Power Rankings — Post-Week 5 for Fighting Edition (so like, Week 6)

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Lobman sings this lyric, with tears streaming down his slimmed down face, every time his team loses a matchup.  And he should get his voice warmed up and he should put on his waterproof mascara.

– Well, I’m not sorry people.  Because this isn’t at all my fault, because I have a VERY CLEAR VISION in my head of our weekly Power Rankings being released to our throng of readers the day after the previous week’s review and when the previous week reviewer takes his sweet fucking time like this you don’t get Power Rankings til Thursday.  Ideally these would come on Tuesday.  In a perfect world.  *stares sadly into the distance*

but ANYWHO Mike’s fuckup does have one advantage, in that now I am releasing this list deep enough into Week 6 I feel free to wildly speculate on the winners of this week’s matchups and let that influence my scientific and rigorously determined rankings.  Let’s get to those things:


The Contenders    this is stupid and there is no such thing as contenders in Week 6…

REGULAR OLE’ LIST FORMAT LET’S DO IT

  1. Rojo’s Resurgence (4-1)

Everyone loves a redemption story and Rojo’s ever-rebuilding franchise has been just that this year, rising from its ashes in a manner not unlike Rojo’s once broken body now being uhhh, less broken.  I’m not feeling big on actual analysis for this.  Uhhhhhh Brandon Drury has been a real nice find.  THERE.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

I am glad you asked, fictional person.  Also please do not yell.  THIS WEEK the Resurgence is going to continue to get the job done, though Connor may certainly make it a bit of a challenge for him.  Rojo goes to 5-1, Rojo’s Resurgence continues to be the 2nd hottest ticket in town (after that Hamilton rap thingie).

2. Pine Lake People’s Champs  (3-2)

The thing about Ryan’s team is the pitching hasn’t quite all clicked yet, which is a bit of a good news bad news thing for the rest of the league.  Most of his hitters have been getting the job done, save for stretches from Upton and Rendon, but some of his overall pitching staff numbers manage to leave a bit to be desired.  And by that I mean he is last in the league in Ks.  BOOM hard hitting analysis.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, things currently look dire for the PC but a closer inspection on the matchup says that everything is terribly close and Ryan’s pitchers have not yet begun to pitch.  The People’s Champs shall start their comeback on this very day and by Sunday’s end they shall be 4-2.  

3. Main Street MooniniteZ  (3-2)

I don’t want to list all of my players that have been good and tout my team’s virtues and all, but here’s a partial list of all my team’s players that have been good:  Dexter Fowler, Ben Zobrist, Nolan Arenado, Aledmys Diaz, Vincent Velasquez, Jaime Garcia, Kenley Jansen, Kevin Gausman, etc. etc. etc.  Also Addison Russell’s development is going PRECISELY as planned and Orlando Arcia looks pretty good down there in AAA.  If I could manage to keep a fucking healthy pitching staff WHO KNOWS?  The moon is the limit 🙂

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the MooniniteZ are in for a goddamn battle.  A knock-down drag-out affair that shall likely end up as our “(random good or service) game of the week” and almost certainly will come down to the wire.  But when it’s all said and done, fuck Lobman and these are my power rankings and fuck Lobman a second time.  Right in his slimmed down face.  MooniniteZ win, MooniniteZ go to 4-2, there shall be peace in Israel.

4. Barnegat Banana Slugs  (2-3)

Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™ Runner Up CURSE ™

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK , and again please with the yelling, but this week the Banana Slugs are prrrrobably gonna edge out the Whitestone Bulldogs.  I don’t even think they are necessarily playing better it’s just that Cliff is just flat out unlucky these days.  That Max Scherzer 20 strikeout CG seems ominous.  There really may be an expose done if Cliff goes to 0-6 after another really solid performance.  So while I fully acknowledge that losing to the winless Bulldogs meshes well with the Runner Up CURSE ™, I feel the curse is going to be a bit less obvious about things and so for now Brian wins again.  Banana Slugs find themselves at .500

5. Bad Drake Puns  (3-2)

While the Bad Drake Puns shouldn’t feel too badly about losing their showdown with the Cuban Missiles last week (and losing it handily), one can’t help but feel that some of the pixie dust may have rubbed off after that one.  On the other hand, Trumbo and Altuve continue to rake.  Altuve, Villar, and Burns continue to swipe bases.  The pitching staff continues to impress.  These are all reasons to believe in the Bad Drake Puns, but whom wants to live in that world.  Prince certainly didn’t.  Take your admittedly prejudiced 5th place ranking and fucking like it, Bad Drake Puns.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the Bad Drake Puns shall continue their regression to the mean and shall falter against Rojo’s Resurgence.  I can see them making it interesting, it’s possible they are going to win even, but I like Rojo more despite not really knowing Connor at all.  That piece of shit and his piece of shit team go to 3-3.

6. OceanGate Trout Fishing Club  (2-3)

Heroy very narrowly avoided falling to 0-3 to start the year, and I brought up that Less With Mores team name once or twice I am sure and everyone enjoyed discussing what it would look like to plot Heroy’s team talent and team success on some sort of scatter plot (note: never actually discussed) but Heroy followed up his narrow victory against Cliff with an impressive victory against Lobman.  And then he lost narrowly to Rojo last week.  And here we are.  Trout’s mostly back to being Trout, at least.  I miss the Trout that used to give a fuck about stealing bases.  Stolen bases are sexy in the fantasy world.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, and again please with the yelling, but this week Greg’s sad set of underachievers is actually going to get the job done I fear.  My main man MO is still adjusting to the loss of Dee Gordon and subsequent loss of faith in humanity that accompanies such a loss, and his pitching staff continues to be problematic.  The FC’s staff is looking less problematic after a solid acquisition of Aaron Sanchez, and with him and Jose Fernandez set to pitch again this weekend I see Heroy winning a tight battle and improving to 3-3.  Sad!

7.  Springfield Isotopes  (2-2-1)

The Sprinfield Isotopes won a hideous matchup against Odom’s X-Rayz last week, which is unfortunate cuz 1-3-1 would have looked GREAT on Mikey T.  He really has the figure for it.  I still see a team being carried by aging stars playing over their heads, while also struggling to weather the storm that is Prince Fielder and Lorenzo Cain‘s seasons (Cain had himself a goddamn game the other day and seems to be turning things around, but if Lobman had done his cot damn job and posted his review sooner I could have written this whole paragraph without acknowledging that performance).  One thing I can say positively about Mikey T’s team, aside from discussing Linda’s rack, is that bullpen has really been putting up some numbers.  T’s ‘Topes had 34D 11 saves last week, tying the all time record.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK @T is going to look at this prediction, look at his current week’s score, see that he’s up 11-1 or something, and be like “oh Sean you are so silly”.  and then NEXT WEEK he’s gonna wake up on Monday morning and wonder where it all went wrong.  Ryan’s team storms back, T’s ‘Topes go to 2-3-1.

8.  Point Loma X-Rayz  (2-2-1)

My main man M.O. is still adjusting to life without Dee Gordon, his new normal for the next 6 or 7 fantasy weeks or so.  UNDETERRED, he admirably doubled down on his wasted roster spots by trading for a toiling away in AAA Byron Buxton.  Gotta love the moxie there.  ANYWAYS, so long as Jean Segura continues to do his best Dee Gordon impression our league’s left coast representation ought to be just fine.  #TrustTheProcess.  Not to be confused with the Process Rojo used.  I think they each used a slightly different Process.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK I can’t shake the feeling that the X-Rayz shall be deterred by the Fishing Club.  Something about the X-Rayz pitching woes of late and the Fishing Club’s pitching matchups has me seeing a future where the X-Rayz find themselves at (2-3-1).  Not that this is much of a hole in our current season.  This year veryone is pretty much .500, pretty much all of the time.

9.  River City Cuban Missiles  (2-1-2)

To anyone that says I am simply putting Mike’s Missiles this far down the rankings to troll him I say I resent that implication entirely.  The fact is Mike’s team just plain sucks.  Nothing to see here.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, the Cuban Missiles are gonna leave it all out there and Rougned Odor is going to have 15 hits and it’s still not going to be good enough.  I GOT A FEW MORE TRICKS UP MY SLEEVE.  Which isn’t necessarily true, but like I always say “I don’t need tricks to beat chumps.”  I literally ALWAYS say that.  the River City Cuban Missiles shall be sent to at truly ridiculous looking 2-2-2 record and the gods shall smile down upon us all.

10.  Whitestone Bulldogs  (0-5)

Even though I was intentionally attempting to put Lobman’s team as far down this list as possible because fuck him and also we are battling this week, I couldn’t jeopardize my credibility by putting him below the winless team.  So yea, Cliff is last.  Although some of those Mets of his look FANTASTIC.  Poor Clifford can’t catch a break this year, not unlike that big red dog that always gets himself into shitty situations just cuz he’s so big.  He really is quite a large dog.  I believe those are bible stories.

“HEY SEAN, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH THIS TEAM THIS WEEK?!”

THIS WEEK, Cliff is going to lose again.  Possibly through no fault of his ow…JKJK INATTENTION WILL PROBABLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.  Until Cliff shows that he can do the opposite of losing I will have to predict losing.  Bulldogs end up at 0-6.

And there you have it folks.  An eerie ability to peer into the future, and I am not even using it for profit.  Until next time….

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I never watched that ’24’ show….. Rojo seemed to like it.  This is how I feel about that show but not how I feel about Rojo.  ALL HAIL THE RESURGENCE.
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Power Rankings — Post-Week 5 for Fighting Edition (so like, Week 6)

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