The summer solstice is not yet upon us so I had to get cute with this title while simultaneously not letting it stop me from putting up a picture of Zooey Deschanel for, like, Brian I guess? Brian is probably a fan. Those that detect the slightest hint of terror/sadness in those big beautiful eyes of hers would be CORRECT. This is a reflection of our collective feelings over the current record of the Bad Drake Puns relative to our own records. Shame on everyone. ON TO THE REVIEW…….
Quick side note: LEAGUE MVP goes to Mike Lobman this week for discovering that a crying MJ meme maker does in fact exist. I have decided not to fill this review with such memes but rest assured I could have. Mike there is almost no chance you win back to back championships, like ever, but at least you will always have this (for this one week).
Springfield Isotopes prove to have a greater half-life (bad science pun) than the Barnegat Banana Slugs – 7-4-3
MVP: Miguel Cabrera –Miggy woke the fuck up this week a wee bit, with 3 doubles 3 HRs and a .406 OBP. Do it a second time and I will be impressed. That goes for both 3 HR weeks and DUIs.
LVP: Adrian Gonzalez – A-Gon went hahahaa HOLY SHIT A-Gon went 0-20. Fuck A-Gon. Too many first basement have cutesy nicknames, is what we have really learned here today.
It is with great sadness that I report to you all that Mikey T’s ‘Topes are winless no more. Thus killing the 203572349087623044512370573 most successful hashtag in human history. This was a fairly tight matchup until Sunday but as per usual Brian disappointed me (jk <3). Difficult to assign blame here but let’s try anyways, uhhhh both teams respective pitching staffs mostly sucked balls (save for Scherzer) but Mikey T got more out of his bullpen and a bit more out of his offense and that is all she wrote folks. Miggy and Robby and uhhh Dusty all had strong weeks for the Isotopes, and the Asian fellow hit 2 more HRs and T’s Team was able to put together a .350 OBP even with Jason Heyward putting up a 0-17. A-Gon was not impressed with that 0-17 one bit. If there is a silver lining for the Slugs it is in Trevor Story’s performance, as the kid continues to stave off the regression monster that Brian refuses to believe exists in the first place. And good for both of them. Really if either team’s pitching staff pitched worth a shit they would have been in the driver’s seat but neither did and now Mikey T has a win and the league is a little bit less fun. Fin.
Next Week: The Isotopes will take on whatever name Odom will be going with, I believe it will be the X-Rayz. Odom will undoubtedly be very mean to Mikey T this week so that should be a treat. Brian will seek to turn things around in a tough matchup with the Pine Lake People’s Champs, a team that might be physically incapable of pitching to a 5+ ERA.
PS- Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™Runner Up Curse ™
Pine Lake People’s Champs UPSET The Main St Mooninitez – 8-4-2
MVP: Clayton Kershaw – 16 innings and 24 Ks and that damned CG. Shockingly Kershaw only had 1 W and 1 QS in this particular 2 start week but I have a theme here of touting the importance of CGs and so dammit I am going to stick with it. Otherwise I would need to talk about Nick Castellanos here. EXACTLY.
LVP: Joey Votto – Joey Votto forever. Fuck you Joey Votto. I mean he was better than like Delino DeShields was (don’t wanna talk about that guy) but also UNRECOGNIZABLE as someone claiming to be Joey Votto. So he gets LVP until he gets his shit together.
I don’t think this necessarily was an “upset” per se but I found it rather “upsetting” which I think basically means the same thing. The MooniniteZ could never really pull away early in the week and never really catch up at the end of the week, and just to be sure of that Kershaw went out and threw a 14 K CG shutout on Sunday. PRETTY GOOD! Not Vincent Velasquez versus a hapless Padres squad good, but good. Nick fucking Castellanos man, he also kept doing things for some reason. 4 runs 2 doubles 1 triple 2 HRs 8 RBIs 1 SB .429 OBP. I am just not sure I should have to look up a box score after a loss and see Nick Castellanos LITERALLY DOING AT LEAST ONE OF EVERYTHING. Feels cruel. The entire Pine Lake offense was solid if unspectacular, putting up a team OBP that was damn near .400 but also having a mere 3 HRs. The pitching staff was its typical self, however, as two starts from Chris Sale and Kershaw = a 2.204 team ERA and 8 wins and more Ks than the MooniniteZ could muster. It was an off week for the MooniniteZ in the K department and a weird offensive week that saw more HRs (8) than doubles (7). I would like to point out that rainouts really did a number on the Cubs schedule, as they only got 4 games in. Speaking of 4, Arenado had 4 HRs. AT LEAST THERE WAS THAT I GUESS.
Next Week: The Pine Lake People’s Champs will battle the Banana Slugs in a clash of .500 teams. Most teams are .500 teams so that isn’t particularly interesting. The MooniniteZ will do their best not to lose to the Whitestone Bulldogs, because they are the furthest thing from a .500 team and so that would make the MooniniteZ look bad. To lose to them.
Bad Drake Puns SIGNAL THE END TIMES WITH THEIR THIRD VICTORY IN A ROW over the Whitestone Bulldogs – 8-4-2
MVP: Jose Altuve – Unfortunately Jose Altuve is currently the best player in fantasy/on Connor’s team. Dude has SEVEN homers right now, despite being no taller than Brian’s daughter. This particular week he had 2 of those HRs, 3 doubles and a .385 OBP. No steals and yet none were needed.
LVP: Patrick Corbin – I dunno, he had a shit start against the Cardinals. 7 ER and only 2 Ks. Cliff’s team wasn’t even that bad last week, which is what is most terrifying about this whole ordeal. On the Nats kick, Rendon put together a pretty bad set of AB’s this week, producing next to nothing. Also, Ken Giles is still rostered and he’s awful.
In the Book of Revelation, “seven trumpets” are sounded to indicate the beginning of the end times. Now I am not necessarily saying that Connor is the Antichrist and his 3 game win streak is the start of the apocalypse. That is for other people to say. I am just pointing out facts. And the fact is Connor has won three straight games and is technicallyyyyy, tied for our current top seed. Thank goodness for the remaining 16 weeks. I don’t even want to get into this matchup much cuz I am not sure either team even peruses this blog. Cliff may not even know how to use the internet. But it should be said that Cliff had a really fucking solid week and Connor’s week was somehow even solider and we should all be concerned. I propose we sacrifice Brian’s adorable daughter to appease the angry gods. Just brought this recap FULL CIRCLE. You like that? You like that.
Next Week: Bad Drake Puns battle the 1-1-2 Cuban Missiles, in a game that the Cuban Missiles will privately be taking VERY seriously. May god help us all if Lobman’s squad can’t pull off the upset there (winky face). The Whitestone Bulldogs take on the MooniniteZ. The MooniniteZ would like to keep them win-less and are very concerned that Cliff has basically lost 2 pretty good weeks in a row. Most concerned.
OG Trout Fishing Club (formerly of sadness) Reel In A Victory (sorry) over the River City Cuban Missiles – 8-3-3
MVP: Julio Teheran – Julio tossed two goddamned gems. zero wins to show for em, but 7 innings 1 ER 9 Ks on Monday followed by 7 innings 0 ER 8 Ks on Sunday. I don’t know either, man.
LVP: Yasiel Puig– Puig sucked something special last week, 2-24 with absolutely zero walks. One of those two was a HR but still. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy, either.
Fresh off his miraculous comeback against Cliff, Heroy hosted our 2015 champeens and put a pretty solid beatdown on them. Teheran lead the pitching staff to a 1.618 team ERA for the week, nearly besting an unbestable record set by a certain eventual 3 time (in a row) champion. NICE TRY GREG. Other pitchers that rocked shit for Heroy were as follows: Taijuan Walker, Jake Odorizzi, Garrett Richards, really everyone. Everyone has to pitch pretty well to keep your team ERA under 2 and so yea, everyone kinda did. On the offensive side Andrew McCutchen woke the fuck up, if only for one game. And in that one game he hit 3 dingers. Other players with multiple dingers for Heroy were as follows: Todd Frazier, Mike Trout (about time), Jason Kipnis, Gregory Polanco, and Buster Posey. All with 2. Add that all up and you have a team that hit 3 more HRs and drove in 2 more RBIs than their opponent. And that is not the fault of Giancarlo Stanton, whom hit 4 HRs and drove in 9 RBIs and generally just tormented the Dodgers last week. Not enough fellow Missiles shared Giancarlo’s enthusiasm for hitting, which isn’t to say that Lobman’s bats had a bad week by any means (.3690 OBP) but which is to say they had a slightly worse week than Heroy’s bats. Nature of the beast. The Cuban Missiles pitching staff had a middle-of-the-road performance, coaxing 6 wins and 83 Ks out of a 4 quality start week but also pitching to a 4.422 ERA. Which was not good enough, is what I am telling you. DEFENDING A TITLE IS DIFFICULT.
Next Week: The Trout Fishing Club visits the surging Resurgers of Rojo. I made that sentence more difficult than it needed to be. Anyways, that has all the makings of a nice little matchup. The Cuban Missiles take on the other 3-1 club in the Backyard, whose name I would rather not say. But Connor owns them and Mike must defeat them. If he doesn’t expect him to drunkenly drop half his team.
THE CIALIS STIFF COMPETITION OF THE WEEK!:
When the moment is right, will you be ready?
Rojo’s Resurgence PEDeefeat the “Point Loma X-Rayz” (apparently) – 7-6-1
MVP: Johnny Cueto – In a matchup this close an 11 K CG can make allllll the difference. And essentially it did, it was the difference. Even though it happened on a Monday. Go with this narrative.
LVP: PEDee Gordon – FOR SHAME.
Week 4’s closest battle ultimately came down to Odom’s mighty Red Sawks fackin’ failin’ to quite get the job done, as Odom needed X amount of Ks from the combo of Price, Betances (not a red sawk) and Kimbrel to beat Rojo’s Resurgence and ended up with
Next Week: The Resurgence have a date with Greg Heroy, which is just an awful date to have IRL and is probably just mildly unpleasant in fantasy baseball. I am an unabashed Resurgence fan at this point and I do not care who knows it. The Point Loma (hometown of the guy who founded Jack in the Box!) X-Rayz take on “real New Yorker” wannabe Mikey T and his Isotopes, and hopefully mean things are said. He will never be a real New Yorker though, because real New Yorkers don’t feel the need to namedrop every B list celebrity they see get into a car. Hopefully Odom says meaner things than that.