REVIEWS!!!!! REMEMBER REVIEWS?! Let’s do one of those…..
MVP: Mike Trout– I GUESS Mike Trout gets this, more or less by default. But let the record show that I expect a lot from that guy so this kinda week should be like his floor. 12/29, 6 runs 1 triple 2HRs 5RBIs .452 OBP.
LVP: Salvador Perez – Not what you want out of your catcher position in any given week. A position that nobody wants much from to begin with. 2/17, 1 run 1 double 1RBI .200 OBP.
WHAT can be said here really. Cliff and his Bulldogs continue to lose matchups despite somewhat decent counting stats, and Heroy’s Fishing Club continues to win matchups despite Heroy being at the helm. The Fishing Club pitched to a 5.60 ERA despite a solid 81 Ks and an equally solid 8 saves (zero holds, YOU’VE CHANGED HEROY). Jose Fernandez had a heavy hand in the Ks but no hand in the terrible ERA. Trout technically gets MVP for the week even though for a Trout week that was kinda MEH. 15 HRs and a .361 team OBP for Team Heroy simply too much for Team Cliff, they put up a still respectable 13 HRs and .333 OBP. Andrew McCutchen hit 2HRs while still kinda sucking but it’s only fun to talk about that in weeks where Heroy loses. So let’s move on.
Next Week aka This Week: Heroy v. Lobman (INTERESTING MATCHUP), Cliff v. Connor (OUR BI-ANNUAL WHO GIVES A SHIT MATCHUP).
Pine Lake Jumpmen SHUT DOWN THE CLUB (Club Bad Drake Puns, that is) – 9-5-0
MVP: Carlos Correa – I think the picture caption already said more than enough about this guy. 8/24, 6 runs 4 doubles 3HRs 9RBIs .407 OBP.
LVP: Drew Smyly – There was once a time when the only thing stopping me from trying to trade for this guy was my desire to not trade with Connor. Now his stats are also stopping me. 12 IP 12 ER no QS no Ws FIGURE OUT THE ERA FOR YOURSELVES.
In the week’s other matchup involving a league outsider whom is only in the league to highlight our alarmingly whittled down circle of friends, that outsider lost to Ryan. I think that was a good sentence. ANYWHO, despite the 9-5 final score this matchup was horrifically close in pretty much every category except, like, doubles and holds. Ryan won wins, saves, quality starts, and triples by 1 each, runs by 3, RBIs by 2, and edged out an ERA victory 4.13 to 4.44. So really what I am trying to get across here is we are all blessed to have had Connor lose last week, assuming we are all in agreement that we like Connor losing. I KNOW I DO. Correa, Ozuna (3HRs), and Upton (2HRs 2SBs) deserve our gratitude. Semien (2HRs 7RBIs .440 OBP), and Altuve (always Altuve, 3HRs 5RBIs .444 OBP) turned in solid efforts in defeat. Pitching on both sides was good not great AND I ONLY DISCUSS GREATNESS HERE. Well Sale (15IP 3ER 16Ks 2Ws 2QS) was pretty great in 2 starts for the Jumpmen. Smyly was pretty terrible in 2 starts for the Bad Drake Puns. For the sake of simplicity lets call that the difference.
Next Week aka This Week: Ryan’s Jumpmens v. My MooniniteZ (BROTHERLY BLOOD FEUD THAT IS ACTUALLY RATHER CIVIL), Connor v. Cliff (SEE ABOVE FOR NOTE ABOUT NOT GIVING A SHIT).
MVP: Charlie Blackmon – THE BLACKMON IS BACK MON. I mean kinda, he doesn’t really steal bases anymore. If you enjoyed that joke I will be setting up a PayPal account for tips. 14/33, 9 runs 1 double 5HRs 9RBIs .472 OBP.
LVP: Nomar Mazara – Could have just given this to Lobman himself again but I wanted to highlight that Mazara doesn’t really doooo anything anymore. He had like 3 runs and an RBI BUT WHERE ARE THE EXTRA BASE HITS NOMAR?
In a battle between two people named Mike whom I prefer to address by their last name, Mike O defeated Mike L. Surely this really chapped Mike L’s ass but HE HAS ONLY HIMSELF TO BLAME. One does not just tinker with a championship roster and expect no consequences. And that tinkered with roster managed to lose 8 categories to the ever-tinkering Mike Odom and his X-Rayz, a lot of them by decent margins despite this matchup staying close through a good portion of Sunday. X-Rayz fans may mark Week 12 as a fundamental change in the roster construction, as Odom pledged to introduce more power in the lineup and ended up posting its best power numbers of the season (14 HRs, 52 RBIs). I don’t know where we stand on triples as a power category but the X-Rayz usually have their fair share of those as a function of their speed, and add 5 more to the tally. Blackmon, Justin Bour (3 HRs 9RBIs), and Tim fucking Anderson somehow (3HRs) keyed the power surge for the X-Rayz and helped the X-Rayz capture the runs and RBIs cats. Though to be fair Lobman technically tied in HRs, helped by 3HRs from that fucking bum Hanley Ramirez and 2 a piece from Giancarlo Stanton, Tulo, and Adam Jones. Tying Odom’s team in HRs signals trouble however, and TROUBLE IT WAS. I don’t even want to talk about the pitching, both teams kinda sucked. The Cuban Missiles won ERA 4.93 to 5.38 for example. The Cuban Missiles also had 7 saves, IMPRESSIVE considering they traded Freddie fucking Freeman for Trevor goddamn Rosenthal and the latter sucks and is now out of the closing gig. As always, who cares fuck Mike. #WCFM
Next Week aka This Week: Odom’s X-Rayz v. Rojo’s Resurgence (SOMEHOW FIRST PLACE IS ON THE LINE HERE), Missiles v. Fishing Club fishermen people (I GUESS THIS MATCHUP STILL FEELS AT LEAST VAGUELY INTERESTING).
MVP: Matt Carpenter – Matty Carpenter is heating up, folks. Absolutely not available via trade. 7/24, 7 runs 2 doubles 1 triple 3HRs 5RBIs .414 OBP.
LVP: Brian’s Pitching Staff – But more importantly Brian’s complaining. “Wahhhhhh my good pitchers don’t throw quality starts every single time they pitch wahhhhhhh”. That is you Brian. That is how you sound.
The Runner Up Curse ™? I am contractually obligated to bring that up at least once when discussing the Banana Slugs, win lose or draw. And now that it’s out of the way, lets keep minorly hinting at it. A truly CURSED week from the Banana Slugs pitching staff allowed the MooniniteZ to steal a few categories despite an up and down performance from their retooled rotation. Winning quality starts 6-5 and wins 3-2 is nothing to write home about, but this team owner STANDS BEHIND his strong 88 Ks and 3.45 ERA. that ERA could have been a full 2 runs higher and still held against Brian’s plagued pitching staff, although the Slugs can take solace in a balanced RP performance that garnered 4 saves and 5 holds. 5 holds ain’t bad! On offense the hexed hitters of the Banana Slugs had a down week if one is able to look past the .380 OBP (and the 53 runs. and the 18 doubles. those numbers ain’t bad. A mere 9HRs and 29RBIs was not the production Brian was starting to feel like he was accustomed to. Perhaps he will blame injuries. Perhaps it was a cursed comeuppance. Matt Carpenter and Aledmys Diaz (3 doubles, 2 HRs, 8RBIs, .586 OBP) care not for these excuses. Everyone pray for Aledmys Diaz’s beautiful face.
Next Week aka This Week: MooniniteZ v. Jumpmen (WE ARE RELATED), Slugs v. ‘Topes (THEY AREN’T RELATED BUT BOTH SHARE A LOVE OF FASHIONABLE NECKWEAR).
THE GLAAD [CONSENSUAL!] ANAL PLOWING OF THE WEEK
Springield Isotopes Make Both Love and War on Rojo’s Resurgence, Win – 7-5-2
MVP: Trevor Bauer – T’s ‘Topes won quality starts by 1 QS and Trevor’s CG was the qualitiest of the QS. 10 K CG (1 ER), that was also a win. Which should be obvious.
LVP: The Resurgence Bullpen – I know that when one loses to Mikey T one must think “SOMEONE MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!” (well I beat Mikey T twice this year so I don’t really KNOW know but I can assume). But in this case it was really Rojo’s bullpen collectively giving up a bunch of runs and sodomizing his ERA (lotta sodomy going around in this GOTW). I tallied the numbers, sorta, and it was like TWENTY SIX earned runs given up by the bullpen. In 28.2 innings or some shit.
In a show of solidarity with the gay community, the Springfield Isotopes did gay stuff on Rojo’s Resurgence. In a matchup where Rojo is probably feeling most violated by his own bullpen, the Isotopes did just enough and the Resurgence did just a little less. The plethora of runs allowed by the Resurgence bullpen allowed T’s ‘Topes to win ERA despite an ugly 4.78 ERA, and a narrow OBP edge prior to the Sunday night game (.337 to .334) allowed T to sit Jung Hooooooo and with him sit down any chance of the Resurgence escaping a bad week with a tie. And it was a bad week, single digit HRs and doubles and a paltry 36 runs that actually bested a paltrier (hideous word) 30 runs from the Springfield Isotopes. You may surmise from my tone here that I am being unnecessarily harsh on the ‘Topes in an attempt to discredit their victory and you would be right, because 30 runs and 30 RBIs would be the lowest outputs week-wide if not for the Banana Slugs 29 RBI team performance and because I like rooting against Mikey T for the fuck of it. If you want to commend the mighty 11 HRs of the Isotopes, credit is due to the 3 ‘Topes batters that mustered 2 HRs a piece (Jung Hooooo, Miggy, and Chris Davis). If you want to commend any hitters on the Resurgence YOU SHOULDN’T BECAUSE THEY LOST TO A SINKING ISOTOPES SQUAD. But Nelson Cruz had a nice week (3HRs 5RBIs) and is in fact having a nice season and I miss him. On the pitching side of the coin shame goes to the Resurgence bullpen and to one of Cueto’s 2 starts, which one I don’t care to look up. Steven Wright continues to be good and that continues to annoy me (13.2 IP 3 ER 10Ks 1QS). On the flip side of that coin the Isotopes got the standard good Jon Lester start (7IP 7Ks 1QS) and an EXCELLENT Trevor Bauer CG spot start. Those that like to boo the commissioner just for the fuck of it can take solace in the fact that Trevor Bauer was dropped before that start even began and now resides with Mikey T’s Week 13 opponent.
Next Week aka This Week: ‘Topes v. Slugs (BOW TIES VERSUS NECK TIES, I AM TEAM TIE BAR), Resurgence v. X-Rayz (TWO TEAMS WE ALL PROBABLY STILL DON’T TAKE SERIOUSLY BATTLING FOR FIRST PLACE).
WE ARE AT WEEK 13. EVERYONE SHOULD BE IN REBUILD MODE…