RAAAAAAGE. This will be a slightly rage-filled review, as all of the matchups I predicted that meant the most to my ❤ turned out to be wrong. And this means Lobman Mikey T and Connor all won in Week 6. Bad news for everybody. I predicted Odom would lose and was correct but that gave me no pleasure, I WAS MERELY TRYING TO PREDICT MY GOODEST. The good news of course is everyone is still one jumbled mess of .500 or mostly .500. So either a few teams put together a few win streaks and really get some breathing room or everybody just stays here all year and the ESPN tiebreaker system chokes to death on its own confusion.
But that is for later. For now on to the review, in which I will possibly be mean but definitely won’t hide behind a “disclaimer” beforehand….
Barnegat Banana Slugs EUTHANIZE AN ALREADY DEAD Whitestone Bulldogs – 13-1-0
MVP: Max Scherzer – I mean I could have given this to Trevor Story or something but WHAT can really be said about that guy that Brian hasn’t already said 60 times. Nothing, that’s what. Meanwhile Mad Max threw a complete game NON SHUTOUT and struck out 20 fellas in that game. That’s a large number!
LVP: Michael Brantley’s Surgeon – Fuckin’ guy just ended up rightttt back on the DL. Someone should lose a medical license over this.
In last week’s largest landslide, the landslugs landed a loud victory over the loser buLLLLLLdogs. I don’t know what the fuck I was going for there but yes, this one wasn’t particularly close. In addition to the Scherzer CG Brian somehow got a second CG, of the shutout variety, from Matt fuckin’ Andriese. News to this guy. Elsewhere in Slugs pitching staff news, Aaron Nola continues to look really really really good and so does Arrieta, but at this point talking about Arrieta is boring. and so I shall not. In the bullpen department the Slugs took advantage of an Orioles win streak to grab 3 saves from a one Zach Britton. On the batting side of things, Trevor The NeverEndingStory (EAT IT BERMAN) just kept kicking ass somehow. 5 doubles a triple a steal and a .370 OBP. And speaking of steals, somehow David Ortiz had one (in addition to a .462 OBP, 4 doubles and a HR) and I will need to review the tape if I ever care to figure out how that happened. And I do not care. Lastly but not leastly Adam Eaton (.467 OBP, 1 double 1 triple 1 HR 6 runs scored), a guy I traded to Brian for a guy currently playing in Round Rock, he is having a nice little year. I do not want to talk about this not even a little bit.
On Cliff’s side, CLIFF LOST AGAIN. And since I wasted all those words on the Banana Slugs to appease Brian’s insecurities now I don’t feel like I have time for any words for Cliff. I guess I will just say that the Mets must have not been great last week.
Next Week: The Runner Up Curse ™ holder Barnegat Banana Slugs take on The Runner Up Curse ™ trademarker Mike Lobman and his Cuban Missiles. Tune into the chat at some point this week to catch our two most sensitive owners passive aggressively complimenting each other’s team performance. MUST SEE STUFF. Also the Bulldogs take on the People’s Champs. Good for Ryan (probably).
Bad Drake Puns have a “Successful” week (hate myself) against Rojo’s Resurgence, win – 9-2-3
MVP: Jose Altuve – Honestly it’s probably fucking Altuve, it’s probably always Altuve when Connor’s team wins. 7 runs 3 doubles 4 RBIs 2 steals .486 OBP. This guy….
LVP: Yankees Starting Pitching – Severino gave up 7 runs in 2.2 innings and then hit the DL in order to save face. Tanaka gave up 10 runs in 12 innings. GREAT CONTRIBUTIONS MEN.
A sad week for fans of the Resurgence, of which I am, as they lost to Connor’s team and its total fan base of ZERO. Fuckin’ Altuve, man. And what’s worse is last week Jonathan Villar, a player who needs to move out of Orlando Arcia’s way, did anything but move out of Orlando Arcia’s way and ended up with an Altuve-esque .485 OBP and 3 steals. Sickening. The Bad Drake Puns got multi-HR efforts from JD Martinez (3), Trumbo, Pujols, and Lucroy and generally just rode those efforts and solid pitching to the win. cuz OH, Rojo’s pitching was bad. Aside from those excellent Yankee performances Rojo was also saddled with horrible efforts (on a scale from least horrible to most horrible) from Kluber, Steven Wright, and Chris Devenski. That last one being entirely on Rojo as nearly nobody should be started against those fackin’ sawks right now. On the bright side uhhh, Nelson Cruz? Nelson Cruz hit 2 HRs. Nobody amongst the Resurgence offense played especially well but THESE THINGS HAPPEN SMALL SAMPLE SIZE AND ALL THE RESURGENCE WILL BE BACK STRONG NEXT WEEK.
Next Week: Well shit, never mind because the Resurgence play the MooniniteZ in Week 7. So fuck that, have another terrible week. Have a worse one, even. Also in Week 7 Connor takes on Odom’s X-Rayz. I trust that Odom still remembers his first playoff loss and shall respond accordingly. Terminate with extreme prejudice.
MVP: Jose Fernandez – In a close pitching matchup JoFer’s two start week made QUITE the difference. 1 ER in 14 innings, 22 Ks, 2 wins 2 quality starts (obvi).
LVP: Not David Price for once – So that leaves Kevin Pillar. He was 2-20 with one walk and ZERO counting stats. Not cool, Kev.
This matchup was WICKED CLOSE heading into Sunday but not even all the Sawks in Bahsten could save Odom’s squad from a tough loss. For example, Kimbrel pitched 4 innings last week and only had one save to show for it. And I mean, that’s just one example. On the bright side David Price pitched a 12 K gem. On the dark side Odom’s offense couldn’t keep pace with the Fishing Club, making narrow losses in the pitching categories too much to overcome. Heroy’s staff pitched to a solid 2.99 ERA backed by two absolute beauts from Jose Fernandez, and his bullpen managed to out-bullpen noted bullpen expert Mike Odom’s bullpen. On offense the Fishing Club’s power was prodigious, resulting in 13 HR (21 to 8) and 24 RBI (65 to 41) victories. Which are nothing to sneeze at. Heroy’s squad also put up a .373 OBP. Just tough tough numbers to complete against, and Odom mostly has Corey Seager and Todd Frazier to blame. Each had 4 HRs a piece, Seager with a .407 OBP and Frazier with an insane .556 OBP. Fuckin’ yikes. I guess maybe I should have given him MVP for the week but can’t change the past now can we. The brightest star in the X-Rayz offense’s sky was probably Travis Shaw, whom contributed a .515 OBP of his own (5 doubles, 2 HRs, 9 RBIs, 9 runs). The X-Rayz had not enough of those kinds of high power high OBP performances, and so they lost 4 of the 7 offensive categories (and tied in triples), and so that is the anatomy of this particular matchup.
Next Week: Heroy takes on childhood friend turned metrosexual fake New Yorker Mikey T, while Mitch Odom seeks to avenge three-peat champions from years past in a matchup against the surprisingly tough BDPs (NBD Odom’s got this).
MVP: Lorenzo Cain – No doubt inspired by the return of Jung Ho Kang, Lorenzo Cain woke the fuck up. 3 HRs, 8 RBIs, 2 steals, .444 OBP. Great week from an underrated player – Basically what you get when you play Cincy and Colorado in a 7 day week. Good times.
LVP: Justin Upton – SCUFFLIN’. Somehow I think
BJ Melvin is the better Upton brother once again. Little brother Justin went 3-17 with 2 doubles last week, and that’s pretty much it. No RBIs, .222 OBP.
Welllll shit, don’t look now but Mikey T’s ‘Topes have a 3 week win streak on their hands thanks in part to a bullpen putting up some big numbers. This was the 3rd different matchup that really came down to Sunday, and in the end the Isotopes prevailed. PRIOR TO SUNDAY plugging in Fernando Rodney for a Padres doubleheader broke beautifully for Mikey T, as Rodney kinda shockingly picked up saves in both games against the Cubs on Wednesday. Mikey T mixed and matched his way into another 6 saves in the week, even while leaving another 2-3 saves on the bench while he was getting cute. Getting cute got the job done however, as Mikey T was able to win Ks and the bullpen categories despite losing in ERA and every other pitching category that caters to starters (wins, QS, CGs). On the hitting side of this particular matchup, most categories stayed relatively close and yet most ended up in T’s favor. Very strong weeks by Chris Davis (4 doubles, 1 HR, .600 OBP), Longo (4 doubles 2 HRs), LoCain (see above you dick), and KANNNNNGGGG (2 HRs, .421 OBP) helped Mikey T accomplish this feat. Strong weeks by Jackie Bradley Jr. (2 doubles 2 HRs .458 OBP), George Springer (.444 OBP, 1 double 3 HRs), Carlos Correa (2 HRs) and Nick Castellanos STILL (2HRs) helped Ryan’s People’s Champs uhhhh, lose those categories by smaller margins. As Sunday goes so often goes the week, and Sunday went to the Springfield Isotopes. Sad!
Next Week: The Springfield Isotopes return to OceanGate to take on Heroy’s Fishing Club, but THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL. Heroy won’t give a shit what bus you are trying to catch this week, but you can catch an ass whoopin’. Is something Heroy might say to Mikey T. Meanwhile Ryan takes on the win-less Bulldogs. At this point nobody wants to be the first loss to Cliff, and that team isn’t to be taken lightly solely based off its record, so this may be equal parts blessing and curse.
THE OLIVERIE FUNERAL HOME’S SLOW DRAWN OUT DEATH OF THE WEEK
The Main Street MooniniteZ Succumb to Bone Cancer in a loss to FUCKING Mike Leake (and also the River City Cuban Missiles) – 6-5-3
MVP: Mike MOTHERFUCKIN Leake – Bogaerts and Adam Jones were all the fuck over me this week but MVP goes to MIKE LEAKE and his wildly unimpressive quality start, for that completely underwhelming performance was what cost me the matchup. He had 3 Ks and gave up a run and was oh so very efficient in his pitch count but fucking Matheny pulled him anyways. le sigh.
LVP: MLB Pitching. Alllll of the pitching. Also Joey Votto – This was an ugly pitching matchup. Also Joey Votto forever until he has a week that one might possibly be able to describe as impressive (I was not impressed).
And soooo we arrive, at our illustrious Game Of The Week, yet again a game that came down to the horror show that is the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball broadcast. Not to get all sexist but the lady girl was talking about lefties pitching to lefties and discussing her softball career and how she was pitched to. Sooooo. BUT BACK TO MY NIGHTMARE HERE. Naturally I left a triple on my bench, naturally Gausman shit the bed against the Tigers when I really needed a QS earlier, naturally Lobman was utilizing my pitching nemesis Mike Leake. And so a QS would get Lobman a win so long as I got neither triple nor save, and so Leake pitches a QS and Cardinals hitters barely miss 2-3 potential triples and Puig barely misses a 3 run HR that would have blown the Leake QS/the game open and WHAT YOU ARE LEFT WITH is a win for the Cuban Missiles and another bitter loss in a season full of them for the MooniniteZ (well I’m gonna say like 2 out of 3 felt bitter). I’m not even going to discuss the pitching in this matchup, we were battling to tie with 5 QS out of 12 and all. On the hitting side of things, again Bogaerts and Adam Jones were murder for Lobman. 15 hits for Bogaerts (3 doubles, 2 HRs, 8 RBIs, .472 OBP) and 13 for Jones (2 doubles, 4 HRs, 9 RBIs, .556 OBP). Troy Tulowitski also hit 3 HRs and 3 doubles, which is terrible cuz he is terrible. The Cuban Missiles finished the week with 20 HRs and a .379 OBP, which is very good and made the 15 HRs and .359 OBP of the MooniniteZ look not really good in comparison. Which is a shame cuz they are also very good. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Zobrist (3HRs, .625 OBP) and Addi Russell (2 doubles 1 triple 2 HRs .450 OBP) and Carpenter (4 HRs) were very good but NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And so fuck everything.
Next Week: The MooniniteZ will attempt to turn their heart off in a matchup against their Rojo’s beloved Resurgence, while Lobman’s Cuban Missiles will seek to avoid a crisis of a loss to friendly foe Brian and his Banana Slugs. SO MANY EMOTIONS!
On to Week 7. There are no easy weeks don’t let Cliff’s record fool you. BEST OF LUCK TO EVERYONE OR WHATEVER…