike Odom.

Here are the guys you shouldn’t even bother asking about, team by team (lolz watch how many of these guys have probably already been traded). This is based off of my extensive knowledge of the league’s GMs and from trade talks, so take it as you may.

X-Rayz: Chapman, Archer, Price, Betances, Hamilton, Mallex.

Moonz: Eazy E, Arenado (this means you Mikey T), DeShields (edit:  DROPPED 😦  due to spotty playing time), Carpenter, Kenley, McCullers, Miller.  (edit:  I mean you can ask on most of these guys, I will just politely decline 98% of all offers [edit: maybe 100%])

Cuban Missiles: Abreu (L: NOPE), Machado, Bogaerts, Harper, Stanton, Puig (L: NOPE), his young missile arms in training.

Isotopes: Anyone of value, jk jk (just kidding just kinda), Miggy, Cano, Longo, Pedroia, Freeman, Piscotty, Chris Davis (edit:  TRADED), Lester (edit:  AVAILABLE), Hamels (edit:  PROBABLY AVAILABLE), Dallas. (edit: what is Dallas Keuchel like fucking Cher now?  NO.  No he is not.)

Rojo’s Empire: Goldy, Beltre, Nelly Cruz, Schwarber (edit:  SHOULD BE TRADED), Darvish, Cueto.

Sluggies: Donaldson, Story, Marte, Scherzer, Arrieta, probablyyyy Grienke.

Pride of Pine Lake: Correa, Springer, Moncada, Sale, Strasburg, Felix, Kershaw.

Fishing Club: Posey, Rizzo, Bryant, Seager, Trout, Mookie, McCutch, Jose Fernandez, Aaron Sanchez.

Bulldogs: Lindor, All Mets, Daniel Murphy, I’d hope Dansby Swanson, Salazar, Bummy. (edit:  it’s entirely possible Cliff doesn’t check offers, equally possible he gets BOOTED outta here next year).

Connor: Altuve (I’ve inquired IN PERSON..will never happen he said), basically everyone else because Connor is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with if you’re not Mikey T.  (edit:  BURNED)

Now let’s just throw some shit at the wall because WHY NOT…trades I think should happen are as follows:
– Rojo, in desperate need of a CF, acquires one from Ryan, who has one too many CFs for a legal Backyard roster.
–

AND THAT is as far as Odom got, but a half-finished handbook is as sad as a half-finished handjob (or any handjob really) so we need to expand upon this a teensy tiny bit.  So now I will NAME NAMES and highlight a few potential deals, which will pretty much ensure that said deals never happen.  Like so….

-Mikey T, finally accepting his team’s ultimate fate for this season, parts with David Phelps 4 weeks too late.  For whatever he can possibly get for him.

-Mikey T BREAKS HIS OWN HEART by at least entertaining multiplayer offers for Miguel Cabrera while he still has some COT DAMN value, all the while knowing he can hand the 1B spot over to the Freddie Freeman that he STOLE from the Cuban Missiles.

-Rojo, in need of another impact bat but also in need of some freakinggg bullpen balance, expands upon the deal Odom hinted at above by including Kyle Schwarber (and possibly Gallo) in a deal with Ryan for an OF, David Robertson, and Will Harris.  WIN NOW MOTHERFUCKERS (and stop punting a category).

-Connor recognizes a career year when he COT DAMN sees one, while also recognizing 2016 ain’t his, and sells off Trumbo to AN ACTUAL CONTENDER for the best minors eligible talent he can find.

AND THAT IS ALL I FEEL LIKE WRITING.  Damn fine work on all sides.  Happy trading, everyone.