MVP:  Albert Pujols– I could easily give this to Altuve again but SO TIRED OF THAT.  So lets give one to Albert.  And may Connor never win again so I don’t have to make these judgment calls any more.  9/21, 3 runs 4 doubles 1HR 8RBIs 1SB .519 OBP.

LVP:  CLIFF – Cliff forever.  Cliff is down to two relievers in his arsenal, which is the kind of thing you have to do sometimes in order to maximize your kept starters and all.  Cliff had 9 starts in Week 13.

Cliff mannnnn.  Fucking Cliff.  Cliff has now adopted the TWO RELIEVER strategy first pioneered by NOBODY BECAUSE NOBODY IN THIS LEAGUE WOULD ACTUALLY ATTEMPT TO COMPETE WITH ONLY TWO SHITTY CLOSERS.  I would have a lot more to say about this subject were I not playing the Bulldogs this week and planning on taking advantage of the thin bullpen.  So let’s move on.  Cliff lost last week, what else.  Is new.  This one wasn’t remotely close, and ironically I am complaining about the bullpen and it actually won saves 5-2.  So that’s something to be proud of, I suppose.  I really don’t want to talk about either of these teams so I will be brief here.  Solid power numbers from Connor’s squad (3HRs from a one Marcus Semien and 2 a piece from Santana, Franco, Trumbo, and Wil Myers) helped them to an impressive 61 RBIs, far more than one would need to beat Cliff theoretically.  Decent pitching across the board (2Ws from Iwakuma, a 7.1IP 1ER 14K GEM from Carrasco) helped the BDP to 9Ws, 85Ks, and a 3.02 team ERA.  Not tooooo shabby, and really an embarrassment of riches considering the Bulldogs only started 9 pitchers in Week 13.  They have not earned my analysis but they have earned the ass whooping I plan on giving them in Week 14.  Hopefully.  Yanno anything can happen week to week though.  Fucking Cliff though……

Next Week aka This Week:  BDP v. Lobman (DON’T YOU FUCKING LOSE LOBMAN), Cliff v. MooniniteZ (TEAM THAT DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT VERSUS TEAM THAT AT LEAST KINDA DOES).

Barnegat Banana Slugs Slug the Springfield Isotopes Right In Their Stupid Mouths –  7-4-3

MVP:  Josh Donaldson – This guy, this guy is still a very good player.  Who woulda thunk it.  Let me also use this space to point out that Trevor Story was a MERE 0-5 last week.  Hopefully this will get Brian to say his name less.  Donaldson’s numbers:  12/31, 11 runs 1 double 1 triple 3HRs 9RBIs 1SB .513 OBP.

LVP:  Jung Ho Kang – This is unfortunate, given the big Jung Hooooo fan that I am, but he didn’t give the ‘Topes much in Week 13.  I think he missed a game or 2 and he might as well have missed the rest.  2/14, 2 runs .333 OBP and thatttt is it folks.  (PS- AND ALSO HE HAS PROBABLY RAPED SOMEONE.)

Oh the ‘Topes.  Mikey T remains firmly in stage 1 of the seven stages of grief about this roster of his, AND THAT STAGE IS DENIAL.  I think.  I think it’s “shock and denial” but just calling it denial works better for these purposes.  ANYWAYS everyone continues to wait for Mikey T to reach stage 3 and get on with the bargaining, and SLEEPY EYES Brian’s Banana Slugs did their part in moving them along towards this process.  The Slugs of Barnegat at least FELT in control this entire time, although a glance at the final scorecard says this matchup was a bit closer than that.  Partly the ‘Topes were undone by two TERRIBLE pitching performances from their co-aces on Sunday (Hamels 5ER 3Ks in 4IP, Lester a whopping 8ER in a very unwhopping 1.1IP with 2Ks).  They reallllly could have used some quality starts and some Ks there.  And boy did they not get them, on that particular day.  Banana Slugs pitching also mostly sucked but managed to suck slightly less than Isotopes pitching, which can happen in these sorts of matchups.  And did.  Happen.  ON THE OFFENSIVE SIDE, a narrow victory in runs was no doubt helped by 11 runs from Josh Donaldson, whom is talented.  And as such, he also chipped in 3 HRs to help lead the Slugs to a 13-9 victory in HRs (credit also due to Jake Lamb whom had FOUR and Brian McCann whom also had 3).  And so yea, that means the Isotopes managed single digit HRs and they paired those with 38RBIs and that lack of production combined with ineffective pitching equals yet another loss for the Unstable Isotopes of Springfield.  SELL SELL SELL.    fine I will highlight some positives:  Chris Davis hit 3HRs and Piscotty had a nice week (5 runs, 1 double, 2HRs 5RBIs 1SB .417 OBP).  And Lorenzo Cain landed on the DL.  Wait that last one is likely a bad thing.  SELL SELL SELL. This stock.

Next Week aka This Week:  SLEEPY EYES BRIAN v. Punchouts (DOES RYAN’S TEAM NAME SURVIVE THE WEEK?  Also The Runner Up Curse ™? ), Isotopes v. X-Rayz (DOES ODOM HURT MIKEY T’S FEELING IN THE GROUPCHAT?).

MVP:  Edwin Encarnacion – Edwin Encarnacion leads baseball in RBIs by a wide margin.  That’s all I got.  9/24, 9 runs 3 double 3HRs 10RBIs .467 OBP.

LVP:  Justin Upton – Justin Upton possibly leads baseball in fans disappointed, possibly by a comfortable margin.  That’s all I got.  6/26, 2 runs 2 doubles 4RBIs .231 OBP.

The oft-renamed baseball gentlemens from Pine Lake kept this one closer than it could have been.  The men from over on Main Street put together perhaps their gaudiest numbers of the year, take a look at these folks:  64 runs, 26 doubles, 21HRs, 60RBIs, 6SBs, .353OBP, 102Ks, 8Ws, 8QS, 2.66 ERA.  SO YEA that was most of the categories right there, and many of those numbers were quite good.  And to the credit of the now Pine Lake Punchouts, they freaking out-RBI’d a team that had 60RBIs and ran a .379OBP.  Quite frankly the Punchouts likely would have smashed just about any other team this week but THAT ISN’T HOW IT WORKS, and they came up a bit short on the pitching end and the HR end against a team that pitched and HR’d rather well.  For the MooniniteZ, 3HRs a piece from 3 different players (Danny Espinosa, Votto, and Encarnacion) and 2HRs a piece from 4 different players (Max Kepler, Zobrist, Rajai Davis WHOM HIT FOR THE CYCLE SATURDAY, and Melvin Upton Jr.) helped pump up the RBI numbers.  And yet, Ryan’s squad was not impressed and put up SIXTY FOUR of their own:  9 from Correa, 8 from CarGo, 7 from Baez, 6 from Russell Martin, 6 from Brandon Belt, 5 from Rendon, 4 from Upton, 3 from a couple of folks, 2 from Choo, 1 from Yelich and JBJ, 0 from Braun BOOM countdown completed.  So yea that was most of them.  Pitching-wise, on the MooniniteZ side Danny Duffy threw 2 gems (16.2IP, 4ER 16Ks 2Ws 2QS) and Velasquez threw 1.8 gems (11IP, 2ER, 14Ks, 2Ws 1QS) and yea generally just about everyone pitched well for Sean’s (MY) squad.  Hence the 102 Ks and 2.66 ERA and such.  For the Punchouts really the story of the season has been weathering the storm that has swirled around their pitching staff, where injuries and ineffectiveness have made this team’s declared strength less strong.  Wainwright did okay I guess (12IP, 6ER, 12Ks, 1W 1QS), but ICK…… a Clayton Kershaw injury is a very bad no good terrible thing for a team that has struggled to pitch up to its potential even with him in the lineup.  PRESSURE PACKED POSTSEASON PUSH FOR PINE LAKE.

Next Week aka This Week:  MooniniteZ v. Bulldogs (A TEAM THAT VALUES A FULL BULLPEN VERSUS A TEAM THAT DOESN’T), Punchouts v. Banana Slugs (SLUG IS ANOTHER EXPRESSION FOR PUNCH OUT).

Rojo’s Resurgence Can In Fact Hold This, Defeat the Point Loma X-Rayz – 8-3-3

MVP:  Brandon Crawford – 9/23, 5 runs 1 double 1 triple 2HRs 9RBIs .464 OBP.  The X-Rayz only mustered one triple for a change and Brandon Crawford saw to it to MATCH THAT TRIPLE.

LVP:  Tom Koehler – I am choosing Tom Koehler to be representative of Odom’s pitching strategy of late, as a whole.  It has relied heavily on spot starts and too often those have been the WRONG spot starts.  Tom Koehler was one of those wrong spot starts.  3IP 5ER 2Ks.

In Week 13’s most intriguing matchup from a standings perspective, the Point Loma X-Rayz took their shot at Rojo’s (regular season) crown.  Took their shot and MISSED.  An offense featuring perhaps more balance than Odom has ever worked with before lead to some balance offensive numbers, however that was NOT ENOUGH as Odom’s pitching staff o’ spot starts continued to sputter.  3QS 2Ws and a 5.29 ERA are just not going to get it done most weeks, ladies and gentlemen.  And a 4 holds week, while lovely, was no match for Rojo’s FIVE holds week.  So in that category Odom lost by 1 hold is what I am saying.  The X-Rayz have essentially been holding onto two pitchers of late, Chris Archer and David Price, and in 3 starts in Week 13 those two combined for zero quality starts and zero wins and it has just been that kinda season for them.  The Resurgence only pitched to a 4.20 team ERA which is kinda MEH, but paired that figure with a very solid 93Ks and perhaps even very solider 8Ws.  Double digit Ks from Kluber Kazmir and Fulmer (really wish that last one was a K name, also kinda wish I didn’t drop Michael Fulmer) helped Rojo’s Resurgence out-K a team that is came into Week 13 second overall in strikeout.  And for good measure the Resurgence even tied the X-Rayz in saves (with 1), as a week chock full of bad luck and a commitment to making a run at winning holds conspired to screw Odom’s X-Rayz on both fronts.  On the batting the baseball side, a pair of HRs a piece from 5 different Resurgers (Cruz, Crawford, Beltre, Kinsler, and V-Mart) helped Rojo easily take the HR and runs categories against an Odom squad that achieved some balance but not many runs (43, second lowest total in Week 13).  The X-Rayz were their typically excellent selves in the SB department with 10 total (2 a piece from Jose Ramirez, Charlie Blackmon, and Billy Hamilton but of course), but in the end that just wasn’t enough.  WHAT MORE CAN BE SAID REALLY.

THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE EXQUISITE (and affordably priced) TIE OF THE WEEK

River City Cuban Missiles Miraculously Tie OceanGate Trout Fishing Club – 6-6-2

MVP:  Giancarlo Stanton – I am not even going to look at his numbers for the rest of the matchup, Giancarlo is your MVP for hitting a line drive in the 8th inning on Sunday night that hung up there jusssst enough to get D’Arnaud to dive.  YEA CHASE D’ARNAUD.  See below.

LVP:  Chase D’Arnaud – I had previously attributed this play to Nick Markakis, apologies to Nick Markakis.  TURNS OUT it was Chase D’Arnaud that made that fateful dive for a Giancarlo Stanton line drive in the 8th inning of the Sunday night game.  D’Arnaud missed that ball, Stanton ended up with the matchup tying triple, and D’Arnaud ends up the LVP of a fantasy matchup even though nobody would dare roster him.

What a doozy here.  The 11th hour Giancarlo Stanton triple that was discussed in some detail above absolutely STOLE a tie for the River City Cuban Missiles, in a matchup they really had no business tying.  Like at all.  Lobman’s squad, that at least in name resembles our defending champions, put up a puny 37 runs and 10HRs (2HRs from Odor, 2 from Harper, 3 from Tulo somehow) but managed to scrape their way to a tie by amassing 8 Sunday RBIs to the Fishing Club’s 5 Sunday RBIs and winning that category 42 to 41.  The Fishing Club had every other offensive category wrapped up and put up an impressive 61 runs and 19 HRs, including FIVE HRs from Kris Bryant and 3 from his life partner Anthony Rizzo.  And really that looked like enough, as Heroy’s team entered the Sunday night game up 1-0 in triples and a triples threat Giancarlo ain’t.  The Cuban Missiles had an Adam Conley CG in play for a bit but eventually he departed the game and the outcome of this matchup seemed alllll but certain at that point.  But then all that stuff happened (I am probably the only one who was bothering to watch that game I WAS DOGSITTING).  If Heroy wants to blame other stuff aside from that stuff he can look to the pitching side of this battle, where the Cuban Missiles grabbed 5 of their 6 winning categories.  A perfectly solid 91 Ks, 7Ws, 7QS, 4.19 ERA performance from the Missiles easily bested a perfectly mediocre to bad 77Ks, 4Ws, 3QS, 4.83 ERA performance from the OceanGate OnlyGetItDoneOnPapers.  Heroy’s hurlers DID manage to win saves 6 to 2 in this matchup, but lost holds 5 to 1 on the strength of a little revelation by the name of Edwin Diaz (4IP, 10Ks, 4 holds all by his cot damned self).  One can craft an argument that Edwin Diaz was the unsung hero of this matchup and that’s precisely what I am doing here.  Argument crafted.  BUT FOR REALZ this came down to Giancarlo Stanton hitting a miraculous triple that was really a single that Travis D’Arnaud’s brother misplayed.  That’s life in The Backyard.

Next Week aka This Week:  Cuban Missiles v. Connor (LETS CALL THIS A MUST WIN FOR LOBMAN BECAUSE HE ENJOYS THAT), Trout Fishing Club v. Resurgence (A SOMETHING TO PROVE GAME FOR HEROY AND HIS FISHERMEN).