The people are excited about the return of these prestigious awards…..

Oh lord, is it this time of year again already? The time where I debate whether or not the hottest sister category is needed in the midseason awards and then proceed to criticize everyone else’s team choices while glossing over my own?  Sweet sweet topless Parisians I do believe it is time…..

As always, justifications will be given randomly and if you disagree with anything seen here blame the system that has been created.  A system where I keep posting things solely to amuse myself/avoid doing actual work at work, without any dissenting opinions in sight.  A BEAUTIFUL SYSTEM.  ‘Murrica

HOTTEST SISTER—  Rachel Johnson (Roj0).  Time to restore the crown to its rightful owner.  Granted Rachel and I haven’t spoken in a stretch, but all this time in Hawai’i has to have done wonders for her base tan.  If anyone sees this that knows her, tell her to call me next time she’s in town.

Now that that is out of the way……

wait one more……

UGLIEST FETUS— Emily Emilie (EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME) Grace” (Lobman).  I think it was eventually clarified that what appeared to be the demon head wasn’t actually a demon head but……still…..

Artist’s rendering

Okay now onto actual fantasy baseball stuff…..

BEST KEEPER— David Ortiz (Brian).  GOD this one was painful.  But to give credit to someone for just keeping an obviously great player seems silly, so instead I decided to give credit to the fringiest keeper that really panned out well.  And unfortunately that motherfucker is Dominican Shrek Equivalent David Ortiz.  Lord only knows what this dude is on but he leads the league in extra base hits (31 doubles, 18HRs, ONE TRIPLE EVEN) and Brian kept his 40 year old position-less ass and is reaping the benefits.  Fuck the Sawks forevah.

WORST KEEPER— Corey Dickerson (Rojo).  Really SO MANY acceptable choices here but in my humble opinion Rojo bailed a lot of us out by keeping a fringey Corey Dickerson, immediately trading him for Tim Anderson, and then nearly immediately dropping said Tim Anderson.  I was going to make a point here about how Corey Dickerson ain’t even half bad but now I checked and he has a .258 OBP.  And he was a huge injury risk.  BAD JOB ROJO.  But congrats on still being in first place.

dishonorable mention:  Francisco Liriano (Sean), James Shields (Odom), Marcus Stroman (Mikey T), Prince Fielder (Mikey T), I am sure I can go on and on but WHY.

BEST DRAFT PICK— Marcus Semien, 27th Rd (Connor).   As usual the trick here is to sort of start from the bottom and see who delivered the best value down there and UNFORTUNATELY I now have to give Connor credit for drafting the shortstop you all failed to.  I felt set at the shorstop position (SHOULDN’T HAVE) but I knew Semien was going to produce for someone, and 15 HRs out of the SS position in that round is solid value.

honorable mention:  Daniel Murphy (25th, Cliff), Seung Hwan Oh (27th, Sean), Victor Martinez (28th, Sean whom did not keep him for very long), Logan Forsythe (29th, Sean who promptly traded him)….. you should get the picture by now.  MOVING ON.

WORST DRAFT PICK— Ken Giles, FIRST ROUND (Connor).  Everything to be said has already been said, about this one.  For the record this was a terrible pick even if Ken Giles was going to be the Astros closer all year.

OWNER MOST LIKELY TO DIE BEFORE SEASON’S END— Odom.  California is not to be trusted and marijuana is a gateway drug.  And Rojo is more alive than ever.


WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT.  Rojo pairs his new name with a nice clean classy logo, and his new name has lots of puns potential, and his new name only gets funnier should his team falter in any way.  A whole lot to love here.

WORST TEAM NAME— Bad Drake Puns (Connor).  The name would actually be better if it was “Bad Drake Puns”.  In which case I would have considered giving this award to Ryan.  But until my demands are met it is Connor.


FINALLY SOME TRACTION ON THE LOGO’S FRONT.  Alotta credit due to Brian on this I am sure (like all the credit).  But sadly Brian does not get credited for the award AWARD GOES TO ODOM.  But this thing is just a fucking beaut…..

WORST TEAM LOGO—  Connor’s stupid Altuve picture.  Mostly cuz I HAVE CHECKED and there are just much better dancey Altuve pictures out there.  Do your goddamned research Connor….

BEST ROOKIE— Trevor Story (Brian).  Duh.

BEST HITTING PERFORMANCE— Kris Bryant (Heroy)(6/27/16):  5-5, 4 runs 2 doubles 3HRs 6RBIs.

BEST PITCHING PERFORMANCE— Vince Velasquez (Sean)(4/14/16):  9IP, 0ER 16Ks CG W.  SURE Scherzer had himself a 20 K CG W but that game also came with 2ER, and I for one would not trade 2Ks for an ER in any matchup.  ERA IS SERIOUS FANTASY BUSINESS.

BEST TRADE— Odom trades Stephen Piscotty and Ben Zobrist to Sean for Brad Miller and Aroldis Chapman.  JUST A GOOD TRADE AMONGST FRIENDS.  Stephen Piscotty eventually turns into Alex Colome for the MooniniteZ in another JUST A GOOD TRADE AMONGST FRIENDS scenario (Piscotty to Mikey T for Colome).

honorable mention— The Mikey T side of the Freeman for Rosenthal trade, the Brian side of the DeShields and Boxberger for Eaton and Forsythe.

WORST TRADE— Lobman trades Freddie Freeman for Trevor fucking Rosenthal.  The MooniniteZ fully admit that their trade with Brian for Delino DeShields and their trade with Ryan for Raisel Iglesias (Iglesias and Brad Miller for Carlos Rodon) have not at all gone as planned but AT THE TIME OF THE TRADES they were certainly defensible.  I don’t want to hear it with you people about Iglesias vs. Rodon check the preseason rankings cot dammit.  All of this is to say that at the time those trades were okay, but NOBODY should have considered Freeman for Rosenthal a good trade or a fair trade or allowable trade.  Mikey T stole one here.  I was too busy raving at the time to point out the obvious.

dishonorable mention— The trades I alluded to up there, those gross Odom-Rojo trades (Dickerson for Tim Anderson, Buxton for Bundy).

FIRST HALF (ish) ANTI-MVP— Prince Fielder (Mikey T).  THIS GUY, Ryan unloaded to Mikey T for a first or second rounder or whatever.  And I am sure Mikey T expected a lot of power from this particular keeper.  And instead Fielder is finally up to an unimpressive 7 HRs (3 total in April and May).  He has often been found on the ‘Topes bench and I believe occasionally been found on the Rangers bench, losing playing time to the likes of Jurickson fucking Profar of all people.

dishonorable mention— Carlos Gomez (Rojo), Michael Conforto (Cliff), Billy Burns (Connor).

FIRST HALF (ish) ANTI-CY YOUNG— Dallas Keuchel (Mikey T).  2.48 ERA and a 20-8 record last year, 5.13 ERA and a 5-9 record this year.  TOUGH BREAK FOR THE ‘TOPES.

dishonorable mention— Adam Wainwright (Ryan), David Price (Odom), Chris Archer (Odom), Michael Pineda (Sean), Yordano Ventura (All sorts of people, mostly Lobman).

FIRST HALF (ish) MVP— Jose Altuve (Connor).  THIS PAINS ME, but Altuve is the best fantasy asset going right now in this league.  60 runs 24 doubles 2 triples 13HRs 46RBIs 21SBs .432 OBP.  Fucking yeeeeesh.

honorable mention— Kris Bryant (Heroy), Nolan Arenado (Sean), Josh Donaldson (Brian), David Ortiz (Brian)

FIRST HALF (ish) CY YOUNG— Clayton Kershaw (Ryan).  It’s probably always Kershaw.

THIS YEAR’S CHAMPIONSHIP FAVORITE— I have no fucking idea people.  Not Cliff.

That is a wrap. Now I need a cigarette.

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