Week 3 – A Depressingly Negative Review

A Special Disclaimer: This review is only meant to be funny. I’m just trying to keep these posts fresh and funny (not always funny). I am only kidding with you and your team. If you are offended by my jokes, don’t be. Also, I feel sorry for you if you are offended by my jokes. PROCEED TO THE REVIEW

Well, that certainly was an interesting week for everyone in the league. I’m sure everyone had a fun time tracking their team’s stats over the course of the week, and some may of even gotten some of the enjoyment out of the final scores of their respective match-ups. Not me, however. In addition to my shitty weekend, the Missiles usually potent offense has this owner annoyed and somewhat concerned (Not really, its April). For the context of this review, I’ve decided to take a viscerally unhappy approach and be negative toward everyone and everything. NO HAPPY THOUGHTS HERE ON THIS VERY SPECIAL WEEK 3 REVIEW:

Wild Card Game - Houston Astros v New York Yankees
Quite a Face.

Rojo’s Resurgence BEATS Springfield Isotopes – 8-4-2

MVP: Colby Rasmus – “Colby Jack” may be the ugliest bastard in the bigs, but he put a hurting on the Topes with 4 homers and 10 RBI this week.

LVP: Miguel Cabrera – Where have you gone, real Miggy? A double and and 2 RBI will make people start to break out the Miggy/Morales comparison chart any day now.

The first stop on our tour of sadness brings us to Springfield, as nobody could possibly be more unhappy about their team after this week’s matchup (well, outside of Cliff) than Isotopes owner Mikey “Commish” T. Really, the matchup was very close, despite the final score line; however we are now looking at an 0-2-1 record for the Topes. T made a lot of really strong proclamations this spring about Rojo and his Resurgence, which most likely makes this victory undoubtedly sweet for Mr. Johnson. I will throw a shout out to Mikey T’s pitching staff, which had been pretty Jekyll and Hyde so far this season, but showed some Jekyll-ness with a really solid 9 QS week and a 2.63 ERA. I mean, it didn’t help him in the end, but strong showing, guy.

Next Week: The Isotopes will attempt to get win #1 against he surging power of the Banana Slugs, who are off to a really strong start, so that won’t happen, while Rojo’s Resurgence will continue (or not, who knows) against the undefeated DEE-EX.

Brian will buy this shirt ASAP

Barnegat Banana Slugs BEATS Main St Mooninitez – 7-4-3

MVP: Jake Arrieta – Fuck. I mean, it wasn’t Velazquez’s crazy 16 k CG, but a no-hitter is pretty strong in its own right, which earns him an MVP of the week in this one.

LVP: Joey Votto – This Canadian asshole exemplifies everything wrong with Canada. Hilarious swing-tinkering comments are only good if you produce. You suck.

In a matchup where sadness and self loathing pumps through the speakers of their radios and phones and such, the Banana Slugs take down Mooninitez in what really could be considered a MASTER CLASS in over managing a roster day to day. It was borderline impressive how Mooninitez boss Sean McLaughlin was able to leave some big time power numbers on the bench this weekend, while getting no help from his arms in an overall bad performance. The Slugs are doing an incredible job of angering the Runner Up Curse ™ gods here, led by that damn Jake Arrieta (pictured above), who Brian likes to post all sorts of unfunny memes about throughout that chat. For the average owner who swears off the chat when the Slugs do anything productive, WELL THURSDAY NIGHT WAS THE NIGHT FOR YOU, as said pitcher Arrieta sat down the hapless Reds in a tidy 120 pitch performance. Hopefully that leads to some shoulder injury or something, but I DIGRESS. Fuck these 2 owners tho, anyways.

Next Week: The Slugs look to pile on the misery as they take on the Springfield Isotopes, while the Mooninitez look to make better roster decisions this week as they battle with brother McLaughlin and The People’s Champs.

Drew Smyly is ALMOST DEFINITELY a child molester. Or he isn’t. I don’t know.

Club Going Up On Altus BEATS Pine Lake People’s Champs – 7-4-3

MVP: Tanner Roark – Dude spun a 7 inning, 15 K performance against the Twins, and hopefully didn’t win a place in R-Mac’s heart because he’s usually AWFUL.

LVP: Anthony Rendon – On the Nats kick, Rendon put together a pretty bad set of AB’s this week, producing next to nothing. Also, Ken Giles is still rostered and he’s awful.

Well, one of the worst teams from last season has taken yet another step toward respectability, this time taking down the People’s Champs in a fairly close battle. This is the 2nd consecutive win for Connor against a playoff team from last season, which begs the question: What the hell is going on with this fucking devil voodoo magic league? First, Brian is trying to break the curse, now Connor and his trash ass team name are winning against playoff teams? I hate this league sometimes. I really have nothing else to say about this matchup because I’m depressed now, so I’ll just say Drew Smyly had 2 ridiculous starts this week, garnering 17 k and a .60 ERA. This is how fucked we all are. RIP this league…

Next Week: CGUOA will do a little battle with the other voiceless team in our league, the Bulldogs, and we will find out which brother is best (OR WORST) as the People’s Champs take on the Mooninitez.

One day he will not exist, so enjoy Yovani now.

OG Trout Fishing Club BEATS Whitestone Bulldogs – 7-5-2

MVP: Anthony Rizzo – OH LOOK at who just hit 5 homers this week. Cool, Cool Riz.

LVP: Cliff – You get LVP for picking up Yovani Gallardo. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN SPOT START THIS GUY? Oh, Cliff is the only one so far this year. LVP

The battle of the 0-2’s treated us to basically a home run derby, as both teams tried AND FAILED to break the home run record while amassing a combined 42 homers this week. Meanwhile, Heroy won a game. Good on him. I didn’t pay attention at all to this one this week, but I think I read that it was very close up until the end, with a VERY LUCKY Trevor Bauer relief win being the difference in this one. I mean, seriously, Trevor Bauer was the difference. This is the saddest week in the league’s history. For the Bulldogs, his cavalcade of present and former Mets just beat the shit out of the baseball all week, because Heroy’s Trout Club remembered that they actually have a good roster too. The stats show a very close win for the Trouts, and really both teams were ridiculous enough offensively to PROBABLY win against any of the other teams this week (Disclaimer: I did NO research to back that up and don’t care if true or not).

Next Week: Good to see the Trout Fishing Club find their offensive form JUST IN TIME to battle the hapless and depressing Cuban Missiles, while The Bulldogs will play the Club Going Up On Altuve in the Anonymous Derby! Get your popcorn ready (yawn).

The Preparation H Anal Suppositories Game of the Week!:

Pictured: Mike Pineda – Giving up probably 1 of the 75 runs given up in the first yesterday. Nice job fuckface.

River City Cuban Missiles TIES Dee-Generation X – 6-6-2

MVP: Bryce Harper – Because he’s our MVP every week, forever and ever. Also, anyone who didn’t follow this abortion of a matchup is his or her own individual MVP.

LVP: Pitching – What’s way to back up the FABLED 12/12 week? Oh, anyone named Sanchez shitting themselves on the mound for your team. That, and the only viable starters that the DX roster were absolutely terrible. Really, good times by all ball throwers this week.

The battle of unbeaten was really as roster move filled as everyone would’ve predicted (If you like predicting things), and came down to the final few at bats in the Sunday Night game in an incredibly narrow 6-6 draw. This Sunday night scramble has become routine for the Missiles, as their offense failed to show up yet again. This is becoming very concerning for the defending champions, as they made a few trades in the offseason which are NOT currently working out in their favor at the present moment. Whispers of “Its April” are spreading around the boardroom, but Tyrant owner Mike Lobman is panicked. There, I said it. I’m fucking annoyed and panicked. Freeman, Abreu, Stanton, Tulo, Adam Jones, Hanley, Tyler White, and the lack of a cohesive catcher are really grinding my gears here. Yes, things will undoubtedly brighten up, but in the mean time, its fucking panic city over at the River City. That being said, The DX did a great job of being just as mediocre as the Missiles this week, highlighted by that 5.835 ERA. There’s really not a lot to say on either end, as both teams ended up not losing, which I guess is fine. But it’s not. I don’t want to make this all about the Missiles, so I’ll highlight the fact that the DX did what they do this week, compiling 13 steals and a handful of triples and such. The battle really did come down to the last few at bats, which had Tyler While on 2nd base with a chance to win with a score. Of course, he didn’t, so lets just end it there because fuck everything.

Next Week: The Missiles get to get their heads bashed in by everyone’s favorite future liver transplant patient Greg Heroy and the Trout Fishing Club, while Odom will take his shell game of a roster over to face the Resurgence.

– Lobman

HEY here’s a little something I feel could be added to spice this bad boy up:

SEASON STATS – Through Week 3
1 Dee-Generation X 124 47 11 23 109 25 0.3225 250 15 0 10 18 6 4.947
2 Club Going Up On Altuve 122 44 3 34 108 21 0.3469 229 23 0 16 11 4 3.115
3 Barnegat Banana Slugs 145 62 7 39 134 16 0.3594 239 21 1 22 12 2 3.644
4 Rojo’s Resurgence 125 52 4 37 128 16 0.3461 247 21 0 12 0 17 3.66
5 Main Street MooniniteZ 142 51 8 29 127 17 0.3405 285 16 2 14 16 2 2.84
6 River City Cuban Missiles 125 51 3 38 139 14 0.3279 242 24 0 18 9 11 3.629
7 Pine Lake People’s Champs 133 46 2 35 119 9 0.3478 234 23 1 20 8 4 3.172
8 OceanGate Trout Fishing Club 153 41 6 38 131 24 0.3435 222 18 1 12 13 2 4.154
9 Springfield Isotopes 115 35 3 36 121 10 0.3101 233 24 0 18 15 7 3.799
10 Whitestone Bulldogs 107 38 6 36 119 13 0.3372 197 19 0 15 15 3 3.449
Week 3 – A Depressingly Negative Review

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