Power Rankings – SEANSTRADAMUS’ REVENGE EDITION (Week 8)

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Pictured:  Hennessy spokesperson Nasir Jones

For starters I would like to announce that Lobman outsourced his Week 7 recap responsibilities to cheap immigrant labor, so these power rankings may very well be alllllll you loyal readers get this week.  Cheap immigrant labor for ya.  Take it or leave it.

Conventional wisdom would say that I should abandon the idea of predicting this week’s matchups, seeing as how I only got 2 of them right last time (don’t buy into Lobman’s “4 for 10” that was merely designed to humiliate me and attack my credibility), but NOT MY STYLE.  Let’s do it again shall we?

POWER RANKINGS/POWERFUL WEEK 8 PREDICTIONS

  1. Rojo’s Resurgence (5-2)

Surely Rojo hasn’t felt this alive since that time he went missing for 10 hours because he was (allegedly) trying to dunk a basketball at North Dover.  In a league of mediocrity his team is playing the least mediocreally…my apologies english language….of anyone and perhaps above everyone’s expectations.  Throw in the impending return of Yuuuuuuuu, the impending debut of Juuuuuulio Urias, a solid lead (at press time) over the Banana Slugs, and the advances of modern medicine and Rojo may very well be feeling great right now.  And hey I find it hard not to root for the guy.  But for people looking for tips on rooting against the guy, single out his team logo which is HORRIBLE.  You can’t get some kinda fancy fuckin’ R thing going in there, Rojo?  Rip off the Ruff Ryders.  Hell rip off the stupid Rutgers R I don’t give a shit.  But just a picture of a stadium?  NO.

“OH WISE AND BLESSED SEANSTRADAMUS, WHOM IS ONLY HUMAN AND WAS BOUND TO HAVE A FEW HICCUPS LAST TIME BUT THAT SHOULDN’T AFFECT YOUR ABILITIES TO ACCURATELY PREDICT THE MATCHUPS THIS WEEK AND SHOULDN’T BE HELD AGAINST YOU, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK the Resurgence is going to resurge ever more and handle the difficult (albeit possibly cursed) Barnegat Banana Slugs.  And next week the Resurgence is going to succumb to my internet pressures and change that goddamned logo.  But back to this week, Resurgence go to 6-2.

2. OceanGate Trout Fishing Club  (4-3)

When you have some free time, take a stroll down memory lane and look at all the times that Heroy’s squads have lost in the championship game.  It was touched on this week and it’s like 3 or something and I dunno, that just feels sad.  And I think he was the 2 seed every time and HERE HE IS sitting pretty (or not so?) at number 2 in the all important power rankings.  The Fishing Club has some tremendous talent on both sides of the ball, so to speak.  And after a slow start to the year they are playing well, and I dunno maybe they should be taken seriously this year or something.  But.  MEH.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, team Heroy will play a minor role in a larger story about Connor’s team returning to Terrible Town.  I dunno maybe next week things will be more about him.  Heroy has only his lack of charisma to blame.  Fishing Club goes to 5-3 and starts to DEMAND to be taken seriously.  

3. Barnegat Banana Slugs  (4-3)

I was very tempted to just write “Runner Up CURSE ™”  here and call it a day but Brian deserves better and it’s his birthday and everything (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN) so he will get the hard-hitting analysis he deserves.  The Banana Slugs hit the Cuban Missiles hard last week.  In the face.  And we all know that means far more than just one notch in the win column when it’s a battle between these two bulimics.  Jose Bautista and Max Scherzer both gave the Cuban Missiles the business in their respective categories where they might be able to give business.  And I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about Trevor Story’s year a bit.  But I am very fucking fine with being remiss.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the fantasy baseball gods give zero fucks about whose birthday is when and Brian meets the buzzsaw that is Rojo’s Resurgence.  And Brian loses.  Runner Up CURSE ™  4-4  Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ DOES IT AWAKEN?!

4. River City Cuban Missiles  (3-2-2)

Our reigning champeens have just kinda been pussyfooting their way through the year, never that good and never that bad.  You can maybe say the same thing about every other team BUT MAYBE THIS TEAM SHOULD BE HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD.  It’s tempting to say that Lobman is currently more concerned with impressing us all with upgrades to his fucking deck or grill or whatever, but I also feel like it’s probable that there is nothing he is more concerned with in this world than the record of his fantasy baseball team.  And that record is as unimpressive as Xander Bogaerts exit velocity (fun fact:  Cameron Rupp leads the league in average exit velocity and Bogaerts name does not appear anywhere on that top 40 or whatever list) and as unimpressive as the the rest of the league’s record.  Parity’s a bitch.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK , Lobman’s Losers (got em) are going to be losers and lose to my big strong older brother cuz he is like the coolest guy I know and one time back in high school I think he had like 5 chicks in his car and they were all 10s and I swear I saw it with my own two eyes and I am pretty sure he knows karate too and could actually be like a black belt or whatever if he went to all of the classes but he didn’t need to.  So yea my brother is cool and Mike Lobman decidedly isn’t cool.  And that nerd is going to go to a record of 3-3-2.  Like a fucking dork.  

5. Point Loma X-Rayz  (3-3-1)

Perhaps some of the luster has worn off from the 2-0 start but Odom’s ragtag group of gamers continues to mostly get the job done, and they are thoroughly whooping the ass of this author’s lifeless team so whom am I to even comment on them.  A biased individual, that’s whom.  In response to PEDee Gordon’s suspension and his own acquisition of no longer minor league eligible minor leaguer Byron Buxton, Odom has gotten creative with his lineups and has plucked many a productive minor league bench bat from the free agent pool.  Those moves have allowed him to maximize his ABs in any given week and damned if it hasn’t mostly paid off for the fella.  The X-Rayz stumbled a bit upon the loss of their namesake but are showing signs of righting the ship, lead by a “stream a bunch of quality starts” strategy that everyone else should try and emulate.  APPARENTLY IT IS THAT EASY.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the X-Rayz shall continue to stream excellent pitching performances because APPARENTLY IT IS THAT EASY.  And the MooniniteZ will likely continue to barely have an offensive pulse.  And that adds up to an X-Rayz squad moving to 4-3-1.  

6. Bad Drake Puns  (4-3)

The Bad Drake Puns, a team whose success was once viewed as a sign of the comping apocalypse, continue their long journey to the middle (shouts to Almost Famous, RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman).  I don’t really have much else I want to say about them, Altuve is always dangerous and there’s a few pitchers on the BDP that I like but I wouldn’t dare want to engage this team in trade talks.  My favorite Bad Drake Pun’s fun fact is that their “first round” draft choice is the Astros 7th inning guy.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the Bad Drake Puns are taking on Greg’s talented squad and all Greg has ever really had to do with that squad is just not fuck it up.  And, at least for this week, he is going to not fuck it up.  The Puns shall slide back to .500 (4-4) and global warming shall reverse itself ever so slightly.  Not enough to the point where your children and future children aren’t still all doomed, we are past the point of no return on that.  But sometimes life’s about the moral victories.  

7.  Pine Lake .  (3-4)

Ryan’s decorated franchise feels less decorated at the moment, after becoming the first team to lose to the Bulldogs this year.  I tried to warn people previously that the Bulldogs play a mean game of fantasy baseball and so really there should be no shame in such a loss, but Ryan didn’t get the memo and now the Pine Lake People’s Champs have been rebranded the Pine Lake .   .  The first period is their name and the second period is me ending that sentence.  Wanna make that clear.  ANYWAYS maybe this is the start of some weird dark phase for Ryan’s squad like when Sting went all weird in WCW; it still hurts too much for me to discuss Prince so I won’t bring up his symbol name thing.  Or I dunno maybe this team will be just fine.  The pitching staff remains aces.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK Ryan will have less things to brood about as I predict the periods shall bloody (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) the Cuban Missiles and improve to 4-4.  It’s possible if I predicted every week I would predict Mike to lose every week.  It’s also possible Ryan will win this week, as he is winning currently.  Moral of the story is ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE LIFE IS CHAOS.  

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Pictured:  Ryan right now, maybe.

8.  Springfield Isotopes  (3-3-1)

In Week 7 the Springfield Isotopes took an ass whoopin’ at the hands of the fisherman’s club up the road from me.  In Week 8 they will need to be on their A game to stave off the SCORCHING HOT WHITESTONE BULLDOGS (1 game win streak).  The ‘Topes bullpen has shown dominance at times racking up double digit saves with saves to spare on the bench, lead in the saves department by the uber-valuable (for this year only [and probably only closing for another week tops]) Alex Colome and lead in the holds department by the uber-valuable (this year only) David Phelps.  The ‘Topes offense has been inconsistent at best.  In a way our fair commissioner’s squad serves as a microcosm of the entire league this year, and that microcosm says “who fuckin’ knows man” week after week.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK @T is going to lose to @Cliff, and I assure you these predictions don’t reflect my personal desires so much as they reflect the gift that my experimentations with sleeping pills and psychedelic mushrooms (not ever at the same time, I don’t think) have bestowed upon me.  This is just what they tell me people.  The Bulldogs are HOT. T’s ‘Topes go to 3-4-1.  Note:  Seanstradamus doesn’t predict ties cuz Seanstradamus ain’t no bitch (I can see this being a tie though).

9.  Main Street MooniniteZ  (3-4)

As much as I would like to find some excuse to vaunt my team up these rankings using a convoluted system of silver linings and hypotheticals and what-ifs but FUCK MY TEAM.  Votto still looks like some asshole who isn’t Joey Votto and I can’t clear my disabled list of its dead pitchers and dead Peraltas and I don’t even want that many pitchers on the team anymore because THEY ARE ALL DISAPPOINTMENTS.  We are a disgrace to the MooniniteZ but very much in line with Main Street, which is a similar sort of disgrace.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the MooniniteZ shall continue to play just a really uninspired fantasy baseball.  JUST NO GRIT.  I may cut half the fucking team after this one.  But anyways yea.  Staring 3-5 in its fat fucking face.  

10.  Whitestone Bulldogs  (1-6)

DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL BE IMPRESSED.

“SEANSTRADAMUS, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, Cliff is gonna do it again.  And I will be impressed.  Bulldogs go to 2-6.

TAKE US HOME NAS…….

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Power Rankings – SEANSTRADAMUS’ REVENGE EDITION (Week 8)

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