– We begin another season of Backyard Fantasy Baseball, and with it comes one of the more interesting weeks I could remember in quite some time. Weather, homers, and bad bad bad pitching were the stars of the week, so without further ado, the review:

Main St Mooninitez Beats Connor (I refuse to say that stupid name) – 8-4-2

MVP: Dexter Fowler – Fillin’ up that got damn scoresheet with 7 runs, a triple, homer, and a .625 OBP.

LVP: Connor – Nice name.

In a match-up of teams NOBODY cares about, Sean takes down Connor in probably the biggest walkover of the week. I mean, it wasn’t even close. The Mooninitez were pretty good, I guess, but really the indictment was on the Altuves here. Shout out to Maikel Franco for getting the first 2 RBI’s for Connor on fucking Wednesday, which could be some kind of record. That’s basically a microcosm of this battle, as Connor’s team was pretty bad. Although I guess you could say that The Altuves pitching was pretty decent, but this ain’t a The Backyard Fantasy Pitching league, so you’re gonna have to find some more offense there chief. Also, Jake deGrom is clearly hurt and you drafted too many closers/setup guys. MOVING ON…

Next week: The Mooninitez (that’s tough to spell) head over to face The Isotopes in a battle of insufferable human beings, while Connor tries to improve his offensive luck against the Trevor Storys I mean Barnegat Banana Slugs.

Rojo’s Resurgence Beats Whitestone Bulldogs – 8-4-2

MVP: Matt Kemp – Hey guys, Matt Kemp has 3 homers and 10 RBI. He also looks like he’s 65 years old.

LVP: The Mets – Cliff has too many Mets on his team, and they didn’t have a good week. So he lost…

The aptly or ironically (depending on how you feel about Rojo’s team) Resurgence took a big step towards relevancy this year by dispatching the Whitestone Bulldogs in another match-up that really wasn’t all that close. Rojo decided to go absolutely HAM on the holds game, and pretty much achieved it with a whopping 9 holds! Good for you, buddy. Now that bad news: Schwarbs tore his ACL and one of the Asians he has on his team hurt his calf. Maybe resurgence is a strong word. Cliff’s guys again didn’t do all that well, highlighted by basically every met on his team (except for Syndergaard, who’s a machine) being completely below average. But HEY JAY BRUCE. Either way, Rojo gets a really nice victory here.

Next week: The Resurgence gets to really prove their worth against the DEFENDING CHAMPION RIVER CITY CUBAN MISSILES, while The Bulldogs get to achieve the biggest gap in roster moves in league history made by going up against Mike Odom and the DX.

Barnegat Banana Slugs beats OG Trout Fishing Club – 8-4-2

MVP: Trevor Story – 7 Homers in 21 at bats in the first 6 games of your career gets you this PRESTIGIOUS honor.

LVP: Mike Trout – C’mon guy, you’re supposed to be the best player in the game. It’s early, but I predict MAJOR REGRESSION from Trout. Just stick to the Weather Channel pop-ins, Asshole.

The Banana Slugs are just ITCHING to prove to everyone (and the world) wrong about this whole Runner Up Curse ™ thing, and took a monster step forward by just stomping the holy hell out of paper champion contender Greg Heroy and his fishing club of sadness. Donaldson, Story, Bautista, and the gang went absolutely nuts this week, leading Mr. Smith to (wrongly) think aloud about a certain HR record that he wasn’t even close to. Either way, he had a tremendous offensive week. This one was never really close, but if I have to say anything nice about Heroy’s guys, Anthony Rizzo was pretty gosh darn good. Regret fills the Cuban Missile Boardroom. His team is still very talented, but will need a little more from guys like Trout and Mooooookie if he wants to fulfill those gigantic expectations attached to that horrendously stupid team name.

Next week: The Banana Slugs get another walkover against Connor’s Altuves, while The Troutfishingclubs will look for better luck against the People’s Champs. He will probably not find better luck, now that I saw who he’s playing.

Dee-Generation (Get it?) beats The People’s Champs – 7-6-1

MVP: ESPN’s Move Tracker – 72 Moves already, and the shell game begins. Also, Jean Segura was good.

LVP: Collin McHugh – My least favorite pitcher of all time now that Buerhle is dead really came to pitch…. For like 1/3 of an inning.

Pretty much all of us (including his boyfriend, Sean) criticized Odom’s insane roster construction and draft pick trading strategy over this off-season, and despite the fact that we’re going to be right in the end, The DX found a way to eek out a victory over a fairly strong People’s Champ squad. Highlight the trade of the early season as a major reason in this W, as Corey Dickerson comes into the lineup for everyone’s favorite Tim Beckham clone, Tim Anderson. He really had no place on Rojo’s roster tho. In a narrow loss, we can confirm what everyone already knew: Ryan has some pitching guys. Maybe Wainwright is done, maybe, but sure as shit King Felix isn’t. The People’s Champs woulda won against a lot of teams this week (didn’t fact check that), but ran into a team who moved enough around squeak past the 2 time champ. Side note: Ryan, we need to be better. Our impending babies can’t know us as losers.

Next week: The DEEX head over to play the Bulldogs in a match-up I referenced before, so I won’t expound on, while the People’s Champs look to cause more pain in Heroy’s life than his Liver and STD problems (Ask him not me).

THE ROLAIDS GAME OF THE WEEK – Cuban Missiles TIE the Isotopes – 6-6-2

MVP: Robinson Cano – This dude was just giving pitchers the business like all week with 4 homers. That’s only 1 less than our boy TREV Story!

LVP: Mikey T’s Streaming Choices – Lyles, Morton, Danks, and Pelf. He stopped watching baseball 3 years ago I think.

The everlasting blood feud between two of the original owners got another shitty tie, in what probably was the most stress filled and vomit inducing Sunday that I can remember. The tie brings their all-time match-up to 14-10-4 in favor of the Missiles (Look it up, T), but wasn’t without some really rough luck on both sides.  There were multiple chances for both teams to lock up a W on the day, which really came down to the last few at bats from those 4pm games, as the baseball gods did NOT feel like watching another trash Yankee-Tiger Sunday night game. If that game had actually of been played, this scoreline would’ve more than likely looked dramatically different, but it didn’t and we don’t need to discuss that anymore, so let’s move on. The Missiles and Tope’s both had great offensive weeks, coupled with some really terrible pitching. I mean, seriously, Zack. Not a way to endear yourself to the River City faithful during the CHAMPIONSHIP BANNER raising week and everything. But hey, good week, as both teams don’t lose, I guess.

Next week: The Missiles take on Rojo’s Resurgence in a matchup where I don’t have a lot to say, and The Topes get to experience the hilariously unfunny presence of Sean McLaughlin’s Mooninitez. But basically: