I have no idea why we keep having different people bounce around with these things but I LIKE IT. And clearly Mike is dealing with some sort of existential crisis, so he’s out. And maybe we will let Brian do one of these at some point but he did the preseason power rankings and clearly those were oh so wrong, because clearly 3 weeks in everything is pretty much set in stone already. So he’s out (for now). This leaves me to do the rankins, while simultaneously declaring my top 10 Prince songs. Note: I only know like 5 off the top of my head so this could get weird. ON TO……the Power Rankings – Week 3 Edition:
1- Dee-Generation X (2-0-1) – WHATTA TIME TO BE ALIVE. Odom’s DeeX enters Week 4 atop the league and fresh off a brutal battle with the defending champs, where both men tied and ultimately probably lost pieces of themselves in the process (Mike clearly lost a bigger chunk)(not a former fat person joke but I just realized it SO could have been). It will be interesting to see how DeeX fares after an emotional roller coaster/for the rest of the season, because nobody believed in them. And like a true football fan Odom’s team has rallied around that tired cliche. He hosts Rojo in Week 4.
TOP PRINCE SONG #1: His guitar solo from the George Harrison tribute performance:
And I am already cheating this list of any dignity it may have aspired to have had. This song is probably better than any Prince song ever, anyways. And Prince shreds that solo. And Brian is unimpressed. (Note: if nothing else watch this just to watch when Prince throws his guitar in the air at the end and it never comes back down. That is fucking showmanship.
2- River City Cuban Missiles (1-0-2) – Our reigning champion is going through a bit of an emo phase after last week, even though he technically hasn’t even lost a game. I mean essentially his team is 2-1 with most of the rest of the goddamned league but Mike is in a raw place and let’s not go there. For now he is “unbeaten” and he is the reigning champion and I am sure he will be in okay shape in September. Or he won’t! Which would be more fun for everyone. The Missiles get a date with Heroy’s fishing club in Week 4.
TOP PRINCE SONG #2: His cover of Radiohead’s “Creep” performed at Coachella in 2008, apparently:
I am sure at some point I will get to an actual Prince song. But for now this kinda fits, because “Creep” is kinda a depressing song and Mike fancies himself a Radiohead fan and yeah. I think Prince killed it here. EIGHT MINUTES AND ALL.
3- Barnegat Banana Slugs (2-1) – I am gonna give the devil his due here, Brian defeated me last week (or did I defeat myself?) and with that victory he has seemingly put that curse that I shall not name drop fully on notice. How long will it last? Are early season victories just to make a Slugs swan dive start from greater heights? Time will tell. Again it’s only April and so these power rankings are ridiculous. Brian goes up against Mikey T’s ‘Topes in Week 4.
TOP PRINCE SONG #3: “P Control
THE P STANDS FOR PUSSY. Just a great song. If I recall correctly Darian was a big fan. That’s all I got.
4- Main Street MooniniteZ (2-1) – I take no credit away from the Slugs, but essentially I mismanaged my way to a loss this week. And I have that mismanagement to thank for my large slide down the early season power rankings. Lessons were learned, folks. And the MooniniteZ shall be a stronger franchise for it. YOU WILL ALL RUE WEEK 3. I play Ryan now.
TOP PRINCE SONG #4: “When Doves Cry”
Surely this selection will inspire controversy, and for my money it’s possible Ginuwine did a better job with this song, but PRETTY GREAT SONG. Maybe I’m just like my father, indeed.
5- Rojo’s Resurgence (2-1) – Everyone’s favorite comeback story is off to a great start, as Rojo’s only loss this year came at the hands of our morose 2015 champion. Maybe I am the only Resurgence stan in this league but DAMNED if I don’t want to see them make the playoffs. And they’ll need their A game this week, as they take on the UnDeefeated DeeX.
TOP PRINCE SONG #5: “Gett Off”
This song is great because it was in The Last Boyscout, which is an excellent film. It is sexy just like Rojo.
6- Bad Drake Puns (2-1) – THIS PAINS ME, but all of you teams that aren’t my team keep losing to this guy so technically he is in the playoffs right now. Shame on you all. You know who you are. Connor takes on Cliff next week, in a matchup that doesn’t deserve my discussion. Because who are these people?
TOP PRINCE SONG #6: “Purple Rain”
Purrrrrple Rain, Purrrrrrrrrrrrple Rain. Connor probably has that movie on DVD.
7- Pine Lake People’s Champs (1-2) – THIS ALSO PAINS ME, but the fact of the matter is Ryan’s team came out flat and done got themselves beat by Connor last week. I fully expect the Pine Lake PC to move up these rankings as time goes on, but really who fucking knows in this league anymore. Ryan will be out for vengeance against the MooniniteZ in Week 4, where he will find no vengeance and no mercy.
TOP PRINCE SONG #7: “Little Red Corvette”
I dunno I’m like running out of songs that I know at this point. AND BRIAN SAID THIS COULDN’T BE DONE.
8- Ocean Gate Trout Fishing Club (1-2) – Oh Heroy. A miraculous comeback that apparently required Trevor Bauer saved Greg from louder clamoring for him to change his name to the LessWithMores. For now. Heroy takes on the Cuban Missiles in Week 4 in a game I am declaring a MUST WIN FOR HIM (just to annoy Mikey T).
TOP PRINCE SONG #8: “1999”
TOTALLY forgot this was a Prince song, and this probably should have been higher, but fuck if I am going to go back and change the order now. Incidentally 1999 is the last time Greg has ever won anything.
9- Springfield Isotopes (0-2-1) – Our beleaguered commish. Actually had a good week last week but lost anyways and I couldn’t be happier for him. Mehhhh “career wins” mehhhhh, when half the league has changed since then and your team is quieter than a church mouse in the playoffs every year. #KeepTWin-less2016. I don’t even care if hashtags can’t have hyphens. The ‘Topes take on the Slugs and I will openly root for the Slugs.
TOP PRINCE SONG #9: “Partyman”
I decided prettttty early on that T had to get something from the Batman soundtrack. And here it is. This all really just speaks for itself.
10- Whitestone Bulldogs (0-3) – I am really concerned that after starting out 0-3, Cliff’s participation level might be affected. LOLOL jk. Cliff plays Connor Week 4.
TOP PRINCE SONG #10: “I Would Die 4 U”
Prince is dead now and we as a nation need to move on so here is the girl from Chvrches singing this song instead. I dunno…..it doesn’t sound that good but that may be her fault. Her laziness mirrors Cliff’s.