Power Rankings— August(us) Edition

Bronze Head of Augustus
“Have I played the part well?  Then applaud as I exit” —Augustus’ famed last words

August 1st.  4 games to go until the playoffs begin.  And to my dismay, it is very hard to list the Power Rankings as anything other than a straightforward rundown of the current standings.  However some teams have played better than others ahead of them, and some resurgences have regressed to the mean and that is reflected here.  But by and large the current standings are the current rankings.  DEAL WITH IT, I don’t know what to tell you people.  I WILL tell you that some teams have played the part of “potential playoff participant” well and now we should applaud as they exit, and look towards deals that might strengthen their teams into the future.  DYNASTY FORMAT, UNCHARTERED TERRITORY FOR THE LEAGUE, etc. etc. etc.  Trade deadline is this Friday.  On to the rankings……

1-  Main Street MooniniteZ (10-5-1)

YOUR TOP TEAM FOLKS.  The MooniniteZ have not lost a matchup in the past 2 calendar months (7-0-1 in their last 8).  But August is a new month, and it opens with the Moonmen on Main St. putting a 7 game win streak on the line against the last team to hand them an L (weed joke somewhat intended).  And it was a particularly ugly L, perhaps the VERY catalyst for this VERY IMPRESSIVE win streak that followed shortly thereafter.  League historians should no doubt recall a far more impressive win streak orchestrated by the F’in Freight Trains (aka the greatest champion in league history) 3 years ago, when the Freight Trains turned 3peat Offendaz went from 2-3 to 16-3 before pausing the streak to tie in Week 20 and then unpausing to capture their third straight championship (ironically with another tie, HEROY REMEMBERS).  It is somewhat fitting that team’s co-managers will meet now, but also not really.  Really this was just an excuse to celebrate that historic championship franchise and highlight the fact that the co-managers shall be playing this week.  P motherfuckin’ S they shall be playing with 1st place very possibly on the line (an X-Rayz win coupled with a Slugs loss puts the X-Rayz in first, a MooniniteZ win keeps them in first cuz duh).

2-  Barnegat Banana Slugs (10-6) 

The Slugs of Barnegat are coming off a brutal loss by a razor-thin margin to the Cuban Missiles, thanks to the Reds bullpen of all things.  The Reds barely even have a bullpen.  But ANYWHO, Brian can take solace in the knowledge that even if they had won last week I would not have awarded them the top spot in the Power Rankings.  Because SEE ABOVE.  Brian can also take solace that he is all but assured of breaking the The Runner Up Curse ™ at this point.  Which is a victory in and of itself.  Time will tell if the Slugs will be satisfied with merely making it into the playoffs, AS SOME OF YOU OTHER SCRUBS SO OFTEN ARE.

3-  Point Loma X-Rayz (9-5-2) 

One could make the case that the X-Rayz deserve the 2nd seed here, coming off 2 straight wins with a tie before that.  HOWEVER that tie was to that mess of a team out in Springfield, and the Banana Slugs had won 3 straight prior to a narrow loss to the Missiles in Week 16 and whatever it was a coin flip and Odom lost.  The X-Rayz can use this sleight as motivation this week when they attempt to take down this author’s top-ranked team and half their winning streak at 7 games.  ET TU, ODOM?

4- Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (8-6-2)

Behind the Resurgence in standings but ahead of them in momentum, the Fishing Club remains dangerous as always due to that whole “having really good players” trick.  Which is only like 25% of the equation though.  For those curious, the rest of the equation is as follows:  35% roster management, 40% luck.

5-  Rojo’s Resurgence (9-6-1) 

OH HOW FAR, the Resurgence has fallen.  I’m a man of science and the science is all in the numbers and the numbers say the Resurgence only has 1 win in its last 6 games (1-4-1).  This puts them dangerously close to having a team name that is more ironic than anything.  STILL very likely to make the playoffs and STILL could very well grab a buy but STILL…… get it together Resurgers.

6-  River City Cuban Missiles (7-6-3) 

Not since the 1998 Marlins has their been such an underwhelming title defense in baseball.  the Cuban Missiles aren’t that bad but THEY HAVE COME CLOSE, relying more on the subpar play of the teams below them to cling to a chance just the smallest of chances at a proper title defense.  Perhaps they’ll get in there and make some waves.  Perhaps their flimsy life raft will capsize in the waves of some other team, like so many Cuban refugees before them.

7-  Bad Drake Puns (6-8-2) 

It is with NO JOY that I list the BDP as the first of the teams on the outside looking in, although I prefer it to seeing them uhhh on the inside.  It’s no secret that I blame Connor for costing Odom/Me a 4peat, and had we 4peated perhaps I would have retired from fantasy sports to a quiet beach town somewhere and been much happier in life but NO.  Here we are, relying on the maddeningly mediocre Missiles as the team that is keeping Connor out of the playoffs.  Don’t let us down, Mike.

8- Pine Lake Punchouts (6-10)

A simply DEVASTATING late night defeat to the Bulldogs and a fairly difficult schedule down the stretch have the Punchouts really up against the wall.  SAD! as Ryan’s 98 move 2014 champion is the second most impressive league champion in league history, in this author’s humble and correct opinion (full and definitive rankings to come once I somehow hack my way into having access to the older seasons).  ANYWHO Ryan will have to take a long hard look in the mirror ahead of this week’s trade deadline, to see if there’s any deals he can make in order to take advantage of playoff teams looking to put themselves over the top.  PRO TIP:  The Punchouts have had about 8 outfielders too many all season, so those looking for help in that department would be wise to check in between now and Friday.

9-  Springfield Isotopes (4-9-3) 

The Isotopes’ dreadful campaign continued last week with a not particularly close loss to the OG Fishing Club, and maybe they aren’t MATHEMATICALLY eliminated but they are eliminated in everyone’s hearts.  Let us all rejoice that Mikey T no longer has that dumb brag about making the playoffs every year (and then promptly sucking).  Let us all mourn that @Lobman will probably still have that dumb brag even though he doesn’t deserve to.  ANYWAYS This team was 3-2-1 after Week 6 and has since gone an impressively terrible 1-7-2 that would even make Cliff blush.  The only real drama left here is whether or not the ‘Topes take a page from the Yankee playbook and actually concede that it ain’t their year, because if they do there are some “win now” pieces to be plundered from this roster.

10-  Whitestone Bulldogs (4-12) 

Cliff won last week.  Beyond that I have nothing to say.  ANYHOWS, Cliff is mathematically eliminated if my math is correct.  And yet he probably won’t make any trades unless someone has some Mets stashed that he covets.  So that is that.  The Bulldogs may be euthanized this offseason.

Power Rankings— August(us) Edition

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